That’s IT! 💎 Announcing the RHOBH Strike

Another season of Housewives, another abandonment on my part. The only guilt I feel is for letting you all down. But come ON, people: have any of us been enjoying this?

Three weeks later and I am still jacked up like this:

IMG_2706.JPG

It’s killing me, smalls. With the wheels hanging off, I actually watched and took notes and photos on the third-to-last episode of RHOBH, got it 95% written, never finished it, and never mustered the energy or will to watch what was left of the season. For a couple of reasons:

1) last Wednesday, when I was really struggling with many things not the least of which was the situation pictured above that just exacerbates everything, I was unloading my Festivus list of complaints during my Wednesday KidTaxi Service when Big quite reasonably attempted to help by suggesting I get a hobby. A HOBBY?! For fuck’s sake!

But I realized he’s entirely right: I do have hobbies – lots of them! – and I am not getting to enjoy them in the least. Writing, and writing this blog, is my most favorite hobby. It gives me a great deal of satisfaction to express my thoughts, but it’s time consuming and takes a fair amount of commitment, and when the content is largely writing about a pack of ridiculous women, that content needs to carry a lot of appeal for me to push aside all the things that need to be done and matter to everyone else in my immediate household and general vicinity in order to divert the time and attention to such amusements as a pure hobby.

2) Which is ultimately the problem: as with last season of RHOC, there has been nothing whatsoever appealing, nor any amusement, with this season of RHOBH. What’s more, there hasn’t even been anything resembling Real in all the goings-on among these “real” “Housewives”. The whole drama surrounding everything Yo-related this season is as frustrating to me as everything involving Donn2 last season, in no small part because the whole storyline is so contrived. Not the “is she sick” thing, but the way it’s playing out.

The whole crisis between the Lisas about what exactly LVP said and what she was trying to do boils down to this: these women, especially the veteran women, line up off camera to tee up storylines. You know they do! They talk about what’s going on, and the SMART ones who have been at this rodeo a while get their stories in order and their allegiances lined up so that they – hopefully – stay on the sunny side of the street and get to gawk. The newer ones, like Lipsey, start to catch on to some degree, but unless they are hard-core into the kool-aid of the other ladies or there purely to craft themselves into some form of Bethenny 2.0 and actually have a fairly well-developed idea of what that is going to be, usually find themselves along the sidelines wearing some of the flung poop.

Two seasons ago in the OC, it was Tammy and Heather and painfully naive new Housewife Shannon, whose social awkwardness with not just the existing ‘Wives but also her own, wayward husband found herself teed up unawares. Last season, Shannon got smart enough to know how to play the game, and while the OG Vic was distracted by the skeeve she couldn’t shake plopped her straight into the blender, capably operated by brand-new and not-stupid ‘Wife Meghan.

This season in BH, I am certain LVP and Kyle were engaged in plenty of snarky sideline conversation about Yo, and that Lipsey was present for or part of plenty of it. So when she popped up in her swank bell-bottoms to announce that her colorist had mentioned this sort of weird array of symptoms and behavior could be something called Munchausen’s Syndrome, it was like LVP won The Price Is Right! Come on down! And off she went to draw Lipsey into the discussion of how to play this out – which, because it breaches the fourth wall, cannot be incorporated directly into the on-camera discussion. But Lipsey, stupidly, failed to appreciate that not only was this her opportunity to get on the NoYo bus with her best-option girls, but that if she tried to fight it, she’d eventually get run over. And that’s exactly what happened.

And that’s why I am so annoyed with this show: it’s not enough to wade past all the stuff that goes unsaid but talked around which is, largely, the plotting and intentionality that goes into arranging oneself as a “Housewife”. It’s really, fiercely irritating when what they ARE doing is not only not aspirational, not silly, not funny, not fun, but worst of all FIGHTING about the plotting and intentionality they are not supposed to be talking about. I really have better things to do than take the time to watch, digest, and analyze that. They are bullcaca people professionally selling bullcaca, and I am not buying.

via

So: I’m done with RHOBH, and OC too. They both desperately need a full-flung recast on a regular basis to keep things fresh and, literally, real, and if they aren’t going to do it, I’m not bothering with it. I want to write more, again, about more not-TV stuff. And I am optimistic for this season of RHONY and will give it a go; I’m honestly sort of enjoying watching Queen B self-destruct in the likability department, and the three things New York has always had in spades are ridiculousness, legitimate wealth and access, and New York itself. And being on Wednesdays gives it a much better chance to find an open spot on my schedule. So again, I am truly sorry for letting you all down. I can’t do it all, but I’ll do what I can.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | 1 Comment

 “Muu Muu Converted” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 17 Recap

After months of inconsistency, you are about to receive a reasonably timely RHOBH recap, thanks to this:

 

Please ignore the mess.

I sprained my knee in a freak night-terror incident the other day, so I’ll be on hiatus from regular activity for a while here. What better distraction than these ridiculous broads from the BH?

We’re still in NYC for the Global Lyme Gala, and a gentleman is here to enhance Yo’s classic Dutch beauty with what I assume to be spackle made from strictly organic beets and cacao pods. Yo hasn’t had makeup on for 11 months nor has she had Botox in three years. AND she’s been in that ratty bathrobe for the last 14 months! At first I thought she’d said she has been in the bathroom for 14 months which I am sure one would feel was the case if you had a foot-long worm in your intestine as Yo has told us she has.

Yo is the star of this event and she’s getting by with just one makeup man and the daylight streaming through a window. Erika Jayne, on the other hand, requires the assistance of a crew of two that follow her everywhere, and significant professional-grade equipment. Meet Laurentius and Priscilla. I am sure they were born with those names. Spackling completed, it’s time for the requisite Erika Jayne Instagram post. She feels mounting this coffee table will show off her assets to their most flattering effect.

Which is when Kyle, in her super-prim school uniform Mumsie dress, enters from behind.

If they weren’t true blue BFFs before they are now.

So off we got to the Cipriani for the Global Lyme Alliance Gala for 600 people. It’s a beautiful space but confusing to me as I always assumed the Cipriani was some sort of restaurant and not a giant event hall. Maybe I am confusing it with Le Cirque. Anyway, Joe Jonas is here because at the time he was Darling Gigi’s boyfriend, and Yo is delighted to see him even though if I had a daughter that is NOT the Jonas I would leave my child alone with. Also here is Tommy Hilfiger because apparently his daughter Ally also has Lyme and is also getting an award. Did anyone besides me watch Rich Girls on MTV about ten years ago, where Ally and her lesser known BFF caroused about living large? Apparently Ally has had Lyme since she was SEVEN years old and was not diagnosed until she was 21 and now considers herself cured. Good for her!

Yo’s award is, of course, presented by her most favorite child, Gigi, and in her acceptance speech Yo thanks her “courageous” (if soon-to-flee) husband GHDF for his actions that speak louder than words and for standing by her during this romance-free saga, and her #2 and #3 children, who, she reveals, also have Lyme.

Kyle, predictably, reacts with tears, and deflection. How could she even have been in the ROOM with that horrible Lipsey Rinna who has cast such cruel doubt on Yo’s journey? Oh, and don’t forget that Lady Pump, she was in there, too! Erika hopes that Yo’s speech will close the door on doubt or misunderstanding. Kyle says yes, she is not going to permit any further conversations about Yo and her health crisis. That’ll last.

(Oh, and also: Yo tells Kyle that in fact #2 and #3 didn’t want her talking to people about them having Lyme, but as a mother “you will do anything”. Presumably this means anything to get them healthy, even if it means calling attention to them when they don’t want it. Presumably this also means that if Mo, as their father, declined to share that information with others, or if he never was told in the first place, then perhaps others’ confusion and/or repeating his denial, as Lady Pump did, isn’t all that ill-intended, no?)

Speaking of Lady Pump, she has to go to London to get her passport renewed on the fly in order to go to Dubai. As a Housewife she isn’t better prepared than this? Before she goes, she presents poor neglected Max A BRAND NEW CAR! Come on down, Max Pump! He’s been working hard and bussing tables like a pro, which actually he is, so she’s happy to upgrade his ride to this sleek black Jeep Wrangler. In which he will promptly smoke. Lady Pump Loves You!

Back in LA, it’s time to pack for our upcoming Housewives Field Trip. This is proving to be very difficult for Lipsey Rinna, who is trying to sort out what ten outfits to take, whether she can or cannot wear a bikini, how she is going to keep that little birdie from flying up, and whether or not Harry Hamlin can manage the schedule for the little Hams while she is away. Eileen, meanwhile, is performing chiropractic work on Vinny so he doesn’t get all jacked up throwing away her old lady lamps while she’s out of town.

Erika Jayne, of course, is not coming alone. No, she’s bringing her full glam squad plus their support staff, and also a published and bound “look book” of all her outfit options, plus accessories. Why does she need the look book if she is bringing the committee? Regardless, no the other ladies don’t know she’s bringing an entourage, so these poor fools are going to be stuck making the 24-hour flight to Dubai back with the chickens.

The ‘Wives, meanwhile, are flying Delta One, which is apparently Delta’s first class operation. At LAX it naturally has its own entrance and celebrity passenger storage area.

Erika Jayne has dressed in favor of comfort, which makes sense, and has chosen a sequin Tweety sweatshirt, which does not.

Eileen, meanwhile, has elected to dress as a farmer.  

And away they go!

Yo is, of course, staying behind in LA. Because she is (a) sick, as we ALL KNOW, (b) packing up the Yo Chateau for good, and (c) entertaining a visit from the banished Glands. who quite mysteriously now looks like a longer version of Adrienne Maloof of all people.

The Glands giraffes on in and makes herself at home in Gigi My Beloved’s room. After catching up a bit on The Glands’ Tinder activities (dating likeable men with short arms), married life with GHDF (for now, they continue to be “making lemonade”), and #2’s relationship with The Weeknd (who can’t feel his face) it’s Yo’s big chance to throw Lipsey Rinna into the yawning mouth of the Glands Cannon, sharing that Lipsey was all bent out of shape that Yo had lunch with Kim and The Glands, and also that she said Yo has Munchausen’s. Which isn’t exactly what she said, but anyway. The Glands thinks wig glue is affecting Lipsey’s brain and that she needs to eat something and stop “preying on the weak”. I kind of think Lipsey’s problem is that she is the weak one.

Anyway: Dubai. They are shacking up at the Atlantis Palm Dubai, which basically looks like the Caribbean Atlantis we’ve all seen in commercials except the bridge connecting the two buildings is all exotic Aladdin’s Lamp-shaped. It’s very Vegas, and very remote from downtown Dubai. I mean, it’s dark! Where is all the big city that Dubai is famous for?

Kyle, our Hostess, talks very loudly and slowly to the gal at check-in, who nods and books her into a $40K-a-night suite with Lady Pump in response. Lipsey and Eileen are getting their own rooms (Eileen’s being underwater), while Erika Jayne has to bunk with Kathryn. Where are her manservants going to go? Rollaways in the lounge?

Apparently these broads are not the least bit tired because off they go to refresh and put on their caftaniest caftans for dinner. Kyle’s is, of course, Kyle’s Technicolor Dreamcaftan.

But she’s got nothing on Lady Pump, who is full-on Elizabeth Taylor.  Just putting her hair up makes her look ten years younger. Mr Pump should try it!  Not everyone got the message, though, specifically Kathryn, who is denied a second cheek kiss by Kyle before being sent off to change out of the ugly brown librarian dress she wore. They sit down on the floor like real Dubaians to eat hummus and baba ghanoush, and Kyle, who not ten minutes ago announced she was going to put an absolute halt to any further discussion of Yo’s health, immediately brings up Yo, saying she wishes Yo’s health would have permitted her to come.

Erika pipes up that she wishes Lipsey was at the big gala to get the hammer dropped on her bony ass all her questions answered. Lipsey responds that she never doubted that Yo was ill, but she questions whether Yo uses it to her advantage to shield herself from people and blame and accountability for her choices. I’m not sure what “choices” she’s talking about, and Erika demands to know if Lipsey really thinks Yo would choose to miss her daughters at Fashion Week if she didn’t have to. Lipsey says that’s her opinion. Erika thinks she’s wrong, and would find it tiring to be so pointlessly opinionated.

Eileen, of all people, AGREES. She doesn’t get Lipsey’s deal about Yo being all manipulative or why it’s still a “thing”. Lady Pump pipes up that it’s a big deal that Lipsey is in the dog house but Kim and The Glands, who are worser offenders (for God’s sake, The Glands called #2, then a minor, an alcoholic, on television), are not. That’s right, says Lipsey, she feels held to a higher standard than those bitches. Which: she should be! In what universe other than Bravo Universe would those three occupy the same category? Erika says that Yo texted to ask if she could bail on the dinner because she had expended all her energy on Kim and The Glands, Erika said it was fine, the end. Lipsey then asks how she felt about that dinner party after all, and Erika says it sucked, thanks! And off they go to the terrace for a toast, Kyle not having made a single peep to shut this shitshow down.

Next time: camels, walruses, and hookahs, oh my! And it’s Lipsey and Eileen against the mean girls.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

“We Should Be Honest About That” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 16 Recap

As we continue to experience Much Ado About Lyme Disease, our fearless journeywoman Yo FaceTimes her favorite child, the lovely Gigi, to check in on her most recent modeling experience. Who is this tiny person escorting Yo down the aisle in the wedding photo in the background?

Is that Paul Williams, who I remember well from his many appearances on The Love Boat?

via

Very peculiar. Anyway, Yo is still largely confined to the YoCondo, but she’s venturing out to New York in two weeks to give a big speech at some Global Lyme event, and she hasn’t written her speech. GHDF doesn’t know why she doesn’t give the one she gave the last time, but times have changed and she needs to update using her one unscrambled brain cell. I, too, am operating on one unscrambled brain cell these days so I feel her plight. Anyway, all “the girls” are invited, so we’re at least getting out onto one slightly interesting Housewives Field Trip this season.

Meanwhile, Kathryn has realizes she’s shouting at people and is getting hearing aids. She is immoderately excited about this, as is Mr. Kathryn who is hoping she’ll dial it down now. Kathryn realizes she needs to apologize for being so loud and obnoxious at the Girardis’ recent dinner and blames her deafness. I think the solo pre-party she seems to have had before leaving the house may also have played a role. Kathryn looks entirely too much like another loud, brassy Housewife prone to throwing legs for my personal taste.

IMG_2623.JPG

Camille Grammer is having a jewelry fundraiser for endometrial cancer at the fabulous Chateau Camille which she has still been unable to unload. Yo has gotten up and out for this affair because she “shares a journey” with Camille, who as we recall was treated for endometrial cancer a few years ago and got into a nasty physical fight with her “Greek god” boyfriend in the middle of it all. Camille is showing a lotta skin and her still tight Barbie physique tonight. Yo is looking alarmingly House of Cards.

So of course all the other women are invited and Lipsey is uncomfortable being around Yo, who she doesn’t trust, whereas Kathryn is so comfortable with Lady Pump that she’s taken to calling her new friend “Pumpy”. Lady Pump sure does look like she’s pumped something up.
My lands!

So at the party they all end up in a corner nibbling out of Chinese takeout boxes, and Yo picks up a bad vibe from Lipsey using her newfound, Lyme-bestowed Spidey sense and confronts her. Lipsey gets all whimpery that she saw Kimmy Richards’ photo of herself and The Glands and Yo from brunch the day of the night that Yo bailed on the Girardis dinner party and is upset. Yo snaps back that she went to a belated birthday lunch with her much more devoted friends, and then ran out of gas and that’s that. Which seems fair enough to me, but Lipsey keeps whining about Kimmy hashtagging the photo with “#realfriends”, to which Yo responds that she didn’t post the photo so don’t blame her for the hashtags.

Apparently what we are experiencing here are “trust issues” between Lipsey and Yo, who really doesn’t appear to give a shit or so much as a single lemon. Lipsey is frustrated; she felt this was her one chance to address the recluse, and surprise, surprise, you can’t speak your mind with anyone who is sick. Yo, Lipsey declares, can “get away with anything”. Anything? Hmm. Lady Pump puts an end to this silliness by pointing out that Erika doesn’t care so why should Lipsey? Lipsey continues to pout that “something false” is going on.

Well, enough about that, everyone goes home and the next night or some other time Rumbly Mauricio convenes a dinner al fresco at the Malibu Cafe to thank everyone for coming out to help at his Habitat build. Everyone but Yo and Eileen are there, and Kyle is super excited to invite them all on a “girls trip” to Dubai, from which Mauricio has just returned. Yay, let’s go to Dubai, where we will have our passports retained upon arrival and can vacation under constant surveillance and in fear of accidentally breaching the moral code.

Did you know Lady Pump loves dogs? She does. She LOVES DOGS. And she’s very upset that there’s a city in China where they eat dogs at an annual festival, so she’s going to host a protest. And she’s getting a little ticked off because everyone is bailing on showing up, specifically Eileen, who wants to enjoy a “day off” for a change. Lady Pump snarks that she, too, would like a day off. However, I think Eileen lives a lot further away from the protest site so maybe she could be slightly more understanding. The whole thing devolves into a bunch of bickering about whether or not Lady Pump is manipulative and whether or not Yo called Lipsey “bipolar” and whether Eileen’s direction to Yo and Lipsey to “hug it out” was premature. This is basically all the squabbling I’ve skipped the past few weeks so I really don’t get it or care. The dinner ends with Lady Pump and Kyle telling Lipsey she’s a “follower”, whereas they LEAD. And Kyle is going to lead them all to Dubai, kids!

Protest time!

Lipsey, Kathryn, and Kyle come and they march straight down Wilshire Boulevard on a Sunday morning when absolutely not a soul is around, and accidentally stage their protest in front of a church before realizing the Chinese embassy is on the next block. I thought this was “Kyle’s town”; doesn’t she know where she is? And does she know she’s looking just like Morticia Addams?
An unfortunate soul hoists Lady Pump onto his shoulders so she can shout through a bullhorn and he looks like he’s being crushed. Dogs are saved, we hope.

Enough of that, it’s time to go to New York! Mr. Girardi is going to jet them there on his way somewhere else, so with that opportunity you know Kyle isn’t gonna miss it. Nor is Kathryn, who really barely knows Yo but she’s coming anyway. She apologizes to Mr. Girardi for being obnoxious and drunk at his dinner party and he waves her off and goes and sits someplace else.

Meanwhile, the outcasts Lipsey and Eileen meet up at a luggage store to whisper about the Mean Girls. They are excited and terrified to be going to Dubai, and it’s unclear whether it’s all about the culture, or at least partly about their companions. Eileen thinks she and Lady Pump just “don’t get each other” (you don’t say!), whereas Lipsey feels invisible. Eileen says she has no balls and Lipsey agrees. She’s plain intimidated, and feels like the scapegoat. This trip is gonna be GREAT!

They’ve arrived in New York and the Fosters are at least pretending to be staying in the “Martin Katz Suite” of the Lotte Hotel. Yo propels GHDF down the stairs to perform his remaining marital duties at a cocktail party to receive the people who have come to celebrate Yo at her Lyme event. She needs to get new bras now that she’s removed the enhancements.

In an enchanting display of marital unity, Yo takes to the baby grand to pluck out “Frere Jacques” before her overwhelmingly talented and genius husband chimes in and takes it up a level. They are just so charming and perfect, the Fosters!  A hooker, a transvestite, and a gnome stroll down the hallway to join them.

This hallway may look ordinary, but behind that door there is some MAGIC. Yes, jeweler Martin Katz has installed various of his more extravagant pieces in aquariums and the like throughout the suite, and guests can just phone up room service to purchase! Ta da!

Because Yo has been “locked up” indoors for so long, she wants to go out to the terrace to ooh and ahh at the skyline. It is indeed magnificent. GHDF toasts that he’s so happy his wife is out of her ratty bathrobe after 10 months. Health Advocate Daisy weeps. Yo toasts to friendship, to survival, and to GHDF for sticking it out. Actions speak louder than words, she declares, but two seconds later the words speak pretty loudly when GHDF is caught just off camera telling a friend that while it may look like he and Yo are back to where they started their relationship, how are they actually going to make that happen? And of course we know how that turned out.

Next time: we’re going to Dubai, kids! Well, all of us except Yo, who is going to hang out with her #realfriends.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

“Let’s Go To SUR!” “Let’s Not!” 🍹 Pump Rules Season 4 Finale Recap

It’s over already?!

I think the last time I watched VPR was when Jax was on the crapper, on camera. After that travels and life and the need for sleep overcame my commitment to stay up till all hours watching this sordid mess. Did I miss anything? Well, apparently I missed the descent into felonious activities in Hawaii, several peculiar choices of swimwear, and Horschak and K1 re-infecting each other with communicable itch. So, not much. 

Jax returns home from a return trip to Hawaii, where during a 20-minute layover he got his sunglass-stealing charges knocked down from a felony to a misdemeanor with probation attached. He has not slept, has not changed his underwear or his bra, there’s construction in the area, and he takes all this out on poor, underage BritNee who has too much stuff in the closet and has failed to secure them new living quarters in the last 24 hours. Jax is mean. He needs to be getting something out of this relationship. He hasn’t felt peace since prison. Was that peace he felt in prison? It could have been anything, this being Jax. BritNee needs to RUN.

Jax heads off to SUR where we basically catch up on everything I missed: Horshack hasn’t been drinking for two weeks; ShayNaché and Ariana are not BFFs; K1 called BlahBlah a “ratchet whore”, whatever that is, and despite BlahBlah’s like-o-meter descending as precipitously as her makeup coverage accumulates, she’s still somehow invited to the 2’s upcoming “lace and linen” themed engagement party. Lady Pump strolls in and demands to know of Jax how his court deal went. He tells her, she snips at him for not taking the whole thing more seriously, he yells and her and rolls his eyes. BritNee’s not the only chick he can’t be bothered with.

The 2’s are planning their engagement party for where else? Yes, the Palais du Pump, of course. Lady Pump says it’s okay so long as it’s in the side yard, down the hill, between where they store the trash cans and the manure pile. The 2’s are DIYing this leather and lace shitshow and forgot to provide any shade at all, so Lady Pump begrudgingly permits usage of her patio umbrellas.

The whole gang’s invited! Including BlahBlah! But not including K1 or Lady Hitler, who are BFFs again (I guess I missed Lady Hitler Returns, too) and who are going to crash.

The theme results in some truly hideous getups. Here’s BritNee and her new flotation devices in a special romper from the Blanche Deveraux for Ross collection:

This is K2’s grandma:  T2 has changed out of his nautical stripes into a ratty t-shirt. Is that a candy necklace?  

And, here comes BlahBlah, with Mary J. Blige.

BlahBlah has consumed 14 mimosas by her own count in anticipation. She’s loaded for bear.

The guests play cornhole and someone tends an inferno on a grill out of DeliveranceT1 fans himself delicately while Ariana blows bubbles.

The crashers arrive and are greeted warmly by T2 and his candy necklace. He’s pretending K1 doesn’t smell.

Lady Pump is not convinced. Holy hell, what is K2 wearing? And why do all the girls have the same hairdo my sister and our family Maltese wore daily circa 1982?

Jax was also apprised of a nautical theme. Ahoy, man bunster!   

The crashers take the stage to give a long-winded, pointless speech about how boring the 2s are which makes them perfectly suited for each other. BlahBlah gets bored and starts heckling.   

So that’s about that and off they go to SUR so they can all get even more poleaxed and T1 can subject them to a musical “performance”. They all roll in and Ariana and ShayNaché sit down for a wine summit about how ShayNaché has been talking about Ariana behind her back with anyone who will listen. Why does she need to be popular and friends with everyone? ShayNaché crumples into a puddle of crocodile tears scaled to her Gremlin eyes. She really not friends with the Ks or Lady Hitler after all, and she needs Ariana back. Can they be BFFs again? And, scene.

So everyone’s slagging and snogging and electric sliding to the musical stylings of besuited T1 and getting along great. Well, mostly. Horshack is still not befuggered, at least not on alcohol. He’s smoked three joints and eaten a whole baking dish of pot brownies instead. BlahBlah is off her pickle, even more than K1, who she confronts about having called her a “ratchet whore” with a whole lot of finger wagging and even a shove. But that goes nowhere, so Horshack shouts at K1 a string of profanity and tries to bait Jax into punching him which also doesn’t happen. So Horshack and BlahBlah stagger off into the sunset, alone and mutually steampigged.

After taking a nice, deep breath of unpolluted oxygen, Lady Pump takes a moment with Jax to tell him she thinks he and Lady Hitler were meant for each other. He furtively checks to make sure BritNee didn’t hear that and strolls over to make nice with his “last healthy relationship” partner. What has Lady Hitler done to her lips?

They did not used to look like that.

Anyway, let the reminiscing begin. These two started this group, you guys! They have such memories! And they no longer give a shit about each other so why not be cordial. Jax wants to know why Lady Hitler came back; his theory is she got dumped by her perfect, adult boyfriend and needed to “crawl back in” due to lack of other options. Lady Hitler is conspicuously silent. Jax leaves it at that and takes BritNee home, nicely. Lady Hitler returns to the Ks and says she doesn’t want to just be back for the party. She wants to be back to resume her position as head bitch in charge, you guys.

And so that’s that. I don’t think I missed much, and no doubt next season will be more of the same even if this episode sounded tied up in a neat little bow like the finale of Happy Days. ‘Til then, this one’s for you tonight.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

“That Orangutan” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 10 Recap

After a goodly amount of time spent raising much-needed cash for my kids’ schools the last week plus, I’m back to wasting brain cells on the trivial issues of a bunch of humorless, overindulged nitwits on the west coast. Last week Eileen schmaltzily dumped her dear deceased sister’s ashes off a balcony and down the side of a cliff (and possibly down the shirt of one or two passersby below); Lady Pump spilled the beans that Mo Hadid says #2 and Anwar are perfectly healthy, at least as far as he knows; and Kathryn and The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, who is about to get a new nickname, had their first face-to-orange-face encounter despite their lives being inextricably entwined 20+ years ago when OJ first brought us the Kardashians. So much to thank him for.

At the Palais du Pump, Kyle is swinging over to collect Lady Pump for a field trip to plan their mutual anniversary party, but not before Lady Pump is going to snap her head off for inviting That Orangutan to the not-the-least-bit-casual catered event involving some grilled foods Kyle tried to pass off as a “barbecue” last week. Barbecues involve children, dogs, and husbands manning the grill. This was basically a She-show all about seeing what each other was wearing and not eating. Not a BBQ. Anyway, Kyle fully intends to invite That Orangutan to the anny party, so Lady Pump demands to know how Kyle’s gonna feel when Lady Pump invites “Witchypoo” to the party, too. Who is Witchypoo? Oh, that Carlton person from several seasons ago?

via

Not THAT Carlton. This one:

via

Gawd, I’d forgotten how truly ghastly that woman looks. I can’t wait for her to show up so we can compare her rock-hard tatas and collapsing face to Lipsey, who is holding up so much better and I think might actually be older.

Anyway, off they go, bickering all the way, to check out an old hotel as a possible site for their shared “Moulin Rouge”-style dual anniversary party (the Umanskys’ 20th; the Pumps’ 33rd). Because nothing says Marital Bliss Forever like absinthe and premature death crossed with over-the-hill bags dolled up in trashy rental costumes. Free your Lady Marmalade!

Speaking of trashy costumes, Erika Girardi visits Yo in the ‘Bu and they go for a walk. Per Yo, this is her first walk, her first venture OUTSIDE, since she became ill. Or at least since three episodes ago when Erika and Yo walked ten feet with Kyle in a park. Yo is ALIVE, y’all, and ready to shout it from the rooftops like she’s in a James Cameron movie. Are her explanted boobs being intentionally blurred out? This is more than just weak cell phone shots of my TV here.

They walk, they sit, their butts get wet, and Erika silkily spills the beans that after Yo left the Not-B-Q last week, “someone” whose name might rhyme with Dump – OKAY, it was Lady Pump! – said that #2 and Anwar don’t have Lyme Disease. Yo is shocked. Erika helpfully loops Kyle into this mess, and more helpfully fails to clarify that Lady Pump was answering someone’s question what #2 and Anwar’s dad Mo has to say about them having Lyme. (And whether Mo is outright disputing Yo’s claim of diagnosis or just hasn’t spoken of it is also rather relevant.) Yo announces that rather than talking about her peculiar illness, these bitches ought to be out there waiting on her hand and foot like Florence Nightingale. I think expecting any friend to empty your bedpan is a wee bit beyond reasonable. Also, why didn’t Erika’s makeup gay do something about the mascara smudged all over her lids?
Yo, of course, is not wearing any. Makeup is toxic, and takes away from the I’M SICK effect.

Later, Lipsey swings out to Pasadena to check out the GirardiDome and consult on how exactly to get back into the grace of Yo, who she has offended by “engaging in chatter” about Munchausen’s Syndrome. Best dressed BH ‘Wife, for sure.
You just cannot go wrong in DVF and Erika Girardi might want to think about that because she’s wearing a leopard print jumpsuit from Boston Proper and and I do not have the faintest idea why.

No excuse. I just think Erika could do better by our eyeballs. We deserve better.

Erika takes Lipsey on a house tour and Lipsey oohs and ahhs at the “old money done right” vibe. I think it looks like a hotel, personally, with the exception of The Chapel.

Oh, and also the neon nudie portraits of Erika in most every room. I’d call this all “new money spent widely”. But whatever, at least it’s furnished, unlike some of the living arrangements we’ve seen on many a Housewife franchise. Lipsey thinks Lady Pump’s house looks like a “disco” by comparison which is not exactly accurate, except to the extent that Lady Pump’s house looks like a lot more FUN.

Erika escorts Lipsey to the patio/lanai/veranda/promenade with its new Cost Plus throw pillows on the outdoor couch, and presents a vast buffet that goes untouched as Lipsey nervously makes her case about how she got Munch’ed. Lipsey correctly points out that Yo puts information and images out there, and people respond and react. (Yes.) And that someone – who goes unidentified but I suspect WHO that someone is might be a very crucial and controversial detail – reacted by starting a conversation with Lipsey along the lines that maybe Yo isn’t sick, maybe it’s Munchausen’s, and Lipsey “engaged” in that conversation/speculation. And now she’s turribly turribly contrite. Erika tells Lipsey to just tell Yo that and she’ll be forgiven. And they all just need to “get over it”, because there’s no point in belaboring the Yognosis any further. Whether the underlying problem is leaky bags of rubbery plastic or nibbly ticks, something has got her.

So off Lipsey goes to her next stop on the Lipsey Rinna Apology Tour, the YoCondo. Yo greets Lipsey, bearing the gift of George Clooney’s fancy tequila (which they all drank at the cocktail gathering after the Hero Dogs excursion, too – are we placing a product? And just how does Lady Pump feel about that?) which Yo instantly declines. She is too sick for tequila shots, thank you. Also, it’s before noon.

So they sit with coffee in Yo’s kitchen, and Lipsey starts going down the same explanatory route she did with Erika about how it all started with the selfies Yo posts on Instagram all day every day. “And why do you think I do that?” snaps Yo, before going into some ramble about ‘Hollywood’ friends as opposed to what one assumes are ‘real’ friends, and I don’t really know what the point she’s making here is meant to be unless it’s along the lines of Lipsey deciding which one she’s gonna be. I feel like a lot of this conversation got edited out, but eventually Lipsey makes her profuse apology with a whole lotta acknowledgments of her flaws, which earns her a snap that she should “stop judging until she’s perfect”. Funnily enough, I do feel I know a Dutch gal who does a fair amount of judging herself. But she’s, as we know, a smart, powerful woman. Just ask her.

Let’s move on to the Anny Party! As inappropriate as I think it is for 45+ year old women to be frolicking in fancy underpants in mixed company, it seems even more so for a 45 year old MOM to be asking her 1st grader how she looks in her getup. But Lil’ Portia is Kyle’s second best accessory (after her hair, of course).

Some looks were more successful than others. The Pumps somehow managed to end up looking like The Ostrich and The Penguin.  

Erika just looked like she does on Thursdays. This is the weirdest vehicle. What’s with the scalloped second row jump seat that Kathryn’s husband is all squnched up in? Also, I am having a hard time believing he’s in his mid-30s. I don’t think he grows facial hair yet.

Lipsey looked HAWT and babe-a-licious, but how can she not with that body? That ain’t just yoga.

via

Tay Armstrong, however, looked like death warmed over. A poor choice since we all already associate her with death and I think she wants us to forget all that. Also, why is she here? 

So this celebration of marital bliss involves Camille performing her weird strip club dance moves, lots of boobies nearly escaping their containment systems, and many, many splits from Kyle.

via

At least it does not involve So Morgan’s bruised ass.

Eventually, That Orangutan shows up. Lady Pump greets her frostily, but politely. Soon after Lady Pump and Kyle take a break on a weird couch to catch their breaths and pop a Geritol, and Kyle pats Lady Pump on the back for being nice enough to That Orangutan. Kathryn, who is sitting on the other end of this bench, breaks in and pipes up that she doesn’t see why ANYONE has to be nicer to That Orangutan than That Orangutan was to anyone else in capitalizing on tragedy and destroying relationships for self-promotional purposes.

Kyle, is, as always, aghast, and as there’s really nothing she can say to defend Faye or controvert any of Kathryn’s assertions, she resorts to getting mad at Lady Pump for failing to back her up. She thinks Kathryn was rude at Kyle’s own party and Lady Pump should have forced her to behave. Lady Pump sniffs and tells Kyle she’s a big girl, if she wants to hang with deeply polarizing bitches then she can deal with the consequences. Kyle gets all threatening about how the last time Lady Pump liked a new girl more than Kyle she got all Glandzed and we know how that turned out. Child, please. Not the same.

Next time: Erika brings everyone to her “show” in San Diego, where The Yo Strikes Back.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

“I Just Came For The Hero Dogs” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 8 Recap

Still on our Hamptons road trip, and it’s time to visit Kyle’s “pop-up” store, via which she is going to see whether a NYC outpost of Kaftans R’ Us is a realistic possibility. I don’t think she needed to go to all this trouble, especially as her selection of merchandise, at a glance, appears to be just a notch or two above the t-shirt shop on the boardwalk where the Jersey Shore kids “worked”. I think words and slogans are not an especially NYC thing. I do like the green awning, however, which I suspect was per Chamber of Commerce instructions.

Queen B is also here to do a book signing, and the Chamber is very concerned about keeping the multitude at bay. They need not worry. Limoing along to the event are Lipsey, Erica, and Eileen, who is still fretting about this weird conversation with Lady Pump that is getting weirder and more awkward the more we dwell upon and revisit it. Erica thinks Lady Pump has put Eileen “over a barrel” (or headfirst into one) and that maybe Eileen needs to step back and decide how she wants to react to this rather than roll down the hill. I LOVE ERICA. Meanwhile, Kyle is advising the Queen that she may have been a bit rude and over the top in offering her unsolicited critique of Erica’s music video. Ya think? The Queen is bewildered, as she always is when called on her shit.

The limo arrives. Lipsey, whose pink peasant dress is my favorite OOTD (the Old Navy version in my closet just falls short somehow…) immediately finds a giant blue Birkin-style bag emblazoned with the words BEACH BIRKIN. See, that’s not gonna fly. Erica is magnetically drawn to the Target-looking Daisy Dukes, as is the Queen, who I guess attempts to make her version of an apology, telling Erica she hears she may not have come off well the previous night.

IMG_2421.JPG

“I’m a big girl, it’s fine,” Erica replies, brushing her off. The Queen keeps babbling about branding and going for it and blah blah, and advises Erica, who gives no fucks, that she in fact thinks Erica SHOULD go for it.

To which Erica responds:

#TeamErica!

Kyle’s aunt and cousin arrive with disgraced former Subway mascot Jared:

Kyle is thrilled to see them because her aunt brings her back to her late mother, and, of course, no one else in the family is speaking to her. This aunt is clearly on the non-Hilton side of things, judging by the highlights and butterfly clip.
Just very regular, that’s all. Aunt Jane brings Kyle to tears with a framed old family photo, and asks to know how to connect with Kim. Aunt Jane believes she is the only person who can get through to her and she has to see her. Kyle has no idea how to make that operation happen, but whatever, nothing else works so it’s worth a shot.

Meanwhile, Queen B and Lipsey in the OOTD are over on the other side of the room gossiping about The Kim Crisis. Of course, only Lipsey and the BHers are gossiping. The Queen, who is driving this conversational bus into the dark alleys and hidden corners, is exempt from accusations of gossip where The Kim Crisis is concerned. Once again, our Lipsey’s big fat mouth is out to get her. She seems like a fun girlfriend but she’s not very canny. Lipsey blurts out that she feels responsible for the mess with Kim because she held up a mirror to her behavior, and she feels further upset because she can’t talk to Kyle about it. (What does that mean? Is she looking for Kyle to tell her it’s not her fault?) Just then Kyle walks up, and everyone gets skeered. Queen B gives Kyle some bizarre, contrived explanation of yes they were talking about Kim, but it’s really about Lipsey so it’s not gossip per your definition so it’s okay. I think. Kyle has had it. The subject of Kim always comes up (how can it not, when she’s getting arrested every other day) and why can’t everyone be talking about the kaftans? We are here for the kaftans, people!

Back they all go to what I think is a new rental house where they are all staying. I think. They are going to have a lobster boil. The Pumps are on hand and Mr. Lisa demands a padded cushion for the Gigster’s bare little bottom. I can’t say I think Giggy would do well on a hard woven seat, but why is he at the table, anyway? Lady Pump asks Eileen if they are okay after their followup convo about the convo that Eileen wishes they did not have, and here we go again, this time with Mr. Lisa irritated and inserting himself. Progress is not made. Erica and I need another drink.

Erica asks if she can ask some questions about the stuff these broads bitch about that predates her, because she doesn’t actually watch the show. What’s the deal with The Glands? Kyle and Lady Pump both give their side of how dirty and nasty The Glands is, and Erica privately declares them “obsessed”. She also vaguely addresses Kim’s situation, not asking per se but offering that she, too, has had to deal with tragically addicted relatives and she knows how painful it is. It’s difficult for all of us, says Lipsey, particularly for Lipsey herself. Oh, maybe also for Kyle. And KIM. But no, for Lipsey it is particularly bad, because she feels Kim’s behavior is “gross”, and has affected her deeply.

Lady Pump demands to know what strategy Kyle can deploy to be “less tortured” by Kim. Christ. Kyle is fed up with the fact that everyone in the world knows her shit which is a nice cover for everyone else to hide behind, namely a certain person with the initials LVP, and changes the subject. What keeps Lady Pump up at night? Not a lot, The Lady replies. She’s doing just fine, thanks. Erica laughs out loud at how Lady Pump can get everyone else to spill their beans and she keeps hers nicely clenched between her British buttocks. This is when Eileen decides to pipe up and present an afterschool special on her experience with domestic violence. This was supposed to air during the Amsterdam dinner party when Yo offered the dinner party conversation prompt of “tell us something we don’t know about you”, but that got derailed by Lipsey throwing a glass at Kim so we never got to it. (To be clear: I am entirely empathetic with Eileen’s story and her message. It’s the engineered placement of this life lesson that I am rolling my eyes at.)

So that’s that. The next day, Erica puts on her hammer pants and jets off on Girardi Air to collect Yo, who appears to be wearing a Members Only straitjacket.

GHDF has left her to be with Andrea Bocelli and the Pope or whatever, but he was an excellent nurse and left Yo in capable hands that are, oddly, not those of Health Advocate Daisy. I feel much better without Health Advocate Daisy around. On board, Yo shares photos of her icky implants and tells Erica that of all 9000 explant surgeries her World Class Expert Surgeon Dr. Fung has done, her case was, of course, THE WORST. Ever. Yo has suffered, greatly. “People”, even of her own family has doubted her, and Yo pities the fools for their lack of empathy. This is foreshadowing, kids.

Home again home again, jiggity jig. Kyle is having The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick over to collaborate on a closet remodel and so we can get a good look at how Faye pairs a tie-dye maxi with t-strap executive living pumps and a fake, slogan-free Birkin all in a shade of poo that is matchy-matchy-matchy with her hair and skin tone. One of my friends observed that Faye looks like a baseball glove with lipstick. That’s about right. They talk about Kim. Bluuuurp. This is not about Kim, and we know it.

No, this is about OJ, and we’ll get to that in a minute. Lady Pump is hosting the Hot Dog Awards – no! excuse me! the HERO DOG Awards – at PUMP, in which an assortment of small, useless dogs are going to be honored for their alleged heroics. Vanderpump Pets is a sponsor per the step-and-repeat; what is that enterprise about? All the ‘Wives and then some are here, including Camille!  The bystanders don’t even bother to conceal their curiosity, openly staring, unlike the Hamptonites who were trying to Be Kool, as the Kountess likes to say. Don’t be, like, unKool.

And who else just HAPPENS to saunter up to the bar for an iced tea and COINCIDENTALLY, unexpectedly join the cast in so doing, but this gal, who gives Lipsey a wink and the signal that it’s time to start:  This is Kathryn Edwards, former model, old acquaintance of Lipsey, and, not so coincidentally, the former wife of football great and OJ bestie Marcus Allen upon whom The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick claimed Marcus cheated with Nicole Brown Simpson, begetting the OJ bloodbath, in her dubious and much-discussed memoir. {Deep cleansing breath.} And that was the least subtle “spontaneous” introduction of a new Housewife, ever.

“KATHRYN! WHAT A SURPRISE!” shouts Lipsey. Look, Eileen, it’s the new Housewife! Lipsey immediately launches into a toilet-circling monologue about how they met before she gives up and says “dammit, it’s really OJ. That’s what it is.” Kathryn is not particularly interested in being drawn into that just yet and leads the discussion over to Marcus Allen, who Eileen apparently once dated, and how he’s “such a good guy”, yet no longer her husband. She has a new, younger, much better thank you football player husband now. Lady Pump strolls up with a Hero Dog in her armpit to be introduced. How exactly did this new specimen get here? Oh, Kathryn just happens to be here for the Hero Dogs. Of course you are.

They are all seated on the sweltering PUMP patio and Kyle realizes this is her cue to drag her unsuspecting and Morally Corrupt closet organizer under the bus when she sees Kathryn. Kathryn MUST know Faye? Even though, she acknowledges, Marcus Allen has always denied Faye’s accusation. That Faye is a Bad Woman.

It’s too hot and crowded on the patio to get all these broads in one shot, so they leave the staring masses and relocate to another bar, which Lady Pump follows along to despite it not being a Pump establishment. They all order tequila and Kyle gets down to business: do you know Faye, Kathryn? “Uh-uh. Nope. Never met her.” Kyle finds this fishy, and “aggressive”. Kathryn insists she never hung out with “that group” and was only married to Marcus for a year before “the shit hit the fan” and the group disbanded. So no, she never met Faye. And the lips, which she insists have never been enhanced, get zipped. For NOW.

Next time: Mr. Lisa buys a sex shop. Eileen n’ Vinny go to Italy, and Eileen’s sister’s ashes go too. Mo is throwing Yo and her claims of Complete Hadid Lyme Infestation under the bus. Oh: and Faye, meet Kathryn!

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | 1 Comment

“Don’t Do Anything Permanently Stupid” 🍹 Pump Rules Season 4 Episode 11 Recap

I have been neglecting Pump Rules lately, and for that I apologize. But clearly I have not missed much. The biggest development is that the 2’s got engaged and they are both delighted about it. So much so that they head out on a romantic, photogenic picnic to celebrate, shout to the treetops, etc. etc. 

What they did not do to celebrate is knock boots, apparently, because they both got annihilated. In fact, T2 awoke on his first full day as a betrothed man naked on the couch with taquitos burning in the oven. Better that than sitting up with a pot of Stove Top stuffing perched on his chest.

Anyway, guess who texted K2 congratulations when she heard the happy news? Yes, Lady Hitler! She’s back! T2 is not altogether at ease with this; things have been so much more relaxed and positive without her around. The 2s muse about how disconnected they are from her shitshow, and how much they just don’t care.

Meanwhile at SUR, BlahBlah is going around pretending to be a black urban youth again. She wears almost as much bronzer as John Boehner. So this season’s excuse for the bro’s to wear matching tank tops is going to be a “birthday” trip to Hawaii, and since it’s Jax’s 52nd birthday and not Lady Hitler’s, he’s calling the shots. And the shot he’s called is that Horshack is not allowed to go. I guess it’s also T1’s birthday because K1 isn’t allowed to go, either, even though Jax would like to include her, so he’s inviting her to his pre-trip birthday lunch instead.

Ariana could not care less if K1 is going to be at this lunch, but that’s not gonna stop ShayNaché from showing her asshole by getting all passive-aggressive with her alleged BFF about not liking K1. Ariana insists she wants nothing to do with this situation, but ShayNaché keeps pushing that Ariana not liking K1 is making things hard for HER, and then tells us that she’s feeling so much closer to K2, who is tolerant of K1, because of it, which she is absolutely sure must threaten Ariana. Because much like Mr. Shay’s “pill problem” (which, in retrospect, feels an awful lot like something from an early episode of Facts of Life), it’s ALL ABOUT SHAYNACHÉ. Ariana is like, girl, you guys can all have each other and leave me out of it.

Lady Pump swings by the bar to warn her favorite SURtenders that Lady Hitler is back on the prowl and is under no circumstances to be permitted onto the premises and must be redirected to Lady Pump herself to handle. The SURtenders are like, sweet, because Lady Hitler is a crappy tipper. Lady Pump is furious that Lady Hitler was so derogatory, disloyal, and dismissive, after “all” Lady Pump did for her. “All” of which goes unspecified, but as Lady Hitler outed herself in an attention-seeking move at the end of season 3 we know Lady Pump paid off an ex-boyfriend who was trying to sell a home video of Lady Hitler in a solo performance.

OHMIWORD IT’S MAX!

Max is here! So glad he’s turned up okay, I was worrying. Max visits Horshack in the smelly alley to discuss Horshack’s plot to get himself invited onto this Hawaii trip after all, which, to sum it up for all the attention worth paying to it, works.

The rejected half of the K’s visits the remaining active K to check out the incredible brown ring T2 gave to K2.

K1 brings wine, and cries. I want to cry too. For the brown ring, and because once again, K1 has NOT washed her hair.

God, she must smell like hell.

At SUR, Horshack begs Lady Pump to allow Max to go along on this trip to Hawaii. Horshack needs Max there to provide Horshack with “access” to BlahBlah’s nether regions. Lady Pump relents, probably because she’s got as good a sense of humor as the rest of us and can’t wait to see how this turns out.

BlahBlah, some chick named Faith, and ShayNaché go bikini shopping. ShayNaché, who is not going to try on suits, blathers about how she wants to renew her vows of about fifteen minutes in Hawaii so she can have another wedding! Yay! BlahBlah looks at a couple options and decides she’s found just the thing:ShayNaché suggests that the coupled-up ladies might not appreciate pasties and a thong. Also, Horshack might get ideas, which makes BlahBlah nervous as she does not want to knock boots with him, especially now that she’s checked out his pickle and it’s more like a cornichon. Who she really wants to knock boots with, ill-advisedly, is still JAX, having recently texted him “boy, come get in my bed” despite the fact that he has this inconvenient teenage girlfriend, Brittany. ShayNaché sternly advises her not to disrespect the magic that Jax and Brittany are making together, and BlahBlah vows to “take a note from the frigid bitches” and act like a lady.

Speaking of the magic between Jax and Brittany, it’s so magical that he has no qualms whatsoever about taking a dump with the door open, cameras rolling and all.

And Brittany unhesitatingly continues to unpack her stuff into the closet and chitchat with Jax about whether or not he invited BlahBlah to Hawaii (which he says he didn’t, but of course he did) while Jax wipes.

Those two lovebirds are meant to be. I can feel it.

So just as soon as Horshack got Lady Pump to sign off on Max’s permission slip for the Season 4 field trip, someone Max got involved in a mysterious fainting spell that resulted in him shoving his teeth through his lip and leaving them in a block of wood, and now he might not going to be able to go to Hawaii after all. ShayNaché is all too happy to tell everyone at Jax’s birthday lunch how this happened, strictly so she can bark at Mr. Shay not to get any ideas about begging for Max’s pain meds. Everyone rolls their eyes. I give this relationship a week past the end of filming.

So while lunch is underway, Horshack, BlahBlah, and Faith visit Max at Villa Rosa for a spot of tea.

And after tea, to take off all their clothes and go for a dip in their bosses’ pool in their underpants.

Topless.

I have half a mind to make my children watch this episode of Pump Rules as a cautionary tale. Not that they are going to be heading out onto reality television if I have anything to say about it, but to make the point that sharing sketchy behavior on social media can be one’s own version of being seen by the world pooping on the potty and running around naked at your employer’s home. It will live on, and not be soon forgotten.

At the birthday lunch, K1 corners T1 in the alley, smoking, to try to AGAIN review their relationship or lack thereof. K1 tries really, really hard to make T1 give a shit, claiming she wants things to be “normal” between them but he does not want normal, he wants silence. Meanwhile, ShayNaché and K2 corner Ariana in the bar trying to make an issue out of how she doesn’t like K1 and her not wanting to hang with her boyfriend’s psycho ex-girlfriend is really just so mean to them! ShayNaché even tells Ariana that her own mother had called with concerns about how Ariana is just so unhappy and what can The Miracle Worker, ShayNaché, do to help? That’s when Ariana realizes she is trapped into going to Hawaii “with assholes”.

It’s time for the field trip, y’all! Everyone meets up at LAX to be cool and make public scenes like this:

URP.

It seems Max was able to push his doctor’s visit back a few days so he got to come after all, fat lips and everything! ShayNaché, who as the old married lady fancies herself everyone’s mother, gets all bossy with him about how he needs to mind his behaviors. She’s really very annoying, isn’t she? Anyway, away they go and this is gonna be a rager, kids!

Next time: we’re in Hawaii, where Jax is going to get arrested for basically being a dumbshit as usual, which is offense enough. And I’m sure we’re gonna see those pasties again.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

“Here’s to Soft Porn” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 7 Recap

Back to the Hamptons with most of our ‘Wives, where they are giving up on the lame Bella launch party in favor of dinner, like these gals eat. Not eating tonight, either; no, we will be sniping, specifically with Lady Pump laying into Eileen about how she and Vinny wrecked both their marriages in getting together. This all begins casually enough with the Lisas tut-tutting about a non-Housewife they know who is embroiled in what’s become a vicious, angry divorce that neither Lisa saw coming (hmm: could they possibly be talking about a certain New York housewife they both know who they will be having social plans with later? Just a thought.). Eileen cannot understand how you can come to hate someone you shared a life with, even though we all know love and hate are a tight twosome. But Eileen is a divorce veteran, having ended marriage #1 after just six months and split with husband #2 upon meeting and falling for current husband (#3) Vinny onset of Y&R.

Lady Pump is fascinated and wants to know how the affair started, the exact timing of their first kiss, when they consummated the situation, when they abandoned their respective spouses, at what point could Eileen not fight this feeling any longer, etc. etc. Basically it’s everything we ALL want to know about this steamy situation, but Eileen firmly insists they both separated from their spouses when they realized something was afoot at the Circle K, and that nothing nefarious happened until they were legitimately free to engage.

Eileen is feeling terribly awkward answering all Lady Pump’s questions and regrets getting on this conversational jag. I think she’s just sorry this is being discussed on camera because that means the various tabloids who care enough to pick this apart could seek out both ex-spouses to confirm or deny the timeline and spill dirty beans on Eileen and/or Vinny (who I am sure could not care less, since he seems not to give a shit about much). Lady Pump is an inquisitor, we all know that; it’s what she does! It’s how she gets every SURver to spill the caca episode after episode, so what does Eileen expect? Lady Pump never repeats gossip, but she loves to Hoover it up, so if you’ve got a good story she’s gonna get it out of you. Eileen should have known better but apparently forgot her big-girl panties. Besides, we already went through all this shit last season and couldn’t have cared less then, either.

The horrible white party finally ends and the Pumps go back to their hotel room while Lipsey, Eileen, and Kyle retreat to the cottage, and in the morning Eileen performs lunges around the pool in her maillot in full view of cameras, passersby, local kayakers, and any neighbor with a pair of binocs.

She’s really gonna have to drop that knee if she wants any legitimate payoff from this grueling workout.

via GIPHY

Kyle phones up her best and most important ‘Wife, Queen B. Yes, it’s a RHONY crossover, kittycats! Aside from the all-Housewives-know-each-other-from-the-club relationship, Kyle and Beth go back 25 years, back to the days of Brooke Shields eyebrow grooming when Beth was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar and stomped up to Kyle, whose ex-boyfriend Beth was then dating, to demand why she would shell out so much for eye makeup remover Kyle then left in the boyfriend’s bathroom.

And with that, they were two halves of a BFF heart necklace ever more. (Of course we all know Beth was once Paris & Nicky’s nanny, later revised by Kyle to chauffeur, so if how Kathy Hilton recruits help is by picking up aggressive confrontational cocktail waitresses to take on her brood of little monsters in the making then I think we have now explained a lot of things across the board.) Anyway, Kyle’s making arrangements to hang with the Queen at some point in the day between winetasting and pop-up shop appearances, and the breeze is making her butt look a little boxy. A veritable elf with a shelf.

But before we can be social with the Queen we must wine-taste with the Lady, who the gals who escaped have to collect from the roadside motel where the Bella party took place (BTW, the Queen hasn’t heard of Bella magazine, either.) Eileen is skeered because she’s still feeling so sensitive about the Pumpterrogation of the night before; Lady Pump feels a bit “muzzy-headed” herself. But they all convene in the limo and off they go to picnic and taste some rosé.

Lipsey decides the thing to do is talk about Erika Girardi behind her behind, rather than allow Lady Pump to ask any more direct questions of the people seated in front of her. Lipsey is the one ‘Wife who has not yet met Erika Girardi, so her only knowledge of the woman is through Google and this is what she saw:

Yee gads! Boobies!

In Lipsey’s defense, if I was about to be vacationing with, much less meet, an individual who even owned a catsuit, much less had performed in one in a music video, much less writhed on a bed with a bevy of diverse sexual options real or fake, I too would have Googled that video up and gone all saucer-eyed at it. You would have, too, admit it. I’m not judgmental, I am fascinated. “Here’s to soft porn!” Lipsey toasts. Cha-ching! and off they go to wander among the vines, all but Kyle who forgot her epipen.

And thus Erika, who we were just talking about, arrives fresh from the Chicago Gay Pride Festival sponsored by Bud Light. Make note, ShayNaché: Erika’s gonna see your nebulous SUR gay pride parade performance and raise you a stage, professional backup dancers, a sound system, and a legitimate brand-name sponsor.

Lipsey scurries out to meet the actual Erika Girardi in the flesh (and so much of it) in the front hall so she can size things up. Why she’s a “cotton candy Chanel Vegas showgirl!” Lipsey declares. Sounds about right, one who apparently got padlocked by the neck to a keg and managed to escape.

Lipsey unhesitatingly informs Erika that she’d Googled her and yee-how! “Har har,” snorts Erika. And why should she be worked up that Lipsey Googled her; isn’t that sort of the point of the whole operation? Eileen points out the irony that a woman who has been in Playboy “many times” is speechless over Erika’s side gig, but, you know, how can you not be? Wait until they find out that Air Girardi is not just one little Cessna. There are far more interesting things about Erika Girardi than her catsuit, methinks.

Speaking of Air Girardi, after the weekend wraps up Erika is going to jet off to Ojai-O to collect Yo, minus the Yoplants. And speaking of that, Lady Pump phones the patient up as she recuperates in her Ojai-O hotel room, Nurse GHDF able at her side fiddling with the drains, to see how she’s doing and how pink are my flowers? She’s doing okay after such an intense surgery, although there are no pink flowers and GHDF pipes up that Mr. Lisa has bigger tatas than Yo now, a comment that I do believe was meant with affection and humor although I know he’s getting roasted for it on a spit now.

Kyle heads out early to have a private audience with Queen B while the daytime divas and Countess Catsuit detour to collect the Pumps at the shabby motel. Kyle pretends to be entirely thrilled by and not the least bit jealous of the Skinnycottage where ‘homeless’ Beth is nesting, black and white and red all over. Queen B’s minions chop and dice and garnish and sprinkle while the Queen teeters around on drag queen stilettos, bowlegged, attired in what appears to be a straitjacket and Chairman Mao pants, size 6X; in general she looks and acts like she has a turd in her pants she’s trying to conceal. Beth greets her old friend with bared fangs and a head lock. I forgot about her lob.

Beth immediately asks about Kimmy’s Target arrest and other wayward antics and because Queen B is a real friend and also an upper-tier Housewife Kyle willingly discusses the undiscussable and how powerless she feels to deal with Kim who doesn’t want help. And also, is nuttier than a Payday bar. Which she comes by honestly, as the Richards Sisters are apparently the progeny of a loonytunes eccentric cat lady who kept 96 diamond rings in a mayonnaise jar.

After a tour Kyle and Queen B settle in on the patio to talk about Erika Girardi, because everyone else is so boring. Kyle introduces the concept of this Housewife with an Alter Ego by introducing the Alter Ego first via Erika’s Instagram. At the moment (this moment, not the one on Bravo) what Erika has going on on Instagram is along the lines of this:

Screen Shot 2016-01-14 at 7.20.55 PM

along with kinky boots, private jets, etc., – you know, the standard operating procedure we’ve come to expect from Erika in the brief time we’ve known each other. “That’s a lotta work – a lotta upkeep,” remarks sassy B. I sniff a wee bit of jelly! Hey, where’s Cookie? Did she have to lock her up so she wouldn’t eat Giggy?

I’m glad because sure enough, when everyone else arrives and piles out of the limo, Mr. Lisa checks in the Lady, the Gigster tucked into in his left armpit as usual. I would not want anything unfortunate to befall our Giggy or our Mr. Lisa. Beth immediately sizes up Erika in person and declares that she “gives zero fucks”. That’s about right, and about awesome, because when is the last time we (or Beth) met anyone who gives zero fucks about Queen B? It’s happening, kittycats.

They sit to eat (scallops; isn’t Beth allergic to seafood?) and The Queen immediately launches into her usual “hilarious caustic New Yawker” banter with a special sprinkle of envious green bitchery over the top. First, when Erika makes a ladylike exit from Beth’s outhouse, Beth shouts that she’s “Bambi crossed with a hooker!” How nice. Then Beth tries to find common ground in their shared career path through cocktail waitressing. Erika gives Beth some Bea Arthur and sniffs that she herself was a particularly excellent cocktail waitress (clearly, as all that has followed launched from her excellency, really). That’s when Beth decides to give Erika a lecture in how to more effectively “sculpt her message” and “brand” herself around “empowerment”. Erika, who could not give a shit if she tried, raises one plucked brow in disdain. If that woman doesn’t OWN and radiate empowerment who does?

Someone else who is finding it may be about to become far too easy to give a shit is Lipsey, who realizes she’s about to pull an Al Roker and makes a hasty exit. Beth barely waves adios to her first departing guest, instead soldiering on through her expert review of Erika’s recent video as “too slow”, “low production value” (read: cheap looking), and “not quite avant garde”. Sounds like Beth wants to get in Nina Gahcia’s pocket. That’s when Lady Pump and Eileen intervene to side with Erika and defend her production value. Not that Erika could give a shit now, either; why would she want advice from some skinny bitch who makes margaritas? She’s not in Erika’s line of work, and Erika’s definitely not in hers. Nor would she want to be. Finally, Erika gives Beth an impromtu lesson in Sexy which causes Beth to split her pajama pants and the turd rolls loose. I knew it was in there the whole time. Beth having been unspeakably rude to her OWN dinner guest for an intolerable length of time, we’re done here.

The next morning, Lipsey (over the shits) further entertains the neighbors by performing yoga on the grass for all to see, before venturing in to get up to date with Eileen. Eileen has been feeling turribly turribly anxious ever since the white party because she’s just so uncomfortable with Lady Pump having pressed an issue that has been thoroughly dissected previously. Lipsey thinks she needs to tell Lady Pump flat out how she feels, because everyone values honesty and it will bring them closer. Riiiight.


Meanwhile Lady Pump has now turned to interrogating Erika, on their way from the no-tell motel (which was perfectly fine for Erika, who hasn’t got time or care to be flummoxed by much of anything) to collect the girls so they can embark on everyone’s dream day out: shopping for kaftans and seeing the Queen, AGAIN, to beg her to sign their books! Oh joy! Lady Pump wants to know everything – everything, dahling – about Erika and her marriage and sex life and what all else. Erika, unlike Eileen, is happy to answer all her questions, because she gives no fucks (especially not about Bethenny Frankel) and likes to tell it like it is, anyway. Plus she sees Lady Pump’s game for what it is: keeping the ducks she has appointed herself to lead all in a nice tidy row.

So when they get to the house, Eileen takes Lady Pump aside to whisper to her that she was feeling really turrible about being interrogated. “Oh darling!” cries Lady Pump. “I wouldn’t want to ask you anything that makes you feel uncomfortable!” She just thought they were sharing – tell her to shut up, for God’s sakes! Eileen agrees she will do so in the future, and privately points out that she thinks part of her discomfort is that Lady Pump asks a lot of questions but doesn’t share a lot herself. Well observed.

Next time: Erika gives no fucks about Beth, and the Queen don’t like it. Eileen shares some unpleasant facts about a past relationship, Yo is on the mend, and Lipsey introduces us to yet another new Housewife. Cheerio, toots!

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

Raisins with Pancakes 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 6 Recap

Another Housewives trip, this time to the Hamptons, which means the obligatory packing scene so we can check out the closets. And Kyle’s having some problems; (a) she wants to wear a pink dress to a white party, and (b) her closet is collapsing like a bad facelift. I relate to this.  

Kyle has got a pop-up Kaftan Shack operating in Southampton this summer, so she’s gonna see how that’s going and if it’s good, open up a Kaftans East in New York City. I just really don’t see how Kaftans By Kyle is going to translate to NYC, but maybe she can get the space next door to the DASH store and try for a spinoff which will get cancelled after one season.

While Kyle and Lil’ Portia (who with one hoop earring and her braids is looking very Aladdin’s Lamp to me) assess the destruction in the closet, Lipsey Rinna has already arrived in Philadelphia for this month’s QVC sale. Her usual Sheraton suite is ready, and so is Lipsey, armed with a canister of alcohol wipes to sanitize the shit out of that place. As I do not share her degree of OCD and further do not travel enough to really overthink it, it never would have occurred to me to speculate on prior hotel room activities until my sister, visiting Pittsburgh of all places, sent me a photo of the TV remote with a really icky intimate-hygiene-related sticker transposed onto it. I’m now thinking that Lipsey Rinna is a smart cookie.

Erika Jayne Girardi is touring the grounds of her five-acre, 17,000 square foot residential spread with her assistant who scribbles a honey-do list as Queenie barks commands. Erika is very pleased by how she klassed up this tired pile of rubble with nude self-portraits in every room. Erika Girardi will be swinging into the Hamptons after she pops off for an appearance at Gay Pride Chicago in her Erika Jayne persona, and she’s got her head bitch in charge up in the anteroom to help her select her wardrobes. He’s thinking the pink bondage catsuit with the thigh-high studded boots for Chicago, and the Alaia gladiator vag-venting skirt for the Hamptons. Excellent choices.

Lady Pump is also packing, because this whole Hamptons excursion is really All About Lisa, who is appearing on the cover of a magazine called Bella with the Gigster and the magazine is having a “white party” for her. (a) Aren’t white parties so Puff Daddy with the umbrella handler? (b) Is this another imaginary magazine that only exists to have people like So Morgan on the cover for Housewives purposes? This article confirms pretty much all my suspicions about these Housewives parties.

Anyway: Lady Pump is consulting with Mr. Lisa on her packing, naturally, when she suddenly realizes she’s five minutes past the hour when she was supposed to call Kyle and commiserate over Kimmy’s then-recent arrest at Target for attempting to shoplift thousands of dollars worth of merch, which for purposes of this broadcast has been redefined as $600 worth of toys intended to make Lil’ Portia really happy. So, she calls, and by this time Kyle is overwrought and can’t discuss it because Lil’ Portia is right there and will be crushed if she finds out Auntie Kim is not showing up with that promised haul of Bratz dolls after all. Foiled again!

Eileen is also packing while Vinny lounges on the bed and complains. Is this the master bedroom? It’s very elderly nothing to see here. Eileen asks Vinny to remove a price tag from a flowery Dacron old lady sack and he goes berserk that she paid $496 for it. $496! Eileen thinks it’s none of his business as they split the bills down the middle, she works and can buy her own $496 old lady sacks if she wants to, and besides, when does she question his betting habits? I think Vinny is worked up about her taste level, personally.

Yo is in ‘Bu ALSO packing, because she’s off to get her boobies removed in Ojai-O. Yo says her boobies ruptured when she fell on them 10 years ago, a statement that leaves me wanting so much more detail but none is offered. Interestingly, while her dear mama is not coming on this trip, GHDF is and so is Health Advocate Daisy. Health Advocate Daisy is a hovering presence, not unlike the relationship between the midget who runs Scientology and Tom Cruise. I am beginning to wonder whether we shouldn’t be speculating about Munchausen’s by proxy here when it comes to Health Advocate Daisy. If Yo miraculously heals, where does Health Advocate Daisy go to get a new gig? Craigslist?

Erika Girardi goes to The Palm in a remarkably un-subtle leopard dress to meet her husband for lunch and show off. She’s not going to make it to Lady Pump’s white party because of the gays, but she WILL ultimately stop in the Hamptons before swinging down to meet Mr. Girardi in Florida or somewhere easily accessed by “the small plane” (for regional travel, as opposed to “the big plane” for trans-continental and Europe). Erika is not like the rest of those Beverly Hills bitches; she eats cake. Also, she’s on a two-cheek air-kissing basis with the chief of police. Does the chief of police of every metropolis wear a regular patrol uniform? Apparently.

Yo has arrived in Ojai-O and heads off to be rendered, in her description, “a toothless, boobless, brainless wonder”. GHDF laughs, ruefully. Health Advocate Daisy purses her lips. Yo wheels into the surgical clinic to be greeted by Dr. Fung, who is wearing a shower cap and matching housecoat.

Yo and GHDF seem very, very nervous, and I can’t blame them.

Meanwhile, Lipsey Rinna shills a shearling jacket and a cozy cardigan on QVC. It takes an hour, and the poo-brown sweater inexplicably sells out before the black or even the olive, but just like that she makes what her old boutique, Bella Gray, used to do in a whole year. How do I get a QVC selling gig? Lipsey refers to her target customer as Shirley. Don’t call me Shirley, Rinna.

After waking favorite child Gigi up at midnight in Australia, Yo goes under, wedding ring intact because she has never removed it, not once. Not yet, at least. Health Advocate Daisy and the Bravo cameras are on hand to document it all while GHDF sleeps in the waiting area. Dr. Feng pulls out implant #1 and it looks like a bloody fried egg. Good thing Yo’s getting these things out. 

After 7 hours the surgery is done, and predictably it was so much worse than anyone expected. Like Dr. Fung is going to come out and tell GHDF it was a breeze and really, she could have left those moldy bags in there. GHDF appears appropriately concerned and loving, even if he is entirely too old to be wearing ripped jeans and spiky hair as a fashion statement.

Having arrived in NYC, the Pumps helicopter to the Hamptons to get the party started. She’s arranged for all her friends to also get free rooms at the Capri, where the party is taking place, but Kyle and Eileen have already arrived and vetoed the place due to noise and no room service. Luckily enough, Rumbly Mauricio just happened to be able to set them up in a fabulous house nearby where it’s quiet, stocked with eats, and not a dump. In fact, it has a lovely pool along with close access to a flowing waterway, and live deer.

Kyle is sure Lady Pump is going to be furious, which is why they left her a post-it note. This she receives upon check-in to her swag endowed lounge, LVP sangria chilling in a Perrier-Jouet ice bucket (tsk tsk!), and once she actually reads it she is shocked. SHOCKED I tell you, that her friends had the nerve to leave the hotel rooms she so thoughtfully arranged for them! They invite her to ditch her own room and move on in, but she thinks that would be rude, and high maintenance.

So anyway, it’s time for the party to celebrate Lady Pump’s Bella cover. Or, really, Giggy’s. 

Lady Pump swans in wearing a white wedding gown and a very large hat.  

Her high-maintenance friends, meanwhile, roll up in a limo full of trash.

Lady Pump is so very disappointed. She wanted to party hearty with these ladies, but they are all exhausted and can’t be bothered. Lady Pump is about to tell them to get their sorry asses into “club mode”, but Kyle pulls the Kim card. She has been unable to sleep and emotionally overwrought since Kim’s arrest, she says, then zips her lips like a toddler who doesn’t want to eat peas. It’s a sensitive topic, and yet these bitches don’t care! Well, perhaps they keep asking about it since you brought it up, Kyle. Le sigh.

Next time: it’s a RHONY crossover when the ‘Wives hang with Queen B! (BTW, apparently the Kountess, Doritos, and Avivisection were at this “white party” but did we see them? Nope, not even when Fat John tried to push Doritos into the pool.) Erika shows up and Queen B gets all over her jock, while Lady Pump grills Eileen about her marriage and the affair that started it all. ‘Til sometime next week…

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

Of Mini-Horses and Munchausen 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episodes 4 and 5 Recap

Mr. Little Mama took the boys to the farthest corner of across town to see Star Wars in IMAX, which means I am ALONE IN THE HOUSE for the first time in two weeks! Ohmiword. The possibilities are endless, but first I begin with a facial masque that would otherwise scare the children and getting up to date on this recap. (Pump Rules has been neglected for the holidays.)

The Rosebud mission to Ojai-O having failed, Lady Pump has rebounded nicely and sought out a friend named Hank to secure her a little horse. Why go to some strange cracker for a little horse when you had Hank in the first place? Up pulls an Escalade and out pop Hank and a gal named Tina who has some seriously hard-looking implants and not one but TWO tiny horses!

Yes, it’s a rental Caddy full of tiny horses, the explanation being that they were calmer on the plane to have each other.

The tiny horses are not mother and child or even related, but they certainly are cuter together. This means, though, Lady Pump is going to have to write a fatter check. The gals drag the tiny horses over the bridge upon which they are not to poo and force them into the house so Rocio can make them a spot of tea. Your lives are about to change, tiny horses.

Erika Girardi is across town calling her husband. She interrupts him at the office four to five times a day. Mr. Little Mama would kill me, or turn off his phone. What is this room, the lounge, literally? I want a room like this, dedicated to sitting quietly under a fur throw in one’s cozy plush robe, but with a strapping young man to brush my hair and more attractive drapes.

IMG_2333.JPG

Having disrupted her high-powered-attorney-husband’s day, Erika steps out to the drag queen store to get shoved into her costume for her next tour. Erika loves a compression catsuit. Her catsuit designer looks oddly like a fitness instructor I know.

I really feel like the only reason Erika got hired for this gig was for the catsuit scenes.

Eileen and Vinny take a minute from their busy days to meet for kale at True Food Kitchen. Vinny spent the morning, or some time recently, at the Del Mar racetrack and won $600 in honor of his late dad who loved the horses. Eileen is tweaked that she was not invited and apologizes for being bitchy about childcare planning, but it’s really Vinny’s fault because he doesn’t help. Vinny tells Eileen not to “attack” him in the early morning, and better yet not to even speak to him until 9-ish. I really hope this isn’t going to be their storyline this season.

Lipsey Rinna and her daughters also meet up for kale to talk about how Lipsey is staying home to do some Housewifely stuff while the girls are being sent to Canada with Husband Harry Hamlin for a few weeks.

via

The little Hamlins are resigned, if unenthused, and concerned about being eaten by bears.

It’s time for the small horse unveiling! Mr. Lisa rolls up in his sweet Bentley convertible and Lady Pump hustles him through the glass gate to meet his presents. He is dumbfounded. She got him the damn horse after all, and it multiplied? “Shit, shit, shit everywhere” is what Mr. Lisa predicts. Not unlike having a pair of pugs, sir.

The Girardis come over to visit the Fosters at the Yo Chateau. Erika, Yo reminds us, is a devoted friend. She’s heading out soon to perform at a show in Chicago, whereas GHDF is off to Europe to meet the Pope. “How about if Erika performs for the Pope?” Yo suggests. GHDF thinks that’s a BRILLIANT idea. One Pope ago it might have been crazy, but I can see Francis being into a compression catsuit.

Having taken Lil’ Portia to pitch a hysterical fit over getting her closed-up ear repierced, Kyle now takes her to acting classes. The End.

Yo’s Health Advocate, Daisy, helps her make pill packets for ten days so Yo can go ‘reconnect’ with GHDF’s soul on a yacht in Canada, and we all know how that turned out. It certainly looks like it was beautiful and they had a nice enough time when Yo was feeling well enough to do anything, but as she said, they were “either going to all get through together, or not.” Not, sadly enough. (And we’ll all miss the lemons, and the fridge, and the fabulous travel, but GHDF seems like a bit of a PITA to me.)

Lady Pump has everyone, or most everyone, over to inspect the tiny horses. They kill time waiting for Eileen, who seems to always be late, by chatting about Kimmy. Has Kyle heard from her? No (stop asking). Lady Pump sniffs that Kim had called her a phony and then went and did Sharknado 3. Why does Lady Pump care one toot about Kim Richards calling her phony?

So instead, they talk about Yo, who seems to be having a great and very healthy time in Canada. Lipsey wants to know: what is Yo’s message, and why does she share so much on social media? People are asking! Kyle is getting nervous. She thinks this is something to speculate upon in your head but not out loud. But out loud Lipsey speculates, now reading definitions of “true” Munchausen (“those affected feign disease, illness, or psychological trauma to draw attention, sympathy, or reassurance to themselves”) off her phone. Uh oh. It seems “people” were questioning whether this is what’s going on with Yo, and Lipsey “engaged”. You is in trouble, girl! Eileen advises her to confess to Yo at the appropriate time, and so off they go to chase tiny horses and pretend all is well.

(In Lipsey’s defense, when she was reading this bit off her phone I initially thought she was suggesting that Yo might have Munchausen’s by proxy, which rings true to me because I have a lot of questions about what Health Advocate Daisy is doing to Yo with all those pills.)

Episode 6 finds us with Lipsey shopping at Kaftans R’ Us because Rumbly Mauricio told her to go buy whatever she wanted ‘on him’ for her birthday! Lipsey totally relates to Kyle’s pleasure in the retail business because she, too had a cute lil’ store for a while until the recession and repeat burglars hit. Kyle shares that she’s doing a Kaftan pop-up store in Southampton soon and why don’t they make it a girls’ weekend? High pitched squeals. Lipsey chooses a calf leather moto jacket which (a) proves there is more than caftans at Kaftans R’ Us, and (b) by comparison highlights just how stumpy Kyle looks in her hugh-waisted denim skirt.

Lady Pump and Mr. Lisa are wrestling swan Hanky into the back seat of the Pumpmobile to take him to the vet about his stomach infection and watery poop. I hope he doesn’t poop any of that water on Lady Pump in the back seat. They need to get this Hanky situation resolved before Lady Pump jets off for something conveniently involving Hamptons Magazine in the Hamptons. You would think a swan situation would call for a mobile vet, no?

Yo and Erika meet Kyle in the park to make the New Housewife intro, walk 50 feet, and then provide background dialogue for future scenes. Erika and Kyle hit it off because they are the same age and were both child brides and thereafter teen single moms. Erika’s adult son is a police officer, while Flopsy, who is about the same age, is a Realtor©.

Enough of that, let’s talk about Yo! Yo is going to Cleveland in Ojai-O to get her silicone implants removed because they are leaking. And that’s really bad because she breastfed her kids (who thereby ate silicone?) and two of them already have suppressed immune systems because they, too, have The Lyme Disease. Kyle is shocked; this is the first she’s heard of this. Did Daughter #2 and My Love Anwar get bit by the same tick as Yo or something? Yo thinks this all came from horses since they lived on a horse ranch before they moved to Malibu four years ago. Anyway, Yo’s going clean: no fake boobs, no Botox. No one really knows the long-term consequences of that stuff anyway. Erika pats her on the knee in solidarity and then rearranges her own fake girls. She’s not giving up her tits or ‘Tox.

Lipsey entertains a housecall from her hoochie waxer, Eiko, before her long trip to Canada. “She’s known my hoo-hoo longtime,” shares Lipsey. 😶 I thought we’d already heard that Husband Harry Hamlin Likes Hair, but I really don’t want to explore this further. Hair free and care free.

Eileen receives Lady Pump and Kyle on a tour of the studio where they shoot Y&R. Lady Pump demands to be cast as a black cleaning lady and is mystified by the vending machine. No small bills! They are heading off to have drinks with Yo’s New Friend Erika that afternoon so they have to revisit the Munchausen’s accusation. Lady Pump sniffs that she did not like that whole conversation, but Eileen is certain that Yo will understand that Lipsey is not malicious and was just responding to “people talking”.

And so it’s time for drinks at the Sofitel so that Lady Pump, Eileen, and Kyle can meet Erika Girardi. Lady Pump is shocked; where did Yo pick up Real Life Barbie? Oh, their husbands are friends. Of course.

via

Lady Pump has lots of questions for Erika Jayne Girardi: these ‘disco hits’, why has Lady Pump never heard them? With all those dj’s she employs… speaking of, Erika Girardi met Mr. Girardi when she was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar! Lady Pump is aghast, picturing all her SURvers abandoning their posts to take up with her elderly clientele segment. And also: he’s 32 years older than Erika. Yes, he’s older than Mr. Lisa, by six years. Lady Pump has all sorts of technical questions about whether Mr. Girardi can get it up let alone maintain it and Erika assures her things did not collapse once Mr. Girardi passed over to the twilight years.

Speaking of, at Mr. Lisa’s birthday party Tay Armstrong was so very, very tacky in yakking about Yo’s illness, which prompts Eileen to jump in and make all sorts of apologies for Lipsey getting caught up in a misconstrued conversation with people speculating about what is going on with Yo. Yo is confused; she had merely heard Lipsey was caught up in this silly conversation with Tay on camera, now there’s a whole ‘nother conversation Lipsey got caught up in off camera? Shut up shut up shut up mutters Kyle. Good times ahead for Lipsey.

Yo goes home to prepare for her implant-removal trip to Cleveland, pick her last lemons, and show her kids her will.

via

Gigi thought they were just having a nice bowl of tomato soup with “grilled cheese dippers” and is not happy about this morbid turn of events, but Yo lost her dad suddenly and wants to make sure someone will take care of her children (and also her mom and brother). Um, don’t these kids, who all but one are technically adults, also have a dad? It’s not like they are going to be taken to the orphanage.

Next time: there’s a bunch of hoo-ha in the Hamptons and Lady Pump gets left behind! Also, Yo gets the implants explanted. I wonder what else they’ll find in there.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment