“Like She’s The Pope Or Something” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 13 Recap

Last night I went to bed at 8:30 rather than stay up till 11 watching PumpRules, and instead got up at 5:45 to watch fresh as a daisy. I have done this before, and as ridiculous as it is to watch reality tv at dawn, really I think this is the way to go. I feel like a whole new girl! All for you, friends.

The moment we’ve long been awaiting (all 12 previous episodes) has finally arrived: The Miami Girl is arriving. “Girl” is a loose term; “Annemarie” turns out to be a bit rode hard and hung up wet, per K1 T1’s usual type: mid-twenties and too much Botox. I do not see mid-twenties here. I see nearer to 40, something of a vague, darker resemblance to Ariana (does anyone else see this?), and possibly post-op. Annemarie staggers into the cafe where K1 lies in wait, teetering along on porn-star heels that, despite being wedges, are clearly giving her a struggle.

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After ordering a handle of RAMONA Pinot Grigio, K1 gets down to business for the camera and commands Miami Girl to tell her story. Miami claims she was weekending at the same hotel as Jax and the Toms (note to all who have been in the Mondrian pool since February 2014: get tested now), and after spending the day socializing and commisserating over her poor footwear choice, ended up having sex with T1. But not before T1 confessed that he had cheated on Ariana and was still in love with K1. Hmm.

“This is so gross, so disgusting,” K1 tells Miami, who does not flinch. Girl, this hobag basically just told you that having sex with you is gross and disgusting. Take offense! But no, this flies right past Miami. K1 is all indignant that T1 uncoolly keeps poking his pecker in strange places and then calling all the owners of those strange places liars, and agrees with Miami’s plan to march into SUR and let him have it on the job. Because Miami feels betrayed. Betrayed by a complete stranger with whom he had a long conversation. He owes her something, something more than the one hour and fifteen minutes of notoriety she has achieved having laid claim to a few minutes of weak banging from a C-list reality star. Yes, Miami has been WRONGED. She will not be ignored!

While K1 is conjuring up her evil plot, the 2s are having a conjugal visit on set at T2’s modeling shoot. Because remember, he’s a model! The only actively-modeling model in this whole crew of models! Perhaps bailing on medical school to enter modeling hasn’t gone altogether badly for T2.

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K2 updates T2 on her confrontation with Lady Hitler and nibbles one single Baked Lay chip; T2 feels Lady Hitler has shown her true, selfish colors after all K2 has done for her, helping her move, listen to her cry, and giving her couch space, and allowing her to eat and drink the 2s out of house, home, and wine closet. K2 still wants to believe there’s still a chance for their friendship.

Dusk falls, and it’s time for work at SUR, the Sexy Unique Restaurant!

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SUR looks like a bit of a dump, no?

K1 shows up with the standup comedian who once banged Jax and what appears to be a hidden camera for all the bouncing. They order drinks, and Miami comes tottering in in the same heels, statement necklace (from the Stassi Schroeder for Etsy kollection?) and white sundress she was wearing earlier. She’s here to clear her name! The name she self-soiled by seeking to bring it to the attention of the number one bunny boiler in LA!

Miami marches up to T1’s bar, where he takes one look at her, mutters “hi”, and keeps working before walking off the job and out the door. K1 grabs Miami and hustles her to the smelly alley, where they catch site of Ariana trotting after T1 to catch their Uber escape. T1 is not sticking around to have a confrontation with the his crazy stalker who has just showed up at his place of work; he’s scared shitless, man! No time to call security, just call Uber! K1 wrings her hands in glee. Her evil plot has worked, and T1 has proven his guilt through fleeing.

K1 takes over the patio with the unattractive stand-up girl and Miami, where they are cackling over their success until Scheana marches up and demands answers. What is going on here? K1 introduces her to Miami, and Scheana declines to shake hands for fear of communicables. This sucks, man! It’s Scheana’s wedding next week and she doesn’t need this shit! She demands to hear it from Miami what exactly she’s alleging happened, which causes K1 to start screaming and shrieking to be quiet and not answer her. People on the street are now staring in addition to the patrons inside, who are so excited they came on the right night. Scheana gets all tearful that she’s spent so much time defending K1 as “changed” and here she’s proving herself the #1 bunny boiler. K1 insists Scheana had no right to a heads-up because she would have ruined the whole moment! Just then, Diana the “manageress” comes out to see what all the commotion is about. K1 responds to her boss by shrieking at her to “walk the fuck away, now! Move your ass! Such a dick!” Girl, you was on your last chance. Mmm mmm mmm.

Jax and T2 have missed this entire episode because they are out drinking someplace else and talking about Jax’s futile efforts to get back in Carmen’s pantaloons. He’s going to take her as his date to the wedding and give her the full Pretty Woman treatment, which ought to go over well with all those to whom he owes cash. Jax is not excited about having to have dinner with K1 and Horshack tomorrow, but he’s glad to hear K2 has told Lady Hitler off because it’s a taste of her own medicine. Not that he expects it to last; T2 is Jax’s bitch, and K2 is Lady Hitler’s. And so it shall always be.

Lady Pump shows up at SUR and gets the dirt from Diana The Manageress, who reports that K1 was “extra disrespectful”. Not just her usual level of disrespect; disrespect with a cherry on top. Lady Pump cannot believe that Scheana was also screaming at SUR; that’s just not like her, but she apologizes so all is well. Mr. Lisa thinks K1 has been on their payroll for seven years too long. Lady Pump thinks that because this was a “personal thing” she can’t blame K1 altogether and has to hear her side before firing her. For fuck’s sake, woman! She interfered with business operations and was rude to the manageress! (Well, in truth she was only rude to the manageress in the process of jacking up business to appropriate levels, because all their customers want is the possible opportunity to witness a live shitshow. You know it’s true; that’s the only reason you’d dine at SUR when in LA, admit it.)

K2 picks up Jax and T2 in a funny little grocery getter she’s got on lend from Avis after being rear-ended, and clad in the most peculiar top festooned with gilded pelicans in flight.

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While those two fools were out boozing they totally missed all Scheana’s texts about the boonanas business that went down at SUR, so she updates. Jax thinks K1 has gone past 11 to 15 or 20 on the crazy scale, and T2 wants to know if she had a big tub of popcorn. K2 is not sure what to make of this; she doesn’t want to believe this weak banging event took place, but T1’s behavior in response to spotting Miami at SUR is awfully suspicious. Or: he’s legitimately terrified that he went to Miami without a full appreciation of his own notoriety or capacity for attracting negative fanatical behavior, and the wheels came off when he met the wrong chick in the pool. Happens in every Michael Douglas movie; he should have known.

Having Ubered around LA for a while, T1 and Ariana have gotten the call from Pirate Peetah that the coast is clear and they better come home before Mom gets mad. T1 is bewildered by the timing of all this, because after his and K1’s come-to-Jesus in Miami (ironically), he thought they were in a better place. WRONG AGAIN, sucker! T1 picks up his cocktail shaker and who materializes yet again but Miami. She’s been lying in wait, and she will not be ignored! The predictable “you banged me” “no I didn’t” showdown ensues before Ariana swoops in to save her addled boyfriend from himself. K1 has brought Miami on a “mental journey”, she assesses, and Miami has gone right along, ghetto nails and “oh-no-you-di-int” Springer training intact. After watching for a while, security finally arrives with the butterfly net, but not before Miami delivers her final bombshell: T1 gave it to her with his 4″ shaved wanger, and didn’t last long. Adios! shouts Ariana, and gives T1 a high five when the coast is finally clear. Good grief. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: not only does Ariana not believe there’s any truth to this matter, but even if there is she clearly does not care.

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The next day, things are obviously fine between T1 and Ariana because she’s spent the night and he went out in his snood to pick up a breakfast burrito and two coffees. They are very hopeful that Lady Pump will drop the hammer at last on K1 so they can bartend in peace forever more. T1 still cannot understand how all this happened after the nice come-to-Jesus he had with K1; Ariana fully comprehends that when T1 heard closure, K1 heard “so there’s still a chance for us”. She even sent a friendly text with the smiley face with tongue emoji! Ariana’s efforts to teach her grasshopper the ways of the world may finally be taking hold, as T1 is starting to see that K1 will do anything to ruin his relationship with Ariana so that she can swoop in and claim that only she, the #1 Bunny Boiler, can understand him. Aha! Someone is up to date on the Douglas ouevre.

Elsewhere, Jax n’ Carmen are meeting up with K1 and her temporary snood wearer, Horshack, for strawberry margaritas (manly!) and a rehash of K1’s recent malfeasance. Carmen is inexplicably wearing one of the more unattractive SUR uni’s.

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K1 shares that although T1 and Ariana bolted the scene, over all the confrontation with Miami didn’t go as she planned. AS SHE PLANNED! Jax asks her what she expects to get out of this shitshow, and K1 responds that she doesn’t want to be called a liar anymore. If you don’t want to be called a liar, stop talking about it, girl! This is just ridiculous, but it’s all Jax’s fault because he’s the one who told K1 the story in the first place. And from whence all the mayhem has followed. Haven’t we thoroughly established and documented Jax’s inclinations toward exaggeration and incendiary gossip? Well now K1 is going to pay the price, because Scheana is threatening to disinvite her from the big Shay/na wedding due to anxiety about a scene that isn’t about Scheana Shay.

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At SUR, Lady Pump holds her HR meetings with T1 and Ariana. T1 feels his fleeing of his post was in the restaurant’s best interest, and it isn’t his fault that K1 dragged his stalker in to make a scene. Lady Pump insists her customers “don’t come for a ringside seat to who’s sleeping with who and all this screaming”, which is of course EXACTLY what they come for. What does she think the draw is, the fried cheese balls? For God’s sake. And I’m on team T1 that if that’s what they got, it’s not his fault. Safety first! T1 apologizes which is the whole point. One must grovel before Lady Pump.

Next it’s Ariana’s turn to grovel which nearly goes bad when she calls Lady Pump “dude”. Lady Pump appreciates that K1 is the real problem here, and seems to accept Ariana’s insistence that she and T1 only intended to step outside but were chased away to the Uber car. Lady Pump wants to know why Ariana is so sure that Miami’s claims are false, and Ariana insists nothing adds up other than that he and Miami met. I mean, he doesn’t shave everything. Can she work with K1 again? She’d rather not.

K1, meanwhile, is at the recording studio pouting and shooting eye daggers at Scheana who is laying autotune on her new rap song. Shay and Horshack think it is AWESOME. It’s like a scene from Showbiz Moms and Dads in here. Breaktime comes and K1 and Scheana have it out in the lounge. K1 insists she didn’t set the Miami confrontation up which is complete crap; Scheana tells her she doesn’t understand what’s going on inside her brain these days. (I think the hamsters have been drinking absinthe, that’s what I think.) And what happens when she’s at the wedding drunk and T1 and Ariana start doing the electric slide? Get over it, girl. But K1 is still invited, because without her we’re really lacking for plot.

Next time: Jax conveniently leaves his phone open to an incriminating text about T2; K2 freaks out; and Lady Pump makes a decision about K1’s future at SUR. And the Mondrian pool gets drained and disinfected.

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“Norman Bates Chic” 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 10 Recap

Apparently the Umanskys have left Arizona, because Kyle is back in the great state of California and has arrived at Eileen’s Malibu residence either onboard or alongside a short, fat bus. Eileen comes out in what truly has to be the ugliest lacy, shreddy, tie-die ombre maxi dress with cutouts ever sold by Boston Proper. How does that happen? Kyle’s in a leopard print bomber type jacket which makes her look like an animal-print yellow M&M. It seems they’re off for a restorative spa type outing to help Kyle shake off the trauma of depositing Mopsy at college, and sure enough the dam breaks and all the other Housewives come spilling out: Lady Pump in black with green heels and bag; Lipsey in a one shoulder animal print maxi from a better page of the Boston Proper catalog; The Glands in a black jumpsuit, and Kim in a not-particularly-appealing stripe top. What went wrong here?

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They all get on board the bus, with The Glands promising to be on her “best” behavior (and we all know what to expect from that), and immediately things go from wrong to SO WRONG because conversation is naturally all about pubic hair. Husband Harry, Lipsey reveals, likes a big, hippie-style, pubic-hair-explosion of a bush. That’s just amazing, and so weird, and thankfully she stops sort of describing how she balances his freaky preferences with the desire to maintain at least basic grooming levels that I sincerely hope Lipsey holds on to. I don’t want to know otherwise. The Glands loves this line of discussion and tries to get all the other girls, especially Lady Pump, to reveal their own spouses preferences and grooming arrangements, and thankfully Lady Pump is having none of it. I really never needed to give a moment of thought to this subject, and here now I’ve written a whole paragraph.

Their destination is the Bacara Spa in Santa Barbara, and sadly Yo is missing this excursion because she’s still in New York. Kyle set this all up and basically they came all this way for threesome massages. Kim, Kyle, and Lipsey take off for one side of the balcony, where Lipsey invites her therapist to “go deep” because she likes it “really hard” (oh hardeharhar), leaving the terribly mismatched grouping of The Glands, Eileen, and Lady Pump on the other side. Lady Pump is looking a little spotty, which she says is “mosquito bites”; The Glands immediately retorts that “some people call them herpes”. Girl, please. No one calls them herpes. Herpes is not on your arms, and you of all people should either know that or sign up for a refresher Health class because to carry on otherwise is a community health risk. Eileen cuts out early and heads back to work before any more wine can be thrown. I’m no geographer, but it doesn’t seem to me that it makes sense to go from Malibu up to Santa Barbara for a massage, and then hustle back to LA to get to work at the CBS studios, but as we know nothing really makes sense in how they do things around here.

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Back in LA, Yo is fussing around Gigi’s apartment (which does not look like the same one Yo so artfully furnished just one year ago) and fawning over new modeling photos of both perfect Gigi, who has made the cover of Harper’s Bazaar as the “icon of her generation” (really? what generation are we talking about?) and #2, who Yo describes as being the “black swan” to Gigi’s “white swan”. And we all know how that turned out, don’t we?

Bella has photos, too, that need to be selected for her portfolio, assumedly. Yo wants Gigi’s opinion on which photo of Bella smoking is better. They still take photos like that? Yo has decided that any child of hers who is earning six figures modeling can quit school. That seems like a bit of a low ballpark, considering they live in pricey Manhattan, and I wonder what Mo thinks about it. He probably doesn’t care. Gigi is wearing Guess? mom jeans. I haven’t seen an actual pair of Guess? jeans since I myself wore Guess? mom jeans, and that was a hella long time ago. But she’s the new Guess? face, following in the footsteps of Anna Nicole Smith, and hopefully in only this way.

Back at the spa, with the massages over with spa time is done and it’s time for a nibble and wine tasting class. Do any of them really need that? None of them drink red, The Glands would be perfectly content with Boone’s Farm, and I am pretty sure Lady Pump knows this shit already. Sober Kim is presented with a glass of: mango juice. And then invited to sniff the wine. LAWD this is awkward. Kim keeps insisting she’s fine and finally leaves to go talk on the phone with the blonde daughter, because that has to be more interesting than sipping mango juice and eating crackers. Kyle claims to be horrified by this misunderstanding and flits around to check on Kim fifteen times which can only be annoying. Lipsey even pays her a smoochy, overly affectionate check-in. Kim really all thinks they are being ridiculous. Whether this is Kyle’s fault, production’s fault, intentional or a mistake, this doesn’t look like a very engaging wine tasting nor does the food look tasty. Fail!

Back in the bus, someone decides to ask what everyone’s sexual fantasy is. GOD. I never, ever have conversations like this and things are perfectly interesting anyway. Lipsey wants to screw Brad Pitt; lame. Kim wants to be alone on a beach. Me too! Except unless she’s suggesting some sort of one-girl roll in the sand I think she didn’t understand the question. Kyle fantasizes about stripping in public with her face covered. No one wants to see that, with or without the mask. And The Glands? Well, she wants to walk in on her man getting it on with another lady and have to wait and watch for liftoff. Considering how exhaustively she has poor-me’d about Mr. LeeAnn’s affair, this is truly peculiar. End of topic, and spa day, and good times.

A new day, and Kim meets her sister at Kyle’s pretend store, Caftans-R-Us, to find her sister attired not just in gladiator sandals, but in a whole ill-advised gladiator costume. Has no one told Kyle Richards that she is short and stocky? Not everything works on the short and stocky (I should know). Off they trot to a neighborhood establishment to rehash the spa outing and the awkwardness of having a former drunk at a wine tasting. Kim insists she was not uncomfortable, no one needs to worry about her, and all their fluttering around like wet hens was the only weirdness. Just leave her be and trust her to be a grownup! Easier said that done for those who want to be conscientious or have learned the hard way. No problem for those who couldn’t give two shits, like one Glandsy.

So it’s time for the poker party, which is apparently going to be Vince and the ‘Wives. This is the weirdest house ever now that we’re getting a real look at it. The moldings are massively overwrought, there’s weird old “parlor”-y furniture with stained glass and fringe everywhere, and an excess of Holiday Inn Art show paintings on every wall. Eileen wants everything to be just so so she lights one of those logs you can buy at Walgreens while she is holding it in her hands and then clucks and fusses him over to open the grate and avert a human inferno. Honestly.

Kyle is riding to Malibu with The Glands, of all people, and brings two glasses and three bottles of champs along for the ride. Buckle up!

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Meanwhile, Kim, of all people, is picking up Lipsey, and shows up “orney”. Not “horny”, “orney”, like ornery. Oh, says Lipsey, becoming alarmed. Kim’s speech is fuzzy and she’s alternately sad because of dying ex-husband Monty, or argumentative and pretending to act sexy, then swearing at Lipsey. Lipsey isn’t sure if this is pretend or real, and neither am I.

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So by the time they all arrive it looks like Kim’s pulling it together (it has been a long ride) and The Glands is half in the bag. She inspects the environs and declares the decor “Norman Bates Chic”, an assessment with which I have to agree even as I would never say that out loud. Except on this blog, of course. The Glands then amends that statement to describe Eileen’s taste as “eclectic like American Psycho“. Now I don’t know what she’s talking about but she’s not redeeming the situation.

After excessive glass clanging the gambling begins, and are these women smoking? Kim appears to be smoking a not-pretend cigar, and several of the other ladies have e-cigs. Let’s hope they are not stocked with Smurf Juice flavor as I have heard some are.

Things fall apart rapidly. I mean FAST. Kim is playing hard core and aggressive, swearing at people. The Glands is plowed and tells everyone they are acting stupid and are terrible actresses who can’t bluff. It turns out Kim has this game (Texas Hold ‘Em) figured out, and calls Lipsey stupid for her play. Things get uglier and uglier with a lot of fuck yous and Kyle is stunned, worried about her sister’s odd behavior. Vince is starting to look like an aged Nicholas from Eight Is Enough to me, which is weird as that was his dad’s show. The Glands is starting to feel like she wants to have sex with him. It’s a shitshow, and in the end Kim wins the award for best play and starts waving it and a dildo around like a magic wand. Kyle’s panic grows.

So Kyle disappears into a bathroom, which is where I’d be too, and Kim comes to check on her. Because obviously she realizes things are off and she’s part of it. Kim insists she’s not drinking, she just took a pain pill her ex-husband, who is being treated for cancer, gave her. Now WAIT: didn’t we go through some whole thing when Kim got her nose done that she shouldn’t be taking narcotics because of her addiction issues? So isn’t this a problem? Regardless, Kim and Kyle depart the bathroom with Kyle still worried but at least relieved that Kim spoke up.

Now what happened in between leaving the bathroom and entering the kitchen? Because as soon as Kim’s back in the kitchen with The Glands the wheels come off. Now Kim’s all worked up and mad at Kyle, ready to go and spitting “thanks for doing it” in Kyle’s face. As she charges out the door with The Glands giraffing along in hot pursuit, playing blocker, Kyle scurries after, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. The Glands puts a long arm out to impede Kyle’s access, Kyle pushes it aside, and The Glands literally picks Kyle up by the shoulder, flat-palms her in the face, and shoves her into the console table. And just like that Kim and her enforcer are OUTTA there.

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Next time: the brouhaha boils over in Eileen’s driveway; Kim ends up in the hospital; The Glands and Yo have a argument over The Glands’ drunken catfighting; and Lady Pump and Kyle activate their wondertwin powers. Cheers!

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“Not Even Taylor Swift” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 12 Recap

As life can’t be all penis straws and Champale, it’s back to SURreality for the PumpRules kids. And this is seriously elevating Lady Hitler’s stress levels, because as much as she talks being over it, she can’t quit any of it. The best she can do is park her Celica half a block away when depositing her one remaining friend, Anonymous, for her shift, after demanding a to-go order of fried cheese balls. I think Anonymous needs to cut Lady Hitler’s fried ball supply down.

Inside SUR, Lady Pump stops by the Jax station to check in. She’s surprised and delighted that everyone got along and the only facial wounds were incurred prior to liftoff. See, when you leave Lady Hitler at home things stay cool! Or maybe not; K1 is seeing her patio summit with T1 as “validation” that if there was no Ariana in the picture there might still be a chance for them. T1 and Ariana, on the other hand, thought the meeting was appeasement, and that perhaps after T1 tossed K1’s cigarettes out behind the dumpster to go fetch she was still looking. Nooop, try again.

Vail and Pirate Peetah meet cute in the smelly alley to flirt. Or at least that’s what Peetah thinks is happening. Peetah asks about Miami, and Vail shares that she got drunk and became a ‘makeout slut’. Peetah immediately goes for wine. Vail conveniently does not “remember” whether or not she smooched Jax, which will be helpful when video surfaces, as I think it already has. “Blackouts are God’s way of saying ‘don’t worry about it'”, declares Vail. Funny, I think they are God’s way of saying “Vail, get thyself to Betty Ford for a tuneup.” Peetah is intrigued by Vail. He is a ladies’ man, but craves a ‘partnership’. Peetah needs to get a real job. Especially because Max Pump is coming for his tight SUR shirt.

Inside, Anonymous corners K2 near the water pitchers and serves her with notice that Lady Hitler has declared their friendship over and K2 dead to her. Even Anonymous thinks this is a crappy way for their completely Stassi-servient relationship to peter out, but K2 seems oddly resigned. I underestimated that girl; must have been the orange hair phase. Oh, and the drunken clawing.

A new day dawns, as it always does, and the Sch/ays are over at K1 and Horshack’s rehearsing Scheana’s new hit song, a rap.

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She’s a regular Lil’ Bow Wow, our Scheana. It’s not going very well, really, although Horshack is confident. Scheana plans to perform at the wedding; she is going to jump up on a table and rip off her dress to reveal a new outfit underneath. So predictable. And, she reveals, Jax and Carmen will be sitting together, at his request. Dum da dum dum! Sherlock Doute’s sniffer is piqued. She thinks Jax is trying to hide something, just like…. T1! Horshack is getting fed up. You’d think the shrieking of “SANdoval!” in the sack would have done it before this.

Speaking of, Jax is meeting Carmen for lunch and he’s taken the liberty not just to order for her, but also to start eating food off her plate. Charming. Carmen arrives with her orange hair from the K2 for Nice n’ Easy Kollection, not entirely sure why she’s there but willing to be amused. Jax announces that he’s sorry about how things ended with them, especially now that he’s broken up with Tiffany. Poor stupid Tiffany. Anyway, he wants back in Carmen’s “good graces”, and her panties. Because Carmen was the best sex he’s ever had, and vice versa he is sure, so why not? Why not indeed. Carmen does not appear to be giving in but Jax thinks he can wear her down with his badgering. I’m not sure, and I really don’t see how she’s his type.

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Back at SUR, it’s time to report for work and today’s unis are my favorite butt-ugly shimmery peuce tshirt things:

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So flattering!

Vail and Peetah are flirting again, their laughter such that both T1 and Ariana whirl around like a pair of startled meercats. The 2s arrive together to find Lady Pump, who is happy to see them on the mend, although not so thrilled about the hamburger bun of hair K2 has perched atop her big melon. K2 tells Lady Pump that Lady Hitler has dumped her, to which Lady Pump replies good riddance. She thinks Lady Hitler has shown her true colors, whereas K2 is smart enough not to shit where she eats and is coming into her own. So let it go, K2. Let it go!

K1 goes stair running with a friend named Rachel, who just happens to be a stand-up comic and also an ex-girlfriend of one Jax Taylor. Jax really does not have particularly discriminating taste in the women he’s into, does he? It seems the reason for this scene is because The Miami Girl has contacted K1 and announced she’s on the way, and no one other than Rachel is willing to listen to this crap anymore. The Miami Girl wants to confront T1, at SUR and on camera, and describe his wang. What, is it all spotty like Michael Jackson? K1 wrings her hands in glee. This is gonna RAWK!

Jax, meanwhile, stops by Pirate Peetah’s filthy lair where PP is prepping for a date with Vail. Jax has his doubts about this because in his estimation PP has “no game”, which is sort of curious logic seeing as PP has banged all the same SUR girls as Jax, or at least all the good ones. He may not have game but he has a peg leg and a talking parrot! Lady Hitler just cannot resist a talking parrot. Off goes PP and it seems he had a completely different expectation of this “date” than Vail. He was aiming for a bottle of Malbec and a little horizontal lambada on a bearskin rug; she was expecting a latte before her shift at SUR. “Eeeeeuwwwww!” she practically screeches before racing off to her hostess station. Poor Pirate Peetah. Argh!

Lady Hitler is hosting some of SUR’s finest off-shift anonymous staffers for a glass of glitter-enhanced sparkling wine and a “studio” preview of the Stassi Schroeder For Etsy Craptastic Statement Necklaces Kollection.

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Mmmm, murmur the Anonymi, assembled on the floor and looking uncomfortable.

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Anonymous #1 tells Lady Hitler that she delivered the message of her firing as BFF #1 to K2, who claims she tried to talk to Lady Hitler but was rebuffed. Lady Hitler insists she simply did not respond to a text message of “hey”, because she only deigns to answer texts she deems adequately not-lame, and that she’s “weirded out” by what a “different person” K2 is to actually tend to her neglected boyfriend instead of doing Lady Hitler’s bidding and staying home to wax each others’ hineys. But Lady Hitler can wait. She loves a good apology and wants REMORSE. Remorse! For going on a free vacation with her boyfriend! Five lashings and an Act of Contrition will do it; “Hail Stassi, full of RAMONA pinot grigio and her own bullshit….”

Back at SUR, PP and Vail have an awkward encounter in the water area which leads Pirate Peetah to announce that he’s done with girls, “not even Taylor Swift”. Taylor Swift?! She’s fuckable? She just strikes me as a cat lady in the making, even without the “I will not be IGNORED!” element.

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Vail explains the awkwardness of this moment in the water closet, which K2 witnessed, as resulting from her having “accidentally gone on a date” with PP. K2 consoles her that everyone eventually dates each other at SUR, it’s just how it goes and how they keep the crabs from spreading. Pirate Peetah confesses his painful social detour to Lady Pump, who laughs in his face and thinks he got what was coming. She wants him to be “above” the staff, not “on top” of them. Or behind, let’s not leave that out.

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Poor Peetah. He tried.

K1 and Horshack go out for a nibble and another chance to talk about T1. Horshack squirms and rolls his eyes as K1 tells him that The Miami Girl is coming to town. “If she comes to SUR, I’ll die,” K1 says. My ass. Then K1 tells Horshack that The Miami Girl had texted her and said that at least as of when she allegedly banged T1, he had “regret” about having broken up with K1. Perhaps she jumped into bed with Horshack too soon, she confesses, sorry but true. What is he still doing here?

So finally, at long last, it’s time for Lady Hitler to get her comeuppance. She lies in wait in this week’s Blanche Devereaux ensemble for a black-clad K2 to arrive at the selected patio luncheon destination, resolute in her determination to keep her mouth shut, listen, nod, and receive her just due remorseful apology. Which lasts all of two seconds before she launches into her erstwhile best friend, declaring that K2 did something wrong not telling Lady Hitler where she was going, and that she OWED it to her to seek her out and confess. OWED it! She feels that Scheana, of all the tacky people, was thrown in her face, after all the “loyal support” Lady Hitler has shown K2.

“Bullshit!” calls K2, delivering the shocking news that life is not always about Lady Hitler. Lady Hitler sits agape. Yes, if Lady Hitler wanted K2 to sit at home and text her until she responded, well, she’s gonna be waiting a long time. K2 decided that her sweetie gay boyfriend is also important, and that she needs to prioritize him and be more accommodating of his wishes. Which is how a mature couple operates, something Lady Hitler ought to know something about given how condescending she is to everyone that she’s been in a real adult relationship for four minutes while everyone else is children with relationships that don’t matter and bullshit jobs. K2 is going to prioritize herself and her relationships and her bullshit job and getting along with others, and if Lady Hitler doesn’t want to do that, well then, see ya. And off she goes, our unflappable K2, who may finally be growing up. SHAZAM!

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Next time: Lady Hitler is frozen out; The Miami Girl shows up and makes a scene; and it all blows up in K1’s face. So much for penile identification.

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Mopsy Bears Down 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 9 Recap

Greetings from Sonoma County! I’m off on a girls’ weekend, and despite my efforts to write this up on the plane the wifi was not cooperating so writing happened, posting did not. So after a full day at the Japanese Tea Garden, a quickie wine tasting, and a fabulous dinner, my first priority is getting this up for you. Don’t say I don’t love you.

Another Housewives episode in my hometown, and this one in my ‘hood and I didn’t even know! What a lost opportunity. But before we get to that, Lady Pump is in her bedroom ringing poor overlooked Max. It seems Max dropped out of “music college” and is now working at SUR because he wants to learn the business. Max is a self-described “content and lazy” person, whereas the beloved Pandy was valedictorian of her class and worked her way through college. Why? Anyway, the only reason I even mention this interaction is because it happens with Lady Pump perched on her fabulous bed. I want to climb under her covers and take a nap, it looks so fluffy and perfectly made.

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So: the Umanskys have landed. THE UMANSKYS HAVE LANDED! They flew commercial this time, looks like the American baggage claim area at Tucson International Airport. And they are all along for this trip to deposit Mopsy at UofA, which I think is slightly weird because I can’t remember a lot of siblings along for the ride when I started college, but of course this is reality TV and no one is that interested in the Umansky kids if Lil’ Portia isn’t around chewing scenery, as they say. Kyle is again complaining about Mopsy actually leaving home and trying to pressure her to abandon all plans for an independent future.

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Off they go in their family rompers for a campus tour and campus is oddly unpopulated. I’ve never once seen it so devoid of people and I don’t know how they pulled that off, although if the usual crowds of students were around the wheels would no doubt have come off. This must be a Sunday. A student tour guide shows them to Old Main, which I believe is an administrative office building that Mopsy will have no occasion to visit while enrolled, and carries on about monsoon rains and “brown outs”. Brown outs are better known to most as “haboobs”, and are basically giant dust storms that are really a Phoenix problem so I don’t know why she’s prattling on about it. She must be nervous. Next she tells them about the “bike valet” who will handle Mopsy’s bicycle while she’s in class. Bike valet? What is this? Rumbly Mauricio is pleased the university has a woman president. I’m not, because she’s trying to pull funding for our NPR station.

Another ‘Wife depositing a child at college is Yo, who is in NYC getting #2 set up in her new apartment and whining about how hard it was to find a place to put her. This is insane. First of all, I thought #2 was getting a roommate. Second, if that’s not happening why aren’t #2 and #1 daughter Gigi being roommates? Third, a moving van? Full of brand-new real furniture? Shit. I moved into my college apartment using a cute and somewhat transient hippie’s ancient Datsun truck and furnished it with a cardboard dresser and folding tables purchased on my very first outing to Wal-Mart. Mattress on the floor and all. None of this fur rug and leather couch bullshit. Yo is still ITMing in her coral sweater over #2’s DUI and her doubts about her judgment. Hey, set her up in a palatial apartment in Manhattan and that’ll take care of everything! At least she won’t be driving anywhere.

The Glands is in LA having coffee with her lawyer to talk about how Mr. LeeAnn continues to demand a refund. It seems he’s claiming she’s the big earner in their former family, even though he and LeeAnn have just filmed a reality show. The Glands wants him working because that’s good for everyone, and continues to envision a future in which they can all sit down for Thanksgiving dinner together. Who does that? Not likely to happen.

At Palais Van Patten, Eileen is burning the broccolini and I really hope Vince just showered and doesn’t intentionally want his hair to look like that. Both of Eileen’s stepsons are about to head back to college, and the oldest one will be a senior. All the young men gather around a very small table to eat Eileen’s burnt broccolini and talk about Gigi, as apparently one of these kids took her to prom. Meow!

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The Umanskys are back at the hotel (my house is a bit off camera to the left) and now Flopsy’s here! The band is back together! Kyle’s wringing her hands over Mopsy being on her own and you’d think she was the first one to go away to college, when Flopsy went to college, Kyle had Lil’ Portia to replace her so she didn’t really notice. Kyle never even let these kids go away to camp. That’s just cruel. They need to get Mopsy set up in her off-campus apartment, which she will be living in because there was a wait list for dorms. I am not really buying that, nor do I buy the pretense that Kyle’s going down to Bed, Bath, & Beyond to get a UofA trash can and a jersey sheet set in a bag for this apartment. Kyle’s not worried about Mopsy making friends, she’s just worried about her managing the details of functional daily life without someone to wipe her butt for her. Maybe Kyle needs to hire Mopsy a ladysitter.

Speaking of Gigi (and not speaking of #2, who another one of the boys also took to the prom), Yo’s got things all staged up. She and/or Mo are paying all #2’s living expenses so she can focus on school. Well, yes; if you have the resources that is what you do. This is an admittedly fabulous apartment, and another bed I’d love to nap in. #2 and Mom curl up on it and #2 presents her with a card of apology and remorse. Now get out! #2’s got a rager planned!

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Also in bed is The Glands, with best friend Celebrity Rehab Jennifer, new bff Kimmy in a 70’s-era Cher maxi, and her two pocket gay hairdressers. They are all going to watch the LeeAnn’s new show, because they need to see if the kids are on it, see. Right. The show is mostly the LeeAnn’s talking about The Glands. Boring. What channel was this even on? No second season for that.

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Lipsey Rinna and husband Harry are filming a movie with Penn Gillette, because Lipsey will do anything for Penn Gillette. Later, she’s planning a Stella & Dot trunk show and gets chased by a bee. The end.

The Pumps are celebrating their 32nd anniversary and you know what that means! Roses, puppies, and Mr. Lisa’s biannual screw. Rosio is out on the patio setting up the galvanized Cialis tubs for the occasion. Max arrives to ask for money. He’s finally gotten electricity turned on after three months, but he’s unable to drive his car because he hasn’t paid for the registration because he’s too lazy to go get the smog test done. DUDE. You pull in, they stick a hose in the pipe, you leave. This is not a life obstacle. Mr. Lisa is disgusted and Lady Pump muses about whether the fact that Max is adopted is why he’s so peculiar. I sort of think if you dwell on your child’s peculiarities they become more so, but that’s just me. Lady Pump lacks no confidence in her approach to parenting after the success of Pandy, and who am I to question.

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The Umansky’s are off to a family dinner at Gio Taco downtown where they will meet up with a voiceless Mopsy who has been at sorority rush. Kyle is realizing Mopsy is not coming home with them and bemoaning not having taught her children to do more on their own. She’ll get it straightened out by Portia for sure. It’s raining, the monsoon the tour guide hoped they would someday experience. “Why am I doing this to myself?” Lil’ Portia wails.

Vince Van Patton drives off with son Duke to take him to his last year at SMU. The end.

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A new day dawns in Tucson, Arizona, and yes it does look like that every morning. Tucson is a beautiful place! Mopsy still doesn’t have a voice and Kyle is fretting that they can’t send her off to school that way. They can and they will, declares Rumbly Mauricio, who escorts Mopsy down to the lobby and deposits her in a town car resembling but not driven by the official Little Mama chauffeur Steve while Kyle wails. “She better learn something,” says Mauricio. Oh, she will. She will learn to wear denim underpants as shorts and do lawn flamingo bongs.

Next time: The Glands gets kinky, again, the Hadid girls model, and something is amiss with Kimmy at a wine tasting. Clearly.

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“It’s All Unicorns and Penis Straws” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 11 Recap

It’s my worst blogging nightmare: I wrote a whole post, then in trying to get my photos into it lost the entire damn thing. I cannot start over. I cannot face it. Therefore, I will present a condensed visual summary of last night’s #pumprules.

It seems that after the gender-segregated dinners of the night before, there was a meet up in a strip club. Scheana got lots of requirements marked off her naughty bachelorette list, and Shay nearly had a stripper sit on his face. Oh, and Scheana and K2 smooched, to T2’s immense delight.

IMG_1196.JPGWhile the kids were tearing it up, Lady Hitler painted another crappy chevron canvas in her sweltering condo, because her Snuffleupagus boyfriend has yet to materialize, she has no career prospects, and no one wants to read a fashion blog from the point of view of Maude:

IMG_1197.JPGAfter more dumb bridal party games involving toilet paper and K1’s nicotine-sex-and-tequila fueled campaign of terror against Ariana, the Miami kids had a pool party and Vail’s nipples sprouted purple hair. Awkward!

IMG_1198.JPGWith the SUR kids still in Miami, Lady Hitler thought it would be safe to stop by SUR in a big black bag, even with two big zits on her face. As she detailed the many sneaky ways she would booze through a SUR shift in the past (sangria in a coffee mug; wine spritzer masquerading as sparkling water; wine hidden in the loo), an alarmed Lady Pump signaled to Pirate Peetah that it was time to call Betty Ford and have them send out the butterfly net.

IMG_1199.JPGAfter dinner in Miami, the kids went to a club, where Jax “Jason Couchee” Taylor’s lurid history as the male model live-in boy toy of one mature adult named John came to light. Maybe they can begin again.

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IMG_1191.JPGLadies Pump sat Hitler down for a come-to-Jesus about her treatment of K2. Hitler feels she has been HURT! Betrayed! Because K2 went on vacation with her boyfriend in Hitler’s zitty hour of need!

IMG_1200.JPGLady Pump is horrified that this is how Lady Hitler treats her supposed best friend. She wants followers, not friends. And if K2 has to make a choice, guess how that’s gonna turn out?

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And finally, T1 decided to get it all on the table with K1, in hopes she’d leave Ariana and him alone. There were tears, oh there were tears. Memories. Life experiences. Lost dreams. Offers to eliminate Horshack if that’s what it takes, no problem. And one bunny boiler walked away convinced she actually has a shot at getting T1 back, if only she can eliminate that meddling, homewrecking whore Ariana…. she WON’T be IGNORED!

IMG_1195-0.JPGNext time: Vail’s gonna get it on with Pirate Peetah; K1’s bringing in The Miami Girl for a Springer-style confrontation (’cause that’ll get T1 back!); and Lady Hitler wants an apology that she ain’t gonna hear.

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“She’s Going To Slap Me Next Time” 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 8 Recap

Back to BH, friends! I caught a little bit of the end of the last episode before things got started tonight, to which Mr. Little Mama and I offer the following observations:

  • (Him): “Mr. Lisa wears the tightest little pants.”
  • (Me): The Glands’ hair always looks kind of dirty.
  • (Me): So Yo has never been to Villa Blanca before (she didn’t know where the bathroom was)? And she’s all hot and bothered about what a disappointing friend Lady Pump is to her for not showing up bedside with chicken soup?

Also, I regrettably tuned in just in time for the very end of the oh-so-ladylike tea conversation about oral sex. If you didn’t see it, afterward Yo tweeted this lovely bit of TMI:

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 11.20.27 AMOh, that’s beautiful. And I’m so glad she used the emoji with the tongue. Onward!

We arrive at Villa Rosa, and Mr. Little Mama does not believe for a minute that this lifestyle is financed off restaurants and clubs. He’s particularly suspicious of Mr. Lisa, and wants to know what he does. Because he doesn’t usually appear to be doing much of anything but stroking dogs and making slightly addled comments, which is basically true. I am going to assume he does the financial stuff.

Anyway, Lady Pump informs Mr. Lisa that she has agreed to a lunch with The Glands to hash out their differences. Mr. Lisa is baffled that she has consented to do this but as long as he can stay home petting his puppies the hell if he cares. The two meet not at a Pump establishment but at Il Fornaio, at which point The Glands announces she’s going to hold off on the wine until the heavy conversation begins. Heavy conversation? asks a bemused Lady Pump. Doesn’t that effectively launch a heavy conversation? Bring the rosé!

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Lady Pump informs The Glands that she just doesn’t understand what she wants in her life. Well, what she wants is to move on and braid Lady Pump’s hair again! Hang out, have pillow fights, you know! Lady Pump does not understand why, after all the horrible things The Glands has said about her, she’d want to be galpals again, and also notifies her that Mr. Lisa is not gonna have it because he feels betrayed after all the times he went out on a limb in her defense, almost to the point of making himself look like an ass. Okay, well, then, The Glands also wants an apology from Lady Pump for bringing Scheana around one too many times, which Lady Pump gives her. Yes, she is sorry she didn’t give The Glands sufficient notice when Production was requiring Scheana at events (and also, she sort of thought The Glands was past it, as did I). Ta da! See?

Now Lady Pump wants to know when The Glands is going to apologize for everything she did and said, and The Glands makes all sort of bullshit excuses for having been in a downward spiral and lashing out and being a complete asshole and that’s just what she does, y’all! She makes mistakes, we know! And Lady Pump should know, because they have such similar personalities! Oh we do not, declares Lady Pump. Similar senses of humor do not make similar personalities. Lady Pump tells The Glands that she considers this a détente sufficient to make them functional social acquaintances at best, and then informs The Glands that she’s buying. The Glands feels this is great progress. I think she has another think coming.

Elsewhere, Yo is chaperoning another modeling shoot, this one for #2 Daughter for BH Lifestyle magazine. I’m not altogether convinced of #2 as a model although obviously she’s built for it. Yo shares that after the DUI incident, she has lost confidence in #2’s decisionmaking, and is making her pay her own lawyer fees. But 80% of the time she gets things right. Fair enough.

Speaking of BH parenting, Kyle is gearing up to drop Mopsy Umansky off at college within days and is making a big fuss about the girl learning to do laundry before she goes. For the love of Jesus Christo El Hombre, this is NOT a big deal; I wash everything on cold and it all comes out just fine. I’m not even all that fussy about sorting. Just don’t use too much soap. Mopsy is apparently headed to college here in Arizona, apparently HERE in Arizona at UofA! To think my friend Mari and I have been at football games this season on Shannon Beador watch when we could have been stalking Kyle on Parents’ Weekend. Anyway, Kyle is not one of those parents encouraging her child to venture off into the world, be bold, go somewhere new, embrace it; no, in the spirit of Yo Foster and Kathy Wakile, she is encouraging her daughter to hate it and come right back. Be free, Mopsy, be free!

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So enough of quality time keeping an eye on #2, she’s left to her own devices for the night as Yo is meeting up with Lipsey, Eileen, and The Glands, who has brought her Unpredictable Embarrassing Asshole personality along for the night and immediately starts to fire it up with RAMONA pinot grigio, to which it responds well. She’s gone and gotten a whole new hairdo after her lunch with Lady Pump and I do not like it. After a status update on her issues with Lady Pump, conversation turns to their marriages. This ought to go well. Lipsey shares that although Harry seems quiet, he’s actually even chattier than she is. The Glands opines that when people are too much alike, they get bored and that’s when they cheat. Lovely. Lipsey gives her major what-the-fuck face, while Eileen tries to smooth things out by saying that’s only The Glands’ opinion and considering how much she knows about successful marriage we really can’t give it all that much credence.

Someone who knows about successful marriage is Eileen, because: (a) she was happily married, as was Vince Van Patton, when they met, and; (b) realized they preferred each other to their respective spouses, and so; (c) they both ditched their spouses and took up with each other. Oh! No big deal, they are all happy friends now. And plus, when a marriage is truly in good shape no third party can invade the picture, ahem ahem LeAnn Rimes. Right.

The Glands begins to powder her face excessively and changes the subject by offering Eileen cash on the table to act out a scene from that day’s episode of Days. Which Eileen does not want to do because (a) that would be weird, and (b) she filmed it forever ago and with all those lines she has to do daily cannot even remember what the scene was or who she was screwing in it. The Glands warns her that if she doesn’t do it in one second she’s going to throw her drink – and she DOES, after draining most of it into her big fat mouth first, of course.

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Lipsey is horrified. She finds throwing wine at Emmy Award Winner Eileen Davidson weird and inappropriate, and if it happened to her she’d have The Glands in a cop car. Yo makes excuses for The Glands’ drunkenness. The Glands has no idea what came over her – was it her urgent need to experience a true soap opera moment, or Eileen’s “romantic story of cheating”? Eileen declares this incident an “ick factor” and wants to move on – to getting the check. I hope someone called Uber for The Glands.

What one catastrophic drunken dinner with The Glands needs to correct things is another one, this time at Casa De Yo. Although Yo is the Ultimate Hostess, just ask Genius Husband David Foster, because of her Lyme disease she has this time decided to hire the Hunchback Wedding Planner of Beverly Hills, Mindy Weiss, to put this thing together. She’s going to be horrified if The Glands misbehaves at her house.

Meanwhile, Vince is ready to roll and is relaxing on the terrace with a pre-party drink. Eileen is not going to partake because she’s skeered. They can’t decide if The Glands is a psycho or a superfan, but one thing is sure, says Vince: she really likes Eileen. Lucky Eileen!

Also on hand for this party are celebrity jeweler Martin Katz and Babyface. OK! Kyle is the first to arrive and seems equally confused, and then hears the wine-throw story from Yo, which she agrees is so rude and makes no sense. Then Lady Pump and Eileen arrive around the same time, which gives Eileen a chance to fill Lady Pump in on The Glands’ most recent offense. Lady Pump declares it a “whole new low”, and we know we’ve seen low. What could happen next?

Well next The Glands can roll in with her hairdresser, who I’d like to have a word with because I don’t like tonight’s ‘do, either. Yo tells her she is in timeout, and when she stalks off we can see that her “hairdo” tonight is a ponystub. I feel like she did it because it looks cute from the front but from the back is a whole ‘nother story. So now that The Glands is here, Eileen is uncomfortable and The Glands is determined to get her alone. Eileen is now really nervous, but she goes. The Glands apologizes by presenting Eileen with an ugly necklace, not even packaged like a gift but out of her hand like a re-gift, and explaining with a hair flip that she drank too much and felt like she was a character on Days of Our Lives. Eileen is now completely aghast because not only is she an assailant but she’s confused about reality. (But at this point, who can blame her?) “I cried,” says The Glands. “Oh, that’s good,” replies Eileen.

Inside, Kimmy has arrived! A Kimmy sighting! She is so FOH this season and yet still gets to hold a big fake diamond. The Glands’ hairdresser loves Kim’s hair which isn’t a compliment considering. And she’s just in the nick of time, because Yo’s tinkling the piano keys – it’s dinnertime!

At dinner, Yo toasts GHDF for standing by her in her bleak years of Lyme, and Eileen for winning an Emmy, and Yo for opening PUMP with the backhanded slam that maybe next time she could invite everyone, and again reminds The Glands that she is in timeout. So The Glands, who is unwisely seated next to Babyface, starts flirting with him, until GHDF calls him out as married. The Glands asks to see his wife’s ring and informs her “it could be bigger”. RUDE. “Time for s’mores!” sings Yo!

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So out they go to the fire pit where Yo puts on a near-death performance of the Ed Grimley dance, and The Glands purrs in Lipsey’s ear that she is “so sexy” and excuses her wine-throw behavior as having occurred because she was “teleported into Days” before going and perching on GHDF’s lap. He looks displeased and Yo shoos her off. Lipsey and Eileen dash inside to huddle and hide. Lipsey can’t decide if she’s crazy and awful, or like a three-year-old who needs a scolding and someone to take care of her. They agree anyone who behaves like this seeks a reaction and attention, and no one who drinks that much is happy. Eileen thinks she’s neurotic enough to be an actress, but last night’s performance on WWHL would indicate The Glands should stick to her day job, which is nothing.

So RHOBH doesn’t come on for me until 10 o’clock at night, whereas for my friends with other service providers it comes on long before, and thus I often get preview commentary such as the message from my friend Jen that tonight she heard a song sun by Babyface that she never desired to pass her eardrums. Of course, I assumed it must have been an updated rendition of “Come On Be My Baby Tonight” from the first New Orleans season of Real World;

worse, she replied. And yes, “My Life, Finger Banging My Wife”, inspired by The Glands, would have to in fact be the most horrifying little number I could ever imagine hearing sung by the otherwise-angelic voice of Babyface. White trash, indeed.

Next time: Max is having an issue with responsibility; Eddie demands a refund; and #2 and Mopsy are off to college.

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“Shoot! My Flat-Iron!” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 10 Recap

Happy new year, people! And thank you for indulging me (and Mr. Little Mama) with a little bloggy break over the holidays. I didn’t even keep up with all the shows; instead, we got very engrossed in Damages. Have you ever even heard of this show? It’s with Glenn Close on FX, I think, and it’s about a high-powered New York attorney and a lot of sideline mayhem and intrigue. So good. I think the first five seasons are on Netflix and we binge-watched the first two through the family cold, unusually chilly (even snowy!) Arizona weather, and a general burrowing in to the nest.

But onward and upward! We’re all back to school and work, and I’m actually wearing pants that button today. Meanwhile, the kids of SUR are traveling to Miami en masse for the joint Shay/Na bachelor/ette party. And everyone is packing all at once, it seems. T1 and Ariana are packing his n’ her tiger shirts, a selection of man snoods, and nearly forget a flat-iron – his. Horshack and K1 are going even though nobody really wants them there, and he must only be packing Speedos because I don’t know anyone who can travel that light. And Pirate Peetah pops by Jax’s place, and finds him looking like this:

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Yes, Jax has had an issue. It seems that despite the fact that he has no driver’s license and his dad isn’t paying his car insurance, he was out and about in his truck which was about to be towed, so he raced forehead-first into a glass door to intervene and ended up needing 10 stitches. And still got a parking ticket. This doesn’t add up to me, but nothing ever does with Jax. Another something not adding up right is the sudden unvitation of Tiffany. Yes, Jax tells Peetah that he didn’t think she’d have fun because she would have to take time off work and be relegated to hanging with girls she doesn’t really know, who might tell bad Jax stories, so he thought it would just be better. Or, as he apparently texted K1, he wanted “space”. Writing on the wall, Tiff.

After a cross-country airplane trip, because Lord knows there isn’t anywhere reasonably local they could have gone to instead, the kids arrive in Miami and are greeted by rain and a short bus, also known as “the gang bang van”, as Scheana advises Vail, along for her Pump Rules group trip deflowering. They are staying at some excessively hipster boutique hotel called The Dream, and the sleeping arrangements are a little random: Scheana and her bridal party, which includes Ariana, are in a suite (the best suite, upgraded by Lady Pump who kept Pandy home slaving away at PUMP instead of along for the ill-advised ride); K2 and Vail, who barely know each other, are going to be roommates; and the Ts are letting Jax squat in their room against their better judgment because now that Tiffany’s not there he’s too cheap to rent his own room. But wouldn’t he LIKE his own room to get Jaxy in? Horshack and K1 had to get their own co-ed room because nobody likes either of them. Ha ha poo poo.

So not only is Jax crashing, but the room turns out to have one bed, which the Ts are only too happy to share, even though Jax thinks they could happily sleep rooster-rooster-rooster. To make matters worse, Jax calls dibs on the shower first which is going to delay T1s grooming time. And also, we all have to see his ass.

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Off to dinner at the Naked Taco, which is a name that makes no sense whatsoever (or maybe I am too old to get the intended entendre). Scheana is wearing purple lipstick and a gypsy door curtain as a dress, while T1 and Ariana have their matching tiger shirts on, he in his customary snood because Jax monopolizing the shower meant he couldn’t go for the full effect with his hair. K1 and Horshack are seated at the farthest end of the table next to the Bravo camera crew so no one has to talk to them, K1 seething and mentally conjuring the Carrie blood bucket as Ariana, Wondertwin powers activated, gets up to declare that Scheana will over the course of this weekend perform the customary bachelorette task of fulfilling a list of degrading sexual activities, to include: signing someone’s ass, motorboating a “d”, and, of course, throwing a drink on someone. Keeping it SUR-style!

Scheana raises a glass to the assembled, because this is only marginally about Shay, and thank everyone for coming… and declare it all the more fun because Stassi refused to be any part of it. Which is something I would have left out, but it does open the door for K2 to share that Lady Hitler is giving her the silent treatment because she did decide to come. This distracts K1 momentarily from her efforts to telepathically boil Ariana’s bunny: an opportunity to return to the K fold? I don’t think she should get too ahead of herself here.

Scheana then asks Jax in front of everyone why Tiffany didn’t come, in response to which he hems and haws and mutters about time off work and vague assertions that they are in a relationship of some sort, yes, but no. Finally, he admits that he told her not to come, and that it’s about the San Diego trip, and yes he did act like a single guy. T1 feels vindicated; T2 is now terrified that Jax is about to redirect the shit fan in a Tomlike direction. Like a cornered dog, Jax is now aggressively defensive, and indeed threatens to “pick shit” out of everyone else. So be quiet, or else! I’m sure Scheana’s mom, who needs a muumuu rather than a strapless romper, feels really special to witness all this.

Back at the upgraded suite where there are condom penis balloons on sticks and a large “cheers bitches” pennant. Now that I got a Cricut Explore for Christmas I may have to look into crafting one of those and creating and excuse to use it. T1 and Ariana huddle up to talk about K1’s superpower ability to “destroy fun”. Jax takes a call from Tiffany, which he curtly picks up with a “make it short” before realizing he’s on camera and cooing some “I love you”s and tells Tiffany he’s going to bed soon. After hanging up he immediately shouts “let’s make some bad decisions!” Woo hoo! Too late!

Nobody wants to make bad decisions with Jax, so he ends up getting cozy with Vail, who is wasted. Shouldn’t former drug addicts not drink? Well, too late for that, and she’s getting sucked into the Jaxhole with his woe-is-me Eeyore routine about what an irretrievably bad person he is, poo poo poo. “You need a hug,” responds Vail to the pity party and then they theatrically depart the terrace, stage left. “Apparently Vail wants poison… in her vagina,” Jax tells the camera. Why can we say “vagina” but we have to “motorboat a “d””?

After a brief montage of Pandy kicking ass at PUMP, because she’s so capable, see, it’s morning in South Beach and everyone is awkwardly waking up to their bedmates. Thankfully, Vail ended up in bed with K2 as she was supposed to and not curled on the footstool in the boys’ room with Jax. The Ts egg Jax on about how much Vail was hitting on him, which he enthusiastically accepts as praise; meanwhile Vail tells K2 she was too drunk to remember but just knows she feels sorry for him. “These sound like the preliminary stages of getting Jaxed,” diagnoses Dr. K2. Girl, watch yoself!

Today the rain has subsided slightly so they are all headed out to overload a shady pontoon boat for a booze cruise. And oh, the outfits. The granny panties. The neon tank tops.

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Far, far too many Speedos. And the honorees: Captain & Tennille. And then there is this:

Spectators gawk until a hurricane “suddenly” overtakes them and they make a break for it, nearly leaving Jax in the ocean. Not fast enough, sketchy pontoon captain, your only job and yet not fast enough. Jax, it seems, has been texting Tiffany AND Carmen all day asking them to come and offering to pay for the plane ticket of the first fool to accept. T1 is horrified. Jax has not learned the lesson not to eat too much fudge. (This means, Tiffany and Carmen: you are fudge. Think about that.)

Dinner that evening is a gender-divided affair. Everything goes nicely for the hens; Scheana makes another awkward toast thanking everyone for coming even if they don’t actually like each other, K2 replies that she’s actually having a really great time being out from under Lady Hitler, thank you. Henchman to a gremlin is a far funner role than henchman to a sneering self-righteous bossy boobie.

Things aren’t going quite so great over with the roosters, though; first they “forgot” Horshack, then T1 unwisely decides to take on Jax again by asking why he keeps bringing these disposable girls around so they can all friend them and then have to awkwardly break up with them after Jax dumps them. This, naturally, devolves into another denial act over whether Jax knocked boots with that unfortunate ho in the San Diego bathroom, so Jax counters with The Miami Affair. T1 firmly retorts that Jax could not possibly know what he did or did not do with That Woman because Jax was at the time having sex with some other unfortunate ho out on the beach and filling her hoo-ha with sand.

Horshack, naturally, furiously texts K1 a word-for-word script of the back-and-forth like some 21st century stenographer. K1 smirks and preens in anticipation of revelations and admissions she’s been DYING to get ahold of to further her campaign of misery against Ariana. So she conveniently leaves her cell phone on the table as she goes to the restroom to unleash her happydance and tamp down her excitement, and Vail conveniently picks it up and reads the texts. Which don’t amount to anything other than Jax Being A Douchebag, and once K1 returns to the table she’s crestfallen to realize no breaking news ever came along. Wah wah WAHHHHH. You know, the funny thing is I think at this point Ariana couldn’t care less whether T1 actually banged That Woman or not so this whole storyline is a pointless enterprise from the start. Some poor drunk fool gives Scheana his panties and gets his butt signed as thanks.

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Back at the rooster shit-show, Jax announces that if he’s going down, everyone is going down with him, and storms off to the bar. T1 and his Willow Smith hair follow along for a bro moment and a beer. “I shouldn’t have to lie for you,” T1 quietly tells Jax. Jax is trying to get dirt on everyone else to make himself look better by comparison. Well, DUH! Isn’t that what the last two seasons have been about?

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Next time: strip club shenanigans, Stassi and Lady Pump have a throwdown, the 1’s have an emotional moment, and does Jax have a gay lover in his past?? Till then…

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“That CBS Smell” 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 5 Recap

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Mo Umansky attempting to waterski! And not really very well, but at least marginally better than Yo mounted on her bagel. Back on the boat, Yo is fretting in her Baywatch suit and literally counting the seconds until she can get the hell off this damn second-rate yacht and get her Dutch ass on a plane back to L.A. to deal with #2 child Bella and her DUI. Goddamn Champagne O’Clock. Per Yo, Bella was at a friend’s beach house and after having “A” glass of wine felt she needed to go to a nearby gas station, and that’s how she was arrested. Mmm hmmm. At 4 a.m.. With a 0.14 BAC. Yes, people awake at 4 a.m. have had a mere casual glass of wine, and their visits to the gas station are prompted simply by a need for nachos, Slurpees, and lottery tickets. Nothing to see here! No, Bella is an extraordinary, mature person who made a mistake. Just ask her mother.

Whatever. Anyway, Yo is at this point suffering through the remainder of her vacation with the Umanskys with clenched teeth, as frankly are the Umanskys themselves. Mopsy and Cottontail seem terrified to speak. Kyle is trying to keep her family-perfection glee tightly controlled. You can practically see the thought bubble over Yo’s head populated with “you just wait for that Lil’ Portia to turn 17 you smug bitch!” More wine? says Mo.

Back in Malibu, Eileen Davidson is flirtily sparring with her mullethead husband, making milkshakes for her kid, and running lines with her niece/nanny, because she’s returning to Y&R, you guys! Yes, she came back to Days, but sensing the swiftly-decreasing viewership has fled to the more stable ratings of The Young and the Restless, which I’ve always understood to be the soap opera powerhouse. There aren’t a lot left anymore… Eileen and son Jesse hop in her sporty Ford Flex to zip down to CBS for rehearsals. Eileen loves the soap opera lifestyle because she can bring her kid to work, evidenced by a photo of herself breastfeeding in the makeup chair long before Gisele ever did it. Back when I was a Days watcher I was always certain Eileen was actually an Edward, so this display of functional reproductive bits raises my eyebrows. Jesse recalls the distinct smell of CBS with nostalgia. Ah, CBS. Where the smell of Dan Rather lingers.

Lady Pump is back at Chateau Pinko getting packed up for Palm Springs. One of the newer housekeepers has mistakenly washed Giggy instead of his suits and brings him in all wrapped up in a fluffy towel and outraged, telepathically commanding Lady Pump to fire this incompetent nincompoop on the spot. So now Giggy has to go to Palm Springs in dirty pajamas. Mr. Lisa drags five hard white suitcases down the stairs and past the aggressive swans to the getaway vehicle. No LL Bean duffle bags here.

Yo has landed back in LA and shows up at GHDF’s recording studio with an old-school picnic basket to share lunch with Her Love. Yes, this gal streaked back to LA and rather than holing up with her recently-arrested daughter and dragging her to Jesus, Yo instead visited her fancy fridge and assembled a casual, portable meal in a wicker basket. No drive-thru Wendy’s bags here. Yo explains that she needs a little “time to digest” things before confronting Bella, so she’s going to digest by fawning all over her giant ego of a husband and crooning in his ear what a great stepdad and perfect dad he is. Priorities! GHDF attempts a line of analysis by telling her that Dr. Phil (known in my house as Dr. Feel) says “middle child syndrome” is real, which Yo curtly dismisses. There will be no talk of Bella being lost in the shuffle and therefore acting out here.

I cawn’t take it. Must picnic.
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The Glands is recording her podcast with guest Vivica A. Fox, also now known as “Ghetto Barbie”, not to be confused with Vivica The Fox. The Glands is wearing the first loose garment I have ever seen on her, what appear to be a pair of leopard-print PJs, and is giving modulated, family-friendly behavior a further go by trying to ease up on the swearing, but her guest is not cooperating and keeps turning the conversation in unseemly directions. So The Glands gives up, theorizing that no one is going to download a clean podcast anyway. I think the reason we’re seeing so much of The Glands At Work is because no one will film with her. And Mr. LeeAnn won’t let her film with the kids so they don’t have many options.

The Blonde One’s wedding is imminent, so the Umanskys are jetting back to LA the day before (nice planning skills) and Kimmy and her ill babydaddy Monty are getting mani/pedis. Kimmy reminisces about her life with Monty as a child bride and how even though the actual marriage only lasted two and a half years they have still always been best friends as Monty drifts back and forth to Las Vegas; apparently he is a professional poker player and “heir to a supermarket franchise”, whatever exactly that means. Monty seems like he’s got more problems than just cancer.

The Pumps arrive in Palm Springs at an estate, the name of which I just missed, that they apparently visit frequently as the butler was armed and ready with a glass of iced vodka for Lady Pump. Lipsey Rinna is not far behind, as are a cadre of Lady Pump’s preferred gays, because part of why she’s being honored by Palm Springs is because of her support of the LGBT community. Lady Pump informs us that none of the other Housewives were invited because she only invited her friends and they aren’t that. Lady Pump seems to have shrewdly determined that she can marginalize Housewives she doesn’t like by refusing to film with them, thereby denying them a storyline. Oh, Glandsy, you is screwed.

At dinner, which is attended by Rocio and Giggy on a special puff, one of the gays makes a flattering toast to Lady Pump which she brushes aside with faux modesty by asking Lipsey to change the subject to something about her sex life. Lipsey takes this as an invitation to do a brief stand-up routine about Brazilian waxes and what is pubic hair for, anyway? “Keeps bugs out of the bush,” replies Lady Pump. Technically, I think it keeps bugs IN the bush and NOT in the valley, but I know what she’s getting at and I often wonder the same thing, although not out loud at dinner.

It’s wedding morning at the Umanskys and everyone is running around in an idiotic panic because it’s like 3 a.m. their time in Spain, you guys! They’re so tired, these jetsetters! This is such bullshit. Like they couldn’t have planned their vacation schedule a little more intelligently. EGADS the mountains of spackle in Kyle’s bathroom! I love products but what in hell does she do with all that shit? Christ. Of course they are theatrically late. And of course Mopsy and Cottontail are wearing shrunken Modcloth-type vintagey dresses like all the kids like these days. They look pinched.

Meanwhile, it’s Walk of Stars day in Palm Springs! The Pump kids have finally arrived; here’s Pandy with her charming, perfect husband, and unfortunate Max who got the day off from bussing tables at SUR and left his much-older cougar girlfriend at home. Lady Pump has a fluffy robe wrapped over her pink satin nightgown, which completely dazzles Lipsey who sleeps in a ratty old t-shirt and has changed into a sparkling Kyle For Alene Too caftan before coming down for coffee. Apparently we all need one of those for swanning about in the summertime.

The event is held on a big pink carpet and is attended by about 20 Housewives superfans all in pink. Lipsey wears the aforementioned caftan. Lady Pump, to their tremendous disappointment, is in all black, which is not only surprising but also stupid considering how extensively she has complained about the prospect of heat in the desert sun. Black won’t help that. Lance Bass gives a welcome speech and asks if people can see his nipples through his shirt. Klassy. Lady Pump drawls a thank you and expresses her delight that her star is next to Sonny Bono. Top notch! The end.

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Wedding time! It’s at Kathy Hilton’s house in the backyard and nice and all, but these kids are really, really young to be getting married. Kyle is the only Housewife to attend, because she’s family, obviously, but also because this is not a real Housewife event. Actually, are there any guests in attendance? No one other than Kyle’s family and Kathy Hilton are really shown. Is this a real wedding? It’s lovely, seems happy, I’m sure all-you-can-eat Fatburgers were served, but generally something is off about it. I get the idea that it was sort of rushed because of Monty’s illness but as this was filmed in July and he’s still kicking at Christmas I am having a hard time buying that as the explanation for everything.

Next time: it’s a hometown visit with Lipsey Rinna; ALL the Wives are actually getting together in person; and The Glands throws it down with Lady Pump.

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“I Only Want To Boss Around Cool People” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 7 Recap

We pick up where we left off in the 2’s apartment, where Stassi, K2, and one of the anonymous brunettes are gnashing their teeth over T2 smooching some random two years ago, when who pops through the door but T2 himself, bearing tulips! One each for Stassi and Anonymous (because you can’t forget the Princess) and the rest of the bunch for K2. And he’s wearing a tank top, which is appalling enough, but to really spice things up this tank top has pastel stripes. I always have thought there’s nothing that heebs me out more than a man in a tank top, but now I am thinking a skinny man in a pastel tank top may be the living end, and not in a good way.

T2 moans that his nerves are shot from having been confronted with this allegation. His nerves are shot? K2 got yelled at, by Jax. T2 helpfully informs them all that Jax has now acknowledged he made up the whole sex-party-in-Vegas thing, which causes Stassi to completely lose it. Stassi decrees that T2 needs to eliminate Jax from his life, which T2 doesn’t feel is completely necessary because he doesn’t take Jax all that seriously – he’s just there for entertainment, basically. “Katie is basically a lesbian right now, because she’s not dating a man.” And so Princess Stassi tells T2 to get out, and he goes. Stassi informs K2 that T2 shalt cut that meddling Jax from his life, and she’s going to have to make him feel like he’s losing her in order to get it done.

Back at SUR, Lady Pump and Pirate Peetah are gearing up for Gay Pride Day, always a big event at the Pump venues. This year they are bailing on the parade float because there was too much going on getting PUMP opened up and are instead going all in on getting people into their restaurants, boozed up, and spending cash like water. Anonymous #3 rolls in with her best friend, the improbably-named Vail, who is looking for a job. (Actually, Vail is probably a more likely SUR name than Kristen and Katie. I used to get my nails done in a place where all the manicurists had these very exotic names; one finally explained to me that because there were like 30 manicurists they all had to pick fake soap opera names like Chantal and Georgina so they could be told apart, and her name was actually Nancy, or something like that. Wouldn’t you expect the same of SUR?)

So Vail, who is very attractive in a not-cheesy-LA sort of way, is apparently a Princeton graduate (?!!!), a recovering drug addict, and a struggling actress, all of which let her to conclude working for Lady Pump would pay the bills and get her a little exposure without jeopardizing her sobriety or causing everyone she has ever known to permanently dismiss her judgment. So here she is. You’re hired, says Lady Pump, who advises her against “intercompany dating” which won’t be too hard since everyone is pretty well lined up already, well, except Jax, who declares that he is “going to sleep with her probably”. I can’t wait until that doesn’t happen.

pleased to meet you. Let me hump your leg.
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The 2s go out to a fancy date night dinner, having experienced a “wake-up call” and realizing they have gotten super lazy. K2 announces that she “mostly hates Jax” and demands that T2 eliminate him. T2 says that’s not realistic given their social circles, and that regardless Jax is “frivolous”, rather than “malicious”, so why can’t they just ignore him? He may be frivolous but he’s loud and annoying in his frivolity, so I’d want him banished to Scheanaland forever, too. The 2’s go home and {gasp} HAVE SEX. With each other!

whee! we did it!
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Time for Gay Pride! Lady Pump is sweating it out in a completely ghastly pink tie dye bejeweled super-cleave chiffon maxicaftan from Alene Too By Kyle, and all the SUR staff are getting professionally spray painted and made up which is the kind of thing Scheana just can’t get enough of, adding the tailfeathers of live, endangered flamingoes to her elephantine eyelashes. Stassi, who is unemployed and apparently lacks a hobby, swings by PUMP where the real action is to berate T2 some more about Jax. Lady Pump pops over to say hullo and tells her she can go to SUR because it’s low-key there today and “safe”, even though Jax is on the premises. Stassi suggests Lady Pump schedule herself a brunch with The Glands. Take that! Stassi rolls on over and somehow misses Jax, who has left SUR to check things out at PUMP, on the street between the two.

SUR is in fact low in the excitement factor today, and everyone is grumbly that PUMP down the street is attracting all the clientele. Horshack is in back in his SUR t-shirt, emblazoned with a photo of all the kids, listening to K1 whine with excitement that she just has to go to SANdoval’s apartment to get her mail, again. She’s so burdened by this, really she is. Horshack is getting a little testy. Then, K1 goes to the bar to collect a load of drinks and ventilate some wistful nonsense on Ariana about how Ariana’s now living the life she , K1, used to live, not because she’s SANdoval’s new girlfriend but because now she’s getting cheated on by him, K1 just knows it. And – SNAP! – also, when she comes over to talk to SANdoval about bills, Ariana doesn’t have to, like, be right there. I believe we are witnessing a psychotic break in progress, folks.

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Lady Pump and Pirate Peetah roll up to SUR in the pink PUMPmobile, and are all surprised that business has dropped off. Maybe it’s because there’s a big fat gay club that just opened right around the corner.

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Stassi ignores K1, who is trying too hard to pretend they are on normal terms, and is introduced to Vail, who initially impresses her as fabulous until she realizes Vail is the newest SUR hostess. Scheana in her flamingolashes tries to talk back to Stassi and gets shut down for the fiftieth time this season. Stassi is all too fine letting Scheana take on the losers for her crew because Stassi has taken all the cool kids to boss in the schoolyard pick.

A new day dawns at Horshack’s unexpectedly above-average apartment, where K1 is getting dolled up in a low-cut, snapping-turtle length cocktail dress to go over to SANdoval’s to pick up her shit for the fiftieth time. Horshack sadly questions why she is putting weird powder in her hair for this. I get why she wants to look good, but wouldn’t a simple sundress or even a cute pair of yoga pants do just fine and look less desperate? Over at SANdoval’s, T1 is doing some excessively-light housekeeping under the watchful eye of T2 The Enforcer in anticipation of K1’s weekly visit. It seems he kicked her out six months ago, but she only finally changed her address last week.

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K1 arrives, embarrassingly overdressed, and immediately launches into SANdoval for not responding to her texts. He doesn’t want to talk to her! Plus, that would amount to encouraging his stalker! K1 resumes haranguing SANdoval for banging Ariana, to which he responds “you’re the only one who thinks that”. Either that, or no one else cares, either way she’s obsessing. K1 insists she wants SANdoval to be happy, just not with her. We don’t care what K1 wants. “I felt trapped with you for six years, and now I just don’t want to be around you!” SANdoval shouts. Have it your way, K1 retorts, and stomps out. Somehow I don’t think that will be the end of that, even though it should be. Nearby, a rabbit boils. Afterward, Ariana stops by to pick the boys up for go-karting, because none of them have a valid driver’s license. Oh, STOP.

The Tres Amigas, Stassi, K2, and Anonymous #1, go to a cake decorating place. What in hell is this? Some place where they make the cake, you just festoon it with crap? They are making a gold cake for Pirate Peetah’s birthday. Whatever. Stassi announces that she has decided that Vail is assigned to the dork crew, and that K2 needs to make T2 unload Jax. Still on that tirade… K2 has had enough and halfheartedly suggests to Lady Hitler that if she can get over T2’s bad decision, surely she need not care who he is frivolously friends with? She has to let it go, she has decided. Lady Hitler has decided she shouldn’t.

So after the cake decorating party (which they appeared to leave without an actual cake), they roll back to the 2’s Place where Lady Hitler launches into T2 about Jax AGAIN. LAWD this is tedious! T2, who I am starting to think is the only person who makes sense in this shitshow, questions why Stassi is so invested in this aspect of the 2’s relationship and Jax’s behavior, which no one else can be bothered with, then quite reasonably tells Lady Hitler that she is “breathing life” into this whole fiasco and Jax’s level of importance, because if they all dismissed him it would be a big fat nothing. “He should be EXILED!” booms Lady Hitler. Christ. Girl needs a job; I am not sure she is qualified to hostess at SUR anymore given the elevation in prereq’s that has taken place of late.

Next time: Jax makes the predictable play for Vail. K2 and Lisa get into it over Jax. And K1’s SANdobsession reaches crisis proportions. Around and around the toilet we go….

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“You’re a Dirty Little Wink” 🍷 Project Runway All-Stars Season 4 Episode 6 Recap

I spent last weekend “coaching” my kid’s LEGO robotics team at the FIRST LEGO League regional tournament, so my PRAS recapping duties suffered. The giant albino guy got sent home after a terribly disappointing London challenge. Disappointing because I love London, and I love outerwear (which I never get to wear) and I just felt our designers missed the mark. But Fergie was there! Not the Black Eyed Pea, silly, the former royal, whose appearance caused it to dawn on me that these guests must get compensated for their appearances. ‘Cause when I think Fergie, I think “financial issues”. And Weight Watchers.

So this week we have a challenge in which the designers have to roll giant dice to find out what combination of textile and event they have to work with this week. Why can’t we use the button bag for this? I was waiting for someone to chuck a die at Tortured Soul’s head. Those pointy nails are just anathema to me. Anyway, the winner is going to have their look featured in Marie Claire in a shoot months in the future when Sam Micelli, who will wear it, is no longer pregnant, which means by then everyone will have forgotten this season altogether.

So much wrong here. Do not let this happen to you.

So much wrong here. Do not let this happen to you.

 

Some of our designers got off a lot easier than others this week. I think anyone who got brocade or masquerade ball is a bit screwed, which gives me a bit of hope because Tortured Soul got brocade! Yee hee hee! How are masquerade ball and awards ceremony supposed to turn out different from each other unless masquerade goes costumey? This is just not going to turn out to be a challenge in which I enjoy the results.

After the customary trip to Mood they are back in the workroom and things are a little dicey. Mullet does not think Purple Lips’ pink brocade (which I love) is actually brocade, and after conferring with Fabio and the Ice Dancer (who helpfully chants the fashion school definition of brocade like he’s Siri) deploys Fabio to deliver the bad news, which goes over like a bag of rocks. But Purple Lips switches over to her gold brocade, which she thankfully bought along with the pink. I’m not really sure that’s brocade, either, but the Ice Dancer doesn’t object. Also, Tortured Soul takes it upon herself to tell Rick Astley that his halter-and-tiny-skirt getup looks more club than brunch, and he gets all offended and tells her to beat it. Take that, Pointy!

Runway time! The Beautiful Georgina is back, and our guest judge is someone I’ve never heard of who has worked for basically everyone, including Gant, which means he knows slacks.

Our top three are Purple Lips, Mullet, and Tortured Soul. Oh, STOP.

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Are you kidding me? How did this happen? Tortured Soul’s crop top and slit-to-here sausage casing skirt are absolutely hideous, although Isaac likes it for some perverse reason. I would have eliminated her, no question. Doesn’t she do anything besides ultra-tight, heavily seamed evening gowns? I think I like Mullet the most of our remaining designers, although that’s a major concession because I don’t really like any of them all that much. Her work is interesting and original, but her color choices are so questionable. She always manages to make them work, though, in a pretty ugly sort of way. Purple Lips’ bachelorette party dress is the best, although Georgina tries to invent something to complain about. She wins.

Bottom three are the Fabio, the Deaf Guy, and Gunnar.

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Fabio got denim and masquerade ball, and after purchasing some Pepto pink denim (?) he worked up a totally run-of-the-mill column dress that looks like a heavy-duty pillowcase all darted together. Blah. The Deaf Guy did what he always does which is make something that was close to good if he only hadn’t done that one thing, which in this case was include sleeves. Without the sleeves it would have been much stronger, not to mention faster to execute, although still something from the JLo for Kohl’s section.

Gunnar decided his masquerade ball gown needed to have some concept to it (agreed), so he decided to be inspired by butterflies and used a really cool iridescent brocade. I hate brocade, personally, but if it’s what you have to work with I think he picked an interesting one. The judges do not like the fringey top he made with it although I like it; we’re in agreement that we don’t like the high-low skirt, although I have to say I really like the way it’s cut and floats. It’s very butterfly, and I personally would have given it high-ish marks, but the judges don’t like it and he’s auf’ed. Really questionable judging today. Like Sam would ever, in a million billion years, not have looked ghastly in Tortured Soul’s tacky tacky tacky getup. It looked like the least favorite outfit in Barbie’s costume trunk. BAD.

Next week: they’re designing for couples about to go out on their first date. Oh dear.

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