In the last week this little mama has thrown two year-end pool parties, a dinner for 19, a birthday celebration, a sixth-grade promotion, and handled a visit from El Nana and assorted work hiccups, and now we’ve arrived at SUMMER! With Mr. Little Mama and Big off on a Naked & Afraid camping trip, I am ready to use this lull in the testosterone to finally check in with the estrogen brigade of New York City. Thank you for bearing with me, as usual.
We find our friends Julie Toothpick and Doritos test-sitting couches at Jonathan Adler. It seems Julie is helping Doritos redecorate, which isn’t such a bad idea. They are also shopping for Secret Santa gifts for a party Queen B is throwing, and Jonathan Adler has many options, including cookie jars labeled “Quaaludes” and “Uppers”, which would be perfect for Mo if it weren’t for the fact that Julie, who drew her, already has the perfect gift. (Doritos has The Queen and got her a vibrating Thighmaster.
Just put it between your knees and squeeze, Queenie!
So anyway, Doritos confides that after last week’s Moruption, she’s over it with her. She will be civil and behave herself when she has to be around her, but she no longer loves Mo and feels burned. She thinks Mo’s problem is that she wants to spread it like PB&J for Big Fat John, and she is about ready to let them do it so Mo can get it out of her system. Yeah, I am pretty sure that’s not it, but no wonder Mo is talking to media far and wide about how awful So is and how Doritos is the only friend for her. She’s been banished, and no amount of gifted RAMONA Pinot Grigio is going to fix this.
Speaking of the party, Queen B is prepping by ordering her minions about. It seems one is assigned the role of Caviar Girl but has accidentally come costumed as Elsa. Let it Go, B! Surrounded by her Real Friends™, which includes Radzi, Queen B updates the assembled on who is coming, which includes Mo, Doritos, and The New Girl Julie Toothpick, who Beth shares is half-Asian not that it won’t take Julie more than 35 seconds to point that out herself. We’ll wait. Meanwhile, Mo bursts in shouting that she needs a margarita, a water, and a glass of RAMONA Pinot Grigio and she’s gotta tell them a story. Eyes roll.
Not invited to this gathering of loved ones are The Kountess and So, who are instead parked on a couch in some corner of the Viagra Triangle to go through Lu’s side of the same story, which is helpful as I didn’t watch last week. It seems that among the four dudes The Kountess has been giving the boots, for a spell last summer there was this weird gay dude that she made the mistake of going to Ibiza with on one of the two dates she admits to having with him, at which point she realized he’s a total freak show and she bailed. (But not without giving him a party favor.) Somehow this odd bird named “Rey” got himself invited to the party Doritos and BFJ had the previous episode, and when he went all Single White Male on the Kountess, with Mo’s encouragement, she fled.
Mo is of course also telling this story at The Queen’s new apartment, which in her version heavily emphasizes BFJ putting his big fat sweaty red hands way too close to Mo’s face as he kicked her out for stirring the shit, which led to a big embarrassing fight between Mo and Doritos. Julie Toothpick pipes up that this is really only half the story, that this weird Rey was scaring the crap out of the Kountess and Mo was on the wrong side of the situation. Ooops. Just then, here comes Doritos and Mo demands everyone shut it down.
Doritos is so damn furious with Mo that she really wants to run when she sees her perched on the ottoman, nervously hectoring Doritos about what appetizers to eat and whether she wants the caviar on a pancake or a spoon. Doritos and Beth go hide in a corner so they can have a Signature Emotional Moment and The Queen Can Help. Doritos shares that Mo’s behavior has unlocked her inner sadness, and that she’s struggling with her daughter Hannah’s “transition”. Wait, what? Dear God, I don’t feel we are adequately prepared for a sex change here. The Queen feels Doritos needs to take time out to take care of herself and that she is afraid of being alone so she’s sticking with BFJ out of a lack of alternatives. Which is probably true, but ain’t gonna change. Meanwhile, Mo nervously licks caviar off a blini that Julie Toothpick actually then eats. Radzi is totally grossed out.
Doritos comes back to the group and treats Mo perfectly kindly which is far more generous of spirit than we ever see from this group, or any other franchise, and then announces that she’s going to have a holiday gathering at her home in the Berkshires and is going to invite everyone except So (and of course these randoms of The Queen’s). She’s decides that the tension between So and The Queen is undesirable, and if one has to choose between the two… on the other hand, The Kountess will be invited, which makes Radzi uncomfortable, but who gives a shit about her? Mo is allowed to come, and starts smooching Doritos’ behind immediately, which she ignores. The Secret Santa gifts are the aforementioned Thighmaster, a silver bird Christmas ornament for Doritos, and wine drinking eyeglass straws for Mo, perfect for chocolate milk, or Pinot Grigio. I don’t think Radzi or the randoms got anything.
Morning dawns at the SoStone, and a couple of hours later Laverne and Shirley rise to shake off their hangovers and face the day. It seems the Kountess has been sleeping out at her mystery main man’s apartment and had to do the walk of shame that morning. Surely she could get a car service?
It also seems that the heat is not on at the SoStone, whether by mechanical or financial failure, so the ladies put fur jackets and men’s slippers on over their lingerie to share a schmear in the kitchen and discover themselves written up in Page Six over the party fiasco, in an article that heavily references a certain dry cleaning business and an associated sweaty red man. Lu didn’t know Mo got thrown out of the party – ha! So is annoyed; why is she getting called out for her party fouls, when Mo’s the one getting tossed?
On that note, So and Doritos and their fanny packs go for a very short walk so Doritos can inform So that she is not being invited to the holiday sleepover in the Berkshires and will instead be invited separately for a quiet, alcohol-free nap or something. Why does Doritos always sit down like a linebacker who needs space for his junk? So unloads on Doritos how hurt she is by Mo and how that horrible two-faced bitch is always talking shit about her to the other girls. This is why Doritos is not going to invite So to the overnight; to “protect” So from this sort of shenanigans. So is “blown away”; she insists the girls like her and she’s the life of the party and Mo is ruining it so SHE should not be invited. But So also realizes that she blew it big time with The Queen by starting her ripoff prosecco line and the bread is not buttered on her side.
The Kountess invites a select group of friends, which conspicuously does not include her roomie So but does include Doritos and Julie Toothpick, to meet her Snuffelupagus boyfriend, Tom. Not that anyone needs to be introduced to Tom, because he’s been around, having previously dated Mo, now known as The Troublemaker, and apparently also known So biblically, but who hasn’t? And it was Doritos herself to introduced Tom and Lu by phone this past summer, when he swooned for her sexy phone voice. BFJ, who has a total hard-on under the table, giggles and wants to know if Lu’s voice came through the phone all “moist” on Tom’s cheek. CRICKETS. Anyway, they were introduced then but didn’t start dating until right before Thanksgiving and now they are inseparable. Which means they’ve been screwing for maybe three weeks at this point because it’s allegedly pre-Christmas still when this scene was filmed.
Off we go to the Berkshires! Mo is first to arrive with her ratty little dog and without having phoned ahead to have an HVAC unit rudely delivered. The Berkshires are Doritos’ “sanctuary”, and she does not want tension, so it’s really setting a bad tone that she has to spend a whole lunch alone with Mo at this point. And that was before Mo’s dog crapped all over the house.
Doritos tells Mo about The Kountess’ Snuffleupagus boyfriend and Mo has her suspicions as to his secret identity, having clearly been jilted by him herself. She sniffs that it’s very uncool for Lu to be dating this man and not to have even inquired to see if Snufflupagus and Mo are still involved. I don’t think Mo seriously needs to be asking that question.
And so Mo sulks in the living room while The Kountess and Julie Toothpick arrive and are greeted by Doritos. The Kountess scolds Mo for her lack of manners and gives her a Kountess Klass in proper behavior when a guest arrives when you are also a guest. Julie shares that her dad is in the hospital which, combined with her nanny quitting, makes her feel like she’s losing herself. Oh dear you delicate flower. Also, Doritos mother made her a homemade birthday cake, which is cute.
Done scolding Mo, The Kountess lays into Doritos for not inviting So, who is “so upset”. Doritos is not budging on this one, because now that she’s a veteran she knows how to pick her lane and clearly So is marginally FOH this season. And if it was so wrong of her, why isn’t it wrong for Lu to have come and left her roomie behind? Lu, flustered, chatters about how there’s an applicable social exemption because it’s Doritos’ birthday, except it’s not. Oops. Doritos firmly believes it would not be good for So to be around “alcohol and tension”, meaning Queen B. Lu thinks they should be thrown into a cage match. Mo thinks so needs to take care of herself, stop with all the “silly” businesses, and eliminate all the untrustworthy people she surrounds herself with, which is about the most reasonable thing Mo Singer has ever uttered.
Just then, the Queen Herself blows in. Lu laughs that she’s copying the Kountess’ hair; The Queen narrows her eyes to slits and tells The Kountess that she’s copying the mantle. Queen B tells all that So is barraging her with texts; “you can imagine what it’s like for me,” pipes up Lu, which seems rather disloyal. Lu shares that she’s just living with So to keep her company and try to “mentor” her, which earns a barking HA HA HA from the Queen. “It’s the blind leading the deaf!” she howls. Lu is rightly offended. Beth insists she cannot be less threatened by So’s prosecco, but she’s furious that So tried to barnacle herself to Beth to get attention for herself. But of course so does Lu, who has told anyone who will listen that she gave The Queen the idea for Skinnygirl. Uh oh.
Next time: while So’s getting her nether regions zapped, Lu is taking it from all angles between Mo and The Queen. And Doritos finally snaps and throws all the bitches out! GO Doritos! Till then…