Thou Shalt Not Tweed Thy Stranger 🍷 Project Runway Season 13 Episode 10 Recap

From an “American Girl” challenge to a “girl off the street” challenge – they just aren’t letting up on the non-model-model challenges, are they? Yes, it’s another “real world” challenge in which our remaining, Indian-girl-free designers are tasked with finding a complete stranger out in Washington Square Park who just happens to be available for the next three days and make her an outfit. A makeover outfit, no less. So they have to convince a stranger to go down the road that has provided others with pure public humiliation without insulting them in the process. Good luck, people.

zoinks!

Luckily for this remaining group, they all have tact, something that has eluded many before them. VEN and Chinless Fatneck I am looking at you. So off they go. I really have to wonder how this works: did Production pre-clear a reasonable number of available, functional adult women to be available in this park so that the designers have enough options to find at least ONE, like a scavenger hunt? You kind of have to think they did, logistically speaking. And everyone does, although British Bill Rancic finds his last, standing around the center of the park like a deer in the headlights until he winds up with the most attractive gal in the bunch – ho! What a lucky break!

Pono the Pencil Gnome was the first person to land a model and is immediately regretting his choice as his model turns out to be a bit of a hippie lulu. And Pono doesn’t design for hippie lulus. He’s shattered. He’s struggling, and uninspired. Until!: Pono remembers that he’s a genius with denim, and hippies love denim! A jacket and dress in contrasting denim it shall be.

Another designer who is struggling is Overbite Guy, although he has no idea anything is wrong until Tim Gunn stops by and informs him that what he’s working on is “one of the most hideous garments” Tim has ever seen in his “entire existence”. SHAZAM and POW. Mouths gape. Silence descends, holds, and clenches. Overbite Guy just did not realize that his green houndstooth tweed crop-top-and-circle-skirt combo looks like it has been drenched in the green snot from Ghostbusters. What he thought it looked like I cannot begin to guess, but I saw snot and clearly so did Tim.

Everyone else seems to be humming along and feeling reasonably confident, whether or not such confidence is misguided, until the unthinkable happens: in literally the last seconds before runway time, the black girl’s model accidentally runs her zipper right off the track. Black girl sort of freaks out at her, then looks to Tim in a blind panic. He’s been her savior once before, will he do it again? Tim considers the fact that this is a schoolteacher off the street, not a model, who will have to strut the runway pants-free, and reflects on the hell that hath had no fury like a humiliated person-off-the-street in previous season challenges. Tim decides to ask the designers if it’s okay to give the black girl ten more minutes to replace her zipper. They agree, and are immediately bitter en masse about it. What do they care? She’s not going to knock anyone out of the top nor butt-bump them down to the bottom, anyway. (Frankly, if they said no, I think the judges would take greater pity on the whole situation anyway.)

So after a ten minute wait that is greeted with great theatricality by the judges, it’s runway time. Our guest judge is Michelle Monaghan, who is more familiar than many of our recent judges to me.

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And away we go!

13-10 middleSafely in the middle this week, after all that consternation over just asking a girl out, is British Bill Rancic. No surprise as his look was probably the most middle-of-the-road, but also the only look I’d actually wear. Without the sweetheart bustline, preferably.

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Top is Blossom, Pono the Pencil Gnome, and Pat Benatar, redeeming herself admirably after last week’s pogrom fiasco. The judges like Blossom’s look for the craftsmanship that went into it; apparently leather jackets are her “thing”. I appreciate her work but do not love jackets like this and love blue-and-black together even less as we well know. And I find the skirt wonky. And the styling unflattering.

I’m also somewhat alarmed by Pono’s ensemble; the denims do not work together in the right way for me (although I realize the risk of going Britney-n’-Justin is far too high when working in denim-on-denim), the skirt shape makes his gal, who wasn’t that big, look enormous in the caboose, and there’s a whole lotta boobage hanging out. This is supposedly for a “first date”. That‘s a date I’d like to see on The Singles Project.

Pat Benatar’s flamenco costume is wackadoodle but also totally appropriate for her eastern-European artiste. Some people do wear things like this and her girl is one of them. It’s well and thoughtfully made. But Blossom takes it and her head gets THAT MUCH FATTER in the process.

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Our bottom are: the black girl, Wart, and Overbite Guy. The judges are just underwhelmed by Black Girl’s peplum jumpsuit shorts suit. They don’t think the length is appropriate (even though the client appreciates it), and they just don’t find it all that inspired or well-made. I hate the peplum. Who likes a flounce on their ass, other than Kim Kardashian? I just do not understand peplum. Zac says it looks like a tap dance costume and it TOTALLY DOES.

Next time: it’s a team challenge and the designers have to craft looks from

Wart and Overbite Guy’s looks are straight out of Modcloth. Have you ever ordered something from Modcloth? I did, once. It was one of the less retro looking things and I thought it would be a cute simple A-line dress for the office. WRONG. It was so short it could only fit in office porn, and the fabric was so painfully cheap I could hardly wait to stuff it back in the box and delete all future emails. Wart’s Modcloth look is further accessorized by a cheap-looking vest. NO. Overbite Guy’s is ill-fitting, unflattering, and horribly styled. Although at least he removed the snot trails. This is really difficult, if you ask me, but the judges and I agree that Overbite Guy is not working out here. For me it was the oxfords he put her in. If he’d picked better shoes this might not have happened this way…

Next time: it’s a team challenge (so late in the game!), and they are going to have to create looks out of crap found in old storage containers. Eeeeeuuuwwww.

beautiful day

 

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Pressure Cooker Spicy Cilantro Hummus 🍴 Let’s Eat

Hummus: you either love it or hate it. I can’t claim I was always sold on hummus, and there’s some I still don’t love, but now that I’ve started making my own (in the pressure cooker!) hummus has become a mainstay in my daily diet.

I have a particular love for cilantro hummus (also something people love or hate, but I love). Costco used to carry this great kind that has, alas, disappeared from my local shelves. Thankfully, Dishing Up The Dirt has a perfect recipe that hits all the right notes for me: olive oil rather than tahini; just a hit of spice from jalapeño; and oh, the cilantro! Mmm.

spicy cilantro hummus 2

Every two weeks or so I make a batch in the pressure cooker. I eat the same thing for lunch nearly every day – a spinach salad with a little bit of feta, some avocado, a homemade simple vinaigrette, oh and a dollop of this spicy cilantro hummus. Once you’ve made your own you’ll never go back to the store-bought kind. (And once you’ve made your own from dried chickpeas, you’ll never go back to a can.)

Pressure Cooker Spicy Cilantro Hummus

  • 2 c. dried chickpeas (I get mine in the bulk section at the hippie grocery)
  • 3. c. water
  • 2 cloves garlic, crushed
  • nice handful of cilantro, to taste
  • 1/2 to 1 jalapeño, to taste
  • juice of one lemon or lime
  • 1/3 to 1/2 c. olive oil, to taste
  • salt and pepper to taste

Rinse chickpeas and pick out any scabby looking ones. Drain well and add to base of pressure cooker along with water. Secure lid and pressure cook on MEDIUM for 35 minutes. Quick-release pressure, allow contents to cool slightly, then place in food processor with garlic, cilantro, jalapeño, and juice of lime or lemon. Run processor to puree ingredients, then while motor is running add olive oil down the chute until you get your desired consistency. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Adapted from Dishing Up The Dirt.

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Trendwatch: ONESIES 🍷 Project Runway Season 13 Episode 9 Recap

It’s funny what life is like when the only thing worth watching on Bravo is Below Deck. I’m sort of in a scramble for decompression activities. In my real life I am seeking paper bags to breathe in I am so running at 11, pushing for a major ballot issue in my community, organizing LEGO robotics club, figuring out what in hell we’re supposed to be doing for Cub Scouts, organizing PTG events, carpooling to soccer, taxiing to appointments, and retrieving forgotten musical instruments. In addition to working a part-time professional job, producing meals, fulfilling my marital duties, and managing an overabundance of dogs. Which is a whole story unto itself. Oh, and wondering how stressed I ought to be about ISIS. And climate change.

So thank Chaka Khan for Project Runway! It has not been the same since moving to Lifetime, no, but it’s still got Tim Gunn and it’s still a welcome escape to Mood from the weary realities of life in general.

This week we had our “alternative model” challenge of the season. Having learned a lesson from Ven and the catastrophic “real person” challenge of a few seasons back, PR has decided to tie this episode’s product placement into American Girl, and a new concept they have! YAY! scream the gals who love to watch Dance Moms!

Have you ever been to an American Girl store? I have. I even own a Bitty Baby. There are several explanations for this. The first is that the founder of American Girl was a friend of my dad’s from college, and thus when AG first became a “thing” we were way sucked into the rabbit hole, even though I was already in high school by that time. The second is that visiting the American Girl store is an “experience”, one my mother felt I needed to have and was being denied by the distribution of male body parts in my household. And so it was that when I came home for what I expected to be a “girls weekend” with my mom a few years ago for a scholarship event in memory of my dad, we ended up taking my twin nieces to the store for brunch while my sister and her husband went to a funeral. This also required me to sleep in a twin sandwich the night before, and be “made over” by these aspiring Maxine Factors afterward. Rouge and backcombing is big with the Aught set. The third is that my mother feels I have one too many children so was compelled to buy me a Bitty Baby of my own to fend off any lingering desire to have a fourth child, and also fill the “girl” gap. She was my Christmas present and lives in my room. Mr. Little Mama pretends she is not there.

So anyway: here the designers are, presented with aspiring Punky Brewsters paired up with historic American Girls. Apparently there’s a new line offering “modern” takes on the historic dolls’ looks for their humans, and that’s what we’re designing for. Not that this is well-explained but familiar as I am I got it. They can use the fabric provided for the dolls’ getups, and/or buy their own stuff at Mood with a budget of $150. Textiles are going to be an issue, I can feel it.

Immediately, two of our designers are feeling a fringe moment. Really, all of our designers have been feeling a fringe moment all season long. I have never seen so much fringe. And Tim Gunn is over it. He tells both that fringe is a mistake and costumey. Now I don’t like to disagree with Tim Gunn but hello! THESE ARE COSTUMES. Expensive, and masquerading as real clothes, but costumes all the same. American Girl is hardcore dress up. So British Bill Rancic and the black girl, who want fringe, are in a quandary.

The designer who feels she has the upper hand tonight is Pat Benatar, who (a) has a daughter, and (b) has a “cult” Etsy line of kids clothes. Crickets when she refers to her “cult” Etsy status. Unfortunately, though, Pat has taken her doll’s history as an escapee from the Russian gulag to the brighter shores of America a little too far and is getting her model up in a moss-colored taffeta skirt with a tragic faux-crochet cardi. The look is good. The colors are: sad. Sad is never a good word on Project Runway; sad child is the kiss of death.

But wait: WAIT! It could be so much worse. And it is. See, the Indian girl has a doll who wants to be a boat making kingpin, and thus the Indian girl thinks what the real-world girl who loves this doll needs is a onesie. A pair of footless pajamas in cheap-looking pink rayon, with a peuce half-tutu attached, and tacky faux buttons glued to the front (replacing the word art originally considered), and a line of snaps from the ass up. Just like the pajamas my sister had to dress the aforementioned twins in when, as infants, they got into the habit of undressing and flinging poop pellets. Footie pajamas, feet cut off, put on backwards, and reinforced with duct tape. That is what Indian girl has produced for us tonight, people. Tim is horrified, but Indian girl is sticking to her guns. This is not her first jumpsuit critique, people.

That evening, everyone meows about Indian girl’s onesie while Indian girl cries into her pillow for Pat Benatar, her sole roommate. All she wants is respect, people! And compassion! And for everyone to overlook her utter lack of social graces and self-awareness.

Runway time! Our guest judge is, inexplicably, Elisabeth Moss from Mad Men. I have abandoned all pretense of assuming there is a reason behind these choices.

My favorite look of this whole show is Wart’s, but the judges call her Middle:

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How cute is that? I was not altogether sold on her slave-girl-quilt concept originally, but it works, it’s on trend, and looks like real kids would wear it. Nonetheless.

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The judges feel the top are the black girl, Pono the Pencil Gnome, and Blossom. I’m already not excited about this but here we are. The black girl has defied Tim Gunn, who gave her the Tim Gunn Save, and gone with the fringe regardless of his opinion about it. Nina loves it so this was a good move. I really like the fabric for her dress which is AG textile. Smart choice! Pono also used the AG textile and made a great coat-and-dress combo in contrasting yet coordinating patterns. It’s very holiday high tea and it works. (Although I am unsure about cutouts in children’s clothing.) Blossom, who was not at all sure she could handle dealing with children, has done just fine and contributed a Jessie Gets Dressed Up look. I do like the skirt better for the yellow underlining. But there’s no way this could be mass-produced – although I guess this challenge is pure concept with no production guarantee so who cares anyway? Pono takes it.

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The bottom are Pat Benatar, the Indian girl, and British Bill Rancic, who forewent the fringe and ended up producing a tragic Liberty print jumpsuit and prison vest bedazzled with a typo-ed peace logo on the back. It’s just catastrophic. Whereas Pat’s is just ugly, and sad, even if her model is full of SHAZAM! But Indian Girl: oh, oh dear Indian girl. There is no excuse. It even has a bolero. And visible ass-snaps for easy diaper changes. CFDA Fashion Award Winner Zac Posen describes it as “circus flamingo”. It’s that, and so much more. I don’t know one child over 2 who wouldn’t cry if their mother tried to make them wear that. Indian girl stubbornly disagrees with all criticism. She thinks it’s hot shit, just like her. And so it is. Adios, Indian girl. Admittedly, Project Runway might not be as fun without you to kick around, anymore.

Next time: o laws it’s a real people challenge. And Tim has to unleash the phrase “butt ugly”. That’s gonna be a hashtag….

beautiful day

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Rain On Runway Day 🍷 Project Runway Season 13 Episode 8 Recap

I realized early this week that I never recapped the last episode of PR (inspired by high-end jewelry; Blossom won with a big plaid coat, forgettable Daria was auf’ed for a forgettable red blah gown, the end). My desktop Mac has been hijacked for side-by-side Minecraft battles, while my four-year-old has taken over my iPad to watch endless Paw Patrol play videos on YouTube. Who are these adult men who tape themselves playing with children’s toys and put it on the intertubes? I just really don’t get it. And now a generation of children aspire to be YouTubers when they grow up.

Anyway: back to Parsons where it’s an avant-garde challenge inspired by the new Samsung curved ultra-HD TV aaaaaaand: they are going to pour rain on the runway. It’s a RAINWAY, you guys! So the designers need to be inspired by the natural combination of television, curves, and water. Hmm.

Wart, who is up for anything at all times, has decided this pairing brings her back to Cleopatra. What? Well, she loves Cleo, so when she thinks rain she thinks runny mascara, and thus she’s making a dress of vinyl eyes. The Indian girl is recalling her childhood days obsessed with television and having to stare at the test pattern when there was nothing on. I, too, remember those days, but I wouldn’t go making a jumpsuit out of those stripes and putting clear vinyl and pinwheels over it, but that’s the difference between me and the Indian girl. British Bill Rancic is making what looks like a plain white dress but there’s a surprise: he’s going to put packets of dye inside it, so that when it gets rained on the colors will bleed. Cool! And there’s only one chance to find out if it’s going to work, although I think the likelihood of disaster is pretty slim so the suspense element is a little overblown.

Everyone seems to be enjoying this challenge which makes sense since they have plenty of threads to follow inspiration-wise and the avant-garde challenges usually are designer favorites – except Sprockets. Sprockets is not having fun. Sprockets is having an emotional collapse, in fact. This is shocking – he seems like avant-garde would be his thing. Maybe he’s having a bad day. Sprockets has decided to make a television-inspired plain dress with a play button positioned right between the boobettes, and disregard the rain element altogether. Considering a television would short out in a rainstorm I think he’s missing an opportunity, and Tim Gunn doesn’t push him too hard which is also mysterious. It’s like he’s dying before our eyes, Sprockets.

Runway time! Our guest judge is somebody I’ve never heard of from “Masters of Sex”, which I’ve never seen. She’s very opinionated.

The show is really fun with the rain element, for which they had to go offsite to an undisclosed location.

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It’s quite obvious that Sprockets is going down, although I am astounded that the judges also strongly dislike Pat Benatar. I thought her Catwoman costume was very well-crafted, but they feel its derivative and are sternly annoyed by that. Seen one Catwoman suit, seen them all. Blossom is a fiasco but she has immunity so it’s not worth discussing.

13-8 top

Their favorites are British Bill Rancic, Pono the Pencil Gnome, and the Indian girl. Whaaa?

Yes, they actually like this clown costume with the pinwheels that didn’t actually spin as promised. I feel the Indian girl failed to deliver, but the judges think it’s neato and her ego gets an additional stroking. In the stew room she’s all smug and self-satisfied about how “unique” her point of view is compared to the others who were compared to Alexander McQueen, and now everyone hates her even more.

But thank God for Pono the Pencil Gnome and British Bill Rancic because their work was smashingly successful. Pono put together an S&M umbrella dress that was somewhat undermined by the crushed beret he perched on top. Bill Rancic’s dress was sort of nothing special but the dye effect was perfectly amazing and actually made the dress gorgeous – it could have turned out brown, you know. He has to win. When do you ever see fashion that actively transforms all on its own? Nina Gahcia loves that he lined it with a plastic crinoline so the model didn’t get all stained, which was something I was worried about, too.

And so Bill wins. Drat! Foiled again! shrieks Pono inside, although he’s all smiles through gritted teeth for the judges. And Sprockets is auf’ed, not that he gives a poop anymore. He tells Heidi he’ll see her again. Maybe, she responds. Ooof!

Next time: an American Girl challenge! Oh LAWD!

weekend

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Goodbye and Good Riddance 🍷 RHOC Season 9 Rehash

So, this isn’t a recap of part 2 of the RHOC reunion because (a) Comcast is still refusing to put out for my TiVo, and (b) although I could search it out to go watch it elsewhere, I just can’t bring myself to do so. I know what happened, we all knew what was going to happen before it even aired. I can’t take one more second of Tammy BarneyJudge. She reminds me of a weasel: conniving, utterly vicious, and always playing defense by playing offense.

Apparently the big drama at the reunion was the breakdown in the relationship between Vic and Tammy. Vic accused Tammy of being bitter and announced that only a miserable person would be as angry and hateful to all those around her as Tammy has this season. This naturally caused Tammy to start throwing the F-bomb around, a nice tidy case of she can say it but Lizzie can’t. These two insist that in their shriveled hearts they love each other and carry around each other’s deep dark secrets (and maybe a few nude selfies), but I think this friendship is done. I just think Vic is moving into middle age and Tammy is decrepitating before our eyes. (I thought I made that word up but spellcheck isn’t flagging it, who knows?)

So where does this franchise go from here? Clearly Vic and Shannon intend to stick around; Vic has previously announced she will leave this franchise horizontal and room temperature, and with Shannon as her new BFF we have the first truly fun queen bees since Vic and Jeana were paired up. Shannon has plenty more material ahead with her renewed marriage and her cute girls. Heather is making Lady Pumplike noises that maybe she’s ready to move on because all this ugly is beneath her, which means she really wants a fan uprising to beg her to return. Lizzie I think we can take or leave. Other than calling a spade a spade with Tammy she just isn’t that interesting. Or pleasant to look at.

But the big scuttlebutt is that Tammy is getting the can. I never know whether to believe these things or not, but the rumors point out that she has no storyline and her pot stirring created all ugly and no fun which ruined the whole season (WORD). The main thing that lends this idea credence to me is the fact that this reunion was just two parts. When is the last time they had a reunion that was less than three? Even RHONY was three. Supposedly Eddie refused to attend, which tells me he’s over it. Today Tammy’s minions are out there making the case that her imminent grandmotherhood would be a great new storyline which is just crap – Ryan put his mattress on the roof and made a break for it, for God’s sake! And who cares? Remember when there were rumors Tammy would get her own spinoff? Ha. How the mighty and plastic fall.

You know what was really lacking this season? Good real estate. Peeping in the windows is where this show got started, really – that and out of control teenagers. Redecorated or not I think we’re all tired of Vic’s Brown House, the Dubrows have left the chateau for a nondescript rental, and Shannon’s admittedly fabulous home needs a little lift and a little life. Everyone else: tract housing. Nice tract housing, maybe, but nothing new. We really need these franchises to show a slice of life that’s distinctive to the locale and OC is really sagging in that department. Other than the big plastic boobages.

So my advice to Mr. Andy (who isn’t in production anymore, which may be part of the issue, but I’ll direct myself to him anyway) is that we need some different women who really reflect Orange County. And we desperately need some wild teenagers. I was hooked on Laguna Beach long before I ever saw my first RHOC episode (caught in the middle of the night while nursing my now 8-year-old). Back at the beginning the teenagers were kickass. Tammy Knickerbocker’s girls were jaw dropping - only in the OC do you have kids kicking off careers as cheesy promotion girls complete with catfights. Lynne Curtin’s kids? Maybe they go a little too far into rain wreck TV seeing as one now does porn or so I’ve heard. I don’t think we have to go that far astray but I’d rather watch Tolan and LC and Stephen - and their moms - than these moms. I want past-their-prime moms desperately trying to keep up with in-their-prime kids. THAT would be fun. That’s pretty close to what Pump Rules is, actually. Hmm.

So that’s enough about that. I am not gonna lie – I’m perfectly content to be without a Housewives franchise at the moment. Recapping NJ for last season burnt me out on that and I haven’t really been watching, but maybe I’ll get bored. Of course Comcast has to fix my TV first. For now, more regular life – food, projects, kid stuff, personal stuff – and Project Runway on weekends! My regular life is a lot more interesting to me than anything I saw on RHOC this season, which pretty much says all that needs to be said about that. Adios, Tamhammy. You suck.

What do you think? Are you over Tammy? Is there anyone you want to see back, or do you want to see RHOC get a full reboot? Is there any hope at all?

beautiful day

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Nice Day for a Yellow Wedding🍷 Project Runway Season 13 Episode 6 Recap

We’re having a little issue at the Rancho in that it seems my cable card in my TiVo is crapping out. I can’t get Bravo! The horrors! Lifetime was also out a few nights ago but has resurrected itself. Thus I was able to catch up after the fact with this week’s episode.

Which was a wedding dress challenge (snore) for pairs of two (eek!). Our designers are whisked off to some dark theater where none other than Dita Von Teese appears. Everyone is very excited to see Dita Von Teese. I am not. What is her deal? I know she’s supposedly a burlesque dancer, but for who? Where? Has anyone ever seen this? It’s all very Kardashian to me. Also, she was once married to Marilyn Manson which says everything I need to know about this woman. She also seems very judgmental.

So the wedding dress challenge is to create two “unconventional” wedding dress looks, one for the ceremony and one for the after-party. I feel like wedding dress costume changes are over, but clearly no one is asking me anything about any of this. The button bag pairs people up and like it always does, puts together at least one very dramatic combination of conflicting personalities. Funny how that happens. In this case, it’s Wart and Blossom. Blossom was on the bottom last week but she somehow seems to think it’s all Wart’s fault and/or Wart is really not talented and should not have gotten a second bite at the apple. Sour puss that Blossom.

Off to Mood they go and it becomes instantly apparent that the team of the Indian girl and the black girl is in big trouble because they choose citron leather among their fabrics. Because nothing says “wedding” better than yellow leather. Overbite guy and his partner pick red fabric the color of a scab. Carrie’s prom dress comes to mind.

In the workroom, there are struggles. Blossom has created a pair of white shiny pants so tight I fear it is going to cause an intestinal blockage in her model, and the black girl is fighting to unpoint leather nipples on her bust. Blossom is lucky to have a functional team player in Wart who gets busy compensating for her disaster, whereas the black girl is partnered up with the queen of delusion this episode. The Indian girl fusses about overworking her ceremony gown into a loving-hands-from-home fiasco, having saddled them both with this urine color, and abandoning her partner to sink unsupervised.

Runway time! Our judges are the aforementioned judgmental Dita and some Italian fashion blogger. Whatever.

Wart and Blossom are miraculously safe, and Pono and British Bill Rancic are the clear winners.

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The judges love their interpretation of lesbian wedding couture. The main issue here is who should win? Pono is super excited (practically jumping up and down and clapping) because he made both the black dress and the blouse of the second look. The judges, however, overall like the pants look better (as do I) and give to to Bill Rancic. Two in a row! Pono been robbed!

The judges basically dismiss the goth girl and Sprockets and move on to what they don’t like.

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Where to begin. Overbite’s overworked fluffy getup looks like birds sent through a window fan. His teenage partner’s shrunken patch is… awful in a thousand personal hygiene ways and altogether not wedding. But then there’s the screaming yellow pair of messes. The Indian girl’s gown looks like one of my corncob holders, whereas the other is just a mess. It’s like it got stuck in the zipper on one side. And, it’s yellow, which is enough for everyone, and the black girl is out. No Tim Gunn save for her.

Next time: we’re designing to pair with jewels, y’all!

weekend

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“Does He Give You Gas?” 🍷 RHOC Season 9 Reunion Part 1 Recap

Reunion time, people! And it isn’t looking good for Ms. Tammy seeing as she’s alone on the left couch with Heather Dubrow. Mr. Andy goes to Vic (in the middle over in the right couch) first, as is the custom, and as he greets her Tammy is shooting major eye daggers at her. Oooh, burn! The big news is that Vic is thinking about buying Andale’s, and Lizzie used to date Nick Lachey, both before and after J. Simpson, but if you read any gossip magazines or websites you knew that.

Let’s talk about tonight’s looks, shall we?

* Heather got bangs cut during hair and makeup and is in a wine colored shift. Not her color.

* Tammy is wearing Barbie pink and looks OLD. And more like Ryan every day, thankfully save the pubey beard.

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* Shannon, who arrived with her hair wet in a towel and no makeup on, is now in a hot pink peplumy cocktail sheath with real-looking diamonds. Makeup does a lot for that woman.

* Lizzie is all Lizzed up in a yellow and cream strapless things from the TJ Maxx prom department. She’s just too much everything. And her skin looks really rough.

* And then there’s Vic. Tonight the grande dame has decided to grace us stuffed into a red lace super-deep-cleave cocktail sleeve. Her giant fake mammys look like a butt. Also, her neck; to paraphrase Nora Ephron, I feel badly about her neck. Face and hair look okay, though. Being mooned by Vic’s boobass is going to really bother me.

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So Mr. Andy kicks things off by asking about the junior set. Tammy basically completely dismisses Ryan’s relationship with his babymomma as an act of two desperate fools who met on Instagram at vulnerable moments in their lives. Also, he basically met her and moved away two weeks later. Well, how are things going now? That would be the telling fact. Not a word.

Vic is still crying every day that Briana moved away. She has been to visit SEVEN times in less than three months. Briana shows up on Skype with Troy and the new baby, Owen. She’s hanging in, and the freezer full of food Vic left behind helps. In related news, all of Oklahoma now hates Vic, which is fine because she hates Oklahoma back.

So let’s talk about Shannon Beador and Heather Dubrow, shall we? Heather explains immediately that she felt marginalized when Shannon met Vic n’ Tammy, who were already excluding and picking on her, so she was ridiculous, prickly, and sensitive, and overblew the chair thing, and owes Shannon an apology. WELL! Shannon appreciates the apology but points out that it’s “Heather Dubrow’s thing” to repeat something over and over again until all the world can do nothing but believe it as true, which is what she did to Shannon, and she kind of needs to lay off doing that.

Shannon also thinks Tammy throws a whole lotta fuel on Heather Dubrow’s fire. She feels that the way Heather dressed her down at the hoedown for her lateness was “punitive”, to borrow a Heather Dubrow phrase, but Tammy’s really to blame for pointing out to Heather that Shannon was late in the first place. The left couch – Tammy and Heather – both acknowledge Shannon did not actually yell at Heather at her Christmas party, while Shannon now acknowledges she wishes she never stood up to Heather on Tammy’s behalf in the first place. “She has a right to her opinion,” snarls Tammy. WHOO. Looks like Heather Dubrow is backing right off and clearing the way for Pile On Tammy Time, and we’re not even 15 minutes in.

So for reasons unclear Mr. Andy changes the topic to Vic. The segue is apparently “forgiveness”, and whether/how the parties involved in last season’s Donn2 audiotape “beat that bitch” fiasco have forgiven and moved on. I think. Vic says she didn’t forgive easily, but Donn2 really genuinely felt badly and made a mistake so she did ultimately forgive him, which sounds pretty easily to me. One person she’s not forgiving too easily, though, is Tammy, apparently for not liking Donn2. Tammy jumps in to cry that she never brought Donn2 up herself, that she’s agreed to accept him if that’s what Vic wants but she doesn’t have to like him and doesn’t and THAT’S HER OPINION!!!!!!!!! I think Tammy has been eating Kelly Bensimon’s gummy bears. “I didn’t say he’s a low down piece of shit con artist!” she shouts. Except she just did. Shannon likes that LDPOSCA because he “lights up” Vic’s eyes. So there.

Time to move on to more awkwardness, this time the ugly between Dr. Terry and Mr. Shannon, who have both lost about 25 pounds and look great. Mr. Andy asks why Mr. Shannon sent Shannon The Email and Mr. Shannon says sometimes he finds it easier to express things in writing, which Heather agrees is often the best way. Shannon pipes up that getting The Email was the worst thing that ever happened to her, until she was betrayed by Tammy who called her a “sad soul”. Tammy, who “stirs things up” and makes up crap about the Dubrows wanting to take the Beadors down and says Shannon drinks too much. Tammy continues to insist Shannon drinks too much, but let’s be honest, if we had to hang around Tammy for weeks on end we’d all drink too much.

Mr. Andy asks about the night Heather threw Shannon out and again, here’s Heather backpedaling furiously and insisting she now feels terrible that she was so wrapped up in herself, that she feels terribly sorry, but that throwing Tammy under the bus is where she would have drawn the line. A semantical disagreement over whether Heather kicked Shannon out or invited her to get out ensues. Heather apologizes again, and Shannon points out that this is where they differ; Shannon accepts an apology the first time, whereas Heather seems to require repeated efforts.

Back to Tammy for a minute, as the “take down” comment pops up. “There’s the truth and there’s the goddamn truth,” says Shannon, declaring that either Tammy made the whole thing up or Terry actually said it. Vic concurs that Tammy told her about it, too. Tammy starts shrieking that Shannon drinks and twists things, which is when Lizzie pipes up that no matter what was going on it was super weird of Tammy to bring it up as a discussion topic in front of a table full of people who were all going to melt down over it. DAMN. Shannon and Lizzie are way too smart for this shiitake.

But we’ve got to keep postponing the best pile-on-Tammy stuff so Mr. Andy brings it back to Dr. Terry and Mr. Shannon and how Dr. Terry lost his bananas at Vic’s Balinese dinner party. Dr. Terry, backpedaling himself, says he didn’t hear the spread-em crack at the hoedown but heard about it later and the comments made by those throwing Mr. Shannon under the bus made the crack sound so much worse. Also, he thought Mr. Shannon’s apology in front of others was “grandstanding”. Funny, Mr. Shannon thought it was a sincere apology at the first opportunity to give it. He meant the crack to be funny (which it clearly was, but also in bad taste), and HE found Dr. TERRY to be scary angry at that dinner table. Which he was.

Dr. Terry tries to explain his belittling “construction guy” comment as being intended to complain about construction guys who catcall, not to belittle. No one is buying it. Oh, and by the way, Mr. Shannon is a big hot flirt who asks Vic what color bra she is wearing. Shannon finds this unsettling. Mr. Andy then asks Dr. Terry and Mr. Shannon if, in conclusion, either of them finds their behavior with regards to the other regrettable. Dr. Terry does, in fact, regret his tone, his outburst, and getting all riled up. Mr. Shannon fires back that like their wives, the difference between him and Dr. Terry is that all it takes is one apology and Mr. Shannon is over it.

Next time: we’re ramping up on Tammy and her ugly, black heart. Cheers!

beautiful day

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Hard Core Heidi 🍷 Project Runway Season 13 Episode 5 Recap

Five episodes in to season 13 of PR and I am just getting recapping. This happens – the first few are the “look at the silly people” episodes that are amusing, but not always great fashion. Right about now is where shit starts getting real. (I just typed “shit sharts” – ha!)

So in episode 5 we’re getting real by designing Heidi a dress to wear to the Creative Arts Emmys. This is the Emmys that isn’t actually on TV, unlike the Emmys on tonight to which she will presumably wear something else. Made by a professional.

It’s always tough when the challenge is to dress Heidi; she’s gorgeous with a perfect body, but has very specific ideas about what she likes and doesn’t without having a distinct style or look. She likes things hard and soft. She likes a lot of skin showing. She likes things that are so ugly they are cute. And what she likes and what I like are often not the same, so it’s basically a giant dilemma for these frazzled, overwrought designers.

Coming into this episode, Wart, our voter-retrieved loser from last season, has immunity. She’s basically going into each challenge like she’s a bit buzzed and couldn’t care less, and immunity just ups the ante. So she’s doing something perfectly Mrs. Roper involving electric blue and cheap looking bead trim, or at least I think it’s beads. I am shocked gold lame ricrac isn’t involved. Heidi’s going with it. Whee!

This season we also have an uberconfident gay Hawaiian who I shall name Pono because he reminds me of Pono, our chubby tour guide when Mr. Little Mama and I went zip lining in Kauai. (Which, for the record, was perfectly terrifying.) Pono claims he is cousins with the guy who sang the Hawaiian version of “Over the Rainbow”. I am pretty sure all Hawaiians claim to be that dude’s cousin. But anyway. Pono works fast. He works fast, he seems inclined to the glitz, so he’s on this like butter. His gown involves black lace and curvy-seamed black side panels, and a back cut down to the butt cleavage. Heidi loves butt cleavage so she’s into it.

British Bill Rancic, who has been scraping the bottom week in and week out thus far, is going to go with electric blue and black, a combo I loathe. But in fringe. I am intrigued.

Elsewhere, there are struggles. Many, many struggles. There’s a Asian girl with 50 shades of gray dye in her hair who bought see-thru fabric. Blossom is working up a painfully dark green satin something with one long sleeve and a lot of snakeskin, and Heidi hates it. ALL of it. The Indian girl everyone hates has something going on with gold snaky fabric that she’s painting and peacock feathers. I actually like it, but Heidi does NOT. Someone else has a bustline that Heidi thinks looks like devil’s horns. She also doesn’t like the graphic print of Sprocket’s look, but I think it has potential.

It’s basically a disaster in the making, and with more than one designer lacking sufficient or appropriate fabric Tim and Heidi decide to throw a rarely-invoked bone and give everyone $100 more dollars and a chance to go back to Mood. Those who do not wish to get more fabric get to use the time otherwise lost, and can also give their $100 to any of the designers going shopping. Which is when the Indian girl snaps up everyone’s extra cash and really infuriates all by purchasing a bunch of incredibly expensive fabric. Daggers fly from designer eyes.

Runway time! Our guest judge is Lindsay Vonn. What?

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I get the very distinct feeling Heidi does not like Lindsay Vonn. Not one little bit. I also get the feeling Lindsay Vonn has not the first clue about fashion and is repeating things others are saying in her comments.

13-5 topTop three are Wart, Pono, and British Bill Rancic. Zac Posen is unconvinced about Wart’s look, but perhaps there isn’t another worth giving any real thought to so he approaches it with a “meh” eval. They all like Pono’s gown but it’s black, and black = boring. Heidi LOVES Bill Rancic’s fringe dress. For once Heidi and I agree, although I would have loved to see this in a different color. Bill wins.

13-5 bottom

Bottom three are an overwrought dude with a major overbite, 50 Shades of Gray, and Blossom. All three of these designers had really bad assessments in the workroom and went back to Mood for more fabric; only 50 Shades ended up with something reasonably well-assembled, but… the devil horns. That is some wiiiiiiide cleavage. The other two dresses are catastrophically sewn, the fabric looks cheap, and in the case of Blossom’s green one the color choice – a second, utterly-failed attempt to select an attractive green – is just hideous. There are zippers in the wrong places, wonky seams, hacked-off hems… it’s a total failure. So the judges go bold and bounce two designers, Overbite and 50 Shades of Gray. I would have unloaded Blossom for sure, but it’s not like she’s going to last long anyway so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Next week: it’s a team challenge to create alternative wedding dresses, with Dita Von Teese as guest judge! Let the flimflam fly!

beautiful day

 

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“Listening Would Help.” 🍷 RHOC Season 9 Finale Recap

We had a wicked awesome storm on Monday night (summertime is storm time in Arizona, and we get really excited for a bigass thunderstorm!). Our power managed to stay on, but our cable did not, and thus I had to scramble and find a later broadcast of the season finale once Bravo was revived.

And what a finale it was: not. I’m tempted to post a .gif of Vic snoring. But I won’t because we’ve had enough of that this season, too.

Our Bali escapades over we have returned to the Golden State and find Tammy makin’ spaghettios in the kitchen for Eddie. ‘Cause she ain’t gonna eat that kinda carby stuff. And he is?

Anyway: Tammy tells Eddie that she’s “obsessing about Bali”. It seems that after the final dinner debacle Tammy hopped on another flight from the rest of the ladies, Lady Pump-style. However, unlike Lady Pump the fact that she did so did not become yet another attack point for this crew; it’s hard to tell if they even cared. Now Tammy is debating skipping Vic’s annual end-of-season party, as though she really has an option not to go. And like she’d miss it, either. She lives for this shiitake!

So Heather calls. Heather has not abandoned Team Tammy, and is perfectly resolved and satisfied as to the allegations that Tammy really doesn’t give a shit about her and only asked her to be a bridesmaid for television purposes because she “went to the source” and believes her “friend’s” assertions that it is all untrue. And also because she, too, is only friends with Tammy for television purposes and thus could not care less one way or another. Heather also understands that the point of this show in general and Tammy’s role in it specificially is to stir the pot, so she tells Tammy that on the cast flight home from Bali, Shannon was advising Vic to keep Tammy on the margins of her life. And we all know how possessive Tammy is of Vic!

Speaking of Vic, she’s at the Brown House racing around among the hired help arranging her Bali-themed end-of-season cast dinner in an Old Navy v-neck t-shirt and a very unfortunate pair of mom jeans. “We’ve got an hour till the bitches come!” she shrieks.

Lizzie, the giantess, is back at her own house teasing her wig into a suitably colossal arrangement to make her ample assets shrink by comparison as her sweet husband works on his wet look. I love Mr. Lizzie, really I do, I do not love his hockey hair. She does have one thing in common with Tammy – a hesitation about attending tonight’s affair – because she’s sure there will be no accountability for actions and a lot more meanness. See, she’s not just smart, she’s telepathic!

Heather and Dr. Terry are en route in their chauffeured SUV and Heather is trying to fire Dr. Terry up about Mr. Shannon’s mechanical bull “spread ‘em” comment. Dr. Terry is totally dismissive of Mr. Shannon, but that won’t last. Heather has decided Shannon is still her enemy because Shannon is trying to turn Vic against Tammy the same way Shannon was trying to turn Tammy against herself, Heather. Heather, Heather, Heather. A favor missed, really!

And so the arrivals begin. First on the scene is Donn2 who tries to get Vic out of her mom jeans for a pre-party quickie and fails. Vic tells him she’s upset with Tammy for not being on Team Donn2 but Donn2 is really unconcerned. He’s all about getting her out of the mom jeans and little else. (He loves those ladybits, you know. They are her best feature.) The Dubrows have to let themselves in while Vic changes into a Judy Jetson dress that has too many parts cut out and is hemmed distastefully short making her butt/thigh section into a horizontal rectangle, never good. Heather and Dr. Terry offer Vic compliments but she responds by saying she thinks she looks like a “vagina”. At least I think that’s what she said, and she kind of does, an albino one at least.

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Had it not been for that comment I would not have observed that Shannon looks a bit like labia, too. I love the pink and am okay with all the folds, so this is unfortunate timing. As soon as greetings are circulated Mr. Shannon immediately and sincerely apologizes for his crass “spread ‘em” comment to Heather when mounting the mechanical bull. We’re treated to a montage of the many crass comments made in relation to Heather and the mechanical bull, of which Eddie’s was equally crass if not worse, after which Heather and Dr. Terry dismiss the apology outright and rudely, giving Shannon and Mr. Shannon severe, ugly bad-smell looks instead. Sigh.

While cocktails are served, Shannon tells Donn2 about the “drama” in Bali, some of it over him, while Heather corners Vic and tells her not to second guess Tammy. Speak of the devil, here she is! Everyone is a lil’ freaked out. Maybe it’s the coal-black eyelids.

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Now that everyone has arrived, including Danielle who again has nothing to offer, Vic seats her guests and offers a toast to their “great time in Bali” which Tammy loudly interrupts with a sarcastic “oh, lovely!”. A discussion ensues about lingerie and cotton underpants before Donn2 excuses himself for the restroom and Tammy chases after. These two make up and again agree to agree that Vic’s happiness is all that matters. Whatever. It’ll break down again like a Yugo, mark my words.

Returning the table, Tammy inexplicably gifts them all with penis bottle openers and someone stupidly suggests they play a game. OH YES let’s play a game, like, hmmm, “Marry/Shag/Kill?” Oh, and now would be a great time, Tammy thinks, for Lizzie to apologize for her f-word comment related to the lasttime they played that stupid game! Lizzie exhales and offers an insincere apology for “whatever you think I said”, because she could not care less, as Dr. Terry confirms he did in fact hear the F word. Mr. Lizzie thinks none of this matters, but Tammy insists it does because Lizzie also said she wanted to F Eddie so she could “have Italian-Mexican babies” (Mexicalians!) and that really upset Tammy because as everyone knows she really wanted to have a real baby with Eddie and not have to engage in that bullshit with the robot. Mr. Lizzie rolls his eyes, as do I.

Next, Tammy decides to jump on Shannon about having talked to Vic on the plane about whether or not to stay friends with Tammy. Vic, the party in dispute, dismisses that anything Shannon had to say to her was anything significant or effective, but it’s Pile On Shannon (“POS”) Time so Heather jumps in to complain that Shannon was trying to turn Vic against Tammy the same way she tried to turn Tammy against Heather. SIGH.

Shannon takes a deep breath and calmly says she has apologized to Heather, that delicate flower, and asked for forgiveness for all the wrongs she may or may not have committed to harm or offend her. Heather continues to complain that Shannon is “pugilistic”. Shannon defends herself as having been backed into a corner by Tammy’s various acts and behaviors, causing Tammy to cry out “oh my God!” as though this is in any way untrue or resolved.

Which is when Dr. Terry goes bananas on Mr. Shannon about the “spread ‘em” comment. It’s been three months and they’ve seen each other multiple times in between, but dammit, Dr. Terry’s 80-year-old mother and four children’s collective ten virgin ears have been scarred! Mr. Shannon, Dr. Terry sneers, is nothing more than a “construction guy” and a “penis”. Also, a “douchebag”. Tammy snickers. Shannon, Mr. Shannon, and Mr. Lizzie are offended, so Dr. Terry follows it up with a snarl that Mr. Shannon’s very face is “sardonic and sarcastic”. Also, his wife is “pugilistic”. Heather offers to buy them a thesaurus for help defining these terms. Um, I think what you mean is a “dictionary”, Fancypants Smartass.

your face is SARDONIC! S-A-R-D-O-N-I-C!
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But then, a chorus of angels sing out and a light shines from the heavens on: Shannon. She has been changed by Bali. She will no longer scream. Also, she has gotten laid. She feels this is all behind, beyond, and beneath them. Heather meows about how “people still have scars”. Oh, shut up. Time for the slide show.

We’re done here with Shannon (who has learned family is most important and is downsizing and simplifying her life, and also sleeping with Mr. Shannon on a regular basis), Lizzie (who is going to “stay me” and have another baby, in a while), and Heather (who thinks they need to accept each other as they are, is going to be on another TV show, and is facing another year of construction on Chateau Dubrow). But the old bags need a little special attention, so let’s give it to them, shall we?

Ryan comes to see his mama, who is sitting at the kitchen counter fake crying while she looks at a small pile of papers in a file folder. See, Simon is being mean again and has taken her to court as an unfit parent. Ryan and his fiancee are moving “away” to some nonspecific non-OC destination, as evidenced by the mattresses strapped to the roof of his Yugo. Because where they are going, they don’t have mattresses. Also, Tammy is going to get that baby after all because she’s gonna be a GRANDMA! Hahahahahaha.

Speaking of grandmas, it’s time for Briana and family to finally hit the road for Oklahoma. It’s predictably a sobfest, with Vic wailing about how this Ryan is taking her family from her! She’s losing her best friend! Lady, suck it up. Off the Culbertsons go in their OKC-ready supercab pickup, Mercedes on flatbed tow behind. With that, Vic is off to sell insurance. And also the Brown House. She’s moving to the beach. More bikini shots to look forward to in Season 10! Whee!

“WAAAAAAAAH” (meanwhile look at that glee on Briana’s face. See ya, sucka!)
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So that is that. No doubt a three-part reunion to look forward to, yes? Until next week…

beautiful day

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“I Thought You Were Going To Propose There For a Second” 🍷 RHONY Season 6 Reunion Part 3 Recap

AND: we’re done. With a loud pfffftttt like the air going out of a balloon. I know three reunion episodes has become the norm but we really could have handled this in two, max. Normally I find the themes of each reunion episode can be spotted and organized but not so with this one. Mr. Andy is really scraping for content.

Item #1 is Radzi. She’s fun, she’s fabulous, she’s fifty years old.

Mr. Andy asks Aviva what the hell was the deal with her crack up in her pink attic about “at least I’m not 50!” Aviva insists she meant this as a compliment, because she actually thought Radzi was older, an assertion that makes no sense whatsoever. “She even makes a compliment into an insult!” Radzi observes. Mr. Andy next investigates the blossoming friendship between our two royals, Kountess Lu and Princess Radzi. Last season Radzi thought Carole was a one-upper and a fashion copyist; now they are fast friends with Lu even setting Radzi up on awkward blind dates. Ever eager to upset the apple cart, Aviva inserts herself into this happy-clappy moment and announces that Lu was pissed off at Carole and tried to dig up dirt on her – “I did, and I found something out, and I kept it to myself!” Lu chirps. “Oooh, tell me!” says Radzi.

Next, Mr. Andy turns to Holla the Mama Bear, and we revisit the cringeworthy moment at Kountess Lu’s barbecue when Holla kept trumpeting that Aviva “character assassinned” Radzi. Next we revisit the even more cringeworthy moment when Aviva asserts that she “took it up the butt” with Mama Holla. Back on set, there is an argument whether calling someone “motherfucker” is the same sort of dangerous labeling as calling someone an “alcoholic”. Clearly, when Holla called Aviva a “motherfucker” no one legitimately took that to believe that Aviva had, err, done that. Whereas So we still have questions about. There are so many options. Holla declares that Aviva was “climbing Carole’s back to get attention for her book”, to which Aviva responds that Holla’s “job was to be Carole’s bitch”. What’s wrong with that?

Lu tries to butt in here. “Kountess, Kountess, please,” Aviva rebuts, condescendingly. Isn’t she all up and opposed to condescension? Aviva, ever the lady, goes after Holla’s non-ladylike behavior, by crowing “you were not brought up, in the ghetto, girl! Holla!” followed by catchphrase #2: “This isn’t the hood, this is the Hamptons!” Clearly Aviva is looking for her own gif or t-shirt slogan and it isn’t catching on. Holla thinks Aviva is simply looking for a storyline, because ” all we ever talk about is your fucking leg!” BAM!

Mr. Andy wants to know why Mo felt it was so essential to get Holla and Aviva to make up when she couldn’t care less about making up with Kristen. Mo explains that she and Holla are “the roosters”, and the women listen to them, so if Holla pushes Aviva out it affects everyone whereas Kristen doesn’t matter. Except we all like Kristen better and want to see what she’s wearing, so it actually does. Mr. Andy next asks So how she can get over Aviva labeling her as a drunk, and am I wrong or is So a little cross-eyed? So announces triumphantly that it’s no problem for her because she’s so secure, and so busy all day long with real stuff, and because she’s a CHRISTIAN and knows about forgiveness. Loud hoots and chortles all around. Mr. Andy then asks Aviva what the hell she was thinking when she compared So to Anna Nicole Smith. Aviva insists she intended this too as a compliment, like “at least I’m not 50″. Because, you know, So also had the old man husband. “At least I am not 50 and a dead hot mess” = a compliment in Aviva’s World.

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Time to delve into the many personal troubles of the NY ‘Wives. Holla’s son Jax faces an uncertain future as a pediatric liver transplant patient, and they ended up doing a less invasive ear procedure which may not resolve his hearing loss, but Holla is an optimist and carries him along with her positive energy. It’s so effective, announces Mo, that Jax “doesn’t even realize he’s handicapped!” MEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!

Let’s drop that and pretend it didn’t happen. Kristen’s daughter is now walking. Avery was just being nasty to her painfully annoying mother because she was preparing to separate and leave the nest, not because she finds her mother painfully annoying. She sends Mo text photos now. I wonder if there are as many alcoholic drinks in those as there are on Avery Singer’s Instagram. (God, I dread the day my child gets on Instagram. At least I have only boys. Wait, maybe that will be worse. O Lord.) So says putting Millou’s remains to rest all over the sidewalks and innards of greater New York helped her “move forward”. How smelly that 18-year-old dog must have been.

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Mr. Andy asks Aviva about her visit to the barn which clearly released a few demons. Everyone agrees that they saw the “old Aviva” they knew and loved in that segment. So when Aviva released her inner demons and phobias, did she also let her inner nasty out of the box? Mo The Self-Proclaimed Voice Of Reason This Season turns to Aviva, takes her hands, and asks her whey she has this “vile side”. “She called me vile! She called me vile!” Aviva shouts, so Mo tries again and leaves the V word out. Aviva has no idea what she’s talking about. Mr. Andy’s wiggly eyebrows and contained giggles in the background are perfectly awesome.

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So speaking of people who are now on better terms, let’s talk SoMo for a bit. SoMo are giggling and fondling each other on the couch like two girls who think they are being cool kids for being so exclusive when really everyone cannot care less.

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Mo now feels it was wrong for her to talk about So’s problems with others, which is an apology So accepts. See, she keeps her private things private and pretends all is fairies and unicorns and if she believes it it will be REAL! Mr. Andy asks Kristen about her comment that SoMo is like her “crazy drunk aunts”. Kristen acknowledges this was a dig. Mo claims they are “contemporaries”. Oh, hahahaHA! Kristen points out that they are like crazy drunk aunts because they are (a) older, not contemporaries, (b) they are over in the corner giggling and picking nits out of each others’ hair while they speak their own language, and (c) inebriated, let’s face it. Mo announces that they want to be buried next to each other. Perhaps someone can dump their ashes into the Hudson River simultaneously, like Millou.

Finally, let’s talk about THE LEG. Mr. Andy shows this phenomenal moment again and everyone laughs hysterically. He asks whether Aviva came in intending to throw the leg and she claims she did not, which is totally bullshit and provokes even more laughter. Radzi points out that Aviva made great efforts to get everyone to sit down at the table together just so she could take it off and toss it. Lu announces she was grossed out by the dirty shoe on the table at Le Cirque. Kristen insists she totally forgot Aviva even had a fake leg, what with all the asthma fuss and whatnot, so it’s sudden arrival as a missile frightened her. Aviva explains that her attitude was “fuck this shit”, repeating it five or six times. LADY. She has been allowed to return to Le Cirque.

So what have we learned? Mo has learned she can’t expect people to act as she would want them to and has to accept that some people like KRISTEN hold a grudge rather than move on without a care after having glasses thrown in their face. Kristen has learned the art of communication. Holla, the importance of friends. So now knows that Lu is more sensitive than she realized. Lu had a lot of fun and likes her downgrade. Aviva has learned it’s important to support each other as women. And Radzi has learned that some people will have her back, others who you suspect will kick you, will, and that it’s not good to get her mad.

And so it ends. Will we see any of these ridiculous women again? With the end of every season I foresee a major cast change, and this year the “rumors” (Mo, ahem) are claiming they are all out except MO, the queen bee in her own mind, and maybe Aviva for guest appearances. RIGHT. If that’s true then I bet they all come back. This franchise is in need of Tru Renewal, that’s for sure.

beautiful day

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