Quaaludes in the Cookie Jar 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 8 Recap

In the last week this little mama has thrown two year-end pool parties, a dinner for 19, a birthday celebration, a sixth-grade promotion, and handled a visit from El Nana and assorted work hiccups, and now we’ve arrived at SUMMER! With Mr. Little Mama and Big off on a Naked & Afraid camping trip, I am ready to use this lull in the testosterone to finally check in with the estrogen brigade of New York City. Thank you for bearing with me, as usual.

We find our friends Julie Toothpick and Doritos test-sitting couches at Jonathan Adler. It seems Julie is helping Doritos redecorate, which isn’t such a bad idea. They are also shopping for Secret Santa gifts for a party Queen B is throwing, and Jonathan Adler has many options, including cookie jars labeled “Quaaludes” and “Uppers”, which would be perfect for Mo if it weren’t for the fact that Julie, who drew her, already has the perfect gift. (Doritos has The Queen and got her a vibrating Thighmaster.

Just put it between your knees and squeeze, Queenie!

So anyway, Doritos confides that after last week’s Moruption, she’s over it with her. She will be civil and behave herself when she has to be around her, but she no longer loves Mo and feels burned. She thinks Mo’s problem is that she wants to spread it like PB&J for Big Fat John, and she is about ready to let them do it so Mo can get it out of her system. Yeah, I am pretty sure that’s not it, but no wonder Mo is talking to media far and wide about how awful So is and how Doritos is the only friend for her. She’s been banished, and no amount of gifted RAMONA Pinot Grigio is going to fix this.

Speaking of the party, Queen B is prepping by ordering her minions about. It seems one is assigned the role of Caviar Girl but has accidentally come costumed as Elsa. Let it Go, B! Surrounded by her Real Friends™, which includes Radzi, Queen B updates the assembled on who is coming, which includes Mo, Doritos, and The New Girl Julie Toothpick, who Beth shares is half-Asian not that it won’t take Julie more than 35 seconds to point that out herself. We’ll wait. Meanwhile, Mo bursts in shouting that she needs a margarita, a water, and a glass of RAMONA Pinot Grigio and she’s gotta tell them a story. Eyes roll.

Not invited to this gathering of loved ones are The Kountess and So, who are instead parked on a couch in some corner of the Viagra Triangle to go through Lu’s side of the same story, which is helpful as I didn’t watch last week. It seems that among the four dudes The Kountess has been giving the boots, for a spell last summer there was this weird gay dude that she made the mistake of going to Ibiza with on one of the two dates she admits to having with him, at which point she realized he’s a total freak show and she bailed. (But not without giving him a party favor.) Somehow this odd bird named “Rey” got himself invited to the party Doritos and BFJ had the previous episode, and when he went all Single White Male on the Kountess, with Mo’s encouragement, she fled.

Mo is of course also telling this story at The Queen’s new apartment, which in her version heavily emphasizes BFJ putting his big fat sweaty red hands way too close to Mo’s face as he kicked her out for stirring the shit, which led to a big embarrassing fight between Mo and Doritos. Julie Toothpick pipes up that this is really only half the story, that this weird Rey was scaring the crap out of the Kountess and Mo was on the wrong side of the situation. Ooops. Just then, here comes Doritos and Mo demands everyone shut it down.

Doritos is so damn furious with Mo that she really wants to run when she sees her perched on the ottoman, nervously hectoring Doritos about what appetizers to eat and whether she wants the caviar on a pancake or a spoon. Doritos and Beth go hide in a corner so they can have a Signature Emotional Moment and The Queen Can Help. Doritos shares that Mo’s behavior has unlocked her inner sadness, and that she’s struggling with her daughter Hannah’s “transition”. Wait, what? Dear God, I don’t feel we are adequately prepared for a sex change here. The Queen feels Doritos needs to take time out to take care of herself and that she is afraid of being alone so she’s sticking with BFJ out of a lack of alternatives. Which is probably true, but ain’t gonna change. Meanwhile, Mo nervously licks caviar off a blini that Julie Toothpick actually then eats. Radzi is totally grossed out.

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Doritos comes back to the group and treats Mo perfectly kindly which is far more generous of spirit than we ever see from this group, or any other franchise, and then announces that she’s going to have a holiday gathering at her home in the Berkshires and is going to invite everyone except So (and of course these randoms of The Queen’s). She’s decides that the tension between So and The Queen is undesirable, and if one has to choose between the two… on the other hand, The Kountess will be invited, which makes Radzi uncomfortable, but who gives a shit about her? Mo is allowed to come, and starts smooching Doritos’ behind immediately, which she ignores. The Secret Santa gifts are the aforementioned Thighmaster, a silver bird Christmas ornament for Doritos, and wine drinking eyeglass straws for Mo, perfect for chocolate milk, or Pinot Grigio. I don’t think Radzi or the randoms got anything.

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Morning dawns at the SoStone, and a couple of hours later Laverne and Shirley rise to shake off their hangovers and face the day. It seems the Kountess has been sleeping out at her mystery main man’s apartment and had to do the walk of shame that morning. Surely she could get a car service?

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It also seems that the heat is not on at the SoStone, whether by mechanical or financial failure, so the ladies put fur jackets and men’s slippers on over their lingerie to share a schmear in the kitchen and discover themselves written up in Page Six over the party fiasco, in an article that heavily references a certain dry cleaning business and an associated sweaty red man. Lu didn’t know Mo got thrown out of the party – ha! So is annoyed; why is she getting called out for her party fouls, when Mo’s the one getting tossed?

On that note, So and Doritos and their fanny packs go for a very short walk so Doritos can inform So that she is not being invited to the holiday sleepover in the Berkshires and will instead be invited separately for a quiet, alcohol-free nap or something. Why does Doritos always sit down like a linebacker who needs space for his junk? So unloads on Doritos how hurt she is by Mo and how that horrible two-faced bitch is always talking shit about her to the other girls. This is why Doritos is not going to invite So to the overnight; to “protect” So from this sort of shenanigans. So is “blown away”; she insists the girls like her and she’s the life of the party and Mo is ruining it so SHE should not be invited. But So also realizes that she blew it big time with The Queen by starting her ripoff prosecco line and the bread is not buttered on her side.

The Kountess invites a select group of friends, which conspicuously does not include her roomie So but does include Doritos and Julie Toothpick, to meet her Snuffelupagus boyfriend, Tom. Not that anyone needs to be introduced to Tom, because he’s been around, having previously dated Mo, now known as The Troublemaker, and apparently also known So biblically, but who hasn’t? And it was Doritos herself to introduced Tom and Lu by phone this past summer, when he swooned for her sexy phone voice. BFJ, who has a total hard-on under the table, giggles and wants to know if Lu’s voice came through the phone all “moist” on Tom’s cheek. CRICKETS. Anyway, they were introduced then but didn’t start dating until right before Thanksgiving and now they are inseparable. Which means they’ve been screwing for maybe three weeks at this point because it’s allegedly pre-Christmas still when this scene was filmed.

Off we go to the Berkshires! Mo is first to arrive with her ratty little dog and without having phoned ahead to have an HVAC unit rudely delivered. The Berkshires are Doritos’ “sanctuary”, and she does not want tension, so it’s really setting a bad tone that she has to spend a whole lunch alone with Mo at this point. And that was before Mo’s dog crapped all over the house.

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Doritos tells Mo about The Kountess’ Snuffleupagus boyfriend and Mo has her suspicions as to his secret identity, having clearly been jilted by him herself. She sniffs that it’s very uncool for Lu to be dating this man and not to have even inquired to see if Snufflupagus and Mo are still involved. I don’t think Mo seriously needs to be asking that question.

And so Mo sulks in the living room while The Kountess and Julie Toothpick arrive and are greeted by Doritos. The Kountess scolds Mo for her lack of manners and gives her a Kountess Klass in proper behavior when a guest arrives when you are also a guest. Julie shares that her dad is in the hospital which, combined with her nanny quitting, makes her feel like she’s losing herself. Oh dear you delicate flower. Also, Doritos mother made her a homemade birthday cake, which is cute.

Done scolding Mo, The Kountess lays into Doritos for not inviting So, who is “so upset”. Doritos is not budging on this one, because now that she’s a veteran she knows how to pick her lane and clearly So is marginally FOH this season. And if it was so wrong of her, why isn’t it wrong for Lu to have come and left her roomie behind? Lu, flustered, chatters about how there’s an applicable social exemption because it’s Doritos’ birthday, except it’s not. Oops. Doritos firmly believes it would not be good for So to be around “alcohol and tension”, meaning Queen B. Lu thinks they should be thrown into a cage match. Mo thinks so needs to take care of herself, stop with all the “silly” businesses, and eliminate all the untrustworthy people she surrounds herself with, which is about the most reasonable thing Mo Singer has ever uttered.

Just then, the Queen Herself blows in. Lu laughs that she’s copying the Kountess’ hair; The Queen narrows her eyes to slits and tells The Kountess that she’s copying the mantle. Queen B tells all that So is barraging her with texts; “you can imagine what it’s like for me,” pipes up Lu, which seems rather disloyal. Lu shares that she’s just living with So to keep her company and try to “mentor” her, which earns a barking HA HA HA from the Queen. “It’s the blind leading the deaf!” she howls. Lu is rightly offended. Beth insists she cannot be less threatened by So’s prosecco, but she’s furious that So tried to barnacle herself to Beth to get attention for herself. But of course so does Lu, who has told anyone who will listen that she gave The Queen the idea for Skinnygirl. Uh oh.

Next time: while So’s getting her nether regions zapped, Lu is taking it from all angles between Mo and The Queen. And Doritos finally snaps and throws all the bitches out! GO Doritos! Till then…

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Takes One to Know One 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 5 Recap

Why do animal problems only happen when the man of the house is elsewhere? Last Wednesday my kids and I spent 40 frantic minutes trying to scoot a giant – I mean like 5″ long – grasshopper out of the kitchen. It was like Jurassic Park. We finally did shoo it out, but by that time I was nearly too spent for RHONY. And what a bizarre and perplexing episode! It was like Festivus came early!

After so clearly thriving in each other’s company at the schmear, Radzi and Doritos are meeting Julie Toothpick for Asian food that only Doritos will really eat. Radzi seems somewhat ill at ease, whether that’s because she knows she was an asshole when last they met or whether it’s because this whole gathering is entirely contractually-obligated, who knows. But Julie explodes through the doorway, shattering into a million tiny toothpicks, plops down at the table, and begins to breathlessly unload her many grievances against Queen B. Which are: that Queen B was incredibly rude to come to Julie’s house, criticize her taste and renovation strategy, tell her how to spend her money, and pick apart Julie’s eating habits (or lack thereof). Yes! Yes! Yes! For God’s sake, she even made fun of your husband’s height a few weeks ago! She’s awful! But then Julie follows it up with a sniffy declaration that Queen B’s house is smaller and less valuable and that in fact the Queen is “new money” and she, Julie Toothpick, being OLD money, doesn’t know who the Queen thinks she’s looking down upon. NOOOOOOO! My God, woman, your money is what, ten minutes older? You had me until you started timing the receipts. LAWD.

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Doritos and Radzi skip right past the tacky and encourage Julie to have a tawk with The Queen. She’s very understanding, you know. And does not hesitate to apologize when she’s called out. That’s true, but she also tends to carry on exactly as she pleases anyway (not unlike someone else we know – AHEM MO SINGER), and her rude behavior at the schmear is pretty much Bethenny 1.0 so apology or not, Julie Toothpick should brace herself for more of the same.

Uptown at the SoStone, the aforementioned Mo is stopping by in honor of her divorce being final, and in order to tell So all the things she’s doing wrong. See, not only is So taking a small eternity to get over her forever-ago divorce, but she wasn’t invited to the Hamptons this weekend. So tries to claim she didn’t WANT to go because she was hanging out with her Snuffleupagus daughter or something, but Mo is not going to let her scoot out on this one: So was Unvited, because she’s a sloppy drunk and no one wants to be seen with her. So is like a deer in headlights. Mo insists she’s doing the loving true-friend thing, giving her dear, dear friend unsolicited advice just short of an intervention ON CAMERA. Somehow I don’t think So is going to easily breeze past this. And why need she? She has the Kountess moving in, like a modern day UES Laverne & Shirley! Mo is horrified: that Kountess is nothing short of a two-bit hooker, guzzling booze and spreading it like peanut butter and jelly uptown, downtown, all around. It’s the last thing So needs! They’re gonna do it!

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OK, so now the Skinnygirl and the skinny girl are going to have “lunch”. Which is basically going to be oxygen with air sauce, I can see it already. Julie is clearly terrified of the Queen and kicks things off by rambling and shambling until The Queen cuts her a break, tells her what an asshole she, The Queen, was, lists her own faults and missteps, and apologizes. There, doesn’t that feel better? Apparently it does, because out of nowhere Julie unloads a confession that in high school/college she had a raging case of anorexia that got her down to 80 lbs and forced her to drop out for a period of time.

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This news is, naturally, extremely emotional for The Queen. Because: her mother had an eating disorder! Not because she’s at all remotely concerned for her new almost-friend’s welfare, no. No, that horrible wolf who raised The Queen in nightclubs and hotel rooms didn’t eat. But whatever, they bond over this. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Next, Mo has her fellow single ladies, The Queen and Radzi, over for lunch at the Mopartment to prepare them for her upcoming birthday lunch. Mo wants Radzi to know that The Kountess is Koming, and Radzi don’t care. The Queen, however, is tweaked with The Kountess, and it’s all because this past summer when Queen B hosted her RHOBH crossover event dinner at which she was perfectly awful to Erika Girardi, The Kountess tried to wangle an invitation and was quite relentless about it. So there’s that ahead. On the other hand, things are now great between Queen B and that other skinny girl, which seems to tick Radzi off altogether. I think we’re feeling a little jealous.

Doritos and Julie Toothpick meet for pedicures.

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Julie is delighted to have taken Doritos’ advice and announces that she and Queen B have totally made nice and bonded over anorexia and everything is now terrific. Doritos is genuinely thrilled, and shares that she, too, has seen the light and decided she’s not bringing Big Fat John out anywhere with her again, because he’s an attention whore and a bear-poker and generally a force for destruction. Plus she won’t have to put out as much this way.

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Radzi attempts to Skype with The Help, who is in Ethopia making a movie. He’s doing what? I thought he was a chef? Whatever. Radzi gets all memorific about her days trotting the globe in search of news as a correspondent for ABC, and says she wants to enjoy this relationship with The Help while she can because she only has “a few good years left” and he wants to have kids, which is clearly not gonna happen with Radzi unless she hooks up with Janet Jackson’s doctor. But this Skype date is short-lived, because The Help has other stuff to do, like eat lunch and whatever, maybe screw another one of The Kountess’ nieces. Later.

It’s Turtle Time! I feel like we’ve been here before. And, we have! I think this is the very same venue that hosted Mo’s last birthday, and these are the same people, and their faces are just as taut as if they are tightly wrapped in Saran Wrap as they were last year. And, they are all wearing red. Adios, Ramona Blue! Only Queen B has changed, having cut her hair. Like, months ago. All the other ladies are fixated on the hair change and Beth is doing her perplexed, you-people-are-crazy-I’m-the-only-sane-one thing. Maybe, just maybe, they have nothing else to talk to her about and are trying to make nice.

Everyone progressively rolls in, including So, who was actually invited to something and arrives super-late and not entirely on dress code like she couldn’t be bawthered but made it from Gstaad on her flying unicorn just in time. Even later than So is Julie Toothpick, and the two are finally given their first introduction. Radzi refuses to let The Queen out of her sight for fear the Toothpick might come between them. Finally, The Kountess bursts in, blows past The Queen and The Actual Princess, and barrels in on Mo, to whom she presents a gift: it’s a necklace from the Kountess’ HSN kollection that she actually gave Mo months ago, but it immediately broke so Lu had it fixed. You’re welcome.

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The Kountess has another gift, in fact, and it’s not for Mo. No, she’s brought The Queen a very expensive monogrammed handbag, and bows down to present it. Why she didn’t bring this rather than a hula hoop to The Queen’s birthday barbecue I do not know, but The Queen is bewildered and Mo is personally offended. But it appears The Kountess can only supplicate one at a time, and knows what side her bread is buttered on.

The Queen takes The Kountess aside to tell her she’s really quite annoyed with her after she tried to crash her crossover event. Also, there have been other things. So she really doesn’t think they are really friends. The Kountess is astounded. She not only thinks they are BFFs, matching heart necklaces and all, but she considers The Queen FAMILY. Family she really needed having Noel finally go off to college and moving apartments and The Change and all that. So whether The Queen wants her or not, The Kountess wants The Queen, and so it shall be.

Finally, Mo’s new best and better friend, Doritos, arrives in a halo of sunshine and angel-singing. She’s completely tweaked with Mo for having been so perfectly awful about Big Fat John and embarrassing her by floating foul statements he made about Doritos’ ladybits on national television, and she thinks Mo is jealous of her amazing relationship. And she says all this pretending Mo is not sitting right next to her listening. Mo’s eyes widen, as only Mo’s eyes can widen without popping out of her head. But then, Doritos gets up and gives a truly lovely toast about how right after she was widowed, it was none other than Mo Singer who dragged her out of bed to attend her birthday lunch and be surrounded by all the friends who care for her, and so here they are to do the same for Mo upon her divorce which I hope we can stop talking about now. “To the ladies who lunch!” Doritos salutes. Ching ching!

Next time: Radzi hosts a psychic reading, and we all know how that’s gonna turn out. And it’s So’s birthday! Eat before you leave the house!

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“He’s Just Gross” 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 4 Recap

I’m back and ready to recap while some happy potheads wash my windows. We pick things up fresh off ‘the elderly’ fighting and sneaking smokes out on the sidewalk. You totally knew Doritos and Julie Toothpick smoked.

What I wasn’t expecting was a full on shot of Doritos’ motion control undergarments.  

That girdle does not look like Yummie Tummie to me.

Anyhoo, we’re out in the Hamptons and Queen B is hosting a festive “tailgate” party that involves no football, cars, or anything else generally involved in tailgating. It’s just a barbecue, and Queen B’s excuse to wear her pristine Timberland boots and fuzzy plaid jacket. She’s so, like, woodsy. And #blessed.

While the Queen lines up her Skinnygirl bottles and makes sure the labels all have ideal camera placement, Doritos and Big Fat John are returning from a “walk” to Julie Toothpick’s house. They are supposedly staying there, although upon entry they stop to admire the children’s piano in the front hallway which sort of begs the question whether they left this house in the first place. They are all going to hit the showers and then head over to The Queen’s country residence, even Big Fat John who Doritos fully expects to apologize for maligning The Queen and accusing her of stealing the Skinnygirl brand name from his friend who owns Skinny Cow. Which is TOTALLY NOT the same thing and there’s more than enough room in this world for both without any confusion whatsoever. I mean, God. It’s dairy for chrissake. Skinny Cow can have the whole market on dairy, I’m sure that’s fine with The Queen.

Radzi arrives at Queen B’s with her ratty looking dog, Baby, who needs a bath even more than Radzi does. I love her, but she needs to wash her hair. And her dog. Couldn’t she come up with a more clever name than Baby? Anyway, she’s first on the scene which offers a chance for her and Queen B to gossip about Doritos. They pity her because she’s in a “dramatic” (read: a hair shy of emotionally abusive) relationship, a subject The Queen intends to “back off” from because otherwise BFJ may commence litigation. Radzi is struggling with her own party anxiety because The Kountess is coming and they are still embroiled in a whole bunch of unnecessary social media blather about Radzi knocking boots with The Help.

Finally the short bus rolls up and a whole passel of guests pile out in cowboy boots and ponchos. The theme of this gathering seems to have engendered significant confusion. The Queen offers a signature beverage choice of Moscow mules in the appropriate copper mugs, or spiked hot chocolate, which she serves in disposable Skinnygirl paper cups. She couldn’t have come up with logoed coffee cups? Very earth-unfriendly.

Julie Toothpick and her tiny husband teeter in with Doritos and lumbering BFJ and immediately all four of them assume their uncomfortable positions, BFJ because he was not invited, Doritos because she still can’t sufficiently justify this relationship, and the Tiny Toothpicks because this party offers nothing but pork products. NOT Kosher. Queen B darts back and forth from the backyard booze hut to the front yard barbecue hut on wheels dramatically avoiding Big Fat John and chattering endless complaints about him to whichever minion is nearest. Radzi pities him because he’s all sweaty and misshapen. Queen B thinks he’s just gross. Doritos thinks The Queen should be nice to those she invited to her house, but that’s sort of the thing, because Big Fat John was not invited. But he wasn’t specifically NOT invited, and it’s not like Production really wanted Doritos to show up without her plus one because BFJ is sort of her storyline. The Kountess, on the other hand, came alone, late to make an entrance, and brought her hula hoop. Why do I suspect she uses that as a sex toy?

Having herded the hamsters back to the rear hut, The Queen races past BFJ clutching an armful of sticks and shouts that they are all going to make s’mores now and tear foreskins off marshmallows. The Jewish Tinys cringe, as do I. This is The Kountess’ chance to corner Radzi and have it out, insisting they both said “hurtful” things, or at least Radzi did and The Kountess did nothing unkind whatsoever during her months-long Twitter tirade about Radzi screwing The Help. Finally they agree to not be friends but be nice to each other when they see each other, which is modeling good choices for The Queen. And that’s enough s’mores and the anorexia parade dismounts the roasting zone. 

The Queen now realizes she’s been set up to look like the lone asshole left, so she takes Big Fat John aside to get it over with. They accuse each other of being “opportunists”; The Queen thinks Big Fat John is taking advantage of vulnerable Doritos, while BFJ thinks The Queen’s taking advantage of product placement opportunities.  I think they are both right and that it takes one to know one. This, of course, resolves nothing other than confirming there’s more than one asshole left, and afterward The Queen feels badly and decides she needs to issue a ceasefire decree for Doritos’ sake, gross as Big Fat John may be. He smiles and nods like a fat fed Cheshire cat and thinks he’s won. You just wait, BFJ. Your time will come.

Julie Toothpick has invited everyone to her place in The Hamptons for a morning schmear, and even though her place is technically in The Hamptons it’s like nine Hamptons over from Queen B’s country residence.
The Queen bitches and moans like the Tinys live in the worthless sticks, but I am pretty sure Water Mill is considered several steps above Bridgehampton, where The Queen parks it. But I don’t actually have any idea what I am talking about. I lust for The Queen’s roadster and wonder why it has Pennsylvania plates and no apparent Skinnygirl logo.

Queen B has hauled Radzi along with her and their plan is to make a break for it and go to lunch after. Then why come at all? Big Fat John opens the door for them and the Queen literally runs through like she’s having a bathroom emergency before parking her bony ham on a stool and commencing to pick apart all aspects of the Tinys fabulous, 20,000 square foot house. She scoffs at the lack of furniture, the seven year renovation plan, the indoor pool, the prospects for resale. Toothpick Julie narrows her eyes almost to the width of her thighs. Who is this bitch and why is she in her kitchen?

While the Tinys, Doritos, and Big Fat John brunch like normal people, Radzi and Queen B carry on like the brattiest pair of bitches this side of seventh grade, snarking about how Julie Toothpick doesn’t eat carbs (or anything), loudly plotting to make a break for it, and hoping allergic BFJ gets stung by the bee that’s in the house. Finally The Kountess shows up with “Paul”, who stayed for breakfast, and Mr. Tiny invites them all on a tour. We get as far as the indoor pool before the mean girls run for it, nearly sliding into dog poop as they flee, howling with laughter. Because they are just SOOOO funny, these two! Mortifyingly rude. Someone needs a lesson from The Kountess.

Next time: Julie Toothpick takes on The Queen; Mo explains to So why she’s being cut out; and it’s Mo’s birthday! She’ll get turtle tanked if she likes it!

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That’s IT! 💎 Announcing the RHOBH Strike

Another season of Housewives, another abandonment on my part. The only guilt I feel is for letting you all down. But come ON, people: have any of us been enjoying this?

Three weeks later and I am still jacked up like this:

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It’s killing me, smalls. With the wheels hanging off, I actually watched and took notes and photos on the third-to-last episode of RHOBH, got it 95% written, never finished it, and never mustered the energy or will to watch what was left of the season. For a couple of reasons:

1) last Wednesday, when I was really struggling with many things not the least of which was the situation pictured above that just exacerbates everything, I was unloading my Festivus list of complaints during my Wednesday KidTaxi Service when Big quite reasonably attempted to help by suggesting I get a hobby. A HOBBY?! For fuck’s sake!

But I realized he’s entirely right: I do have hobbies – lots of them! – and I am not getting to enjoy them in the least. Writing, and writing this blog, is my most favorite hobby. It gives me a great deal of satisfaction to express my thoughts, but it’s time consuming and takes a fair amount of commitment, and when the content is largely writing about a pack of ridiculous women, that content needs to carry a lot of appeal for me to push aside all the things that need to be done and matter to everyone else in my immediate household and general vicinity in order to divert the time and attention to such amusements as a pure hobby.

2) Which is ultimately the problem: as with last season of RHOC, there has been nothing whatsoever appealing, nor any amusement, with this season of RHOBH. What’s more, there hasn’t even been anything resembling Real in all the goings-on among these “real” “Housewives”. The whole drama surrounding everything Yo-related this season is as frustrating to me as everything involving Donn2 last season, in no small part because the whole storyline is so contrived. Not the “is she sick” thing, but the way it’s playing out.

The whole crisis between the Lisas about what exactly LVP said and what she was trying to do boils down to this: these women, especially the veteran women, line up off camera to tee up storylines. You know they do! They talk about what’s going on, and the SMART ones who have been at this rodeo a while get their stories in order and their allegiances lined up so that they – hopefully – stay on the sunny side of the street and get to gawk. The newer ones, like Lipsey, start to catch on to some degree, but unless they are hard-core into the kool-aid of the other ladies or there purely to craft themselves into some form of Bethenny 2.0 and actually have a fairly well-developed idea of what that is going to be, usually find themselves along the sidelines wearing some of the flung poop.

Two seasons ago in the OC, it was Tammy and Heather and painfully naive new Housewife Shannon, whose social awkwardness with not just the existing ‘Wives but also her own, wayward husband found herself teed up unawares. Last season, Shannon got smart enough to know how to play the game, and while the OG Vic was distracted by the skeeve she couldn’t shake plopped her straight into the blender, capably operated by brand-new and not-stupid ‘Wife Meghan.

This season in BH, I am certain LVP and Kyle were engaged in plenty of snarky sideline conversation about Yo, and that Lipsey was present for or part of plenty of it. So when she popped up in her swank bell-bottoms to announce that her colorist had mentioned this sort of weird array of symptoms and behavior could be something called Munchausen’s Syndrome, it was like LVP won The Price Is Right! Come on down! And off she went to draw Lipsey into the discussion of how to play this out – which, because it breaches the fourth wall, cannot be incorporated directly into the on-camera discussion. But Lipsey, stupidly, failed to appreciate that not only was this her opportunity to get on the NoYo bus with her best-option girls, but that if she tried to fight it, she’d eventually get run over. And that’s exactly what happened.

And that’s why I am so annoyed with this show: it’s not enough to wade past all the stuff that goes unsaid but talked around which is, largely, the plotting and intentionality that goes into arranging oneself as a “Housewife”. It’s really, fiercely irritating when what they ARE doing is not only not aspirational, not silly, not funny, not fun, but worst of all FIGHTING about the plotting and intentionality they are not supposed to be talking about. I really have better things to do than take the time to watch, digest, and analyze that. They are bullcaca people professionally selling bullcaca, and I am not buying.

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So: I’m done with RHOBH, and OC too. They both desperately need a full-flung recast on a regular basis to keep things fresh and, literally, real, and if they aren’t going to do it, I’m not bothering with it. I want to write more, again, about more not-TV stuff. And I am optimistic for this season of RHONY and will give it a go; I’m honestly sort of enjoying watching Queen B self-destruct in the likability department, and the three things New York has always had in spades are ridiculousness, legitimate wealth and access, and New York itself. And being on Wednesdays gives it a much better chance to find an open spot on my schedule. So again, I am truly sorry for letting you all down. I can’t do it all, but I’ll do what I can.

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 “Muu Muu Converted” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 17 Recap

After months of inconsistency, you are about to receive a reasonably timely RHOBH recap, thanks to this:

 

Please ignore the mess.

I sprained my knee in a freak night-terror incident the other day, so I’ll be on hiatus from regular activity for a while here. What better distraction than these ridiculous broads from the BH?

We’re still in NYC for the Global Lyme Gala, and a gentleman is here to enhance Yo’s classic Dutch beauty with what I assume to be spackle made from strictly organic beets and cacao pods. Yo hasn’t had makeup on for 11 months nor has she had Botox in three years. AND she’s been in that ratty bathrobe for the last 14 months! At first I thought she’d said she has been in the bathroom for 14 months which I am sure one would feel was the case if you had a foot-long worm in your intestine as Yo has told us she has.

Yo is the star of this event and she’s getting by with just one makeup man and the daylight streaming through a window. Erika Jayne, on the other hand, requires the assistance of a crew of two that follow her everywhere, and significant professional-grade equipment. Meet Laurentius and Priscilla. I am sure they were born with those names. Spackling completed, it’s time for the requisite Erika Jayne Instagram post. She feels mounting this coffee table will show off her assets to their most flattering effect.

Which is when Kyle, in her super-prim school uniform Mumsie dress, enters from behind.

If they weren’t true blue BFFs before they are now.

So off we got to the Cipriani for the Global Lyme Alliance Gala for 600 people. It’s a beautiful space but confusing to me as I always assumed the Cipriani was some sort of restaurant and not a giant event hall. Maybe I am confusing it with Le Cirque. Anyway, Joe Jonas is here because at the time he was Darling Gigi’s boyfriend, and Yo is delighted to see him even though if I had a daughter that is NOT the Jonas I would leave my child alone with. Also here is Tommy Hilfiger because apparently his daughter Ally also has Lyme and is also getting an award. Did anyone besides me watch Rich Girls on MTV about ten years ago, where Ally and her lesser known BFF caroused about living large? Apparently Ally has had Lyme since she was SEVEN years old and was not diagnosed until she was 21 and now considers herself cured. Good for her!

Yo’s award is, of course, presented by her most favorite child, Gigi, and in her acceptance speech Yo thanks her “courageous” (if soon-to-flee) husband GHDF for his actions that speak louder than words and for standing by her during this romance-free saga, and her #2 and #3 children, who, she reveals, also have Lyme.

Kyle, predictably, reacts with tears, and deflection. How could she even have been in the ROOM with that horrible Lipsey Rinna who has cast such cruel doubt on Yo’s journey? Oh, and don’t forget that Lady Pump, she was in there, too! Erika hopes that Yo’s speech will close the door on doubt or misunderstanding. Kyle says yes, she is not going to permit any further conversations about Yo and her health crisis. That’ll last.

(Oh, and also: Yo tells Kyle that in fact #2 and #3 didn’t want her talking to people about them having Lyme, but as a mother “you will do anything”. Presumably this means anything to get them healthy, even if it means calling attention to them when they don’t want it. Presumably this also means that if Mo, as their father, declined to share that information with others, or if he never was told in the first place, then perhaps others’ confusion and/or repeating his denial, as Lady Pump did, isn’t all that ill-intended, no?)

Speaking of Lady Pump, she has to go to London to get her passport renewed on the fly in order to go to Dubai. As a Housewife she isn’t better prepared than this? Before she goes, she presents poor neglected Max A BRAND NEW CAR! Come on down, Max Pump! He’s been working hard and bussing tables like a pro, which actually he is, so she’s happy to upgrade his ride to this sleek black Jeep Wrangler. In which he will promptly smoke. Lady Pump Loves You!

Back in LA, it’s time to pack for our upcoming Housewives Field Trip. This is proving to be very difficult for Lipsey Rinna, who is trying to sort out what ten outfits to take, whether she can or cannot wear a bikini, how she is going to keep that little birdie from flying up, and whether or not Harry Hamlin can manage the schedule for the little Hams while she is away. Eileen, meanwhile, is performing chiropractic work on Vinny so he doesn’t get all jacked up throwing away her old lady lamps while she’s out of town.

Erika Jayne, of course, is not coming alone. No, she’s bringing her full glam squad plus their support staff, and also a published and bound “look book” of all her outfit options, plus accessories. Why does she need the look book if she is bringing the committee? Regardless, no the other ladies don’t know she’s bringing an entourage, so these poor fools are going to be stuck making the 24-hour flight to Dubai back with the chickens.

The ‘Wives, meanwhile, are flying Delta One, which is apparently Delta’s first class operation. At LAX it naturally has its own entrance and celebrity passenger storage area.

Erika Jayne has dressed in favor of comfort, which makes sense, and has chosen a sequin Tweety sweatshirt, which does not.

Eileen, meanwhile, has elected to dress as a farmer.  

And away they go!

Yo is, of course, staying behind in LA. Because she is (a) sick, as we ALL KNOW, (b) packing up the Yo Chateau for good, and (c) entertaining a visit from the banished Glands. who quite mysteriously now looks like a longer version of Adrienne Maloof of all people.

The Glands giraffes on in and makes herself at home in Gigi My Beloved’s room. After catching up a bit on The Glands’ Tinder activities (dating likeable men with short arms), married life with GHDF (for now, they continue to be “making lemonade”), and #2’s relationship with The Weeknd (who can’t feel his face) it’s Yo’s big chance to throw Lipsey Rinna into the yawning mouth of the Glands Cannon, sharing that Lipsey was all bent out of shape that Yo had lunch with Kim and The Glands, and also that she said Yo has Munchausen’s. Which isn’t exactly what she said, but anyway. The Glands thinks wig glue is affecting Lipsey’s brain and that she needs to eat something and stop “preying on the weak”. I kind of think Lipsey’s problem is that she is the weak one.

Anyway: Dubai. They are shacking up at the Atlantis Palm Dubai, which basically looks like the Caribbean Atlantis we’ve all seen in commercials except the bridge connecting the two buildings is all exotic Aladdin’s Lamp-shaped. It’s very Vegas, and very remote from downtown Dubai. I mean, it’s dark! Where is all the big city that Dubai is famous for?

Kyle, our Hostess, talks very loudly and slowly to the gal at check-in, who nods and books her into a $40K-a-night suite with Lady Pump in response. Lipsey and Eileen are getting their own rooms (Eileen’s being underwater), while Erika Jayne has to bunk with Kathryn. Where are her manservants going to go? Rollaways in the lounge?

Apparently these broads are not the least bit tired because off they go to refresh and put on their caftaniest caftans for dinner. Kyle’s is, of course, Kyle’s Technicolor Dreamcaftan.

But she’s got nothing on Lady Pump, who is full-on Elizabeth Taylor.  Just putting her hair up makes her look ten years younger. Mr Pump should try it!  Not everyone got the message, though, specifically Kathryn, who is denied a second cheek kiss by Kyle before being sent off to change out of the ugly brown librarian dress she wore. They sit down on the floor like real Dubaians to eat hummus and baba ghanoush, and Kyle, who not ten minutes ago announced she was going to put an absolute halt to any further discussion of Yo’s health, immediately brings up Yo, saying she wishes Yo’s health would have permitted her to come.

Erika pipes up that she wishes Lipsey was at the big gala to get the hammer dropped on her bony ass all her questions answered. Lipsey responds that she never doubted that Yo was ill, but she questions whether Yo uses it to her advantage to shield herself from people and blame and accountability for her choices. I’m not sure what “choices” she’s talking about, and Erika demands to know if Lipsey really thinks Yo would choose to miss her daughters at Fashion Week if she didn’t have to. Lipsey says that’s her opinion. Erika thinks she’s wrong, and would find it tiring to be so pointlessly opinionated.

Eileen, of all people, AGREES. She doesn’t get Lipsey’s deal about Yo being all manipulative or why it’s still a “thing”. Lady Pump pipes up that it’s a big deal that Lipsey is in the dog house but Kim and The Glands, who are worser offenders (for God’s sake, The Glands called #2, then a minor, an alcoholic, on television), are not. That’s right, says Lipsey, she feels held to a higher standard than those bitches. Which: she should be! In what universe other than Bravo Universe would those three occupy the same category? Erika says that Yo texted to ask if she could bail on the dinner because she had expended all her energy on Kim and The Glands, Erika said it was fine, the end. Lipsey then asks how she felt about that dinner party after all, and Erika says it sucked, thanks! And off they go to the terrace for a toast, Kyle not having made a single peep to shut this shitshow down.

Next time: camels, walruses, and hookahs, oh my! And it’s Lipsey and Eileen against the mean girls.

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“We Should Be Honest About That” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 16 Recap

As we continue to experience Much Ado About Lyme Disease, our fearless journeywoman Yo FaceTimes her favorite child, the lovely Gigi, to check in on her most recent modeling experience. Who is this tiny person escorting Yo down the aisle in the wedding photo in the background?

Is that Paul Williams, who I remember well from his many appearances on The Love Boat?

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Very peculiar. Anyway, Yo is still largely confined to the YoCondo, but she’s venturing out to New York in two weeks to give a big speech at some Global Lyme event, and she hasn’t written her speech. GHDF doesn’t know why she doesn’t give the one she gave the last time, but times have changed and she needs to update using her one unscrambled brain cell. I, too, am operating on one unscrambled brain cell these days so I feel her plight. Anyway, all “the girls” are invited, so we’re at least getting out onto one slightly interesting Housewives Field Trip this season.

Meanwhile, Kathryn has realizes she’s shouting at people and is getting hearing aids. She is immoderately excited about this, as is Mr. Kathryn who is hoping she’ll dial it down now. Kathryn realizes she needs to apologize for being so loud and obnoxious at the Girardis’ recent dinner and blames her deafness. I think the solo pre-party she seems to have had before leaving the house may also have played a role. Kathryn looks entirely too much like another loud, brassy Housewife prone to throwing legs for my personal taste.

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Camille Grammer is having a jewelry fundraiser for endometrial cancer at the fabulous Chateau Camille which she has still been unable to unload. Yo has gotten up and out for this affair because she “shares a journey” with Camille, who as we recall was treated for endometrial cancer a few years ago and got into a nasty physical fight with her “Greek god” boyfriend in the middle of it all. Camille is showing a lotta skin and her still tight Barbie physique tonight. Yo is looking alarmingly House of Cards.

So of course all the other women are invited and Lipsey is uncomfortable being around Yo, who she doesn’t trust, whereas Kathryn is so comfortable with Lady Pump that she’s taken to calling her new friend “Pumpy”. Lady Pump sure does look like she’s pumped something up.
My lands!

So at the party they all end up in a corner nibbling out of Chinese takeout boxes, and Yo picks up a bad vibe from Lipsey using her newfound, Lyme-bestowed Spidey sense and confronts her. Lipsey gets all whimpery that she saw Kimmy Richards’ photo of herself and The Glands and Yo from brunch the day of the night that Yo bailed on the Girardis dinner party and is upset. Yo snaps back that she went to a belated birthday lunch with her much more devoted friends, and then ran out of gas and that’s that. Which seems fair enough to me, but Lipsey keeps whining about Kimmy hashtagging the photo with “#realfriends”, to which Yo responds that she didn’t post the photo so don’t blame her for the hashtags.

Apparently what we are experiencing here are “trust issues” between Lipsey and Yo, who really doesn’t appear to give a shit or so much as a single lemon. Lipsey is frustrated; she felt this was her one chance to address the recluse, and surprise, surprise, you can’t speak your mind with anyone who is sick. Yo, Lipsey declares, can “get away with anything”. Anything? Hmm. Lady Pump puts an end to this silliness by pointing out that Erika doesn’t care so why should Lipsey? Lipsey continues to pout that “something false” is going on.

Well, enough about that, everyone goes home and the next night or some other time Rumbly Mauricio convenes a dinner al fresco at the Malibu Cafe to thank everyone for coming out to help at his Habitat build. Everyone but Yo and Eileen are there, and Kyle is super excited to invite them all on a “girls trip” to Dubai, from which Mauricio has just returned. Yay, let’s go to Dubai, where we will have our passports retained upon arrival and can vacation under constant surveillance and in fear of accidentally breaching the moral code.

Did you know Lady Pump loves dogs? She does. She LOVES DOGS. And she’s very upset that there’s a city in China where they eat dogs at an annual festival, so she’s going to host a protest. And she’s getting a little ticked off because everyone is bailing on showing up, specifically Eileen, who wants to enjoy a “day off” for a change. Lady Pump snarks that she, too, would like a day off. However, I think Eileen lives a lot further away from the protest site so maybe she could be slightly more understanding. The whole thing devolves into a bunch of bickering about whether or not Lady Pump is manipulative and whether or not Yo called Lipsey “bipolar” and whether Eileen’s direction to Yo and Lipsey to “hug it out” was premature. This is basically all the squabbling I’ve skipped the past few weeks so I really don’t get it or care. The dinner ends with Lady Pump and Kyle telling Lipsey she’s a “follower”, whereas they LEAD. And Kyle is going to lead them all to Dubai, kids!

Protest time!

Lipsey, Kathryn, and Kyle come and they march straight down Wilshire Boulevard on a Sunday morning when absolutely not a soul is around, and accidentally stage their protest in front of a church before realizing the Chinese embassy is on the next block. I thought this was “Kyle’s town”; doesn’t she know where she is? And does she know she’s looking just like Morticia Addams?
An unfortunate soul hoists Lady Pump onto his shoulders so she can shout through a bullhorn and he looks like he’s being crushed. Dogs are saved, we hope.

Enough of that, it’s time to go to New York! Mr. Girardi is going to jet them there on his way somewhere else, so with that opportunity you know Kyle isn’t gonna miss it. Nor is Kathryn, who really barely knows Yo but she’s coming anyway. She apologizes to Mr. Girardi for being obnoxious and drunk at his dinner party and he waves her off and goes and sits someplace else.

Meanwhile, the outcasts Lipsey and Eileen meet up at a luggage store to whisper about the Mean Girls. They are excited and terrified to be going to Dubai, and it’s unclear whether it’s all about the culture, or at least partly about their companions. Eileen thinks she and Lady Pump just “don’t get each other” (you don’t say!), whereas Lipsey feels invisible. Eileen says she has no balls and Lipsey agrees. She’s plain intimidated, and feels like the scapegoat. This trip is gonna be GREAT!

They’ve arrived in New York and the Fosters are at least pretending to be staying in the “Martin Katz Suite” of the Lotte Hotel. Yo propels GHDF down the stairs to perform his remaining marital duties at a cocktail party to receive the people who have come to celebrate Yo at her Lyme event. She needs to get new bras now that she’s removed the enhancements.

In an enchanting display of marital unity, Yo takes to the baby grand to pluck out “Frere Jacques” before her overwhelmingly talented and genius husband chimes in and takes it up a level. They are just so charming and perfect, the Fosters!  A hooker, a transvestite, and a gnome stroll down the hallway to join them.

This hallway may look ordinary, but behind that door there is some MAGIC. Yes, jeweler Martin Katz has installed various of his more extravagant pieces in aquariums and the like throughout the suite, and guests can just phone up room service to purchase! Ta da!

Because Yo has been “locked up” indoors for so long, she wants to go out to the terrace to ooh and ahh at the skyline. It is indeed magnificent. GHDF toasts that he’s so happy his wife is out of her ratty bathrobe after 10 months. Health Advocate Daisy weeps. Yo toasts to friendship, to survival, and to GHDF for sticking it out. Actions speak louder than words, she declares, but two seconds later the words speak pretty loudly when GHDF is caught just off camera telling a friend that while it may look like he and Yo are back to where they started their relationship, how are they actually going to make that happen? And of course we know how that turned out.

Next time: we’re going to Dubai, kids! Well, all of us except Yo, who is going to hang out with her #realfriends.

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“Let’s Go To SUR!” “Let’s Not!” 🍹 Pump Rules Season 4 Finale Recap

It’s over already?!

I think the last time I watched VPR was when Jax was on the crapper, on camera. After that travels and life and the need for sleep overcame my commitment to stay up till all hours watching this sordid mess. Did I miss anything? Well, apparently I missed the descent into felonious activities in Hawaii, several peculiar choices of swimwear, and Horschak and K1 re-infecting each other with communicable itch. So, not much. 

Jax returns home from a return trip to Hawaii, where during a 20-minute layover he got his sunglass-stealing charges knocked down from a felony to a misdemeanor with probation attached. He has not slept, has not changed his underwear or his bra, there’s construction in the area, and he takes all this out on poor, underage BritNee who has too much stuff in the closet and has failed to secure them new living quarters in the last 24 hours. Jax is mean. He needs to be getting something out of this relationship. He hasn’t felt peace since prison. Was that peace he felt in prison? It could have been anything, this being Jax. BritNee needs to RUN.

Jax heads off to SUR where we basically catch up on everything I missed: Horshack hasn’t been drinking for two weeks; ShayNaché and Ariana are not BFFs; K1 called BlahBlah a “ratchet whore”, whatever that is, and despite BlahBlah’s like-o-meter descending as precipitously as her makeup coverage accumulates, she’s still somehow invited to the 2’s upcoming “lace and linen” themed engagement party. Lady Pump strolls in and demands to know of Jax how his court deal went. He tells her, she snips at him for not taking the whole thing more seriously, he yells and her and rolls his eyes. BritNee’s not the only chick he can’t be bothered with.

The 2’s are planning their engagement party for where else? Yes, the Palais du Pump, of course. Lady Pump says it’s okay so long as it’s in the side yard, down the hill, between where they store the trash cans and the manure pile. The 2’s are DIYing this leather and lace shitshow and forgot to provide any shade at all, so Lady Pump begrudgingly permits usage of her patio umbrellas.

The whole gang’s invited! Including BlahBlah! But not including K1 or Lady Hitler, who are BFFs again (I guess I missed Lady Hitler Returns, too) and who are going to crash.

The theme results in some truly hideous getups. Here’s BritNee and her new flotation devices in a special romper from the Blanche Deveraux for Ross collection:

This is K2’s grandma:  T2 has changed out of his nautical stripes into a ratty t-shirt. Is that a candy necklace?  

And, here comes BlahBlah, with Mary J. Blige.

BlahBlah has consumed 14 mimosas by her own count in anticipation. She’s loaded for bear.

The guests play cornhole and someone tends an inferno on a grill out of DeliveranceT1 fans himself delicately while Ariana blows bubbles.

The crashers arrive and are greeted warmly by T2 and his candy necklace. He’s pretending K1 doesn’t smell.

Lady Pump is not convinced. Holy hell, what is K2 wearing? And why do all the girls have the same hairdo my sister and our family Maltese wore daily circa 1982?

Jax was also apprised of a nautical theme. Ahoy, man bunster!   

The crashers take the stage to give a long-winded, pointless speech about how boring the 2s are which makes them perfectly suited for each other. BlahBlah gets bored and starts heckling.   

So that’s about that and off they go to SUR so they can all get even more poleaxed and T1 can subject them to a musical “performance”. They all roll in and Ariana and ShayNaché sit down for a wine summit about how ShayNaché has been talking about Ariana behind her back with anyone who will listen. Why does she need to be popular and friends with everyone? ShayNaché crumples into a puddle of crocodile tears scaled to her Gremlin eyes. She really not friends with the Ks or Lady Hitler after all, and she needs Ariana back. Can they be BFFs again? And, scene.

So everyone’s slagging and snogging and electric sliding to the musical stylings of besuited T1 and getting along great. Well, mostly. Horshack is still not befuggered, at least not on alcohol. He’s smoked three joints and eaten a whole baking dish of pot brownies instead. BlahBlah is off her pickle, even more than K1, who she confronts about having called her a “ratchet whore” with a whole lot of finger wagging and even a shove. But that goes nowhere, so Horshack shouts at K1 a string of profanity and tries to bait Jax into punching him which also doesn’t happen. So Horshack and BlahBlah stagger off into the sunset, alone and mutually steampigged.

After taking a nice, deep breath of unpolluted oxygen, Lady Pump takes a moment with Jax to tell him she thinks he and Lady Hitler were meant for each other. He furtively checks to make sure BritNee didn’t hear that and strolls over to make nice with his “last healthy relationship” partner. What has Lady Hitler done to her lips?

They did not used to look like that.

Anyway, let the reminiscing begin. These two started this group, you guys! They have such memories! And they no longer give a shit about each other so why not be cordial. Jax wants to know why Lady Hitler came back; his theory is she got dumped by her perfect, adult boyfriend and needed to “crawl back in” due to lack of other options. Lady Hitler is conspicuously silent. Jax leaves it at that and takes BritNee home, nicely. Lady Hitler returns to the Ks and says she doesn’t want to just be back for the party. She wants to be back to resume her position as head bitch in charge, you guys.

And so that’s that. I don’t think I missed much, and no doubt next season will be more of the same even if this episode sounded tied up in a neat little bow like the finale of Happy Days. ‘Til then, this one’s for you tonight.

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“That Orangutan” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 10 Recap

After a goodly amount of time spent raising much-needed cash for my kids’ schools the last week plus, I’m back to wasting brain cells on the trivial issues of a bunch of humorless, overindulged nitwits on the west coast. Last week Eileen schmaltzily dumped her dear deceased sister’s ashes off a balcony and down the side of a cliff (and possibly down the shirt of one or two passersby below); Lady Pump spilled the beans that Mo Hadid says #2 and Anwar are perfectly healthy, at least as far as he knows; and Kathryn and The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, who is about to get a new nickname, had their first face-to-orange-face encounter despite their lives being inextricably entwined 20+ years ago when OJ first brought us the Kardashians. So much to thank him for.

At the Palais du Pump, Kyle is swinging over to collect Lady Pump for a field trip to plan their mutual anniversary party, but not before Lady Pump is going to snap her head off for inviting That Orangutan to the not-the-least-bit-casual catered event involving some grilled foods Kyle tried to pass off as a “barbecue” last week. Barbecues involve children, dogs, and husbands manning the grill. This was basically a She-show all about seeing what each other was wearing and not eating. Not a BBQ. Anyway, Kyle fully intends to invite That Orangutan to the anny party, so Lady Pump demands to know how Kyle’s gonna feel when Lady Pump invites “Witchypoo” to the party, too. Who is Witchypoo? Oh, that Carlton person from several seasons ago?

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Not THAT Carlton. This one:

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Gawd, I’d forgotten how truly ghastly that woman looks. I can’t wait for her to show up so we can compare her rock-hard tatas and collapsing face to Lipsey, who is holding up so much better and I think might actually be older.

Anyway, off they go, bickering all the way, to check out an old hotel as a possible site for their shared “Moulin Rouge”-style dual anniversary party (the Umanskys’ 20th; the Pumps’ 33rd). Because nothing says Marital Bliss Forever like absinthe and premature death crossed with over-the-hill bags dolled up in trashy rental costumes. Free your Lady Marmalade!

Speaking of trashy costumes, Erika Girardi visits Yo in the ‘Bu and they go for a walk. Per Yo, this is her first walk, her first venture OUTSIDE, since she became ill. Or at least since three episodes ago when Erika and Yo walked ten feet with Kyle in a park. Yo is ALIVE, y’all, and ready to shout it from the rooftops like she’s in a James Cameron movie. Are her explanted boobs being intentionally blurred out? This is more than just weak cell phone shots of my TV here.

They walk, they sit, their butts get wet, and Erika silkily spills the beans that after Yo left the Not-B-Q last week, “someone” whose name might rhyme with Dump – OKAY, it was Lady Pump! – said that #2 and Anwar don’t have Lyme Disease. Yo is shocked. Erika helpfully loops Kyle into this mess, and more helpfully fails to clarify that Lady Pump was answering someone’s question what #2 and Anwar’s dad Mo has to say about them having Lyme. (And whether Mo is outright disputing Yo’s claim of diagnosis or just hasn’t spoken of it is also rather relevant.) Yo announces that rather than talking about her peculiar illness, these bitches ought to be out there waiting on her hand and foot like Florence Nightingale. I think expecting any friend to empty your bedpan is a wee bit beyond reasonable. Also, why didn’t Erika’s makeup gay do something about the mascara smudged all over her lids?
Yo, of course, is not wearing any. Makeup is toxic, and takes away from the I’M SICK effect.

Later, Lipsey swings out to Pasadena to check out the GirardiDome and consult on how exactly to get back into the grace of Yo, who she has offended by “engaging in chatter” about Munchausen’s Syndrome. Best dressed BH ‘Wife, for sure.
You just cannot go wrong in DVF and Erika Girardi might want to think about that because she’s wearing a leopard print jumpsuit from Boston Proper and and I do not have the faintest idea why.

No excuse. I just think Erika could do better by our eyeballs. We deserve better.

Erika takes Lipsey on a house tour and Lipsey oohs and ahhs at the “old money done right” vibe. I think it looks like a hotel, personally, with the exception of The Chapel.

Oh, and also the neon nudie portraits of Erika in most every room. I’d call this all “new money spent widely”. But whatever, at least it’s furnished, unlike some of the living arrangements we’ve seen on many a Housewife franchise. Lipsey thinks Lady Pump’s house looks like a “disco” by comparison which is not exactly accurate, except to the extent that Lady Pump’s house looks like a lot more FUN.

Erika escorts Lipsey to the patio/lanai/veranda/promenade with its new Cost Plus throw pillows on the outdoor couch, and presents a vast buffet that goes untouched as Lipsey nervously makes her case about how she got Munch’ed. Lipsey correctly points out that Yo puts information and images out there, and people respond and react. (Yes.) And that someone – who goes unidentified but I suspect WHO that someone is might be a very crucial and controversial detail – reacted by starting a conversation with Lipsey along the lines that maybe Yo isn’t sick, maybe it’s Munchausen’s, and Lipsey “engaged” in that conversation/speculation. And now she’s turribly turribly contrite. Erika tells Lipsey to just tell Yo that and she’ll be forgiven. And they all just need to “get over it”, because there’s no point in belaboring the Yognosis any further. Whether the underlying problem is leaky bags of rubbery plastic or nibbly ticks, something has got her.

So off Lipsey goes to her next stop on the Lipsey Rinna Apology Tour, the YoCondo. Yo greets Lipsey, bearing the gift of George Clooney’s fancy tequila (which they all drank at the cocktail gathering after the Hero Dogs excursion, too – are we placing a product? And just how does Lady Pump feel about that?) which Yo instantly declines. She is too sick for tequila shots, thank you. Also, it’s before noon.

So they sit with coffee in Yo’s kitchen, and Lipsey starts going down the same explanatory route she did with Erika about how it all started with the selfies Yo posts on Instagram all day every day. “And why do you think I do that?” snaps Yo, before going into some ramble about ‘Hollywood’ friends as opposed to what one assumes are ‘real’ friends, and I don’t really know what the point she’s making here is meant to be unless it’s along the lines of Lipsey deciding which one she’s gonna be. I feel like a lot of this conversation got edited out, but eventually Lipsey makes her profuse apology with a whole lotta acknowledgments of her flaws, which earns her a snap that she should “stop judging until she’s perfect”. Funnily enough, I do feel I know a Dutch gal who does a fair amount of judging herself. But she’s, as we know, a smart, powerful woman. Just ask her.

Let’s move on to the Anny Party! As inappropriate as I think it is for 45+ year old women to be frolicking in fancy underpants in mixed company, it seems even more so for a 45 year old MOM to be asking her 1st grader how she looks in her getup. But Lil’ Portia is Kyle’s second best accessory (after her hair, of course).

Some looks were more successful than others. The Pumps somehow managed to end up looking like The Ostrich and The Penguin.  

Erika just looked like she does on Thursdays. This is the weirdest vehicle. What’s with the scalloped second row jump seat that Kathryn’s husband is all squnched up in? Also, I am having a hard time believing he’s in his mid-30s. I don’t think he grows facial hair yet.

Lipsey looked HAWT and babe-a-licious, but how can she not with that body? That ain’t just yoga.

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Tay Armstrong, however, looked like death warmed over. A poor choice since we all already associate her with death and I think she wants us to forget all that. Also, why is she here? 

So this celebration of marital bliss involves Camille performing her weird strip club dance moves, lots of boobies nearly escaping their containment systems, and many, many splits from Kyle.

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At least it does not involve So Morgan’s bruised ass.

Eventually, That Orangutan shows up. Lady Pump greets her frostily, but politely. Soon after Lady Pump and Kyle take a break on a weird couch to catch their breaths and pop a Geritol, and Kyle pats Lady Pump on the back for being nice enough to That Orangutan. Kathryn, who is sitting on the other end of this bench, breaks in and pipes up that she doesn’t see why ANYONE has to be nicer to That Orangutan than That Orangutan was to anyone else in capitalizing on tragedy and destroying relationships for self-promotional purposes.

Kyle, is, as always, aghast, and as there’s really nothing she can say to defend Faye or controvert any of Kathryn’s assertions, she resorts to getting mad at Lady Pump for failing to back her up. She thinks Kathryn was rude at Kyle’s own party and Lady Pump should have forced her to behave. Lady Pump sniffs and tells Kyle she’s a big girl, if she wants to hang with deeply polarizing bitches then she can deal with the consequences. Kyle gets all threatening about how the last time Lady Pump liked a new girl more than Kyle she got all Glandzed and we know how that turned out. Child, please. Not the same.

Next time: Erika brings everyone to her “show” in San Diego, where The Yo Strikes Back.

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“I Just Came For The Hero Dogs” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 8 Recap

Still on our Hamptons road trip, and it’s time to visit Kyle’s “pop-up” store, via which she is going to see whether a NYC outpost of Kaftans R’ Us is a realistic possibility. I don’t think she needed to go to all this trouble, especially as her selection of merchandise, at a glance, appears to be just a notch or two above the t-shirt shop on the boardwalk where the Jersey Shore kids “worked”. I think words and slogans are not an especially NYC thing. I do like the green awning, however, which I suspect was per Chamber of Commerce instructions.

Queen B is also here to do a book signing, and the Chamber is very concerned about keeping the multitude at bay. They need not worry. Limoing along to the event are Lipsey, Erica, and Eileen, who is still fretting about this weird conversation with Lady Pump that is getting weirder and more awkward the more we dwell upon and revisit it. Erica thinks Lady Pump has put Eileen “over a barrel” (or headfirst into one) and that maybe Eileen needs to step back and decide how she wants to react to this rather than roll down the hill. I LOVE ERICA. Meanwhile, Kyle is advising the Queen that she may have been a bit rude and over the top in offering her unsolicited critique of Erica’s music video. Ya think? The Queen is bewildered, as she always is when called on her shit.

The limo arrives. Lipsey, whose pink peasant dress is my favorite OOTD (the Old Navy version in my closet just falls short somehow…) immediately finds a giant blue Birkin-style bag emblazoned with the words BEACH BIRKIN. See, that’s not gonna fly. Erica is magnetically drawn to the Target-looking Daisy Dukes, as is the Queen, who I guess attempts to make her version of an apology, telling Erica she hears she may not have come off well the previous night.

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“I’m a big girl, it’s fine,” Erica replies, brushing her off. The Queen keeps babbling about branding and going for it and blah blah, and advises Erica, who gives no fucks, that she in fact thinks Erica SHOULD go for it.

To which Erica responds:

#TeamErica!

Kyle’s aunt and cousin arrive with disgraced former Subway mascot Jared:

Kyle is thrilled to see them because her aunt brings her back to her late mother, and, of course, no one else in the family is speaking to her. This aunt is clearly on the non-Hilton side of things, judging by the highlights and butterfly clip.
Just very regular, that’s all. Aunt Jane brings Kyle to tears with a framed old family photo, and asks to know how to connect with Kim. Aunt Jane believes she is the only person who can get through to her and she has to see her. Kyle has no idea how to make that operation happen, but whatever, nothing else works so it’s worth a shot.

Meanwhile, Queen B and Lipsey in the OOTD are over on the other side of the room gossiping about The Kim Crisis. Of course, only Lipsey and the BHers are gossiping. The Queen, who is driving this conversational bus into the dark alleys and hidden corners, is exempt from accusations of gossip where The Kim Crisis is concerned. Once again, our Lipsey’s big fat mouth is out to get her. She seems like a fun girlfriend but she’s not very canny. Lipsey blurts out that she feels responsible for the mess with Kim because she held up a mirror to her behavior, and she feels further upset because she can’t talk to Kyle about it. (What does that mean? Is she looking for Kyle to tell her it’s not her fault?) Just then Kyle walks up, and everyone gets skeered. Queen B gives Kyle some bizarre, contrived explanation of yes they were talking about Kim, but it’s really about Lipsey so it’s not gossip per your definition so it’s okay. I think. Kyle has had it. The subject of Kim always comes up (how can it not, when she’s getting arrested every other day) and why can’t everyone be talking about the kaftans? We are here for the kaftans, people!

Back they all go to what I think is a new rental house where they are all staying. I think. They are going to have a lobster boil. The Pumps are on hand and Mr. Lisa demands a padded cushion for the Gigster’s bare little bottom. I can’t say I think Giggy would do well on a hard woven seat, but why is he at the table, anyway? Lady Pump asks Eileen if they are okay after their followup convo about the convo that Eileen wishes they did not have, and here we go again, this time with Mr. Lisa irritated and inserting himself. Progress is not made. Erica and I need another drink.

Erica asks if she can ask some questions about the stuff these broads bitch about that predates her, because she doesn’t actually watch the show. What’s the deal with The Glands? Kyle and Lady Pump both give their side of how dirty and nasty The Glands is, and Erica privately declares them “obsessed”. She also vaguely addresses Kim’s situation, not asking per se but offering that she, too, has had to deal with tragically addicted relatives and she knows how painful it is. It’s difficult for all of us, says Lipsey, particularly for Lipsey herself. Oh, maybe also for Kyle. And KIM. But no, for Lipsey it is particularly bad, because she feels Kim’s behavior is “gross”, and has affected her deeply.

Lady Pump demands to know what strategy Kyle can deploy to be “less tortured” by Kim. Christ. Kyle is fed up with the fact that everyone in the world knows her shit which is a nice cover for everyone else to hide behind, namely a certain person with the initials LVP, and changes the subject. What keeps Lady Pump up at night? Not a lot, The Lady replies. She’s doing just fine, thanks. Erica laughs out loud at how Lady Pump can get everyone else to spill their beans and she keeps hers nicely clenched between her British buttocks. This is when Eileen decides to pipe up and present an afterschool special on her experience with domestic violence. This was supposed to air during the Amsterdam dinner party when Yo offered the dinner party conversation prompt of “tell us something we don’t know about you”, but that got derailed by Lipsey throwing a glass at Kim so we never got to it. (To be clear: I am entirely empathetic with Eileen’s story and her message. It’s the engineered placement of this life lesson that I am rolling my eyes at.)

So that’s that. The next day, Erica puts on her hammer pants and jets off on Girardi Air to collect Yo, who appears to be wearing a Members Only straitjacket.

GHDF has left her to be with Andrea Bocelli and the Pope or whatever, but he was an excellent nurse and left Yo in capable hands that are, oddly, not those of Health Advocate Daisy. I feel much better without Health Advocate Daisy around. On board, Yo shares photos of her icky implants and tells Erica that of all 9000 explant surgeries her World Class Expert Surgeon Dr. Fung has done, her case was, of course, THE WORST. Ever. Yo has suffered, greatly. “People”, even of her own family has doubted her, and Yo pities the fools for their lack of empathy. This is foreshadowing, kids.

Home again home again, jiggity jig. Kyle is having The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick over to collaborate on a closet remodel and so we can get a good look at how Faye pairs a tie-dye maxi with t-strap executive living pumps and a fake, slogan-free Birkin all in a shade of poo that is matchy-matchy-matchy with her hair and skin tone. One of my friends observed that Faye looks like a baseball glove with lipstick. That’s about right. They talk about Kim. Bluuuurp. This is not about Kim, and we know it.

No, this is about OJ, and we’ll get to that in a minute. Lady Pump is hosting the Hot Dog Awards – no! excuse me! the HERO DOG Awards – at PUMP, in which an assortment of small, useless dogs are going to be honored for their alleged heroics. Vanderpump Pets is a sponsor per the step-and-repeat; what is that enterprise about? All the ‘Wives and then some are here, including Camille!  The bystanders don’t even bother to conceal their curiosity, openly staring, unlike the Hamptonites who were trying to Be Kool, as the Kountess likes to say. Don’t be, like, unKool.

And who else just HAPPENS to saunter up to the bar for an iced tea and COINCIDENTALLY, unexpectedly join the cast in so doing, but this gal, who gives Lipsey a wink and the signal that it’s time to start:  This is Kathryn Edwards, former model, old acquaintance of Lipsey, and, not so coincidentally, the former wife of football great and OJ bestie Marcus Allen upon whom The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick claimed Marcus cheated with Nicole Brown Simpson, begetting the OJ bloodbath, in her dubious and much-discussed memoir. {Deep cleansing breath.} And that was the least subtle “spontaneous” introduction of a new Housewife, ever.

“KATHRYN! WHAT A SURPRISE!” shouts Lipsey. Look, Eileen, it’s the new Housewife! Lipsey immediately launches into a toilet-circling monologue about how they met before she gives up and says “dammit, it’s really OJ. That’s what it is.” Kathryn is not particularly interested in being drawn into that just yet and leads the discussion over to Marcus Allen, who Eileen apparently once dated, and how he’s “such a good guy”, yet no longer her husband. She has a new, younger, much better thank you football player husband now. Lady Pump strolls up with a Hero Dog in her armpit to be introduced. How exactly did this new specimen get here? Oh, Kathryn just happens to be here for the Hero Dogs. Of course you are.

They are all seated on the sweltering PUMP patio and Kyle realizes this is her cue to drag her unsuspecting and Morally Corrupt closet organizer under the bus when she sees Kathryn. Kathryn MUST know Faye? Even though, she acknowledges, Marcus Allen has always denied Faye’s accusation. That Faye is a Bad Woman.

It’s too hot and crowded on the patio to get all these broads in one shot, so they leave the staring masses and relocate to another bar, which Lady Pump follows along to despite it not being a Pump establishment. They all order tequila and Kyle gets down to business: do you know Faye, Kathryn? “Uh-uh. Nope. Never met her.” Kyle finds this fishy, and “aggressive”. Kathryn insists she never hung out with “that group” and was only married to Marcus for a year before “the shit hit the fan” and the group disbanded. So no, she never met Faye. And the lips, which she insists have never been enhanced, get zipped. For NOW.

Next time: Mr. Lisa buys a sex shop. Eileen n’ Vinny go to Italy, and Eileen’s sister’s ashes go too. Mo is throwing Yo and her claims of Complete Hadid Lyme Infestation under the bus. Oh: and Faye, meet Kathryn!

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“Don’t Do Anything Permanently Stupid” 🍹 Pump Rules Season 4 Episode 11 Recap

I have been neglecting Pump Rules lately, and for that I apologize. But clearly I have not missed much. The biggest development is that the 2’s got engaged and they are both delighted about it. So much so that they head out on a romantic, photogenic picnic to celebrate, shout to the treetops, etc. etc. 

What they did not do to celebrate is knock boots, apparently, because they both got annihilated. In fact, T2 awoke on his first full day as a betrothed man naked on the couch with taquitos burning in the oven. Better that than sitting up with a pot of Stove Top stuffing perched on his chest.

Anyway, guess who texted K2 congratulations when she heard the happy news? Yes, Lady Hitler! She’s back! T2 is not altogether at ease with this; things have been so much more relaxed and positive without her around. The 2s muse about how disconnected they are from her shitshow, and how much they just don’t care.

Meanwhile at SUR, BlahBlah is going around pretending to be a black urban youth again. She wears almost as much bronzer as John Boehner. So this season’s excuse for the bro’s to wear matching tank tops is going to be a “birthday” trip to Hawaii, and since it’s Jax’s 52nd birthday and not Lady Hitler’s, he’s calling the shots. And the shot he’s called is that Horshack is not allowed to go. I guess it’s also T1’s birthday because K1 isn’t allowed to go, either, even though Jax would like to include her, so he’s inviting her to his pre-trip birthday lunch instead.

Ariana could not care less if K1 is going to be at this lunch, but that’s not gonna stop ShayNaché from showing her asshole by getting all passive-aggressive with her alleged BFF about not liking K1. Ariana insists she wants nothing to do with this situation, but ShayNaché keeps pushing that Ariana not liking K1 is making things hard for HER, and then tells us that she’s feeling so much closer to K2, who is tolerant of K1, because of it, which she is absolutely sure must threaten Ariana. Because much like Mr. Shay’s “pill problem” (which, in retrospect, feels an awful lot like something from an early episode of Facts of Life), it’s ALL ABOUT SHAYNACHÉ. Ariana is like, girl, you guys can all have each other and leave me out of it.

Lady Pump swings by the bar to warn her favorite SURtenders that Lady Hitler is back on the prowl and is under no circumstances to be permitted onto the premises and must be redirected to Lady Pump herself to handle. The SURtenders are like, sweet, because Lady Hitler is a crappy tipper. Lady Pump is furious that Lady Hitler was so derogatory, disloyal, and dismissive, after “all” Lady Pump did for her. “All” of which goes unspecified, but as Lady Hitler outed herself in an attention-seeking move at the end of season 3 we know Lady Pump paid off an ex-boyfriend who was trying to sell a home video of Lady Hitler in a solo performance.

OHMIWORD IT’S MAX!

Max is here! So glad he’s turned up okay, I was worrying. Max visits Horshack in the smelly alley to discuss Horshack’s plot to get himself invited onto this Hawaii trip after all, which, to sum it up for all the attention worth paying to it, works.

The rejected half of the K’s visits the remaining active K to check out the incredible brown ring T2 gave to K2.

K1 brings wine, and cries. I want to cry too. For the brown ring, and because once again, K1 has NOT washed her hair.

God, she must smell like hell.

At SUR, Horshack begs Lady Pump to allow Max to go along on this trip to Hawaii. Horshack needs Max there to provide Horshack with “access” to BlahBlah’s nether regions. Lady Pump relents, probably because she’s got as good a sense of humor as the rest of us and can’t wait to see how this turns out.

BlahBlah, some chick named Faith, and ShayNaché go bikini shopping. ShayNaché, who is not going to try on suits, blathers about how she wants to renew her vows of about fifteen minutes in Hawaii so she can have another wedding! Yay! BlahBlah looks at a couple options and decides she’s found just the thing:ShayNaché suggests that the coupled-up ladies might not appreciate pasties and a thong. Also, Horshack might get ideas, which makes BlahBlah nervous as she does not want to knock boots with him, especially now that she’s checked out his pickle and it’s more like a cornichon. Who she really wants to knock boots with, ill-advisedly, is still JAX, having recently texted him “boy, come get in my bed” despite the fact that he has this inconvenient teenage girlfriend, Brittany. ShayNaché sternly advises her not to disrespect the magic that Jax and Brittany are making together, and BlahBlah vows to “take a note from the frigid bitches” and act like a lady.

Speaking of the magic between Jax and Brittany, it’s so magical that he has no qualms whatsoever about taking a dump with the door open, cameras rolling and all.

And Brittany unhesitatingly continues to unpack her stuff into the closet and chitchat with Jax about whether or not he invited BlahBlah to Hawaii (which he says he didn’t, but of course he did) while Jax wipes.

Those two lovebirds are meant to be. I can feel it.

So just as soon as Horshack got Lady Pump to sign off on Max’s permission slip for the Season 4 field trip, someone Max got involved in a mysterious fainting spell that resulted in him shoving his teeth through his lip and leaving them in a block of wood, and now he might not going to be able to go to Hawaii after all. ShayNaché is all too happy to tell everyone at Jax’s birthday lunch how this happened, strictly so she can bark at Mr. Shay not to get any ideas about begging for Max’s pain meds. Everyone rolls their eyes. I give this relationship a week past the end of filming.

So while lunch is underway, Horshack, BlahBlah, and Faith visit Max at Villa Rosa for a spot of tea.

And after tea, to take off all their clothes and go for a dip in their bosses’ pool in their underpants.

Topless.

I have half a mind to make my children watch this episode of Pump Rules as a cautionary tale. Not that they are going to be heading out onto reality television if I have anything to say about it, but to make the point that sharing sketchy behavior on social media can be one’s own version of being seen by the world pooping on the potty and running around naked at your employer’s home. It will live on, and not be soon forgotten.

At the birthday lunch, K1 corners T1 in the alley, smoking, to try to AGAIN review their relationship or lack thereof. K1 tries really, really hard to make T1 give a shit, claiming she wants things to be “normal” between them but he does not want normal, he wants silence. Meanwhile, ShayNaché and K2 corner Ariana in the bar trying to make an issue out of how she doesn’t like K1 and her not wanting to hang with her boyfriend’s psycho ex-girlfriend is really just so mean to them! ShayNaché even tells Ariana that her own mother had called with concerns about how Ariana is just so unhappy and what can The Miracle Worker, ShayNaché, do to help? That’s when Ariana realizes she is trapped into going to Hawaii “with assholes”.

It’s time for the field trip, y’all! Everyone meets up at LAX to be cool and make public scenes like this:

URP.

It seems Max was able to push his doctor’s visit back a few days so he got to come after all, fat lips and everything! ShayNaché, who as the old married lady fancies herself everyone’s mother, gets all bossy with him about how he needs to mind his behaviors. She’s really very annoying, isn’t she? Anyway, away they go and this is gonna be a rager, kids!

Next time: we’re in Hawaii, where Jax is going to get arrested for basically being a dumbshit as usual, which is offense enough. And I’m sure we’re gonna see those pasties again.

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