Happy December, people! I don’t think I appreciated how small the window is between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year until the other day. Hardly any time for such frivolity as watching mindless reality TV, let alone recapping it. But I will soldier on, my holiday gift to you.
We begin again at Chateau Yo, where a pesky seagull keeps bathing in the pristine infinity pool. We’ve had ducks in ours before, and once a giant hawk hanging out on the solar blanket. We’ve all got to live together, you know. Yo’s mother and brother, Ans and Franz, are coming from Holland to visit and be in attendance when Genius Husband David Foster gets his star on the Walk of Fame. The family arrives, there are hugs, and today Yo is wearing the world’s tightest white capri pants. Honestly, no need for stirrups at exam time. Ever the hostess, Yo serves up what my husband and I call Le Sandwich and a glass of frothy green goo before escorting the pair to their guest room and steamrolling brother Franz on the lovely cushy bed. Yo shares that after her dad died she went to work, supporting the family with her lucrative modeling income, and in the process we learn that the whole family loves white pants year-round. Franz shows off his fine Dutch physique when he leaps into the pool. Cannonball!
Over at The Glands’ empty craphouse upgrade, the dogs are peeing and pooping all over the place. Maybe they need to, oh, I don’t know, GO OUT. We witness an awkward phone call with Mama Glands in which we learn (a) The Glands couldn’t be bothered to call her grandma before she went into major surgery because, you know, she’s old and deaf and stuff, and (b) Papa Glands is still not talking to The G which will be awkward when The Glands makes a planned visit to Sacramento in a few weeks. The Glands decides to test the waters with an email to Papa G, which she will run by Mama first. One of the dogs appears to be peeing on the other’s head.
Speaking of dogs, and there’s a lot of animal nonsense in this episode, over at Kyle’s she is bathing Bambi Umansky in a pair of hideous airbrush print parachute shorts. This season is not piquing my interest in shopping at Forever In Caftans. When Rumbly Mauricio comes home Kyle scrambles upstairs to throw a ratty bathrobe over those shorts and moan to Mauricio some more about how mean, mean, mean Lisa is to have brought up twice – TWICE! – the rumors about their marriage and at the same time fail to publicly denounce the 5 people gossiping about whether or not Mauricio cheats. So she’s not supposed to bring it up but she’s supposed to Tweet about it. Meanwhile at the Palais du Pump, Lady Pump and Mr. Lisa are discussing the very same things, agreeing they feel terribly sorry for the Umanskys and especially Kyle. Mr. Lisa is entirely certain the rumors are false, while Lady Pump says she doesn’t know one way or another and it’s none of her business anyway, she just feels for Kyle, which is pretty much the position Lady Pump takes in all these sorts of things no matter who is involved. This will not sit well with the U’s, who snipe that Lady Pump will not be “on their side” (against who?) until she starts to look bad. These people, honestly.
In other pet news, Carlton Gebbia’s cat fell 18 feet off their balcony railing and didn’t die but needs acupuncture. MEOW! Pet acupuncture itself doesn’t seem all that wacky to me (my aunt and uncle used to take their black lab, Bess, who was named after me in for pricking; we have a long family history of pets named after people), but acupuncture as a cure for broken bones and internal injuries likely to occur in an 18-foot fall onto tile seems ill-advised, or at least unlikely to resolve the problem. Carlton tells us how as an only child of witches she spent her childhood hanging out with wild animals in the forest, thus her greater respect for nature than for people. She doesn’t do spas or facials, she struggles to get cats to submit to being poked with needles. It seems to be that trying to give a cat acupuncture is worse than trying to bathe a cat in the back of a van, mobile cat grooming being a career I have often described as being in my bottom-five.
So Carlton doesn’t do facials but her nemeses, Kyle and Mrs. Puerto Rico, do, and Kyle is introducing PR to her old standby, the Hannibal Lecter. “Dear God, what’s that hole for?” asks my mother, visiting for the holidays. While Kyle listens through her nozzle, Mrs. PR announces her plan to arrange a girls’ getaway, aka season 4 field trip #1, to Palm Springs. Mr. PR is “filming a movie” at some resort, and she’s prevailed upon him to rent the whole thing out for her and the Housewives for the weekend. Like any of us believe THAT’s how this works. PR also tells Kyle that she is trying to get together with Lady Pump to talk things out about The Hair Incident, figuring that as Lisa’s the oldest ‘Wife she must also be the wisest and most reasonable, and yet here she’s acting very childish. You keep on digging, Mrs. Puerto Rico.
So the Richards family excitement this weekend is that Kim’s daughter Kimberly #2 is graduating from high school, so everyone is going to that event rather than Genius Husband David Foster’s star unveiling, and K2 needs to take back the tank top she planned to wear as a dress and instead buy something more appropriate for executive living in NYC, where she’s headed for college. Meanwhile, back at Casa Umansky, Kyle is in the kitchen with Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Lil’ Portia (“What an unfortunate looking child,” murmurs my mother) who are all sitting on the counters. Hello, hygiene! And: you have a perfectly awesome couch right over there. It seems Mopsy is just one year younger than K2 and she plans to join her in New York City next fall when she goes to college. Kyle is very excited about her chilren getting the edumacation she never received due to her teenage pregnancy with Flops, but not so excited that she would actually encourage Mopsy to hit the road and go to the school of her choice.
On the same subject, Pandy and Mr. Pandora are dining Chez Pump, al fresco, as Lady Pump decreed shall be their weekly custom. No signs of the rogue Max. Mr. Pandora caaaaasually brings up the fact that he has no job prospects in California, therefore they are considering moving to New York City – New York City! – so he can take a position in “the wine and spirits industry”. I am confused – don’t they make wine in… California ? Lady Pump is having none of this. They moved to the United States in the first place so they could helicopter over Pandy while she attended Pepperdine, and now Mr. Pandora dares to relocate the beloved child elsewhere? This is all very Kathy Wakile and the school of mannequins. Oh, and by the way K2 graduates, dressed appropriately, and we are not introduced to the baby daddy who produced K2 but Kathy Hilton is there looking fat in a perfectly hideous cheetah-print half-muumuu. The end.
Time for Genius Husband David Foster to get his star. Apparently one gets a star based not on merit but on one’s “fans’” relentless demands on the city and/or – ! – Chamber of Commerce! Which explains a lot. GHDF is going to get his star near The Beatles and in between Buddy Holly and Natalie Cole. He thinks this is a magical location, and I think it’s curious bedfellows. Oh look, here comes Kenny G! And Usher, and Dr. Phil (known as “Dr. Feel” in our house), and a number of people all blurred out which makes me feel dizzy. Carlton arrives in short-shorts, and she has been to this rodeo before because her son’s godmother is Slash’s wife. Slash has a star on the walk of fame? The Glands is wearing a dress with a big blue boobhole and after taking a photo of Stevie Wonder cracks that she doesn’t know if he saw her do it. You funny lady! Making the blind people jokes! GHDF thanks Yo, one of his many wives but the only true love of his life, and announces that her and her kids are his “new family”, which no doubt makes his old families of forgotten spawn feel terrific.
We close with a gratuitous bikini shopping trip for The Glands and Lady Pump, set forth for the exclusive purpose of (a) allowing The Glands to giraffe around with her butt bruise hanging out, and (b) providing a chance to The Glands to announce and carry on about how she and Carlton made out yesterday in her hot tub. Lady Pump is aghast, which I think has a lot more to do with the fact that recreational out-making of any variety is supposed to be off-limits for married ladies than with the lesbianity of it all. Lady Pump announces she’s going to start locking her door at night which I think well-advised.
Next time: we’re off to Palm Springs, land of the Master Cleanse for some and cocaine for others! The Glands tells everyone how she and Carlton Gebbia made out, which doesn’t seem to make Carlton too happy, and then calls Mrs. PR “Jacqueline”. I can’t remember her name either but I am pretty sure it’s not “Jacqueline”.
Oh, and hey: we’re still giving away a ton of cash, people!
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$1100 Holiday Magic Cash Giveaway
November 21, 2013 at 12:00am – December 16, 2013 at 12:00am
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