Hope you had a great Father’s Day! Appropriately enough, last night’s RHONJ used a dad (several dads, actually) to create conflict and drama. Nothing says “I Love My Dad” like using him as a hoe to sow dissent!

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We begin with Tre at the gym, where she’s hanging off TRX bands and tossing Kettlebells around, further underlining my certainty that I would not want to meet her in a dark alley. That gurrl is fierce! Tre and her trainer/friend, Linda, get to chatting about Gia’s upcoming coed 12th birthday party at which she will apparently become an adult in the temple given the scale of this extravaganza. Tre shares that when Gia’s older she’s going to take her to the gyno and if she’s not a virgin she’s going to disown her. Charming. Anyway: Tre is having this big huge party and after her meeting with Caroline decided to go ahead and invite Gorilla Joe & Co., because she “loves to have people prove me wrong”. That really sounds like a commitment to family harmony right there.

Speaking of the Gorilla, he’s hauling huge boxes around the Laurita Zone, because Jacq has heard that Nicholas may benefit from sleeping in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber so she went and ordered him one, just like Michael Jackson used to sleep in.

so is it just me in there, or can some kids fit too?
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Yes, when your kid needs help you will do anything. Gorilla Joe and Chris set it up and Jacq and Nicholas zip themselves in, and hot damn he loves it! Thank Chaka Khan because that thing cannot have been easy or cheap to acquire. Joe and The Godmother get teary and reflective about how certain things are important and certain things are nonsense. We all know what they’re tawking about.

So on the subject of nonsense, Jacq leaves the babysitter upstairs with Nicholas in The Chamber and goes downstairs with The Godmother to tawk. Caroline tells her that Tre expects an apology and they both give that idea a big guffaw. Jacq thinks Tre owes the apology and to hell if she cares about getting it. Caroline suspects they both secretly have regrets. Jacq thinks it’s ironic that Tre needs Caroline to mediate between herself and Joe – she makes all this noise about not wanting outside interference and then she wants outside interference. Come on, we all know that broad talks one thing out one side and another out the other. The state of the situation is that Caroline at least made progress with Tre as to Joe… although she’s not going to tell Joe that Tre wants an apology from him. Eeek! That could be a big, big mistake. Caroline thinks Joe should tell his dad that he’s trying to make it work with Tre and at least get on the good side. I am starting to wonder if Papa Gorga has a good side, aren’t you? Something’s not right there.

Speaking of the Juice, Juicy Smurf and Juicy Gia are out for frozen yogurt together to talk about puberty and S-E-X and all sorts of painfully awkward tween subjects. Joe thinks Gia needs to be nicer to her sisters, and Gia tells him she’s mad at Milania for telling her she has a “hairy grill”. Ohmiword, Milania! Let’s be honest people: the only reason any of us watch this train wreck is for the Milaniaisms. That girl needs a spinoff! And P.S. Gia if you were mad about the “hairy grill” comment you didn’t need to repeat it on camera. We all would have missed hearing it, but you could have been spared a little puberty awkwardness. Juice is confused and doesn’t know why Milania says Gia has a hairy mouth and Gia gives him the Bea Arthur. Moving on, Juice wants to know if boys ask Gia out (duh, yes) and lay down de law: no kissing until 21, and no giving boys what they want. Like that’s going to work. Also, no smoking, which Gia says is no problem. “It’ll stunt your growth and you’re a midget,” he says. “You’re the biggest midget ever,” she retorts. So, so true.

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At the Wakile Residence, Kathy and Rich arrive home in the rain to discover the Ferrari is gone. Where could it be? Out for a joy ride with Lil’ Rich and Rosie, of course! Rich acts like he’s all mad but really he thinks it’s funny, whereas Kathy is attempting to act like an actual parent in the situation. They all laugh at her in her tight sausage jeans tucked into cowboy boots and her Outback hat. “Come on, Crocodile Dundee,” says Rich. I wish Kathy would go less for trends and more for flattery.

Back to the Juice, where Juicy Smurf is driving Tre someplace and they are talking about how her dad is back in the hospital, this time in ICU with pneumonia and driving all the nurses crazy. WAIT: why is Juicy Smurf driving? Doesn’t he have a suspended license? Isn’t all this legal hoodeha he’s in (soon going to trial) over how he tried to get a fake ID using his brother’s identification, all because his own driver’s license was revoked due to DUIs and whatnot? Is anyone in the state of New Joisey watching this? Tre is all beside herself because if her dad goes then the only important person left for her is her brother. What about your husband? Your KIDS? This woman’s pathological need to keep her brother tucked up in her armpit is truly unhinged.

As far as Gorilla Joe goes, he’s sick with self-pity and a cold, and he must have left his balls at the Minute Clinic. I hope they will return them at the drive-thru pharmacy. He’s also all mad that things are bad with Tre just at a time when things are bad in general. He’s a simple kind of guy and just wants one thing to be bad at a time, is that so much to ask? Mel wants things to be civil and can’t believe The Godmother injected herself into the situation rather than just leave them alone to sort it out, because they were doing so well at that. Mel tells Gorilla Joe that they have been invited to Gia’s birthday party. Gorilla does not want to go. For one thing, he isn’t ready and wants to hurt Tre. For another, he really doesn’t like to go out without his balls.

More Mel as now SHE’s at the same gym where Tre was working out at the opening curtain. Well, they do live in the same ‘hood. Mel is sweating with the oldies, and Kathy, at some throwback step class and Kathy’s all mad because she wasn’t expecting so much bouncing. Kathy does not seem like the fitness type, does she?

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Afterward at the smoothie bar, Mel shares that Gorilla Joe is so sick he lost his balls. Oh, and Mel’s throat doesn’t feel that hot either, so they are avoiding visiting Papa Gorga in the hospital. Makes enough sense to me, even if it sounds a little weak. Not that I’d want to visit my angry father-in-law in the hospital without my husband, either. Now here comes Jacq just in time for a little smoothie and she has conveniently missed the entire sweat session due to almost getting hit by a car and other frivolous excuses, oh, and she just doesn’t work out in gyms. ‘Cause, you know, there are people there, and all that bouncing. Speaking of people, they realize they are being WATCHED by Tre’s trainer/spy/spokesperson, Linda. Busted! She’s gonna phone it in and they all know it.

Speaking of Tre, she’s back with Kim D. in that hideous sweat ensemble with the distressed, beglittered baseball hat which is, it would seem, the same outfit she was wearing in last week’s episode when The Godmother conveniently called to schedule The Ho Ho Kusummit. Things are not adding up, girls! Not that I really know what it means, but something is out of order here. Anyway, Tre tells Kim D. that she wants Joe to come to the party and that she’s all mad that neither he nor Mel has been to the hospital to visit Angry Papa. Speaking of, as predicted now Linda’s on the horn to report that all three of Tre’s least favorite people are at HER gym and they are faaaaaaaaat. Tre and Kim D. cackle and rub their hands together. FAAAAAAAAAT!

Now Caroline and Chris are returning to the Primary Manzo Residence in Franklin Lakes to collect some lamps and china, and what do they find in the driveway but a pig named Moo Shu! Not to be alarmed, he’s with sister Fran. Sister Fran is known for bringing baby animals home (she is a vet tech). Chris says she’s turning the house into a petting zoo and that the scariest part is that he’s not surprised. Fran, it seems, is pigsitting Moo Shu and plans to keep him in the garage in a crate and she’s going to sleep there, too. Maybe there is too much dogshit in the house to sleep inside at this point.

Tre takes her girls to Da Salon to get their hairs did for Gia’s bat mitzvah and they are predictably out of control. Tre wants Milania’s hair parted in the middle, but Milania does not like butt parts and will not have it. “It’s my decision: zip it and be quiet!” Isn’t this child about 6? Tre moves on to harassing Gia about Zio Joe and Gia rolls her eyes. Nothing worse that burdening children with adult problems, if you ask me. Gia got a necklace from her BFFL (what the hell is that?) and he’s a HE! Tee hee! Everyone gives her crap about it. Milania loves the BFFL because, as she says, “I’m into older men.” Sounds like it’s time for a chat with Papa Smurf!

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Also doing hair is Melissa, but she’s at home emptying a full can of hairspray onto two very small little boy heads that have absolutely no need for product but significant reliance on oxygen, which has been entirely displaced at the moment. Lips are blue. She’s getting da kids ready to go to da bat mitzvah, and Gorilla’s not going because he hasn’t been by to collect the balls yet. And he doesn’t want to go anyway. Mel looks genuinely nervous, and she should be, because even though it’s a kids’ party she suspects Kim D., instigator of Strippergate, will be there anyway in all her kidless, hateful glory. Gorilla says all that Tre will need is Trainer Linda to make it a trifecta of vicious idiocy. “They are Moe and Larry – just missing Curly.” Feel the love, people.

Continuing the search for a storyline, Kathy sends her kids to go visit Great Uncle Gorga in the hospital and stays home in bed with Rich to ponder the family ill-will toward her. Kathy repeats the issue about Papa Gorga from last season’s reunion: that she went to see Papa Gorga, for some reason, and he walked out, for some reason, and that’s what caused her to call him a “coward” on TV which caused Tre to go batshit shrieky which caused Rosie to go Incredible Hulk backstage. Kathy has since apologized to Papa Gorga but he still doesn’t like her and her buggy eyes. Rich thinks she should go visit him in the hospital if only as a fork you to Tre. Kathy is teary and blinks a lot.

Time for the bat mitzvah. Champagne, snowball! The cake is a pair of neon lips and was it just me or was there something uncomfortably gynecological looking about that cake?

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Also, I think Gia’s BFFL (best friend for life) swings a little left, if you know what I mean. Her very own pocket gay and just 12 years old! And guess what but not only is Larry there but Curly, too. All set up and loaded for bear. Tre tells Kim D. that her dad is getting out of the hospital tomorrow – he’s been there for four days and Melissa didn’t even visit until TODAY. Can you believe it? Good grief. So Mel shows up and Kim D. immediately slinks over and starts interrogating her about when did she visit Papa Gorga and when was she at the gym and Mel’s face is like WTF and I am confused too. “I’m not accusing you of anything,” Kim says, sleekly. Mel thinks it’s between her and her husband when she visits her father-in-law and you know what Three Stooges? She is totally right about that.

So now here comes Tre and this same pointless convoargument circles the drain a little more. “I’m not interrogizing you, sweetheart,” croons Tre. I don’t know what she’s doing but I think interrogizing is an apt description for it. Tre thinks Mel is lying to “protect her image”, because, you know, she’s running for office someday. I think she’s pretty clearly a person who doesn’t feel too comfortable with her father-in-law alone, and who can blame her? Tre is going to bust her by dragging Mel in to visit Papa Gorga together and have a big blow up with him in it which will be excellent for his weak, ailing heart, won’t it? Let’s argue about a bunch of BS, it’ll be fun! Mel is done here and collects the baby Gorillas before cake. Tre bitches that she can’t even ask Mel a question. Nope, you can’t. Why does she need to? WHO CARES?

Next time: Caroline’s introducing the world to her balls. Mel’s writing a marriage advice book and struggling with the fact that her dad poked it in a lot of different holes around the Jersey Shore. Tre doesn’t want anything to do with Kathy or Rosie, and when she finally gets together with Gorilla he doesn’t want anything to do with her. Ciao for now!

Back to the land of bridges and tunnels, where much fuss is aflutter at Juice Central. One of the little Juicys is helping Tre cook something and the other ones are shrieking at her. Gia hopes she gets splattered by hot oil. Tre is encouraging them to stick by each other and “not be like me and Zio Joe”. If wishing bodily harm upon each other how they are going to stick together I think maybe it would be healthier to take a page from the Zio Joe book, myself. So when we’re talking about the ongoing saga of Tre and Joe, we must of course talk about the beloved Gorga parents and how all Tre wants is for them to be cats and dogs living as one. I have to say, when we have time with the senior Gorgas on camera they seem not in the least bit interested in either child or in togetherness. In fact, it seems as though they’d like to get a condo in Ft. Myers and forget the whole mess of them.

does this man look happy to be here?
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Anyway, Mr. Gorga, better known as “NoNo”, is getting a pacemaker put in and Tre is all worked up about it. One of the little Juicys certainly hopes for the best for NoNo. “I like NoNo,” she says. “He’s a nice little fellow.” Having had a parent with a pacemaker I am happy to tell her it’s no big deal. She’s also mad that Joe isn’t around, of course, and “after the playdate” she doesn’t think Melissa has any interest in “fixing things”. I don’t really know what she’s talking about because I thought the playdate went fine, all things considered. And I thought NoNo had turned on Joe, anyway?

Speaking of Gorilla Joe, over at Villa Gorga the realtor has arrived to meet with Joe and Melissa. They’ve had the house on the market for six months and not one real nibble. Maybe it’s because this faux chateau is listed at $3.8 million. Joe thinks it should be worth 6, anyway, so it’s a bargain. I personally think having your faux chateau heavily featured on a reality TV show is one of those things that decrease curb appeal, but maybe I have different priorities than others. Melissa says that they are selling their dream house, which they built to be within five minutes of Juice Central, to now get away from the Juice. She’s praying to Baby Jesus for the house to sell. Get lots of scoop on this mess and photos here.

the house that Gorilla built
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Back at the Manzos Franklin Lakes residence, they are surrounded by a pack of fierce dogs and everyone seems to need coffee. Lauren is here, because she’s still living at home, and so is one of the many Laurita siblings Caroline takes in from time to time. This one is named Fran and she’s a dog rescuer. Better dogs than cats is what I say. So at this point there are as many dogs as people at the Manzos so it’s a good thing they got that condo. It’s like how I had to get a new minivan because the old one had too many goldfish in it. Caroline tells Albert that she’s going to text Caroline to arrange a meeting, and he looks pretty tweaked. More coffee, Albert?

Wakile time, where Lil’ Richie is learning to drive. Big Richie makes a bunch of cheezy sleazy cracks about stick shifts and sex. Gross. And in search of a storyline.

Jacqueline is visiting Parenting magazine where she is shooting her first video blog about their “autism journey”. I really loathe hearing about people’s “journeys”. Bachelors and bachelorettes are on “journeys”, now we’re on an autism “journey”. Meanwhile, Chris is hosting Gorilla Joe at his house for some pool and talk about sex with the missuses. Don’t these two have jobs? Nicholas, Chris shares, is his and Jacq’s “miracle baby” after five miscarriages and a near-miss losing Nick. So they are all in on this deal. Like they have other options? You do what you have to do when you are a parent.

Speaking of medical situations, Tre is outside an emergency room with Kim D., of all people, talking about her dad’s pacemaker procedure which I am entirely sure did not happen in an emergency room, when Caroline texts and asks for a meeting. Tre is “not a grudge holder” and “prefers to forgive and forget”, yeah right, but has no interest in The Godmother’s advice. Kim D., the ball breaker, hopes Caroline is going to be “softer”. Why is this woman here? Does Tre really only have this woman left as a friend? Egads.

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The meeting must be happening immediately because we’re now back at home with the Manzos where Lauren is doing Caroline’s makeup. It’s convenient having a makeup artist in your home but again, doesn’t she work? Lauren thinks Joe needs to realize that his kids are being raised differently than the Juicys, who are being “raised by wolves”. Caroline doesn’t think Tre has anyone in her life being honest with her, so she’s just the gal to step up and do it!

At Juice Central, Tre visits Joe in his office where he is reading da paperworks with a magnifying glass and it’s just a bunch of crap, like loans where he owes millions of dollars and stuff like dat. Tre tells him she’s off to meet with Caroline who she thinks is going to apologize to her because Caroline feels bad for how she treated her. Does Tre feel bad for how she treated Caroline? How about the nasty comment about the rolls of blubber? That Tre is a very black kettle. The thing about this Tre/Melissa situation is that they are both idiots, but all of Tre’s body language and mannerisms when she talks sounds like she doesn’t even believe her shit. I know she’s got a lot of fans who just love her but I think she’s full of caca. Anyway, Tre makes some completely disgusting comment about an old Italian wives tale where women enchant men with their blood and how she thinks Melissa did it to Joe, and even Juicy is grossed out. Even Juicy.

Back with the Wakiles on their search for relevance, where they are visiting daughter Victoria at her Catholic college where she is a day student. You’d think she had moved 10,000 miles away and it was parent weekend, but no, they just saw her this morning when she was eating her cornflakes. Victoria, it seems, is attending Caldwell College to become a nurse practitioner, and it’s going to take until she’s 25 or 26 to graduate. What is she doing, taking one class at a time? Big Rich goes around fingering the dummies. Kathy should not wear skinny jeans. No one over 12 should wear skinny jeans.

how am I ‘sposed to pee in dis?
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Now we’re off to Villa Gorga where a number of “prequalified buyers” are swinging by to tour the house. Melissa thinks it’s great to be home and have the kids fighting in the den because it shows that this is a house of “love”. Some semi-famous stylist named Misa Hylton is here to check things out. Do stylists make that much money? Well, I googled, and it seems this woman is one of P. Diddy’s babymommas so that’s how she’s rolling it. The point of this woman being here is that her realtor is a new FOH, but I totally missed her name. So far her contribution is pointing out a crack in the ceiling, a broken faucet, and breaking off part of the faux counter which is actually wood pretending to be granite, and then informing the Gorgas that she does not believe they can get $3.8 for this house. Gorilla Joe is astounded. Melissa is crushed. Sweet Baby Jesus, save us! We gotta move!

what chu talking ’bout, Willis?
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It’s time for the Godmother Summit at the Ho-Ho-Kus Inn and Tavern where Caroline has reserved a private room so they can really tawk. Both ladies show up in black-and-peacock ensembles, which is funny. There is awkward hugging and lingering Reunion tension. Caroline tells Tre that her brother asked her to have this meeting with her, and Tre immediately blurts that he’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel now. Way to get things going on the right foot. Caroline tells Tre it’s normal for siblings to fight and Tre instantly objects. “Not for me!” That’s not what we hear, Tre. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. But Tre’s going for the Dina jugular now. Caroline assures her that things will be just fine with Dina, and gives Tre an A for effort.

So Tre tells Caroline that Gorilla Joe apologized to Kim D. so why hasn’t he apologized to her? Caroline asks why Kim D. is her friend after what she did to Tre’s own brother. Tre instantly starts barking about what Joe did to her. What did Joe do to her? I can’t remember Joe doing anything. But Tre’s certain she’s been affronted somehow. I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about.

it’s all so EXHAUSTING!
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While these two squabble, the Lauritas are having the rest of the gang over for poker and Rosie’s in with the menz in which it is revealed (a) that she’s a boob girl like everyone else, (b) she is not interested in strap-ons, and (c) she’s never been with a man. Gorilla Joe thinks she needs to get laid by a guy to know for sure she doesn’t like it. Rosie thinks Gorilla needs to get it up the ass to see how it is. Gorilla is alarmed. Chris brings the ladies and Nick in, where he prompts him to say “I love you” to his mom in exchange for a lollipop. Jacq cries and it’s all very sweet.

Back to the squabble, where Tre is telling Caroline it will be a cold day in hell before she makes up with Kathy. That’s like fighting with a kitten, it really is. Who gets mad at kittens? Tre is still furious that Kathy said something about her dad. Oh, stop. But speaking of NoNo, the nice little fellow, Caroline sees her opportunity and tells Tre that she and Joe need to be together so NoNo can experience the closeness and harmony. Magic words. What about Melissa? Caroline thinks they need to make things right slowly. Tre consents. They leave. Caroline’s brain hurts, but she thinks she accomplished something. I don’t see how stating the obvious is such an accomplishment, but whatever.

Next time: the animal defender in Caroline’s house brings home a pig. Speaking of pigs, Lil’ Rich and Rosie hijack dad’s Ferrari, Caroline tells Jacq that Tre expects her to apologize, and things immediately fall apart when Tre accuses Melissa of lying about visiting NoNo in the hospital. Where he was probably on the premises for all of a day.

Ciao for now, babies!