“That Orangutan” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 10 Recap

After a goodly amount of time spent raising much-needed cash for my kids’ schools the last week plus, I’m back to wasting brain cells on the trivial issues of a bunch of humorless, overindulged nitwits on the west coast. Last week Eileen schmaltzily dumped her dear deceased sister’s ashes off a balcony and down the side of a cliff (and possibly down the shirt of one or two passersby below); Lady Pump spilled the beans that Mo Hadid says #2 and Anwar are perfectly healthy, at least as far as he knows; and Kathryn and The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, who is about to get a new nickname, had their first face-to-orange-face encounter despite their lives being inextricably entwined 20+ years ago when OJ first brought us the Kardashians. So much to thank him for.

At the Palais du Pump, Kyle is swinging over to collect Lady Pump for a field trip to plan their mutual anniversary party, but not before Lady Pump is going to snap her head off for inviting That Orangutan to the not-the-least-bit-casual catered event involving some grilled foods Kyle tried to pass off as a “barbecue” last week. Barbecues involve children, dogs, and husbands manning the grill. This was basically a She-show all about seeing what each other was wearing and not eating. Not a BBQ. Anyway, Kyle fully intends to invite That Orangutan to the anny party, so Lady Pump demands to know how Kyle’s gonna feel when Lady Pump invites “Witchypoo” to the party, too. Who is Witchypoo? Oh, that Carlton person from several seasons ago?

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Not THAT Carlton. This one:

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Gawd, I’d forgotten how truly ghastly that woman looks. I can’t wait for her to show up so we can compare her rock-hard tatas and collapsing face to Lipsey, who is holding up so much better and I think might actually be older.

Anyway, off they go, bickering all the way, to check out an old hotel as a possible site for their shared “Moulin Rouge”-style dual anniversary party (the Umanskys’ 20th; the Pumps’ 33rd). Because nothing says Marital Bliss Forever like absinthe and premature death crossed with over-the-hill bags dolled up in trashy rental costumes. Free your Lady Marmalade!

Speaking of trashy costumes, Erika Girardi visits Yo in the ‘Bu and they go for a walk. Per Yo, this is her first walk, her first venture OUTSIDE, since she became ill. Or at least since three episodes ago when Erika and Yo walked ten feet with Kyle in a park. Yo is ALIVE, y’all, and ready to shout it from the rooftops like she’s in a James Cameron movie. Are her explanted boobs being intentionally blurred out? This is more than just weak cell phone shots of my TV here.

They walk, they sit, their butts get wet, and Erika silkily spills the beans that after Yo left the Not-B-Q last week, “someone” whose name might rhyme with Dump – OKAY, it was Lady Pump! – said that #2 and Anwar don’t have Lyme Disease. Yo is shocked. Erika helpfully loops Kyle into this mess, and more helpfully fails to clarify that Lady Pump was answering someone’s question what #2 and Anwar’s dad Mo has to say about them having Lyme. (And whether Mo is outright disputing Yo’s claim of diagnosis or just hasn’t spoken of it is also rather relevant.) Yo announces that rather than talking about her peculiar illness, these bitches ought to be out there waiting on her hand and foot like Florence Nightingale. I think expecting any friend to empty your bedpan is a wee bit beyond reasonable. Also, why didn’t Erika’s makeup gay do something about the mascara smudged all over her lids?
Yo, of course, is not wearing any. Makeup is toxic, and takes away from the I’M SICK effect.

Later, Lipsey swings out to Pasadena to check out the GirardiDome and consult on how exactly to get back into the grace of Yo, who she has offended by “engaging in chatter” about Munchausen’s Syndrome. Best dressed BH ‘Wife, for sure.
You just cannot go wrong in DVF and Erika Girardi might want to think about that because she’s wearing a leopard print jumpsuit from Boston Proper and and I do not have the faintest idea why.

No excuse. I just think Erika could do better by our eyeballs. We deserve better.

Erika takes Lipsey on a house tour and Lipsey oohs and ahhs at the “old money done right” vibe. I think it looks like a hotel, personally, with the exception of The Chapel.

Oh, and also the neon nudie portraits of Erika in most every room. I’d call this all “new money spent widely”. But whatever, at least it’s furnished, unlike some of the living arrangements we’ve seen on many a Housewife franchise. Lipsey thinks Lady Pump’s house looks like a “disco” by comparison which is not exactly accurate, except to the extent that Lady Pump’s house looks like a lot more FUN.

Erika escorts Lipsey to the patio/lanai/veranda/promenade with its new Cost Plus throw pillows on the outdoor couch, and presents a vast buffet that goes untouched as Lipsey nervously makes her case about how she got Munch’ed. Lipsey correctly points out that Yo puts information and images out there, and people respond and react. (Yes.) And that someone – who goes unidentified but I suspect WHO that someone is might be a very crucial and controversial detail – reacted by starting a conversation with Lipsey along the lines that maybe Yo isn’t sick, maybe it’s Munchausen’s, and Lipsey “engaged” in that conversation/speculation. And now she’s turribly turribly contrite. Erika tells Lipsey to just tell Yo that and she’ll be forgiven. And they all just need to “get over it”, because there’s no point in belaboring the Yognosis any further. Whether the underlying problem is leaky bags of rubbery plastic or nibbly ticks, something has got her.

So off Lipsey goes to her next stop on the Lipsey Rinna Apology Tour, the YoCondo. Yo greets Lipsey, bearing the gift of George Clooney’s fancy tequila (which they all drank at the cocktail gathering after the Hero Dogs excursion, too – are we placing a product? And just how does Lady Pump feel about that?) which Yo instantly declines. She is too sick for tequila shots, thank you. Also, it’s before noon.

So they sit with coffee in Yo’s kitchen, and Lipsey starts going down the same explanatory route she did with Erika about how it all started with the selfies Yo posts on Instagram all day every day. “And why do you think I do that?” snaps Yo, before going into some ramble about ‘Hollywood’ friends as opposed to what one assumes are ‘real’ friends, and I don’t really know what the point she’s making here is meant to be unless it’s along the lines of Lipsey deciding which one she’s gonna be. I feel like a lot of this conversation got edited out, but eventually Lipsey makes her profuse apology with a whole lotta acknowledgments of her flaws, which earns her a snap that she should “stop judging until she’s perfect”. Funnily enough, I do feel I know a Dutch gal who does a fair amount of judging herself. But she’s, as we know, a smart, powerful woman. Just ask her.

Let’s move on to the Anny Party! As inappropriate as I think it is for 45+ year old women to be frolicking in fancy underpants in mixed company, it seems even more so for a 45 year old MOM to be asking her 1st grader how she looks in her getup. But Lil’ Portia is Kyle’s second best accessory (after her hair, of course).

Some looks were more successful than others. The Pumps somehow managed to end up looking like The Ostrich and The Penguin.  

Erika just looked like she does on Thursdays. This is the weirdest vehicle. What’s with the scalloped second row jump seat that Kathryn’s husband is all squnched up in? Also, I am having a hard time believing he’s in his mid-30s. I don’t think he grows facial hair yet.

Lipsey looked HAWT and babe-a-licious, but how can she not with that body? That ain’t just yoga.

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Tay Armstrong, however, looked like death warmed over. A poor choice since we all already associate her with death and I think she wants us to forget all that. Also, why is she here? 

So this celebration of marital bliss involves Camille performing her weird strip club dance moves, lots of boobies nearly escaping their containment systems, and many, many splits from Kyle.

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At least it does not involve So Morgan’s bruised ass.

Eventually, That Orangutan shows up. Lady Pump greets her frostily, but politely. Soon after Lady Pump and Kyle take a break on a weird couch to catch their breaths and pop a Geritol, and Kyle pats Lady Pump on the back for being nice enough to That Orangutan. Kathryn, who is sitting on the other end of this bench, breaks in and pipes up that she doesn’t see why ANYONE has to be nicer to That Orangutan than That Orangutan was to anyone else in capitalizing on tragedy and destroying relationships for self-promotional purposes.

Kyle, is, as always, aghast, and as there’s really nothing she can say to defend Faye or controvert any of Kathryn’s assertions, she resorts to getting mad at Lady Pump for failing to back her up. She thinks Kathryn was rude at Kyle’s own party and Lady Pump should have forced her to behave. Lady Pump sniffs and tells Kyle she’s a big girl, if she wants to hang with deeply polarizing bitches then she can deal with the consequences. Kyle gets all threatening about how the last time Lady Pump liked a new girl more than Kyle she got all Glandzed and we know how that turned out. Child, please. Not the same.

Next time: Erika brings everyone to her “show” in San Diego, where The Yo Strikes Back.

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“I Just Came For The Hero Dogs” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 8 Recap

Still on our Hamptons road trip, and it’s time to visit Kyle’s “pop-up” store, via which she is going to see whether a NYC outpost of Kaftans R’ Us is a realistic possibility. I don’t think she needed to go to all this trouble, especially as her selection of merchandise, at a glance, appears to be just a notch or two above the t-shirt shop on the boardwalk where the Jersey Shore kids “worked”. I think words and slogans are not an especially NYC thing. I do like the green awning, however, which I suspect was per Chamber of Commerce instructions.

Queen B is also here to do a book signing, and the Chamber is very concerned about keeping the multitude at bay. They need not worry. Limoing along to the event are Lipsey, Erica, and Eileen, who is still fretting about this weird conversation with Lady Pump that is getting weirder and more awkward the more we dwell upon and revisit it. Erica thinks Lady Pump has put Eileen “over a barrel” (or headfirst into one) and that maybe Eileen needs to step back and decide how she wants to react to this rather than roll down the hill. I LOVE ERICA. Meanwhile, Kyle is advising the Queen that she may have been a bit rude and over the top in offering her unsolicited critique of Erica’s music video. Ya think? The Queen is bewildered, as she always is when called on her shit.

The limo arrives. Lipsey, whose pink peasant dress is my favorite OOTD (the Old Navy version in my closet just falls short somehow…) immediately finds a giant blue Birkin-style bag emblazoned with the words BEACH BIRKIN. See, that’s not gonna fly. Erica is magnetically drawn to the Target-looking Daisy Dukes, as is the Queen, who I guess attempts to make her version of an apology, telling Erica she hears she may not have come off well the previous night.

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“I’m a big girl, it’s fine,” Erica replies, brushing her off. The Queen keeps babbling about branding and going for it and blah blah, and advises Erica, who gives no fucks, that she in fact thinks Erica SHOULD go for it.

To which Erica responds:

#TeamErica!

Kyle’s aunt and cousin arrive with disgraced former Subway mascot Jared:

Kyle is thrilled to see them because her aunt brings her back to her late mother, and, of course, no one else in the family is speaking to her. This aunt is clearly on the non-Hilton side of things, judging by the highlights and butterfly clip.
Just very regular, that’s all. Aunt Jane brings Kyle to tears with a framed old family photo, and asks to know how to connect with Kim. Aunt Jane believes she is the only person who can get through to her and she has to see her. Kyle has no idea how to make that operation happen, but whatever, nothing else works so it’s worth a shot.

Meanwhile, Queen B and Lipsey in the OOTD are over on the other side of the room gossiping about The Kim Crisis. Of course, only Lipsey and the BHers are gossiping. The Queen, who is driving this conversational bus into the dark alleys and hidden corners, is exempt from accusations of gossip where The Kim Crisis is concerned. Once again, our Lipsey’s big fat mouth is out to get her. She seems like a fun girlfriend but she’s not very canny. Lipsey blurts out that she feels responsible for the mess with Kim because she held up a mirror to her behavior, and she feels further upset because she can’t talk to Kyle about it. (What does that mean? Is she looking for Kyle to tell her it’s not her fault?) Just then Kyle walks up, and everyone gets skeered. Queen B gives Kyle some bizarre, contrived explanation of yes they were talking about Kim, but it’s really about Lipsey so it’s not gossip per your definition so it’s okay. I think. Kyle has had it. The subject of Kim always comes up (how can it not, when she’s getting arrested every other day) and why can’t everyone be talking about the kaftans? We are here for the kaftans, people!

Back they all go to what I think is a new rental house where they are all staying. I think. They are going to have a lobster boil. The Pumps are on hand and Mr. Lisa demands a padded cushion for the Gigster’s bare little bottom. I can’t say I think Giggy would do well on a hard woven seat, but why is he at the table, anyway? Lady Pump asks Eileen if they are okay after their followup convo about the convo that Eileen wishes they did not have, and here we go again, this time with Mr. Lisa irritated and inserting himself. Progress is not made. Erica and I need another drink.

Erica asks if she can ask some questions about the stuff these broads bitch about that predates her, because she doesn’t actually watch the show. What’s the deal with The Glands? Kyle and Lady Pump both give their side of how dirty and nasty The Glands is, and Erica privately declares them “obsessed”. She also vaguely addresses Kim’s situation, not asking per se but offering that she, too, has had to deal with tragically addicted relatives and she knows how painful it is. It’s difficult for all of us, says Lipsey, particularly for Lipsey herself. Oh, maybe also for Kyle. And KIM. But no, for Lipsey it is particularly bad, because she feels Kim’s behavior is “gross”, and has affected her deeply.

Lady Pump demands to know what strategy Kyle can deploy to be “less tortured” by Kim. Christ. Kyle is fed up with the fact that everyone in the world knows her shit which is a nice cover for everyone else to hide behind, namely a certain person with the initials LVP, and changes the subject. What keeps Lady Pump up at night? Not a lot, The Lady replies. She’s doing just fine, thanks. Erica laughs out loud at how Lady Pump can get everyone else to spill their beans and she keeps hers nicely clenched between her British buttocks. This is when Eileen decides to pipe up and present an afterschool special on her experience with domestic violence. This was supposed to air during the Amsterdam dinner party when Yo offered the dinner party conversation prompt of “tell us something we don’t know about you”, but that got derailed by Lipsey throwing a glass at Kim so we never got to it. (To be clear: I am entirely empathetic with Eileen’s story and her message. It’s the engineered placement of this life lesson that I am rolling my eyes at.)

So that’s that. The next day, Erica puts on her hammer pants and jets off on Girardi Air to collect Yo, who appears to be wearing a Members Only straitjacket.

GHDF has left her to be with Andrea Bocelli and the Pope or whatever, but he was an excellent nurse and left Yo in capable hands that are, oddly, not those of Health Advocate Daisy. I feel much better without Health Advocate Daisy around. On board, Yo shares photos of her icky implants and tells Erica that of all 9000 explant surgeries her World Class Expert Surgeon Dr. Fung has done, her case was, of course, THE WORST. Ever. Yo has suffered, greatly. “People”, even of her own family has doubted her, and Yo pities the fools for their lack of empathy. This is foreshadowing, kids.

Home again home again, jiggity jig. Kyle is having The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick over to collaborate on a closet remodel and so we can get a good look at how Faye pairs a tie-dye maxi with t-strap executive living pumps and a fake, slogan-free Birkin all in a shade of poo that is matchy-matchy-matchy with her hair and skin tone. One of my friends observed that Faye looks like a baseball glove with lipstick. That’s about right. They talk about Kim. Bluuuurp. This is not about Kim, and we know it.

No, this is about OJ, and we’ll get to that in a minute. Lady Pump is hosting the Hot Dog Awards – no! excuse me! the HERO DOG Awards – at PUMP, in which an assortment of small, useless dogs are going to be honored for their alleged heroics. Vanderpump Pets is a sponsor per the step-and-repeat; what is that enterprise about? All the ‘Wives and then some are here, including Camille!  The bystanders don’t even bother to conceal their curiosity, openly staring, unlike the Hamptonites who were trying to Be Kool, as the Kountess likes to say. Don’t be, like, unKool.

And who else just HAPPENS to saunter up to the bar for an iced tea and COINCIDENTALLY, unexpectedly join the cast in so doing, but this gal, who gives Lipsey a wink and the signal that it’s time to start:  This is Kathryn Edwards, former model, old acquaintance of Lipsey, and, not so coincidentally, the former wife of football great and OJ bestie Marcus Allen upon whom The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick claimed Marcus cheated with Nicole Brown Simpson, begetting the OJ bloodbath, in her dubious and much-discussed memoir. {Deep cleansing breath.} And that was the least subtle “spontaneous” introduction of a new Housewife, ever.

“KATHRYN! WHAT A SURPRISE!” shouts Lipsey. Look, Eileen, it’s the new Housewife! Lipsey immediately launches into a toilet-circling monologue about how they met before she gives up and says “dammit, it’s really OJ. That’s what it is.” Kathryn is not particularly interested in being drawn into that just yet and leads the discussion over to Marcus Allen, who Eileen apparently once dated, and how he’s “such a good guy”, yet no longer her husband. She has a new, younger, much better thank you football player husband now. Lady Pump strolls up with a Hero Dog in her armpit to be introduced. How exactly did this new specimen get here? Oh, Kathryn just happens to be here for the Hero Dogs. Of course you are.

They are all seated on the sweltering PUMP patio and Kyle realizes this is her cue to drag her unsuspecting and Morally Corrupt closet organizer under the bus when she sees Kathryn. Kathryn MUST know Faye? Even though, she acknowledges, Marcus Allen has always denied Faye’s accusation. That Faye is a Bad Woman.

It’s too hot and crowded on the patio to get all these broads in one shot, so they leave the staring masses and relocate to another bar, which Lady Pump follows along to despite it not being a Pump establishment. They all order tequila and Kyle gets down to business: do you know Faye, Kathryn? “Uh-uh. Nope. Never met her.” Kyle finds this fishy, and “aggressive”. Kathryn insists she never hung out with “that group” and was only married to Marcus for a year before “the shit hit the fan” and the group disbanded. So no, she never met Faye. And the lips, which she insists have never been enhanced, get zipped. For NOW.

Next time: Mr. Lisa buys a sex shop. Eileen n’ Vinny go to Italy, and Eileen’s sister’s ashes go too. Mo is throwing Yo and her claims of Complete Hadid Lyme Infestation under the bus. Oh: and Faye, meet Kathryn!

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“Don’t Do Anything Permanently Stupid” 🍹 Pump Rules Season 4 Episode 11 Recap

I have been neglecting Pump Rules lately, and for that I apologize. But clearly I have not missed much. The biggest development is that the 2’s got engaged and they are both delighted about it. So much so that they head out on a romantic, photogenic picnic to celebrate, shout to the treetops, etc. etc. 

What they did not do to celebrate is knock boots, apparently, because they both got annihilated. In fact, T2 awoke on his first full day as a betrothed man naked on the couch with taquitos burning in the oven. Better that than sitting up with a pot of Stove Top stuffing perched on his chest.

Anyway, guess who texted K2 congratulations when she heard the happy news? Yes, Lady Hitler! She’s back! T2 is not altogether at ease with this; things have been so much more relaxed and positive without her around. The 2s muse about how disconnected they are from her shitshow, and how much they just don’t care.

Meanwhile at SUR, BlahBlah is going around pretending to be a black urban youth again. She wears almost as much bronzer as John Boehner. So this season’s excuse for the bro’s to wear matching tank tops is going to be a “birthday” trip to Hawaii, and since it’s Jax’s 52nd birthday and not Lady Hitler’s, he’s calling the shots. And the shot he’s called is that Horshack is not allowed to go. I guess it’s also T1’s birthday because K1 isn’t allowed to go, either, even though Jax would like to include her, so he’s inviting her to his pre-trip birthday lunch instead.

Ariana could not care less if K1 is going to be at this lunch, but that’s not gonna stop ShayNaché from showing her asshole by getting all passive-aggressive with her alleged BFF about not liking K1. Ariana insists she wants nothing to do with this situation, but ShayNaché keeps pushing that Ariana not liking K1 is making things hard for HER, and then tells us that she’s feeling so much closer to K2, who is tolerant of K1, because of it, which she is absolutely sure must threaten Ariana. Because much like Mr. Shay’s “pill problem” (which, in retrospect, feels an awful lot like something from an early episode of Facts of Life), it’s ALL ABOUT SHAYNACHÉ. Ariana is like, girl, you guys can all have each other and leave me out of it.

Lady Pump swings by the bar to warn her favorite SURtenders that Lady Hitler is back on the prowl and is under no circumstances to be permitted onto the premises and must be redirected to Lady Pump herself to handle. The SURtenders are like, sweet, because Lady Hitler is a crappy tipper. Lady Pump is furious that Lady Hitler was so derogatory, disloyal, and dismissive, after “all” Lady Pump did for her. “All” of which goes unspecified, but as Lady Hitler outed herself in an attention-seeking move at the end of season 3 we know Lady Pump paid off an ex-boyfriend who was trying to sell a home video of Lady Hitler in a solo performance.

OHMIWORD IT’S MAX!

Max is here! So glad he’s turned up okay, I was worrying. Max visits Horshack in the smelly alley to discuss Horshack’s plot to get himself invited onto this Hawaii trip after all, which, to sum it up for all the attention worth paying to it, works.

The rejected half of the K’s visits the remaining active K to check out the incredible brown ring T2 gave to K2.

K1 brings wine, and cries. I want to cry too. For the brown ring, and because once again, K1 has NOT washed her hair.

God, she must smell like hell.

At SUR, Horshack begs Lady Pump to allow Max to go along on this trip to Hawaii. Horshack needs Max there to provide Horshack with “access” to BlahBlah’s nether regions. Lady Pump relents, probably because she’s got as good a sense of humor as the rest of us and can’t wait to see how this turns out.

BlahBlah, some chick named Faith, and ShayNaché go bikini shopping. ShayNaché, who is not going to try on suits, blathers about how she wants to renew her vows of about fifteen minutes in Hawaii so she can have another wedding! Yay! BlahBlah looks at a couple options and decides she’s found just the thing:ShayNaché suggests that the coupled-up ladies might not appreciate pasties and a thong. Also, Horshack might get ideas, which makes BlahBlah nervous as she does not want to knock boots with him, especially now that she’s checked out his pickle and it’s more like a cornichon. Who she really wants to knock boots with, ill-advisedly, is still JAX, having recently texted him “boy, come get in my bed” despite the fact that he has this inconvenient teenage girlfriend, Brittany. ShayNaché sternly advises her not to disrespect the magic that Jax and Brittany are making together, and BlahBlah vows to “take a note from the frigid bitches” and act like a lady.

Speaking of the magic between Jax and Brittany, it’s so magical that he has no qualms whatsoever about taking a dump with the door open, cameras rolling and all.

And Brittany unhesitatingly continues to unpack her stuff into the closet and chitchat with Jax about whether or not he invited BlahBlah to Hawaii (which he says he didn’t, but of course he did) while Jax wipes.

Those two lovebirds are meant to be. I can feel it.

So just as soon as Horshack got Lady Pump to sign off on Max’s permission slip for the Season 4 field trip, someone Max got involved in a mysterious fainting spell that resulted in him shoving his teeth through his lip and leaving them in a block of wood, and now he might not going to be able to go to Hawaii after all. ShayNaché is all too happy to tell everyone at Jax’s birthday lunch how this happened, strictly so she can bark at Mr. Shay not to get any ideas about begging for Max’s pain meds. Everyone rolls their eyes. I give this relationship a week past the end of filming.

So while lunch is underway, Horshack, BlahBlah, and Faith visit Max at Villa Rosa for a spot of tea.

And after tea, to take off all their clothes and go for a dip in their bosses’ pool in their underpants.

Topless.

I have half a mind to make my children watch this episode of Pump Rules as a cautionary tale. Not that they are going to be heading out onto reality television if I have anything to say about it, but to make the point that sharing sketchy behavior on social media can be one’s own version of being seen by the world pooping on the potty and running around naked at your employer’s home. It will live on, and not be soon forgotten.

At the birthday lunch, K1 corners T1 in the alley, smoking, to try to AGAIN review their relationship or lack thereof. K1 tries really, really hard to make T1 give a shit, claiming she wants things to be “normal” between them but he does not want normal, he wants silence. Meanwhile, ShayNaché and K2 corner Ariana in the bar trying to make an issue out of how she doesn’t like K1 and her not wanting to hang with her boyfriend’s psycho ex-girlfriend is really just so mean to them! ShayNaché even tells Ariana that her own mother had called with concerns about how Ariana is just so unhappy and what can The Miracle Worker, ShayNaché, do to help? That’s when Ariana realizes she is trapped into going to Hawaii “with assholes”.

It’s time for the field trip, y’all! Everyone meets up at LAX to be cool and make public scenes like this:

URP.

It seems Max was able to push his doctor’s visit back a few days so he got to come after all, fat lips and everything! ShayNaché, who as the old married lady fancies herself everyone’s mother, gets all bossy with him about how he needs to mind his behaviors. She’s really very annoying, isn’t she? Anyway, away they go and this is gonna be a rager, kids!

Next time: we’re in Hawaii, where Jax is going to get arrested for basically being a dumbshit as usual, which is offense enough. And I’m sure we’re gonna see those pasties again.

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“Here’s to Soft Porn” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 7 Recap

Back to the Hamptons with most of our ‘Wives, where they are giving up on the lame Bella launch party in favor of dinner, like these gals eat. Not eating tonight, either; no, we will be sniping, specifically with Lady Pump laying into Eileen about how she and Vinny wrecked both their marriages in getting together. This all begins casually enough with the Lisas tut-tutting about a non-Housewife they know who is embroiled in what’s become a vicious, angry divorce that neither Lisa saw coming (hmm: could they possibly be talking about a certain New York housewife they both know who they will be having social plans with later? Just a thought.). Eileen cannot understand how you can come to hate someone you shared a life with, even though we all know love and hate are a tight twosome. But Eileen is a divorce veteran, having ended marriage #1 after just six months and split with husband #2 upon meeting and falling for current husband (#3) Vinny onset of Y&R.

Lady Pump is fascinated and wants to know how the affair started, the exact timing of their first kiss, when they consummated the situation, when they abandoned their respective spouses, at what point could Eileen not fight this feeling any longer, etc. etc. Basically it’s everything we ALL want to know about this steamy situation, but Eileen firmly insists they both separated from their spouses when they realized something was afoot at the Circle K, and that nothing nefarious happened until they were legitimately free to engage.

Eileen is feeling terribly awkward answering all Lady Pump’s questions and regrets getting on this conversational jag. I think she’s just sorry this is being discussed on camera because that means the various tabloids who care enough to pick this apart could seek out both ex-spouses to confirm or deny the timeline and spill dirty beans on Eileen and/or Vinny (who I am sure could not care less, since he seems not to give a shit about much). Lady Pump is an inquisitor, we all know that; it’s what she does! It’s how she gets every SURver to spill the caca episode after episode, so what does Eileen expect? Lady Pump never repeats gossip, but she loves to Hoover it up, so if you’ve got a good story she’s gonna get it out of you. Eileen should have known better but apparently forgot her big-girl panties. Besides, we already went through all this shit last season and couldn’t have cared less then, either.

The horrible white party finally ends and the Pumps go back to their hotel room while Lipsey, Eileen, and Kyle retreat to the cottage, and in the morning Eileen performs lunges around the pool in her maillot in full view of cameras, passersby, local kayakers, and any neighbor with a pair of binocs.

She’s really gonna have to drop that knee if she wants any legitimate payoff from this grueling workout.

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Kyle phones up her best and most important ‘Wife, Queen B. Yes, it’s a RHONY crossover, kittycats! Aside from the all-Housewives-know-each-other-from-the-club relationship, Kyle and Beth go back 25 years, back to the days of Brooke Shields eyebrow grooming when Beth was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar and stomped up to Kyle, whose ex-boyfriend Beth was then dating, to demand why she would shell out so much for eye makeup remover Kyle then left in the boyfriend’s bathroom.

And with that, they were two halves of a BFF heart necklace ever more. (Of course we all know Beth was once Paris & Nicky’s nanny, later revised by Kyle to chauffeur, so if how Kathy Hilton recruits help is by picking up aggressive confrontational cocktail waitresses to take on her brood of little monsters in the making then I think we have now explained a lot of things across the board.) Anyway, Kyle’s making arrangements to hang with the Queen at some point in the day between winetasting and pop-up shop appearances, and the breeze is making her butt look a little boxy. A veritable elf with a shelf.

But before we can be social with the Queen we must wine-taste with the Lady, who the gals who escaped have to collect from the roadside motel where the Bella party took place (BTW, the Queen hasn’t heard of Bella magazine, either.) Eileen is skeered because she’s still feeling so sensitive about the Pumpterrogation of the night before; Lady Pump feels a bit “muzzy-headed” herself. But they all convene in the limo and off they go to picnic and taste some rosé.

Lipsey decides the thing to do is talk about Erika Girardi behind her behind, rather than allow Lady Pump to ask any more direct questions of the people seated in front of her. Lipsey is the one ‘Wife who has not yet met Erika Girardi, so her only knowledge of the woman is through Google and this is what she saw:

Yee gads! Boobies!

In Lipsey’s defense, if I was about to be vacationing with, much less meet, an individual who even owned a catsuit, much less had performed in one in a music video, much less writhed on a bed with a bevy of diverse sexual options real or fake, I too would have Googled that video up and gone all saucer-eyed at it. You would have, too, admit it. I’m not judgmental, I am fascinated. “Here’s to soft porn!” Lipsey toasts. Cha-ching! and off they go to wander among the vines, all but Kyle who forgot her epipen.

And thus Erika, who we were just talking about, arrives fresh from the Chicago Gay Pride Festival sponsored by Bud Light. Make note, ShayNaché: Erika’s gonna see your nebulous SUR gay pride parade performance and raise you a stage, professional backup dancers, a sound system, and a legitimate brand-name sponsor.

Lipsey scurries out to meet the actual Erika Girardi in the flesh (and so much of it) in the front hall so she can size things up. Why she’s a “cotton candy Chanel Vegas showgirl!” Lipsey declares. Sounds about right, one who apparently got padlocked by the neck to a keg and managed to escape.

Lipsey unhesitatingly informs Erika that she’d Googled her and yee-how! “Har har,” snorts Erika. And why should she be worked up that Lipsey Googled her; isn’t that sort of the point of the whole operation? Eileen points out the irony that a woman who has been in Playboy “many times” is speechless over Erika’s side gig, but, you know, how can you not be? Wait until they find out that Air Girardi is not just one little Cessna. There are far more interesting things about Erika Girardi than her catsuit, methinks.

Speaking of Air Girardi, after the weekend wraps up Erika is going to jet off to Ojai-O to collect Yo, minus the Yoplants. And speaking of that, Lady Pump phones the patient up as she recuperates in her Ojai-O hotel room, Nurse GHDF able at her side fiddling with the drains, to see how she’s doing and how pink are my flowers? She’s doing okay after such an intense surgery, although there are no pink flowers and GHDF pipes up that Mr. Lisa has bigger tatas than Yo now, a comment that I do believe was meant with affection and humor although I know he’s getting roasted for it on a spit now.

Kyle heads out early to have a private audience with Queen B while the daytime divas and Countess Catsuit detour to collect the Pumps at the shabby motel. Kyle pretends to be entirely thrilled by and not the least bit jealous of the Skinnycottage where ‘homeless’ Beth is nesting, black and white and red all over. Queen B’s minions chop and dice and garnish and sprinkle while the Queen teeters around on drag queen stilettos, bowlegged, attired in what appears to be a straitjacket and Chairman Mao pants, size 6X; in general she looks and acts like she has a turd in her pants she’s trying to conceal. Beth greets her old friend with bared fangs and a head lock. I forgot about her lob.

Beth immediately asks about Kimmy’s Target arrest and other wayward antics and because Queen B is a real friend and also an upper-tier Housewife Kyle willingly discusses the undiscussable and how powerless she feels to deal with Kim who doesn’t want help. And also, is nuttier than a Payday bar. Which she comes by honestly, as the Richards Sisters are apparently the progeny of a loonytunes eccentric cat lady who kept 96 diamond rings in a mayonnaise jar.

After a tour Kyle and Queen B settle in on the patio to talk about Erika Girardi, because everyone else is so boring. Kyle introduces the concept of this Housewife with an Alter Ego by introducing the Alter Ego first via Erika’s Instagram. At the moment (this moment, not the one on Bravo) what Erika has going on on Instagram is along the lines of this:

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along with kinky boots, private jets, etc., – you know, the standard operating procedure we’ve come to expect from Erika in the brief time we’ve known each other. “That’s a lotta work – a lotta upkeep,” remarks sassy B. I sniff a wee bit of jelly! Hey, where’s Cookie? Did she have to lock her up so she wouldn’t eat Giggy?

I’m glad because sure enough, when everyone else arrives and piles out of the limo, Mr. Lisa checks in the Lady, the Gigster tucked into in his left armpit as usual. I would not want anything unfortunate to befall our Giggy or our Mr. Lisa. Beth immediately sizes up Erika in person and declares that she “gives zero fucks”. That’s about right, and about awesome, because when is the last time we (or Beth) met anyone who gives zero fucks about Queen B? It’s happening, kittycats.

They sit to eat (scallops; isn’t Beth allergic to seafood?) and The Queen immediately launches into her usual “hilarious caustic New Yawker” banter with a special sprinkle of envious green bitchery over the top. First, when Erika makes a ladylike exit from Beth’s outhouse, Beth shouts that she’s “Bambi crossed with a hooker!” How nice. Then Beth tries to find common ground in their shared career path through cocktail waitressing. Erika gives Beth some Bea Arthur and sniffs that she herself was a particularly excellent cocktail waitress (clearly, as all that has followed launched from her excellency, really). That’s when Beth decides to give Erika a lecture in how to more effectively “sculpt her message” and “brand” herself around “empowerment”. Erika, who could not give a shit if she tried, raises one plucked brow in disdain. If that woman doesn’t OWN and radiate empowerment who does?

Someone else who is finding it may be about to become far too easy to give a shit is Lipsey, who realizes she’s about to pull an Al Roker and makes a hasty exit. Beth barely waves adios to her first departing guest, instead soldiering on through her expert review of Erika’s recent video as “too slow”, “low production value” (read: cheap looking), and “not quite avant garde”. Sounds like Beth wants to get in Nina Gahcia’s pocket. That’s when Lady Pump and Eileen intervene to side with Erika and defend her production value. Not that Erika could give a shit now, either; why would she want advice from some skinny bitch who makes margaritas? She’s not in Erika’s line of work, and Erika’s definitely not in hers. Nor would she want to be. Finally, Erika gives Beth an impromtu lesson in Sexy which causes Beth to split her pajama pants and the turd rolls loose. I knew it was in there the whole time. Beth having been unspeakably rude to her OWN dinner guest for an intolerable length of time, we’re done here.

The next morning, Lipsey (over the shits) further entertains the neighbors by performing yoga on the grass for all to see, before venturing in to get up to date with Eileen. Eileen has been feeling turribly turribly anxious ever since the white party because she’s just so uncomfortable with Lady Pump having pressed an issue that has been thoroughly dissected previously. Lipsey thinks she needs to tell Lady Pump flat out how she feels, because everyone values honesty and it will bring them closer. Riiiight.


Meanwhile Lady Pump has now turned to interrogating Erika, on their way from the no-tell motel (which was perfectly fine for Erika, who hasn’t got time or care to be flummoxed by much of anything) to collect the girls so they can embark on everyone’s dream day out: shopping for kaftans and seeing the Queen, AGAIN, to beg her to sign their books! Oh joy! Lady Pump wants to know everything – everything, dahling – about Erika and her marriage and sex life and what all else. Erika, unlike Eileen, is happy to answer all her questions, because she gives no fucks (especially not about Bethenny Frankel) and likes to tell it like it is, anyway. Plus she sees Lady Pump’s game for what it is: keeping the ducks she has appointed herself to lead all in a nice tidy row.

So when they get to the house, Eileen takes Lady Pump aside to whisper to her that she was feeling really turrible about being interrogated. “Oh darling!” cries Lady Pump. “I wouldn’t want to ask you anything that makes you feel uncomfortable!” She just thought they were sharing – tell her to shut up, for God’s sakes! Eileen agrees she will do so in the future, and privately points out that she thinks part of her discomfort is that Lady Pump asks a lot of questions but doesn’t share a lot herself. Well observed.

Next time: Erika gives no fucks about Beth, and the Queen don’t like it. Eileen shares some unpleasant facts about a past relationship, Yo is on the mend, and Lipsey introduces us to yet another new Housewife. Cheerio, toots!

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Raisins with Pancakes 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 6 Recap

Another Housewives trip, this time to the Hamptons, which means the obligatory packing scene so we can check out the closets. And Kyle’s having some problems; (a) she wants to wear a pink dress to a white party, and (b) her closet is collapsing like a bad facelift. I relate to this.  

Kyle has got a pop-up Kaftan Shack operating in Southampton this summer, so she’s gonna see how that’s going and if it’s good, open up a Kaftans East in New York City. I just really don’t see how Kaftans By Kyle is going to translate to NYC, but maybe she can get the space next door to the DASH store and try for a spinoff which will get cancelled after one season.

While Kyle and Lil’ Portia (who with one hoop earring and her braids is looking very Aladdin’s Lamp to me) assess the destruction in the closet, Lipsey Rinna has already arrived in Philadelphia for this month’s QVC sale. Her usual Sheraton suite is ready, and so is Lipsey, armed with a canister of alcohol wipes to sanitize the shit out of that place. As I do not share her degree of OCD and further do not travel enough to really overthink it, it never would have occurred to me to speculate on prior hotel room activities until my sister, visiting Pittsburgh of all places, sent me a photo of the TV remote with a really icky intimate-hygiene-related sticker transposed onto it. I’m now thinking that Lipsey Rinna is a smart cookie.

Erika Jayne Girardi is touring the grounds of her five-acre, 17,000 square foot residential spread with her assistant who scribbles a honey-do list as Queenie barks commands. Erika is very pleased by how she klassed up this tired pile of rubble with nude self-portraits in every room. Erika Girardi will be swinging into the Hamptons after she pops off for an appearance at Gay Pride Chicago in her Erika Jayne persona, and she’s got her head bitch in charge up in the anteroom to help her select her wardrobes. He’s thinking the pink bondage catsuit with the thigh-high studded boots for Chicago, and the Alaia gladiator vag-venting skirt for the Hamptons. Excellent choices.

Lady Pump is also packing, because this whole Hamptons excursion is really All About Lisa, who is appearing on the cover of a magazine called Bella with the Gigster and the magazine is having a “white party” for her. (a) Aren’t white parties so Puff Daddy with the umbrella handler? (b) Is this another imaginary magazine that only exists to have people like So Morgan on the cover for Housewives purposes? This article confirms pretty much all my suspicions about these Housewives parties.

Anyway: Lady Pump is consulting with Mr. Lisa on her packing, naturally, when she suddenly realizes she’s five minutes past the hour when she was supposed to call Kyle and commiserate over Kimmy’s then-recent arrest at Target for attempting to shoplift thousands of dollars worth of merch, which for purposes of this broadcast has been redefined as $600 worth of toys intended to make Lil’ Portia really happy. So, she calls, and by this time Kyle is overwrought and can’t discuss it because Lil’ Portia is right there and will be crushed if she finds out Auntie Kim is not showing up with that promised haul of Bratz dolls after all. Foiled again!

Eileen is also packing while Vinny lounges on the bed and complains. Is this the master bedroom? It’s very elderly nothing to see here. Eileen asks Vinny to remove a price tag from a flowery Dacron old lady sack and he goes berserk that she paid $496 for it. $496! Eileen thinks it’s none of his business as they split the bills down the middle, she works and can buy her own $496 old lady sacks if she wants to, and besides, when does she question his betting habits? I think Vinny is worked up about her taste level, personally.

Yo is in ‘Bu ALSO packing, because she’s off to get her boobies removed in Ojai-O. Yo says her boobies ruptured when she fell on them 10 years ago, a statement that leaves me wanting so much more detail but none is offered. Interestingly, while her dear mama is not coming on this trip, GHDF is and so is Health Advocate Daisy. Health Advocate Daisy is a hovering presence, not unlike the relationship between the midget who runs Scientology and Tom Cruise. I am beginning to wonder whether we shouldn’t be speculating about Munchausen’s by proxy here when it comes to Health Advocate Daisy. If Yo miraculously heals, where does Health Advocate Daisy go to get a new gig? Craigslist?

Erika Girardi goes to The Palm in a remarkably un-subtle leopard dress to meet her husband for lunch and show off. She’s not going to make it to Lady Pump’s white party because of the gays, but she WILL ultimately stop in the Hamptons before swinging down to meet Mr. Girardi in Florida or somewhere easily accessed by “the small plane” (for regional travel, as opposed to “the big plane” for trans-continental and Europe). Erika is not like the rest of those Beverly Hills bitches; she eats cake. Also, she’s on a two-cheek air-kissing basis with the chief of police. Does the chief of police of every metropolis wear a regular patrol uniform? Apparently.

Yo has arrived in Ojai-O and heads off to be rendered, in her description, “a toothless, boobless, brainless wonder”. GHDF laughs, ruefully. Health Advocate Daisy purses her lips. Yo wheels into the surgical clinic to be greeted by Dr. Fung, who is wearing a shower cap and matching housecoat.

Yo and GHDF seem very, very nervous, and I can’t blame them.

Meanwhile, Lipsey Rinna shills a shearling jacket and a cozy cardigan on QVC. It takes an hour, and the poo-brown sweater inexplicably sells out before the black or even the olive, but just like that she makes what her old boutique, Bella Gray, used to do in a whole year. How do I get a QVC selling gig? Lipsey refers to her target customer as Shirley. Don’t call me Shirley, Rinna.

After waking favorite child Gigi up at midnight in Australia, Yo goes under, wedding ring intact because she has never removed it, not once. Not yet, at least. Health Advocate Daisy and the Bravo cameras are on hand to document it all while GHDF sleeps in the waiting area. Dr. Feng pulls out implant #1 and it looks like a bloody fried egg. Good thing Yo’s getting these things out. 

After 7 hours the surgery is done, and predictably it was so much worse than anyone expected. Like Dr. Fung is going to come out and tell GHDF it was a breeze and really, she could have left those moldy bags in there. GHDF appears appropriately concerned and loving, even if he is entirely too old to be wearing ripped jeans and spiky hair as a fashion statement.

Having arrived in NYC, the Pumps helicopter to the Hamptons to get the party started. She’s arranged for all her friends to also get free rooms at the Capri, where the party is taking place, but Kyle and Eileen have already arrived and vetoed the place due to noise and no room service. Luckily enough, Rumbly Mauricio just happened to be able to set them up in a fabulous house nearby where it’s quiet, stocked with eats, and not a dump. In fact, it has a lovely pool along with close access to a flowing waterway, and live deer.

Kyle is sure Lady Pump is going to be furious, which is why they left her a post-it note. This she receives upon check-in to her swag endowed lounge, LVP sangria chilling in a Perrier-Jouet ice bucket (tsk tsk!), and once she actually reads it she is shocked. SHOCKED I tell you, that her friends had the nerve to leave the hotel rooms she so thoughtfully arranged for them! They invite her to ditch her own room and move on in, but she thinks that would be rude, and high maintenance.

So anyway, it’s time for the party to celebrate Lady Pump’s Bella cover. Or, really, Giggy’s. 

Lady Pump swans in wearing a white wedding gown and a very large hat.  

Her high-maintenance friends, meanwhile, roll up in a limo full of trash.

Lady Pump is so very disappointed. She wanted to party hearty with these ladies, but they are all exhausted and can’t be bothered. Lady Pump is about to tell them to get their sorry asses into “club mode”, but Kyle pulls the Kim card. She has been unable to sleep and emotionally overwrought since Kim’s arrest, she says, then zips her lips like a toddler who doesn’t want to eat peas. It’s a sensitive topic, and yet these bitches don’t care! Well, perhaps they keep asking about it since you brought it up, Kyle. Le sigh.

Next time: it’s a RHONY crossover when the ‘Wives hang with Queen B! (BTW, apparently the Kountess, Doritos, and Avivisection were at this “white party” but did we see them? Nope, not even when Fat John tried to push Doritos into the pool.) Erika shows up and Queen B gets all over her jock, while Lady Pump grills Eileen about her marriage and the affair that started it all. ‘Til sometime next week…

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Of Mini-Horses and Munchausen 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episodes 4 and 5 Recap

Mr. Little Mama took the boys to the farthest corner of across town to see Star Wars in IMAX, which means I am ALONE IN THE HOUSE for the first time in two weeks! Ohmiword. The possibilities are endless, but first I begin with a facial masque that would otherwise scare the children and getting up to date on this recap. (Pump Rules has been neglected for the holidays.)

The Rosebud mission to Ojai-O having failed, Lady Pump has rebounded nicely and sought out a friend named Hank to secure her a little horse. Why go to some strange cracker for a little horse when you had Hank in the first place? Up pulls an Escalade and out pop Hank and a gal named Tina who has some seriously hard-looking implants and not one but TWO tiny horses!

Yes, it’s a rental Caddy full of tiny horses, the explanation being that they were calmer on the plane to have each other.

The tiny horses are not mother and child or even related, but they certainly are cuter together. This means, though, Lady Pump is going to have to write a fatter check. The gals drag the tiny horses over the bridge upon which they are not to poo and force them into the house so Rocio can make them a spot of tea. Your lives are about to change, tiny horses.

Erika Girardi is across town calling her husband. She interrupts him at the office four to five times a day. Mr. Little Mama would kill me, or turn off his phone. What is this room, the lounge, literally? I want a room like this, dedicated to sitting quietly under a fur throw in one’s cozy plush robe, but with a strapping young man to brush my hair and more attractive drapes.

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Having disrupted her high-powered-attorney-husband’s day, Erika steps out to the drag queen store to get shoved into her costume for her next tour. Erika loves a compression catsuit. Her catsuit designer looks oddly like a fitness instructor I know.

I really feel like the only reason Erika got hired for this gig was for the catsuit scenes.

Eileen and Vinny take a minute from their busy days to meet for kale at True Food Kitchen. Vinny spent the morning, or some time recently, at the Del Mar racetrack and won $600 in honor of his late dad who loved the horses. Eileen is tweaked that she was not invited and apologizes for being bitchy about childcare planning, but it’s really Vinny’s fault because he doesn’t help. Vinny tells Eileen not to “attack” him in the early morning, and better yet not to even speak to him until 9-ish. I really hope this isn’t going to be their storyline this season.

Lipsey Rinna and her daughters also meet up for kale to talk about how Lipsey is staying home to do some Housewifely stuff while the girls are being sent to Canada with Husband Harry Hamlin for a few weeks.

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The little Hamlins are resigned, if unenthused, and concerned about being eaten by bears.

It’s time for the small horse unveiling! Mr. Lisa rolls up in his sweet Bentley convertible and Lady Pump hustles him through the glass gate to meet his presents. He is dumbfounded. She got him the damn horse after all, and it multiplied? “Shit, shit, shit everywhere” is what Mr. Lisa predicts. Not unlike having a pair of pugs, sir.

The Girardis come over to visit the Fosters at the Yo Chateau. Erika, Yo reminds us, is a devoted friend. She’s heading out soon to perform at a show in Chicago, whereas GHDF is off to Europe to meet the Pope. “How about if Erika performs for the Pope?” Yo suggests. GHDF thinks that’s a BRILLIANT idea. One Pope ago it might have been crazy, but I can see Francis being into a compression catsuit.

Having taken Lil’ Portia to pitch a hysterical fit over getting her closed-up ear repierced, Kyle now takes her to acting classes. The End.

Yo’s Health Advocate, Daisy, helps her make pill packets for ten days so Yo can go ‘reconnect’ with GHDF’s soul on a yacht in Canada, and we all know how that turned out. It certainly looks like it was beautiful and they had a nice enough time when Yo was feeling well enough to do anything, but as she said, they were “either going to all get through together, or not.” Not, sadly enough. (And we’ll all miss the lemons, and the fridge, and the fabulous travel, but GHDF seems like a bit of a PITA to me.)

Lady Pump has everyone, or most everyone, over to inspect the tiny horses. They kill time waiting for Eileen, who seems to always be late, by chatting about Kimmy. Has Kyle heard from her? No (stop asking). Lady Pump sniffs that Kim had called her a phony and then went and did Sharknado 3. Why does Lady Pump care one toot about Kim Richards calling her phony?

So instead, they talk about Yo, who seems to be having a great and very healthy time in Canada. Lipsey wants to know: what is Yo’s message, and why does she share so much on social media? People are asking! Kyle is getting nervous. She thinks this is something to speculate upon in your head but not out loud. But out loud Lipsey speculates, now reading definitions of “true” Munchausen (“those affected feign disease, illness, or psychological trauma to draw attention, sympathy, or reassurance to themselves”) off her phone. Uh oh. It seems “people” were questioning whether this is what’s going on with Yo, and Lipsey “engaged”. You is in trouble, girl! Eileen advises her to confess to Yo at the appropriate time, and so off they go to chase tiny horses and pretend all is well.

(In Lipsey’s defense, when she was reading this bit off her phone I initially thought she was suggesting that Yo might have Munchausen’s by proxy, which rings true to me because I have a lot of questions about what Health Advocate Daisy is doing to Yo with all those pills.)

Episode 6 finds us with Lipsey shopping at Kaftans R’ Us because Rumbly Mauricio told her to go buy whatever she wanted ‘on him’ for her birthday! Lipsey totally relates to Kyle’s pleasure in the retail business because she, too had a cute lil’ store for a while until the recession and repeat burglars hit. Kyle shares that she’s doing a Kaftan pop-up store in Southampton soon and why don’t they make it a girls’ weekend? High pitched squeals. Lipsey chooses a calf leather moto jacket which (a) proves there is more than caftans at Kaftans R’ Us, and (b) by comparison highlights just how stumpy Kyle looks in her hugh-waisted denim skirt.

Lady Pump and Mr. Lisa are wrestling swan Hanky into the back seat of the Pumpmobile to take him to the vet about his stomach infection and watery poop. I hope he doesn’t poop any of that water on Lady Pump in the back seat. They need to get this Hanky situation resolved before Lady Pump jets off for something conveniently involving Hamptons Magazine in the Hamptons. You would think a swan situation would call for a mobile vet, no?

Yo and Erika meet Kyle in the park to make the New Housewife intro, walk 50 feet, and then provide background dialogue for future scenes. Erika and Kyle hit it off because they are the same age and were both child brides and thereafter teen single moms. Erika’s adult son is a police officer, while Flopsy, who is about the same age, is a Realtor©.

Enough of that, let’s talk about Yo! Yo is going to Cleveland in Ojai-O to get her silicone implants removed because they are leaking. And that’s really bad because she breastfed her kids (who thereby ate silicone?) and two of them already have suppressed immune systems because they, too, have The Lyme Disease. Kyle is shocked; this is the first she’s heard of this. Did Daughter #2 and My Love Anwar get bit by the same tick as Yo or something? Yo thinks this all came from horses since they lived on a horse ranch before they moved to Malibu four years ago. Anyway, Yo’s going clean: no fake boobs, no Botox. No one really knows the long-term consequences of that stuff anyway. Erika pats her on the knee in solidarity and then rearranges her own fake girls. She’s not giving up her tits or ‘Tox.

Lipsey entertains a housecall from her hoochie waxer, Eiko, before her long trip to Canada. “She’s known my hoo-hoo longtime,” shares Lipsey. 😶 I thought we’d already heard that Husband Harry Hamlin Likes Hair, but I really don’t want to explore this further. Hair free and care free.

Eileen receives Lady Pump and Kyle on a tour of the studio where they shoot Y&R. Lady Pump demands to be cast as a black cleaning lady and is mystified by the vending machine. No small bills! They are heading off to have drinks with Yo’s New Friend Erika that afternoon so they have to revisit the Munchausen’s accusation. Lady Pump sniffs that she did not like that whole conversation, but Eileen is certain that Yo will understand that Lipsey is not malicious and was just responding to “people talking”.

And so it’s time for drinks at the Sofitel so that Lady Pump, Eileen, and Kyle can meet Erika Girardi. Lady Pump is shocked; where did Yo pick up Real Life Barbie? Oh, their husbands are friends. Of course.

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Lady Pump has lots of questions for Erika Jayne Girardi: these ‘disco hits’, why has Lady Pump never heard them? With all those dj’s she employs… speaking of, Erika Girardi met Mr. Girardi when she was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar! Lady Pump is aghast, picturing all her SURvers abandoning their posts to take up with her elderly clientele segment. And also: he’s 32 years older than Erika. Yes, he’s older than Mr. Lisa, by six years. Lady Pump has all sorts of technical questions about whether Mr. Girardi can get it up let alone maintain it and Erika assures her things did not collapse once Mr. Girardi passed over to the twilight years.

Speaking of, at Mr. Lisa’s birthday party Tay Armstrong was so very, very tacky in yakking about Yo’s illness, which prompts Eileen to jump in and make all sorts of apologies for Lipsey getting caught up in a misconstrued conversation with people speculating about what is going on with Yo. Yo is confused; she had merely heard Lipsey was caught up in this silly conversation with Tay on camera, now there’s a whole ‘nother conversation Lipsey got caught up in off camera? Shut up shut up shut up mutters Kyle. Good times ahead for Lipsey.

Yo goes home to prepare for her implant-removal trip to Cleveland, pick her last lemons, and show her kids her will.

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Gigi thought they were just having a nice bowl of tomato soup with “grilled cheese dippers” and is not happy about this morbid turn of events, but Yo lost her dad suddenly and wants to make sure someone will take care of her children (and also her mom and brother). Um, don’t these kids, who all but one are technically adults, also have a dad? It’s not like they are going to be taken to the orphanage.

Next time: there’s a bunch of hoo-ha in the Hamptons and Lady Pump gets left behind! Also, Yo gets the implants explanted. I wonder what else they’ll find in there.

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“Did You Want a Little Horse?” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 3 Recap

Busy week, kids! It seems so very long ago that Lady Pump and Kyle were traipsing around Italy, but here they are shopping in Florence. Lady Pump is wearing some highly impractical 6″ platform espadrilles, and Kyle is wearing this:

Florentines are staring at them on the street, and not in a good way. Kyle’s top is hideous, and droopy. They are out shopping for something for Kyle to wear to the Nicky Hilton Wedding Of The Century, since she’s now permitted to attend for purposes of babysitting Lil’ Portia un-uninvited, and rather than shop at an upscale boutique they pop into the Florence outpost of Kaftans By Kyle so she can use her employee discount. Of course, it doesn’t really matter what she wears since she’s going to be stuck in the back behind a column and no one is going to acknowledge her. The next day, the Pumps are up and out early to pop into “a friend’s” luxury helicopter and speed off to Monte Carlo, darlings. Ciao!

Lipsey goes to get her nails done with her lovely daughters and set up her field trip to Ohio with Lady Pump to collect the tiny horse. In other domestic news, Eileen is at home trying to herd the squirrels into action and no one is listening to her. Also, she hid her iPad from son Jesse so well that she can’t remember where she put it, all the men are sucked into mouseturbating with their devices, and she’s a little tweaked that she has to be the master of all domains whereas husband Vinny only needs to worry about his own damn business. Story of my life.

Alert! ALERT! Yo is ON THE MOVE! She’s up, she’s out, she’s perky, and she’s bringing new Housewife Erika Girardi to the naturopath to get vitamin C IVs for two. Twinsies!

Actually, not so much, because this is Erika Girardi:

Nothing natural about this gal other than the vitamin C drip (which, really, isn’t so natural). She’s had it all done, and why not? She’s married to a much older gentleman who is apparently this character from Erin Brockovich:

She was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar when she met Mr. Girardi, and finally one day she slipped him her number (probably after he hit it big with the dirty water lawsuit), and boom! they’ve been married 15 years. She believes money hasn’t changed her because if you were an asshole before you got rich you’ll be an asshole later anyway, which is true. Anyway, Erika meows in her baby voice about her fear of the needle but she finally gets it, and it’s better than a colonic which I suspected anyway. Has to be better than a home colonic and losing part of the apparatus in your kiester like a certain OC housewife we know.

Onward! Eileen heads out to meet Lipsey for lunch and gets major snark eye from the casually-attired gents waiting at the door for a table.

And, as it turns out, she and Lipsey are BOTH in leopard! This has happened before to Lipsey with The Glands last season. This has never, ever happened to me, probably because I do not wear leopard.

Kyle is not wearing leopard; no, she is wearing fireworks pants when she arrives. Eileen demands to know what’s going on with Kim escaping rehab, which makes Kyle visibly uncomfortable and it’s unclear whether she has a clue what’s going on. Lipsey thinks Kim is flat-out dangerous and we are offered a clip of a previous conversation they had in a roadside park which resulted in Kim stalking off, hopping a wall, and wandering into oncoming traffic. She is a hazard, that Kim.

A new day dawns and at 4:45 a.m. Lipsey and her giant coffee arrive to collect Lady Pump for the Lucy N’ Ethel Go To Ohio excursion. Lady Pump covered things with Mr. Lisa by saying they were going to OJAI, not Ojai-O, and her friend “Mossy” has lent him their jet for the outing. What kind of name is “Mossy”, and why do I suspect he’s a little sketchy? Anyway, he has a nice little jet and off they go to Columbus to acquire the little horse. Due to the nature of this excursion, they have dressed like Cowgirl Jessie from Toy Story:  

and as only a 1980s era Lincoln limo was available to ferry them about in Columbus, they clutch the oh-shit handles like a pair of elderly nancies, which only gets worse when a freak, violent thunderstorm breaks out. This is tornado alley, Lisas! Get to the cellar!

When the weather clears, the Lisas arrive to meet the tiny horse, who’s name is Rosebud. Rosebud turns out to be a pregnant, albino tutu-wearing donkey.  

And as Lady Pump discovers while Lipsey runs around chasing chickens and sitting in boxes, Rosebud is a bit defective. Lady Pump doesn’t know what to do; she has a soft side for defective animals (exhibit A: the hairless Giggy), but she’s not sure whether bringing home a defective tiny horse for Mr. Lisa is actually a great gift. So she calls him to ask what he thinks; “did you want a little horse?” Um, NO. he offers the reasonable suggestion that Rosebud be checked out by a vet and they make a decision later. So off they go to booze up and fly back as fast as Mossy’s little jet can carry them, because five hours in Columbus without even a tiny horse to show for it has taken its toll.

While the Lisas are off in the central midwest, it’s time for us to meet our new Housewife’s alter ego, Erika JAYNE. Two for the price of one! Erika Jayne is a singer and has had a whole bunch of #1 singles, apparently on the ‘dance club’ charts. I guess these are the kinds of songs they use for BodyPump. Erika is rehearsing for a video, and this is the getup her gay mafia has contrived for her:

Erika thinks it needs to lose the target over the ladybits, and I agree but am not sure how they are going to adjust for that. Under her choreographer’s barked instructions, Erika Jayne writhes on the floor, musically. “Crawl kittycat! Meow!” he shouts. SEXXXXXY.

It’s time for Lady Pump’s tea party for Mr. Lisa’s birthday, because, you know, he’s not a 70-year-old man but in fact a 7-year-old girl. “Do not poo on my bridge!”, Lady Pump yells at her swans. If you don’t want swans pooing on your bridge, maybe you don’t get swans in the first place?

Guests were apparently instructed to wear white, and Lady Pump is wearing my favorite 110˚+ Garnet Hill summer sundress, which is fabulous when a gal has to sit on the pool deck sweltering in the sun for five hours but a somewhat odd choice for Mr. Lisa’s birthday tea party. “I see your tits,” he tells her; I think he would have preferred a different wardrobe decision. Or, maybe he likes seeing the tits. Who knows. Upon arrival guests have to accept a giant hat from Lady Pump’s staffed Tree of Hats, and Kyle is immediately tweaked that she got the last available hat that no one else wanted and it clashes with her lipstick.

Everyone was invited except Erika Girardi, including many of the Ghosts of Housewives Past, specifically Tay Armstrong and her new husband who is clearly very, very excited to be there. Tay says they are moving to LA and in fact there’s a house for sale down the street! Fuck no, replies Lady Pump. Lipsey arrives carrying a toy pony on a stick for Mr. Lisa, which is cute, and appears stricken when introduced to Tay. Tay crows that Lipsey actually has a bigger mouth than she does, and AHEM but you are wrong, bitch.

Look, it’s Camille! Looking great as usual. “It was this or nipples,” she says of her dress options. Why not both? Pandy is there, Franck is there, and you know who is not there? MAX. Poor Max, never included in these events, even if it’s his dad’s birthday. He’s down at SUR bussing tables and smoking in the smelly alley.

As a light, unscheduled rain begins to fall, the guests take their seats and Tay starts blathering about Yo, loudly, to anyone who will listen. Has Tay ever even met Yo? Doesn’t really matter, she follows her on Instagram and thinks all her selfies – sick selfies, well selfies – are so weird, you guys! Tay, who got her degree at the Meghan King Edmonds School of Amateur Medicine and Pharmaceuticals, smells a misdiagnosis, as do we all, but unlike Tay we are speculating not at a garden tea party but online via a reality TV recap where that sort of behavior is appropriate. This is just tacky, tacky, tacky. The Housewives gulp and avert their eyes.

Lady Pump interrupts the awkward oratory to toast Mr. Lisa, who is turning 70 but “will be seeing 69 very soon.” ICK! “Who from?” Mr. Lisa pipes up. Har-de-har-har. Giving up for the rain, everyone starts to venture inside, but not Kyle. No, Kyle needs some attention, and as she can’t find a suitable table to mount and perform the splits, she decides to stroll into the pool, splash around a bit, and eventually throw Eileen in. That’s when things get crazy with everyone into the pool, including poor Mr. Lisa.

Oh dear, Mr. Lisa is still recuperating from both hips being replaced, and his pants are unlined. He freezes in the water for a moment to ensure he is not drowning, both legs are attached, and to consider whether or not he put on man panties this morning, and assuring himself all is well submits to retrieval by all the wet, sheer Housewives for a nice float like it’s water therapy. Oh you crazy kids.

Next time: lets speculate that Yo has Munchausen’s Syndrome!

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“Gay It Up” 🍹 Pump Rules Season 4 Episode 6 Recap

It’s Gay Pride day, y’all! Lady Pump arrives at SUR to find Jax without a tie and his SURshirt unbuttoned to his navel. He thinks it’s Sexy and Unique; she thinks he looks like Tom Jones. It’s NOT unusual after all! Last year PUMP got all the gay pride love, this year Lady Pump is going to make sure her SURvers get stiffed too by throwing a charity party on the premises, details of which are sort of left vague. The length and the girth of it is that the SURvers will get the tip and then some this year. Jax is so excited his incredibly nasal voice goes up an octave. I’m willing to bet his fourth nose job of the year to correct that will be featured this season, and then in the 5th go-around his nose will fall off altogether a la Michael Jackson.

Jax and ShayNaché meet up in the coffee closet making cappucinos because busboy Max is nowhere to be found, probably out back smoking. They discuss what each would do with five days to live. ShayNaché would waste half her alloted time traveling to and from the pyramids of Egypt, whereas Jax would knock a few people off, starting with Horshack. He’s jelly Horshack landed BlahBlah, you know. Actually, he’s jelly that Horshack has been getting the majority of the SUR ladybits since he added DJ headphones to his tank top collection. ShayNaché does not get his appeal as she, like me, has a rule about never knocking boots with boys whose butts are smaller than hers. It’s good to learn this early.

Anyway, Jaxy is planning to lure BlahBlah away so that he can lay pipe and then ditch her, and ShayNaché helpfully advises him to get her drunk, because, you know, that’s… not the least bit morally questionable. She also shares that Mr. Shay wants to come for Gay Pride which Jaxy also thinks is morally questionable because he’s in some form of recovery. ShayNaché thinks it’s okay if he only gets partially drunk because she couldn’t date a man who is dead sober. Also, she’s okay if he gets baked once in a while. Also, bitch: you is MAWWIED. On a related note, K2 and Ariana check out the ghastly getups Lady Pump picked out for them to wear on Pride Day to ensure she looks significally hotter by comparison, and promise to wrangle ShayNaché into remembering she’s married and giving a shit about her husband’s welfare. 

Tragically, BlahBlah is apparently over the implosion of her nascent and ill-advised sexual detour with Horshack and lets him INTO HER HOUSE where he does this.

They then proceed to make beautiful music together.

It’s every bit as magical as you would have expected, especially when Horshack shares that getting bitten on the back of the arm during intercourse really causes him to achieve liftoff. I’ve more often heard a surprise out back does the trick, but I wouldn’t know about either and DO NOT CARE or want to hear another word about it. But we aren’t getting off that easy. Oh, and ALSO: Horshack comes by his magical musicality naturally, because George Michael is his godfather. It all makes sense now. 

The Ts and Mr. Shay hit the afrobrazilian dance studio and hump the floor. It’s so horrifying that Mr. Shay has to go out back and throw up.

After, T2 reveals he will be proposing imminently as the brown chip will be ensconced in its plastic setting next week. Also: things aren’t so great with the Shays. He’s trying to communicate better, but ShayNaché can’t stop texting long enough to listen to a complete though, and without the pills he’s consuming more Otter Pops than ever. But he’s gonna keep on keeping on, and isn’t too worried about coming to Gay Pride At SUR because drinking has never really been his jam. Ok doke Dr. Drew.

Meanwhile, ShayNaché drags poor Ariana along with her to get her named changed on her driver’s license at the DMV, because that’s so NICE and THOUGHTFUL and I am sure Ariana has nothing better to do than fart around the California DMV on her day off. ShayNaché has dressed in her best underthings for the photo and artfully tucks her chin to achieve maximum eye size and neck minimization. When she launches her lifestyle advice blog it will be all about how to selfie.

ShayNaché is the happiest she’s ever been with Mr. Shay. (A conditional statement which begs the question when the happiest she’s really ever been was, and how far down the list this “happy” is.) Also: she’s not ShayNaché now, she’s SHEENA Shay. ShayNaché is just too rhymy. SheeNaché, however…

Gay Pride time, y’all! That magical day when it’s safe to take the kids downtown.

Lady Pump bustles around PUMP telling her PUMPers to “gay it up” because the gays are coming! The gays are coming! Horshack is running, literally, down the street with his headphones and laptop and dragging his bony ass behind him. He’s been conspicuously attentive to his tank top choice today so that he can show off his “battle wounds” to fullest effect.

Yes, ratty old Horshack got a bitch to bite his arm, and it was NOT BlahBlah. Mr. Lisa knows who it was! It was “a little hostess from SUR”, Lauren, and he’s clearly more skeeved than Lady Pump.

The SURvers gather at SUR in their Minnie Mouse costumes to prepare for the Gay Deluge. T&A zoom up like a pair of flying monkeys from The Wiz

The bartenders prepare by doing shots, because who needs a sober bartender? Certainly not Lady Pump who is wearing her biggest hat to keep the randoms and Horshacks from making actual face contact.
I wasn’t sure it was possible for these tragically unflattering dresses to be made to look worse, but then backward trucker hats are added, proving that in fact, there’s more.

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Drunk Jaxy screams at BlahBlah until she gets up close and sees what he really looks like in daylight.

OH YEAH BABY. Gimme some of that!

Horshack gets done at PUMP and trots over to SUR in his smallest tank top ever, to be greeted by (eek!) BOTH BlahBlah and Small Hostess Lauren at the door. Ooops! How silly! 

Seeing the hickeys all over Horshack’s arm, BlahBlah can tell from the angle that he didn’t give them to himself practicing and MUST have gotten someone to tickle his starfish, and she’s all MAD and dorky about it. Horshack preens. His nemesis Jax, who is now completely loaded and yelling at customers, smashes a bottle into his ice chest and gets understanding and sympathy from the maintenance man rather than fired.

But if that’s not the wheels off, here comes K1! I thought she wasn’t allowed into SUR? Well, in she is, and she heard from Horshack’s roommate that whatever was going on with the biting also involved the cops at 5 a.m., but that’s not really explained even though I am far more curious about that than I am about what’s going to happen when BlahBlah finds out that Horshack screwed her best little bestie, Small Hostess Lauren. Which, she does, out in the smelly alley where the entire staff is smoking and gossiping and generally neglecting their positions.

And she’s actually mad rather than barking with amused laughter, and storms off to confront Small Hostess Lauren which results in a rather bizarre Three Stooges type chase scene wherein Small Hostess Lauren tries to stay off camera and mike and deal with her far more attractive ACTUAL boyfriend. I now realize that BlahBlah seems more mad that she’s going to have to stage this scene about Horshack getting laid without anyone to interact with now that Small Hostess Lauren is hiding, so she chases down Jaxy, agrees to get drunk and possibly consider making even more bad decisions on T2’s filthy diseased couch with him, and they leave. “Let’s get it popping, daddy,” says she. I may have to try that line on the mister tonight if I can say it without laughing. And now I need to go shower and wash my eyeballs out. 

Next time: Jaxy has girl problems between Horshack with the lady arms and that silly filly from Kentucky who inconveniently returns to LA. The Ts go in for their followup business plan review with no plan, and we have to be subjected to more tirades from Horshack about Jax and K1 which is frankly bullshit at this point. When is Lady Hitler coming back? I am starting to miss her and her tiny, black heart.

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“She Loves Muumuus” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 2 Recap

It’s the Saturday before the Umanskys are set to jet to Europe to yacht around the Mediterranean as a family followed by side trips to Tuscany with the Pumps and London for Nicky Hilton’s wedding, and Rumbly Mauricio is super busy with like 97 showings today that he’s personally handling, no underlings here. This, along with the trip itself (now becoming an annual happening) is meant to underline and exclamation point one critical thing: Rumbly Mauricio is SUPER SUPER SUCCESSFUL and the best realtor in town, you guys! He’s the shit, the big time, the BMOC. More on that later.

At the Pump du Palais, Lady Pump is packing, because even though she and Mr. Lisa presumably aren’t leaving tomorrow if they are meeting the Umanskys in Tuscany in, like, a week, they need to tie this all together therefore Lady Pump is considering gowns from The Pump Kollection for Kyle to borrow, because they are supposedly the same size horizontally if not vertically. That’s plausible, but Mr. Lisa isn’t buying it, and thinks Kyle needs a muumuu because “she loves muumuus”. Cue the muumuu montage.

Lipsey Rinna is showing off her birthday earrings from Husband Harry Hamlin to her daughters and their friends, and then dials up her parents for what is apparently a very rare telephone check-in during which her daughters’ friends get to participate in all the gory detail about her dad’s recent penis catheterization. Despite being all emotional visiting her aging parents last season, at this point Lipsey is over it because it’s “the circle of life”, and who needs to stay up to date on old people’s hospitalizations, even if they are the folks from whose loins you sprang once upon a time? There are lucrative adult diaper ads to film! Lipsey bids them adios and hopes dad’s penis feels better.

Eileen and Vinny visit Palm Springs because his late dad Dickie has his star on the Walk of Fame there, where he’s honored as an “actor/pet lover”, rather than LA, which would be more convenient but also more competitive. Eileen is doubly traumatized because her sister also recently died of breast cancer, basically in secret. What is with these people?

At some point here Lady Pump calls Kyle about the choice of muumuu and Kyle reveals that she’s been uninvited to the Hilton wedding in London. Bum bum BUM!

what ‘chu talking ’bout, Willis?
via

Lady Pump and Lipsey get together to day-drink rose and plot: Lady Pump plans to buy Mr. Lisa a tiny horse for his upcoming 70th birthday, and she needs Lipsey to go to Ohio with her to procure said horse and also supervise it until the unveiling. I can’t wait.

Yo goes to an alarmingly-youthful oral surgeon operating out of what looks like a boutique to get her gold fillings removed. It seems she has high metal levels in her blood, and thinks it’s her old mercury fillings and/or her current gold fillings causing the problem, so she’s going to get them out. Mr. Little Mama, who comes from a family of dentists, is howling in outrage that she is making matters worse by disrupting them, and what is she going to do when she ends up toothless? Just as Yo goes into the Michael Jackson Power Nap, GHDF arrives to sit and watch and feign concern as Yo goes all stiff and gaggy. Now Mr. Little Mama is horrified that there’s an audience. Fillings are extricated, GHDF stands, asks “what now, no sex for 48 hours? OK.” and walks out, leaving Yo’s ladysitter to rearrange her ponytail. See ya later, David.

It’s time to reunite with the Pumps and Umanskys in Italy. The Pumps are driven to the Tuscan villa they will be cohabiting in an A/C-less minivan, whereas most Umanskys travel by short bus, all except Rumbly Mauricio and Mopsy, who rent a Ferrari and get lost.

via

Finally, they are all accounted for and take their rooms. I think they found this place on VRBO; it looks lovely on the outside (and not very old), but sort of randomly assembled indoors with Italian garage sale castoffs and whatnot. Also, it’s hot, there’s limited air-conditioning, and lots of mosquitoes, sniffs Cottontail. Get some Off and deal with it.

While Rumbly Mauricio tosses Portia dangerously about in the pool, Kyle, clad in a white nightgown, comes out to announce that she and Lady Pump are taking the Ferrari to go to town and there’s nothing Mauricio can do about it because he’s on lifeguard duty. Kyle’s been driving Ferraris since she was 13, anyway, because that was convenient for her mom, traffic laws be damned. Apparently, however, she never learned to get out of first gear, so it’s a slow tour of Tuscany despite Lady Pump’s pleas that Kyle “give it some willy”, for God’s sake. I don’t think Kyle gives willy.

Back in L.A., Lipsey and Eileen stop by to visit Yo at the YoCondo and are given a tour of her meds closet, which is extensive. Yo is tired and barely gets out of bed for the visit, and tells them an assortment of horror stories about her dark time, including about the parasite infection she experienced involving a two-foot long worm (unclear whether this was Lyme related or an unfortunate parallel crisis). I have to pause to explain Yo’s Lyme status to Mr. Little Mama, who, like me, does not understand why all these Los Angeles area celebrities have it and none of the rednecks who spend literally all their time rolling on the ground in the woods do. “I didn’t know Beverly Hills was so dangerous!” he exclaims. Lipsey and Eileen didn’t either, and leave sad and depressed. It doesn’t look lemon fresh for Yo at the moment.

In Tuscany, it’s time to dine, and both Lady Pump and Kyle are going with muumuus tonight. They mull over Yo’s latest crisis with the fillings, which Kyle agrees with Mr. Little Mama is likely to cause more problems than it solves, and share their bewilderment over what’s actually afoot at the circle Yo. There are just so many symptoms and so many treatments; at what point is Yo making matters worse? Kyle shares that she felt physically terrible after her mother died until she saw a Cymbalta commercial talking about how pain can be caused by depression and then it all made sense. Although that doesn’t make sense for Yo because she doesn’t exactly have a stressful lifestyle throwing her curveballs. Or does she?

Talk turns to upcoming events for all assembled and Kyle announces that she’s actually going to London for the wedding after all, as her unvitation was rescinded and reissued, at least insofar as it applies to Flopsy and Lil’ Portia, who are both IN the wedding, and Kyle by association. Evidently Lil’ Portia needs a chaperone, although Mopsy and Cottontail were not invited because there are “no kids”. And: no Mauricio. Lady Pump is astounded. She would not go if Mr. Lisa wasn’t invited, and thinks Kathy Hilton is pulling Kyle’s strings, and tells her so. Kyle tries and tries not to discuss the subject until Mopsy pops up and asks that it be silenced, and so it is, sort of.

I have a theory about this: I think it’s all about Mauricio leaving Rick Hilton to start his own, competing real estate agency, and that all this sturm und drang about Kyle’s upcoming TV show is a bunch of crap. I think (a) Mauricio is using the show to plump up his profile as the hottest realtor in town, which (b) tends to imply Rick is not a hot commodity by reflection, which (c) negatively affects the Hiltons financially, who may have inherited a lot of money but it’s in trusts which means pay does matter (why else would Kathy own a consignment shop? Surely she has better things to do), and (d) there is a whole lot of bitterness about it all as a result.

And it may extend beyond RHOBH to at least some Hilton-side conspiracy theory that Mauricio is pressuring Bravo to publicize his own agency, maybe to the exclusion of Rick’s; I don’t watch Million Dollar Listing with any regularity or attention, but when I saw a few episodes this season noticed that there are a few Agency realtors in rotation but no one from Hilton & Hyland. In fact, the only time I recall Rick Hilton’s agency getting any airtime was that one one-season Housewife who was selling her father-in-law’s house and sort of flopped the sale as well as her HW position. I think Flopsy was invited because she’s not Mauricio’s kid, and Lil’ Portia was invited because she’s cute, in an unfortunate sort of way saved by the curls, and a flower girl position needed filling. And the flower girl requires supervision. And it’s not like Kyle was going to be Team Husband and pull the whole Umansky operation out of what the Hiltons were positioning as the Wedding of the Year because that would be face-losing and failing to keep up, as it were, and she doesn’t want to overtalk it on screen because then the fact that this fabulosity is all for business sort of gets given away. So that’s my theory.

Next time: we finally meet this boobalicious new Housewife who is really going to need explaining. The tiny horse gets acquired and presented at Mr. Lisa’s birthday, and Tay Armstrong is back, flapping her fat lips about Yo’s questionable illness, and loudly. Till then! (And I’ll get to Pump Rules later this week.)

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The Struggle Is Real 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 1 Recap

It’s time to return to the BH9, kittycats! It’s been so very, very long since I have been excited for a BH premiere, but with no Kimmy or The Glands to pollute the experience I have to say, I am excited! It’s not just their toxic behaviors; they just don’t bring the glamour that Beverly Hills is meant to be about.

So speaking of the glamour associated with Beverly Hills, we begin at the Palais du Pump where Rocio scurries upstairs to notify Lady Pump that “he” is here. Who is “he”? He’s cute, and appears to be a gardener wielding a leafblower:

Silly me, that’s Dodger catcher AJ Ellis! What the hell is he doing here? Apparently Lady Pump has been asked to throw out the first pitch at Dodger LGBT night, so he’s going to train her, for obvious reasons.

Out on the grand expanse of grass, we discover two things: (1) Lady Pump has a reasonably legitimate arm, once Mr. Lisa encourages her to envision herself gunning one into The Glands’ knob; and (b) she also has neighbors! When did those people show up? I can’t recall ever seeing another house in a previous backyard shot.

Speaking of Lisas, Lipsey Rinna is at home getting made up by professionals so she can shoot a “where are they now?’ segment for an Oprah series. Oprah herself will not be coming for this operation, sadly enough. They ask Lipsey to perhaps demonstrate a yoga pose or two and that won’t be any trouble at all, because pretty much the only place Lipsey draws the line is at advertising for diarrhea. Lipsey is thrilled and a little confused to be featured on this segment, because while she’s been working for 26 years her longest consecutive streak was her three years on Days, and really, this Housewives gig is the highest profile thing she’s ever done, so is there anyone really wondering where she is now?

Eileen, however, has worked consistently in those 26 years, and is pedaling away in her dressing closet preparing for today’s Y&R shoot in which she is engaged in corporate espionage and interfamily intercourse. The End.

Kyle is at Kaftans ‘R Us considering adding a line of rose gold sunglasses with a starting price of $75K to her line. Take that, Pam!

Pam

 

Yo and GHDF have sold the Malibu Dream House (“too big”) and are now living at a downtown condo, or at least Yo as as GHDF is on the road at all times and we now know how that worked out. Yo has not left the premises in God knows how long and is surrounded by plush throws, pill bottles, and sticky-note flow charts of all the various treatments she’s endured these past many months.

She felt better after a stem cell treatment in the Bahamas, but not so awesome now, she reports to the naturopath here to put in an IV. Big time model daughter Gigi, who has had to drop out of college which I thought was a not-happening event, FaceTimes in. At least she looks terrific. I look like a giant peanut head when I FaceTime. Her friend Angie Simpson, mother of apparent teen idol and former Gigi boyfriend Cody, pops in for a visit and potential HW introduction. I understand Angie had a visa issue and therefore will not become more that FOH.

 

Kyle and Lady Pump are getting together for lunch and good times. They are just a fun-loving, rowdy pair, aren’t they? A regular Lucy n’ Ethel.

Yo, naturally, is the topic du jour. Lady Pump says she’s been texting her support and trying to get into the condo to see her, but Yo says No. Lady Pump doesn’t really understand what’s wrong with her, but also maybe doesn’t really care as she and Yo aren’t all that close since Yo snapped at Mr. Lisa for touching her arm and he told her she was stupid. {cringe} In other news, Kyle has sold a concept for a scripted show about 70’s child stars like you-know-who, and that domineering elephant of a sister Kathy is all up in her business about it. Also, Kyle is not talking to Kim and we all know why that is.

So it’s time for Lady Pump to throw out the first pitch, which requires her to change her shirt in the middle of the hallway, down to the brassiere and everything.

I guess Lady Pump is Just Like Us after all (not that any of Us would be caught dead in our bras in the hallway of a baseball stadium, let alone on camera). After awkwardly perching a pink sequin Dodger cap onto the top of her head, Lady Pump takes the field, throws it, and nearly makes it to home plate. At least it was a straight throw in the right direction. Pandy and Lil’ Mr. Pandy are there along with Giggy to witness this historic event, but you know who was not? Poor overlooked MAX, again.

Lipsey Rinna takes her daughters shopping. One is the only child in LA with a job and works at a deli. That’s nice. Eileen is redecorating because The Glands’ nasty jabs at her peculiarly old-lady-with-cats taste got to her. We’ll see where that ends up. Also, her father-in-law Dick Van Patten died, therefore she’s not going to make it to Lipsey’s birthday dinner.

Kyle, of course, never misses a party on-screen so she’s coming, and when Lipsey arrives to pick her up she looks like this:

I guess now that The Glands has giraffed off into the sunset Kyle believes it’s safe to leave the house in shorts. It is not, but at least it’s not a Kaftan by Kyle. I initially mistook her Cocker Spaniel hair for ruffles on her blouse. Lipsey, on the other hand, looks fabulous:

Black-and-blue is generally not my favorite combo, and snakeskin is generally not my favorite pattern, but I love love love this and want to know where I can get it. Not that I will, but a girl can dream.

Surprise! Yo is here! With her sidekick Angie Simpson. Yo is, of course, wearing white capris. She is not, however, wearing makeup.
Nor has she done her hair, but we have come to expect that from her, so the utter lack of even a drop of concealer is going to be The Hot Topic tonight and for weeks to come.

And that’s basically all the last fifteen minutes of this episode is about: does or does not Yo look like shit, and what’s actually wrong with her, anyway? Mr. Lisa makes several remarks about how shitty she looks and it sounds mean but I think it’s really a British way of saying “damn, girl, you is sick“. Lady Pump doesn’t understand why she came if she couldn’t get it together, which, again, sounds mean, but again I think is a British way of saying “damn, girl, you is sick, stay home!”

No one really understands what is wrong with Yo, which make sense since no doctors understand what is wrong with Yo. I am befuddled by this Lyme Disease epidemic among Hollywood celebrities: first Yo, then Avril Lavigne, two out of three Hadid children, and now I hear Ashley Olsen. What? I’ve said it before: I know woods-dwellers who practically roll in tick-infested meadows daily and not one of them has Lyme Disease. So while I don’t doubt something is wrong I do wonder whether this is a correct diagnosis, and also whether at some point the cure is worse than the ailment. Because if I was being shot up with stem cells and herbs and exotic vitamins in a daily IV I’d probably feel pretty shitty, too.

Next time: Lucy n’ Ethel are off to Tuscany! Yo takes a visit from Lipsey and Eileen and chokes on a treatment while GHDF looks on, askance. And Lady Pump gets drunk at dinner and talks shit about Kathy Hilton in front of the kids. Meep!

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