We’re fizzling to an end, people! One more episode left in which we will finally see what made Aviva drop her leg. Was it a weapon, or more like a threatened iguana dropping its tail? We shall see… or actually not really “we” because I will not. Off to the lake we go! Bravo-free for two weeks; hope our own drama fails to measure up.
Anyway: we rejoin our Manhattanites in action with Holla in conference with Radzi’s two assistants – they have multiplied! – planning Radzi’s 50th birthday extravaganza while she is in the UK on her book tour. And oh, the extravaganza it will be. The theme is “Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil” which no one explains was a 1994 bestseller about a murder trial in Savannah, Georgia and all its accompanying social intrigue.
Maybe you knew that and even read the book – I did – but if not, I imagine you got a decent case of “what the hell is going on here?” from the planning. Which involves: snake charming, glossy red apples, butterflies, and a man walking an invisible dog. Radzi has very specific requests about all the details except the food and drink which she leaves to Holla because “food’s not her thing”, which should be obvious by looking at her. Whereas looking at me, one immediately thinks yes, food is her thing. I note that this is a Holla production. NOT a Sonja In The City production. Sniff sniff.
Speaking of So, she and Harry Pickle are at a fancy pet store looking at a puppy. See, they are considering getting “more committed”, and So thinks getting a puppy will at least buy her 18 years. What dog lives 18 years? If that’s how old Millou was I can only imagine the smell. This is all oh-so-believable, isn’t it? Us Weekly doesn’t think so.
Whatever. Speaking of commitments, the Taekmans are visiting a therapist. Mr. Kristen is willing to go because he is 100% certain this person is going to tell Kristen that Mr. Kristen is 100% right about everything and to back off. This place doesn’t look like a law office, it looks like a “coworking” office where people pay to use the receptionist and have a pretend office to meet in when they see clients. Therapist guy ushers them to an empty, clinical workspace and tells them The Doctor Is In. Kristen and Mr. Kristen offer their complaints (she: he never puts her or their kids before work; he: she is “anxiety ridden about minutia”). The Doctor advises them that they need to talk to each other in more productive ways, such as using “I” rather than “you” statements, not interrupting, not being accusatory, and not labeling. The Taekmans feel much better. Damn, this was easy!
Aviva takes a Boston Marathon bombing survivor to her prosthetic clinic to get a new leg made, free of charge. Which is all wonderful, and the best part is this is all we see of Aviva all night.
It’s finally time for Avery Singer to go to college, even though she actually left weeks ago and we’re just editing this in now to wrap things up with a bow. Avery has a hissy fit about packing and Mo has a on-the-bed-in-Morocco-style meltdown when it’s actually time to drive off to the airport. “Don’t give me those eyes,” says Avery, on behalf of us all. Goodbye and good luck, Avery Singer.
So goes out to dinner with her “mystic”, a gay dude in a tweed jacket armed with tarot cards. He predicts that her cash balance will increase, her home will be “balanced”, and there’s a brunette woman devil in her inner circle. So cannot imagine who that might be! Radzi? Lu? Is Holla a brunette or not? On the fence.
Party time! Holla looked a little flummoxed by details in the afternoon, but as Radzi says that girl can get shit done and in the end she does, other than neglecting altogether to order water and killing the butterflies instantly. Oh, and no snake because it violates health code and the city wouldn’t issue a snake permit. Apparently guests were directed to dress either chic in black as Evil (Kristen, Mo, Lu) or dowdy and dumpy in white as (Good) Holla, So). The birthday girl herself will wear red!
So first things first: no Pepe to be seen because he and Lu have broken up. She’s shattered about it which doesn’t impress SoMo. Mo thinks “time apart” is a wussy excuse, and So is pissed off that Lu never told her they were having problems. Because that hurts So! And besides, she told Lu in the first place he wasn’t a forever guy anyway, so if she’s upset it’s her own damn fault for not listening to her drunken blather.
So at this point is an expert about men, not only because she’s slept with half the city but because she and Harry Pickle are Getting Serious. So serious that he tells her he really wants to be with her, not just horizontally, and presents her with a “promise ring”; a large cocktail ring that we barely catch a glimpse of before it disappears and certainly no price tag posted. This is extremely unusual for pricey gifts on Housewives – normally we get a lingering closeup, specs (carats, clarity, etc.) and a very prominent PRICE. Not so here. Somehow I feel like So picked this up off HSN years ago, shined up the band with a silver Sharpie, and gave it to Harry Pickle to ceremoniously present to her on camera.
And not only do we not get a good look at it at this point, but we never see it again. SoMo huddle in a dark corner so So can call attention to Mo’s large engagement ring (important since by now rumors were rampant that Mario had spent his summer getting itchy pickle in the Hamptons) and then tell Mo about The Promise Ring which she immediately stuffed into her Sharpie-enhanced purse. Mo thinks this is a bad sign. An even worse sign is that Harry Pickle, across the room flirting with his other former lover Kountess Lu, disappears without So. With Lu? Find out next time on As The Leg Hurls!
P.S. no finale recap next week. Sorry. I’ll make it up to you, I swear.