The Unfortunate Misadventures of Amsterboy 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 18 Recap

One more episode to tie it all up with a bow, or a bondage strap and a nipple tassel depending on how The Glands’ shopping turned out in Amsterdam. Meh. Having done the porn shopping our ladies meet up in a Dutch flower market, because, you know, Holland = Tulips. This is where we find out that last night, in the Red Light District, The Glands got picked up by Max Pump’s childhood friend, and then went home and did the horizontal lambada. Max Pump is, what, 20? At best? And dear friends with Horshack? Yick. The Glands’ judgment in men about equals her taste in fashion, today on display in a vest made of Snuffleupagus and a pair of Mrs. Roper’s sunglasses. Yes, she packed that shit. Checked the bag and paid $50 to get it to Europe. She doesn’t just own it, she’s paying extra to take it out in public.

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So having gotten laid The Glands is in a far cheerier mood than we’ve seen her thus far, and she thinks she’s going to get back in Lady Pump’s good graces by giving her a handful of daisies and giggling “sorry!” in a flippant sort of way. Lady Pump is not having it; she may not have been slapped hard, but she was slapped all the same, and it’s never appropriate. She thinks The Glands needs to think before she does things. Yes, yes! The Glands thinks it was a joke that went to far, and Lady Pump has taken jokes too far with her many times, too. No, no! This is not unlike the situation on this past Wednesday’s Survivor where the fat Blue Collar guy with the pubey beard tried to “apologize” to the girl barrel racer with the weird growth on her neck by saying he was sorry for being an asshole but it was really her fault. And, no.

 

The Glands gives up and slinks off with her fistful of weeds, leaving Lady Pump with Yo, who tells her she tried really hard to talk to The Glands about her behavioral issues, “in the sweetest way”. Why are you doing it the “sweet way”, Lady Pump demands to know. Yo acknowledges that The Glands can be an asshole. “She’s your asshole, not mine,” declares Lady Pump. Yo does not want this bony asshole either.

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Back at the hotel, it’s teatime, and Lady Pump calls Mr. Lisa at home in LA to tell him what a nasty old broad The Glands is being, and he is pissed. Never a good idea to piss off Mr. Lisa at the close of the season, Glandsy. Buckle up. Meanwhile, Yo swings by The Glands’ room to give her a reprimand, dressed in her most Dutch dominatrix ensemble. The Glands is wearing a pink polka dot nightie thing from JC Penney while she spackles herself. Yo tells The Glands that at this point everyone hates her and apologizing isn’t going to cut it anymore, so The Glands says fine, I hate you old dried up menobags anyway, I’m going out to dinner with Amsterboy! So there! Off she giraffes in her Snuffey vest over a dirty-looking negligee to get overserved, drool in Amsterboy’s lap, and play hide the rookwurst. She’s so having the best time, guys, just check out her Instagram.

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Having unloaded The Glands on a play date that she thinks was her own idea, the mature women of RHOBH don their capes and assemble canalside for an elegant al fresco dinner. Lady Pump is slightly horrified that The Glands is giving the clogs to the child her Maxie went to nursery with, but on the other hand The Glands “can hump 22-year-olds” all she wants if it means Lady Pump doesn’t have to have dinner with her. Max is going to have a fit, she predicts. If this is going to tweak the unflappable MAX then you know banging The Glands has truly and irredeemingly foul implications.

So without the vilest of their companions, Kimmy is left to sit very, very quietly while the other ladies enjoy their last night in Amsterdam. Yo regales them with the story of how her ex boyfriend Julio Iglesias introduced her to this very restaurant some thirty years ago. To all the girls he’s loved before! Lady Pump somehow turns the talk to the live sex show she saw in Mexico some many years ago, involving donkeys and everything! Yo’s brother tells them he knows a great place they can go after dinner where the ladies get bananas up their cabooses and even smoke cigars rectally. Must we? Yo rises, thanks them all for coming, and cheers them all, even including the fallen and absent Glands. Ching ching!

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Back to LA, where life has been carrying on as usual. The Glands and Yo meet up at a “medispa” where Yo gets an IV vitamin infusion and Yo is getting 14-karat GOLD painted on her face. I think she needs a thick coat of hydrogen peroxide, myself, but that’s me. Yo tries to give The Glands her latest effort at a stern mommy lecture, but The Glands waves her off that she’s in crisis; Guy “Daddy” Glands is in the hospital experiencing some health issues related to his faulty heart valves, and as he’s still not talking to The Glands because she is embarrassing she’s left to get a ridiculous facial and meow about it rather than do something actually useful. So she gets all weepy on the facial table and the aesthetician has to wait until it’s over. The Glands is sad about dad, and whiny about the fact that “everyone else can do what they want” and she can’t. Yo tells her she can speak freely as long as she doesn’t “go below the belt”, which we all know means shut it. Yo still claims she believes Yo has a good heart, and thinks she fears rejection which is why she acts like an asshole. Yo, on the other hand, “comes from the heart”, so that’s why she gets to wear white capris and float around playing the harp.

Meanwhile, for reasons totally unexplained, Kimmy pays a visit to Yo Adrienne Maloof, who is preparing a public venue for some sort of mysterious event to promote some menthol-cigarette-flavored malt liquor or something. Kim thinks Adrienne is so incredibly easy to talk to; I think Adrienne is so incredibly boring. Kim tells Adrienne how she’s so mad at Kyle because after Kim got nasty and provoked Lipsey on Night 1 in Amsterdam, Kyle ran out the door in the vague direction of Lipsey, and general escape, rather than cling to her sister’s pantleg. Adrienne hems and hums and generally expresses pity. Meh.

Kyle, meanwhile, is lunching on kale with Lipsey and sharing their bliss at being back in LA where dogs wear clothes and ride in thousand dollar strollers, as they ought. Kyle shares that she and Kim are in another one of the many stretches they have experienced over their shared 40+ years in which they are not speaking; she intends to remedy this by inviting Kim to come to “the desert” alone where they can have it out. O dear. We all remember the first big Richards Sisters meltdown over “the desert”, don’t we? Before they go, Lipsey makes sure to tell Kyle that The Glands is running around LA telling everyone and everything that she, too, is concerned about her dear friend Kimmy’s sobriety, and even went so far as to suggest she needed an intervention. Well, actually it was a little more of a suggestion that everyone needed an intervention, but that part got sort of left out by Lipsey. Oh here comes.

Kyle gallivants off in her Maserati to Palm Springs to prepare her new, fabulous, palatial, very beige desert home for Kim’s arrival. She has worn her most orange caftan in order that she and her brown house can go totally INVISIBLE when the desert sun passes the horizon. On the way up or down, either way! Kim’s gonna freak!

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Back in LA, Lady Pump presides over her first big fat gay wedding at PUMP. Dominic and Magno are our grooms, and I have to question whether this is the first time they have met.

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Enough of that: Kyle swans around her super-fancy, totally devoid of personality desert upgrade lighting every smelly candle she could find at the area Kirkland’s and preparing to show her poor-relation sister just how much she’s upgraded her living arrangements from the inherited shithouse she stole from Kim just four seasons back. Kyle’s version of that oft- and yet never-satisfactorily-told story is that when Mama Richards died she left the house to all three girls. Kathy and Kim, per Kyle, wanted to be bought out because they already had homes in Palm Desert, so she and Mauricio obliged. (The whole issue of whether Kim’s childhood acting income actually bought the house for Mama Richards in the first place is left unaddressed.)

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Kim arrives in her chaufferred “MUSIC 08″ Suburban and questions why she has been brought here and cornered alone. Kyle greets her, shows her around, and tells her to put on her own caftan so they can lounge in the fourth living room. Water is poured. Here goes.

Kim is infuriated with Lipsey for conducting an investigation into her sobriety efforts which are none of her business. Kyle thinks it’s perfectly Lipsey’s business because she was at Eileen’s house where Kim had been popping pills, the logic of which I think means that everyone there for the poker party is now endowed with subpoena power. Kim starts meowing about how The Glands defended her, so Kyle pipes up with the news that after defending her The Glands started giraffing around LA on a campaign to launch Kim’s intervention.

And that’s when the wheels come off. Kim starts screaming about how Kyle stole her house and then sold it and didn’t give her a chance to even enter it one last time because Kyle put it in a “short escrow”, a claim Kyle swiftly shoots down by pointing out that Kim had enough time to ask that Kyle give the listing to Kim’s own daughter. So this now somehow rounds back to whether or not Kim was voluntarily bought out of the Stolen House, assertions that Kim was “not in a position to share a mortgage” at the time, and screams of “LYING!” Kyle wraps it up by telling Kim that The Glands is going to break her heart, they finish burning dinner, hug it out, and by sheer luck neither gets their curtain of hair caught on fire.

Next time, on the season FINALE: Nicky Hilton emerges from irrelevance to have a book signing at Kyle’s Caftan Palace; Lipsey backtracks on whether The Glands wanted to stage an intervenion; The Glands storms off; and Yo Adrienne pops out of a Happy Meal box or some such at her Big Fat Thing.

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“I, I, I…” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Reunion Part 2 Recap

A pfffft to the finish for Pump Rules; with all reunions I usually find that we could easily cover the material in one less part. If it’s a two-part reunion we only need one, if it’s a three-parter we’re usually about done after part deux. And last night was no exception.

We pick up where we left off with the discussion of Lady Hitler’s abandonment of henchman K2. K2 points out that she actually felt cut off from LH before Miami even happened so its not all because she went on Scheana’s bachelorette party; in fact, after the 2s went to their first couples therapy session Lady Hitler didn’t even ask how it went, so that sealed the deal on her decision to tag along. “You are thinking of it so black and white!” Lady Hitler despairs, causing EVERYONE to throw up their hands and roll their eyes, for there is no room for grey in the eyes of Lady Hitler.

It seems Lady Hitler was at least partly irked because it got back to her that K2 made some unflattering comments about Lady Hitler’s relationship with Snuffleupagus. K2 freely admits that she has had serious concerns about the way Lady Hitler has abandoned all pretense of independence for a life as a “kept woman” with Snuffy, and that she, K2, is entitled to her opinions about it whether Lady Hitler wants to hear them or not, especially considering how free LH is with her own on everyone and everything. “I, I, I….” stammers Lady Hitler, which immediately earns her the pile-on by T1. It’s always all about Stassi! So the subject shifts to her various unflattering remarks. “You know me,” she cries plaintively, just ninety seconds after claiming none of these people know her, insisting her comments are really funny jokes, you guys, especially that one about T1 being “half weasel, half vagina”. That’s some image.

Anyway: how did she feel about having to sit with Scheana at the club when she lost the bet? Like a loser. How does she feel about Jax’s weird Day of the Dead tattoo homage to a “hybrid Stassi and Carmen”? Weird. As does everyone else, to be fair. How does she feel about Lady Pump not being on Team Stassi? Well, Lady Pump doesn’t understand her, and is also an “old lady”. Lady Pump’s elephant eyelashes narrow.

Moving on: Jax acknowledges he was overly invested in trying to pry the 2s apart and that his meddling was a mistake. Scheana acknowledges that no one could or would “motorboat a dick”, least of all K2. Lady Pump praises K2 for how nicely she’s grown up this season, and T1 offers her a slow clap for being “most improved”.

On the other hand, K1 has regressed into infantile idiocy; even her sort-of-friend Lady Hitler tried to shut it down when the Miami thing got obsessive. Mr. Andy asks her to set the record straight on how exactly That Miami Girl ended up in LA and K1 explains that (a) she initiated contact with her on Instagram (I Instagram so infrequently I didn’t even know this was a feature); (b) The Miami Girl came to LA to visit her dad at her own expense; and (c) K1 didn’t have control of the timing, odd as it was coming on the heels of what seemed like a peacemaking come-to-Jesus with the weepy T1 in Miami. Just, whatever. She’s over it now. And so is Horshack, who didn’t like her unhealthy obsession, but was willing to live with the crazy, because they are so in love. Dumbass.

T1 and Ariana point out that none of the various accounts and details made sense, whereas T1’s explanation of events was the only version that did. Horshack insists that The Miami Girl’s description of T1’s wanger was a smoking gun of course, but K2 dismisses that entirely on the grounds that a wanger looks like a wanger, and the suggestion that T1’s “takes a hard right or something” is a little bit absurd (and also, perhaps means The Miami Girl is confusing T1 with Bill Clinton because as I recall from my young adulthood in the 90’s a similar claim was made of the presidential penis by one or the other of the brazen hussies he tried to hump). K1 now acknowledges that she deserved to be fired after the disrespectful scene she made at SUR. T1 claims Horshack learned all the bedroom tricks he now uses on K1 from him, which is (a) gross, and (b) best left unexplained further.

Mr. Andy shifts the subject to Scheana’s Big Fat Tacky Wedding. Scheana defends her crop top wedding dress and says there are like four people on Pinterest planning to copy it. Lady Hitler does not want to take back her rude comments about it, and T1 points out that the difference between Lady Hitler and others is that she has “no heart behind” what she says, just a big black hole.

All of a sudden everyone is talking at once and the only interesting part of this whole reunion comes out: it appears that Stassi once made a video of herself masturbating and sent it to “a boyfriend”, who shared it with Scheana, who told people about it and, per Stassi, was going to take it to TMZ. And now all this time Stassi has been so busy being mad and bitchy about this unspoken crisis without actually looking like she had any reason to be when she really, really did so that’s why she’s not friends with Scheana and never will be.

So on the one hand that explains a lot of things (why she was so mad at Scheana, why she considered K2 befriending her even a little something of a betrayal), and when I first heard about this had me speculating whether the boyfriend in question was Jax and that’s the source of the horrible things she has to live through daily that she keeps hinting at. But now Lady Pump is tweeting about how everyone (all the cast Stassi hates so much as not her friends) made a pact not to speak of the tape all season, how Lady Pump (who Stassi dismisses out of hand) paid the boyfriend off herself to make it go away – and how no one intended to bring it up at the reunion until Stassi did herself (possibly thinking the reference to it would be edited out). So given all that, I now think Stassi is even a bigger asshole than I gave her credit for (and a moron, too). Also, I am still wondering whether Jax gave Stassi The Unscratchable Itch.

Mr. Andy changes topics to K1 and Horshack’s fight in the parking lot. No, no! We are not interested! But wait; what is wrong with K1’s face? It’s droopy on the one side, like uneven Botox or something. Also, does she have gray roots? Blech. Then he asks Jax about his varying accounts about whether or not T1 Had Sexual Relations With That Miami Girl and he finally acknowledges, once and for all, that he was not there, that he was at CVS buying beer, that he would not know either way, and that he repeated what the girl told him as fact that he knew firsthand, which it was not. K1 pipes up that maybe, just maybe, she isn’t the root of the problem. Oh you are still the root, girl!

Also: when are the 2s getting engaged? Not yet, even as at the time of taping T2 was just one week away from the six-month deadline imposed by K2. I’m just glad he didn’t propose at the reunion because that would have been horrible.

Finally: is Lady Hitler really leaving SUR for good? She says yes, and that she’s really excited to walk out of this reunion. Ariana thanks her for telling K1 to shut it on the subject of the Miami Girl. Stassi and K2 will not be friends again; Stassi wails that K2 “changed the rules”, and of course no one changes the rules except Stassi. Lady Pump is done with her, too, and of course so is Scheana. Stassi intends to move on to a podcast, like The Glands, which sounds so Napster-era to me. Here comes irrelevance! Lady Pump praises everyone but K1 and Stassi for growing and showing, and they all drink sangria. Cheers, bitches! The End.

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Dutch Oven 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 17 Recap

Since I usually watch RHOBH on the DVR I can’t say I have ever really watched the intro. Does Eileen look a bit like Charo here to anyone besides me?

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It’s morning after the Space Cake Incident and all the ladies have seen their glam squads and are ready for the day. All except Yo, who has taken to her bed (you know, the Lyme Disease). Kyle is very upset that Yo is unwell and it seems more than a little out of self-pity than Yo-pity, does it not? Yo tells Kyle to go forth and deal with her sister Kim, who is “God’s gift” and/or burden to her whether she likes it or not. Kyle does not like this advice. Meanwhile, the Lisas have come down to find Kim and The Glands at breakfast and decided to accept their invitation to go shopping. Wha?

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Eileen arrives wearing a leopard top, a pleather vest with fur collar, and carrying a befringed purse, and cannot believe this. Especially from Lipsey, because even thought they managed a courteous bicycle ride the previous day nothing, as far as anyone else is concerned, was really settled after Kim’s explosion and the wine-throwing incident. So Eileen says no thanks and waits for Kyle and they go to a museum instead, because they are all high-culture and like to talk about the artwork’s representations of male genitalia and stuff like that. The shoppers buy nipple tassels and assless panties and test out vibrators and get along swell. Eileen is at a loss; she does not know what to do. Lipsey is somehow sorted out and she’s still in a fight with Kim? Kyle waves her hand in the air vaguely. This isn’t her first rodeo.

After shopping and culture the Days vets reunite in the bar for a glass of wine before their night’s activities. Eileen is wearing a stretch lace unitard from her 1980’s Kristen wardrobe, and I really have to wonder about her. Does she shop at the Malibu Country Store in her pegged Z. Cavaricci jeans?

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Eileen demands to know how Lipsey is all sorted out with Kim and she’s still hanging; Lipsey offers a weak admission that she and Kim hung out that day and it was cool, so maybe Eileen needs to start her own fight with Kim so they can have it out and get cool and hang themselves? Eileen is appalled. She wants Lipsey to come to her defense with Kim, but Lipsey is scared of her and just trying to stay out of the shithole.

Their night’s excursion involves dinner on a barge on a canal. I bet it smells fantastic. Yo has rallied and is in her best white Foodsavers ensemble; Kyle’s is red and is Leger. Kyle’s nose is way, way out of joint having everyone act cool with each other, including Lady Pump, and she is so not fine. Lady Pump feels they are all just going for that English “stiff upper lip”, but Kyle is not English. She can’t even sit at the damn table with these bitches. (Actually, I am not entirely sure she can sit at all in that dress as she barely made it on the barge in the first place.)

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The Glands shoots eye daggers at her before starting a reconciliation talk with the Shoppers by acknowledging that she has “been a dick”. “Congratulations for owning it – you’re an asshole!” thinks Eileen, and me. The Glands launches into Eileen for calling her an alcoholic, and Eileen corrects her, correctly, that she didn’t call The Glands an alcoholic, she said she’s “mean when she drinks”, which she is, and The Glands has said so herself, even if she now claims no one has said that to her before. Bullshit! Quick, The Glands deflects: let’s all be nice because this is Yo’s Dinner Cruise and she doesn’t feel good.

Now Kim piles on and starts accusing Eileen of saying bad things about The Glands and also about her; who is EILEEN to remark upon her pill popping at the poker game? Well, she made a damn huge scene at EILEEN’s house, which EILEEN’s husband practically popped popcorn to watch from his viewing perch in the garage, so I think she’s the hostess of a fiasco who has perfect right to comment on it. “Where do you decide to look the other way?” Eileen wants to know. “Sue me for giving a damn.” Kim and The Glands continue to squabble about all the ways that Eileen has uttered “life damaging” remarks about them while Eileen rolls her eyes and says she’s sorry they are confusing her concern with personal attack. Yo’s had enough and tells Kim and The Glands to “absorb” the apology, drop it, and move on. That shuts them up.

The Glands decides to kick off The Reconciled Hour by gaily labeling Eileen a “homewrecker”. Yeah, that’s not “life damaging” in the least, nor, per Eileen, is it remotely accurate. Kim thinks Eileen needs to lighten up. The Glands launches back into the “angry drunk” issue and Yo throws up her hands and leaves altogether, heading off to start dinner, alone, but quickly joined by Lady Pump, then Eileen, and Lipsey, leaving the Richards Sisters and The Glands to duke it out over how The Glands has invaded the sisterly sphere. Kyle is so mad she can’t fight well; The Glands is shrill and become a slapper; and Kim is all weepy about how hard it is being ignored by her sister and her friends. Dinner, however, “is good!”. “It’s a Dutch Oven,” Yo helpfully explains to Lady Pump.

Finally the rest of the ladies come to the table and The Glands’ bra is hanging out.

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Yo really doesn’t know what to do with The Glands. She tried a cleanse, it failed, she’s tried lectures, they failed; now she’s resigned to the fact that The Glands needs all new friends, elsewhere. YES SHE DOES! Paging Mr. Andy!

The Glands now suggests, in her saccharin way, that they go around the table saying nice things about each other. O lord. Someone needs to talk to her about her nails; there is nothing nice about those.

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Everyone is a wonderful mother, everyone is a strong person, Lipsey “loves” Kim, and The Glands compliments everyone’s physical assets (for Kyle, her hair. Of course.) When everyone else has gotten their ego stroked The Glands leaves the table, because she “just doesn’t want to be part of it”. Lady Pump thinks The Glands doesn’t love herself enough to accept compliments. The Glands insists she just doesn’t want to to listen to “old ladies make stuff up about her”, which sounds about right to me. This is where we find out that The Glands came out for the evening in a flasher coat, no pants.

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So that’s the end of that, except: when they are getting off the barge, for whatever dumbass Glandsy reason she decides to get into some one-on-one encounter with Lady Pump about how she’s “Julie from the Love Boat” which ends up with The Glands slapping her. Slapping Lady Pump! Oh noooooooo. It didn’t look like a hard slap, but it was a slap nonetheless and in no way appropriate. Lady Pump sighs and says that The Glands “always goes too far” with her. WORD.

Finally, a new day, and Kyle and Lady Pump teeter up a set of steep, steeeeep stairs to eat pancakes while Yo and The Glands stay on a ground floor cafe, and they all discuss The Slap. Yo is appalled and tells The Glands that she needs to learn “boundaries”. Everytime she takes a step forward she takes two back. Kyle thinks The Glands is mean and “makes up stories”. Lady Pump is “over it”. AREN’T WE ALL?

Next time: The Glands does her sugary thing trying to make nice, then meets a clueless dude. Kim has a meeting with Adrienne (?) of all people, and The Richards Sisters duke it out some more. I am tired of Amsterdam.

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“Don’t ‘Dude’ Me” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Reunion Part 1 Recap

My apologies if you feel I abandoned you last week. Something had to go, and frankly, final episodes of any Bravo season are easily dismissed. Well, maybe except the one where Tammy Barney threw the glass of wine in Jeana Keough’s face, making Jeana’s pocket gay yap like a Chihuahua. But generally, any SUR “photo shoot” is essentially a throwaway. I am inclined to suspect that the SUR staff’s Pump Rules contracts all offer this gratuitous display of “hotness” to compensate for the paltry sums of recompense for publicly surrendering their dignity, and our servers sign on the dotted line claiming this is going to boost their side “careers” whereas in truth they not-so-secretly crave the attention and adulation that goes along with appearing nearly naked on television for a full one hour. That’s my theory, at least. I didn’t watch.

So it’s time to reunite and feel so good about it, and was it just me or was this one of the more fractured reunion conversations Mr. Andy has ever hosted? Usually he at least attempts to group his questions/discussion topics into some form of focus between commercial breaks, but we were all over the damn place last night. Which maybe stands to reason given the material.

OK, so anyway, we’re getting together at SUR and everyone looks… not awesome. Outfits are predictably questionable, some uninspired (Scheana’s labia-toned plunging sequin thing, K1’s ugly Dress Barn find), and some downright misses (what is that black thing on Ariana’s upper arms? Who dressed K2 in the ill-fitting peuce piano recital frock?). And then of course there are the men, doing their usual thing; Horshack is about to show us his third nipple. But the worst part is the lighting. Oh my word. The shine… the pores… the texture. These kids need Barbara Walter’s furry filter to diffuse this situation. Only Mr. Andy looks well, of course. (It’s hard to see what the light is doing to Lady Pump under all that hair.)

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Mr. Andy starts off launching one to Jax about how long it’s been since he last had a conversation with Lady Hitler, which Jax bats back with a lie that he hasn’t talked to her in at least two years, immediately taken down by K1 (she heard they had lunch with Carmen), Lady Pump (she heard they talked on the phone before filming started), and T1 (he heard they got married last week). I couldn’t care less because I need to know what has happened to Jax’s face. His jaw has gone beyond puffy into John McCain misshapen-and-uneven territory.

No one mentions this; we just have a short meow about how everyone can still be friends with Jax while his erstwhile fuckmate K1 is a pariah. T1 thinks Jax is forgivable because he does this stuff because he’s just dumb, insecure, and acts according to basic instincts. Horshack thinks whether or not screwing around with people can’t be helped “depends on how hot you are” and everyone is confused by this statement, no one more than me, although the one person apparently not confused is K1 who really should be because it sounds to me like she’s not forgiveable because she’s not hot. Which she is not. Jax whines about how his breakup with Lady Hitler was so, so hard that he accidentally stuck his thing in it, twice.

Moving on to, of course, The Miami Girl. Mr. Andy wants to go back to episode 1 and how Ariana felt hearing this rumor from Scheana before her birthday party. Ariana rolls her eyes and details how she knew aaaaaaalll about it before that, how she’d seen the lame smoking gun texts, and how she found T1’s side of the story perfectly believable because no one else made a bit of sense. It may not be impossible, but in Ariana’s viewpoint it’s always POSSIBLE someone is doing something and having “proof” that makes no sense is only marginally more reason to get all worked up than having no proof whatsoever. Plus, that chick’s not hot. T1 makes the solid point that her motivation to “clear her name” makes no sense at all seeing as she’s the one who sold her story to the tabloids in the first place. In other words, “clearing her name” keeps her in play longer (and also gets her a little Bravo time. I hope she had a fried goat cheese ball while she was at SUR.) T2 backs up his boy, saying he was there all night and it didn’t happen. Can we be done with this?

Boring discussion of Jax’s nose before-and-after, car selfies, Carmen, Amal Clooney, San Diego, Miami (the bachelor/ette party, that is). Blehhhhhh.

Moving on to Jax’s blabbing and K1’s ceaseless cage-rattling about whether or not T1 hooked up with Ariana while they were together. T1 says that Jax throwing him under the bus about The Miami Girl and whether he ever hooked up with Ariana before is totally meaningless because everyone knows Jax will make shit up in retaliation when he feels backed into a corner. Jax acknowledges this is totally, totally true. K1 announces that she no longer cares at this point, except she really cares that T1 stayed over at Ariana’s the night she and T1 broke up “according to your phone”, which T1 claims was entirely innocuous as they were (a) best friends, (b) Ariana was grieving the death of her father, and (c) he needed to stay the hell out of the apartment and go somewhere. Sounds like a good enough explanation to me.

Next, we segue through Jax’s mysterious relationship with John the Gay Guy (yes, they kissed, but that’s all it was and Jax kisses all his gay male friends on the lips) and the 1’s embarrassingly emotive come-to-Jesus on the patio in Miami (Horshack claims all is behind his girlfriend and she is head-over-hells in love with him now; right, K1?) K1 shrinks further into her oversized neck:

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She’s looking more and more like a turtle with every episode) into the subject of Lady Hitler and how mean she was to K2. T2 thinks she should be mortified by how she treated he supposed best friend, and Jax offers that Lady Hitler has had a “crazy three years” and that he’d always be there for her (suggesting she should do the same for others because, come on, he’s JAX and his max capacity should at least exceed the normally-expected bare-minimum of human decency). So let’s bring her in, shall we?

After a big swig of booze backstage Lady Hitler swans in wearing a black and white picnic tablecloth as a dress, giant peplum and all.

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This is the woman who scorned the crop top wedding dress, may I remind us all. First, Mr. Andy wants to know why Lady Hitler was so damn hysterical about the prospect of actually laying eyes on Jax; she claims she doesn’t want to be “Stassi n’ Jax” anymore, plus also there’s the matter that he’s a big fat liar and bound to say just about anything. Which, mind you, he could do with or without an actual personal encounter, and if said encounter took place on film, well, then there’s evidence.

Why hasn’t her Snuffleupagus Boyfriend Manly Man Patrick been introduced yet? Well, it’s “not his scene”. Jax, for his part, thinks Patrick has to be enormously insecure, because Lady Hitler dropped talking to him immediately once Patrick freaked out about it. T1 pipes up that he’s heard a rumor that Patrick has threatened to break up with Lady Hitler if he finds her even in a room with her ex. Isn’t she in one now?? Jax claims he’s emailed her and gotten no response; Lady H says she’s blocked his emails. T1 thinks that’s interesting because prior to that Lady H had called Jax crying and needing to borrow money, so it’s all a matter of convenience, isn’t it?

This is when K1 pipes up in Lady H’s defense and it becomes clear that they are friends again; Lady H mewls that it’s only because K1 is the only person who will talk to her. They both start plaintively whining about everything Lady H “goes through” every day and how no one understaaaaaands how hard it is! No one reached out to her! Even though she has them all blocked on email, social media, and her iPhone. How hard is it to make crappy necklaces and bitch about people all day? What is she going through? Am I the only person who suspects Jax gave her some really nasty venereal disease?

T2 and Scheana could not care less what her problems are. T2 is sick of Lady H’s “superiority complex”, and Scheana thinks she’s incapable of caring about anyone else or being nice about anything that doesn’t center around herself. Lady H insists she will always love K2, but it looks like that’s a one-way street; K2 attacks. Cutting her off with an audible snip was so extreme; Lady H treats people like disposable things. She is the most selfish person K2 has ever met in her life, and K2 did nothing wrong to her. SHAZAM!

Next time, more crap about Lady Hitler, who really was so irrelevant this season I don’t know why we’re still talking about her. And why did Jax now tattoo her FACE on his arm? And will T2 give K2 a real ring that’s not from Claire’s? Till then…

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Amsterdammitall! 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 16 Recap

I’m BACK! No, I did not fall in a hole, but things have been wild and crazy at the Rancho with a week of winter getaway in the middle. And while I was offline, all I missed was increasing bitter aggression from Kim Richards, it sounds like, and now we’re in Amsterdam geared up for more.

So I finally got to sit down long enough to watch this week’s episode, and you think I am kidding but I am not. The ladies disembark their fat bus at the Hotel De L’Europe which could possibly be the hostel I stayed at some 20+ years ago significantly renovated (no more bunk beds; hot water).

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I missed last week but I can only conclude we’re in the land of tulips and wooden clogs because of Yo’s Sick Momma. It also appears that Lady Pump and Eileen have met this crew across the pond while Lipsey Rinna had to hang tight and hold on for dear life while strapped into a flying aluminum thermos along with Kim and The Glands. She seems seriously worse for wear upon arrival and it can’t just be the jetlag. Relieved to see her best girls, the Lisas and Eileen have a drink in the lounge so Lipsey can unload about Kim’s “addict behavior” and the angry way she attacked Lipsey en route. I know I missed something, but I don’t care. Lady Pump gets the check billed to her room so Bravo can pay it.

Time for din-din, and everyone gathers up downstairs, all in black, black, black. Kyle is not just in black, she’s in a Batgirl costume, while Kim shows up in what appears to be a black vinyl straitjacket. And off they go, traipsing through the Red Light district. Kyle wants to know if everyone needs to offer their services as a prostitute in Holland; Yo says no, but that she’d do it to pay the bills for her kids. Isn’t that sweet?

They arrive and assemble in the empty early-bird dining room, with Yo taking the head of the table and declaring to all, “let’s share”. She wants to “share” about their struggles, their shared humanity, and offers up that #2 got a DUI recently. As if they don’t all read TMZ! Lady Pump makes some clucking sounds about the ups and downs of motherhood. Lipsey chirps up that her sister died of a drug and alcohol overdose when Lipsey was a mere 6 years old (the sister was 21, it should be noted), which left her scarred with anxiety, and now with Husband Harry’s brothers dying of the drink she is just overly wrapped up in these concerns which she projected onto Kim and for that she is truly, truly sorry. It is a genuine apology. It reflects an uncharacteristic level of self-awareness for a BH Housewife. And Kim is having none of it.

Rolling her eyes, Kim again snaps at Lipsey for getting overly involved in her business and for actually caring. She’s been sober for three years, dammit! Well, except that episode a few weeks ago where she popped a pill and started waving dildos around at Eileen’s house. (So glad spellcheck knows how to correct the plural of ‘dildo'; I was spelling it like ‘potatoes’. So very W of me.) Yeah, Kim’s SOBER, dammit! Her real friends and family know it, and while Lipsey’s all worried about Kim, Kim’s actually worried about what’s going on at Lipsey’s house, she drops silkily. Lipsey’s eyes go wide. Eileen has had enough and steps in, causing Kim to shout “I’ve had enough of you – you beast!” “How DARE you,” Eileen retorts, in full YATR mode. She didn’t earn that Emmy for nothing.

But oh no, Kim dares, and she keeps on rolling that there’s nothing to like about Eileen; not her face, not her hair, and not her meddling. Kyle pipes up to try to shut Kim down for indefensible behavior, and Kim snarls at her that her real sister, Kathy, would have her back. I am going to presume Kathy indeed would which explains how all Kathy’s children have turned out the way they have. So Lipsey unwisely pipes up for Kyle that Kim is now treating everyone badly and it has to stop. “Have a piece of bread,” Kim snaps, before unloading the mother of all bombs about Husband Harry: “Let’s not talk about what you don’t want to have out!”

And with that Lipsey goes berserk.

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Wine is thrown, glasses shatter, Kyle runs screaming into the street, cape trailing in her wake. Her girls follow while The Glands stays inside, shocked, but not shocked enough to leave. Kim continues to hiss and bubble that she knows secrets about Husband Harry. And if Lipsey wants to “harm” Kim’s children by vocalizing concern about her narcotic-popping, vape-sucking, nonsense-spewing behavior and thus cast doubt on Kim’s THREE YEAR epic sobriety, then goddamit, Kim’s gonna take that bitch DOWN!

Yo returns to the interior section to pointlessly attempt to reason with Kim. “This is no way to communicate,” she informs her, disapprovingly. Kim doesn’t want to discuss it any. More. Kyle and her best girls take off and go back to the hotel to figure out what the hell that was all about. Eileen feels sorry for Kyle and thinks Kim demeans her; Kyle agrees. Lipsey thinks Kim is abusive; Kyle agrees. Lady Pump thinks it’s weird how Kim and The Glands, two abusive, nasty bitches, found each other. Girl, it’s called casting; they found you the same way. The Daysgirls ponder leaving the country but Kyle insists they stay and protect her. Well, okay. So now that that’s over, Yo’s all excited to go visit her mama and take these bitches along for the ride!

Morning has broken, and Lipsey gazes pensively out her balcony window like a finalist on The Bachelor. Just then, a knock on the door: who is it? It’s KIM! Oh dear Lord. She’s come to sort of make peace, without completely apologizing, but by expressing the Housewife Dispute Refrain (“You should have come to me first”). Lipsey accepts this as fair enough, but points out that going after Husband Harry was low. Kim asserts that she had to do so to make Lipsey back off, and Lipsey, unbelievably, allows that so they can both move on. Christ.

So it’s off to ride bicycles among the wind-meals, you guys! Yo sweeps them all up in the morning and herds them onto another fat bus to the countryside of her yoot, where they mount too-large bikes sans helmets and pedal away. It’s a glorious day among the wind-meals and Yo posits buying one before they randomly encounter some pube-bearded old wind-meal proprietor who claims he hooked up with Yo back in the day. Yo does not have any recollection of this – you know, the Lyme’s disease!

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Finally they arrive at the apartment of Yo Mama who is being tended to by beloved brother Leo. They all have a nice cup of tea and goo over Gigi’s modeling shots. (None of #2, conspiciously.) The plan for the night is for Leo to take them all to a coffeeshop so they can get baked; wouldn’t that be good for Yo Mama, the cancer patient, too? No, she’s not going, and neither is Kim, because, you know, SHE’S SOBER.

So they get rid of the bikes and get dolled up for the evening, Kyle in a fur coat and booties which are going to smell terrific after a night in a weed den. They peruse the pot menu and all of a sudden everyone starts meowing how they can’t possibly partake because they are all mommies and it would be such a bad example. All except Lady Pump, who thinks it would be rude not to. Come on, isn’t that why you’re here? It’s not like you got lost looking for the Anne Frank Museum or something. Let’s be honest about our intentions, ladies.

Kyle insists it’s a “parenting choice”, which causes The Glands to leap up and trill about how the last time she personally smoked weed it was WITH Kyle, so, bullshit! Lady Pump puts and end to it by ordering a “space cake”, having seen it all in London in the 80’s and done plenty, and makes everyone partake. I think these broads are just scared of getting the munchies and eating something with a carb.

Out on the street, not stoned in the least, Lady Pump rounds up on The Glands for making that obnoxious comment about Kyle, which causes The Glands to explode about “hypocrisy”. Here we go again, moans Eileen.

Next time: more tourism, more fights, and All About Eileen.

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“Hug Off” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 16 Recap

You guys, Scheana Shay is in the house! Yes, the deed is done and the Shays are eternally bound, forevermore man and wife. K1 thinks it’ll last, because she’s faithful and he kisses her ass, which is more than we can say about a lot of marriages so best of luck to them. The cast assembles for a photo.

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And now it’s time to celebrate. There are shot glasses, there are boob glasses, but mostly there are plastic glasses with terribly small pours. The pours are probably a good idea considering the inevitable to come, but plastic? We could not rent glassware? Are we dining off paper plates, too?

Right off the bat K1 is enemy #1. Horshack is wandering around trying to get her attention and bemoaning the fact that he gives her love and she doesn’t give it back. Dude, you’re an idiot. In swanning about without her boyfriend, K1 just happens to cross the Pumps’ path; Mr. Lisa gives her the chilly Glandsian dismissal so K1 gets in Lady Pump’s face. “Oh, hullo,” says Lady Pump. “Lovely to see you here!” chirps K1, as though she’s surprised. Things swiftly go sour as K1 asserts her life is just fantastic now that she’s no longer working at SUR, that she should have quit long ago (we can all agree on that), and that Lady Pump never liked her. Lady Pumps clarifies that she never liked K1’s attitude, and warns her not to spoil things for the Shays. K1 departs after clutching Lady Pump to her bosom against her will. “Why does she always have to end things with a hug? Hug off!” Lady Pump tells us.

The only two SUR people not invited to the Sch/ay nuptials are Lady Hitler and her sidekick Anonymous. Someone has either Instagrammed a photo of Scheana’s wedding getup or texted it to Anonymous, who shows it to Lady Hitler so they can have a good giggle. Lady Hitler is horrified and sizes it up as a “skanky quincereana” dress, the ugliest wedding dress ever. And she hasn’t even seen the backfat.

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They also think Scheana is wearing too much makeup for a “blushing bride”, and that Lady Pump’s bondage dress is an odd choice for a wedding, and that Mr. Lisa and Giggy’s matching purple suits are hilariously Prince, and while I can’t stand these girls I have to agree with them all around. They may be missing an open bar but they have kept their pride and dignity, and do shots to the crop top. I don’t think there’s a lot of dignity here, actually. Later they retreat to Lady Hitler’s place for strawberry margs because they have no friends, and acknowledge that if the wedding getup was tackadoodles at least the decor is gorg. The end.

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Back at the wedding, Jax is trying to work Carmen over and she is having none of it and stalks off when he makes a crack about moving on to Vail. Vail is flirting with Pirate Peetah who came in his SUR uniform of unbuttoned black shirt and black pants. That is the best he could do? I really want Vail to get that Obama growth off her lip.

It’s time for the big entrance of the wedding party and at least it’s not to to “Eye In The Sky”. But it is carefully choreographed to some dumb dance song and when that starts at the wrong time the bride loses her shit again. “The whole reception is fucked!” she shrieks.

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Well, yeah, screaming profanity at your reception tends to do that. Finally the inept wedding planner manages to get the DJ to restart the song so that the new Mr. & Mrs. Shay can emerge onto the staircase balcony at the exact right moment and: start jumping up and down like they are celeb hosts at a Vegas nightclub. That’s what this is about? The first dance starts off slow to some uninspired song, before it segues into an opportunity for Scheana to twerk. Klassy. Mr. Little Mama’s and my first dance was a mambo to “Let’s Get It On”.

The party continues and some people are having fun and some are not. T1 and Ariana are in love and hanging out far away from the crazy table. Horshack is assigned to the crazy table, and being half in the bag before dinner even begins is getting all bellig on K1 who is trying to avoid him. The bride gets up and instructs the assembled NOT to have any drinks on the dance floor, please! The 2s stroll off to a private moment in a gazebo where he offers her a small box as a token of his commitment, and it contains: a small rose-gold band on a chain. Yes, the dreaded “ring on a string” that K2 has always told him never to give her. She’s upset and crying and disappointed, and he’s confused and dejected and made at the person at Jared who sold him this shitty little 9th grade birthday present. T1, who does not have commitment issues, commits his tongue to Ariana on the dance floor. Watch the spittle! Carmen tells Jax she’s not spending the night with him and summons Uber.

Lady Pump just happens to stumble upon K2 feeling sorry for herself as the inept wedding coordinator collects garbage (yes, paper plates). K2 spills her guts about the disappointing “ring on a string” and Lady Pump wants to know whether this silly boy is really worth all the time and waiting K2 has put into him. K2 has to think about giving him an ultimatum.

Bridezilla finds her wedding coordinator on garbage detail and explodes on her that nothing – NOTHING! – has gone according to plan! She wants to do the dollar dance! (What is the dollar dance?) She wants to do the garter (UGH) and cut the cake (necessary) and throw the bouquet (always awkward). And she wants to do it NOW! Dammit, garbage lady, take charge of that DJ! You know I didn’t have a wedding planner and I had none of these problems.

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K1, meanwhile, has decided she’s had enough fun for one night and is going to Uber home with her bearded, smoking trainer, Trevor. Horshack, still stalking her, chases her into the parking lot to apologize for being a drunken ass and find out what exactly is going on. So he gets all up in K1’s face while the trainer casually leans against his Prius, smoking a cigar, and enjoys the show. Which quickly becomes a shitshow when K1 tells Horshack they are “done” (clearly temporarily forgetting she’s his houseguest) and he yells at her that she is “unmanageable” (true), to which she responds by smacking and then punching Horshack in the face before making a break for it. Yow!

Having lost Carmen and insulted a number of women by calling them “large”, Jax resorts to trying to flirt with Lady Pump and gets negged. K2 recuperates from the disappointing ring on a string enough to climb into the fountain to dance. Horshack returns to the reception and tells T1 that K1 punched him. T1 is so happy to be with Ariana now, with whom he will always be able to go on vacation simply by looking her in the eyes, and whom he may never actually have to marry because she’s not that into it.

The reception finally wraps up and everyone goes to a villa for an afterparty. In the morning, Scheana awakens in full makeup (crusty!) and rallies her troops to help with garbage duty as Mr. Shay sleeps it off. Scheana is in a bad mood because K1 “ruined” her wedding (she didn’t even know anything had happened until Horshack told her at the afterparty?) but rallies with a little beer and candy for breakfast. And we’re done.

Next time: we’re back to the campaign to destroy T1, and this time K1 is bringing in the big gun: Lady Hitler.

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Real Housewives of Burbank 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 13 Recap

With more frequency than I would like, Bravo dishes us up an episode of boredom and pain that does nothing to entertain, nor move the “story” forward. Tuesday’s episode was one of those. These are the times when I am driven to check online and see how many more nights of drivel we are expected to endure; as it turns out, RHOBH is scheduled to go at least 16 episodes (until March 3), when Kim and Lipsey will have it out in Amsterdam (I suspect we’ll have at least two more episodes beyond that), while PumpRules has three more episodes and ends March 2. No, Scheana’s wedding is not the dramatic finale of this season of that.

Anyway, we pick up where we left off which is at Kyle’s not-so-gay partee. The Glands wants Kim to leave with her, but Kim wants to sulk in her corner banquette and vape some more. Kyle has retreated across the restaurant to her real friends and is desperate for these bitches to just get out. Kim’s all mad that (from her point of view) Kyle was trying to draw out The Glands to spill some dirt on her unpleasant, unsober vulnerable moments, whereas it’s perfectly obvious to anyone with an ounce of sense that Kyle was simply challenging The Glands, who thinks she knows everything about everything, that maybe she just doesn’t know EVERYTHING and should shut her fat trap. Anyway, they finally leave and vape outside.

Over in the corner, Kyle seeks comfort from Lady Pump before snapping at her about which one of them identified The Glands’ nasty streak first. Or I think that’s what it was about, I don’t know. No one understands why Kim doesn’t see this for what it is, and Lipsey doesn’t understand why The Glands gets so vicious with people before sizing the situation up: Kim is an addict (duh!), and so is The Glands (meep!). Girl, look out below. Eileen thinks Kim has painted everyone around her into a corner so that everyone is scared to actually deal with her. Word! Kyle apologizes to the assemblage of gays and sends them all home, love match made or not. We’re done here.

Like a rolling stone that gather no moss but perhaps a few STDs, The Glands moves right along to her podcast. Does anyone listed to podcasts? Really? Do people have the time for this sort of thing? I don’t, and if I did I could not be less interested in spending that free time listening to The Glands interview this Heather McDonald person about whether or not she has had sex with the Girls Gone Wild guy. The only interesting element in this is the observation that The Glands and Heather McDonald’s noses have the same pinched bridge. Botox, or the same surgeon? The Glands whines about how Chelsea Handler can say anything she wants, but The Glands gets castigated for calling her kid an asshole when he leaves a popsicle in her dresser drawer. I agree that’s an asshole move, but the difference between Chelsea Handler and The Glands is that Chelsea tends to size things up about right most of the time, and The Glands does not. And when you do not, and when you will not stop talking so loudly as to force people to hear you when you are spouting off, people will assign ugly to you no matter what you’re saying. This podcast must be so tiresome. I am glad I do not make time for podcasts.

The fun girls, meaning everyone else but Kim, have been invited by Eileen to join her at the Burbank Film Festival. The what? Yes, The Burbank Film Festival. All I know about Burbank is that Wheel of Fortune is filmed there so I am underwhelmed, but there in Burbank is where Eileen’s new sci-fi film (a short film at that) will be making it’s world premiere, in a mall.

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So all the ladies hop in a car to get to the mall; en route Lipsey makes a call in which it appears she is talking about “cameltoe”? That’s the only word I heard. The other ladies are all talking amongst themselves about Kim’s sobriety status and The Glands and her questionable motives, but I’d stop and listen to Lipsey’s conversation if it were me along for the ride. Cameltoe!

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Having arrived at the Burbank Mall, Eileen takes the escalator alone to the nether regions and the awaiting step-and-repeat on a red bathmat. The other ladies give her some space and head over to the concession station to trisect a single hot dog amongst them all. They cannot afford three hot dogs? They dare not eat an entire hot dog? Ladies, hot dogs are goooood. Not every day, so when you have one, eat it!

The podcast done, The Glands giraffes on up to Malibu to do yoga with Yo. Yo has hired a large handsome man named Keith to run them through their asanas and try to get The Glands in touch with her chakras. Yo thinks The Glands needs a lifestyle change, not Xanax. Oddly, The Glands shows zero interest in Keith who I would have fully expected her to attempt to mount in Yo’s glass refrigerator. Too much Xanax? Anyway, they run through the yoga with The Glands giving little more than a halfhearted effort before Keith gives up and leaves. Namaste, bitches.

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The real point of this is for Yo to go all Mommy on The Glands and try to rein her misbehavior in. Good luck. Yo tells her she’s heard “the girls” are mad about The Glands’ aggressive behavior and that she’s been drinking too much again. The Glands shares with us that like a preschooler, when someone tells her she can’t do something she’s going to do it more. This is how my wall sconce got broken yesterday by Small, and he’s five. Yo tells The Glands that she has a problem if she’s drinking so much as to be an asshole; The Glands retorts that people talk about #2 as if she’s an alcoholic for having gotten the DUI, so there. Yo objects to The Glands having dragged her daughter, who simply made a mistake, into this situation, and if it were me I’d do more than object, I’d be done with that bitch there and then and bodily remove her from my hilltop home to make it absolutely clear. But no, Yo basically rolls with The Glands’ latest lower-than-low blow and gives her some more Mommy talk which The Glands totally ignores. She doesn’t care about anyone else and isn’t gonna change, so there.

Time to change the subject, and we’re back to Max’s Ethnic Heritage. After having a sniffly moment with Pandy Pump at a Rite-Aid while assembling a Pump Sangria display, Lady Pump is now bravely standing by her Max as he seeks information about his biological background. Max pulls up the results of his swab test, sees his original name for the first time which appears to be of little interest to him for all the fuss Lady Pump made about revealing it, and finds out he is part Scandinavian, part Irish. No shit. He assures Mommy that he’s not interested in meeting his biological family and that the search ends here. Of course, now that this is all on TV and he’s famous and everything, who’s to say that biological family isn’t interested in meeting Max? This could get very Jerry Springer, fast.

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Eileen convenes the Richards Sisters for lunch at what appears to be the very Sofitel where Jax, Carmen, Horshack, and K1 recently defiled the waters of the pool, in order to try to bring the discord to an end between these two. Eileen knows from difficult sister relationships as she has lost two sisters, one for reasons I didn’t write down and the other because she went the “homeopathic route” in treating her breast cancer. I wonder if Eileen knows Kyle adulates Suzanne Somers who famously and loudly celebrates homeopathic breast cancer treatment.

Things start off okay, with Kim seeming all lovey and understanding toward her sister and acknowledging that The Glands really has no idea of all the times and ways Kyle has been there for her. This doesn’t last long, though, as she quickly changes tacks and starts bitterly complaining about how Kyle is trying to expose her dark secrets. Kyle very sensibly and coherently responds with an alternative perspective on her challenge to The Glands – that she was simply challenging her claims, not trying to draw embarrassing information out – but Kim brushes it right off and keeps on snapping. Kyle, for her part, tells Kim she’s upset that Kim doesn’t back her up to The Glands, nor did she react to the nasty comment The Glands made about Mauricio being a cheater. Kim sniffs that she didn’t hear her say that in the first place because her head was too far up The Glands’ bony ass. Eileen informs Kim that The Glands really is a shitstirrer and can’t seem to do anything but make anything she touches a disaster, but hands-over-ears lalalalalala Kim’s not gonna hear it! Lunch ends as a stalemate.

Truly peculiarly, The Glands is having a friendly Lipsey on her podcast and they have a friendly lunch afterward in matchy-matchy leopard print all around.

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Lipsey is going to try another Mommy tack with The Glands, apparently, and asks her why she gets so testy with everyone. The Glands acknowledges that she’s a temperamental “mama bear” and can “go low”. Girl, you aren’t a mama bear, you are a bitter, mean old snapping turtle and should be left alone in the swamp. The Glands defends her behavior by saying that poor sobriety challenged Kim said she was her best friend, and of course Kim has no friends, therefore The Glands needs to be her best and only friend even though psssstt she’s taking pain pills! She is! She’s so not sober! But don’t tell anyone, specifically Kim, The Glands said that because The Glands’ whole thing is how Kyle actually spills dirt on Kim, not The Glands. Lipsey thinks Kim needs an intervention. Oh, terrific. Because RHOBH interventions always go so well.

Next time: I have a note that there’s yet another crappy party. There’s rehearsals for yet another crappy acting job. And yes, there’s an intervention. Sigh.

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“Happy Shay Day” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 15 Recap

It’s the day! It’s the day! The day Scheana becomes Scheana Shay! (Yes, for real.) It’s practically a palindrome. Not to be confused with Shea Nashee, of course.

This week of filming has to have been pure torture for Production because I feel like the last four episodes of Pump Rules have been straight up Groundhog Day. I mean, we’ve been in this week leading up to the wedding FOR EVER. But editing has done a nice job of mashing all the wound up drama into the previous few, so today the bride can show up at Villa Rosa all serene and glowing in a blue crop top and a see-through flowered maxi to discuss the wedding arrangements and beg for 300 bottles of free sangria. Scheana has been planning this extravaganza (I just typed sextravaganza, Freudian slip!) on a waitress’ budget…. with the added enhancement of a lawsuit settlement, which has ratcheted said budget up to $90K. $90K! And she still needs a sangria donation! All that pain and suffering endured for such a worthy cause. Lady Pump defers the sangria question to Pandy Pump, and moves the discussion along to K1: is she or is she not still invited, seeing as she’s no longer a SUR server. Scheana is torn because she really has no idea how to uninvite K1. Lady Pump thinks she can do it. I agree.

Meanwhile, the Ts and Jax are off to harass the groom into a near-death straight-blade shaving experience on the eve of his wedding. They have brought 40s of malt liquor in paper bags to take the edge off. Is T1 wearing knickers? And I have never seen a man in cropped pants but leave it to T2. I think I bought those pants at Costco several years ago, myself. But I am a girl.

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Anyway, T1 has appointed himself “personal stylist” to Shay, who I agree needs a stylist as I have never seen him not in a tank top (and I hate men in tank tops), but poor Mike Shay to have T1 gift him the gift of style. I picture Shay in a snood and chevron tux pants, pegged. With pointy shoes.

The rehearsal dinner is, of course, going to take place at SUR so Scheana can use her employee discount and, of course, receive shouted well-wishes from patrons as she passes through. Ariana wears a midriff-baring top in honor of the bride-to-be, while K2 shows up in a black sack. Her clothes have begged the question but generally K2 has looked the prettiest she ever has this season. Scheana arrives in a tasteful-ish white Modcloth dress with that shrunken look, whereas the men… oh, the men. It’s a sea of deep v-neck t-shirts. Under jackets, without jackets… the groom, for his part, wears an untucked short-sleeve plaid shirt. Hmm. Scheana’s rather large parents are here, which bodes ill for the Shay future, whereas K1 is conspicuously not. Lady Pump banned her from the premises and she totally means it.

With no K1 on the grounds, T1 seizes the opportunity to have a casual heart-to-heart and a smoke with Horshack. He’s genuinely concerned about Horshack’s future with K1 since she’s (a) obsessed with T1, and (b) demented and capable of evil. Horshack seems to be all on T1’s side and agreeing she’s not acting normal and overly invested in whether or not T1 banged The Miami Girl, and T1 advises him to be very careful and watch hisself because he doesn’t deserve the shit he has to deal with having K1 for a girlfriend. And also not say anything about this conversation to K1 before the wedding, which Horshack is totally going to do because he tells her everything, regardless of whether she does the same. This ought to be fun.

The day before the wedding, instead of rehearsing and having the usual final preparation events, Scheana moves into a casita on the grounds of the wedding venue – a Mediterranean hilltop villa in some deserty area 30 minutes outside LA – along with alllll her wedding attendants, and K2, so they can celebrate SCHEANA! Again! It’s her day, y’all! The Craigslist wedding coordinator she hired for the event seems to be slacking on executing Scheana’s vision, but at least Pandy shows up with the 300 promised bottles of sangria and hauls them all in herself in her stilettos, like her mama raised her. Does Pandy Pump have or not have an accent? It seems to come and go.

One of the gals not invited to join Scheana at her last hurrah is K1, who despite being a super-bestie at least at the start of this season has slipped several notches. So she’s having a bite to eat with Horshack and her unwashed hair. I know there are people who make a big case for not washing your hair daily, but if the result is it ends up looking like this I vote for the daily scrubbing.

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Horshack, of course, immediately spills all about his chat with T1, claiming T1 initiated it and practically dragged him out to the patio. K1 crows that this is proof – PROOF! – that T1 is obsessed with her! Horshack feebly asks about the 1’s text interactions and an argument ensues about whether the smiley-face-with-tongue emoji communicates a lack of seriousness or an intent to eat the communicant alive. Horshack, once again, sucks it up and bends over.

Back at the bridal casita, Scheana presents her wedding attendants with their special bridesmaid gift, something she had personally created for each and every one of them: handpainted wine glasses to resemble each ‘maid, enhanced with big 3D bazooms.

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Awwww, so cute! K2, the hanger-on, gets a red Solo cup lookalike posted on a wine stem and bedazzled with her name. Just a sentimental little tchotchke from this special day.

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K2 makes a nice speech of sorts about how she’s glad to be in a good place with Scheana. The bride is just glad for K2’s sake that she got her head out of Stassi’s ass, because fresh air smells better. You so funny!

In the morning, Scheana and her cast of Playmates assemble to get the drinkin’ started early, mimosas and muffins before they start getting dolled up. Just as the spackle crew is in full swing, Scheana suddenly remembers that she just happened to leave the album of “boudoir photos” she had made as Shay’s wedding gift (so that when she’s as fluffy as Mama he’ll have something to look back on with fondness) in her apartment, and the only, only person available to retrieve it is, of course, K1, who is only too glad to do so, so Scheana phones security and directs them to let “Kristen Doodie” (did you know her name was pronounced that way?) in to collect. Sure enough, K1 makes the pickup and scoots on over, right in time to get her own hair and makeup done, too. Some 30 minute commute that was; gosh, it’s almost like she was sitting in her Corolla out in the parking lot the whole time. Ariana is displeased, but what can she do? They are boudoir photos, guys!

The groom, meanwhile, is in his tiny casita with his two helpers, Bearded Guy #30 and T1, who has secured for Shay the most rad tux jacket ever: it’s white, it’s satin, it has black shawl lapels, and it has “SHAY” embroidered underneath the collar on the neck so that when the groom unties his tie and flips his collar all will see who he is. He is SHAY. And he volunteered for this mess.

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The tables are set with those three-dimensional embroidered flower cloths that I am always sure will tip over wineglass after wineglass, the pink candy is dispensed, and the $20K in flowers arranged, and it’s almost go time. Scheana takes leave of the PlaymatesΒ (abandoning Ariana to the makeup studio where the spackle applyers are barely keeping K1 in check) and moves the operation upstairs to the bridal suite, clad in only her underpants, a white lace robe, and carrying a handle of Fireball, and gets lost en route, so lost that she nearly crosses paths with arriving guests.

Many of the men are in shirts without jackets; those that have jackets mostly don’t have ties, and most of the men that have ties don’t have jackets. Except T2, who has redeemed manhood by wearing a shoelace as a necktie. K1 strolls in with Horshack bitterly shout-whispering a demand that she hold his hand, a demand she denies to concede to, and takes her seat without him right on the aisle. Lady Pump and Mr. Lisa arrive with Giggy and take seats in the front row, naturally.

The Playmates assemble in the bridal suite to wish Scheana a “happy Shay day!” and watch her put on her bridal gown. It is custom made to her vision. By her aunt. It is beaded within an inch of its life. It is a mermaid skirt that tightly contains the bride’s heftiest parts and practically shows butt undercleave, and: a crop top. And no ordinary crop top, no; this one is made of white Dippin’ Dots so Shay can eat them later for a midnight snack. And oddly no Dippin’ Dots on the skirt so they sort of don’t work together exactly right. And the bride has had not one but two shots of Fireball. This is not my kind of wedding and that’s all I am going to say about that. Well, except that there is back fat. I know!

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So it’s time, but – surprise!- the stylist isn’t ready! Yes, all these people on leave from SUR, closed for the holiday – are left to sweat and suffer in the hot direct sun while T1 fusses with his hair. And the bride is going from fussy and obsessed with details that don’t matter to furious, controlling, and on the verge of making a public scene because they are running late, people! So late that there’s a traffic control issue at the bottom of the stairs and Scheana has to go wait in a broom closet – a broom closet with no air conditioning, for that matter – while the groomsmen pass through. (I hate to tell her this, but most brides have to wait in some awkward passage at one time or another, and there’s no A/C out on the patio, either, so suck it up.)

Finally, the bridal party emerges onto the cliffside dias, and the black Friend of Pumpers from season one takes her place and begins to sing what sounds like a version of “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You” in French? Which causes the bride to completely lose her shit because it’s too soon! “NO NO NO! Make her stop and start over!” See, Scheana has to emerge at a certain exact moment in the song when FOP gets to a line that’s either about “take my hand” or “bite my brioche”, depending on your French comprehension, and now it’s all messed up.

 

So FOP finishes and is instructed to sing it again, so that the bride can make her big entrance, assume the position, say her vows, and show the world the love handles. Oh for a covered midriff. For a girl who wears crop tops as her signature look, you’d think she’d know this was going to happen.

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Next time: it’s party time! Lady Pump and K1 have it out; T2 gives K2 a “small box”; everyone leaves at an appropriate hour which further enrages the bride; Anonymous gives Stassi the lowdown on the bridal attire; and the couples are fighting, most notable Horshack and K1. Don’t say T1 didn’t warn you, bro.

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“What Do You Do, Get A Hose?” 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 12 Recap

At this point I think we (including me) should all accept that this recap is going to post on Thursdays. Wednesdays are my days driving the mom shuttle, and there’s just never going to be opportunity for a sit-down to go through the rubble of Tuesday night’s drama. Just not happening.

I didn’t even get a chance to watch this week’s episode until last night, and as I was ff’ing through the opening montage it occurred to me that the show The Glands really belongs on is Hollywood Exes. I think I saw one or two early episodes of that show when I was nursing babies in the middle of the night, but that’s totally her social milieu and her taste level. These are not her people, and casting her may have kept something going here, but it was an error.

Anyway, we catch up with Kyle at her odd store, which looks so 1970’s old lady boutique to me, and she’s picking out a disco dress to wear to her “gay mixer”. Why does Kyle feel compelled to host a “gay mixer”? Well, it seems that she and all her friends each have “gays of their own”, and “her” gays are all single. Hosting a mixer is her way to “keep them off Grindr”, facilitate real relationships rather than quickies in the smelly alley behind PUMP, and surface the hidden “tops” of West Hollywood.

Now after this episode, apparently Top Gay Mr. Andy gave Kyle (and several fellow ‘Wives) an earful about the possessive homosexual; gays are not property, or objects to possess, or items to claim. But honestly I think he has Kathy Griffin to blame for this because she made it part of her shtick and it has shtuck. Also, from what I have recently heard, keeping divorced women off Tinder should also be a social priority, perhaps even a higher one than decimating the ranks of Grindr. Regardless, Kyle’s having a party, and one hopes it might actually be more fun than the usual Housewives social occasion.

Yo will not be going because Yo is going to Italy with GHDF for a charity event. See, GHDF is majorly charitable, you guys; he doesn’t just write checks for things, he actually GOES TO GALAS all over the world. This gala is one his foundation is co-hosting with Andrea Bocelli’s foundation to present awards to Sophia Loren and George Clooney. You guys: he is a GIVER. Next thing he’ll be in a burka alongside Angelina in a refugee camp. Or… wait. Nope, sorry. Yo won’t be doing that either. Anyway, she’s a professional packer, and with the able assistance of Blanca has herself and GRDF packed up and rolling out, after a word to Anwar about not drinking on the beach while she’s gone. PARENTING. It takes commitment!

Lady Pump is on the couch at Villa Rosa in a truly ugly 1980s Ralph Lauren American flag sweater going through her old scrapbooks about baby Max. Lady Pump is a scrapbooker? Maybe she can help me figure out how to work my new Cricut Explore, known in my house as “the ma-Chine”. That thing is more complex than my minivan, but once I figure it out I am going to be Monograms Gone Wild. Anyway: it seems Max wants to learn about his “genetic background” and Lady Pump is feeling conflicted about it. She’s going to let him do some swab research and hope that’s enough. Mr. Lisa is wearing a weird pintucked blouse and his general befuddled expression. Whatever the lady wants!

Over at Kim’s, The Glands shows up for a visit while Kim’s perched atop a stool in the pantry trying to reach her stash of vapes. Kim’s out of the hospital after what she claims was “7 or 8 days” (so, which was it? 7? 8? do we have a gap in the time/space continuum? How out of it was Kim after the poker party?) and is now on the mend from a snapped rib and hernia which caused her all that pain. Do they usually keep you hospitalized for a week for pain and pain alone? This is mysterious. Kim’s dolled up her leopard pajamas with two bright circles of carnation pink rouge on her cheeks, whereas The Glands is feeling leisurely in a white “cold shoulder” negligee looking thing. It’s a veritable pajama party! With vapes! Yes, Kim, who has spent ONE WEEK in the hospital with respiratory-related issues, and who is providing deathbed care for her cancer-stricken ex-husband in her home, is vaping. Hard. She can’t let the stick go.

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So Kim claims she doesn’t remember anything about the poker party because of her mistake in taking one of Monty’s pain pills. The Glands tells her it was a bad night for all three of them – The Glands, Kyle, and Kim – and that she was only trying to protect Kim from her evil, uncaring, selfish sister. Kim is reminded of old incidents with Kyle and is disappointed that Kyle “made a spectacle” of the situation. Um, what? Who? I’m no giant Kyle fan but let’s call a spade a spade: Kim made a spectacle of herself, Kyle tried to vanish, Kim sought her out in the bathroom to explain herself, they left the bathroom, then Kim segued into a meltdown that resulted in The Glands backhanding Kyle and practically hanging the midget on a coat hook in the foyer. Right.

The Glands feels she’s Kim’s one true “person”, having “needed her” various nights in which she’d made desperate calls. Not that she’s going to reveal the contents of those desperate calls, except to say that they were really, really desperate and pssst: Kim was off the wagon. Let the speculation begin! Meanwhile, we’re treated to a foggy retrospective of Kyle’s visit to a bedridden Kim just that morning (Kim seeming significantly more ill but vape in hand all the same) where she expresses genuine, normal, healthy concern and a desire to meet Kim’s needs, whatever they are. And Kim responds, like a normal person. Not that she tells The Glands that; no, she’s gonna tell Kyle what she wants to hear and then blow vape smoke up The Glands’ bony ass that she wants to gas up with. The Glands is a narcissistic, hypocritical, whiny black pot of toxicity, Botox, and crabs, but really, I think Kim deserves the blame for this fiasco with Kyle because she’s stoking this fire and loving it. Hey, it’s a storyline! And that means a paycheck! Kim is going to bring The Glands as her plus one to Kyle’s gay mixer. Brilliant.

Back to Villa Rosa where Max has rolled up in his Lexus, surfboards strapped to the roof. At least he’s gotten his smog check and is paying his insurance premiums, unlike some PUMP staff, maybe because he’s been promoted to some sort of manager-y role (which, Lady Pump is quick to point out, he has totally earned as a 22-year-old music school dropout and not at all because he’s a lil’ Pump.) Anyway, Max is here to do his swab test to “learn about his heritage”. Lady Pump is still alarmed that he might want to find his family, but that could be a plus because they could be richer than Croesus. (News for you, Lady Pump: adoption terminates any inheritance rights with the bio family, so he’s all yours in that department.)

Max fires up the laptop and asks Lady Pump for his biological parents’ last name; she knows it, actually, and even met them when they adopted Max from foster care, but she’s not gonna tell it. Mr. Lisa tells Max his father was Japanese and his mother was Nigerian, which fully explains why Max looks like an albino poodle. Lady Pump would have liked to pretend Max was their biological kid from the beginning, but he was told old for that, so… I feel like the Pump parents need a little counseling on how to be appropriate adoptive parents and acknowledge the child’s reality. He’s 22 years old and obviously has a normal, healthy attitude about it all; the weirdness here is all Mom and Dad.

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Kyle’s scaling her closet shelves in her disco mini in an effort to reach her favorite giant clutch which is conveniently located on the top shelf. Girl, get a stepladder! Shorties like us need them! And also, don’t stick your favorite bag where you can’t reach it. Be practical. Her ladysitter is here to go to the party with Kyle and “her” gays. Unbeknownst to her, The Glands is doing the same, and she’s wearing (wait for it): AN ICE SKATER COSTUME. Plunging front, open back, twirly skirt; but for the lack of spangles, this is completely the same getup she slammed Horsey for on the last season’s reunion show. Sweet, sweet irony.

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Kim shows up to collect her and The Glands chirps “hi mommy!” Why does she call everyone “mommy”? I’d call her “asshole” if she called me “mommy”; well, actually I’d probably call her “asshole” anyway, and seeing as I am pretty sure she’s older than I am she really shouldn’t be calling me “mommy” anyway.

They’re off to the show and The Glands “doesn’t want to deal with Kyle”. Get OUT of the CAR, then! But no, she’s going, and she says she really feels okay about how the poker party went at this point because the problem was all the drinking. Because drunks aren’t rude, it’s the drinks they drunk that are rude. Kim’s vaping again.

Lady Pump zooms up in her white Porsche, pops out, grabs her gay, and the party begins. Lipsey Rinna is wearing a jacket, that’s it, and her excuse is that when she’s with “her gays”, pants are optional. Kyle is just settling in for a Glands-free fun night with Her Gays when – BOOM! – in giraffes Kim with The Glands, who has no intention of hugging “that bitch”. A great attitude for the reconciliation Kim is sure, just sure, is to come.

Kyle is reeling. Couldn’t Kim have texted her a heads up? Asked? Sought a reconciliation when Kyle was actually agreeable to it? Sorry! The atmosphere is made even more stressful by the circus-tent curtains and the impossible amped up light. Hit the dimmer, please! I sense a leg tossing may be imminent.

Sure enough, after mentally recapping her laundry list of complaints against The Glands (she accused Kyle of not being there for her sister; she claimed Kyle wanted to see Kim fail; and she brought up all the tabloid scuttlebutt about her marriage), Kyle marches up to The Glands to say hello, apologize for trying to elbow her out of her way in Eileen’s foyer, and essentially demand an adult, responsible, remorseful apology from The Glands for the entire poker party fiasco. Ohshit.

The Glands takes this as well as we have come to expect from her, and it’s ON. The Glands insists she was protecting Kim from her evil, meanspirited, ill-intentioned sister and defusing a situation. AND she’s the one taking care of Kim during her late-night emotional drunken crises, where are YOU, KYLE? Now Kim is mad at Kyle for having approached The Glands in the first place and causing The Glands to bring up all these embarrassing personal matters – it’s Kyle’s fault! Even though Kim brought her in the first place! Kyle is horrified and wheeling around as she and The Glands shout “asshole” at each other before The Glands gets all up in Kyle’s face like President Business. “What do you do, get a hose?” asks Eileen? What indeed?

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Now Kim’s all curled up in a corner booth with her vape having a pity party and accusing Kyle of hurting her feelings. RIGHT. Kyle is at her wits’ end, trying to make her sister see some slight degree of sense in this situation, but The Glands is hovering and won’t leave, even when Kyle tells her to get out because she’s “not wanted”. “Neither are you, just ask your husband!” The Glands retorts. Cheap. Dirty. And also not very clever. Come on girl, do better than that tired old shot. Kyle shouts at The Glands not to pretend to be Kim’s friend in order to stir the shit, which causes Kim to go to The Glands’ side of things and Kyle to shout the words: “FUCK. YOU!”. Hard core, for real, two big Italian hands in the air for emphasis, before storming off to find Faye. Kim vapes.

Next time: More crying with Kim and The Glands; more speculation about Kim’s sobriety and mental state; more questions about Max’s birthparents; more mothering of The Glands by Yo; and more claims by Kim that she doesn’t remember this, that, or the other. I’m tired. Can we get Kim and The Glands their own Snooki & JWOWW style spinoff? They can run around in bedroom slippers and suck lollipops in bushes. Don’t even need to replace them.

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“I Don’t Have To Worry About Coming To Work And Getting Shanked” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 14 Recap

I can’t say I have a lot of desire to dine at a PUMP establishment, but man would I love to be invited for a meal al fresco at Villa Rosa. Putting together a gorgeous evening like this would leave me too exhausted to enjoy it, but then again Lady Pump has Rocio and I have Big, Medium, and Small. Anyway, it’s Mr. Lisa’s birthday so all the kids are coming to celebrate with lots of wine and costumes for Giggy. Pandy keeps her hat on throughout dinner which I don’t find appropriate. Conversation turns to K1, and whether or not Lady Pump is finally going to dismiss her over her impudence to Manageress Diana on the last episode. Even Max, who’s best friend is Horshack, acknowledges she’s awful and is bringing easily-influenced Horshack down with her. Lady Pump knows she gave K1 her final warning at her last suspension earlier this season, but you know, there’s an “allegiance” there, because they are “like family” after all this time. Girl, please.

There seems to be some sort of party happening at the Sofitel hotel, because Horshack is DJ’ing and K1, Jax, and Carmen are along for a mutually-miserable personal appearance. Well, truthfully K1 is trying to make out like she’s having a blast, but Jax is in one of his foul moods and is dishing it out to everyone. Carmen accuses him of texting lots of chicks (hello?) which gives rise to an opportunity for Jax to hand his phone to K1 – not Carmen – to read his texts and just happen to stumble upon one which appears to suggest T2 banged some chick in Vegas. And further, their plan was to cover up the banging by claiming it was just making out. This situation is even more tedious than this party.

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Speaking of T2, he and T1 and K2 are going out for drinks at some place called Lock & Key that has a clever, clever conceit where you have to guess which doorknob opens the door upon arrival. T2 guesses right on the FIRST TRY! Amazing stuff! Is that a scrunchie I see holding up K2’s topknot?

 

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Despite having only had three hours sleep last night after the traumatic confrontation with The Miami Girl, T1’s up for drinks and wedding talk with Sch/ay, who had trouble with the door. The wedding is days away, you guys, and having blown $20K on flowers now Scheana is reaching out to friends to pick up bags of ice at Circle K. T1 is ON it.

Just then, T2 gets a text that seems to be from Jax, telling him the cat’s out of the bag on his Vegas hookup. T2 realizes that with Jax on the rag his goose is cooked. With not a moment to lose, T2 takes K2 aside and confesses that he wasn’t totally honest with her about the Vegas situation, that he in fact made out with some chick although he didn’t remember it and had to call her to ask what happened, not unlike The Geek in Sixteen Candles. Did he like it? It was a weak, sad time in their relationship.

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K2 could not care less about that, she’s just furious that it takes Jax holding a sword over T2’s head for him to be honest. With all the fun taken out of the evening, the two go home to their sadly fraternal looking apartment and have it out some more over T2’s idiocy in choosing to party with dumb whores at hotel parties, before K2 stomps off to bed in her red plaid sack leaving T2 to camp out on the couch. No one takes poor Gordo out! That dog needs to pee!

The sun rises and it’s time for work at SUR for Ariana, K2, and Scheana. Scheana tells Ariana that T2 confessed to having “heavily made out” with someone in Vegas which has K2 tweaked; Ariana points out that Jax is known for stage-managing girls to go drape themselves all over T2 when they go to these dumb hotel party/appearances, so who’s fault is it really?

What we’re really excited about, though, is that it’s time for K1’s comeuppance. K1 doesn’t think Lady Pump has “the right to be mad” at her because (a) she wasn’t on the job at the time, and (b) she wasn’t responsible for bringing The Miami Girl in, even though she totally was. Lady Pump convenes the management team in one of SUR’s private dining rooms before dismissing the men and taking on K1 with the chicks. There’s something very Apprentice about this, and sure enough, after some backtalk and refusal to take responsibility and a fully excoriating takedown by Lady Pump, she utters the magic words we’ve all longed for for three seasons now: “YOU’RE FIRED!”

And then the ticker tape parade begins. K1 storms off, takes off her mic kit and weird elastic butt band, and stalks out the smelly alley, while confetti drops and fireworks zoom. Line cooks in the kitchen high-five each other. Ariana realizes she can now come to work free of fear of shanking, and a big smile spreads across her face. And T1? Well, T1 does a happy dance, jig, pelvic thrusting, and all.

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K1 insists she didn’t get fired for misbehavior but because Lady Pump can’t stand her. Does it matter?

So with that over with, it’s back to the subject of the Sch/ay wedding, and she’s going candy shopping with Ariana and Shay to get pink, gold, and white candy from Dylan’s Candy Bar, the most expensive possible place to acquire candy, supposedly at discount through their manager friend. The candy is essential stuff for the candy table Scheana is insisting on having at her “Mexican themed” wedding. What the hell? She continues to hold out hope that K1 is going to behave herself at the quincereana.

Speaking of K1, she’s home with Horshack furiously texting, as usual. She’s furious that Lady Pump attacked her character “as if she knows me”. Girl, you’re like family to Lady Pump! Plus, you’re your own fault. Stand-up comic and former Jax fuck Rachael comes over with cheap bubbly to help K1 celebrate unemployment, and the corresponding unemployability under the circumstances. K1 insists she is never working as a restaurant server again, and that she’s not responsible for The Miami Girl thing, either.

K2 and Anonymous are of course still employed, which means they can afford a beer and a bite to eat to gossip about SUR stuff. They are both thrilled that K1 has not only been fired but banned from the premises. They are not altogether in agreement about whether their other mutual friend, Lady Hitler, is or is not an ass. They agree that she didn’t give K2 a chance to explain herself for the Miami trip deal, but Anonymous feels for her because she’s “been through so much”. Like what? Seriously, what? K2 seems over it and is equally over the whole T2 thing, with the exception that she’s past ready for him to grow up, prove his commitment, find a real career, and quit going on these stupid boys’ trips that only result in chaos. I’m ready for all the T’s to quit the boys’ trips!

T2 pops over to Jax’s apartment to tell him to go to hell, and finds him viewing his finalized fitness app. How is this going to work is what I really want to know? Who is going to stand there in the Nautilus section of the gym watching Jax hop around and do pushups on his cell phone, and retain their pride? T2 congratulates him on the pointless app, and also on his excellent bus-throwing skills, and we have yet another of these circular Jaxuments where one of the Ts yells at him for being a bad friend and spilling and refrying their beans which weren’t even really soaked, man, and Jax yells back about how he’s tired of being the bad guy and it’s someone else’s turn. There’s a lot of threatening about how everyone has done something wrong, and how there’s more beans where these pintos came from, and plenty of DUDE, DUDE, DUDE! And in the end, T2 defines it as a choice Jax has to make between being “honest” or being loyal, and we know he picks asshole every time, because he’s Jax!

Next time: It’s time for the Sch/ay wedding! Will K1 behave? Will Horshack finally get fed up with her obsession with T1? Will the wedding come off? That’s gonna be a good one.

(Oh and hey: wasn’t there supposed to be some thing about Max looking for his biological parents in this one? Did I miss something?)

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