“Getting Older Sucks Sweaty Balls”🍷RHOC Season 9 Episode 1 Recap

Season 9, people! NINE seasons we’ve been behind the Orange Curtain, as Shannon Beador likes to say. And an epically bad intro outfit for Ms. Vic Gunvalson in each and every one – season 9 is no disappointment. This time she’s stuffed like a grape into a blue cocktail dress with a giant, straining keyhole over the cleavage. I wish I could find a photo. My husband is of the sort that thinks big boobs are always fantastic, but Vic ably illustrates the point that sometimes giant boobs just make you look fat. Someone needs to talk to her. This outfit is going to pain me all season long.

On the other hand, Heather’s intro outfit is a tres chic black sheath, as one might expect, and she looks completely fit and composed in her intro. So we begin with her and Dr. Terry and they are at the architect’s office, working on the plans for the all-new, bigger and better Chateau Dubrow. Heather’s really excited because they got some zoning variance or HOA approval for a porte cochere. Not sure what a porte cochere is? It’s this:

via

A covered structure where you can drive up to the front door and get out and then the car drives away, presumably by Jeeves and not by itself. And that is a model of Heather’s actual own porte cochere, unveiling to be anxiously awaited. I can’t imagine why this needed some sort of special approval, but nothing fabulous comes easy is the lesson to learn here, people. On that subject, while the Chateau is under the two years of construction that will be required to complete the beauty salon, the tiny closet for Dr. Terry, and the hidden Scooby Doo room for Max, the Dubrows are shacking up at a teeny-tiny normal house of about 5000 square feet. Heather is loving it for all the togetherness, but Dr. Terry is feeling confined and stifled. Good thing you’ve gotta lotta boob jobs to keep busy with to pay for that porte cochere!

In the Tammy Sue department, CUT Fitness is officially up and running, and Tammy has discovered running a 7-day-a-week business is time consuming. She’s also apparently discovered lavender lipstick.

via

No.

Anyway: the gym is breaking even, which Tammy and Eddie consider a victory six-months in. Also, Eddie is now very busy teaching basically all the classes which means he isn’t doing whatever non-law-practicing work he was doing at the Judge Law Firm before, which may be for the best as trouble seemed to be following him with that. We get some extensive footage of a Les Mills GRIT class. If you aren’t familiar with Les Mills, it’s a licensed fitness program out of New Zealand, I think, and they have their own signature name for all their different programs. GRIT is their HIIT (high intensity interval training) workout program. I have a number of Les Mills certified instructor friends, and several enjoyed instructor training with Eddie and Tammy last fall in Vegas. I don’t know how much Les Mills has gotten to the east coast but it’s all over the west, so if you want to be miserable doing burpees and box jumps like Tammy, seek it out at a gym near you! Oh, and from what I am told, Eddie is the certified instructor while Tammy is not actually certified to teach anything, which is why she was a participant in Eddie’s class. Tammy is feeling the 5-year age difference lately, and shares that “getting old sucks sweaty balls”.

As for Vic, Briana not only moved out, now she’s moving to Oklahoma! Oh, and she’s knocked up again. Vic has finally settled her divorce and is lonely. But is she still sneaking around with Donn2? That is the question, people. Vic says she isn’t with Donn2, but she feels that even though she listened to the whole of Briana’s audio recording of him telling Ryan to beat Briana he was nonetheless “wrongly accused” and he wants forgiveness. So is he in or out here? Maybe if she would make some age- and figure-flattering wardrobe choices she’d find someone new and appropriate. Vic’s currently acting out on her sexual frustration by maligning the entire state of Oklahoma, all of its citizens, and even its food. She is very unhappy Briana and the babies are moving to this godforsaken, “forgotten” state shaped like a frying pan. Briana can’t WAIT.

So those are our returnees. Jem bailed and is having another baby, and Gretch and Assy got fired. Now sometimes when Housewives move on we see them on a handful of occasions, illustrating the “actual” friendship the ‘Wives share (see: Camille, LuAnn, Lauri). Sometimes they have an exit, like that weird OC chick of a few years ago who was all into natural living and pretending she had cash when she was broke. You know, the one who forked Jumbellino pre-Assy. She came to a clambake, was put in her car and sent away, and was never seen or heard from again. Sometimes we have to let them come over a few times before we can stop returning their calls (Tay; Pam). But most of the time they just disappear and are never mentioned again. (Quinn; the cookie waxer from NYC; Adrienne Maloof).

Assy and Jem seem to be getting the disappearing treatment. Gretch, however, is possibly the first Housewife to be eliminated from the show and rammed up the ham with a stiletto in the process. The opportunity arises when Heather and Tammy go off to run up a hill, which is hilarious because I can’t imagine Heather running anyplace for any reason. Also, is this the same hill where Kyle scampered along after The Glands to facilitate a hate-on-Lisa chat?

As their running slows to a walk Tammy asks if anyone has heard anything from Gretchen. Heather thinks she (and Slimey Slade) came into Dr. Terry’s office for a “facial” but that’s it. Tammy hasn’t heard from her, nor has she received a wedding gift, which is just fine because she doesn’t need any more plastic Gretchen Christine luggage like she received at her shower. Gretch, Tammy tells us, is a “narcissistic compulsive liar and is dead” to her. So that’s that! Dead to us all, now! Keeping hoping for that wedding special, Gretch.

Moving on, Heather has gotten a part on Hawaii 5-0 and has to go to Hawaii to film it. Her husband and kids aren’t coming, so why don’t Tammy and Vic? Tammy’s so in! Even though she can hardly leave the fitness studio and per her ex-husband isn’t adequately caring for the kids, if there’s a free trip to Hawaii on the table she’s gonna take it! “Are these drunk plans?” Heather asks, thus creating an excellent new phrase for the lexicon. Nope, it’s real. They are going. First field trip of the season, whee!

Before we go to Hawaii we need to enhance this trio, so Heather and her architect pay a visit to new Housewife, Shannon Beador. It seems Heather’s architect designed her house, too, and whaddaya know but it too has a Scooby Doo room so this is Heather’s chance to check out that as well as the marble. Shannon has three daughters and at least some of them went to school with some Lil’ Dubrows. She’s also very into natural living and while there’s no indication the house is environmentally efficient in any way, she avoided all toxic building materials and even those that might possibly be just a little iffy. Heather offers her signature eyebrow raise and wonders how Shannon is coloring her hair without toxic chemicals. Also, if she has the OC Fun Bags those aren’t exactly Of Nature either.

Before we go to Hawaii let’s learn a little about Shannon Beador, shall we? She was born in LA and has lived in Southern California her whole life. She sees an Asian “energy healer” three times as week for fixing all sorts of aches and pains like unreleased farts and stuff. Her grandfather was the CEO of I. Magnin, a department store I am old enough to remember well, and her husband, David, paid for this colossal manse as a freeway contractor. They do have a lot of freeways in California, so this could be lucrative. David and Shannon have been married and bored for 13 years and seem to be straining for intimacy, shall we say, which cannot be helped by the history of domestic violence allegations. But the kids seem nice and well-adjusted. The oldest does not have a cell phone, not because her parents don’t think she needs it, but because Shannon is certain they send out death rays. No one likes Shannon’s cooking. David does like Mr. Little Mama does and snacks while dinner is literally being served. I HATE THAT.

So enough of that, I wanna go to Hawaii! Heather is already there, having finished up her scenes involving lots of fake blood and gore. She’s supposed to be playing an abused wife and was going to do her own stunts until they involved being dragged down some stairs, so she let the double do that one. Heather Face-Times home and demonstrates that the proper phone position for Face-Time is held over one’s head at a very awkward and uncomfortable angle so that all double-chinny-ness is avoided. Must post to Pinterest!

As we can all imagine, Tammy and Vic have gotten lubed up on the flight and arrive determined to get Fancypants naked wasted and on their level. “Heather needs to take the fancy pants off and put on a G-string,” Vic announces. “I wear them. They are cute.” GAHHHHHH! The visual image is searing my brain! And: butt floss isn’t cute, it’s very unhygienic. #teamfancypants

Day One dawns and the girls are taking surfing lessons from a manly instructor who has no hesitation about wearing Tammy big pink sun hat. “You look like a Rasta – are you on the pot?” Heather asks. Like this guy?

via

These California girls surfing is not going to be like the three NYC amigas, that’s for sure. For one thing, Heather is really not at all into the idea of open water above her knees. For another, a surfing hippopotamus is involved. But sure enough, Fancypants is the first to get up and master the pose, because she’s always the first and the best at everything. That’s just how she is! Vic struggles along and displaces the ocean over and over until finally, at last, awkwardly riding the current if not an actual wave. Then she collapses in a heap, earns a tiny scrape on her knee, and waits for the sharks to eat her alive.

Next, they pile into a rented Jeep and head off to see a waterfall. Vic is driving and both Heather and I are completely terrified. Vic is an awful, inattentive driver and talking on the phone while she’s at it. They finally get to a food truck that serves shrimp like Forrest Gump and now Vic is wearing a yellow workout top that does nothing to conceal her pooch. It’s just not good. An argument breaks out whether a “camellia” is a kind of tree (Heather) or “chlamydia” is a venereal disease (Vic and Tammy). Vic thinks this illustrates Heather’s know-it-all nature, whereas I think it reveals a great deal about all the parties involved. Some are gardeners, some are… not.

Somehow they safely return to the hotel and meet up for dinner, two-thirds in pink silk. Heather orders “champs” while Tammy and Vic order wine that comes in stemless glasses. Heather asks conversationally how they feel about stemless glasses, which is a question that comes to my mind every time I see one. Vic and Tammy love them, but Heather wonders whether they heat up the wine above optimum temperature. This is the first time the Wines By Wives broads have heard there is an optimum temp for wine, and Heather is all too happy to Google up the specifics varietal by varietal. Vic is now annoyed again. Heather makes a toast to them all being in “transition” (herself back to acting; Tammy in a new business; Vic with her divorce finally settled), then asks the big question: IS VIC OR IS SHE NOT FORKING DONN2? Vic is unsettled, and silent.

This season: we’re going to Bali! Also Hong Kong, I think? Another new Housewife named Lizzie rolls in and oh the enhancements. More Donn2 drama, of course, and everyone’s ganging up on Heather. Pile on, people, pile on!

Oh: and who could use $1100?

abstract floral background

These large cash giveaways would not be possible without an amazing group of bloggers and small businesses who contribute. They include: Spaceships and Laser Beams, Vintage ConfectionsTania Fischer DesignThis Little MamaMade by a PrincessMighty DelightyDesigned by Dawn NicoleYumtasticsFrench PemberleySamantha Walker LLCJellyfish PrintsYoung Adult MoneyA-Manda CreationBellaArtista InvitationsSugar Co.BellaGrey DesignsParty PatisserieA Wife A Mom A LifeBabies ArtroomPiece of CakeKristeNicole PhotographyHousekeeping Services of Hilton HeadThe Storybook ShoppeSeshalyn PartiesBest BirthdaysCustomized Wedding CreationsFantabulosityGiggles and Grace DesignsMagical Vacations by TracyOne Swell StudioEat It & Say YumWise Owl ShopReality To DreamsSugar Sugar CakesUR InvitedTutus & Bowties EventsBe Envied Entertaining and Child Go GoAnd that’s not all! To see the entire list check out the Rafflecopter form below!

$1100 Thank Goodness It’s Spring Cash Giveaway

March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM toApril 21, 2014 at 11:59PM

Open Worldwide

PRIZE: One winner will receive $1100 USD payable via PayPal

Eligibility and Rules: This giveaway runs from Thursday, March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM to Monday, April 21, 2014 at 11:59PM. It is open to individuals over the age of the majority in their home country. The winner will be chosen randomly through the Rafflecopter form. It is the sole responsibility of the winner to report to and adhere to all laws in their respective country, which includes payments to any governing tax body. This giveaway is void in any country or territory where it is prohibited by law.

Claiming Prize: The prize will be sent via PayPal. The winner must have a PayPal account to receive it. The winner also must claim their prize within 48 hours of receiving notice. If you do not claim your prize within this time frame, your entry will be void and another winner will be drawn. Please ensure that  spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com is on your “safe list.”

Disclosure: This is a blogger-sponsored event that is in no way affiliated with PayPal, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram or any other social media channel. If you have questions, email Stephanie at Spaceships and Laser Beams at spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com.

Please use the Rafflecopter below to enter! None of the entries are mandatory but the more entries you do, the more chances you have to win! Running short on time? Come back as often as you like to finish the form and maximize your chances of winning the big prize.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

Hitting The Road 🚌 Betty The Bus – and GIVEAWAY!

Several months ago I told you all about my exciting birthday present – Betty the Bus. Betty  has since been joined by Bertha, because what’s one old 1970s VW bus when you can have two?

Mr. Little Mama’s original thought was that we might need the best of both buses to make one functioning bus. Betty is still in getting her engine worked on, but Bertha actually runs great – so well, in fact, that Mr. Little Mama and an equally foolish friend drove it 400 miles into Mexico to go fishing a few weeks ago. They made it there and back intact – that’s what happens when you are born with a horseshoe in your behind.

Anyway, Bertha’s now in the shop getting the tampon-pink interior house paint scraped off her bod and a little lipo and fillers while she’s at it. She’ll be painted a lovely sky blue and white when that’s done, and then we’ll be on to interiors.

AND: on to camping! Which is what it’s all about anyway! In anticipation of our inaugural bus camping trip, I asked my friend Caroline – expert camper, packer, and road traveler – for some advice on successful and happy camping trips. Take it away, Caroline!

⛺️

Hi This Little Mama readers!  I am really excited to be hanging out over here today.  My name is Caroline and I blog at The Road We’ve Traveled.  Planning a vacation and being on vacation are two of my happy places.  My family loves camping and being outdoors.  We have a fun road trip planned for this summer that will take us through six states, seven national parks and two state parks.  Before we can hit the open road this summer we have one more school break to get through….spring break!

I heard that Bertha is licensed up and ready to hit the open road and wanted to hop on over here to share some of my travel tips to help the Little Mama family get ready to hit the road.

The most important step in planning a trip is figuring out where to go.  My family loves the national parks and we often pick a park as the center of our trip.  The National Park Service is a great resource for information on the national parks.  State parks are also fun destinations and each state should have a website for their state parks.  We like to mix in learning with vacation.  We live in a country with some incredible sights and I want my kids to experience as much of that as they can.

Image 2We then try to mix in some fun to round out the trip and keep the kids excited.

We hike…

IMG_2328…and we play.

IMG_2136We bike…

IMG_1210…and we raft.

IMG_2709Most importantly…we make memories.

Once you have figured out where to go you will need to decide where to stay.  The national parks and state parks often have lodging inside the parks.  Another top choice of my family is Kampgrounds of America (KOA).  KOAs have playgrounds, mini stores and sometimes other fun activities like game rooms and pools.  We often stay at KOAs when traveling long distances as an alternate to hotels.  Mainly for their playgrounds.  After a long day of traveling there is nothing quite like spinning in a swing to get out that energy.

IMG_4038

When looking for a campsite/campground there are several things to keep in mind, although it really depends on your likes/dislikes.  Since we have kids we always look for someplace with a playground.

Playground

We enjoy sitting by the campfire at night so fire rings are a must.  Some campsites do not have fire rings and fires are not always permitted so be sure to check the policies of your campground.  There is nothing quite like sitting by the fire at the end of the day telling stories and eating smores.  That is what memories are made of.

IMG_0552

I prefer campsites that are close to playgrounds but I also try to stay away from the bathrooms.  While it is nice to be close to the bathrooms from a proximity perspective, if the wind blows the wrong way it can make for an unpleasant experience.  Some campsites are practically on top of each other so check the campground map to find your ideal location.  Most campgrounds now have pictures of each campsite so you should be able to view each site before making your reservation.  Shade is also important, especially in Arizona.  Campsite reservations will often tell you which sites are in the share or sun so be sure to check for that or make sure you have an E-Z-Up.

One of my favorite camping items is a $20 piece of astro turf we purchased from Home Depot.  We are tent campers so we put it outside of our tent but it could also go outside of your RV or bus.  It makes a great place to wipe your shoes before getting in the tent.  The kids love it and I often find them sitting on it playing or reading.  Home Depot sells $20 astro turf and $200 astro turf but they are in different areas of the store.  I think they keep the cheap stuff hidden so you buy the expensive stuff.

TentEvery time we go camping we forget something.  I have accepted that fact and do my best to make sure it is not the important things.  The first time we went camping we brought food and a stove but forgot to bring a pan to cook in.  Once we brought coffee (before instant coffee was so readily available) but forgot the coffee pot.  That was a total bummer.  Now we use instant coffee when camping because it is easy.  I love sitting in the cool morning air, listening to the whistle of the trees while drinking a cup of coffee.

My best advice is to thoroughly think through what you will need to make a meal, to get dressed, to make a campfire, and write it down.  I keep a list in my iPhone so that when I randomly think of things I would like or need I have a place to keep it.  When I am camping and I realize I forgot something I also add it to my list so that it does not happen again.

When traveling with kids it is easy to think they need lots to do to prevent boredom but I tend to disagree.  However, I learned this the hard way.  The very first trip we went on I let the kids bring lots of stuff to keep busy but they barely touched any of it and it took up a lot of space.  We try to stop every two hours, even if it is just for a few minutes to let the kids get out of the car and stretch, and it is fairly easy to keep them busy for two hour stretches.  The kids each get one backpack but I try to steer them towards books, movies, videos games and drawing materials – things that do not make a huge mess.  I do keep a supply of surprises handy in case they start to get restless.  I whip out some new dollar aisle find and they are happy until the next stop.

Car games are a huge hit in my family.  Two of our favorites are Interstate Bingo and Rubberneckers.  They are both great for keeping the entire family entertained.  The National Geographic Kids Ultimate Road Atlas is a fun way for the kids to keep track of where you are going.  It contains maps of the US so the kids can follow along with the journey as well as a page for each state with fun facts about that state.

When planning our trips we look for parks in the areas we will pass through.  We often plan lunch at a park so that the kids have adequate time to play rather than being cooped up in a restaurant.

IMG_2081I hope these tips help you in planning your next camping trip.  Please share your camping tips to help the Little Mama family plan for their first trip in Betty!

-Caroline

Thank you, Caroline! Hey: who wants some summer camping cash?

abstract floral background

These large cash giveaways would not be possible without an amazing group of bloggers and small businesses who contribute. They include: Spaceships and Laser Beams, Vintage ConfectionsTania Fischer DesignThis Little MamaMade by a PrincessMighty DelightyDesigned by Dawn NicoleYumtasticsFrench PemberleySamantha Walker LLCJellyfish PrintsYoung Adult MoneyA-Manda CreationBellaArtista InvitationsSugar Co.BellaGrey DesignsParty PatisserieA Wife A Mom A LifeBabies ArtroomPiece of CakeKristeNicole PhotographyHousekeeping Services of Hilton HeadThe Storybook ShoppeSeshalyn PartiesBest BirthdaysCustomized Wedding CreationsFantabulosityGiggles and Grace DesignsMagical Vacations by TracyOne Swell StudioEat It & Say YumWise Owl ShopReality To DreamsSugar Sugar CakesUR InvitedTutus & Bowties EventsBe Envied Entertaining and Child Go GoAnd that’s not all! To see the entire list check out the Rafflecopter form below!

$1100 Thank Goodness It’s Spring Cash Giveaway

March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM toApril 21, 2014 at 11:59PM

Open Worldwide

PRIZE: One winner will receive $1100 USD payable via PayPal

Eligibility and Rules: This giveaway runs from Thursday, March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM to Monday, April 21, 2014 at 11:59PM. It is open to individuals over the age of the majority in their home country. The winner will be chosen randomly through the Rafflecopter form. It is the sole responsibility of the winner to report to and adhere to all laws in their respective country, which includes payments to any governing tax body. This giveaway is void in any country or territory where it is prohibited by law.

Claiming Prize: The prize will be sent via PayPal. The winner must have a PayPal account to receive it. The winner also must claim their prize within 48 hours of receiving notice. If you do not claim your prize within this time frame, your entry will be void and another winner will be drawn. Please ensure that  spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com is on your “safe list.”

Disclosure: This is a blogger-sponsored event that is in no way affiliated with PayPal, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram or any other social media channel. If you have questions, email Stephanie at Spaceships and Laser Beams at spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com.

Please use the Rafflecopter below to enter! None of the entries are mandatory but the more entries you do, the more chances you have to win! Running short on time? Come back as often as you like to finish the form and maximize your chances of winning the big prize.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Posted in Kid's Gotta.... | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Of Floppy Boobs and Hidden Candy🍷RHONY Season 6 Episode 4 Recap – and GIVEAWAY!

I know most everyone is sincerely hoping this whole season isn’t BookGate, but I am more sincerely hoping this whole season isn’t Ain’t She Zany? Starring Sonja Morgan. Her silliness is more tragic than entertaining. If the senior Mr. Morgan wanted to press for full custody of Snuffleupagus all he’d have to do is enter Season 6 into evidence. I foresee hoarding of sex toys in her future.

However, I’d take all-So, all the time over another second of this foldover-boobied image consultant, Amanda. I read on RealityTea that word on the street, or on Amanda’s own blog at least, is that Amanda Sanders Image Consultant (ICASS) was competing with Kristen for the new Housewife position at the time of filming, and that Kristen got it because she was friends with The Glands. ICASS is in a huff about this. Also, she’s not listed as even FOH on the Bravo site nor does she have her own Bravo blog as some FOH’s have received, so she’s resorted to posting on her own blog about her Housewifely activities. This all sounds to me like Mr. Andy quickly realized they had made a big mistake with this one. Huge. Nonetheless, here she is continuing to interfere and antagonize at Kountess Lu’s Hamptons’ residence.

We resume at the fiascocue, where ICASS has stalked off muttering that she’s gonna “deck” Holla, who ain’t skeered and comes stalking after her demanding to know “who is this girl?”. “I don’t know – I’ve just met her,” The Kountess replies breezily, and sails out. Is she a crasher? No, she’s Aviva’s friend. Gulp. Well, she’s just showed up and been nasty to everybody, not to mention sloppy drunk, assesses Holla, while So laughs at the idea that she’s an “image consultant” with that image. You know, the tube-sock-with-golf-balls exposed cleave and the colossal ass. That maxi dress looks like a peuce-print bag of fighting ferrets.

are you smuggling hamsters or are your buttocks just happy to see me?
via

With all the other ‘Wives making fun of her while pretending she isn’t even there, ICASS attempts to insert herself into Aviva and Radzi’s ongoing squabble in the sun room. “I don’t know you,” says Carole. “I just need to be involved,” whispers ICASS. When that fails she rounds up again on Holla, with whom she’s now of equal height, oddly, and announces that Holla is “so insecure that I am sorry for you.” Oh, whatever. Who wants cake? Lu’s got cake!

Holla blows past ICASS and asks The Kountess to bounce her because she’s interfering in Radzi and Aviva’s squabble. “Come and have some pie,” The Kountess cajoles ICASS, soothingly. Radzi and Aviva give up on resolving anything and leave the sun room for pie. “You’re not a well wisher! You’re not a supporter of women!” Aviva continues to shriek. Carole sighs and responds that she respects any writer who puts in the “years and years of time” it takes to develop a presentable craft. Aviva, in turn, proposes a toast to any women who “put pen to paper in any capacity”. Carole will not toast to that. “Tart? Would you like some tart?” suggest Lu. It’s a veritable patisserie chez Lu.

Holla now corners both Dreschers over the things Aviva has said about Carole. “You weren’t at the lunch!” Aviva howls, stalking away, so Reid takes over while ICASS dances like a monkey and makes faces behind Holla’s back. Holla insists she’s talking about what Aviva said to her when they got their nails done, but Reid keeps shouting over her that it’s all about what was said at “the lunch”, an event he ostensibly attended, as ICASS continues to make her scene. Aviva returns and in her hoity-toity voice informs Holla that there’s been “lots of gossip” about Carole’s book. “Which you are the key to!” Holla cries. ICASS now straightens herself up and intones to Holla that she is being “beyond obnoxious”. Takes one to know one, I suppose. The Kountess has now had enough and throws everyone out so she can go to bed, but not before Holla gets in Aviva’s face and spits “don’t motherfuckin’ tell me nuthin’”, gangsta-style. Silence descends. I’m waiting for gang signals and gunfire. The party is OVAH.

via

The next day, only some of the group regroups at So’s Borrowed House for brunch. Holla opted to go to the beach with her kids and Radzi’s already gone back to the city. It seems Horny Harry spent the night, and So’s a little worried she might have frightened him with her nightly schmear of male and female hormones. It’s all so she can look like THIS in a white one-piece suit, see? she announces, pulling up her coverup and showing him her bidness. Horny Harry pretends to be impressed as he secretly worries whether he too is going to grow boobs from exposure to her hormone cream. All this for So to one-up ICASS (sadly shakes head in dismay). It’s like watching The Bachelor, these women vying for attention from an inappropriate male simply because he’s the only one there and there’s a competition. (ICASS, of course, was not invited, and goes totally unmentioned altogether.)

Aviva describes the weekend’s events as “two lovely parties with a sleep in-between”. Was she there at Kountess Lu’s last night? So agrees, and says the tequila really helped, but points out to Aviva that “the girls are not vibing you”. Aviva seems surprised, but no matter: she has written A Book, and she is going to continue going about her business of “uplifting people every day”. She is an Uplifter, a regular Playtex 18 Hour Bra of a human being. Before So can respond to this her front bottom tooth falls out – AGAIN.

via

How many times has So lost a tooth? Is it always this one, or sometimes others? Can she not afford real dental work at this point? Mother of pearl. So heads off to find the Polident and even though she doesn’t want anyone to know that this happened tells everyone all about it. Some old bag in attendance suggests Fixodent might be more effective, and I think she might be right because isn’t Polident for stained dentures and Fixodent what you use to glue them in? Why is So missing a tooth/multiple teeth to begin with?

Sigh. Enough of the Hamptons; let’s get back to Manhattan and a Bravo-style editorial mixup the space/time continuum. The Tres Amigos – Radzi, Holla, and Kristen – are meeting up at some downtown drag queen costume shop called Abracadabra to pick out mermaid costumes for the Coney Island Mermaid Parade, an event to officially kick off summer for which Radzi has been selected as Queen, one of the top three honorifics of her lifetime (soundly defeating her Emmy for the spot). This is also a fundraiser for the Coney Island Boardwalk, heavily damaged during Hurricane Sandy, so it’s a human interest cause and all that as well as an opportunity for families and “nude freaks” to unite. Radzi is looking a little tired and drawn these days, am I wrong? Eventually she and Kristen head over to Kristen’s usual salon for some work from the “glam squad”, which can only help.

I love her, but
via

So is also going to be participating in this parade, but in Ain’t She Zany? fashion she’s bringing some Broadway costume stylist over to peruse her closets, unpaid, and try to find something among the Colorado Closet and the Palm Beach Closet and the France Closet that will do as a mermaid costume. But first she has to light her abundance candle and hide her vibrator, as well as get this gal in to do her job and leave before she realizes she’s not getting paid for her services. She, too, is an “intern”. And the Broadway costume stylist intern thinks a sheer pink scarf, a Paris Hilton monokini, and a flammable looking long red wig will do the job here just fine. So, who has no pants on, dons the wig, prances across the room, and flings herself into her bed in what she supposes is an erotic MerCabaresque performance for all her interns to unwittingly witness. Just last week our school nurse was telling me a story about when she used to do home healthcare and visited a potential new patient only to discover an elderly woman sitting there stark naked and refusing to get dressed. That, people, is the future of SoMorgan.

via

While So and the Tres Amigos prepare to attend a summer parade half-nude with tails, in AvivaLand it’s early spring and she’s still wearing boots and sweaters. First Aviva takes her two younger children to a kids’ craft store where they can paint pottery. Here it’s called Color Me Mine; there it’s called The Kids Craft Store and everything costs twelve times as much. The kids look like they left the house with mouthfuls of uneaten peas on board.

Reid shows up to meet them, because getting away from the hedge fund for a little miserable pottery painting is in his usual set of activities, and Aviva pretends to show him a pretend email from the little girl with whom she was playing when the girl turned on the barn machine and Aviva’s foot got sawed off. Not that she blames anyone – it was an accident. An accident caused by one Becky, who now wants to reconnect (they have not seen each other since the accident) and invite Aviva to come to the farm. Where her foot got chewed up in the machine. Not come meet Aviva in Manhattan and have a nice lunch, visit a museum, see a show. No, Becky, all on her own, thinks Aviva might like to come back to the last place she had a left foot. Aviva thinks this is a great idea and an opportunity to “shed some fears”. Last season Aviva was a fear hoarder, so this just gets curiouser and curiouser.

Off the Dreschers go, bundled up in flannel shirts, jeans, and boots, while elsewhere the summer-kickoff parade is supposedly in action. (The parade, of course, is great fun; the girls ride with drag queens, and Kristen realizes the whole crowd thinks they are “of” the drag queens, not “with” the drag queens; Lu and So show up, and So’s looking more gypsy than mermaid, missing tooth and all; Carole gets introduced as “Karen”, and then makes the whole gang read a sisterhood of the traveling mermaid tails poem that she wrote aloud on the beach. The End.) Aviva cannot believe her parents used to drive 3.5 hours every weekend to go to their country house, which they never ever visited again after Aviva got her foot cut off. (Was there a lawsuit? Don’t you think there probably was?) Also, anytime Aviva is afraid of things she is facing them “head on”. Is this an All New Aviva? I want to give her a Mary Tyler Moore beret to toss into the air.

Aviva feels this is going to be real closure for her and Becky, and that having lost her foot in the barn has had a silver lining in all the Uplifting Inspiration she now provides to others. Yes: Aviva is here to provide service to Becky, whose idea it was to turn the belt on, even though Aviva does not blame her for thereby cutting her foot off. Not at all. No, Becky said that she thinks of Aviva every day and has wondered whatever happened to her. Which, to Aviva’s mind, means that when Becky was getting married, all she could think about, flooded with guilt, was whether Aviva ever got married. (Oh, she did: twice.) And when Becky was birthing her first child, all she could think about, flooded with sorrow, was whether Aviva ever got to have a baby. (Oh, she did: four times.) See, Becky has lived All About Aviva all her days, Aviva just knows it. And now Aviva is on her way to Uplift her. She’s a giver.

They finally roll up and Reid heads off to the Wi-Fi enabled barn to do some hedge fund work while Aviva and Becky drink wine in the kitchen. Aviva tells Becky she senses that cutting Aviva’s foot off by accident has been a burden on her, and Becky admits that she has felt a sense of responsibility and fallout from that terrifying childhood incident. Aviva assures her that she saved Aviva’s life, that even though she turned the machine on and suggested they play on it, the fact that the machine SEVERED HER FOOT was simply an accident and who cares – she turned off the machine! She’s a hero!

Well, okay, says Becky. That settled, Aviva wants to see The Barn. Becky looks aghast but Aviva insists. Is this the same Wi-Fi enabled barn where Reid is working? Sounds fairly civilized, but someone should have warned him what buttons to push (and what not to). Off they go, and all looks exactly the same to Aviva. She even feels like she could “fall in”. Becky looks alarmed and is questioning whether she should have consulted with her attorney before letting these people show up, with cameras. Aviva demonstrates how the accident took place, then gets off the belt so that Becky can TURN IT ON. She wants to hear the noise. Reid is now getting a little panicked, but Becky does as Aviva asks and thank God Aviva doesn’t throw herself onto the belt in search of her missing foot. It’s no big deal, in fact it’s cathartic. I have to say, I sort of pictured some sort of conveyor belt to move hay up to the barn attic, like baggage claim for barns, not this gadget. What does this thing even do besides sever limbs? God, let’s get out of here. I hope everyone really does feel better, and we don’t have to do this again. Ever. It’s filthy, for one thing.

via

Next time: Holla has a party and Aviva’s not invited. It’s a Housewives Crossover Event when Radzi and Kristen have lunch with Yo and The Glands! SoMo ditches Lu’s party, and Holla’s husband may be demanding a surgical anniversary gift. Oh, and RHOC starts Monday – wha?

Oh: and who could use $1100?

abstract floral background
These large cash giveaways would not be possible without an amazing group of bloggers and small businesses who contribute. They include: Spaceships and Laser Beams, Vintage ConfectionsTania Fischer DesignThis Little MamaMade by a PrincessMighty DelightyDesigned by Dawn NicoleYumtasticsFrench PemberleySamantha Walker LLCJellyfish PrintsYoung Adult MoneyA-Manda CreationBellaArtista InvitationsSugar Co.BellaGrey DesignsParty PatisserieA Wife A Mom A LifeBabies ArtroomPiece of CakeKristeNicole PhotographyHousekeeping Services of Hilton HeadThe Storybook ShoppeSeshalyn PartiesBest BirthdaysCustomized Wedding CreationsFantabulosityGiggles and Grace DesignsMagical Vacations by TracyOne Swell StudioEat It & Say YumWise Owl ShopReality To DreamsSugar Sugar CakesUR InvitedTutus & Bowties EventsBe Envied Entertaining and Child Go GoAnd that’s not all! To see the entire list check out the Rafflecopter form below!

$1100 Thank Goodness It’s Spring Cash Giveaway

March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM toApril 21, 2014 at 11:59PM

Open Worldwide

PRIZE: One winner will receive $1100 USD payable via PayPal

Eligibility and Rules: This giveaway runs from Thursday, March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM to Monday, April 21, 2014 at 11:59PM. It is open to individuals over the age of the majority in their home country. The winner will be chosen randomly through the Rafflecopter form. It is the sole responsibility of the winner to report to and adhere to all laws in their respective country, which includes payments to any governing tax body. This giveaway is void in any country or territory where it is prohibited by law.

Claiming Prize: The prize will be sent via PayPal. The winner must have a PayPal account to receive it. The winner also must claim their prize within 48 hours of receiving notice. If you do not claim your prize within this time frame, your entry will be void and another winner will be drawn. Please ensure that  spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com is on your “safe list.”

Disclosure: This is a blogger-sponsored event that is in no way affiliated with PayPal, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram or any other social media channel. If you have questions, email Stephanie at Spaceships and Laser Beams at spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com.

Please use the Rafflecopter below to enter! None of the entries are mandatory but the more entries you do, the more chances you have to win! Running short on time? Come back as often as you like to finish the form and maximize your chances of winning the big prize.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

Weekend Cooking🍴Top 5 – and GIVEAWAY!

I think this is the first weekend where we don’t have anything on the schedule since maybe…. September. My excitement over this is such that I completely forgot we have five houseguests coming tonight. Meep! They will be up and out in the morning so my Saturday visions remain largely intact.

I’ve kicked my weekend off early on a good foot with 30 minutes of hard cardio followed by an intense 75 minute yoga session (first time attending my friend’s class, which I’ve wanted to do for a long time), and a washing my filthy minivan which remains an interior wreck. (Job for the minions ahead this weekend.) Now I’ve made a batch of spa water and am actually sitting down to tend to this blog – one of my favorite creative things to do which has been sorely neglected in my busy schedule.

My idea of a perfect weekend (at least the “me” parts of it, which I often neglect) is just that: some energizing exercise, including a little extra that I can’t fit in on the usual weekday; something creative; and time in the kitchen. I love to do a lot of cooking on weekends. It would be smart if my cooking activities were intended to get a jump on the week ahead, but alas I have heretofore not been that forward-thinking. I will attempt to resolve that this weekend. Here is my planned list of cooking projects for the weekend:

1) Cilantro Hummus

via

I don’t consider myself any sort of big-time hummus connoisseur, but I love, love, love spicy cilantro hummus. They used to have an awesome prepared kind at my Costco but I haven’t seen it in months. I am thinking a batch of this would be delicious in the Greek spinach wrap I eat for lunch nearly every day, as well as for a quick bite on the seed crackers my Costco does continue to carry when I need a little something to get me through our late-day events.

2) French toast muffins

via

Medium looooves French Toast. It’s not an easy thing to whip up on weekday mornings, though, and the “sticks” you can buy in the freezer section sort of suck. Well, not sort of, they do. I am going to whip up a batch of these to keep in the fridge for school days this week (it’s testing week: a good breakfast is essential!)

3) Chicken Chile Verde

via

I love chile verde, and if something comes accompanied by chips I can usually get my kids to eat it, so everyone will go home happy. This recipe from Two Peas and Their Pod sounds pretty yum and easy, except the roasting chiles part will need a head start. I’ll throw those on the grill over the weekend and convert this to a lightning-fast pressure cooker recipe on Monday night.

4) Mac & Cheese bites

via

Big’s faaaavorite food is ribs. If I ask him what he wants for dinner: ribs. He don’t care whether that’s a sensible choice or not. We have not had them in a while but I am thinking Sunday dinner might be ribs, and these little mac & cheese bites would be a nice accompaniment that would intrigue Medium and Small.

5) Dream Bars

via

If you have ever been to a Potbelly’s, and if you were a smart shopper, you might have picked up one of their Dream Bars. They are over the top delicious, and the recipe is under lock and key. Lulu The Baker, however, thinks she might have it nailed down, so I am going to give it a go. These are not going to help my spring-shapeup campaign, but what the hell.

So that’s what’s on deck for me – what are your weekend plans? Do they include winning $1100??

abstract floral background
These large cash giveaways would not be possible without an amazing group of bloggers and small businesses who contribute. They include: Spaceships and Laser Beams, Vintage ConfectionsTania Fischer DesignThis Little MamaMade by a PrincessMighty DelightyDesigned by Dawn NicoleYumtasticsFrench PemberleySamantha Walker LLCJellyfish PrintsYoung Adult MoneyA-Manda CreationBellaArtista InvitationsSugar Co.BellaGrey DesignsParty PatisserieA Wife A Mom A LifeBabies ArtroomPiece of CakeKristeNicole PhotographyHousekeeping Services of Hilton HeadThe Storybook ShoppeSeshalyn PartiesBest BirthdaysCustomized Wedding CreationsFantabulosityGiggles and Grace DesignsMagical Vacations by TracyOne Swell StudioEat It & Say YumWise Owl ShopReality To DreamsSugar Sugar CakesUR InvitedTutus & Bowties EventsBe Envied Entertaining and Child Go GoAnd that’s not all! To see the entire list check out the Rafflecopter form below!

$1100 Thank Goodness It’s Spring Cash Giveaway

March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM toApril 21, 2014 at 11:59PM

Open Worldwide

PRIZE: One winner will receive $1100 USD payable via PayPal

Eligibility and Rules: This giveaway runs from Thursday, March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM to Monday, April 21, 2014 at 11:59PM. It is open to individuals over the age of the majority in their home country. The winner will be chosen randomly through the Rafflecopter form. It is the sole responsibility of the winner to report to and adhere to all laws in their respective country, which includes payments to any governing tax body. This giveaway is void in any country or territory where it is prohibited by law.

Claiming Prize: The prize will be sent via PayPal. The winner must have a PayPal account to receive it. The winner also must claim their prize within 48 hours of receiving notice. If you do not claim your prize within this time frame, your entry will be void and another winner will be drawn. Please ensure that  spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com is on your “safe list.”

Disclosure: This is a blogger-sponsored event that is in no way affiliated with PayPal, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram or any other social media channel. If you have questions, email Stephanie at Spaceships and Laser Beams at spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com.

Please use the Rafflecopter below to enter! None of the entries are mandatory but the more entries you do, the more chances you have to win! Running short on time? Come back as often as you like to finish the form and maximize your chances of winning the big prize.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

weekend

Posted in Yum | Leave a comment

“Pickles? Is That An Animal?”🍷RHONY Season 6 Episode 3 Recap – and GIVEAWAY!

Apologies for the delay – the blog was experiencing an assortment of technical issues! As was our friend So with her underthings in this episode. Let’s get to it and join So With A Sexy J an hour late for a rehearsal of her “team” for an upcoming “Cabarlesque” show she is intending to put on in the Hamptons to ostensibly benefit a GLBT youth center but really to massage her boundless ego and validate her neverending efforts to be not only perceived as hot, regardless of her age, but specifically to be perceived as hotter than Mo, who is also an old lady. The choreographer and backup crew are passing the time by performing over-the-top impressions of So’s performance and seeing who piddles first.

So, who is lost, and who cannot be on time despite a herd of college students enabling coordinating her every move, finally rolls in. She’s totally, totally comfortable performing onstage in her underpants for a large assemblage of theoretically moneyed, influential strangers, because she has a long childhood experience of pageants, modeling, and acting. This despite the fact that our So is at best average looking and at worst not all that attractive, in my book. I suppose they do allow anyone in who will pay the entry fee. Anyway, she’s here, and completely disregarding the planned choreography in favor of imitating Mo Singer’s awkward exercise routine (which basically looks like’s she’s pooping in the woods) and making up her own nonsense lines. This is the way she’s gonna go, because she has her own “unique moves”, most closely resembling the style of Ms. Liza Minnelli. She’s sure this is gonna be HUGE, people, and then they’re gonna take it on the road: LA, Vegas, Atlantic City, Indian casinos in central Ohio. HUGE.

Carole, meanwhile, is piloting a Jeep through Manhattan traffic en route to the Hamptons with Kristen riding shotgun and hanging on to the oh shit handle. Kristen’s husband, Josh, has been tasked with dropping the kids off at her parents’ house and meeting her there because she’s still pissed at him after the mud run. He is so not getting any blowjobs these days. Once arrived they connect with Holla and head to a very crowded beach for surf lessons, because these scrawny broads are meant to be our Lucy and Ethel and someone extra for this season, all wacky and fun. Bystanders assembled way too close snap photos as the trio bend ovah and struggle into their wetsuits, before plunging out into the surf. Holla gets it right away and appears to surf right over Radzi’s head. Kristen even does okay. Carole, however, not so much, but she couldn’t care less so long as there’s a hot Israeli instructor with whom to flirt. Priorities.

tres – clapclapclap – amigos!
via

So and her entourage, which includes an intern curiously named “Pickles”, roll up to her fabulous borrowed house in her late ’80s Mercedes convertible, which had to be (a) extricated from storage, (b) have the tires inflated, (c) have the license plate attached, and (d) get gas in order to successfully transport the crew out here for the big show. Upon arrival, So dispatches her #1 gay to deal with more gas, immediately takes off nearly all her clothes, and subjects Pickles and intern #3 who doesn’t have that interesting of a name to a kitchen undress rehearsal of the big show. The plus side of being here to endure your master tormenting you with exposure to her nearly-nude, prancing and jiggling form, is that the borrowed house has hot water, something the BrownSo sorely lacks.

who likes HOT WATER! woo!
via

Without further ado, it’s showtime, babies! A drag queen comes to collect So for the affair, because So is very well connected in the crossdressing community, and help her gear up, attitude and performancewear alike, for the big to-do which is being held in a very large airplane hangar for more than 500 people. Or, to be more accurate: more than 500 tickets were sold. Whether all or any, for that matter, of the ticketholders will actually appear for the performance is another matter entirely. One of So’s performance shortcomings, in addition to her utter lack of talent and appropriately bewitching physique for the work she is about to undertake, is her showtime wardrobe. Drag queens apparently have very expensive and complex costuming for what they do; So has what was in her underpants drawers, dropped in a box and hauled here by Pickles to see if there’s anything appropriate. So finds a somewhat overplucked red feather boa and an ill-fitting cheap bustier to wear with a pair of granny panties and calls it done. She also announces that she’s going to dismiss the professional backup singers and male accompaniment, because she doesn’t need no stinking talent for this. She’s gonna ad-lib it, like rapping. It gets better by the minute, doesn’t it?

The guests begin to arrive, all in their variation on “vintage 1920′s”, some with more success than others. Kristen is immediately introduced to Horny Harry, who is obviously the 7th Housewife this season. He’s not as hot as she expected based on his reputation; Kristen may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but she has impeccable judgment so far, if you ask me. The Dreschers stroll in, Aviva all in white satin, followed by Radzi n’ Holla, and then here’s the Kountess! Yay! I have missed the Klassy Kountess, haven’t you? Aviva is equally thrilled to see LuAnn and introduces her to her new friend, Image Consultant Amanda Sanders, followed by LuAnn’s Housewife replacement, Kristen. LuAnn is perfectly gracious to her replacement and invites her to come to her home for a barbecue the next day, which must be already on Kristen’s production schedule but it’s nice all the same.

Kristen, as newest Housewife, is no naive little kitten about what goes on and is on the alert about Image Consultant Amanda Sanders, snarkily remarking that she who drinks dirty martinis out of plastic cups has a lot of nerve describing herself as an Image Consultant when she looks like that. Holla, only one season in, is equally dismissive, demanding to know who this “hanger-on” is and how she’s supposed to factor in – is she a FOH? Or just an east coast e-cig smoking psychic shitstirrer? What she is is a person who “met” Horny Harry last summer, but he doesn’t remember her because he never saw her boobs. Or, maybe he actually did and wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened, which seems far more likely. A bra that is engineered to address one’s support needs should be top of any good image consultant’s checklist, for self or clients, no?

Aviva primes Lu for prime time by catching her up on the drama at hand: she made up with Mo, but has been in a “bloodbath” with Radzi, who called her a “bitch, bad mother, liar, and a psychopath”. This is no surprise to LuAnn who has had a chilly relationship with Radzi over their matching capes and LuAnn’s brazen requests to borrow fashion from designers accustomed to lending their precious samples to, oh, I don’t know, FLOTUS. Holla and Radzi move in to find their table and upon discovering that So had seated Radzi and Aviva next to each other (no hearts on these placecards) surreptitiously rearrange the seating. SMART, girls.

Showtime!

I wish Bravo would let me embed video
via

Carole respectfully describes So as making up in balls what she lacks in pro training, and that’s fair enough. Nonetheless, this is a hot mess. Image Consultant Amanda Sanders spends the whole performance snickering about how she just saw nipple, how she needs another drink, that this is what menopause looks like. The ‘Wives are appalled but they can’t say she’s wrong. When I went to camp at age 9 I had a cabinmate who would entertain us all by shaking her backside like So is doing such that her buttcheeks would make a clapping sound. None of that here, gladly, although there’s plenty of unintended jiggle and nonsense “rapping” like “make me your daddy”. Wha?

So gets a standing O, at least from the ‘Wives, and Carole assesses the performance some degree of success. There was admittedly a cringe factor, and it wasn’t Moulin Rouge, let alone the Lady Marmalade video, but she admires So for taking her traumatic divorce and making “some” art out of it. Carole probably, like me, believes that getting pooped on by a bird is good luck. You just have to make the best of a shitty situation, no pun intended.

A new day dawns and with it comes a swimsuit and coverup party, sponsored by LINKD, apparently, being presented by Kristen’s friend Alba. So is there and isn’t undressing today, instead flirting with an Argentinian in a t-shirt with a hamster on it, and ordering Pickles to bring more wine. Kristen models a Jane Fonda-era one-piece which only she could get away with, and suggests in an aside that maybe Pickles and her cohort could be replaced for pay with a single, professional servant who has his/her own apartment and knows what she’s doing, and be ahead in all departments. I do hope said person would still be named Pickles, though.

Meanwhile, the Dreschers are lunching with Horny Harry and Image Consultant Amanda Sanders (henceforth ICAS). They size up the SoShow which Aviva rates “good”, Amanda declares appalling, and even Horny Harry found less than titillating. He almost saw a bosom fall out!

The subject of Lu’s bbq comes up and as Pepe LePeu, who we are pretending is still Lu’s boyfriend, is out of town, Aviva doesn’t think it’s appropriate for a former fuckmate of hers to come, but Harry wants to anyway and Amanda saves the day by offering to bring him as her “wingman”, if not date per se. ICAS, sensing that Horny Harry likes his broads with their ladybits hanging out, hikes up her skirt at the table to show him what he passed over last summer. Failing to get HH’s rapt attention, she then announces that she figures he must have a huge “package” to be laying all these ancient Bettys given that otherwise, well… and Horny Hairy agrees, saying it’s better “unwrapped”. And yet I don’t get the feeling that he’d ever unwrap it for Image Consultant Amanda Sanders, do you?

via

Party at Lu’s! Maybe another drunk teenager will be found passed out in a hedge tomorrow. So is burning with jealousy over Horny Harry’s interactions with Image Consultant Amanda Sanders, and where is her little boyfriend Ben? He was just there helping her shove on her gloves? Holla and Radzi huddle up with Holla’s hot trainer before Radzi takes The Kountess aside to clear up the awkwardness between them, and it all goes fine and Aviva nearly butts in but doesn’t, thank God.

Does anyone actually eat at this barbecue? It looks like the trainer gets a plate in the kitchen but everyone else is sticking to drinkin’ if So’s mood is any barometer. So is out on the sunporch with Aviva and Lu, and Lu tells them all how she had a lovely, sincere apology from Carole that put them in a happy place and she hopes Aviva can achieve the same. Aviva doesn’t think so after all that name calling in her face. So is just appalled that anyone would do that; Aviva has written a MEMOIR! It is an a-MA-zing ACHIEVEMENT! And should be championed – any friend would say that’s great for you – and that’s it! Let the river run! And then let’s make out!

Aviva is shrieking like she’s been converted by a snake-handling minister at a jamboree, but Kristen is finding it hard to be polite at the moment and doesn’t understand why Aviva can’t let. it. GO. Radzi, Holla, and ICAS make the grave mistake of letting Production herd them onto the sunporch which, despite Kristen silently mouthing to them to go – GO! – So captures them and announces she’s “gotten to the bottom of BookGate”. “She’s gotten to the bottom of a six-pack of wine,” observes Mr. Little Mama.

Holla is not having this. Aviva lied about Carole and spread gossip and rumors so the current runs that way, not this way. Aviva cuts her off by declaring that Holla “threatened her” in front of her party guests, apparently when Holla advised her to “be careful” with what sort of defamatory remarks she made about Carole’s professional life. I’d call that “advice”, not threats, but that’s me. I guess Holla’s ghetto tone is a little confusing for people. Holla accuses Aviva of “character assassin” everyone, with her finger in the upright position, not pointing out or at, although Aviva considers that threatening as well even when the true pointing out/at position is demonstrated for differentiation. Lu claps for attention like a kindergarten teacher. “Children, children! Attention! I am the hostess! And tonight’s line leader! Let’s get everyone but Aviva and Carole in order for a potty break!”

No one moves, so I guess Aviva and Carole and throwing down with an audience. Carole hisses at Aviva that she lied about Carole and it was “inexcusable”. “Time for dessert!” cries The Klassy Kountess!” That’s when ICAS decides to stick her drunken ass into the situation and announces that Carole should “stop being an asshole” and “go the fuck away”. Oh, it’s on now, bitches.

Next time: Holla’s gonna git that image consultant sucka (maybe she should now be ICASS?)! So’s teeth keep falling out, they all ride in a mermaid parade and are mistaken for drag queens, and Aviva visits the site of her leg amputation.

Oh, and hey: who wants $1100??

abstract floral background
These large cash giveaways would not be possible without an amazing group of bloggers and small businesses who contribute. They include: Spaceships and Laser Beams, Vintage ConfectionsTania Fischer DesignThis Little MamaMade by a PrincessMighty DelightyDesigned by Dawn NicoleYumtasticsFrench PemberleySamantha Walker LLCJellyfish PrintsYoung Adult MoneyA-Manda CreationBellaArtista InvitationsSugar Co.BellaGrey DesignsParty PatisserieA Wife A Mom A LifeBabies ArtroomPiece of CakeKristeNicole PhotographyHousekeeping Services of Hilton HeadThe Storybook ShoppeSeshalyn PartiesBest BirthdaysCustomized Wedding CreationsFantabulosityGiggles and Grace DesignsMagical Vacations by TracyOne Swell StudioEat It & Say YumWise Owl ShopReality To DreamsSugar Sugar CakesUR InvitedTutus & Bowties EventsBe Envied Entertaining and Child Go GoAnd that’s not all! To see the entire list check out the Rafflecopter form below!

$1100 Thank Goodness It’s Spring Cash Giveaway

March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM toApril 21, 2014 at 11:59PM

Open Worldwide

PRIZE: One winner will receive $1100 USD payable via PayPal

Eligibility and Rules: This giveaway runs from Thursday, March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM to Monday, April 21, 2014 at 11:59PM. It is open to individuals over the age of the majority in their home country. The winner will be chosen randomly through the Rafflecopter form. It is the sole responsibility of the winner to report to and adhere to all laws in their respective country, which includes payments to any governing tax body. This giveaway is void in any country or territory where it is prohibited by law.

Claiming Prize: The prize will be sent via PayPal. The winner must have a PayPal account to receive it. The winner also must claim their prize within 48 hours of receiving notice. If you do not claim your prize within this time frame, your entry will be void and another winner will be drawn. Please ensure that  spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com is on your “safe list.”

Disclosure: This is a blogger-sponsored event that is in no way affiliated with PayPal, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram or any other social media channel. If you have questions, email Stephanie at Spaceships and Laser Beams at spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com.

Please use the Rafflecopter below to enter! None of the entries are mandatory but the more entries you do, the more chances you have to win! Running short on time? Come back as often as you like to finish the form and maximize your chances of winning the big prize.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

“I Feel Like Jimmy Carter”🍷RHOBH Season 4 Reunion Episode 3 Recap – and GIVEAWAY!

Slumping to the finish, we can finally close the books on an incredibly weak and bitter season of RHOBH. I’ll get to my own final thoughts at the end, but here’s what thrilling caca got thrown around last night:

Scheana, Part 666

Mr. Andy picks up where he may or may not have left off, not that it matters because it’s the dead cat on the table whether anyone is actively discussing it or not, with the topic of the collapse of the Pumped Up Glands Dynasty. Mr. Andy wants to know if the demise of their friendship had one specific denouement. The Glands says it was sort of a building thing, but the turning point (meaning, the point at which she officially turned on Lady Pump) was when she had to bed for No More Scheana. See, “someone who knows Lisa” said it was all a plot on Lady Pump’s part to create drama by having events where Scheana and The Glands would be in the same room. We have been over this at least one hundred times, but here again is Lisa’s explanation:

Pump Rules was being launched at the same time that The Glands’ first season (2?) was filming. The cast for Pump Rules had already been set and included Scheana, who had worked for Lisa for several years by then. Lisa was just getting to know The Glands so neither knew Scheana had diddled anyone’s husband, let alone that she had diddled The Glands’ husband. (As Lisa points out, she doesn’t even know where Scheana lives.) Following that, Production had asked for Scheana to attend certain RHOBH events as crossover. The Glands feels that Lady Pump could have and should have prevented Scheana from being a server at Mr. Lisa and Rumbly Mauricio’s birthday party, whereas Lady Pump didn’t think she had a realistic chance, or reason, to argue with Production about it. (Conspicuously, no discussion of the Sur Summit at which The Glands and Scheana talked it out so they could legitimately be in the same room together, because that was inevitably going to happen. I sort of thought after that they could handle it if Scheana was carrying trays around near The Glands, and maybe even interact on a basically civil basis, but I guess I was wrong.)

So now The Glands feels Lady Pump is cheating on her with Scheana just like Mr. LeAnn forked her on the side. After getting off track so others could bitch about Lady Pump, which we’ll come back to, Mr. Andy asks Lisa if she has “regrets” about Scheana. Umm, obviously, because if she had a different waitress tend the bitches this subject would be closed. This is when The Glands starts weeping and demanding to know whether Lisa would save her or Scheana from a burning building. That’s a GREAT question, Glandsy! A classic from the “when did you stop beating your wife” stack of cards. Not who do you want to save, but who would you leave to burn to a crisp in a towering inferno. I’d say: The Glands, because Scheana seems nicer and more stable, if annoying. Lisa’s answer is that she wouldn’t let any of her staff burn to death. Mr. Andy is not enjoying this line of discussion.

Mr. Andy asks Lisa if she thinks she and The Glands can be friends again. Lady Pump says she’s surprised to hear that The Glands loves her so much, because she’s so damn mean. Lucky Lisa! Lisa apologizes to The Glands for having Scheana serve at parties. Mr. Andy asks The Glands if she has any apologies to offer, and she halfheartedly acknowledges she handled the beach confrontation badly. Lisa still wants to know why The Glands wants to be her friend so badly, while I really want to know why any of them put up with The Glands. So exhausting!

feel sorry for me, I’m having a bad day
via

Lisa vs. Kyle, Part 666

So in the middle of all that we took a detour where Mr. Andy asked Kyle whether The Glands’ allegations that Lady Pump is a big conspiratorial strategizer are true. (Um, we know she thinks that if we recall the “Bobby Fischer” comment from last year’s reunion.) The Glands says that at one point in one of their long morning romantic telephone calls Lady Pump told her she was “losing her audience”, and that shortly thereafter the calls stopped. Kyle agrees the same thing happened to her. Kyle feels that everything she is upset about Lisa pooh-poohs as unimportant, whereas Lisa hangs on to everything Kyle’s ever done to her forever.

Now we’re back to TabloidGate, AGAIN, in which Kyle finally explains coherently that just by mentioning the subject of the Umanskys being in the tabloids she is reviving and giving a forum to a dead rumor that should be forgotten. This I totally understand. Lisa does not, however, insisting she only brought it up to “diminish” it and she was just cracking a joke about Lil’ Portia. Lisa apologizes, only for Carlton the beast to leap in with fangs bared and attack Kyle for hypocrisy because she’d made comments that damage her life, too, dammit! I’m waiting for thunder and lightning to rain down on the right-hand couch, I really am. Carlton is shrieking that Kyle is the kind of person who throws a rock and hides, Kyle dismisses her as a squawking noise, and Carlton shrieks that Kyle is “trash”. Between Yo and Mr. Andy it gets settled down without further incident. Both Kyle and Lisa apologize to each other, but when Mr. Andy asks what else Lisa needs from Kyle to get things straight she says nothing. Uh oh. Kyle’s person has been way too heavy with reapplying to purple spangly spackle during breaks.

Bring Out The Donkey Dicks

Finally it’s time to bring out the menfolk, in this case being Mr. Lisa, Rumbly Mauricio, and Mario Batali, who has lost weight having seen himself on TV. I saw myself in a photo looking alarmingly Kirstie Alley last week and while I know it was a terrible angle I am nonetheless on a strict diet of egg whites and green tea forever more, so I empathize. Mr. Lisa is wearing his purple Prince suit to match Giggy’s purple Pilgrim suit. (GHDF is “at his job” and Carlton’s husband is in New York or so she says.)

via

Mr. Andy asks Mauricio about the cheating rumors and the Umanskys insist all the drama brought them closer, how lovely. He appreciates Mr. Lisa standing up for him and the comment in front of Lil’ Portia was a bad joke.

Mr. Andy asks Mario Batali whether he really thought Carlton put a hex on him and oh yes he did, at first, now he just thinks she’s a Wiccan for shock value (whereas for real Wiccans it’s a lovely religion, having explored and met a few recently), but nonetheless they had the house cleansed just to be safe. Carlton goes off on her “so insulting – I don’t bring up or compare religions” diatribe again. What exactly did she expect to be her “story” this season? Mario does not apologize for throwing down with the bitches at SUR because his wife had no one on her side and that’s sort of his chivalrous job, and I agree.

Finally we get to Mr. Lisa, who gallantly and wisely apologizes to Yo for saying what she was saying was stupid and to Kim for asking whether she was drinking, and both accept the apology, so we don’t even need to discuss that. He points out that being called a grumpy old man is also not nice, which Kim acknowledges to be true. Yo insists Mr. Lisa did put his “hands on her” in an aggressive way, whereas Mr. Lisa insists he was talking to Mauricio and Yo kept butting in, finally actually butting herself into his finger. She disagrees, but what can you do.

So let’s talk about Mr. Lisa and The Glands: can this faux marriage be saved? Mr. Lisa thinks no; he had to cut her out because of her actions, and doesn’t feel he can handle her being back into his life again. Lisa thinks this says it all because Mr. Lisa is the most forgiving person ever, but it’s how Mr. Lisa feels, so there. The Glands completely loses it, weeping that it’s “not nice to be dropped” and she desperately needs “someone to stay”, so Mr. Lisa gives in, MAYBE. But his hip hurts too much to hobble over to give her a hug.

So, the end. Kyle conspicuously skips Carlton when it’s time for cheers.

via

I can’t believe Mr. Andy didn’t ask Lisa about Kim’s crack about her caring only about Mr. Lisa, Pandora, and Giggy, because as a mother I frankly feel leaving poor Max out was about the nastiest, most intentional swipe made all season. Who would have thought the Turtle Lady would deal the ugly card but that’s what I personally thought was  icky and mean and meant exactly as said.

What lies ahead? Well, what CAN? Kim’s run her course. Carlton and Mrs. PR have never caught on and there’s just nothing there to start over with (It’s really a problem that I can’t even remember PR’s real name, nor even guess the name of either of their husbands). We’re all bored with Kyle. The Glands has become totally tiresome, and either needs her own show in which to behave in her ridiculous fashion and at least be entertaining in a “Jackass” sort of way, or be done. Yo seems to want to continue but isn’t she nearly dying, despite looking fit and fabulous? Shouldn’t she have higher priorities? And Lady Pump is working hard to let the speculation build that she’ll bail on RHOBH in favor of Pump Ruling All The Time.

So it seems to me Mr. Andy is either going to have to build a whole new cast around Lady Pump (two Lady Pumpcentric shows? Does she have enough friends for this?) which may include Yo and be about ladies who lunch and all that, or maybe it’s time to scrap it all and start over with a more Hollywood-centered vibe. Actors’ wives, actresses, etc? I don’t know, I just feel like this is tired and not fabulous enough. And I, for one, am completely burned out on The Glands. I think she needs rehab for something – Twitter, drinking, forgetting pants, whatever. Someone get the butterfly net and send her off for a nice long rest. Sounds sort of nice, actually.

Oh, and you know what else sounds nice? How about $1100 in cold hard cash?!

abstract floral background

These large cash giveaways would not be possible without an amazing group of bloggers and small businesses who contribute. They include: Spaceships and Laser Beams, Vintage ConfectionsTania Fischer DesignThis Little MamaMade by a PrincessMighty DelightyDesigned by Dawn NicoleYumtasticsFrench PemberleySamantha Walker LLCJellyfish PrintsYoung Adult MoneyA-Manda CreationBellaArtista InvitationsSugar Co.BellaGrey DesignsParty PatisserieA Wife A Mom A LifeBabies ArtroomPiece of CakeKristeNicole PhotographyHousekeeping Services of Hilton HeadThe Storybook ShoppeSeshalyn PartiesBest BirthdaysCustomized Wedding CreationsFantabulosityGiggles and Grace DesignsMagical Vacations by TracyOne Swell StudioEat It & Say YumWise Owl ShopReality To DreamsSugar Sugar CakesUR InvitedTutus & Bowties EventsBe Envied Entertaining and Child Go GoAnd that’s not all! To see the entire list check out the Rafflecopter form below!

$1100 Thank Goodness It’s Spring Cash Giveaway

March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM toApril 21, 2014 at 11:59PM

Open Worldwide

PRIZE: One winner will receive $1100 USD payable via PayPal

Eligibility and Rules: This giveaway runs from Thursday, March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM to Monday, April 21, 2014 at 11:59PM. It is open to individuals over the age of the majority in their home country. The winner will be chosen randomly through the Rafflecopter form. It is the sole responsibility of the winner to report to and adhere to all laws in their respective country, which includes payments to any governing tax body. This giveaway is void in any country or territory where it is prohibited by law.

Claiming Prize: The prize will be sent via PayPal. The winner must have a PayPal account to receive it. The winner also must claim their prize within 48 hours of receiving notice. If you do not claim your prize within this time frame, your entry will be void and another winner will be drawn. Please ensure that  spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com is on your “safe list.”

Disclosure: This is a blogger-sponsored event that is in no way affiliated with PayPal, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram or any other social media channel. If you have questions, email Stephanie at Spaceships and Laser Beams at spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com.

Please use the Rafflecopter below to enter! None of the entries are mandatory but the more entries you do, the more chances you have to win! Running short on time? Come back as often as you like to finish the form and maximize your chances of winning the big prize.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

“Congratulations on Your Divorce”🍷RHONY Season 6 Episode 3 Recap

From one coast to the other as we return to New York and the pink alcove with the ratty-looking sofa where Aviva and Radzi are going at it. After angrily observing that Aviva has “never had a job outside the home” (I am not entirely sure what difference that makes), Radzi shouts “I don’t talk about your parenting – don’t talk about my career!” Aviva calls Radzi a name-caller and goes back to the “word on the street” spiel, that Radzi’s memoir was ghostwritten and her novel required a major editorial overhaul. “You are not a well-wisher!” Aviva shouts on the staircase, as I worry something truly bad is about to happen. Mo and Mario make a break for it, knowing the wheels have come off. “You’re a psychopath!” shouts Carole. “At least I’m not 50 years old!” Aviva retorts. Oooh! “You have turned your back on me and my family,” Aviva cries, and then each stomps off to find her real friends. Thank God nothing happened on those stairs.

via

I really think this nonsense is all a mess of egos and miscommunication, and probably a number of details that haven’t gotten into the editing process. Aviva is offended that Carole does not take her seriously as a writer. Thus, she let leak some “information”, which is at minimum complete misunderstanding of the editorial process and at most entirely made up, that Carole isn’t that great of a writer in the first place. Carole, on the other hand, considers herself a serious writer and Aviva a dilettante who is trying to pretend they are on the same playing field.

Obviously the things Aviva is saying about Carole are extremely damaging, to the point of being defamatory, and Carole is absolutely right to be exactly as worked up as she is about it all. But: she probably just should have said “how nice for you” when she heard Aviva was writing a book of her own, put up with her pretentious bullshit, and waited for the weak sales to make Aviva’s writing “career” sail quietly off into the night. But of course none of that happened, and Radzi’s now trying to justify her lack of enthusiasm for Aviva’s writing “career” which is just making Aviva madder and madder and more insistent on these ghostwriter rumors and we’re all going down the crapper with them.

Anyway: Aviva goes to So and Kristen (who was merely standing there and looks scared that she’s about to be assigned to Team Aviva by proximity), and is comforted that she’s right, no one writes a book on their own. Radzi goes off to find Holla (with Kristen close behind) to share her shock and regret for having come to this crappy party in the first place, and she’s leaving. Before she goes she tells Reid that his wife is “not nice”, and introduces herself to Horny Harry, congratulating him on his divorce. And she’s out of here. Holla’s opinion of this whole fiasco is that no matter what’s going on between Radzi and Aviva, it’s plain wrong to spread rumors and “fuck with someone’s career”. Amen, sista.

A few days later Holla stops by Mo’s apartment (because they are now friends?) and the “African travel coordinator” is just leaving. It seems Mo is leaving this weekend on a trip to celebrate Avery’s high school graduation, just as Holla is hosting a weekend in the Hamptons, so Mo’s gonna miss it and all the craziness of BookGate, too. Mo thinks it’s all just stupid. Holla thinks what Aviva has been saying is “unspeakable” and “despicable”. Mo can’t understand what dog Holla has in this fight, anyway.

Radzi, meanwhile, is meeting with her editor. Her EDITOR, people, because any non-self-published book gets an editor at the publishing house. And Radzi is making it damn clear that she may havean editor, but she makes all the final editorial decisions, period. She tells the editor (editrix?) that the reason she’s so grumpy is because of this dumb fight with “some girl” who has been accusing her of using a ghostwriter. The editrix is shocked – SHOCKED! And replies that if it only were so, the book would be a lot worse but the editing process would be easier. I think what she’s attempting to convey is the idea that no ghostwriter would write as well as Carole, but they also wouldn’t be as stubborn about the editorial process; however, her delivery sort of sounds like a backhanded compliment that the book is bad but could be worse. Eeeek!

Over at Townhouse Morgan, So is orienting one of her new interns, who is a rich girl assigned to handle So’s social media. So informs this intern that she requires a staff of 35 to function and that she has to have rich interns so she doesn’t have to pay them. They are live-in interns, too, which is interesting, and a problem because they mess up her plumbing (no doubt flushing BlackBerries and the like).

move on in and join us!
via

First So lights up a bunch of smelly candles to eliminate “jealousy”, her #1 problem. I am happy to inform So that I carry no jealousy for her whatsoever so she can worry a little less. As social media intern, this gal’s job is to convey So’s image: that she is down to earth, a hard worker, a woman of the people, and fun. I am not sure So is doing that great of a job conveying her own image, but anyway. She’s got a lot of “20 minute red carpet ready” appearances lined up, whatever that means, and is consulting an owners manual titled “NYC Brownstone”. The intern is scared, as she should be, but she’s gonna plug on all the same.

Back to Aviva, who is already shooting her book cover in Central Park with a team of photographers she supposedly has worked with for 15 years? Doing what? It takes a village to write a book, she announces again, as well as to get this photo taken. Kristen stops by and Aviva announces that the “real model” is here, and they take a break together. Kristen wants Aviva to be clear that just because she was standing by So at the party she is not on Team Aviva so don’t get any ideas. In fact, she gets Carole’s side of things, that she’s a professional writer, and Aviva isn’t. Aviva points out that she actually is an experienced writer, having been an English major, gone to law school (lots of writing there), and published one essay. I too was an English major, went to law school, published a story in Highlights for Teachers when I was 3, and now write this blog, but I am not going to start claiming to be a professional writer. Although like Aviva, I’d love to be. Kristen says whatever, I just saw a new side of you and I didn’t like it. Aviva muses that it’s strange to be having this fight with Carole having just gotten past one with Mo, because she actually felt closer to Carole in the first place. She feels like Carole’s response is jealousy. I don’t know about jealousy, but Carole does seem slightly territorial.

Uptown to Mo’s again, and we’re having some sort of timeline issues (either that or I am mishearing things), because Mo’s not going to Africa this weekend, she’s riding a bus out to the Hamptons as chaperone of Avery and her girlfriends who are off to prom all leashed together. Mo’s all ramotional about how Avery is the most important person in her life and she’s going to be leaving for college in twelve weeks and Mo’s gonna lose her shit. Where exactly is Mario, who is conspicuously not the most important person in Mo’s life? Missing out on this big teenage moment, that’s for sure.

Next, we’re in the park with Holla, the Taekmans, and a trainer, and they are training for a mud run in the rain, appropriately. Kristen is not sure she’s up to this but Holla is loving it. She’s a beast.

via

While Holla and Kristen slosh it out in the rain, Carole is giving a baby shower for a friend who decided to go bold and have a baby on her own, and the guests are all Housewives and not one single one among them knows the guest of honor. What the hell? And all the Wives think its absurd that the person who doesn’t want children is the hostess. Honeys, that is notthe weird element of this party. Mo arrives all sexed up in the least appropriate outfit for a baby shower I’ve ever seen, unless she’s looking to get consciously coupled by one of the caterer’s staff, and Carole introduces her to her friend, a recent Pulitzer Prize for fiction nominee, because she is not only a real writer but she associates with real writers, too! Carole asks him to explain the difference between a ghostwriter and an editor to Mo, but Mo’s clear on the definitions and politely declines. Radzi then takes her over to the window to have a chitchat about the Aviva situation and possibly push her out.

Radzi tells Mo that she didn’t appreciate being called out by Aviva in a “public setting”, Aviva’s private party at home, and basically thinks it’s all Mo’s fault for stirring shit up in the first place (telling Radzi Aviva was going around the party squawking “ghostwriter!” to everyone who would listen). But she’s over it, and appreciates Mo’s friendship, because Aviva’s clearly not – no friend would defame Carole as to her career. It’s all she has. Poor childless, widowed Carole. (sigh.)

Time now for the mud run with the Taekmans and the Thomsons, which is going to be a fiasco you can just tell. Don’t they know there are live electric wires and other terrible risks involved in this silly undertaking? They’re off, and not far in Kristen gets a cramp and has to walk. Husband Josh and Holla, undeterred, keep on going (Holla’s husband has long since left them all behind). But does our new ‘Wife give up? No she does not, finishing the whole messy nightmare and giving the guys wending giant q-tips a huge shove as her husband yells “encouragement” to her. The Thomsons have a joyous, slightly erotic reunion in the finish area but Kristen is absolutely furious with Josh for having left her behind and having made her participate in this ordeal in the first place. She might have cut up her model face on the barbed wire, dammit! Josh thinks she had a “choice” to keep up or not. Asshole.

Next time: So’s shaking her jiggly bits at a “cabaresque”. Another fight breaks out, this time involving a new girl on the block named Amanda. And the Kountess returns!

beautiful day

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

“You Have a Publicist? Why?”🍷RHOBH Season 4 Reunion Episode 2 Recap

Part Deux of the three-part RHOBH reunion; usually the softest spot in the arc, but we’ll see what we can make of it all, won’t we?

Mr. Andy picks up with a discussion of the ‘Wives diet and exercise habits, which doesn’t give me any new ideas in the least. The purpose here is apparently to address The Glands’ ever-expanding cheekbones, which she insists are not surgically enhanced (although she fully acknowledges having gone overboard on the filler, which is making her face look like a pressurized balloon). The Glands insists she does not want to go the surgical route for fear of ending up looking like “that girl who got fired last year”. Oooh, burn! And to think Adrienne got all worked up over The Maloof Hoof.

via

Mr. Andy asks Mrs. Puerto Rico about her tagline (“You can never be too young or too thin.”). PR claims she didn’t get to pick, and the tagline she really wanted was something inspirational and empowering for young women, which naturally got rejected because that’s completely not what this show is about.

Carlton

Let’s talk about Carlton for a while, shall we, because we haven’t had much reason to discuss her yet. The fact that her “segment” is kicking off the middle reunion episode bodes ill for our resident witch, which is disappointing to me because as ridiculous and segregated as she has been she’s at least never been boring. I like haughty, over the top British post-op folk.

First Mr. Andy asks some questions about Carlton’s practice of witchcraft and whether or not she’s putting hexes on people. Carlton shares that Wicca is the practice of “harnessing nature’s energies”, and that she only harnesses positive energies for positive change. Back in her younger Goth days when her mum had a nasty second husband she engaged in a whole lotta black magic, but once Mum divorced him (or he ran off, either way) she gave up on all that. Talk about the evil stepchild!

Mr. Andy then turns to the never-to-be-resolved hostility between Kyle and Carlton, and it’s like watching dogs fight. Kyle insists that Carlton watched the show before she came on it, arrived determined to hate Kyle, and that she is rude, judging, a liar, a hypocrite, a phony, and a bigot. Yow! Maybe some of that was flung the opposite direction, I just can’t keep track of the caca in the air. Carlton thinks Kyle is obsessed with her religion. Mr. Andy tries to placate Carlton, who at least doesn’t hate him, asking whether or not there couldn’t maybe be a teensy bit of confusion given all the religious paraphernalia of all varieties adorning her home and self. Kyle butts in that Carlton “doesn’t seem proud” of her religion, and you can just see Carlton considering a black hex now.

via

The Glands decides to get involved, peacemaker that she is, to say that the real issue is that all anyone ever talks about about Carlton is witchcraft, which is probably true because it’s kind of all there is to talk about with Carlton. Mr. Andy asks Yo if Kyle goads Carlton to get an over the top reaction from her. “What is goad?” asks our Dutch tulip. Having received a definition Yo says that at times Carlton is oversensitive and at times Kyle asks about it too much. So everyone is wrong and no one is right.

Mr. Andy asks whether Kyle wishes she could take back having called Carlton anti-Semitic and Kyle says yes, she wishes she could, so that is progress, but then turns the tables on Lady Pump for defending Kyle in person at the dinner but then being critical of her in her Bravo blog. Kyle thinks this is another example of Lisa supporting whoever she thinks is going to back her up. Mr. Andy does not go down this road and asks Kyle and Carlton if they can ever be friends, which gets a sound NO so at least they agree on that. I don’t really think Carlton is coming back.

We have a brief talk about the kids off at college and it’s totally boring except for the fact that K2 has pledged Kappa, Gigi pays her own rent on that fabulous white NYC apartment, and everyone agrees if The Glands could be filmed at home with her kids we’d see her in a whole new light.

Kim versus Lisa

I don’t know whether Mr. Andy is trying to keep the possibility of Kim’s Housewife status alive or he’s trying to send her out with a bang, because next he asks her to pile on Lady Pump, and specifically Mr. Lisa who isn’t here. We replay the segment where Kim tells Kyle that Lady Pump only loves Mr. Lisa, Pandora, and Giggy, which is really sad for poor overlooked Max as well as Rumpy. Mr. Andy asks Lisa what her problem is with Kim and she insists she doesn’t have a problem, she just doesn’t “get” her, what with all the turtle stuff. Kim starts snarling that she’s never talked about turtles in front of Lady Pump which is sort of beside the point, but you can see where this is going to go.

via

Kim is bitter and angry about Mr. Lisa’s cracks about her absences, which call attention to her non-sober-times, which she acknowledges existed and about which she feels terribly bad. She then barks at Lisa that she goes around talking about how good she is to everyone but she’s never been a good friend to Kim, which may be more than a little true – if Lisa wants to talk about how she’s tried to be a good friend to all the ‘Wives and the world at large that’s fair enough, but how well she’s succeeded at being a good friend is sort of in the eyes of the receiving end, no?

But Lisa insists that she has tried, and that she sought out Kim when she heard one of her children broke his leg, but then found out it was other “issues”, then names the child by name, which of course all refers to the child of Kim’s who had a mental breakdown last summer which made the news. Kim is now livid, and insists she never would have had the supportive conversations Lisa claims they had because she didn’t trust Lisa in the first place.

A commenter on a message board I follow thinks this was a completely intentional move on Lisa’s part – to bring up this mental health crisis that has been left off-screen (but which I am certain I heard more than one time was actually going to be covered on the show) – demonstrating her pattern of sneakily mentioning the things others want left unmentioned. I am not so sure it was all that nefarious of a plot, and I do wonder whether at the point this was filmed (weeks before the end of the season) Lisa or anyone else even knew for sure what was going to get included. Details about the tail-end moments do seem to get a little fuzzy in these reunions, don’t they? Like they haven’t had a chance to revisit them and check the editing? Regardless, AWKWARD! And we do all wish this child a very full recovery.

Anyway, the end deal is that Kim’s got a weird can’t live with you, can’t live without you thing with Lady Pump. She desperately wants maybe not her friendship but her approval and inclusion. The whole graduation party absence gets rehashed in extensive detail, with the end result that Lisa says she wishes she had gone and she just really didn’t know how important it was to Kim. I do believe that, personally.

The Trouble With The Glands

Finally, we come back ’round to the overpuffed Glands, who has gone from being on top to being in trouble, as Mr. Andy puts it. The Glands feels she had a series of problems that just piled up, between being sued by her former landlord, her dad experiencing renewed heart problems, her dad deciding to stop talking to her, and her mom checking out on the whole situation. The Pumps, therefore, were her “LA Family”, so having trouble with them was very difficult for her. Lady Pump feels she tried to help but The Glands pushed her away; Yo butts in that The Glands went into a deep, dark, depressed place before their very eyes. But now she’s back on her dose of Lexapro and it’s all okay, yay!

After briefly touching on the subject of her current dalliance, Drew, who wants to get married and have babies and she does not, we move onto whether The Glands is a drunk in need of rehab. The Glands insists that she has a very busy sober life that we don’t get to see because her damn ex-husband won’t let her kids be on TV, at least not with her, therefore she’s not this drunk all the time. Mr. Andy asks Kyle what she thinks and she concedes that sometimes The Glands takes it too far. Mrs. PR, of course, still thinks The Glands needs rehab.

They go into a bickery snit about whether or not Mrs. PR has experienced the stress of being followed around by paparazzi for five straight years. Of course she has, in her home territory of Puerto Rico, to which The Glands retorts that Mrs. PR calls those paps, and Mrs. PR announces that her publicist told her that The Glands calls her own paps and then forgets they are there and gets photographed drunk with her tampon hanging out, so ha! “You have a publicist?” asks Yo. “Why?” “I have a show, honey,” PR sneers. “It’s called Siberia.“. “Oh,” says Yo. SNAP. My favorite moment of the night.

This then changes tacks to whether or not The Glands is embroiled in a pity party and failing to appreciate all her blessings and instead pulling everyone else into her depression. Yo tells PR that she wouldn’t have any idea whether or not The Glands is thanking God every morning – what does she know about depression? WELL, Mrs. PR, who seems to know something about everything, knows a lot about depression – a LOT – because her cherished mama was depressed after her marriage collapsed and had to work three jobs and raise a shoeful of children, and she didn’t treat people badly and use her depression as an excuse like The Glands does. Yo thinks The Glands doesn’t make excuses for herself and that PR ought to have a little compassion and treat people better herself because she’s so happy clappy she doesn’t even have a damn excuse. PR is bitter because when she tried to hug it out with The Glands The Glands said ew. They are not really made up. I think PR is trying too hard, again. And you know who doesn’t get asked if The Glands needs rehab? Kim, who would be the resident expert on that subject.

Next time: bring in the big dicks! Lady Pump and The Glands hash it out over Scheana The Homewrecking Gremlin again, Kyle goes boonanas, and Everyone Hates Ken. Later gators!

beautiful day

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

Avivasection🍷RHONY Season 6 Episode 2 Recap

Much like this BookGate crisis is in no way going to close out anytime soon, this recap just keeps on going and going. I have been working on this for six days. Maybe today’s the day?

We open in a nearly-empty restaurant where Aviva is waiting for her reluctant lunch date, Radzi. They are going to talk about Aviva’s book and Radzi clearly wants to be anywhere but here. Something or things must have happened in the off season because I don’t remember Radzi having particularly powerful feelings against anyone when we left off. Not so much anymore! It can’t just be the fact that Aviva asked Radzi for “help”, rather than “advice”, for her book project. Aviva, meanwhile, is giving Radzi her biggest smile and kissing her ass so hard her nose is going to turn brown, as some other ‘Wife once said, can’t quite remember which.

Radzi sits in the seat closest to the door and asks for simply a glass of water so she can make a speedy exit should circumstances require. Meanwhile, Aviva settles in to peruse the menu wearing her “SWF glasses” – just like Radzi’s! Aviva actually went out to get herself Radzi’s actual glasses and couldn’t find them, so she bought the closest pair. Radzi is appalled that Aviva is “stealing” her “look”. “Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery,” she tells us. “Flattery is the sincerest form of flattery.” I think Aviva is attempting to exercise both options here, but Carole isn’t buying.

Reaching for another something-in-common thread, Aviva tells Carole that the reason they haven’t seen each other since Carole’s book party, other than the fact that they aren’t friends and Radzi doesn’t like her, is because Aviva has been “under a rock” writing her memoir. So when Radzi wrote her memoir, asks Aviva, did she use an editor? Hmmm? (I sort of thought EVERY published book gets edited by an editor….) Well, Carole did her own editing – she writes in this “lyrical” way, you see, so no one at the publishing house is permitted to change even two letters without her approval. (How would you change two letters?) Aviva is using an editor, she admits, but she’s doing the writing herself – no ghostwriter. It’s like writing a long email, she says. Carole is offended by Aviva’s casual attitude toward writing – how easy it all is, because most professional writers spend years and years honing their craft before they get a big writing opportunity like a memoir. Oh honey, this is only the start. Buckle up.

Aviva then poses the big one (or at least the big one is edited in here because we don’t see Aviva’s big fat mouth actually speaking the words to Carole in this setting – we just hear the awkwardly-spliced-in hateful question: “Do you ghost your books?” GASP! What? Carole has been a professional writer and journalist for 20 years. This is like asking Lance Armstrong if he used performance-enhancing drugs. Or asking Kim Kardashian if she got butt implants. Or asking Carlton Gebbia if she still has the penis. It questions the integrity of the core of her being. Carole is flabbergasted and cannot begin to imagine why Aviva is asking such questions or what her point is other than to put her in the awkward “when did you stop beating your wife?” position.

We don’t see how this ends, but we do see that they both made it out alive and with all their hair intact, because next Aviva’s meeting Mo, of all people, at a wine shop, while Radzi is taxiing up to the park to sit on a bench with Holla and Kristen, who are trying to get some exercise. Aviva has asked Mo to meet her at the wine shop to consult on appropriate wines for her upcoming housewarming party (to celebrate the new “home” the Dreschers are fake-moving-into to facilitate filming of “home” scenes) and Mrs. Drescher is one tall beige drink of water, that’s for sure.

She tells Mo that everyone’s coming to this party, including Carole, even after their “disturbing” lunch. Aviva felt one-upped and put-down, AND the whole problem is that Carole asked Aviva was using a ghost, right out of the box, so Aviva said no, why, did you? Alternatively, Aviva’s publishing house, which remains nameless, passed on Carole’s book because it was a hot mess, AND told Aviva that Radzi had used a ghost AND told her the ghost’s name:

via

Maybe Aviva needs to stock up on Bitch wine in honor of Carole. Mo recommends rose as it’s hot right now.

Over in Central Park, Radzi tells Holla and Kristen about her “insulting” lunch with Aviva, and basically gives them the version of events that we already saw. Carole cannot believe that Aviva would question her integrity and credibility like that, when it’s the very core of what she does professionally. This isn’t like announcing to the world that a very reputable dentist just has a good hygienist. Holla points out that at first meeting Aviva announced herself to be a stalker fan of Carole’s writing. And who the hell does Aviva think she is, anyway? for two years she’s just this person and now she thinks she’s a writer? Eyes are narrow.

Moving on, The Holla Family visits the Taekmans in their rather crowded and regular-seeming apartment. I realize real estate in NYC is another world entirely, but I sort of would have expected the Taekmans (Mr. Kristen being some sort of mogul entrepreneur, or so we are to think) to have a little more space. It seems that the Taekmans’ daughter, Kingsley (not to be confused with Kim Richards’ dog) is nearly 18 months and not walking, instead doing the one-legged scoot-pull thing my middle son preferred to crawling. Kristen is worried and they are going to start investigating the cause. I thought I heard someone talk about a thyroid condition? Holla shares the emotional story of her son Jax’s birth in need of a new liver. Or kidney? Liver, I think. I would have expected Kristen to know this story but she supposedly does not. Also, whatever may be going on with little Kingsley I don’t think it’s going to require an organ transplant. A little kiddie PT, maybe. My son was a Weeble so they put him in a pair of bike shorts with the crotch sewn together, put him through a little baby Pilates, and voila! Core strength!

Moving day arrives, and the Dreschers are using some operation that puts everything in bins, which is very ecologically sound. The Dreschers will be using the entire supply of bins to relocate to the upper west side, which is akin to moving to Wichita for these people. The new “apartment” is a two story thing that they are repainting and redecorating on the fly because the intention is to (a) move in, and (b) have a party in the next three days. Good think Aviva has chosen no-VOC paint. Horny Harry the ex-husband stops by to drop off Harrison and announce he is going to dinner and sex with Sonja. They both have 23-year-old yum-yums on the side, but this could be love. And Harrison and his school chum, So’s daughter Snuffelupagus, could end up brother and sister. How ’bout dem apples!

To prepare for this horizontal lambada, So invites Kristen over to take off their clothes in front of each other and have an intern give them spray tans inside a temporary booth fashioned from garbage bags taped to stacks of toaster oven boxes. So feels this would be a great chance to get the scoop on BookGate, which she heard about from Mo. So thinks Carole can’t be much of a writer herself seeing as she talks about sitting at her typewriter for five whole years to get this new book out, so who is she to get snooty with Aviva?

Aviva, meanwhile, is getting a one-leg pedicure with Holla, her new neighbor on the UWS. Holla loves a pedi and a chance to find out what the real deal is with BookGate. “So tell me about the book!” she demands. “What’s the purpose? Who’s the audience? Is it about the leg? You need a hook, dammit! I bet you spend a lot of time with your… ghostwriter.” Aviva’s catching on now. “I used an editor,” she sniffs. “WELL!” says Holla. “Not everyone can write. I read a lot of biographies, especially about rock stars. And they all use ghostwriters,” Holla informs Aviva. “Well, I didn’t,” replies Aviva. “But Carole: DID!” A-HA! Aviva’s really gonna be in for it now!

We go out to pre-sex dinner with So and Horny Harry. This is clearly intended as a forum to give Harry screentime (talk about someone who wants to be the seventh Housewife) and let So give her various commercial enterprises some promotion. Forget toaster ovens or catering; So is now: plotting to take over the worlds of lingerie, swimwear, and plastic jewelry; been asked to be the “face” of a store (I can only imagine); and is working on a perfume for her dear friend the prince of Saudi Arabia. Why should she spend her $25 million on, oh, I don’t know, paying off her debts or offering a little something to her indentured servants Chanel-bag-Sharpieing interns when she can make money off other people instead? And maybe she and Horny Harry should just get married. Ugh.

Time for the Drescher Housewarming, and the elevator is broken so that’s gonna suck. This new setup offers ten rooms and somehow all the painting and installation has been arranged in time, which either means that the minions have been busting their asses over the last 72-ish hours or BookGate has been drawn out and edited to bits. The Dreschers have set up bars all over the place including their master bedroom, which is interesting and maybe an excellent idea. Also, the bed in here was a wedding gift from Horny Harry to his ex-wife upon her remarriage, which is altogether weird, and made even weirder when SoMo rolls on it.

Carole has in fact come, with reservations, because she “doesn’t pet snakes” and neither do I. Everyone’s grouped up gossiping about Aviva’s ghostwriter allegations, including Aviva, who repeats the “word on the street” comment to So and Kristen. Kristen takes Carole’s side which is smart. Meanwhile, Carole and Holla huddle to talk about what transpired at the pedicure outing when Mo marches up and bites Radzi on the nose. Holla demands to know what Mo has heard about The Ghostwriter and Mo tells Holla and Radzi that Aviva has been telling everyone with ears that some dude named Bill Whitworth wrote her book for her. That’s the last straw for Carole who stalks off in search of Aviva and drags her upstairs to Have A Word.

And what a word it is. Carole starts off by telling Aviva that she doesn’t know what her purpose is in spreading this ghostwriter allegation, but she’s messing with Carole’s career – Carole, who as a widow is all on her own – which was good grounds to stand on. Then, however, she throws in the assertion that Carole as a writer versus Aviva as a writer is comparing “apples and spaceships”. Not that she’s comparing comparing.

But that’s enough for Aviva, who resurrects Kelly Bensimon’s “I’m down here and you’re up here” poor me catchphrase and tells Carole she’s mad because Carole has been belittling and unsupportive and unkind. Which has a ring of truth to it, but doesn’t merit a responsive attack on Radzi’s professional credibility. More “word on the street” about Bill Whitworth and whose publishing house doesn’t want to work with whom, culminating with Carole practically spitting at Aviva that she’s “nothing” had has had no career outside the home. Meep! That’s enough for Aviva, who stalks off shouting and I am terrified that this is heading toward a staircase. Will they both make it out of BookGate alive? Is this where the leg comes off?

Next time: more BookGate, of course. Avery’s off to college and Mo’s getting all ramotional about it. And the Taekmans and the Thomsons do a mud run and it doesn’t go very well.

beautiful day

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

I’d Hate To Be Married To You🍷RHOBH Season 4 Reunion Part 1 Recap

Where the hell are we? Marie and Hank Schrader’s fantasy ballroom? Christ, the purple! And the lighting is appalling and totally inconsistent. Kyle is gonna regret that sparkle spackle on her eyelids when it melts off and scorches her retinas.

via

Let’s talk about the seating arrangements, because like tea leaves they must be read into. Kyle, The Glands, and Kim are seated at the left hand of Mr. Andy, with Kyle nearest and Kim farthest. One can always presume that the disposable ‘Wives are on the end and it certainly seems as though Kimmy’s finally going to be let go as has long been anticipated. The left couch is the Blue Crew, with their getups ranging from true blue to purple to sort of blueish black wallpaper. Solidarnosc!

On the right hand of the Bravofather are arranged, from innie to outie: Lisa (all pink, of course), Carlton (all blue, causing confusion and bewilderment), Yo (orange), and Mrs. Puerto Rico in SPARKLE! With matching drag queen pumps and her Bratz doll hair artfully fluffed. This couch perplexes me. I am thinking that with Lisa and Yo not getting along Carlton was stuck between them so they don’t have to touch each other, not because she’s any more secure in her future ‘Wifeliness than Mrs. PR, both of them rumored to be on the chopping block.

via

Enough with that, let’s get ready to rumble!

Lisa vs. The World
Naturally, we begin with Everyone Hates Lisa because that’s where we left off. Lady Pump starts bleating about how The Glands has started a baseless rumor that she once lived deep in the heart of Calabasas and filed for bankruptcy. The Glands keeps meowing that it’s true because she paid $9.99 to look it up online, the Calabasas part at least! She is an idiot. If you pay someone $9.99 for information online they will tell you anything you want. The Glands insists she was so, soooooo hurt by the revelation of The Pumps’ alleged and unverified stay in Calabasas, because when she lived in the Valley Lady Pump used to joke she needed a passport to come visit. Lady Pump snipes back that The Glands used to joke about sleeping with Mr. Lisa and they all managed to survive that without Xanax.

This is when Yo jumps in and demands that they focus their attention on HER complaints about Lisa, specifically that Lisa didn’t pay enough attention to her when she was down to only 20% of her brain function. AND she has utterly failed to acknowledge that Yo is very very VERY upset about this, and especially very very VERY upset that Lisa didn’t come to her painting party because that was VERY important and VERY special and Yo made her own guacamole and arranged the flowers and everything! Mr. Andy looks alarmed and we cut to a commercial while someone finds a paper bag for Yo to breathe into.

That Crazy Kim
Changing tacks entirely, it’s time to send Kim Richards off into the California sunset with a little salute. We are treated to a montage of Kim making weird faces and noises and falling off furniture, before Mr. Andy has a serious conversation with Kim about her commitment to sobriety, which occasionally requires her to pray next to garbage cans. Kim confirms she is not dating much and definitely not dating Jimmy McNichol, although she insists he looks great which he most definitely does not.

via

Also, it turns out Kyle shares a fear that Kingsley might eat Kim with a considerable part of the viewing audience, and yet still we cannot breathe the words PIT BULL aloud. Anyway, Kim’s really come full circle and is so grateful for the show to keep her sober and accountable and make her feel important.

And, we’re done here. What more is there to say? This season included a lot of dog while the promised naked-crazy-child-in-the-street crisis was omitted altogether. Not that I remotely think the naked crazy child in the street situation should ever have been broadcast (hell no!), but we just don’t have anything real to build on and what’s actually significant in Kim’s life is happening off camera. May you live long and prosper among many turtles, Kim Richards. Adios.

Sochi 2014
Next let’s talk to another ‘Wife likely to be seen no more, Mrs. Puerto Rico, aka Jacqueline. We are reminded that she’s the first Latina Housewife and she’s very proud to be so, except I don’t really think she is, is she? What about Miami? This was offered like it’s a general thing but maybe Mr. Andy meant in a franchise-specific sense.

Anyway: we’re offered a montage of Mrs. PR and The Glands fighting, including a scene from the SUR dinner where The Glands screams at Mrs. PR that she’s “stupid”, and Yo, who is sitting next to Mario Batali, doesn’t blink an eye. I guess one woman calling another “stupid” is not nearly as offensive as a man calling a contrived situation involving an overreacting female “stupid”. Yo needs to take a step down her soapbox ladder and maybe think about consistency in what she demands and what she offers in return, or she’s gonna end up on someone’s Season 5 shitlist.

The Glands and Mrs. PR launch into each other over whether The Glands was thoughtfully advising her new friend PR or talking crap behind Lady Pump’s back with the whole fiasco over PR attempting to arrange Lady Pump’s hair and the subsequent confrontation. During this segment it’s revealed that regardless of the she-said/she-said between The Glands and PR, guess who was shit stirring behind the scenes? Yo, again! I don’t think Season 5  is going to go well for Dutch Refrigerator is what I am thinking. But no one has yet noticed this among this group, and the caterwauling segues into a nasty bit about whether or not Mario Batali is short fat and ugly, what his dingus is like, and tight ladybits, and The Glands’ drunken makeouts with her overweight “gaygent” with her tampon ripcord hanging out. I can’t speak further of it.

The Glands cracks on Mrs. PR’s “ice skating” dress. “Sochi calling!” she coos. Mrs. PR gives her the hairy eyeball but good. Mr. Andy replays the infamous “you’re a black person” comment for which The Glands is genuinely contrite. It seems her house was egged and she was threatened while at a HomeGoods with her kids over that one, so she realizes she needs to think a little more before she tries to deliver jokes that aren’t as funny when told by a tall skinny blonde. Carlton interjects to point out that “labels have consequences” and barks at Mrs. PR to be quiet when she tries to agree. I think we’re also done with Jacqueline, but she’s not gonna leave this cast without a fight, you just know it.

More Ado About Lisa
Enough about that, back to Lady Pump and her squabbles with The Glands. The Glands whines Lady Pump acts all officious and controlled on camera which The Glands thinks is designed to make The Glands look drunk and shitty by comparison. Lisa insists she is henpecking The Glands because she’s trying to prevent her from looking drunk and shitty on camera, but The Glands is gonna do what The Glands is gonna do, feminine hygiene be damned! Mr. Andy wants to know what the difference is between Lisa’s henpecking and Yo’s henpecking, and The Glands instantly responds that Yo is always henpecking on and off camera, whereas Lisa gets drunk and shitty with her when the cameras aren’t around. I am not sure what we’re proving here other than that Lady Pump is too smart to fall down the SoMo rabbit hole with The Glands.

Mrs. PR jumps back in to accuse Yo of being “inconsistent” by telling Mrs. PR how to hostess and then being rude to her own dinner guests. This goes on for a while like a dog with a bone until Yo curtly dismisses Jacqueline, sneering that she’d “hate to be married to you”. She’s no Genius Husband, that Jacqueline, but she tried.

Mr. Andy asks Lisa about the DWTS fainting incident, which really we’d all forgotten about so long ago. Lisa insists that DWTS was “so hard”, and that when she fainted (and fell so gracefully thanks to the able and gentle assistance of her dance partner, conveniently caught on camera), she had been practicing 7 hours a day for three days, plus had done two live shows and traveled to New York City and back overnight. And she struggles with low blood pressure and dizziness and is just a regular delicate old flower. It’s touch and go, being Lady Pump. “Don’t worry, I have the paddles,” snickers The Glands. Lady Pump gives her some major glare and Drake Hogestyn eyebrow.

via

So with that we turn to the question for all time: can Lady Pump take a joke? She can definitely dish it out, we all know that. Carlton thinks she competently “takes the piss out” of Lisa, and Lisa agrees. Kyle thinks it’s not a big deal if Lady Pump doesn’t handle being on the receiving end that well, so here’s your space to admit it, Lisa. But before that question can be answered, Yo’s gotta change the subject back to Yo and her complaints that Lisa didn’t visit enough. After cutting Lisa off for a while, Yo finally gives Lisa the chance to say she may have visited more than once but she certainly realizes she wasn’t giving her “friend” the due that her “friend” expected, and that’s she’s genuinely sorry Yo felt neglected. So that seems fixed and hopefully we can stop talking about it.

Two more reunion eps to go, people! Sit tight, and someone get Kyle some powder!

beautiful day

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment