We pick up where we left off, with that giant sucking sound when Everyone Hates Meghan calls The OG, Vic Gunvalson, a “bitter old lady”. You know she wanted to say “hag”, but chickened out. Voice Of Reason 2015 Lizzie Rovboobs butts in to reason with EHM, pleading that Vic has been asking her to JUST STOP TALKING and that this whole subject – Donn2’s Snuffleupacancer – is just none of her business. Shannon agrees that it is time for EHM to Zip. It., but EHM can’t, because “she cares”. She cares so deeply about someone she’s only met twice, because she feels the weight of the needs of ALL CANCER VICTIMS on her frail little shoulders.
Heather understands why EHM cannot contain herself when it comes to the Snuffleupacancer. She knows that for EHM, who claims to care about ONE person with cancer, it’s unconscionable for someone who could have some ghastly treatment not to want to do it. Listen, bitches; it’s unconscionable for someone to decline viable treatment for a child who cannot make their own decisions. (Maybe there are some who disagree with that, but I think there’s an obligation to pursue the most scientifically-sound course when it comes to kids.) It’s NOT unconscionable for an adult person who has cancer to decide he’d rather do coffee colonics or sit in a quiet corner thinking pleasant thoughts if that’s what he thinks he wants to do. Donn2 does not have an obligation to the cancer patients of the world, nor to EHM.
Vic has had enough and has left the room, boohooing and meowing loudly from the echoing canyon of the construction zone about how much she misses her mama and how she’s not talking to anyone else nor does she want to see EHM Ever. Again. Good luck with that. Heather tries to speak quietly and slowly to EHM about how while it’s understandable she would want someone who has options to want to use them, Vic does not want her help and leave her alone. “Vicki is a bitch,” responds EHM. “She’s mean – she’s not listening to me!” Girl, I’m not listening to you, either! Lizzie points out that EHM isn’t listening to Vic either, seeing as she couldn’t care less about how upset she is. EHM crosses her arms and huffs insolently.
Meanwhile, Heather and Tammy, separately, remark quizzically on how ‘over the top’ Vic’s reaction is. Really? She’s confronted by a perfectly awful person demanding explanations as to why another adult, with whom she may secretly disagree, is choosing one course of care over another, hot on the heels of her mother suddenly dropping dead and under a general cloud of suspicion and distrust? I’ve blown my top at far less.
Vic leaves, and Heather returns to the table to reassemble the shattered dream of this luncheon. It was just the ‘wrong timing’ for EHM to confront Vic about Donn2’s treatment options at this ‘lovely luncheon’. Or: it was a big fat filthy mistake to invite these cheap floozies to a claptrap pile of dirt, nails, and loose boards and try to pretend it’s some upscale ladies-who-lunch extravaganza. Exhibit A: Tammy attempts to salvage the mood by announcing that she and Eddie have made a sex tape to launch their new YouTube channel, and are inviting everyone to come to a sex party to check it out! Sounds kinky boots!
Shannon goes to see Dr. Moon, who tries to align her long-suffering liver with her belly button and her left bunion. He diagnoses her with Resentment and suggests she do angry eye exercises. Oddly, EHM does not show up to yell at Shannon about her choice of holistic treatment for her Resentment, a malady from which EHM herself suffers, deeply.
Vic has dinner with Son Mike. Mike has fled the OC for the safer, Woo-Hooless territory of San Diego. He’s almost 30, he’s still working for Mom, and he’s slightly less sassy if he does continue to call his mama on her shit (which, let’s be honest, someone has to do). Vic talks some more about Mama, and Mike sensibly points out that it’s not like she was orphaned pre-puberty; she’s a menopausal grandmother herself, and Mama lived to be 83 which is a reasonably long life (and departing at that point probably spared her some of the indignities of extreme old age). Regardless, Vic likes this child because he is on good terms with Donn2, unlike Someone Else We Know Who Is The Only Person We Know In Oklahoma.
It’s time for SEX! Are you ready? Let’s do it! Break it down!
Are we really supposed to believe that Tammy and Eddie planned this sextravaganza? I call bullshit. Especially as Tammy reveals her surprise and delight at the various details: the sex swing (this is surprising? Of course there is a sex swing), the kinky photo booth, the dildos here there and everywhere. Tammy wants this to be a great, sexy party, so she has commanded that Thou Shalt Speak Of The Snuffleupacancer.
Shannon has returned from Dr. Moon’s office and she is tired. Tired of lying down, tired of working on her Angry Eye Exercises. Dr. Moon told her she needs to get her Resentment out, so she unloads her disappointment with her 51st birthday on Mr. Shannon. Now it’s Mr. Shannon’s turn to be pained and tired, and damn, is he TARRED. Tired of trying, and failing, to make Shannon happy; he really thought she wanted to go to a sports bar for her birthday! Damn him for being an asshole again! (Well, he is a bit of an asshole with this martyr thing he keeps doing.) Shannon feels she is entitled to Time. Time to HEAL! I agree she is, but only if she’s actually working on moving forward and not on wallowing.
Another couple having some marital tension is – bing! – the Edmonds! They get snippy in the car en route to the sex party. EHM is wearing a studded bra and a purple wig, and Grumpy Cat is wearing: chinos. Tammy thinks EHM looks like “Slutty Heather”; you can easily tell them apart because Grumpy Cat is wearing a generously-cut white blouse whereas Dr. Terry only wears black and slim-fit. Everyone else is in: wigs, except OG Vic, who arrives wearing a sleeveless white lace cocktail dress that EHM snipes is meant to send the message that she’s an angel, when “what she’s actually saying is I’m an asshole” for refusing to get on board the costume party theme, complete with two birds flipped. Classy.
The Judges kick things off by screening their “sex tape”; in case you missed it or really, really want to watch it again, here it is:
Oh, ha ha! It wasn’t REAL, you guys! I guess if we want real Judge sex we’re going to have to watch the soft porn bath again. (No thanks.)
Once that’s over, the caterers wheel out a stretcher with a live, naked woman on it covered in sushi. Yes, a naked lady wearing raw fish. That’s how we’re serving the apps, and that’s SEXY, in case you didn’t get the point.
On another totally not sexy topic, Tammy is planning to go see a “pasture” about getting baptimatized! What? says husband Eddie? Yep! She’s gonna get baptimatized by a pasture – look out for the cow patties! This is the first Eddie has heard of the baptimization plan; Tammy hasn’t told him about it because he called her a “Jesus freak” the last time she mentioned The Lord. Eddie says he said that because he had no idea she was even into religion, but if that’s the case he will support her. He doesn’t think getting baptimatized is weird because Tammy does “fucked up shit” all the time so how can this really stand out? Indeed. Tammy apologizes to the camera for calling Assy Bellino “Jesus Jugs”; it was not nice – to Jesus Christo El Hombre.
Just then, someone notices that H. Dubrow is copiously bleeding from her stomach. H. tries to downplay the hemorrhage, but Tammy and Vic scoot her off to the bathroom where she reveals that she is wearing maxi pads duct taped to her body to absorb the blood because: she did some weird beauty treatment involving leeches where she put them on, let them suck, and then squeezed the blood all over her face. It brightens, tightens, and endows a youthful glow! WHAT?!
For fuck’s sake. EHM comes into the bathroom to change clothes because her nips are popping out, and no one pays attention to her.
Out of the bathroom, Shannon comes up to give OG Vic a birthday hug (where’s Vic’s birthday hug for Shannon?) and EHM lines up for one, too, and also for the apology she thinks is due to her. This is going to end well, predicts Tammy, who knows Vic always has to have the last word. Vic tries to stalk off, but EHM brings in Grumpy Cat, of all people, as reinforcement and tells him the old lady told her she had “evil eyes”.
Grumpy Cat tells OG Vic that he has seen his wife “in action” and knows she’s perfectly awful, but in her defense she wasn’t attempting to assert that Donn2’s Snuffleupacancer is fake because The Psychic said so – that would be hearsay! No, she was simply expressing concern that Donn2 is not seeking the best available treatment, but it’s neither her business nor Grumpy Cat’s so EHM is arguably well-intended but needs to lay off; on this, the grownups agree. “Let’s go,” he commands EHM. “You are birdbrained,” EHM snaps at OG Vic. “‘Bye, Felicia!” OG Vic waves at EHM. What is this “‘Bye, Felicia” bullshit? It is running a close second to “all the feels” on my Top 5 Most Irritating Words or Phrases lexiconometer.
Vic chases down Grumpy Cat and keeps going after EHM. She demands to know what exactly he would do if someone was accusing him that Leanne’s Cancer was fake. He replies that he would storm into the oncologist’s office, demand the files, and throw them in the face of the person making the accusation, because HIPAA does not apply to Grumpy Cat, Wall Smasher. “Talk to me in five years when you are divorced,” snaps OG Vic. Now that’s not nice, but it is looking like it’s coming along sooner rather than later because Grumpy Cat commands EHM not to put him in that position again, to “zip it”, to “let it go”, and to get the hell in the car. EHM complies, but not without muttering that OG Vic is a “con artist”. Damn that child is tiresome.
Next time: we’re off to see the Wizard of Oklahoma City and check out the tornado shelter! The Beador kids try to salvage their parents’ marriage, H. Dubrow has an issue about something insignificant, Eddie finds out Tammy is supporting Son Ryan, and Brianna and Vic throw down over Donn2. I’m not gonna lie; I am a lot more excited about Ladies of London than I am about this shitshow.