Here we go, at last! As saggy as RHONY has been in the ratings the last couple of seasons it’s still one of my favorite franchises, partly because it’s one of my original recappees but largely because I just love New York. Who doesn’t? I really feel like RHONY is at it’s best when New York feels real, like another character in play on the show, so let’s hope for more of that this season, shall we?
It’s morning in the Hamptons, and the Fun Girls, who are staying at Kountess Lu’s, are lounging on the couch debating which of the dueling brunches to attend and freaking me out with talk about braiding Radzi’s toe hair. Eeew, eeewww! It seems that after Bethenny made the grievous social faux pas of inviting one of Mo Singer’s houseguests to brunch, Mo decided to have her revenge by planning her OWN brunch and inviting everyone to that. What to do, what to do? Kountess Lu suggests they split the difference by going to both, which is totally what I would do because brunch is my favorite meal, and I’ll take any excuse to have a Bloody Mary.
Holla wants to know whether her new acquaintance Bethenny is a drama queen. HELLO. In response, Lu (Switzerland) offers the anecdote that when Mo was a guest on Bethenny’s failed show, she spilled something on herself (Turtle Time!) and asked to borrow a Herve Leger, which she left wearing and never returned. Cast that tale against Mo and So’s 20 year friendship drought over a sample sale dress and clearly, drama queen or not, there is drama to be had here.
So first the Fun Girls go to Bethenny’s Skinnygirl Showhouse, where all the accents are conveniently red, and all the products are perfectly placed. I have to wonder whether she bought or rented this house because of the red, or put it there. Radzi shares that she’s been in Oscar gifting suites with less product. Bethenny claims she is unfazed by the previous evening’s confrontation with Mo, other than the fact that she has “weeded out crap people” and now here’s another one. They do tend to come along with the seven figure contract, Bethenny. (Oh, also: she’s not mad about the dress. Not at all. Not that she didn’t notice the photo Mo posted of it on Instagram months later.)
So anyway, Beth’s brunch is fun, although no one seems to eat anything, not even the unappetizing looking Skinnygirl bars or crackers. Certainly not the bacon. Beth (you know she would hate being called “Beth”) wants to know what she’s been missing among these bitches while she was off unsuccessfully trying to scale the media ladder, and Holla tells her how So’s toaster oven never happened and now she’s got 10,000 things in the air with nothing actually happening. Beth knows she’s just the girl to bring So back to reality. RIGHT-o. You just know So’s got all those assistants responding to every email she gets from Mr. Herbert Obadu in Nigeria.
Speaking of So, she and the other hung-up-wets are waiting for the Fun Girls in some local establishment so they can start their brunch “in honor of Doritos”. After So downed the beer in her purse she apparently missed the entire episode the previous evening between So and Beth and demands to know what Mo did to make Beth so mad; Mo is so enraged that So dare question her that she gets literally nose-to-nose with her, hissing she did nothing. NOTHING I TELL YOU!
Finally, an hour into the Doritos Brunch, the Fun Girls finally leave the Skinnygirl Showhouse, red blenders and other products in tow, and arrive just as Doritos is leaving to get back to The City. Doritos feels there is such a thing as a bad brunch, and that would be one that involves “no people, no food, just old bitches fighting”. She still got a Bloody Mary out of the deal which should count for something. She and So roll out with Egg McMuffins to go. Mo claims to be blithely unaware that there was any other social event going on, and demands to know why she wasn’t invited. Lu unapologetically informs her that it’s because she launched a fracas in the street with Beth just the night before. Doesn’t she remember? Mo insists she did no such thing. NOTHING I TELL YOU!
Back in New York, Doritos has lunch with her fat dry cleaner and berates him for taking a call from his bookie while they are supposed to be spending special time together, but not publicly romanticizing. I think if she doesn’t want to be witnessed kissing Joe Guidice’s cousin then she should not be dating him, let alone be on reality tv. I am bored with Doritos already.
Beth returns to New York to oversee yet another gut renovation of yet another apartment, since He Who Shall Not Be Named will not vacate the one she so publicly renovated for an entire season of her last solo show, Bethenny Never Stops Talking. She’s using all the same crew for this job, minus the lady decorators, because who needs high-priced fancy decorators to slap a Skinnygirl label on everything? Whatever. 2.5 episodes in and this is already too much Beth.
Kountess Lu is lunching with Mo at the Mopartment. The Mopartment still displays lots and lots and lots of Mariobilia and I think Mo needs both a decor upgrade and atmospheric revisit altogether. Maybe a little feng shui. After spending all last season pretending there was nothing to see here, Mo is now getting candid, probably because she’s operating under threat of downgrade to FOH if she doesn’t. And you can’t come back from that, not unless you are a Kountess!
No, Mo’s ready to talk, and talk she does: yes, Mario was poking it in some rat he met at the gym, although she was over 30 for what it’s worth. No, she has no idea where he’s living now even though the dog is visiting him wherever it is; she assumes he’s sleeping on someone’s couch and pining for her. No, Avery won’t speak to Mario. No, she doesn’t think he was doing this always (no matter what the Moroccan psychic said); she thinks he’s having a midlife crisis and is not right in the head. Yes, she’s dating, just not on Tinder or Grindr or whatever, and no, she doesn’t care if Mario is on those sites (well, Grindr would be an issue). And she’s filed for divorce. Lu is astounded; this is the first normal conversation she’s ever had with Mo! Us too!
Next, Lu heads to another lunch at Dos Caminos with Beth and Holla. Holla is all fancy lady because she was just featured on some business show on MSNBC that Beth tries to deride and play all coolly dismissive of but you know she’s just seething that she’s not invited to play businesswoman on TV other than on Bravo. They order complex custom cocktails and get to talking about Mo. It seems Mo texted an apology to Beth, who really isn’t interested in taking the reconnection further because she does not want Mo on her jock. Holla offers Beth a lengthy psychoanalytic analysis of the Many Faces of Mo Singer but Beth isn’t into it. Honey badger don’t care! Throughout, Lu plays Trivia Crack on her iPhone, as do I.
For Lu’s next event, she’s traipsing through a commercial kitchen with Gummi Bear in tow to host a “single girls’ night” at a renowned UES speakeasy/pick-up joint. Lu claims she wasn’t planning to drag Gummi Bear along, but ran into her at another something and spontaneously invited her. I’m buying it; Gummi is wearing a ratty, rayon-looking cardigan and her holey t-shirt seems to have been washed more than her hair has recently.
Apparently Lu has invited all the single ladies of this franchise, which means we’re on a collision course. And sure enough, after SoMo rolls in and Radzi saunters in wearing thigh-high hooker boots, here comes Beth in all her glory and Skinnygirl lingerie-as-top-under-blazer, immediately spotting Gummi Bear and commencing the seethe. She parks herself at the bar and chats up two unattractive men, supposedly unnoticed by the other single ladies (as “unnoticed” as the only other woman in the place, camera crew in tow, could be), snippy that she did not get a “warning” of Gummi’s presence. Finally Lu spots her, calls her over, and dismisses her Gummi issues outright as she couldn’t warn Beth of an event she didn’t know was going to happen. No one dismisses Bethie in a snit. No one.
Two European dudes named Dominik and Erik have somehow gotten mixed in with these broads, and So has declared intent to possess on the brunette while Lu sneaks off to the nap room or something with the blonde. Mo finds a man with a beard, then another guy who looks altogether too much like Mario. No one is paying attention to Beth so she takes off her shirt. Still nothing. Radzi is amused. It’s an old people’s singles club! Then why are these two young Europeans here? I am starting to think they are call boys. Then, suddenly: SCANDAL. The fat dry cleaner is here – without Doritos. She might lose her man to that model!
Next time: Mo goes dating. Doritos and The Fat Man fight. Radzi makes a play for Lu’s son’s friend, and Holla and Beth have it out over Kristen. Let the petty bitchery commence!