“That CBS Smell” 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 5 Recap

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Mo Umansky attempting to waterski! And not really very well, but at least marginally better than Yo mounted on her bagel. Back on the boat, Yo is fretting in her Baywatch suit and literally counting the seconds until she can get the hell off this damn second-rate yacht and get her Dutch ass on a plane back to L.A. to deal with #2 child Bella and her DUI. Goddamn Champagne O’Clock. Per Yo, Bella was at a friend’s beach house and after having “A” glass of wine felt she needed to go to a nearby gas station, and that’s how she was arrested. Mmm hmmm. At 4 a.m.. With a 0.14 BAC. Yes, people awake at 4 a.m. have had a mere casual glass of wine, and their visits to the gas station are prompted simply by a need for nachos, Slurpees, and lottery tickets. Nothing to see here! No, Bella is an extraordinary, mature person who made a mistake. Just ask her mother.

Whatever. Anyway, Yo is at this point suffering through the remainder of her vacation with the Umanskys with clenched teeth, as frankly are the Umanskys themselves. Mopsy and Cottontail seem terrified to speak. Kyle is trying to keep her family-perfection glee tightly controlled. You can practically see the thought bubble over Yo’s head populated with “you just wait for that Lil’ Portia to turn 17 you smug bitch!” More wine? says Mo.

Back in Malibu, Eileen Davidson is flirtily sparring with her mullethead husband, making milkshakes for her kid, and running lines with her niece/nanny, because she’s returning to Y&R, you guys! Yes, she came back to Days, but sensing the swiftly-decreasing viewership has fled to the more stable ratings of The Young and the Restless, which I’ve always understood to be the soap opera powerhouse. There aren’t a lot left anymore… Eileen and son Jesse hop in her sporty Ford Flex to zip down to CBS for rehearsals. Eileen loves the soap opera lifestyle because she can bring her kid to work, evidenced by a photo of herself breastfeeding in the makeup chair long before Gisele ever did it. Back when I was a Days watcher I was always certain Eileen was actually an Edward, so this display of functional reproductive bits raises my eyebrows. Jesse recalls the distinct smell of CBS with nostalgia. Ah, CBS. Where the smell of Dan Rather lingers.

Lady Pump is back at Chateau Pinko getting packed up for Palm Springs. One of the newer housekeepers has mistakenly washed Giggy instead of his suits and brings him in all wrapped up in a fluffy towel and outraged, telepathically commanding Lady Pump to fire this incompetent nincompoop on the spot. So now Giggy has to go to Palm Springs in dirty pajamas. Mr. Lisa drags five hard white suitcases down the stairs and past the aggressive swans to the getaway vehicle. No LL Bean duffle bags here.

Yo has landed back in LA and shows up at GHDF’s recording studio with an old-school picnic basket to share lunch with Her Love. Yes, this gal streaked back to LA and rather than holing up with her recently-arrested daughter and dragging her to Jesus, Yo instead visited her fancy fridge and assembled a casual, portable meal in a wicker basket. No drive-thru Wendy’s bags here. Yo explains that she needs a little “time to digest” things before confronting Bella, so she’s going to digest by fawning all over her giant ego of a husband and crooning in his ear what a great stepdad and perfect dad he is. Priorities! GHDF attempts a line of analysis by telling her that Dr. Phil (known in my house as Dr. Feel) says “middle child syndrome” is real, which Yo curtly dismisses. There will be no talk of Bella being lost in the shuffle and therefore acting out here.

I cawn’t take it. Must picnic.
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The Glands is recording her podcast with guest Vivica A. Fox, also now known as “Ghetto Barbie”, not to be confused with Vivica The Fox. The Glands is wearing the first loose garment I have ever seen on her, what appear to be a pair of leopard-print PJs, and is giving modulated, family-friendly behavior a further go by trying to ease up on the swearing, but her guest is not cooperating and keeps turning the conversation in unseemly directions. So The Glands gives up, theorizing that no one is going to download a clean podcast anyway. I think the reason we’re seeing so much of The Glands At Work is because no one will film with her. And Mr. LeeAnn won’t let her film with the kids so they don’t have many options.

The Blonde One’s wedding is imminent, so the Umanskys are jetting back to LA the day before (nice planning skills) and Kimmy and her ill babydaddy Monty are getting mani/pedis. Kimmy reminisces about her life with Monty as a child bride and how even though the actual marriage only lasted two and a half years they have still always been best friends as Monty drifts back and forth to Las Vegas; apparently he is a professional poker player and “heir to a supermarket franchise”, whatever exactly that means. Monty seems like he’s got more problems than just cancer.

The Pumps arrive in Palm Springs at an estate, the name of which I just missed, that they apparently visit frequently as the butler was armed and ready with a glass of iced vodka for Lady Pump. Lipsey Rinna is not far behind, as are a cadre of Lady Pump’s preferred gays, because part of why she’s being honored by Palm Springs is because of her support of the LGBT community. Lady Pump informs us that none of the other Housewives were invited because she only invited her friends and they aren’t that. Lady Pump seems to have shrewdly determined that she can marginalize Housewives she doesn’t like by refusing to film with them, thereby denying them a storyline. Oh, Glandsy, you is screwed.

At dinner, which is attended by Rocio and Giggy on a special puff, one of the gays makes a flattering toast to Lady Pump which she brushes aside with faux modesty by asking Lipsey to change the subject to something about her sex life. Lipsey takes this as an invitation to do a brief stand-up routine about Brazilian waxes and what is pubic hair for, anyway? “Keeps bugs out of the bush,” replies Lady Pump. Technically, I think it keeps bugs IN the bush and NOT in the valley, but I know what she’s getting at and I often wonder the same thing, although not out loud at dinner.

It’s wedding morning at the Umanskys and everyone is running around in an idiotic panic because it’s like 3 a.m. their time in Spain, you guys! They’re so tired, these jetsetters! This is such bullshit. Like they couldn’t have planned their vacation schedule a little more intelligently. EGADS the mountains of spackle in Kyle’s bathroom! I love products but what in hell does she do with all that shit? Christ. Of course they are theatrically late. And of course Mopsy and Cottontail are wearing shrunken Modcloth-type vintagey dresses like all the kids like these days. They look pinched.

Meanwhile, it’s Walk of Stars day in Palm Springs! The Pump kids have finally arrived; here’s Pandy with her charming, perfect husband, and unfortunate Max who got the day off from bussing tables at SUR and left his much-older cougar girlfriend at home. Lady Pump has a fluffy robe wrapped over her pink satin nightgown, which completely dazzles Lipsey who sleeps in a ratty old t-shirt and has changed into a sparkling Kyle For Alene Too caftan before coming down for coffee. Apparently we all need one of those for swanning about in the summertime.

The event is held on a big pink carpet and is attended by about 20 Housewives superfans all in pink. Lipsey wears the aforementioned caftan. Lady Pump, to their tremendous disappointment, is in all black, which is not only surprising but also stupid considering how extensively she has complained about the prospect of heat in the desert sun. Black won’t help that. Lance Bass gives a welcome speech and asks if people can see his nipples through his shirt. Klassy. Lady Pump drawls a thank you and expresses her delight that her star is next to Sonny Bono. Top notch! The end.

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Wedding time! It’s at Kathy Hilton’s house in the backyard and nice and all, but these kids are really, really young to be getting married. Kyle is the only Housewife to attend, because she’s family, obviously, but also because this is not a real Housewife event. Actually, are there any guests in attendance? No one other than Kyle’s family and Kathy Hilton are really shown. Is this a real wedding? It’s lovely, seems happy, I’m sure all-you-can-eat Fatburgers were served, but generally something is off about it. I get the idea that it was sort of rushed because of Monty’s illness but as this was filmed in July and he’s still kicking at Christmas I am having a hard time buying that as the explanation for everything.

Next time: it’s a hometown visit with Lipsey Rinna; ALL the Wives are actually getting together in person; and The Glands throws it down with Lady Pump.

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“I Only Want To Boss Around Cool People” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 7 Recap

We pick up where we left off in the 2’s apartment, where Stassi, K2, and one of the anonymous brunettes are gnashing their teeth over T2 smooching some random two years ago, when who pops through the door but T2 himself, bearing tulips! One each for Stassi and Anonymous (because you can’t forget the Princess) and the rest of the bunch for K2. And he’s wearing a tank top, which is appalling enough, but to really spice things up this tank top has pastel stripes. I always have thought there’s nothing that heebs me out more than a man in a tank top, but now I am thinking a skinny man in a pastel tank top may be the living end, and not in a good way.

T2 moans that his nerves are shot from having been confronted with this allegation. His nerves are shot? K2 got yelled at, by Jax. T2 helpfully informs them all that Jax has now acknowledged he made up the whole sex-party-in-Vegas thing, which causes Stassi to completely lose it. Stassi decrees that T2 needs to eliminate Jax from his life, which T2 doesn’t feel is completely necessary because he doesn’t take Jax all that seriously – he’s just there for entertainment, basically. “Katie is basically a lesbian right now, because she’s not dating a man.” And so Princess Stassi tells T2 to get out, and he goes. Stassi informs K2 that T2 shalt cut that meddling Jax from his life, and she’s going to have to make him feel like he’s losing her in order to get it done.

Back at SUR, Lady Pump and Pirate Peetah are gearing up for Gay Pride Day, always a big event at the Pump venues. This year they are bailing on the parade float because there was too much going on getting PUMP opened up and are instead going all in on getting people into their restaurants, boozed up, and spending cash like water. Anonymous #3 rolls in with her best friend, the improbably-named Vail, who is looking for a job. (Actually, Vail is probably a more likely SUR name than Kristen and Katie. I used to get my nails done in a place where all the manicurists had these very exotic names; one finally explained to me that because there were like 30 manicurists they all had to pick fake soap opera names like Chantal and Georgina so they could be told apart, and her name was actually Nancy, or something like that. Wouldn’t you expect the same of SUR?)

So Vail, who is very attractive in a not-cheesy-LA sort of way, is apparently a Princeton graduate (?!!!), a recovering drug addict, and a struggling actress, all of which let her to conclude working for Lady Pump would pay the bills and get her a little exposure without jeopardizing her sobriety or causing everyone she has ever known to permanently dismiss her judgment. So here she is. You’re hired, says Lady Pump, who advises her against “intercompany dating” which won’t be too hard since everyone is pretty well lined up already, well, except Jax, who declares that he is “going to sleep with her probably”. I can’t wait until that doesn’t happen.

pleased to meet you. Let me hump your leg.
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The 2s go out to a fancy date night dinner, having experienced a “wake-up call” and realizing they have gotten super lazy. K2 announces that she “mostly hates Jax” and demands that T2 eliminate him. T2 says that’s not realistic given their social circles, and that regardless Jax is “frivolous”, rather than “malicious”, so why can’t they just ignore him? He may be frivolous but he’s loud and annoying in his frivolity, so I’d want him banished to Scheanaland forever, too. The 2’s go home and {gasp} HAVE SEX. With each other!

whee! we did it!
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Time for Gay Pride! Lady Pump is sweating it out in a completely ghastly pink tie dye bejeweled super-cleave chiffon maxicaftan from Alene Too By Kyle, and all the SUR staff are getting professionally spray painted and made up which is the kind of thing Scheana just can’t get enough of, adding the tailfeathers of live, endangered flamingoes to her elephantine eyelashes. Stassi, who is unemployed and apparently lacks a hobby, swings by PUMP where the real action is to berate T2 some more about Jax. Lady Pump pops over to say hullo and tells her she can go to SUR because it’s low-key there today and “safe”, even though Jax is on the premises. Stassi suggests Lady Pump schedule herself a brunch with The Glands. Take that! Stassi rolls on over and somehow misses Jax, who has left SUR to check things out at PUMP, on the street between the two.

SUR is in fact low in the excitement factor today, and everyone is grumbly that PUMP down the street is attracting all the clientele. Horshack is in back in his SUR t-shirt, emblazoned with a photo of all the kids, listening to K1 whine with excitement that she just has to go to SANdoval’s apartment to get her mail, again. She’s so burdened by this, really she is. Horshack is getting a little testy. Then, K1 goes to the bar to collect a load of drinks and ventilate some wistful nonsense on Ariana about how Ariana’s now living the life she , K1, used to live, not because she’s SANdoval’s new girlfriend but because now she’s getting cheated on by him, K1 just knows it. And – SNAP! – also, when she comes over to talk to SANdoval about bills, Ariana doesn’t have to, like, be right there. I believe we are witnessing a psychotic break in progress, folks.

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Lady Pump and Pirate Peetah roll up to SUR in the pink PUMPmobile, and are all surprised that business has dropped off. Maybe it’s because there’s a big fat gay club that just opened right around the corner.

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Stassi ignores K1, who is trying too hard to pretend they are on normal terms, and is introduced to Vail, who initially impresses her as fabulous until she realizes Vail is the newest SUR hostess. Scheana in her flamingolashes tries to talk back to Stassi and gets shut down for the fiftieth time this season. Stassi is all too fine letting Scheana take on the losers for her crew because Stassi has taken all the cool kids to boss in the schoolyard pick.

A new day dawns at Horshack’s unexpectedly above-average apartment, where K1 is getting dolled up in a low-cut, snapping-turtle length cocktail dress to go over to SANdoval’s to pick up her shit for the fiftieth time. Horshack sadly questions why she is putting weird powder in her hair for this. I get why she wants to look good, but wouldn’t a simple sundress or even a cute pair of yoga pants do just fine and look less desperate? Over at SANdoval’s, T1 is doing some excessively-light housekeeping under the watchful eye of T2 The Enforcer in anticipation of K1’s weekly visit. It seems he kicked her out six months ago, but she only finally changed her address last week.

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K1 arrives, embarrassingly overdressed, and immediately launches into SANdoval for not responding to her texts. He doesn’t want to talk to her! Plus, that would amount to encouraging his stalker! K1 resumes haranguing SANdoval for banging Ariana, to which he responds “you’re the only one who thinks that”. Either that, or no one else cares, either way she’s obsessing. K1 insists she wants SANdoval to be happy, just not with her. We don’t care what K1 wants. “I felt trapped with you for six years, and now I just don’t want to be around you!” SANdoval shouts. Have it your way, K1 retorts, and stomps out. Somehow I don’t think that will be the end of that, even though it should be. Nearby, a rabbit boils. Afterward, Ariana stops by to pick the boys up for go-karting, because none of them have a valid driver’s license. Oh, STOP.

The Tres Amigas, Stassi, K2, and Anonymous #1, go to a cake decorating place. What in hell is this? Some place where they make the cake, you just festoon it with crap? They are making a gold cake for Pirate Peetah’s birthday. Whatever. Stassi announces that she has decided that Vail is assigned to the dork crew, and that K2 needs to make T2 unload Jax. Still on that tirade… K2 has had enough and halfheartedly suggests to Lady Hitler that if she can get over T2’s bad decision, surely she need not care who he is frivolously friends with? She has to let it go, she has decided. Lady Hitler has decided she shouldn’t.

So after the cake decorating party (which they appeared to leave without an actual cake), they roll back to the 2’s Place where Lady Hitler launches into T2 about Jax AGAIN. LAWD this is tedious! T2, who I am starting to think is the only person who makes sense in this shitshow, questions why Stassi is so invested in this aspect of the 2’s relationship and Jax’s behavior, which no one else can be bothered with, then quite reasonably tells Lady Hitler that she is “breathing life” into this whole fiasco and Jax’s level of importance, because if they all dismissed him it would be a big fat nothing. “He should be EXILED!” booms Lady Hitler. Christ. Girl needs a job; I am not sure she is qualified to hostess at SUR anymore given the elevation in prereq’s that has taken place of late.

Next time: Jax makes the predictable play for Vail. K2 and Lisa get into it over Jax. And K1’s SANdobsession reaches crisis proportions. Around and around the toilet we go….

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“You’re a Dirty Little Wink” 🍷 Project Runway All-Stars Season 4 Episode 6 Recap

I spent last weekend “coaching” my kid’s LEGO robotics team at the FIRST LEGO League regional tournament, so my PRAS recapping duties suffered. The giant albino guy got sent home after a terribly disappointing London challenge. Disappointing because I love London, and I love outerwear (which I never get to wear) and I just felt our designers missed the mark. But Fergie was there! Not the Black Eyed Pea, silly, the former royal, whose appearance caused it to dawn on me that these guests must get compensated for their appearances. ‘Cause when I think Fergie, I think “financial issues”. And Weight Watchers.

So this week we have a challenge in which the designers have to roll giant dice to find out what combination of textile and event they have to work with this week. Why can’t we use the button bag for this? I was waiting for someone to chuck a die at Tortured Soul’s head. Those pointy nails are just anathema to me. Anyway, the winner is going to have their look featured in Marie Claire in a shoot months in the future when Sam Micelli, who will wear it, is no longer pregnant, which means by then everyone will have forgotten this season altogether.

So much wrong here. Do not let this happen to you.

So much wrong here. Do not let this happen to you.

 

Some of our designers got off a lot easier than others this week. I think anyone who got brocade or masquerade ball is a bit screwed, which gives me a bit of hope because Tortured Soul got brocade! Yee hee hee! How are masquerade ball and awards ceremony supposed to turn out different from each other unless masquerade goes costumey? This is just not going to turn out to be a challenge in which I enjoy the results.

After the customary trip to Mood they are back in the workroom and things are a little dicey. Mullet does not think Purple Lips’ pink brocade (which I love) is actually brocade, and after conferring with Fabio and the Ice Dancer (who helpfully chants the fashion school definition of brocade like he’s Siri) deploys Fabio to deliver the bad news, which goes over like a bag of rocks. But Purple Lips switches over to her gold brocade, which she thankfully bought along with the pink. I’m not really sure that’s brocade, either, but the Ice Dancer doesn’t object. Also, Tortured Soul takes it upon herself to tell Rick Astley that his halter-and-tiny-skirt getup looks more club than brunch, and he gets all offended and tells her to beat it. Take that, Pointy!

Runway time! The Beautiful Georgina is back, and our guest judge is someone I’ve never heard of who has worked for basically everyone, including Gant, which means he knows slacks.

Our top three are Purple Lips, Mullet, and Tortured Soul. Oh, STOP.

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Are you kidding me? How did this happen? Tortured Soul’s crop top and slit-to-here sausage casing skirt are absolutely hideous, although Isaac likes it for some perverse reason. I would have eliminated her, no question. Doesn’t she do anything besides ultra-tight, heavily seamed evening gowns? I think I like Mullet the most of our remaining designers, although that’s a major concession because I don’t really like any of them all that much. Her work is interesting and original, but her color choices are so questionable. She always manages to make them work, though, in a pretty ugly sort of way. Purple Lips’ bachelorette party dress is the best, although Georgina tries to invent something to complain about. She wins.

Bottom three are the Fabio, the Deaf Guy, and Gunnar.

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Fabio got denim and masquerade ball, and after purchasing some Pepto pink denim (?) he worked up a totally run-of-the-mill column dress that looks like a heavy-duty pillowcase all darted together. Blah. The Deaf Guy did what he always does which is make something that was close to good if he only hadn’t done that one thing, which in this case was include sleeves. Without the sleeves it would have been much stronger, not to mention faster to execute, although still something from the JLo for Kohl’s section.

Gunnar decided his masquerade ball gown needed to have some concept to it (agreed), so he decided to be inspired by butterflies and used a really cool iridescent brocade. I hate brocade, personally, but if it’s what you have to work with I think he picked an interesting one. The judges do not like the fringey top he made with it although I like it; we’re in agreement that we don’t like the high-low skirt, although I have to say I really like the way it’s cut and floats. It’s very butterfly, and I personally would have given it high-ish marks, but the judges don’t like it and he’s auf’ed. Really questionable judging today. Like Sam would ever, in a million billion years, not have looked ghastly in Tortured Soul’s tacky tacky tacky getup. It looked like the least favorite outfit in Barbie’s costume trunk. BAD.

Next week: they’re designing for couples about to go out on their first date. Oh dear.

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“I Don’t Have a Family-Friendly Side” 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 4 Recap

You guys, Kyle is SO EXCITED to go yachting in Spain! So excited, in fact, that she stops by sister Kimmy’s craphouse to lord it over her and feign interest in the wedding attire. It seems that despite Kathy Hilton’s best efforts to derail The Blonde One’s bridal gown acquisition until at least one of her increasingly-irrelevant hobag daughters could find herself a willing victim, a nearly $10K (!!!) wedding gown was nonetheless secured, along with a shockingly-appropriate MOB costume for Kimmy. And despite the fact that the MOB costume looks alarmingly Blanche Deveraux on the hanger, it turns out to look perfectly beautiful on Kim. Unfortunately, two of Kim’s kids are sick in bed with the stomach flu, so Kyle flits about theatrically in her tiny kimono, using her bountiful hair as a medical mask. It’s so versatile! ANd she just CAN’T get sick – she’s going yachting in Spain!

Kyle’s not-so-much-friend, The Glands, is not going yachting anyplace; she’s going to a meeting at Podcast One HQ with the CEO himself, Captain Moobs. Among The Glands’ many income-producing efforts is now an occasional podcast, which Captain Moobs wants to see become more regular, and also a little more family-friendly to entice more advertisers. (It doesn’t seem to me that this is a problem for Howard Stern, but I suppose podcasting is not satellite radio in the same way that The Glands is no Howard Stern, King Of All Media. The Glands says she’ll give it a try. She’ll do anything once, as we know.

Back at Casa Umasky, there is a frenzy of unconvincing last-minute packing. It seems that Flopsy is being left behind to work, and Cottontail has gone on ahead for a spell in the South of France with family friends before meeting up with the rest of the family, so really Kyle is just needing to pack for herself and Lil’ Portia because shouldn’t Mopsy, who is going to college in a mere few weeks, be able to handle her own? Moe, as a man, I can understand packing at the last minute, because Mr. Little Mama rolls the same way. However, Kyle really should have lists and plans and have had this done yesterday. Doesn’t she have some ladysitter on staff for this kind of thing? This is ridiculous. Not nearly as ridiculous, though, as Mopsy’s traveling costume of 70’s sweats and Ugg bedroom slippers. Those are not outdoor footwear, Mops.

The Pumps visit the dog store to get new clothes for Giggy from the Betsey Johnson of the dog world. Mr. Lisa normally handles wardrobe, but Lady Pump is getting involved in this visit because she has nothing else to do. Giggy needs a lot of clothes because Giggy is terribly unhappy to be naked. We are going through all of this so that Lady Pump can tell us how much she loves babies and how the pressure is on poor Pandy. Also, it’s filler.

Speaking of filler, let’s get to know Eileen Davidson! That Eileen, she’s just so much fun. She’s married and has three boys (two of them adult stepchildren), and she and her husband bicker. Sounds very…. Oof-If! Egads, not that again! No, our Eileen is no Yo Adrienne because she’s wacky and a whole lotta fun, see. At Eileen’s a kid can Slip n’ Slide, whereas at Yo Adrienne’s if a kid who needs to take a leak pees on a magic tree there is gonna be blammo from Bernie the Enforcer.

I am having a hard time believing that daytime television has paid for this palatial Malibu pad, and it would seem it did not, as Eileen Davidson is married to her third husband Vince Van Patton, who she informs us was a teen idol before becoming a top-25 professional tennis player and now the head or host or something of the World Poker Tour. All of this means nothing to me; I just know his dad was the dad on Eight Is Enough. But what’s funniest to me about this is that this summer Mr. Little Mama and I attended a wedding where we met someone who we were told was Tom Cruise’s cousin (he did in fact look like a chubby TC); this is apparently a joke his friends like to play on him, he explained, but he IS in fact cousins with Vince Van Patton! Who? asked Mr. Little Mama. I explained the Eight Is Enough thing and that connected. So I guess some people think Vince Van Patton is a big deal; I’m more into Dick.

Anyway: the Umanskys have landed. THE UMANSKYS HAVE LANDED. They retrieve Cottontail and head out to the yacht, charmingly named the Champagne O’Clock. The boat is nice but it’s no OHANA. Kyle helpfully explains that Yo is going to be joining them soon; they have put aside their past differences and have moved on to adding her as the odd spare tire on their family vacation.

In fact, here she comes! In a white tank top and tiny Britney Spears-barefoot-at-the-gas-station cutoffs. Apparently after flying the Barbie Dream Jet to Turkey for a terribly romantic and significantly more upscale yachting adventure with Her Love, Yo spent a few days ladysitting her mother in Holland before ditching her for this excursion. Kyle and Yo go tubing on bagels, and Yo finds herself assuming the position for a Mediterranean enema. How does that even happen? It seems blue-lens Ray-Bans are big right now. I wish I’d known that before I bought my regular ones last week.

Back in the BH9, The Lisas are convening at Villa Blanca for lunch, and Lipsey is wearing my regular Ray-Bans so I am now feeling a bit better about things. Apparently Amelia and Bedelia are in Canada with Husband Harry, so Lipsey is liberated, and bored. So bored, in fact, that she’s game to go to 120 degree Palm Springs with Lady Pump to bear witness to The Lady’s walk-of-fame-star bestowage. They go shop for appropriate caftans.

Speaking of caftans, Kyle’s wearing her best hi-lo one, which makes her feel all Spanish and stuff, so she can go sightseeing with Yo, who’s wearing a peculiar apron over her swimsuit. Yo is thrilled to introduce Europe to Kyle, who traveled a lot as a child but for work so it didn’t really count. And Yo’s a real European so she knows all sorts of European Facts, like it took 400 years to build this cathedral, and street people like to swashbuckle.

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They lunch al fresco, which is a nice chance to Yo to explain that her mother is dying of uterine cancer and her dad died when she was 7 in a car accident. This is FORESHADOWING.

In greater LA, The Glands takes possession of her new car, a new-model white Range Rover to replace her old-model white Range Rover that I personally like better. Apparently she got a surprise fat royalty check from book #1 so she decided to splurge on a new car rather than the house she keeps talking about buying or the college educations she keeps talking about saving for. And she’s all excited, because this is the first car her dad didn’t have to co-sign for. Which is nice. But, priorities? She’d be just fine in a Camry.

Back in Mallorca, it’s become apparent that the Umansky Cruise isn’t actually going anyplace other than around the harbor in circles. Yo is prancing about in her bikini, steamrolling Umanskys and making a Yo sandwich. Kyle’s actually being shown in her bikini, too! And she looks pretty good, from what we can tell, although she’s mostly shot in crouching or fetal positions so it’s hard. And I do see a wee bit of back fluff, still. They bond over the fact that their second children are soon off to college, which will mean they won’t be able to control curfews or choices and stuff. “They are the best part of us,” declares Yo. Sniff sniff.

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And sure enough, just after coercing Kyle into leaping off the side of the boat, Yo gets The Call from GHDF informing her that her Best Part has gone and gotten herself a big fat DUI back in Malibu. And not just any DUI; Bella blew nearly twice the legal limit. Whoops. Yo is very disappointed in her choice. Very disappointed indeed. Especially as Yo’s dad died in a car accident. It seems GHDF had to bail Bella out. Doesn’t Mo do any parenting?

Next time: Yo’s still reeling, Eileen’s soapy, The Glands can’t clean up her mouth, Lady Pump gets her star, and it’s time for The Blonde One’s wedding! Already?

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Come Together, Not Literally 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 6 Recap

Maybe it’s generational, maybe it’s geography, probably it’s both, but man, these people are freaks. Stassi bursts into K2 and Tom2’s apartment to find K2 flat-ironing HIS hair for reasons that go somewhat ill-explained. They take a break from the babooning to serve their guest a frosty beer in a wine glass. Now I really love a wine glass to make any beverage more festive-seeming, but not for beer. Just, not. Tom2 is all antsy because he’s been called in to work at PUMP in several days and he’s nervous. Dude, you got problems. K2’s got problems, too, and shares with Stassi that after she bolted brunch Jax showed up and they got into it over these ridiculous dick motorboating allegations. I still want someone to explain to me how and why that would work. Stassi, always the smart broad in the room, demands to know how this friendship is benefitting Tom2. He can’t really articulate any good reason, he just likes him, and feels a bit sorry for him. Tom2 insists Jax has a heart in there somewhere, if teeny and black.

Meanwhile, K1 is over at Scheana’s bitching about K2 and Tom2’s relationship, a relationship in which she has no stake and over which she should have no concern. K1 justifies her obsession twofold: one, she’s mad that K2, who taught her to let go of grudges and even got a matching tattoo mantra with her to “let it be”, now won’t take her back as a friend. Two, it’s annoying that others can do the same shit she did and no one calls them on it. K1 figures the differentiating point is Stassi calling the shots, and wants an “adult conversation” with her. I think the differentiating point is that only K1’s extracurriculars involved fishing off the company pier and diverting attention with explosives set underneath other nearby docks, but K1 does not see it that way.

And so K1 texts Stassi and invites her to have a wine summit. Sure, says Stass. I love wine. And also, this is K1’s chance to provide a genuine apology. And if she starts forking around with the 2’s relationship Stassi will get a good shot at taking K1 down, which she enjoys and is out of practice at. Barking orders at Scheana to fetch RAMONA pinot grigio does not count.

At PUMP, Lady Pump is making plans for a Frontiers magazine party honoring 50 gay mayors, and she calls up the Toms to pass trays. T2 is thrilled because there is no thought or planning involved in passing a tray. SANdoval, on the other hand, is appalled. Tray-passing is demoralizing for someone of his advanced professional skills! And he’ll only do it if Jax has to do it, too. No problem, says Lady Pump. The Toms are totally confused as to what makes this event involving “50 gay men” special, so Lady Pump has to break out her Staten Island accent to express the word “MAY-ERS” intelligibly. Oh, mayors! Right!

Wine summit time. K1 is dressed for a summer picnic while Stassi is dressed for a winter excursion as the Gorton’s Fisherman’s flashing beacon. K1 starts off by telling Stassi she’s sorry for banging Jax and that she had “no malicious intentions”. She was just bored. Stassi accepts this. However, she wants to know why everyone is talking about K1 talking about taking the 2s down. K1 thinks it’s only fair that if she’s been outed and “exiled” as a cheater that others who cheat should suffer the same consequence, and wants to know which rumor Stassi is talking about, because there are two, one for each alleged cheater. Actually, there are two rumors about T2 cheating. In one, Jax claims T2 banged Jax’s Vegas girlfriend’s BFF. In the second, Scheana claims he made out with her friend. Stassi’s eyes narrow. I thought we had thoroughly and completely beat the horse of Jax being a liar and a meddling manipulator last season, no?

Speak of the devil and his unresolved issues, he’s again at the therapist showing off his new unchanged nose and baring his soul. It seems Jax has been having a lot of “good cries” lately. In fact, last week he watched The Green Mile and totally related to the character played by Omarosa’s tragically-deceased boyfriend, who was an angelic do-gooder just trying to serve the people. And that’s how Jax sees himself: he’s just an admittedly-35-year-old munificent trying to break up the 2s so they don’t end up like the 1s. See, he’s a GIVER!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!
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Having left K1, Stassi returns to K2 with a full report on the allegations against T2. K2 is totally unfazed and doesn’t believe her Tom has a cheating bone. Stassi thinks that if you surround yourself with shitty people you end up doing shitty things. Takes one to know one…

the couple that chews each others’ toenails…
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So it’s time for work at SUR. I nearly forgot that’s what this show is about! Lady Pump commands Jax to report for tray-passing at PUMP the next day and he’s irked, because he’s got the machine well-oiled at SUR, but whatever, he has no pride. K2 rounds up the two anonymous brunettes and tells them what was in the Stassi Report, while K1 conveniently stops by the bar and covers the same topic for the camera, transparently. “Jax, remember how you told me that T2 banged your girlfriend Tiffany’s BFF in Vegas, wink wink?” Jax’s eyebrows lower and he stares at her for a while before he figures out what he’s supposed to do now: backpedal. He didn’t actually SEE it. He’s just spreading rumors, because that’s what he does! In fact, K2 confronts Jax at the first opportunity and he does in fact deny, deny, deny he ever said he saw it happen in person so the grenade is back in K1’s court. K2 has had enough and asks Pirate Pete to let her go home early, and he does, so she goes back to the alley to film.

Now I’ve never been in an alley that doesn’t smell like trash and urine, but these kids at SUR just love to chill in the alley. K2 moans to the anonymous brunettes that everyone is LYIN’. K1 appears to insist no, Jax and Scheana both bore personal witness. Scheana rolls in to confirm that in her case, yes she did see T2 make out with one of her friends… two years ago. Christ, really? K2 is furious; K1 wants to drag everyone down to her lowest common denominator, even though no one else can ever achieve such bottom-feeding lows. It’s futile, K1.

T2 arrives in the Mini to spend another glorious evening hashing out bullshit in the smelly alley. Everyone else gives them some privacy, and K2 presents the allegations and asks T2 to respond. No, he did not bang Tiffany’s best friend, but actually yes he did make out with Scheana’s buddy. He was drunk, they’d had a fight, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. K2’s emotions roll. How can T2 have friends like this? Friends who announce it would bring them “great joy” to see T2 screw someone else in front of K2. Jax is summoned to the alley and deny deny deny he ever said such a thing, although yes he thinks T2 would have more fun if he was single. Jax needs a playmate!

The next day, T2 swings by Jax’s apartment, decorated with stolen SUR candles and magnets featuring slogans such as “be yourself is the worst advice you can give some people” to tell him to lay the fuck off. And if he doesn’t, T2 is going to smack him in the nose three times with a dildo. Jax acknowledges he made the whole thing up because he just wants T2 to give up K2 so they can skip around holding hands pin their nighties together. So that seems to be that about that.

It’s time to pass trays at SUR! T2 is now all nervous again because he’s had no sleep with all this drama going on, and to make matters worse Jax is fucking with him and breaking shit because his uniform shirt is too small for the big guns. Pew, pew! T2 isn’t mad at Jax anymore; “There’s a term for a guy who stays mad at another guy: a girl.” Aptly noted. And ladies and gentlemen: The Gay Mayors! One is in full drag and swings by to take a photo with Lady Pump, who observes s/he looks alarmingly like Mr. Lisa’s ex-wife. I know what she means.

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Meanwhile, Stassi, K2, and the Anonymous Brunettes are gathering for a chick pizza night. They don’t have crushed red pepper so will go with hot sauce, ick. They all agree that Jax should not be fighting with girls. It’s just wrong. However, Anonymous #1 ominously shares her fear that there will, eventually, be an “admission of sex” by T2. Girl, please. That guy does not do sex. I am sure of it.

Next time: well, I don’t know. More fighting and confrontations, I think. Meow meow meow!

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“I Get High Off Anything and Everything” 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 3 Recap

I am aware I missed last week’s recap altogether; there was a frenzy of Thanksgiving and musical beds in my house at the time, and frankly, nothing happened. Yo and Genius Husband David Foster ate chicken in their underpants; The Glands and Kimmy wore wigs and hid in hedges, pretending to stalk an ex-boyfriend; the Umanskys flew private to Tahoe; and The Glands apologized to Yo Adrienne without actually mentioning _______. See? I think we’re good.

We pick up with Lipsey Rinna in her crapper. She’s gearing up for her own birthday party, and her mama calls to wish her a good one. Lipsey is “over the 5″ and that’s all she’s gonna say about that. And even though Lipsey looks damn good for any age, let alone “over the 5″, she shares that having teenage daughters keeps her humble, and that she’s sure without children she’d be an intolerable narcissist. I know a few people for whom having children can’t keep the narcissism at bay, but for the most part I completely agree that having kids is the ultimate boo-checker. Anyway, into Lipsey’s closet we go, which is always a fun meet-the-Housewife move, and although Amelia and Bedelia think Mom should wear black and show no toe cleavage, she picks a bright violet shrink-wrapper and a pair of super-cleavey sandals instead. So there, girls. Later…

mama’s geared up and goin’ out
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At Yo’s, she’s in the kitchen sucking lemons and roasting more flightless birds when: Gigi’s home from college! Yo’s favorite child is back, for all of three days before heading off for a month in Europe to model. Because, remember, Gigi is a model (so they say; I haven’t actually seen her in anything other than on RHOBH). Even though she going to college and has an actual major (criminal psychology), she’s really not getting the college “experience” at all. She’s really a model. Big time. That’s her choice. Bella, on the other hand, is going to go to college and really do it, because she’s edgy. That’s her choice. And also, she’s the less attractive one. THERE I SAID IT.

I’m a crim psych major. For reals.
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It’s time to PUMP! Are you ready? Let’s do it! PUMP it UP! PUMP is where Lipsey’s birthday dinner party is going to take place because she’s incredibly close friends with Lady Pump. So close, in fact, that while hosting friends’ birthdays at her restaurants is really not fun because it’s, well, work, Lady Pump is doing it anyway. The celeb visit to the barely-open establishment with a lot of associated media attention can’t hurt, either. So Lipsey rolls in, solo, because Husband Harry is en route from Vancouver. Ah, the life of a thespian… The Umanskys arrive and Kyle immediately asks Lady Pump if her boobs are hanging out. Lady Pump says no. I say yes. Kyle needs to take this as an indicator of their relationship status. I mean, come on: you don’t wear a bra to cross right across the front of your deep-V jumpsuit. Some unimportant 4th couple shows up and it’s time to dig in.

Let’s have a dinner convo, friends, about marriage! Because: we’re all really married folks at this table! Lipsey and Harry have been married 17 years, the Pumps 32, and the Umanskys 19. At the time the Umanskys met, Kyle was engaged to someone who was relevant at the time and was 24 years older. Which basically means that however old Kyle is now, she still isn’t as old as this dude was at the time. That’s just wrong. Lipsey gets it because at the time she first met Husband Harry, he was married to Nicolette Sheridan, who was sort of a big deal at that moment. Lipsey was not, at that moment, for she was a lowly employee in a glasses store. I suspect that this initial meeting was more memorably for Lipsey than Harry. Anyway, Nicolette ditched Harry for an ill-fated relationship with the mortifyingly thong-on-a-bearskin-rug crooner Michael Bolton, so Lipsey landed Harry and got a chance to thank Michael Bolton later. Harry turns up and presents Lipsey with the Cartier trinity ring, which surely did not need that entire shopping bag to house it. The secret to Lipsey’s marriage? Porn.

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Speaking of porn, a friend is arriving at The Glands newest craphouse to help hang pictures, and The Glands greets her in a crochet caftan over a string bikini, which is always how I dress for home improvement activities. The Glands is thrilled with her new home, which probably costs a small fortune despite being your basic, uninspired West Coast ranch, but she’s still renting because Mr. LeAnn Rimes continues to hassle her for cash refunds now that she’s making her own money. I don’t practice family law but I don’t think it works that way, buddy. I hope The Glands has a good lawyer.

The Umanskys take Portia shopping in search of a storyline. They are about to head off on a family vacation on a chartered yacht off Spain, and are trying to keep Portia all grounded about this kind of thing even though she’s an experienced private flyer and is looking at getups emblazoned with slogans like “I left my Bentley in my other Louis Vuitton” and “My yacht is bigger than yours”. Kyle pretends she thinks it’s all awful and is only going to let Portia get two things, while Rumbly Mauricio plunks down $565 for this pile of crap and proudly announces how big his dick is these days.

Yo is having dinner with her #2 daughter, Bella, who’s edgy, remember? Edgy because she has dark hair and paints her nails dark and, well, just isn’t as attractive as Golden Gigi. Bella is attending Parsons next year and Yo makes some vague suggestion that if she wants to model she can, but… you know, Daddy Mo really wants college so maybe she should do that instead. Bella, who isn’t missing anything, actually asks her mom on camera how she handled this same conversation with Golden Gigi. Back of da HAND! Yo continues to insist Bella is so cool and independent and rebellious and old soul-y, and will also be spending the summer alone and unsupervised because Yo and GHDF are off to Holland and then hitting up the Umansky’s cruise. The catfeeder is loaded and set, #2 child.

see ya in a few months, my love
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Kimmy is wedding dress shopping with The Blonde Daughter, and sisters Kyle and Kathy show up to advise and insult the designer. It seems Kim’s BabyDaddy #1, sperm donor to The Blonde Daughter, is still Kim’s BFF and now has metastatic lung cancer. So he’s now living with Kim, who is caring for him, and they are racing through this wedding, which will no doubt be a central storyline event for the Richards Sisters for lack of other options.

Yo is back getting the final touches ready before she bolts Malibu and leaves Bella completely unattended. Her hair man is there to bleach her out, and her housekeeper feeds her a peeled and sectioned orange right there in the closet. After the houseman fetches a ladder and Yo collects her top-shelf goods, she and GHDF are off to Holland to visit her ailing mother as THE ONLY TWO PASSENGERS ON A CONVERTED 737. Oy, the fossil fuels! This is a whole different level of private transport than the flying minivan those silly Umanskys contracted out last week. Perhaps this explains why Chateau Yo is on the market. Chartering a 737 is no cheap operation!

Time to meet the new Housewife, people! Lipsey’s gonna make the introduction and we trail along for a patio lunch of iced tea and air where we meet: Eileen Davidson, best known (to me, at least) as Kristen from Days! Eileen and Lipsey met when Lipsey was Billie on the same show, and that’s about the time Marlena got possessed by the devil and I threw in the towel. Their idle chitchat essentially updates us on their CV’s; snore. “Let’s hang out and have fun more!” Lipsey announces enthusiastically, before declaring herself to be experiencing an iced tea high. I think they make a vape for that.

Finally, The Glands picks up Kyle for a hike. Uh oh. They stroll to a picnic table where they pick up their assigned task for today’s shooting: cold-calling Lady Pump to see if she’s gonna show for The Glands’ housewarming party and thereby establish that their unfriendship is intact. They catch Lady Pump and Mr. Lisa in the garden where Mr. Lisa has just planted nine rosebushes without the assistance of their Snuffleupagus gardener, and where – GASP! – Giggy MOVES! Scampers, in fact! Oh, what a relief. Sometimes I worry he’s dead and no one has noticed.

Anyway, Lady Pump is majorly tweaked to get this call. The Glands starts in with this self-pitying “I hope you’ll come and not keep being so mean as to insist I owe you anything or apologize because I know you won’t” yada-yada, and Lady Pump basically lays into her. The Glands has been too hurtful, too over-the-top, and spent the whole last season trying to bring down all Lady Pump’s friendships and she’s not gonna have it anymore. The Glands insists she wants to move forward without “kissing ass”, which is when her phone dies, so she calls back – on KYLE’S phone. Which is how Lady Pump realizes this is another “hike and spike the Pump” outing, snips that MAYBE she will RSVP, and hangs up to resume her lovely afternoon with Mr. Lisa. Kyle is in big trouble now.

ocrap!
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Next time: the Umanskys are in Spain, Eileen and her husband argue over a Slip & Slide, the Lisas activate their twin superpowers, and Yo gets some bad news. Oh, I wonder what that’s all about. Till then….

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The Curious Case of the Motorboated Crotch 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 5 Recap

Last night was one of those perplexing Pump Rules episodes (well, any reality TV, for that matter) where I can’t figure out whether the whole storyline was nonsense upon nonsense, or whether I had too much wine. (In the lead-in till my entirely-too-late 10 pm start I was occupied by catching up on my new favorite show, House of DVF, and giving myself a long-overdue mani-pedi while, yes, imbibing. I also realize my last recap got a little fuzzy on the details of the club scene at the end for essentially the same reason and I apologize. I will endeavor to do better, but it’s hard.

SO: Tom2 has decided to appease Katie (who I think of as K1, and will now begin calling such) by getting her (them, or so she thinks) a dog. See, she wants to get engaged, and have babies – or more accurately, Princess Stassi wants to get engaged and have babies, therefore K1 also now wants to get engaged and have babies. Tom2 is optimistic that the dog acquisition will buy him another year before he has to take the plunge, buy the ring, and start sleeping with her again. My dad once told me that a man getting ready to propose feels like he’s sitting in a cold bathtub with the plug pulled, watching the water circle around and around the drain and getting shivery-er and shivery-er by the mounting seconds until the inevitable. I really don’t get the feeling that Tom2 feels like that in the least. The dog is a dark gray poodle mix that comes with the name Gordo. Tom1 and Ariana, who have come along for the entertainment factor, get major snickers in. They, notably, do not also express a need for a dog, or jewelry, or babies. I am starting to have a lot of questions about this relationship.

Back at SUR, it’s daytime so the staff is stuffed into their hideous pink and purple day unis. Because Stassi no longer works at SUR and therefore has her days free, she’s stopped by to lunch with Lady Pump and torment Scheana, who she orders off to retrieve a pinot grigio. (Scheana tries to stiff her with a claim that they only had one chilled glass available, but Lady Pump gives the booze to Stassi and orders a tea as one would fully expect. Scheana is just not up to this game.) So anyway, what is Stassi doing for money these days? Well, nothing, so Lisa secures her services as a stylist for her upcoming gay mag cover. Although she’s not going to actually pay her for this work, just going to let her put it on her resume.

Jax’s nose drama over, he’s back at the doctor to get the giant plastic buttplug extricated and see how things look. They look: the same? He’s brought SANdoval along for the examination, because he can’t go anywhere alone he’s so needy, and SANdoval is wearing a curiously festive t-shirt featuring a lot of rainbow chevron detail. Tom2 was not available for this bromancy excursion because he’s springing Gordo on K1. K1 is excited, because this means soon she’s going to get a ring, and babies, and a better apartment just like Stassi’s right?! Jokes on you, bitch! Thank God she at least has moved past the Ronald McDonald stage.

Back at SUR, everyone’s working, you guys! Horshack is back, K2 and SANdoval’s suspensions have expired, Jax has recuperated sufficiently to sling drinks again, and they are all – ALL – assigned the same shift! Sadly Stassi has finished her RAMONA pinot grigio so we can’t have the long-awaited reunification with Jax just yet. Anyway, K2 arrives at the bar to fill an order and, seeing as Jax is wearing a piece of Scotch tape over his nose to call attention to the fact that he has ENDURED A PAINFUL ELECTIVE SURGERY, has to ask if he’s okay. Jax pitches a hissy fit that K2 didn’t text, didn’t call, didn’t write, didn’t TWEET – what kind of Stass-ass-kissing nonfriend is she? Well, she’s the kind that don’t give a weak fart, dude.

Meanwhile K1 is assigned Lady Pump and Mr. Lisa’s section, and promises to do better now, again. Lady Pump warns her this is the last chance she’s giving her. Mr. Lisa says she better make sure it is. PLEASE MAKE IT TRUE!

Back at the bar, Jax takes a break from sharing his tragic nose story with all the customers to take an order from Scheana and tell her how mean K2 is not to care. AND: she’s also a penis motorboater! What? Yes! And just to really drive the nail into K2’s coffin, he tells K1, also! Yes, one time a long time ago, he and Scheana saw K2 “motorboating a gentleman’s crotch area”. Oh, right! Scheana agrees, spotting the cue card. I saw it, too! Well, then maybe one of you can explain this a little better, and precisely detail how this would provide satisfaction (or more importantly, avoid trauma) to the “gentleman” in question. K1 is preening, because here everyone has shunned her but they are all doing the EXACT SAME THING. She’s a penis motorboater, too? What is this? Did it happen in a closet at a high school house party? Whatever, Jax has suddenly recovered the repressed memory of this majorly major sexual interaction, and he’s so excited to TELL! That Jax, can’t keep a bit of gossip to himself, the old hen.

Time for Lady Pump’s Big Gay Photo Shoot, and here’s the thing: Stassi’s “styling” assignment does not involve “styling”. It involves dressing, and Sherpa-ing. Such skills will actually serve Stassi well when the babies start coming. See, on other Bravo shows involving stylists, the stylist’s primary responsibility is to come up with ideas and then go out and find getups and get them delivered and fluffed and whatnot. In this case, Frontiers magazine apparently has no budget, so Lady Pump is going to conceptualize and select her own looks from her own closet and Stassi is going to hump them over to PUMP. Also, Giggy is involved so his pajamas need to be sorted, too. I wish I still had my old wardrobe of costumes for my Snoopy doll. I’d send them to Gigs.

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While Stassi humps away, duped into this crappy “styling” gig, most everyone else is enjoying a highly homoerotic pool party on top of some no-tell motel involving duck-themed swim toys, water guns (pew-pew!), Eurotrash tinytrunks on SANdoval (who strips down theatrically), Eurotrash watermelon-print granny pants on Scheana, and a tragic glimpse of Ariana’s behind revealing just a tiny bit of dimpling which, as any woman knows, is a tiny bit too much. Tom2 and K2 are not there, of course, because Stassi said they couldn’t go near Scheana (and also, they find her annoying, and K2’s too busy “motorboating dicks”, per the aforementioned Scheana), and Horshack and K1 were not invited because no one likes them. The boys in attendance, minus Pirate Pete who’s too smart to get involved in that shiitake but not smart enough to skip dorky pool parties, conspire to intervene with Tom2 and reveal K2’s big motorboating secret. Like any true friends they waited until after he bought Gordo.

Over at PUMP, it’s 109 degrees and these are not conditions in which Stassi likes to hump, unpaid no less. Lady Pump, of course, considers it a privilege for Stassi to hump for her, and thinks she should say thank you. Stassi thinks Lady Pump should say thank you. Neither says it. They both go away bitter and cross. I liked Lady Pump’s last photo in the hat.

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Intervention time! Jax and SANdoval bust into Tom2 and K2’s apartment spraying water guns (pew-pew!) like the silly boys they are. T2 is, of course, sitting there alone, because K2 is working and he doesn’t have a job. After telling him the party he missed was so great because nobody cried, Jax reveals the Big Penile Motorboating Secret. T2 is totally unfazed. He doesn’t believe it (the fact that his best friend has basically just told Jax to his face that he considers him an unreliable source blows right past big ol’ Jaxy), doesn’t care, thinks even if it were true it’s silly, and is certain K2 isn’t a cheater. Also, like me he’s having a hard time picturing how dick motorboating is defined as non-tortious.

At SUR, K1 and K2 are on shift together and after conspicuously avoiding her former bestie for as long as she can, K2 gets cornered in the alley on her break. K1 immediately launches in to how hurt she feels that they are no longer friends and how she thinks it’s all Stassi’s fault because K2 does whatever Princess Stassi tells her is cool. What have these two been doing all the months between shooting seasons? Whatever, anyway K1 thinks K2’s a big fat hypocrite for being all up in K1’s behind for having banged Jax, twice, when K2 herself motorboated some guys crotch and Scheana saw it! Girl, please, K2 says – she was taking off her SHOES. Now that is what I call a more sensical explanation. Motorboating dicks…

A new day dawns and with it comes brunch in their nighties for Stassi, K2, That Girl, and two pugs, at which they will have a steak salad and a pitcher of mimosas, thank you. The Tres Amigos are off on a bike ride themselves, bicycle being Jax’s current mode of transportation since his dad stopped paying Jax’s car insurance (becase: Jax is 35 YEARS OLD), and decide to swing on by and bust up the girl brunch. Stassi and That Girl take the pugs and blow, leaving poor K2 to wait all alone to pick up the motorboating dick storyline. All the while stuffing his face, Jax tries to lay into K2 but she’s having none of it and really neither are the Toms; Tom2 keeps trying to shush Jax, ineffectively, and SANdoval is far too involved with his turban and his efforts to stay unsullied by ridiculous accusations.

Next week: it’s time for the Toms to get a humiliating work assignment from Lady Pump, and more cheating accusations, this time for Tom2. {sigh}

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“While You’re At The Pharmacy Buy A Set Of Balls” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 4 Recap

Another Monday, another episode of Pump Rules finds us with Tom SANdoval, Tom #2, and Jax cracking beers on the sidewalk before getting their eyebrows threaded. Everything is wrong with this: from public consumption, to male eyebrow threading, to Jax claiming these two are his “best bros”. I thought SANdoval was only tolerating Jax for purposes of cohabiting at the high-tip bar? It seems Jax is getting his long-anticipated nose job tomorrow (the Toms don homemade t-shirts of Jax’s nose for the occasion) and wants his eyebrows to be in tip-top shape. Dude, nobody’s gonna be looking at your eyebrows for a while. SANdoval, on the other hand, is very particular about his eyebrows, even more particular than I am about mine. So many questions.

Back at SUR, it’s almost opening time so Stassi, who clearly needs a job, is again stopping by for a visit with her old pals, and also for some goat balls. Stassi loves those goat balls, much preferable to the standard feta. It’s her signature. Ariana remarks on how idiotic she feels in her SUR costume, gives Stassi the breakdown on Kristen’s 45-minute crying jag while picking up her cable box, and remarks that the fact that her BFF, Scheana, and Kristen got matching tattoos (WTF?) is of no concern to her. Stassi is appalled. When she was running SUR this sort of behavior had consequences!

Meanwhile at PUMP, Lisa is working the bar in a plain old t-shirt because Tom #2 had a panic attack and walked off the job mid-shift. WHOOPS. PUMP is in full swing, it’s patrons appearing to be gays and Bravo fans. In other words, my people! Tom #2 is back home wearing a pair of fuzzy leggings of some kind. Microfleece, I think. His and Katie’s bed is draped with a string of red heart lights. Tom #2’s balls were clearly surrendered quite some time ago. Katie is appalled that he can’t even make it through one bar tending shift. How will he make it through parenthood? Let’s hope no one is going to find out anytime soon – thank God these two aren’t having any sex.

they’re coming… they are going to want DRINKS…
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Nose job time! Jax is escorted to the doctor by Tom #2, who he fears is going to draw penises on his face in Sharpie as soon as he’s out. (Confession: I did this to someone in college myself. A boy, of course. I felt so bad about it I then tried to remove it with nail polish remover. That was the real grievance in the aftermath.) Pre-op, Jax is horrified to discover he can’t knock boots for a spell after due to the risk of elevating his blood pressure. After being seen in that hair net I just don’t think he needs to worry about getting laid for a while. All goes well, Assy Bellino’s septum sample is extricated from his hairy nostril, Jax fondles the nurse. The end.

Katie and Stassi meet up at some bar for drinks and buffalo sliders, which won’t pair well with Stassi’s very ladylike coat. See, she’s dating a real man now – a sports radio host (what do they possibly have in common?), so she’s all elevated and wears real clothes. They discuss an upcoming OK Magazine party to which the whole cast gang is invited. Stassi’s always up for anything that involves free booze, and publicity. AND the bonus is no Jax! Why? Stassi asks. Wellll….. Katie gets to drop the bomb that he got a nose job. Stassi is hysterical. He’s such a “woman”. I have to wonder more and more what their relationship was ever based on.

Tom #2 drives Jax home from the nose job in a tiny little Mini Cooper.

Tom #2 is being an excellent Florence Nightingale EXCEPT: he forgot the Vicodin. Dude, you can’t forget the Vicodin! It’s essential! As Jax lies flat on his back on the bed, his pants half off, his bosses Lady Pump and Pirate Pete show up to laugh at him and drink iced tea, because Tom #2 is such a crappy bartender he can’t even produce hot tea. (Couldn’t he at least microwave the iced tea? Or MacGyver something up?) Jax is somewhat alarmed that his bosses will spot all the pilfered candles, glassware, and booze he’s made off with, but they overlook his intransigence and babysit while Tom #2 goes back to the pharmacy for the missing narcotics. Lady Pump advises him to pick up a set of balls in Aisle 6 while he’s at it. We leave Jax in full recline, fondling the dildo he picked up at the surgeon’s office. It oddly looks like this:

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Kristen and Horshack work out and catch up on what’s going on at SUR in their absence. Horshack is optimistic that because his Mum and Da are friends with Lady Pump and Mr. Lisa he will be reinstated. Whatever.

SAN and Scheana pay a call upon patient Jax, feed him jelly donuts, and leave him to lie in his own waste and stink. The end.

Later at SUR, the Pumps are dining with Lance Bass, of all people. “Peetah!” calls Lady Pump, sounding just like Fudge. Pirate Peetah is sent off to divide the tips with the staff in the alley, just conveniently when Horshack strolls up to beg for his job back. Pirate Peetah consults with the Lady, who consents with a nod on the grounds that they need busboys. Right. One shift a week on a trial basis, Pete says, now “leave me the fuck alone”. Which is basically how I feel.

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Lady Pump visits a Rolls dealership with poor neglected Max, whose skateboard needs new brakes. This is only notable because it was, in fact, MAX who was out on the sidewalk trash-talking his mama to Horshack last week. And smoking! Max and Bruce Jenner! Shocking.

Back to visit the patient, and this time it’s SAN and Ariana. Jax is drinking a homemade wine cooler, which further highlights his manliness and virility. Jax is all disappointed that Katie never visited. She always chooses Stassi. Foreshadowing…

So time for the OK party which is, just OK. The kids are set up at two tables completely across the room from each other so they can shoot daggers and snark over which is the cool kids and which isn’t. Kristen and Horshack show up and slip into the booth where SAN and Ariana are hanging with Scheana and Shay. This is awkward. To up the ante, Pirate Pete challenges his booth (Stassi, Katie, and another brunette) to play some form of iPhone roulette and see who has to go sit with the dorks. Princess Stassi, of course, loses, so off she goes and Pirate Pete comes along just for shits and giggles.

A dumb conversation about the weather ensues. Kristen totally thinks Stassi is here because they are really friends and everything is cool! She’s such a loser! I wrote down that someone decided to visit with vodka and steal mixers and I can’t remember who did what, and don’t care. No one can understand why Scheana and Kristen are friends. Ariana observes that Kristen has “the feral cat thing”: once you let the cat go outside, it’s hard to get it to come back in, and it’s bracing itself with “its four legs on the outside, peeing all over everything”. So, so true. Someone observes that unemployment means Stassi can focus on her new career as a cult leader. Hey, Small would be her perfect partner! I keep saying his destiny is to take over the Church of Scientology from Tom Cruise’s little buddy.

I am totally confused by what to expect for next week; somehow it involves a dog, a photo shoot, a bird costume, and Tom #2. You know, more of the same!

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He Got It At Jared 🍷 Project Runway All-Stars Season 4 Episode 4 Recap

I flailed on getting last week’s PRAS4 recapped, even though I was down two kids and one husband for the weekend. Gearing up for in-law season took precedence. Sadly, Chris March was eliminated in a competition themed around Wicked; you’d think that would be his challenge to lose, but he just seemed sad and uninspired (and, also, demoralized by the fact that the judges lumped him in with Tortured Soul, whose side-table fluffball was really abhorrent). I mean, I didn’t like the ridiculous petticoat any better than anyone else, but above the knees I actually thought his dress spoke “wicked” better than the average among the others.

I share Chris’ sadness and lack of inspiration over this season. It’s just lame; blah personalities, and not one designer whose aesthetic speaks to me. Maybe I’m too old-lady but I have a whole category of fashion in my mind that I think of as Lucky magazine; cheap looking, mashed together, disposably-trendy Chinese-manufactured junk with too many details and doo-dads. I just don’t care for it. Ironically, I ordered something from somewhere months ago that for reasons I don’t understand earned me a complimentary subscription that not only started showing up at my house along with the equally-loathsome Glamour, but in the process somehow screwed up my always-anticipated Vanity Fair subscription. It’s still a problem, and oh, the angry emails I have sent to Conde Nast. Anyway, I feel like there’s too much Lucky magazine happening this season. I’m not feeling it.

So on this week’s episode the challenge is sponsored by Zales. Nina Gahcia and a very, very stiff and awkward guy from Zales meet Sam Micelli to present the terms: $100 to create a ‘party dress’ that represents the designers’ past, present, and future relationships. No black or white allowed. Winner gets a $10,000 Zales gift card and a $15,000 diamond pendant from this three-stone collection we are promoting. (In the midst of all this a commercial comes on for Zales featuring diamond jewelry that somehow vibrates. Weird.)

After a trip to Mood it’s back to the incredibly ugly Parsons building to get going. The Ukranian Ice Dancer is popping his vinyl-and-neoprene cherry today, although he doesn’t appear to be engaged in any relationship past, present, or future, and furthermore his orientation is more than a little ambiguous, no? Deaf Guy makes Zanna Roberts Rossi cry with the story that he never thought he could be loved for fear of being a burden on someone until he met his partner six years ago, who went out and learned sign language for him. Sigh. Fabio, on the other hand, is in an open relationship. Zanna questions whether that can actually work, as do I. Fabio needs to watch Eyes Wide Shut and reconsider.

Both Mullet and Tortured Soul split with the partners met on their seasons’ finales; Mullet is now moved on and engaged to a new person, whereas Tortured Soul remains tortured, and alone. And Ruby is now married to her preschool fiance. Zanna questions whether she is knocked up upon sighting the babydoll dress Ruby has underway, as I have; Ruby notably fails to answer. Hmm. Oh, the twisted web our designers weave…

Runway time! Our judges are the blogger behind Who Wore What and Seth Aaron Henderson, winner of PR7 and PRAS3, who receives golf claps. He’s nice enough.

Zales is so pleased with their work, that everyone gets $1000 gift cards. Oooh ahhh! Mullet, Deaf Guy, Purple Lips, Rick Astley, and Fabio (who looks like he just got off work in the rice paddy) are safe. Top three are the Ukrainian Ice Dancer, Purple Lips, and Tortured Soul.

AS4-4 top

 

Gotta say, I am not feeling any of these. Aside from the fact that I think use of red is trite. I don’t like the Ice Dancer’s on principle, because he is far too fat headed about himself. I want to like Purple Lips’, really I do, but it’s like a mother-of-the-bride cocktail dress over a happy hooker costume. The only thing I like about it is the back. And Tortured Soul? EGADS. It’s a frown, folks! A literal frown because her boyfriend broke up with her. I don’t recall her being the least bit nice to that boyfriend so maybe that’s why. That or those hideous pointy nails. God, I hate her. But she wins. PFFFFTTTT.

Bottom three are the Albino assassin from The DaVinci Code, Gunnar in his floral jumpsuit, and Ruby.

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It strikes me as so, so wrong that I can find so little to divide the top from the bottom this week. The judges just hate Albino’s handkerchief hem. I don’t think it’s that bad, but whoever said it’s too much between the straps and the chains had that right. Overall I don’t mind Gunnar’s dress but the judges are 100% correct that the sewing is majorly wonk. (And: more red. This whole episode is like an American Heart Association Go Red For Women luncheon.) But Ruby…. oh, Ruby. How have you not learned better this being your THIRD go around? She didn’t even finish the skirt and left a limp condom hanging down the side. It would have been better as baby doll than as great-grandmother-of-the-bride. She’s out. I still think she’s knocked up.

Next week: we’re going to London to meet Fergie and do a Paddington Bear inspired challenge. WTF?

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“Kristen Is Like Human Spam”🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 3 Recap

Daylight Savings Time is my nemesis. We don’t even observe it here in Arizona, which is really my complaint about it; each year we fall back and my Bravo schedule falls forward. I’m going to be in a state of constant delay until spring, my friends. I just cannot stay up all night anymore. I am too old.

Thus I am catching up on PumpRules a little late, and for that I apologize. SANdoval has been suspended, and he’s genuinely ashamed of the fight at Mixology. What he should be ashamed of is that tight plaid vest. The fight at least cast a vague shadow of testosterone to SAN.

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With Staff Meeting #1 dismissed, Scheana is assigned to supervise the kitchen at the PUMP opening, and Horshack is dismissed to smoke and rant about his firing on the sidewalk out front with Kristen and some mysterious third person. Who is that? He also has a British accent and looks slightly, suspiciously, like Max Pump. He advises Horshack to write Lady Pump a love letter.

Meanwhile, Stassi is meeting her daddy at a sidewalk cafe in Beverly Hills, and some poor man is so shocked to see Princess Stassi Of Pump Rules on camera and right in front of him that he comes to a complete, grinding ambulatory halt on the sidewalk and stares, mouth agape, before Production runs him off. Stassi and Daddy are going to day drink and gossip like old hens. Scheana, Stassi informs him, is not centered, evidenced by her mean Tweeting. Jax is old news and not worth discussing further. Stassi has learned how to cook in her time away and added some “love pounds”. She’ll regret that.

Speaking of Jax, he’s going back to the therapist now that the cameras are rolling again. And he’s here to announce that he’s so mature and evolved now that he broke up with one of the two broads he was simultaneously banging. The therapist is far more interested in the fact that he tattooed the name of the one he unloaded on the armpit opposite the “STASSI” armpit. Codependency is his defense mechanism, she diagnoses. Also, he’s still holding a torch for Stassi, she informs him. He is? Oh, okay. Jax will try to remember that.

Kristen and Horshack meet up at a bar called Liquid Kitty (?) because they are unemployed and have nothing better to do than bitch about how unfair life is and plan their revenge. It’s all Kristen’s fault that Horshack, who was useless and drank at work, got fired, and he’s going to write Lady Pump a love letter and tell her so. Kristen is going to SANdoval’s apartment and retrieve her cable box.

At the gym, SANdoval and Tom #2 walk on the treadmill like old ladies and then attempt one chest press while gossiping. Tom #2 tells SAN he’s “been glowing!” and they coo about sex and how good SAN and Ariana are together while plucking each other’s eyebrows. Tom #2 astutely points out that SAN should be grateful to Jax because had he not banged Kristen their breakup could have lingered on another two to three years before the inevitable collapse, and Kristen might even have gotten knocked up along the way. Which would have required Kristen and SAN to have sex, of course, but that’s a minor detail. (I think it’s funny how all these committed, childless, fancy-free couples openly complain about not having sex. It ain’t gonna get any better from here, people.)

Time for the much-anticipated PUMP opening, the climax, if you will, and Lady Pump is in her home hair salon getting PUMPed into a purple (!) plunge gown. It’s like if Marie Schrader guest-letter-turned on Wheel Of Fortune. But what will Giggy wear? That’s always the real question.

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Stassi, unemployed, has been invited to the PUMP opening as a guest, and she’s going to lord it over the SUR staff by stopping by for a drink beforehand. Her white cutout cocktail dress stands in stark contrast to her forgettable friend’s ugly SUR uniform, which looks like a stretched out old airbrushed Six Flags t-shirt from the late ’80s. The forgettable friend tells Stassi that Kristen has been suspended, and Stassi cackles and demands to know how many times you can get suspended without getting fired? Wouldn’t we all like to know that. Horshack shows up and clocks into work, pretending he was never really fired and hoping no one notices while they are all busy at PUMP so he can attempt some form of constructive re-employment claim.

Over at PUMP, the gays love Lisa. One even brings a personal love note. Celebrities are here, meaning Horsey from last season of RHOBH and Bobby Trendy, famous for having redecorated Anna Nicole Smith’s house back when she wasn’t dead. This is big time, kids. When Scheana’s shift is done she sidles up to Stassi at the bar and says “‘Sup?” And it’s on. Scheana meows that Stassi made fun of her wedding. Girl, Stassi hasn’t even seen that hideous wedding getup you’re planning yet, you just wait. Stassi bitches that Scheana mean-Tweets. Scheana defends herself that she only mean-RETweets. Scheana stalks off. Game, set, love, Stassi.

Back at SUR, Jax and Stassi’s forgettable friend have a backstage encounter and the friend mentions that Stassi was in the bar earlier. Jax flips out that he missed seeing her. He just really wants to make sure she’s okay, that’s all! He’s still really close to her family, for real! And her dog! Forgettable Friend calls bullshit and tells him to get lost. Meanwhile, having run down to PUMP to confirm with Mr. Lisa that Horshack really is fired, Pirate Peter calls him out to the alley and tells him to turn in his ugly SUR t-shirt and not come back. Horshack whines that he and Pirate Pete were really good friends until he started dating Kristen, but Pirate Pete calls “my ass” and kicks him out. There’s a waitress out back smoking a hookah, or so it appears, who will testify that Horshack was seriously fired if called as a witness.

At PUMP, Tom #2 doesn’t know how to mix drinks. You ass. I was taught how to mix drinks as soon as I could read the labels on the bottles (age 4).

A new day dawns and SAN and Ariana are killing time at a batting cage, casually discussing his ongoing Kristen issues, of course. SAN has changed the cable bill to his name but the box is still under Kristen’s name and social security number. Ariana is alarmed that this could pose some major Fatal Attraction-style risk to SAN’s precarious credit, and demands he pull out of Kristen’s box ASAP. (I know, I know. I couldn’t help it.)

Stassi is moving into her new apartment and serves Katie and Tom #2 bloody marys in unmatched, ugly Goodwill coffee mugs. More joking about sexless relationships.

Horshack shows up at SUR or PUMP or someplace just precisely when Pirate Pete and Lady Pump happen to be holding an impromptu pretend consultation about this or that, and presents Lady Pump with his apology love letter, which he reads aloud. She’s moved, slightly. Horshack’s handwriting is oddly feminine, and he looks like the Gorton’s Fisherman in that cardi.

Back at SANdoval’s Apartment, Kristen texts and asks if she can stop by to extricate her box. SAN is not entirely sure he’s ready to part with Kristen’s box because he has stuff on the DVR. Girl, please. There’s much weeping and theatrics as Kristen stuffs her remaining scraps into a giant IKEA bag. Ariana rolls her eyes as a snorfling, tearful Kristen finally stumbles out, staggering under the weight of her shit, and her box.

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Next time: Tom #2 is not only a crappy bartender, he walks off the job! Jax gets his nose job, and Scheana completely flames out.

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