Yes, following in the footsteps of her former BFF Lady Hitler, K2 has got a blog, called “Pucker & Pout”, on which she posts about beauty, fashion, hair, etc. I popped over for a visit and I’m not entirely sure how long this operation has been going, but she’s surely gotten a bump today. But unlike Kristen Taekman’s reasonably busy little operation, there’s not much to see, really, unless you want to read advice on why you should stop washing your hair. (No thanks.)
K2 has asked her new BFF ShayNaché to come over to model hair accessories. T2 is also on hand to provide modeling tips he picked up at the Blue Steel School of Modeling and Animal Husbandry, as well as dispense some comic levity because, as we know, ShayNaché is suffering. Suffering emotionally because she has uncovered Mr. Shay’s secret battle with the pills. T2 cannot believe easygoing, teddy bear Mr. Shay has such a dark secret; ShayNaché begins the waterworks and coaches herself to breathe through her nose so as not to mess up the makeup.
A full, professional photography and lighting crew arrives with a backdrop and everything to shoot the hair photos, and they get perfectly solid, humorless shots. If this extensive of an operation is what’s required for all these beauty bloggers to get their money shots then I no longer feel inadequate over the handful of crappy photos I post here.
Across the ghastly, apocalyptic landscape that is Los Angeles, Jax is at SUR trying to work over BlahBlah. He’s heard that she’s from Utah, so he wants to know (a) is she a Mormon, and (b) is it true that the Mormon gals are into anal? No, BlahBlah is not a Mormon, but she can confirm the anal rumor and also advise Jax that the Mormon gals give killer blowjobs. Before Jax can LAX→SLC, Lady Pump pops up and scoots him away, chastising him not to “poo in his own backyard”. Jax straightens up and tells Lady Pump that if she doesn’t want him chasing BlahBlah’s skirt, maybe she could reconsider hiring his girlfriend of fifteen minutes, BritNee, so she can move to LA and keep him under control. Lady Pump remains nonplussed; until this fledgling relationship passes the “90 Day Jax Trial” she has no desire to ruin that underpants-as-daywearing naive little thing’s life by encouraging cross-country relocation; after all, Jaxy here has been through three noses this year alone!
With that, it’s time for Boys’ Night Out, wherein the Ts, Jax, and Pirate Peetah are going out with Horshack, who I initially took for a don’t-mess businesswoman in his necklace and blazer. All he needs is a bow-tied blouse and he could pass for Melanie Griffith in Working Girl. Inebriation ensues. Horshack, who is over the moon to have been invited out to play, goes further and further down the rabbit hole, confessing that his relationship with K1 is at best okay and at worst cataclysmic; that they have broken up more than 20 times; and that they are going to therapy in the morning. Sounds like a relationship worth investing in. Speaking of investing, the Ts want the Pumps to bring them on to help sell the LVP sangria line. They have big plans. Horshack is now in need of pee-pads.
Sure enough, dawn arrives as it always does, and Horshack has made it home but not past the couch. K1 makes him a delicious breakfast of poached eggs and broccoli, which Horshack declines as I would as well. The tank top twins go to therapy; I am thoroughly distracted by Horshack’s lady arms and Etsy special “fun pocket” top. They bicker and sneer and call each other horrible things. She’s mad that he’s immature and irresponsible (he is 21 and unlike K1, at least has a job), while he’s bitter that once upon a time before he was old enough to drive she boned both T1 and Jax, which seems irrelevant to me. The therapist suggests that if they can’t stop one-upping each other with mental cruelty then maybe this isn’t a healthy relationship. I think this relationship isn’t healthy for me as a viewer and I am breaking up with them first.
The cool couples – the 2s, T&A, and Pirate Peetah – are on a triple dinner date, you guys! Like grownups! Peetah just met his new girlfriend at the season-opening party, and guess what? She has a KID! A real live four-year-old! Peetah is so excited that he gets to play house. T1 wants to play house with Ariana – he would “fucking marry” her (how charming!) but she has never wanted to play house much less get fucking married, not since she was five.
Speaking of marriage, you know who isn’t here but the only (technically) married couple the Nachés, because Mr. Shay is having this tragic meltdown that has now become public humiliation to top it all off. Everyone, even ShayNaché’s friends, acknowledge that she is bossy and domineering, and tries to avoid dealing with real issues in favor of pitching hissy conniptions about things like who stole her bar customer. One of the Ts points out that Mr. Shay has got no money and he’s got no car, so soon he might got no woman and there he are. Meep.
Yes, the T’s have conferred over fashion choices and arrived on the doorstep of the Palais du Pump, crossing the moat and prepared to present their hifalutin business plan to Lady Pump. Which is: to go to St. Louis, drink LVP sangria in front of “people”, and use subliminal “be cool like us” messaging to get the great unwashed of St. Louis to buy a lot of bottles, with or without brown paper bags. Pandy Pump and Mr. Pandy, who are really in charge of the sangria and have come along to hear this laughable proposal out, manage to keep straight faces. It’s sweet that these two asshats think they can bring out a buyer’s market in greater Missouri, but this operation is already in full swing on at least two other continents. Also: no, despite T1’s sweet pleading, Lady Pump is not going to hire Silent Bob, currently circling the drain of addiction, to come work at any of her establishments, even if he is married to ShayNaché and is a sad sack. To humor them, the Ts are sent home to come up with something more involved – something sort of like a “plan” – and advised to consult Craigslist for odd jobs for Mr. Shay.
It seems there’s a whole additional hideous leather couch offscreen, too. This visually offensive living arrangement far exceeds my wildest fantasies of Studio ShayNaché. And it’s full of cats, too. Also, K2 needs to step it up if she wants to pass as a hair-and-fashion guru.
Yes, ShayNaché asked the cool couples – the 2s and T&A – to be here as well as “buffer”. It seems Mr. Shay is not comfortable being alone with his wife. Hmm. Maybe the sharpened talons have something to do with it.
Sat down and confronted, Mr. Shay reports: (a) he was taking enough pills to experience withdrawal symptoms; (b) that he had multiple dealers; (c) that he took 10 a day on at least one occasion; and (d) he has not pooped in over 24 months. (Vicodin, man! I have never understood the Vicodin addict; I can’t take even one without a double senna and prune chaser.) ShayNaché begins to wail about how miserable she has been for the last week or so, and Mr. Shay shouts that he’s been miserable for two years! TWO YEARS without a satisfying BM, man! Then why did he marry ShayNaché?! she howls. He did it because he’s scared of her. She overtalks him and cuts him off and intimidates him, and next thing you know he’s proposing on the back lawn of the Palais du Pump with cameras rolling and BOOM! getting hitched to a Bridezilla in a crop top before he even sobers up enough to know the sun has set and risen again. What to do, what to do? ShayNaché vows to permit Mr. Shay to cut her off when she’s steamrolling him. He agrees to stay and brought his toothbrush in his tiny backpack. This relationship has legs, man.
Jax brings BritNee to PUMP to try, again, to convince Lady Pump to hire her. This is what she wears:
Lady Pump, unimpressed by BritNee’s stellar career history at Hooters, says no, and declares a no-fraternization policy starting now.
After bickering about Mr. Shay’s need to work through his “stuff” on his own, rather than under the relentlessly pressing thumb of ShayNaché, the wifey dismisses Mr. Shay’s possible alcohol issues as inconvenient to her own partying lifestyle (he’s just gonna have to try to keep it to a mild buzz because she’s not leaving her clique for anyone), and informs him that henceforth, she’s going to supervise his activities by making him do at-home drug drops. REALLY.
And Mr. Shay actually, willingly goes into the bathroom to take off his panties and pee in the cup. For God’s sake, dude.
The next day, ShayNaché reports to Lady Pump that things are looking up. Mr. Shay doesn’t need rehab, he just needs to report to his in-home probation officer with her supply of CVS kits every two days or so! See, all fixed! And for once, Lady Pump is speechless.
Next time: K1 and Horshack put a fork in it, and he tries to put his fork into BlahBlah which incenses both K1 and Jax who invokes the new no-forking rule. Also, ShayNaché is totally sure that Mr. Shay is going to do everything possibly to make her The Happiest Woman Alive™. EVERYTHING. Sigh.