“Kristen Is Like Human Spam”🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 3 Recap

Daylight Savings Time is my nemesis. We don’t even observe it here in Arizona, which is really my complaint about it; each year we fall back and my Bravo schedule falls forward. I’m going to be in a state of constant delay until spring, my friends. I just cannot stay up all night anymore. I am too old.

Thus I am catching up on PumpRules a little late, and for that I apologize. SANdoval has been suspended, and he’s genuinely ashamed of the fight at Mixology. What he should be ashamed of is that tight plaid vest. The fight at least cast a vague shadow of testosterone to SAN.


With Staff Meeting #1 dismissed, Scheana is assigned to supervise the kitchen at the PUMP opening, and Horshack is dismissed to smoke and rant about his firing on the sidewalk out front with Kristen and some mysterious third person. Who is that? He also has a British accent and looks slightly, suspiciously, like Max Pump. He advises Horshack to write Lady Pump a love letter.

Meanwhile, Stassi is meeting her daddy at a sidewalk cafe in Beverly Hills, and some poor man is so shocked to see Princess Stassi Of Pump Rules on camera and right in front of him that he comes to a complete, grinding ambulatory halt on the sidewalk and stares, mouth agape, before Production runs him off. Stassi and Daddy are going to day drink and gossip like old hens. Scheana, Stassi informs him, is not centered, evidenced by her mean Tweeting. Jax is old news and not worth discussing further. Stassi has learned how to cook in her time away and added some “love pounds”. She’ll regret that.

Speaking of Jax, he’s going back to the therapist now that the cameras are rolling again. And he’s here to announce that he’s so mature and evolved now that he broke up with one of the two broads he was simultaneously banging. The therapist is far more interested in the fact that he tattooed the name of the one he unloaded on the armpit opposite the “STASSI” armpit. Codependency is his defense mechanism, she diagnoses. Also, he’s still holding a torch for Stassi, she informs him. He is? Oh, okay. Jax will try to remember that.

Kristen and Horshack meet up at a bar called Liquid Kitty (?) because they are unemployed and have nothing better to do than bitch about how unfair life is and plan their revenge. It’s all Kristen’s fault that Horshack, who was useless and drank at work, got fired, and he’s going to write Lady Pump a love letter and tell her so. Kristen is going to SANdoval’s apartment and retrieve her cable box.

At the gym, SANdoval and Tom #2 walk on the treadmill like old ladies and then attempt one chest press while gossiping. Tom #2 tells SAN he’s “been glowing!” and they coo about sex and how good SAN and Ariana are together while plucking each other’s eyebrows. Tom #2 astutely points out that SAN should be grateful to Jax because had he not banged Kristen their breakup could have lingered on another two to three years before the inevitable collapse, and Kristen might even have gotten knocked up along the way. Which would have required Kristen and SAN to have sex, of course, but that’s a minor detail. (I think it’s funny how all these committed, childless, fancy-free couples openly complain about not having sex. It ain’t gonna get any better from here, people.)

Time for the much-anticipated PUMP opening, the climax, if you will, and Lady Pump is in her home hair salon getting PUMPed into a purple (!) plunge gown. It’s like if Marie Schrader guest-letter-turned on Wheel Of Fortune. But what will Giggy wear? That’s always the real question.


Stassi, unemployed, has been invited to the PUMP opening as a guest, and she’s going to lord it over the SUR staff by stopping by for a drink beforehand. Her white cutout cocktail dress stands in stark contrast to her forgettable friend’s ugly SUR uniform, which looks like a stretched out old airbrushed Six Flags t-shirt from the late ’80s. The forgettable friend tells Stassi that Kristen has been suspended, and Stassi cackles and demands to know how many times you can get suspended without getting fired? Wouldn’t we all like to know that. Horshack shows up and clocks into work, pretending he was never really fired and hoping no one notices while they are all busy at PUMP so he can attempt some form of constructive re-employment claim.

Over at PUMP, the gays love Lisa. One even brings a personal love note. Celebrities are here, meaning Horsey from last season of RHOBH and Bobby Trendy, famous for having redecorated Anna Nicole Smith’s house back when she wasn’t dead. This is big time, kids. When Scheana’s shift is done she sidles up to Stassi at the bar and says “‘Sup?” And it’s on. Scheana meows that Stassi made fun of her wedding. Girl, Stassi hasn’t even seen that hideous wedding getup you’re planning yet, you just wait. Stassi bitches that Scheana mean-Tweets. Scheana defends herself that she only mean-RETweets. Scheana stalks off. Game, set, love, Stassi.

Back at SUR, Jax and Stassi’s forgettable friend have a backstage encounter and the friend mentions that Stassi was in the bar earlier. Jax flips out that he missed seeing her. He just really wants to make sure she’s okay, that’s all! He’s still really close to her family, for real! And her dog! Forgettable Friend calls bullshit and tells him to get lost. Meanwhile, having run down to PUMP to confirm with Mr. Lisa that Horshack really is fired, Pirate Peter calls him out to the alley and tells him to turn in his ugly SUR t-shirt and not come back. Horshack whines that he and Pirate Pete were really good friends until he started dating Kristen, but Pirate Pete calls “my ass” and kicks him out. There’s a waitress out back smoking a hookah, or so it appears, who will testify that Horshack was seriously fired if called as a witness.

At PUMP, Tom #2 doesn’t know how to mix drinks. You ass. I was taught how to mix drinks as soon as I could read the labels on the bottles (age 4).

A new day dawns and SAN and Ariana are killing time at a batting cage, casually discussing his ongoing Kristen issues, of course. SAN has changed the cable bill to his name but the box is still under Kristen’s name and social security number. Ariana is alarmed that this could pose some major Fatal Attraction-style risk to SAN’s precarious credit, and demands he pull out of Kristen’s box ASAP. (I know, I know. I couldn’t help it.)

Stassi is moving into her new apartment and serves Katie and Tom #2 bloody marys in unmatched, ugly Goodwill coffee mugs. More joking about sexless relationships.

Horshack shows up at SUR or PUMP or someplace just precisely when Pirate Pete and Lady Pump happen to be holding an impromptu pretend consultation about this or that, and presents Lady Pump with his apology love letter, which he reads aloud. She’s moved, slightly. Horshack’s handwriting is oddly feminine, and he looks like the Gorton’s Fisherman in that cardi.

Back at SANdoval’s Apartment, Kristen texts and asks if she can stop by to extricate her box. SAN is not entirely sure he’s ready to part with Kristen’s box because he has stuff on the DVR. Girl, please. There’s much weeping and theatrics as Kristen stuffs her remaining scraps into a giant IKEA bag. Ariana rolls her eyes as a snorfling, tearful Kristen finally stumbles out, staggering under the weight of her shit, and her box.


Next time: Tom #2 is not only a crappy bartender, he walks off the job! Jax gets his nose job, and Scheana completely flames out.


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“There Will Be Disco Ninjas” 🍷RHOBH Season 5 Episode 1 Recap

And we are BACK, people! The hotly anticipated premiere of season 5 of RHOBH, and already we’re psyched because rather than overly-overhauled Wiccans and obscure pageant winners, this season we’re actually getting Hollywood celebrities added to the cast! Yes, they are a bit D-list, but as soap stars (Days and Y&R; no One Life To Live refugees here thank you) their acting claims to fame are a lot more substantial than, say, one Heather Paige Kent. Hell, Lisa Rinna has even already been on DWTS and The Apprentice, the #1 and #2 destinations for has-been celebrities in need of paycheck enhancement. So finally some real Hollywoodiness in the mix, something this franchise has sorely lacked.

After some great new taglines, none of which I actually wrote down, we’re back at Casa Umansky where Kyle is gearing up for her Annual White Party with Big Fat Glenn the party planner. I am surprised he has not exploded yet with all the activity. Kyle insists that this so-90’s theme is still relevant and that the party is THE hot invite for all of Beverly Hills. I have my doubts, considering a friend of a friend attended. Kyle has consulted with Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Portia about the theme and they suggested CIRCUS! So circus it shall be. Other than throwing a dorky party to which Lady Pump has yet to rsvp and for which the invite meant for Yo Adrienne Maloof was mistakenly addressed to Dr. & Mrs. Oof-If, all is terrif with Kyle. Rumbly Mauricio’s real estate agency is hot caca, Flopsy is now employed with him, Mopsy is starting college, Cottontail is starting high school, and Lil’ Portia is in 1st grade or so and remains, as my mother declared, “unfortunate looking”.


Moving on: The Glands has swung up to Malibu for a beach play date with Yo. The two stop by to say hello to Daddy David on the way out, and dance giraffically to his latest composition in progress. Yo foreshadows geographic change by informing us that with Gigi (who is very successful and very naked modeling) and Bella (who is attempting a modeling career despite the fact that she got the recessive genes) both off to college and only Anwar at home, the nest is very empty. Also, itinerant merchants are setting up roadside hippie beachwear stands upon Foster land. Time to move! Speaking of moving, The Glands is homeless, again. She’s in her third rental of the last few months although with a third book deal lined up things are looking okayish. But for the fact that Lady Pump still can’t admit wrongness. Yes, we are still holding onto that.

Speaking of Lady Pump, she leaves Mr. Lisa overloaded with dogs and toots into town in a Porsche convertible. Quelle surprise! I fully expected the Bentley. She’s lunching, naturally, and her very late lunchdate is none other than: Kyle. They are having a caprese salad summit, and after much back-and-forth over the meaning of past statements, who needs to move forward, and who needs to not keep bringing up old stuff, a detente is reached. Clearly neither of these broads trust the other and I suspect toes are crossed under the table.

Let’s meet someone new, shall we! We find Lisa Rinna motoring along in her upscale leased vehicle when Kyle phones up to see if she is coming to the Annual White Party. Lisa does plan to attend with her formerly-hot-and-now-emaciated husband Harry Hamlin (skinny men frighten me), but it’s the same night as the Mad Men series wrap party and since he’s in that cast they have to go. And if they go in all-white they will “look like Jesus” which won’t do. They will look like something for sure but I personally think Jesus is not a likely resemblance, at least on her part.

this don’t look like Jesus to me

Stopping at a random intersection, Lisa picks up her daughters at the school bus. Lisa has the exact same hair, lips, and implants as she has ever had on any of her past incarnations (Days, Melrose Place, and forgettable Lifetime movie roles), which makes it really curious how completely enhancement-free her teenage daughters are in their kilts and polos. Long stringy plain hair, shaggy eyebrows, no makeup. Maybe that’s a thing with the kids these days. They return home to find Harry, King of the Hamlins, strumming his guitar and capturing rattlesnakes to bring inside. I hate this man.

For the second time we get a shot of a house with a front yard full of tree stumps upon which candelabrae are mounted. Whose house is this? What the hell is going on? My mother’s next-door-neighbor has a similar deal, with a four-foot-tall stump now prominently hosting a weird Islamic-looking metal helix sculpture. Peculiar. Time for a montage of Getting Ready For The Annual White Party. Lady Pump is dolling up and Mr. Lisa is complaining that he doesn’t want to go have another Fatburger. Lady Pump tersely informs him that it’s a command performance, and at least things are on settled terms with Yo as we are offered a segment of a flashback to a recent lunch at which the two made up and Yo seemed to have a black eye.

Speaking of people making up with Lady Pump, The Glands has her gay glam squad hard at work and is nervous about seeing Lisa. She declines glitter as being “Adrienne Maloof’s deal”. She’s late as guests begin to arrive. First comes Mo in his Bruce Jenner Olympic Era haircut accompanied by his wife Shiva, subject of many cast rumors. His ex-wife Yo is next with a gaymate, followed by Camille with a female mystery companion of no significance.

Camille has brought a gift: another book, this time I See You Made An Effort about life as a woman in her 50s. Kyle, whose white boob-keyhole gown is backless and, sadly, still exposing backfat (if less than in past seasons, but still) titters in faux amusement and tries to contain her rage.

The Pumps roll in. Trumpets blare, a bathing-suited staff person rolls around in a plastic ball afloat in the pool. Tay Armstrong and her new husband, whose last name she has conspicuously not assumed because it’s something like Booger, arrive, followed shortly by Yo Adrienne Maloof and her ridiculously young new boyfriend. Lady Pump declares that Yo Adrienne is far happier and more likeable now that she is “running around with a little Busch between her legs”. Listen: Adrienne can parade around all the barely-legal male companions she wants, but I am solidly convinced that the woman is asexual and these “relationships” are merely mutually-beneficial public relations stunts. The only bush between her legs is whatever unmown lawn she has yet to surgically overhaul.

we’re getting the BAND back together!

Finally, The Glands arrives strapped into a shoelace that does not flatter her conspicuously missing ass. All the other Old Wives are afrolic with oohs and aahhs, and she’s terrified to approach. As she should be, because when she bravely giraffes up to say her hellos she’s received with awkward unenthusiasim and a Bea Arthur level of dismissiveness from Lady Pump. Burn!

New Housewife Lisa Rinna and Scary Harry arrive, fondle Kyle’s boobs, and leave for a better invitation. Kyle approves her chiropractor entry. See, this party is a serious deal, you guys. Oh, and Kimmy finally shows up, late as usual.

The Glands decides she has to seize the moment to clear things up with Yo Adrienne, because Production has set this whole scene up for that very reason, so after interrupting a pretend conversation between some of the old broads in which they were, literally, pretending to be talking to each other just like people pretending to dine and not stare in Housewives In Public scenes tend to do just when The Glands giraffed up, she sits Yo Adrienne down in the conversation alcove where they have held past confrontations and agree to meet for coffee. I sincerely hope Kyle has a more formal living room than that.

And so the Old Housewives dance on, like the disco ninjas they are. Oh, and Lady Pump declares that she feels sorry for The Glands for burning the bridge of their relationship. She’s so out.

Next time: lingerie, wigs, and coffee summits. You know, the usual.

(An aside: I stayed up way too late to watch Camille, Tay, and Yo Adrienne on WWHL because one glimpse of what’s happened to Yo Adrienne’s face now and I was entranced. That woman has eyelifted herself to Jacqueline Wildenstein territory.


And as carefully, strategically, unmovingly posed as she was it seemed increasingly apparent she was desperately trying to camouflage weight gain. She looks about 74 years old at this point. And she and Mr. Andy made up in that wolfish way he has of wooing Housewives he loves to have around so they can embarrass themselves. So safe to say I think more Yo Adrienne is on the way! Lucky us!


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“This Is So Ridick!” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 2 Recap

Episode 2, and already this feels terribly familiar, doesn’t it? We resume with Team Scheana, aka the Dorks, at Mixology, where the brouhaha has broken out. There’s shouting about beemer selfies, someone is in a head lock, and Scheana is crying. At first I think she’s hysterical that her birthday has been ruined, again, but it turns out she’s got a big piece of glass in her foot, which sucks. She goes from sad to mad and starts screaming at people to get the fork out. Is she a bouncer now? Tom2 taunts Horschak, Kristen, and Kevin Smith as they stumble down the stairs. Jax stayed out of the fight for a change because he had a nice white shirt on and didn’t want to mess it up. Or the hair, don’t forget the hair. “How much is this going to cost me?” Scheana shrieks. “I’m a f*cking waitress!” Indeed you are.

The next day at PUMP, Lady Pump is auditioning talent. I thought these people were applying to be servers and bartenders? Do they actually need resumes for that sort of thing? I’d expect some form of job application but they all have nice CV’s on linen bond paper, and probably also headshots. The real question is whether they look good in the pink shirts. And they do. One guy sees PUMP as his opportunity to escape the shitshow at SUR, and he’s hired, because that shows smarts. Run while you can!

Back at SANdoval’s apartment, he and Ariana are recuperating from fight night in what I sincerely hope is a new bed. It’s ugly, but as long as it’s not the nonmarital bed from Tom N’ Kristen it don’t matter. SANdoval’s face is a mess but he has mad makeup skills. Kristen is the three V’s – vindictive, violent, and vicious – but overall he declares her effort to derail his relationship with Ariana a “swing and a miss”. For her part Ariana feels there has to be some element of trust in a relationship and she feels it for SANdoval. I think they’re okay.

In search of relevance, Jax and Tom2 head to the tattoo parlor to get his “STASSI” tattoo covered up. The artist creates a black rose over it, appropriately, a black rose for a black heart. So now maybe all the chicks Jax bangs won’t see it, but he’ll always know it’s the rose that covers up her name so what good is it, really? Whatever. Tom2 is worried that his promised job at PUMP is in jeopardy because he participated in Fight Night.

It’s time for work, and of course everyone is on the same shift at SUR, except Scheana who comes in on her day off with Shay to have some dinner. Katie just cannot BELIEVE she has to eat HERE, but of course she does because this is where the cameras are. With all that hair I would have expected Scheana’s bun to have more volume, no? SANdoval, who is feeling very badly about the foot injury, piggybacks her to her table, as if a four-minute crying video apology was not enough groveling. Next Horshack shows up and tries to pin it all on SANdoval, but Scheana’s not hearing any of it and declares that she is taking a break from both of them.

Katie is worried about Tom2’s job at PUMP after Fight Night, because last time it was Scheana’s birthday and there was a fight Lady Pump decided not to let Tom2 spill a drink at SUR after all. Neglecting her duties and ultimately chasing Lady Pump down the street, Katie tries to plead Tom2’s case, making the point that the real instigators were three ACTUAL employees and shouldn’t they receive the primary punishment? Lady Pump announces Staff Meeting #1 of Season 3 at which her decision shall be declared.

Tom2, meanwhile, is conferring with the self-described “Lisa Whisperer”, Stassi, who advises him to bow down before Lady Pump and declare himself remorseful and responsible, and determined not to get in bar fights at PUMP. Well, obviously.

Stassi, PS, is looking for an apartment for herself and her Snuffleupagus boyfriend so she can get off Katie and Tom2’s couch. It has to be 2 beds, 2 baths, because she needs to poop alone. She feels this is a mature, serious relationship. This is FORESHADOWING.

Speaking of apartments, SANdoval’s apartment is a filthy mess. I don’t know if Ariana is living here but she’s certainly not cleaning here. Jax, in search of relevance, stops by to deliver the gift of more concealer and mull over his dilemma of So Many Girls To Bang, So Little Time. He likes both of his girlfriends, Carmen and Tiffany, but Carmen is starting to not like the existence of Tiffany and he’s starting to realize he likes Tiffany better. So next off he goes to have a drink with said Tiffany, who is briefly in from Vegas from her hifalutin job at the Bellagio, at which he announces he loves her and is going to dump poor longsuffering Carmen.

Meanwhile, it’s two days until the opening of PUMP and everything is in predictable chaos, so now is when Tom2 stops by to bow down to Lady Pump. “Oh, hullo,” she says. What does he want? He wants to confess about Fight Night. She knows all about it but pretends this is the first she’s heard that it took place at her friend’s establishment. Tom2 insists he was mobbed and that it was really all Horshack’s fault and he was simply trying to break it up, which he was, I think, mostly, so fair enough. Lady Pump informs him he can work the opening party but after that they are going to have a Staff Talk.

Jax meets Carmen at a dumpy pizza place to, appropriate, dump her, and she obviously knows it’s coming. He meows all kinds of catshit about how she deserves better and should have fun and go to law school (which are, I’d like to point out to him, mutually exclusive activities), and she’s having none of it. After all, he tattooed her name on his arm, AND two days ago said he wanted her to have his babies! Well, the tattoo is meaningless, we know that. Carmen declares he is manipulative, unmotivated, AND: 35! So HA! And she doesn’t even like him. So she’s outta there! And Jax is left to eat cold pizza alone on the sidewalk outside a bridal salon.

Lady Pump decides to merge Staff Meeting #1 and the Staff Talk into one event at PUMP right before it opens. She’s appalled that her employees got into a bar brawl at her friend’s place of business and declares them all to be acting like trash. Acting? Horshack, showing his age, jumps in with a bullshit explanation and gets cut off. Pirate Pete and Lady Pump round in on Kristen as a detriment to the business and call her out for drinking in the back during her shift, which she says everyone does. Do or do not, Lady Pump has had enough. AND: fire Kristen! FIRE KRISTEN! But no, she just puts Kristen and SANdoval on suspension and gives Horshack the can. What a missed opportunity.

Next time: PUMP opens. Kristen, SANdoval, and Ariana have an uncomfortable summit, as to Stassi and Scheana. Oh, and Horshack’s back.


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If You Build It…. 🍷 Project Runway All-Stars Season 4 Episode 2 Recap

PR All Stars is back, people! I was having a conversation with a friend on Friday in which I mentioned this fact, and she was shocked that the show is even still on – and she was a fan. That’s what moving to Lifetime will get you. Of course, said friend only gets four channels on an antenna so there’s that as well.

Having missed recapping the first episode of this season, here’s the scoop: Tiger Lily got off schedule making her own textile, as usual, and ended up presenting something that looked like a paper bag from the bakery section of Safeway, complete with pointy-boob corners, and was eliminated. The end. The winner was Fabio, who is not Sikh, all appearances to the contrary. (I’ve been recapping this show for so long that I can hardly remember all my nicknames. Bear with me.)

Our second episode is the unconventional materials challenge, as it usually is, and this time we’re at a construction site, complete with two hot construction guys whose vests and hats, but not pants, are up for grabs as materials. They are supposed to make an “ultra-feminine” look out of these very masculine materials. Sam Micelli is very pregnant and is tragically clad in a denim coverall. I’m having some issues with my TiVo and Lifetime and have been having to watch PR in the kitchen, and I sincerely hope the horizontal screen-stretch is adding an unflattering proportion to Sam, but as I recall she’s not made the best choices when pregnant in the past. {Sigh.}


Having been given their instructions the designers are let loose on the materials. Dirty Hair goes fully ballistic and nearly snaps Cute Black Girl’s head right off when CBG accidentally attempts to shop from Dirty Hair’s garbage can. Struggling the most is Chris March for obvious reasons. I worry so much about him.

Back in the workroom, it’s a frenzy of tarp-shredding, material-swapping, and idea-stealing. Specifically, the Male Ice Dancer starts with one idea, doesn’t like it, takes a peek at Chris March’s concept, and decides to do him one better by adding his exceptional talent. Poor Chris March. He’s always so put upon and just sucks it up. Mullet is making a tarp into a painted green chevron textile. I feel like (a) chevron is a little over, or at least a little too big with the DIY crowd to fly on PRAS4, and (b) tarp + paint (where did that come from?) = too close to fabric. And her idea is sort of tomboy cutesy and only qualifies as feminine because it lacks a crotch. Deaf Guy is planning to make a cocktail dress out of white fencing, which is going to leave a whole lot not to the imagination, until he starts to add zip ties and then it looks amazing. Mr. Brit, who borrowed half the fence, is not coming up with half the concept for himself.

Runway time! Our judges are PR favorite Elie Tahari, and, naturally, Snooki and JWoww. Because, why?


The runway show is the usual hot mess. My favorite part is when the Male Ice Dancer’s model turns and ooops! a big patch of ass pops out at the judges. Peek a boo!

AS4-2 ice dancer

Poo on you for stealing from Chris March!

Our top looks are from Hispanic Rick Astley, Deaf Guy, and Ruby.

AS4-2 top

Clearly Deaf Guy is the winner. It’s fencing, it’s zip ties, but it has exquisite shape, glitters like magic, and is perfectly tasteful. I love it. I am not sure these other two are top three in my personal opinion, and it seems like the judges are in disagreement as well. Sam loves the nail necklace Rick Astley made and it’s clever and crafty but: ugly. And the shredded tarp is a little Muppety for my taste. JWoww loves Ruby’s little wedding dress, because she has wedding on the brain plus it’s got a big sheer hole in the middle which makes it perfect for a certain type of person’s wedding dress. I think it looks very trashy first communion, a combination one truly hopes to never witness, and also like every other thing Ruby makes. Why is she back for a THIRD crack at this when we never liked her the first two times? Also, is Ruby knocked up with her own Baby Huffington?

Bottom three are Dirty Hair, Chris March, and Mullet.

AS4 2 bottomFirst of all, as we know I feel Chris March got done wrong on this challenge. But thank Chaka both Isaac and Elie like the skirt. I cannot agree with them in the least but all the same that’s what saves Chris so I am going to keep my lips zipped. The judges are extremely disappointed in Mullet’s chevron dress, and I have to agree. There’s absolutely nothing interesting about the a-line shape, other than not having a crotch there’s nothing overtly feminine about it, and the textile is sort of camo-in-the-asparagus-patch. It’s just lame, and underwhelming from someone we know can innovate.

But the clear worst is Dirty Hair, whose anger while forcing the vast pile of materials she accumulated into this dollar store plastic tablecloth Barbie 80’s costume was apparent throughout. Someone says it reminds them of a spider; it reminds me of the black sun shelter that took flight at yesterday’s soccer game, cartwheeling across the length of the field. Elie kind of likes it but no one else does, plus it doesn’t fit through a doorway, and she’s out. Is it just me or is she so intense it renders her a little cross-eyed? Please shower.

Next time: it’s a good-versus-evil fashion face-off in a challenge inspired by Wicked, and Sam enters riding the flying witch stage contraption! Eeeekkk!



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“I Wish That I Could Be Like The Cool Kids” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 1 Recap

I’ve not recapped PumpRules before because it’s on too late, involves too many characters named Tom, and has, in the past, followed RHOBH which makes for too many recaps to juggle. But frankly things have generally been far more amusing at SUR Lounge than with those catty cougars so let’s give it a go, shall we? When last we saw this motley crew, everyone was mad at Jax for “banging” Kristen, except me, because those two seem like they were meant to be, don’t they? Also, judging from the opening credits the cast appears to have quadrupled in size, which means the herpes outbreak has become an epidemic.


It’s morning in LA, and we get to see many butts and one forehead-shaving in action from Tom Sandoval as the kids get ready to start the day. Is this a complexion-maintenance strategy from the Caroline Manzo playbook, or does he grow a lot of rogue hairs that far down? Unclear. Jax informs us that he is at the “highest point” in his life despite being alone, employed as a bartender, and age 46. Really, I think he is super old. Must go check…. (UPDATE: he is 29. I call bullshit! He must have the same publicist as one V. Gunvalson.)

Kristen, meanwhile, has lost her much-abused boyfriend, her friends, and her apartment, but is up one 22-year-old Horshack lookalike fuckmate.


Or so she says. Isn’t Kristen like 39? (UPDATE: IMDb does not post an age. She is 39.) The lucky escapee, Tom SANdoval (I like to mentally pronounce that with a flourish) is now dating Ariana, but we all knew that because of the reunion. Elsewhere, Scheana got a dumb tattoo she will eventually regret and Katie is annoyed, as usual, currently because everyone associates her with tequila. Oh, and everyone has got new butt-uglier unis. And no one seems to be wearing appropriate undergarments with them which is gross as the unis need to be turned back in after use as Stassi informed us she did when she quit after last season. Oh, the compromised hygiene!


Lady Pump swings by SUR for a little camera time and a visit with Jax, who was moments ago doing shots with patrons, unscolded. All is well with Lady Pump who is super-busy getting her new venue PUMP Gay Lounge, ramped up and operational. Jax, meanwhile, is now working the bar with his ex-best friend, ex-nemesis SANdoval. They were originally assigned to separate bars but this one makes more money and eventually they engaged in small talk so they are now frenemies and share lip gloss and all that.

Back in the kitchen where the waitresses are primping, loitering, and checking their phones instead of taking orders from the starving masses of tourists, Kristen corners her new bestie, Scheana, and breathlessly shares the thrilling news that she’s been wearing her Snoopy Sherlock cap and matching cape from the Kountess Lu London Daze Kollection and by trolling Instagram has stumbled upon some truly nauseating accusations against SANdoval! And she’s gonna have to leave Scheana to salivate in wait.


While all this is going on Katie bails mid-shift and hops into a Toyota Celica driven by, of all people, Princess Stassi. It seems Stassi’s residency in NYC was short-lived and her boyfriend has now been transferred to LA so here she comes! Lady Pump is still mad at her for quitting without notice and unloading her unis in filthy condition.

Speaking of Lady Pump, she and Mr. Lisa are over at PUMP Gay Lounge primping things up and installing a box. “Ken! Come see my box!” Lady Pump yodels. What’s in your box, Lisa? Their fellow Brit who is also a nightclub magnate, owning Planet Hollywood (oh, that guy from the Pandy’s-bachelorette-not-at-the-Palms fiasco) and a place called Mixology stops by and declares the place “magic”. Oh, magic will happen here. You just wait.

Later, after work hours, Kristen and Horshack hook up with Scheana and her fiance, Kevin Smith from Clerks, so they can deliver the bomblet: it seems there’s some nasty ho in Miami who claims that when SANdoval was visiting last month they banged. And Detective K has proof in the form of this girl’s texts, facts, info, and the nasty tidbit that Aunt Flo was also visiting at the time and SANdoval commanded the ho to remove her white cigar. I don’t understand the relevance of this. Is Detective K now in possession of said hygiene device? And why are she – and Horshack – quite so enmeshed in proving this sordid tale true? Whatever. She’s telling Scheana because Scheana is also BFFs with Kristen’s nemesis, Ariana, which isn’t awkward in the least, and therefore now that she’s filled Scheana in Scheana is going to have to tell Ariana for her own good. That Scheana is a regular truth cannon! Oh, the irony.

Jax is off to get some plastic surgery from a doctor recommended by one of the two chicks he’s banging. One look at the receptionist’s terrifying inflated lips and I would have hit the elevator button, but Jax is all in. Of course, it’s not really cosmetic – like Assy Bellino, he has a deviated septum. And can hardly breathe, you guys! But while he’s at it they are going to straighten out his little bump and streamline things to make “beautiful” better. Christ, he’s gonna need a lot more work than that to qualify as beautiful for me. Katie’s boyfriend, The Other Tom, has been moved up to Spilling A Drink in the intro so he has (a) been assigned to babysit Jax for this nose surgery, and (b) taken to wearing a merkin on his head to keep up with the PumpRules questionable hair standards.


While Jax consults on his new nose, Stassi, who is no stranger to extensive work, stops by to make nice with Lady Pump at PUMP Gay Lounge. They need to talk it out, you see, because even though they did that at the reunion on the show we pretend we don’t do normal reality and only refer to our reality-reality. Stassi tells Lady Pump she feels no one is “growing” except Katie. Lady Pump feels Scheana is “growing”. They agree Kristen is trapped in her self-destructive choices.

Speaking of that, it wouldn’t be PumpRules without a birthday celebration, and tonight it’s Scheana’s, which is like the second most important birthday in the PumpRules universe as we all know. Scheana has commanded her people to convene at the aforementioned Mixology (surprise!) but before they can, she and her BFF Ariana are going to sit down on Scheana’s licey couch with a midday glass of wine and Scheana is going to unload Detective K’s Big Scoop. Ariana is unfazed. She’s heard all this already, it’s all this dumb girl trying to make a story and put herself in it, and she knows when Tom is lying and he’s not now. And what has possessed Detective K to assign herself to this case? Still the real mystery.

Party time! Apparently Horshack came to LA from The Bronx Britain to be a DJ, not to make sweet music with SANdoval, but to make it BIG. And he claims he is although I am going to have to take his word for it because mama don’t club. So he’s there with Scheana’s Second BFF, Kristen, and it’s gonna be all awkward because Scheana’s main BFF, Ariana, is obviously going to be there with SANdoval. Jax arrives with his LA girlfriend (as opposed to his Vegas option) and The Other Tom, who fires things up with seven shots… of water. Oh ha ha you funny!

Ariana arrives with SANdoval, who is wearing a black snood and a drapey white wrap cardigan. He looks like Amanda Bynes on one of her better days. And he’s totally pissed at Scheana for being friends with Detective K, and with Horshack for being an “annoying Muppet” BMW-selfie-shooting backstabber. You never expect the Muppets.


While this sure-to-rock party gets going, Stassi and Katie are getting together with a couple of the SUR extras for their OWN party, which is gonna be so much better than theirs, you guys, and after Peter The Pirate and another SUR random join them an Instafight breaks out. Yes. They called it that. The two parties post dueling photos of themselves each having THE BEST TIME EVER YOU GUYS! and trying to make each other jealous. With the bitchery levels equal, I think Scheana’s party wins by one weird ice skating costume and a snood. Plus the vogueing was epic.



Next thing Jax is actually interacting with Detective K and demanding to know what she’s doing investigating this Miami situation. He was there and insists there is no there there. Detective K feels she needs to prove SANdoval is a lyin’ piece of shit, because this all comes back to Kristen’s insistence that even though she banged Jax, twice, once in her and SANdoval’s own bed with him in the next room, HE actually cheated on HER because he kissed Ariana once before the banging happened. Oh, right. That curious logic.

SANdoval decides it’s time to confront that bitch and goes over to do it. Horshack is hovering and determined to insert himself in the middle because he doesn’t yet Spill A Drink. And then: Fists a-flyin’! It’s a RUMBLE you guys! Watch the hair!

Next time: well, more fighting and bitchassery, no doubt. And it’ll be SEXY.


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Fringetastico! 🍷 Project Runway Season 13 Finale & Reunion Recap

Where in the world has been this little mama? First, five days on the beach in Mexico. (85 degree weather, 90 degree water, mango on a stick). Then, five days of school conferences, fundraisers, and family events. THEN: three days in Denver with three childhood friends. THEN: one week of single motherhood. PLUS: Crapcast somehow knocking Lifetime off my cable. AND: Medium monopolizing my computer. But I have worked through it all, friends, have watched both parts of the finale AND the reunion show, and I am back. Plus also taking on PRAS4 (4? – can that be right?) and perhaps observations on Top Chef Boston? Or Pump Rules? What are we watching, kids?

The finale begins with Tim Gunn sweeping our designers out of the Gotham West and off to Rome for three whirlwind days of inspiration. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kick three days in Rome out of bed for eating crackers, but ohmiword would I be TARRED. There, back, and the Coliseum in between? And yet somehow all our designers look fresh and crisp and bright eyed and bushy-tailed. Tim Gunn too, but when does he not?

Tour-guide Tim takes our designers, including Mary J. Blige for whom this is her first trip outside the United States, to hit all the sights: the aforementioned Coliseum, the Pantheon, the Trevi Fountain, the chic cafes. And also shopping for some fabulous Italian textiles should they choose to blow their budgets on such. Are our designers suitably inspired? Yes and no. Bill Rancic The Kiwi is using the betrayal of Caesar as his theme. Hmmm. Pono has decided he’s going for a “Park Avenue Princess Goes to Rome” theme in his collection, which is basically what he would have done anyway, just minus a specified destination. Everyone else just had a nice trip.

Back in the US, it’s time for Tim to make his home visits, starting first with a whirlwind trip to Hawaii to see Pono. Poor Tim with all this exhausting travel. I hope they bought him a seat in Business, at least. Pono is, of course, working with denim, and, of course, making lots of flounce and foof. And his family throws an enormous luau for Tim in the side yard under a tent. Tim hulas. It’s cute.

Next, Tim visits our underdog Mary J. in Detroit. Mary J. and her very presence still here symbolize the resurgence of Detroit, I feel. And I do kind of get it: Detroit’s renewal is sort of a story right now, and a designer making her debut with a very Detroit point of view is unique. So I personally think it’s totally cool that Tim “saved” her and while I think she could have gone home many, many times after that, she’s here, the judges want to see more, and she’s been working crazy hard. Tim’s a little concerned that some of her crazy-hard work has come out a little over the top, and wishes he could stay and coach her through to the very end. Here’s where I feel a bit as though someone who needs a powerful steering hand rather than an independent perspective to bounce ideas off is maybe not quite as fully-developed as a designer and producer of fashion. Mary J. is just not as capable as the others and her creativity and output are limited as a result.

Wart is home in Nashville with her long-suffering husband and has been making lots of funky Bohemian stuff and a whole lotta jewelry to go with it. One thing she has here is a very cohesive, voluminous collection. But I fear it’s too funky and Etsy to be New York runway. She’s so creative and I would love for her to win, but I suspect this patchouli-scented show is going to be way too hippie for the city folk.

Bill Rancic is back in Brooklyn, his adopted home, and has had to build a whole studio from scratch with part of his budget because he literally started with nothing. Like, no sewing machine. Isn’t that elemental? He’s got amazing things going on in a very tight color story of cream, black, and persimmon. (YES: persimmon.) And there’s a whole lotta fringe. I am loving all this fringe, but Tim is concerned that after Nina Gahcia warned of fringe excess it’s not a great idea to go too far with fringe. But I think it’s too late to back away from it anyway so fringealicious it shall be.

Back to NYC where the designers have been relocated to a fabulous hotel suite or luxe apartment or something to await their fates. And their fate is going to require them to show a mini-collection preview to the judges. But not with an associated elimination as there has been in the past. Really? We’re totally going all in with a final four? I suppose it doesn’t really matter at this point as the final ten or something like that get shows. No last-minute additional look, either. Just a pre-show show.

So into the pre show we go.


Wart has got this whole tribal, funky bohemian thing going on, and the judges like it. I even like the blue-and-black one and I normally hate blue and black as we all know! The jewelry is so amazing and really sells the judges. Nina wants more, more, MORE!


Mary J. Blige gets kind praise and encouragement to bring more of herself to the final runway. Nina hates the one-shoulder cocktail dress, though, and sternly instructs her to ditch it. They are concerned about cohesion.


Bill Rancic gets the predictable talk about excessive fringe. “How much fringe is there?” asks Nina. “Enough,” says Bill. He’s not giving in on the fringe. But generally they LOVE it and are taken with his concept about the betrayal of Caesar. I love that I can see the story building through the clothes which doesn’t always happen.


They HATE Pono’s stuff. Everything about it. It’s fussy and overworked and not flattering or sexy or cool in the least. Pono is shattered, but they give him a you can do it! vote of encouragement on his way off the runway to consider throwing himself out the window.

So some of our friends have lots of work to do and a day (and, technically, the morning of the show, which is not when any of them should be doing anything) in which to do it, and Tim shows up with the great news that they get to go back to Mood with $300 more to spend! Whee! Everyone is tremendously relieved except Wart, who declines to go in favor of working with what she’s got, because she’s brought the horn of plenty with her from Nashville.

After spending till what seemed like midnight in the workroom, they are up and sitting on their purses at 3 a.m. ready for Lincoln Center. The usual hurry and flurry backstage with the few elements of unpredictable drama as Mary J. makes all her models trade clothes repeatedly and one of Wart’s models unilaterally changed her shoe choice and had to be re-shod. Something like this always happens.

Runway time!


Wart has got an incredible collection. Lots of suede, color blocking, flattering lines. I love it and wish I was cool enough to pull it off. It’s just altogether conceived, finished, and presented, and there’s a clear brand here in the making.


Mary J. brings it well with her final collection. It’s very urban jungle somehow, but a wee bit casual in some spots and overdone in others. Nina hates a white cocktail dress that’s got a whole lotta ruffles up the front, declaring it to look like toilet paper. I liked it until she said that.


Pono’s collection ends up entirely done over from two days ago, and it’s much better, cleaner, and fresher, but still not going to win this thing. His final dress is absolutely MEANT for Kim Kardashian and her insistence on wearing completely unflattering fits. In other words, not good, as Nina would say.


Oh Bill Rancic. Swoon. You can practically feel the electricity as the collection builds and the story of Caesar’s betrayal plays out from white to black to fire. The two drapey satin gowns and the final persimmon fringe are just beyond. His execution is impeccable but I wonder, though, if he could maintain this level of creativity, clarity, and expression on a continual, consistent basis?

Predictably, in the final judging Pono and Mary J. are quickly auf’ed and it’s down to Wart and Bill. The judges are confident they have found two tremendous talents who bring the potential of a real fully-developed brand to the table. Wart is the American sportswear type (Donna Karan) while Bill is a little more Euro, high concept, upscale. Who to choose? Well, they choose Bill, and I think that was the right choice. Both of them are awesome and they both got a ton of mileage out of this experience so really, who can lose? Winners all around!

I missed the first ten minutes of the reunion show so I hope Tim actually talked to Bill about his win because otherwise he was completely disregarded in favor of attention to the drama between Mary J. and Blossom (tears, stalking off the stage, apologies, hug it out) and Blossom generally monopolizing the discussion the rest of the time aside from a scrap between Pat Benatar and the Indian girl. What did Pat do to her hair? It’s like she had an accident with a shaver on the one side. Overbite wins fan favorite, I think, and I am not entirely sure why. Wart wins $5000 for something and she’s really excited.

I’ll get with you soon for PRAS but right now I have a chorus of demands for Minecraft time.


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Bratty Is The New Black 🍷 Project Runway Season 13 Episode 12 Recap

Final five, people! FINAL FIVE! Of course that means it’s time for the Tim Gunn Wakeup Call, because we haven’t had one of those this season, and we need to showcase the fabulous Manhattan apartment building that is this season’s Atlas to fulfill our product placement deal, right? Tim clapclaps (👏) and escorts our pajamaed designers up to the rooftop where the creative director or whatever person for Lexus is waiting. No, they aren’t going to design looks based on Lexus cars as they have in the past; they are going to drive around New York in chauffeured Lexuses and get inspiration for a “street look”.

Maybe it’s because I live on a rural mail route (really: I can get postage delivered to my very mailbox using a special orange “rural mail” envelope), but I had a hard time understanding what a “street look” is meant to be. I was expecting it to be something the chicest person on a given city block would wear, or super-urban, or involve a cardboard box, or something. But no, it’s something inspired by stuff ON the street, that city people might wear. Apparently mostly a day look, but I am not altogether clear that that’s required.

How is this different from past seasons where designers would be sent out to photograph inspiration from Manhattan itself – architecture, specific neighborhoods, stuff they see on the street? This time it’s so vague as to comprise any and all of those things, or so our designers seem to think, because they go off to get inspired by graffiti art (Wart), a store window display (Mary J. Blige), and a Sikh guy in a white caftan (British Bill Rancic). Our remaining two designers, Pat Benatar and Pono the Pencil Gnome, take a lot of great photos but that was just for fun because they already know what they are going to make – Pat’s making a giant hoodie, and Pono is doing denim, because that’s his thing, you know.

After a trip to Mood it’s back to the workroom they go for a nice, measured, civilized afternoon of cutting and sewing and generally getting along famously. You know that ain’t gonna last and it don’t! because morning dawns and when they return to the workroom they are confronted with mannequins wearing five auf’ed designers’ losing looks. These include the Indian girl’s pink onesie and Blossom’s Fifty Layers Of Wool look from the last episode. The button bag allows each designer to choose their crappy losing look to rework, and they do, with Mary J. choosing the Fifty Layers because it comes with “a lot of fabric”, and Bill Rancic getting stuck with the pink onesie. Tee hee!

But it gets WORSE, because the looks also come with the losing designer! Which means Mary J. Blige is going to have to have Blossom as her assistant – oshit! Oh, and you can tell Blossom is not only absolutely sniveling to have to be here at all, she’s now pitching an absolute tantrum at having to be Mary’s underling. She doesn’t wanna, she won’t, and Tim can’t make her! And: he doesn’t! Doesn’t even blink, just tells her adios and brings in Overbite to replace her (but the Fifty Shades of Wool stays, don’t be fooled). Blossom slams through the staging areas, snatching her purse and ripping off her microphone and making ABSOLUTELY SURE everyone knows how MAD she is. B-R-A-T that spells Blossom. Don’t let the Workroom door hit you in the ass on your way out.

So finally it’s work time. The second look doesn’t have to have anything to do with the first or be anything much of anything other than not what it started the day as, it seems. This is Bill Rancic’s jumping off point to make the pink onesie into a pink cropped long-fringe jacket and matching shorts (what?). Mary J. is going to take all this fabric and make a boring black dress, because she’s never done boring black. Wart has Sprocket’s TV electricity dress and is making it into something two piece involving a bib. Pono picked a long-forgotten designer’s nothing-special red full-length gown and is making it into the Halston inspired long, lean and fabulous look it always should have been. And Pat Benatar… well, Pat’s too absorbed by her hoodie to give a shit how this second look turns out. She’s bought a very Kohl’s looking black-and-blue (WHAT IS WITH THE BLACK AND BLUE?) poly-looking print fabric to make a new skirt, she’s adding a shoulder, and that’s it. Ruh-roh.

Our guest judge this week is someone I don’t know from a show I don’t watch. Her name is Shay Mitchell, and alls I know is she was once dressed by Brad Gorecki for an episode of “It’s A Brad, Brad World”. He was all excited about it which made me excited for him until I started to think “wait – what? Who?” Which I am doing again today.


Wart’s boho maxicaftan is a big hit. The judges love the color blocking, the draping, the cutouts, and the fact that it’s incredibly sexy even while being a giant loose bag. Nina Gahcia WANTS it. No one really likes her madeover Sprockets dress, if you can call it that, but it doesn’t really matter. Wart is in.


On the other hand, the judges loooooooove Pono’s made over gown – it’s flawless – but are less sure in the altogether of his street look. They adore the trench, which Tim Gunn was worried was too Michael Kors, but think the skirt is too much, and I agree. It just doesn’t lay well under the trench nor do they complement each other well. Nonetheless the craftsmanship is superb. Pono too is in.


I think Nina and Zac are going to pass out over British Bill Rancic’s white ensemble. It’s SOOOO CLEAN. And so very modern, and Yohji Yamamoto, or Jil Sander, or something like that. The pink fringe getup is ridiculous, but he knows it, and when life hands you a pink onesie you make an adult pink cowboyette costume, or so the thinking goes. Bill is in.


They are kind of eh about Mary J. Blige. They like the color/print pairing in her street look, and like the skirt and yet its overdone. They hate the pocket. The redo is terrible. It doesn’t fit (unless the model is needing to carry a colostomy bag) and it’s just booooo-ring.

BenatarAlso not going over well is Pat Benatar, which surprises me. I kind of like the hoodie even if it is rather sugar glider; Nina does not. Heidi likes the unitardy thing underneath which Nina does not. No one likes the Kohl’s Mother-Of-The-Bride dress, especially Nina. Nina is killing her softly.

Actually, Nina is killing her altogether. In a slightly shocking move, the judges save Mary J. Blige and auf Pat Benatar, who says “dat’s cool.” She’s totally blasé about getting eliminated this close to Fashion Week, but then again she and the other last-four-eliminated designers all get to do their own shows anyway so what difference does it make? This is where things have gone wrong with Project Runway; in trying to keep the final designers a secret they let more than half the group show anyway.

Next time: it’s the finale, peeps! I’ll be posting my recap late because I am off for some Mexican beach time tomorrow! Ole!

beautiful day

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Giudelusion 🍷 WWHL One-on-One with Teresa and Joe

Wow. Just, wow. If you didn’t catch Teresa and Juicy Joe on last night’s dramatic sit-down with Mr. Andy I am not here to tell you you missed a whole lot. It was pretty much what you expected, and yet it was completely astounding. If you aren’t fully up to date on what the Juicys were accused of and pled to, read this great Buzzfeed article and then come on back.


At one point about halfway through, a notably dressed-down and relatively-jewelry-free Teresa told Mr. Andy that Gia knew about the sentences and had assured her mom that she would help out and that it would be good practice for her to become a mom someday herself. Which was (a) perfectly heartbreaking for that child, and (b) the one single thing to come out of Tre’s mouth this entire half hour that actually sounded like the honest truth. Everything else was a bunch of stuttering, self-serving garbage. Tre doesn’t do that part very well. But she’s a victim, you guys!

Having pled guilty, Tre now insists she once again didn’t know what she was agreeing to, didn’t know she could be facing jail time, didn’t expect any penalty at all. The lesson she’s learned is that she needs to read stuff before she signs it, but apparently Tre did not learn this lesson in time to understand the plea deal which, of course, is all her lawyers’ fault because they are supposed to make things go away. Tre doesn’t read things before she signs them because she’s a “trustworthy” person, or at least she was before she pled guilty; now she’s a felon convicted, essentially, of not being trustworthy.

Basically these two are still shilling the idea that although they didn’t do anything really wrong, whatever they did do was all Juicy Joe’s fault and Tre was the entirely innocent duped spouse. Juicy further insists he didn’t really commit any sort of fraud – it was the banks! THEY handed him material intended to defraud them and he just signed it! Mr. Andy points out that among the fraudulent materials he is accused of producing are W-2 forms, the taxable forms your employer provides you (not the bank) to document your salary for tax purposes. The Juicys gave the banks W-2s that purported to show that Tre had a job at times she didn’t (in one case as a salaried secretary), which they used to document their loan requests because Tre had better credit. But somehow it’s those dumb banks’ fault, per Juicy Joe. I guess he’s following the theory that if you ask a dumb question you get a dumb answer, a theory he seems to also have employed when documenting their assets for the court for sentencing since he basically blew that off.

It seems like it’s dawned on the Juicys that perhaps this Real Housewives gig has been a very sharp double-edged sword. Had they not done the show, I think it’s a fair assumption they might have gotten lighter sentences (not that I think there’s anything unfair about being made an example – with privilege often comes burdens). Might not even have been busted at all. Might not have gone to such extremes to fabricate such extravagant lifestyles in the first place. But they also would have missed out on the income and the opportunities being a Real Housewife has provided. Without the show, Tre probably would be just another flat-chested stay-at-home-mom in yoga pants taxiing her kids to their various activities while spaghetti sauce simmers in the slow cooker. And guess what: that’s not so bad. It’s actually kind of a great gig. It doesn’t come with fabulicious fame, but it doesn’t come with notoriety or prison time, either.

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Lock ‘Er Up 🍷 Project Runway Season 13 Episode 11 Recap

Oooh, this shit just got good! I have to admit I wasn’t expecting a whole lot of anything special out of last night’s episode, but then… then it happened. SHAZAM!

Backing up, our designers are awakened by a disembodied Heidi on a tablet in their bedrooms telling them they are going on an off-site field trip today. Off they go to some warehouse which I am pretty sure is “the” warehouse for all PR “warehouse” scenes. Weren’t we here moons ago when Laura Bennett had to rifle through stored crap in her jodphurs?

Storage is again the name of the game as our designers are confronted with five storage pods. This is a team challenge, and pairs of designers are going to have $500 to purchase the storage pods of their choice, the contents of which they are to use to create two cohesive looks. Five pods ÷ three teams = someone is only going to get one pod to work with. Is that going to be a disadvantage? Somehow I don’t think so.

The button bag, PR’s version of the sorting hat, comes out and pairs Pono the Pencil Gnome with Wart, Blossom with Pat Benatar, and British Bill Rancic with the black girl. Who I have decided to call Mary J. Blige.


Finally, a nickname. All is right in the world now.

So predictably, each of these pods is filled with crap, but not real crap – staged crap. It’s all clean, it’s all “themed”, and there are no dead bodies or rats or any other undesirable elements. Just good, clean, pretend-jumbled, pretend-abandoned, pretend-smelly mostly-fabric-like stuff, some pods filled with more than others. Team Blossom/Benatar gets two pods, one with old furniture and one with miscellany including textile materials and a wedding dress. Team Blige/Rancic gets one nearly empty pod that has a bright blue moving blanket and a dresser, which they suspect contains more fabric-type stuff, and another that has a lot of “man” stuff like gear and a leathery-looking piece of furniture or something. Team PonoWart picks the most random pod containing a bunch of sports balls, foam floor squares, and a painting of a “psychedelic yeti” who is speaking to Wart and summoning her to him. Looks like they are at a disadvantage here, which means you just wait!

Back in the workroom, Mary J. Blige is needing a lot of guidance from Bill Rancic which causes extensive arrogant smirking and snide commentary from Blossom, who is all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips. Just ask her! See, Mary J. Blige doesn’t belong in this competition because she required the Tim Gunn Save and also lacks advanced sewing skills (I am not going to accept Blossom’s assertion that she doesn’t even have basic skills, because she obviously does, she just may not be a veritable engineer in the workroom.) Blossom conveniently seems to forget Chris March, who also got auf’ed and resurrected and is one of the best designers PR has ever showcased, and Anya, who WON the whole damn thing with barely any sewing skills to start with. Not that I think Mary J. Blige is either Chris March or Anya, but I don’t think Blossom is either so I’d prefer she keep her nasty insecure thoughts to herself. (Actually I would not prefer that because it’s more fun when the designers are talking big and setting themselves up for a massive comeuppance.)

Suddenly, he appears. Tim Gunn. He’s early, which can only mean: a twist! Yes, our designers are being assigned a twist: they need to make a third look to go with the other two, but this one will be fabricated with real fabric from Mood. Yay! say PonoWart, because they are clean out of soccer balls. One designer from each pair is sent off to buy fabric, which results in a weird neon pink woven material for PonoWart, black (I think?) for Team BillBlige, and a really cheap and questionable looking knit in Traffic Light for Team Blossom Benatar, chosen by Blossom herself who as we know can do no wrong. Just ask her!

Our guest judge is Christian Siriano, yippee!! Now that we’re down to six we’re talking about everyone, so here we go:


First up is Team PonoWart, with the peculiar crop top/tight mom pants look Wart made, the psychedelic-yeti-over-garbage-bags they collaborated on, and the soccer ball dress topped with a faux fur ottoman bomber jacket made by Pono. And the judges love it. At one point this soccer ball dress was going frighteningly teenage sadomasochist, but they pulled it back and turned it out genius. Super cute, even if no one anywhere would wear any of this.


Next is Team Blige/Rancic, which has gotten a little funky incorporating a lampshade into one of their getups. The judges love the blue coat, which has boning from another lampshade in the back to give it tiered structure. They also like some aspects of the lampshade gown, specifically the blue racerback, but don’t like the little jacket and skirt look Mary J. Blige worked up as its just not that interesting nor representative of challenging work. Why does everyone like blue and black so much?


Finally comes Team Blossom Benatar, whose looks have a fall/winter Southwest-ish vibe. I’ll be honest, I kind of liked this group in the altogether, definitely liked the styling. I would have liked their Mood look a lot better if the textile wasn’t so stoplight to me. My least favorite was Blossom’s look (right), which Nina Gahcia also did not like and she told Blossom so.

Blossom pouts

And that got Blossom SNARKY, and whiny teenager, complaining that assertions that they have seen this look from her before are only partly true because she’s only done Southwest once. She may not “understand” children but she sure is one. Whatever: her look doesn’t fit well, it’s too bunched up, and the cape is very Sherlock Holmes, and not in a good way. Her model just looks overheated, weighed-down, and tired.

So the clear winner is Pono with the soccer dress, easy. But what to do about our loser, which is really what we’re here about? Heidi has a brilliant idea: let’s throw them the “remake a look in a flash” curveball! (I want to see a new curveball one of these days, don’t you?) Mary J. Blige and Blossom are sent back to the workroom to make anything they want out of ANY leftover fabric, in one hour, with the assistance of their teammate.

Done and done, right? Wrong. Because Blossom is pissed off, and pouting, and is going to damn well make sure those STUPID judges KNOW it. And she shouldn’t have to be put up against that untalented COW Mary J. Blige because she should have STAYED eliminated when she got eliminated! So while she’s busy storming around and resentfully half-assing it.

At the end of an hour, Mary J. Blige presents this:


Cute, fits well, the flowy part is happy, and overall it’s finished looking and has a point of view. And thankfully, no black to go with the blue. Blossom presents this:


because she’s SO mad she even has to do this that she’s going to use the cheapest, most plastic-baggy looking fabric she can find in the workroom, so there. Needless to say, Blossom is out, but not after more back talk to the judges and throwing Mary J. Blige under the bus for not having stayed gone. Before Tim comes to collect Blossom and send her packing, Blossom gets in a few more digs at Mary J. Blige for having already been eliminated and not deserving to be there. But Mary has survived five more challenges since returning, she points out, and has made it past Blossom, the bitter old bitch. Bye bye!

Next time: the final five have to rework a loser look into a winner! Maybe Mary J. ought to pick Blossom’s, just for kicks. SHAZAM!


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Thou Shalt Not Tweed Thy Stranger 🍷 Project Runway Season 13 Episode 10 Recap

From an “American Girl” challenge to a “girl off the street” challenge – they just aren’t letting up on the non-model-model challenges, are they? Yes, it’s another “real world” challenge in which our remaining, Indian-girl-free designers are tasked with finding a complete stranger out in Washington Square Park who just happens to be available for the next three days and make her an outfit. A makeover outfit, no less. So they have to convince a stranger to go down the road that has provided others with pure public humiliation without insulting them in the process. Good luck, people.


Luckily for this remaining group, they all have tact, something that has eluded many before them. VEN and Chinless Fatneck I am looking at you. So off they go. I really have to wonder how this works: did Production pre-clear a reasonable number of available, functional adult women to be available in this park so that the designers have enough options to find at least ONE, like a scavenger hunt? You kind of have to think they did, logistically speaking. And everyone does, although British Bill Rancic finds his last, standing around the center of the park like a deer in the headlights until he winds up with the most attractive gal in the bunch – ho! What a lucky break!

Pono the Pencil Gnome was the first person to land a model and is immediately regretting his choice as his model turns out to be a bit of a hippie lulu. And Pono doesn’t design for hippie lulus. He’s shattered. He’s struggling, and uninspired. Until!: Pono remembers that he’s a genius with denim, and hippies love denim! A jacket and dress in contrasting denim it shall be.

Another designer who is struggling is Overbite Guy, although he has no idea anything is wrong until Tim Gunn stops by and informs him that what he’s working on is “one of the most hideous garments” Tim has ever seen in his “entire existence”. SHAZAM and POW. Mouths gape. Silence descends, holds, and clenches. Overbite Guy just did not realize that his green houndstooth tweed crop-top-and-circle-skirt combo looks like it has been drenched in the green snot from Ghostbusters. What he thought it looked like I cannot begin to guess, but I saw snot and clearly so did Tim.

Everyone else seems to be humming along and feeling reasonably confident, whether or not such confidence is misguided, until the unthinkable happens: in literally the last seconds before runway time, the black girl’s model accidentally runs her zipper right off the track. Black girl sort of freaks out at her, then looks to Tim in a blind panic. He’s been her savior once before, will he do it again? Tim considers the fact that this is a schoolteacher off the street, not a model, who will have to strut the runway pants-free, and reflects on the hell that hath had no fury like a humiliated person-off-the-street in previous season challenges. Tim decides to ask the designers if it’s okay to give the black girl ten more minutes to replace her zipper. They agree, and are immediately bitter en masse about it. What do they care? She’s not going to knock anyone out of the top nor butt-bump them down to the bottom, anyway. (Frankly, if they said no, I think the judges would take greater pity on the whole situation anyway.)

So after a ten minute wait that is greeted with great theatricality by the judges, it’s runway time. Our guest judge is Michelle Monaghan, who is more familiar than many of our recent judges to me.


And away we go!

13-10 middleSafely in the middle this week, after all that consternation over just asking a girl out, is British Bill Rancic. No surprise as his look was probably the most middle-of-the-road, but also the only look I’d actually wear. Without the sweetheart bustline, preferably.

13-10 top

Top is Blossom, Pono the Pencil Gnome, and Pat Benatar, redeeming herself admirably after last week’s pogrom fiasco. The judges like Blossom’s look for the craftsmanship that went into it; apparently leather jackets are her “thing”. I appreciate her work but do not love jackets like this and love blue-and-black together even less as we well know. And I find the skirt wonky. And the styling unflattering.

I’m also somewhat alarmed by Pono’s ensemble; the denims do not work together in the right way for me (although I realize the risk of going Britney-n’-Justin is far too high when working in denim-on-denim), the skirt shape makes his gal, who wasn’t that big, look enormous in the caboose, and there’s a whole lotta boobage hanging out. This is supposedly for a “first date”. That‘s a date I’d like to see on The Singles Project.

Pat Benatar’s flamenco costume is wackadoodle but also totally appropriate for her eastern-European artiste. Some people do wear things like this and her girl is one of them. It’s well and thoughtfully made. But Blossom takes it and her head gets THAT MUCH FATTER in the process.

13-10 bottom

Our bottom are: the black girl, Wart, and Overbite Guy. The judges are just underwhelmed by Black Girl’s peplum jumpsuit shorts suit. They don’t think the length is appropriate (even though the client appreciates it), and they just don’t find it all that inspired or well-made. I hate the peplum. Who likes a flounce on their ass, other than Kim Kardashian? I just do not understand peplum. Zac says it looks like a tap dance costume and it TOTALLY DOES.

Next time: it’s a team challenge and the designers have to craft looks from

Wart and Overbite Guy’s looks are straight out of Modcloth. Have you ever ordered something from Modcloth? I did, once. It was one of the less retro looking things and I thought it would be a cute simple A-line dress for the office. WRONG. It was so short it could only fit in office porn, and the fabric was so painfully cheap I could hardly wait to stuff it back in the box and delete all future emails. Wart’s Modcloth look is further accessorized by a cheap-looking vest. NO. Overbite Guy’s is ill-fitting, unflattering, and horribly styled. Although at least he removed the snot trails. This is really difficult, if you ask me, but the judges and I agree that Overbite Guy is not working out here. For me it was the oxfords he put her in. If he’d picked better shoes this might not have happened this way…

Next time: it’s a team challenge (so late in the game!), and they are going to have to create looks out of crap found in old storage containers. Eeeeeuuuwwww.

beautiful day


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