One more episode to tie it all up with a bow, or a bondage strap and a nipple tassel depending on how The Glands’ shopping turned out in Amsterdam. Meh. Having done the porn shopping our ladies meet up in a Dutch flower market, because, you know, Holland = Tulips. This is where we find out that last night, in the Red Light District, The Glands got picked up by Max Pump’s childhood friend, and then went home and did the horizontal lambada. Max Pump is, what, 20? At best? And dear friends with Horshack? Yick. The Glands’ judgment in men about equals her taste in fashion, today on display in a vest made of Snuffleupagus and a pair of Mrs. Roper’s sunglasses. Yes, she packed that shit. Checked the bag and paid $50 to get it to Europe. She doesn’t just own it, she’s paying extra to take it out in public.
So having gotten laid The Glands is in a far cheerier mood than we’ve seen her thus far, and she thinks she’s going to get back in Lady Pump’s good graces by giving her a handful of daisies and giggling “sorry!” in a flippant sort of way. Lady Pump is not having it; she may not have been slapped hard, but she was slapped all the same, and it’s never appropriate. She thinks The Glands needs to think before she does things. Yes, yes! The Glands thinks it was a joke that went to far, and Lady Pump has taken jokes too far with her many times, too. No, no! This is not unlike the situation on this past Wednesday’s Survivor where the fat Blue Collar guy with the pubey beard tried to “apologize” to the girl barrel racer with the weird growth on her neck by saying he was sorry for being an asshole but it was really her fault. And, no.
The Glands gives up and slinks off with her fistful of weeds, leaving Lady Pump with Yo, who tells her she tried really hard to talk to The Glands about her behavioral issues, “in the sweetest way”. Why are you doing it the “sweet way”, Lady Pump demands to know. Yo acknowledges that The Glands can be an asshole. “She’s your asshole, not mine,” declares Lady Pump. Yo does not want this bony asshole either.
Back at the hotel, it’s teatime, and Lady Pump calls Mr. Lisa at home in LA to tell him what a nasty old broad The Glands is being, and he is pissed. Never a good idea to piss off Mr. Lisa at the close of the season, Glandsy. Buckle up. Meanwhile, Yo swings by The Glands’ room to give her a reprimand, dressed in her most Dutch dominatrix ensemble. The Glands is wearing a pink polka dot nightie thing from JC Penney while she spackles herself. Yo tells The Glands that at this point everyone hates her and apologizing isn’t going to cut it anymore, so The Glands says fine, I hate you old dried up menobags anyway, I’m going out to dinner with Amsterboy! So there! Off she giraffes in her Snuffey vest over a dirty-looking negligee to get overserved, drool in Amsterboy’s lap, and play hide the rookwurst. She’s so having the best time, guys, just check out her Instagram.
Having unloaded The Glands on a play date that she thinks was her own idea, the mature women of RHOBH don their capes and assemble canalside for an elegant al fresco dinner. Lady Pump is slightly horrified that The Glands is giving the clogs to the child her Maxie went to nursery with, but on the other hand The Glands “can hump 22-year-olds” all she wants if it means Lady Pump doesn’t have to have dinner with her. Max is going to have a fit, she predicts. If this is going to tweak the unflappable MAX then you know banging The Glands has truly and irredeemingly foul implications.
So without the vilest of their companions, Kimmy is left to sit very, very quietly while the other ladies enjoy their last night in Amsterdam. Yo regales them with the story of how her ex boyfriend Julio Iglesias introduced her to this very restaurant some thirty years ago. To all the girls he’s loved before! Lady Pump somehow turns the talk to the live sex show she saw in Mexico some many years ago, involving donkeys and everything! Yo’s brother tells them he knows a great place they can go after dinner where the ladies get bananas up their cabooses and even smoke cigars rectally. Must we? Yo rises, thanks them all for coming, and cheers them all, even including the fallen and absent Glands. Ching ching!
Back to LA, where life has been carrying on as usual. The Glands and Yo meet up at a “medispa” where Yo gets an IV vitamin infusion and Yo is getting 14-karat GOLD painted on her face. I think she needs a thick coat of hydrogen peroxide, myself, but that’s me. Yo tries to give The Glands her latest effort at a stern mommy lecture, but The Glands waves her off that she’s in crisis; Guy “Daddy” Glands is in the hospital experiencing some health issues related to his faulty heart valves, and as he’s still not talking to The Glands because she is embarrassing she’s left to get a ridiculous facial and meow about it rather than do something actually useful. So she gets all weepy on the facial table and the aesthetician has to wait until it’s over. The Glands is sad about dad, and whiny about the fact that “everyone else can do what they want” and she can’t. Yo tells her she can speak freely as long as she doesn’t “go below the belt”, which we all know means shut it. Yo still claims she believes Yo has a good heart, and thinks she fears rejection which is why she acts like an asshole. Yo, on the other hand, “comes from the heart”, so that’s why she gets to wear white capris and float around playing the harp.
Meanwhile, for reasons totally unexplained, Kimmy pays a visit to Yo Adrienne Maloof, who is preparing a public venue for some sort of mysterious event to promote some menthol-cigarette-flavored malt liquor or something. Kim thinks Adrienne is so incredibly easy to talk to; I think Adrienne is so incredibly boring. Kim tells Adrienne how she’s so mad at Kyle because after Kim got nasty and provoked Lipsey on Night 1 in Amsterdam, Kyle ran out the door in the vague direction of Lipsey, and general escape, rather than cling to her sister’s pantleg. Adrienne hems and hums and generally expresses pity. Meh.
Kyle, meanwhile, is lunching on kale with Lipsey and sharing their bliss at being back in LA where dogs wear clothes and ride in thousand dollar strollers, as they ought. Kyle shares that she and Kim are in another one of the many stretches they have experienced over their shared 40+ years in which they are not speaking; she intends to remedy this by inviting Kim to come to “the desert” alone where they can have it out. O dear. We all remember the first big Richards Sisters meltdown over “the desert”, don’t we? Before they go, Lipsey makes sure to tell Kyle that The Glands is running around LA telling everyone and everything that she, too, is concerned about her dear friend Kimmy’s sobriety, and even went so far as to suggest she needed an intervention. Well, actually it was a little more of a suggestion that everyone needed an intervention, but that part got sort of left out by Lipsey. Oh here comes.
Kyle gallivants off in her Maserati to Palm Springs to prepare her new, fabulous, palatial, very beige desert home for Kim’s arrival. She has worn her most orange caftan in order that she and her brown house can go totally INVISIBLE when the desert sun passes the horizon. On the way up or down, either way! Kim’s gonna freak!
Back in LA, Lady Pump presides over her first big fat gay wedding at PUMP. Dominic and Magno are our grooms, and I have to question whether this is the first time they have met.
Enough of that: Kyle swans around her super-fancy, totally devoid of personality desert upgrade lighting every smelly candle she could find at the area Kirkland’s and preparing to show her poor-relation sister just how much she’s upgraded her living arrangements from the inherited shithouse she stole from Kim just four seasons back. Kyle’s version of that oft- and yet never-satisfactorily-told story is that when Mama Richards died she left the house to all three girls. Kathy and Kim, per Kyle, wanted to be bought out because they already had homes in Palm Desert, so she and Mauricio obliged. (The whole issue of whether Kim’s childhood acting income actually bought the house for Mama Richards in the first place is left unaddressed.)
Kim arrives in her chaufferred “MUSIC 08″ Suburban and questions why she has been brought here and cornered alone. Kyle greets her, shows her around, and tells her to put on her own caftan so they can lounge in the fourth living room. Water is poured. Here goes.
Kim is infuriated with Lipsey for conducting an investigation into her sobriety efforts which are none of her business. Kyle thinks it’s perfectly Lipsey’s business because she was at Eileen’s house where Kim had been popping pills, the logic of which I think means that everyone there for the poker party is now endowed with subpoena power. Kim starts meowing about how The Glands defended her, so Kyle pipes up with the news that after defending her The Glands started giraffing around LA on a campaign to launch Kim’s intervention.
And that’s when the wheels come off. Kim starts screaming about how Kyle stole her house and then sold it and didn’t give her a chance to even enter it one last time because Kyle put it in a “short escrow”, a claim Kyle swiftly shoots down by pointing out that Kim had enough time to ask that Kyle give the listing to Kim’s own daughter. So this now somehow rounds back to whether or not Kim was voluntarily bought out of the Stolen House, assertions that Kim was “not in a position to share a mortgage” at the time, and screams of “LYING!” Kyle wraps it up by telling Kim that The Glands is going to break her heart, they finish burning dinner, hug it out, and by sheer luck neither gets their curtain of hair caught on fire.
Next time, on the season FINALE: Nicky Hilton emerges from irrelevance to have a book signing at Kyle’s Caftan Palace; Lipsey backtracks on whether The Glands wanted to stage an intervenion; The Glands storms off; and Yo Adrienne pops out of a Happy Meal box or some such at her Big Fat Thing.