Oh lawdy. Get ready to circle the toilet bowl, readers.
So we’re going to Puerto Rico with that territory’s favorite D-List native, Mrs. Puerto Rico 1994, and it seems the only ‘Wife not joining us is going to be Carlton, because her broom is in the shop. This is one motley assemblage, I’ll tell you that. Even though Mrs. PR’s father just died, the trip is going ahead. None of this makes sense to me; wasn’t her father IN Puerto Rico? Therefore isn’t she going TO him, so this good? Why wouldn’t she go? And bring her new besties to grieve alongside her, as well as a troop of camera crews? Oh, well maybe that’s what it is. Anyway, we’re going, dammit, because Episode 16 is always scheduled for a field trip.
After packing up their bikinis (even Lady Pump and Kyle are bringing bikinis, they who have hidden well behind Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on past Housewife Beach Excursions), the gang rendezvouses at LAX, the worst airport EVER. I loathe LAX. Mrs. PR emotionally tells them this is meant to be a non-emotional trip and none of them are to dwell on her deep abiding grief. Away they go.
And arrive, where one strategically informed paparazzi is waiting to take photos of Puerto Rico’s very own Bratz doll and her husband, Mario Batali. They love how he cooks up the venison vagina on that cooking show of his, those Puerto Ricans do. Big fans.
Everyone hustles into the waiting chubby bus and are delivered to their hotel, where the Puerto Rican National Frog is loudly mating. Their accommodations leave more than a bit to be desired for some, especially the Pumps, who have never before had to share a bathroom. This bathroom features a very small poo room, in fact, an arrangement Lady Pump declares will lead to marital problems. I promise Lisa she will survive spotting Mr. Lisa on the crapper taking a deuce, just like the rest of us.
when I googled “husband on toilet” this is what came up. Swear to Chaka.
The reason we are here is to (a) have our scheduled field trip, death or no death; (b) promote tourism in Puerto Rico; and (c) corner Lisa so The Glands can lead the lynching. The Glands and Yo curl up on the couch (Yo stuffed into my 8th grade pair of Guess? jeans, as usual) with a bowl of pretzels and a glass of wine to start the bitching.
The Glands is all whiny about how Lisa doesn’t call or write anymore, and her three offenses: (1) she needs to be involved in everything, including last week’s necklace situation (for which we are treated to a revisit of Lisa sticking her lumpy butt in by asking whether this accessory really matched that accessory.) Seriously, we need to be aggrieved by this? (2) Lisa is only nice and concerned about The Glands’ well being when other people are around to see it, whereas after The Glands objects to Lisa’s concern she discontinues expressing it in private; and (3) Scheana, and how Lisa keeps trying to make The Glands interact with her. Because Production isn’t making Lisa make The Glands interact with that homewrecker Scheana at ALL. For her part, Yo is personally offended by how Lisa turned it around with Kyle, and she’s going to confront her about it. This is so 8th grade locker room. I’m reminded of a girl I grew up with who said something shitty about me that I overheard, but ganged up on me for having ears and taking offense. Bitches, man. Bitches.
Dawn rises and everyone groups up for breakfast before being sent off to some isolated beach which one can only access and depart by ferry while Mrs. PR lunches with her family. The Rainbow Brite caftans are out in force. The gang arrives and more virgin coconuts are handed out than liquored up ones, because The Glands wants to be ON. Kim really needs to have that giant wart on her back looked at.
we love CAFTANS!
If you are wondering how things are going to go, just look to the wardrobe, like on Survivor where the red tribe just happens to have all arrived in red outfits. Lady Pump is attired in her usual pink bikini and accoutrements, as is her wont, and dressed in blue bikinis is, well, everyone else. Uh oh.
and in this corner…
Yo instantly lured Lisa aside and launches into her about when she made up with Kyle and why she didn’t tell anyone else about it. Lisa didn’t think it was anyone else’s business and I totally agree with her, but Yo does not. I’ll say this for Yo; she may be picking a needless, pointless fight but she looks damn fine in a bikini at any age, let alone hers. I love the lemon queen but I am increasingly certain that Genius Husband David Foster’s assertion in print that she’s only doing this to raise her profile and get a lifestyle gig going is entirely true, and that this shitstirring is all part of that strategy.
Anyway: Lady Pump doesn’t understand why she’s only allowed to be friends with The Glands and not also Kyle and goes off crying while they all taunt her. This is when Kim n’ Kyle join the other meanie blue bikinis and The Glands drops her real bomb: it seems that when Yo and Lisa arrived at The Glands’ craphouse in the limo to head off to Palm Springs back in episode 3 or 4 or whatever, Lisa spotted a whole pile of the tabloids in which Mauricio’s fidelity was questioned and insisted The Glands bring them on the trip. When The Glands tried to decline, Lisa put them in her suitcase herself.
The Glands and Yo feel Kyle needs to know this, and I feel Kyle needs to think a little harder about what’s being asserted here. First, when the story was first related, Yo was there, yet Yo was not a witness. Second, according to my recap on the subject, Lisa rode to Palm Springs with Carlton in the Britmobile, and not with The Glands (who DID ride with Yo), so The Glands’ story isn’t coming together quite right. Third, it’s not like these one-page articles were on the cover of the D-list tabloids in which they were included (I mean, damn, I didn’t even see any of them), so they only way Lisa would know they were in the issue of InTouch or Life&Style would be if she was spending a lot of time reading this crap which, let’s face it, none of us really think is how she’s passing her time. (The Glands, on the other hand….). And Fourth: The Glands is the one who BOUGHT them and knew what was in them, at a time that she was mad at Kyle for secretly telling the tabloids that The Glands is a bully. So we’re to draw from all this a nefarious plot by Lady Pump with The Glands as her sock puppet? My first conclusion would have been that Lady Pump wanted to have some trashy poolside reading material on her getaway, as I do the same.
Yo stalks over to The Pumps to get this going again, and Mr. Lisa basically tells her to leave his crying wife alone, which causes Yo to start yelling at him not to tell her what to do. This is not attractive, Yo. Then Kyle timidly wanders over to ask whether The Magazine Story is true. Lisa gives her a sputtering, confused, vague and varied explanation that sounds to me like someone who doesn’t know what the hell her accuser is talking about, but to Kyle sounds extwemely suspicious.
As all this is going on, Mrs. PR and Mario are back at the hotel having lunch with PR’s family. PR’s mom’s bra is really hanging out and it has to be on purpose but it’s just not right. It seems PR’s mom and dad divorced when she was very young which explains why we are having this weird tourist visit to the daddyland without any direct funereal activities. We’re not ALL mourning. PR loves her mama and hopes Mama dies first so PR doesn’t have to be the one to experience grief. How magnanimous of her.
Back on the island of misery, Yo and The Glands pack it up and giraffe it back to the ferry, because their work here is done… for now. Seriously: who do we think has time on her hands to orchestrate social breakdowns and throw shit into fans, Lady Pump, or The Glands? I mean, Lady Pump not only has businesses to run, she has HOBBIES. Arranging flowers and dressing up dogs takes time. Giving strange men the boots can be done on The Glands’ laying-down time, giving her allll day to volunteer at the kidlets’ school AND dream up weak plots.
After they depart Mauricio asks what all that was about, so Kimmy tells him that Lisa tried to make The Glands bring dirty magazines to Palm Springs and it’s SO TRUE. Because it’s The Glands, aka “The Truth Cannon”, who said so! Lisa thinks The Glands is looking for trouble. Both husbands (Mauricio and Mr. Lisa) get furious about the whole shiitake and stomp around a bit before Mauricio storms off, his wife Kyle scampering behind. “Mo, wait!”
Night falls, and the group boards the chubby bus with great anticipation. The Glands looks a little boozy already, and immediately, quietly, dangerously demands to know just when Lisa knew the devil homewrecker Scheana. Lisa tells The Glands what she already knows which is that Scheana has worked for her and been friends with Pandy Pump for years. That’s not what The Glands is insinuating, though. She thinks Lisa and Scheana are “thick as thieves”, like regular Manzos. What is she getting at?
She seems to be suggesting that Lisa knew about Scheana’s homewrecking ways BEFORE the SUR launch party where The Glands and Scheana had their first awkward encounter and left them to awkwardly bump into each other to “create press”. Hello? I think I knew about Scheana giving the boots to an assortment of unfortunate celebrities and also the future Mr. LeAnn Rimes before the SUR party, because I have been a loyal Us subscriber for at least 20 years. Like since before it was weekly. There was a time… so if I knew, you know Production knew. Whether Lisa knew is not only another matter, but really irrelevant because she’s not exactly the boss behind the setup.
Anyway, The Glands wants Lisa to do a lie detector test about whether she knew about Scheana’s extracurricular activities with the ex-Mr. Glands before the SUR party. Girl, please. You’d think she was accusing Lisa of failing to prevent the sordid hookups from happening in the first place. Lisa didn’t even know The Glands then. Also, The Glands demands to know whether Scheana was in the audience for DWTS ever. Lisa says it wasn’t through her and The Glands isn’t buying it. Girl, please again. She came with Pandy. This is idiocy, even for RH. And thank you.
They arrive at dinner and Lisa sweetly tells The Glands that she loves her and swears she didn’t know about Scheana and Mr. LeAnn at the beginning. But The Glands is no longer under Lady Pump’s spell. Kyle announces that she is feeling anxious, and needs to ask both Lady Pump and The Glands together whether the magazine story is true. (Guess what?: one says yes and one says no.) Mr. Lisa starts rolling his eyes and objecting in his excellently British way to rehashing this, calling the discussion “stupid”. “Don’t call me stupid!” shouts Yo. I wonder about Yo sometimes, whether she gets confused over the ESL deal, or if this is a Lyme disease problem rattling her brain, because Mr. Lisa wasn’t talking TO her or ABOUT her at all. (Exhibit B: insisting the self-defense instructor’s “stop choking me” signal meant “choke me more I love it”.)
Next Kim butts in and blows up at Ken for telling her to butt out, because they went to Wisconsin instead of her K2′s party and also because he’s a stubborn old goat. That’s the last straw and the Pumps storm out to have a glass of white wine and a cigarette on their lanai. Even The Glands? Lady Pump cannot believe the underdog has bitten her. And also, she’s never called anyone the nasty names “others” have, but now handling magazines is the worst offense imaginable? Even Mario thinks this was a badly handled ambush.
Next time: Kimmy and The Glands go frolic in a fountain and nearly get arrested. K2 and Gigi are off to college. And after the Pumps escape from Witch Island under cover of night, Lady Pump meets up with The Witch of Beverly Hills to review and rehash.