I’m BACK! No, I did not fall in a hole, but things have been wild and crazy at the Rancho with a week of winter getaway in the middle. And while I was offline, all I missed was increasing bitter aggression from Kim Richards, it sounds like, and now we’re in Amsterdam geared up for more.
So I finally got to sit down long enough to watch this week’s episode, and you think I am kidding but I am not. The ladies disembark their fat bus at the Hotel De L’Europe which could possibly be the hostel I stayed at some 20+ years ago significantly renovated (no more bunk beds; hot water).
I missed last week but I can only conclude we’re in the land of tulips and wooden clogs because of Yo’s Sick Momma. It also appears that Lady Pump and Eileen have met this crew across the pond while Lipsey Rinna had to hang tight and hold on for dear life while strapped into a flying aluminum thermos along with Kim and The Glands. She seems seriously worse for wear upon arrival and it can’t just be the jetlag. Relieved to see her best girls, the Lisas and Eileen have a drink in the lounge so Lipsey can unload about Kim’s “addict behavior” and the angry way she attacked Lipsey en route. I know I missed something, but I don’t care. Lady Pump gets the check billed to her room so Bravo can pay it.
Time for din-din, and everyone gathers up downstairs, all in black, black, black. Kyle is not just in black, she’s in a Batgirl costume, while Kim shows up in what appears to be a black vinyl straitjacket. And off they go, traipsing through the Red Light district. Kyle wants to know if everyone needs to offer their services as a prostitute in Holland; Yo says no, but that she’d do it to pay the bills for her kids. Isn’t that sweet?
They arrive and assemble in the empty early-bird dining room, with Yo taking the head of the table and declaring to all, “let’s share”. She wants to “share” about their struggles, their shared humanity, and offers up that #2 got a DUI recently. As if they don’t all read TMZ! Lady Pump makes some clucking sounds about the ups and downs of motherhood. Lipsey chirps up that her sister died of a drug and alcohol overdose when Lipsey was a mere 6 years old (the sister was 21, it should be noted), which left her scarred with anxiety, and now with Husband Harry’s brothers dying of the drink she is just overly wrapped up in these concerns which she projected onto Kim and for that she is truly, truly sorry. It is a genuine apology. It reflects an uncharacteristic level of self-awareness for a BH Housewife. And Kim is having none of it.
Rolling her eyes, Kim again snaps at Lipsey for getting overly involved in her business and for actually caring. She’s been sober for three years, dammit! Well, except that episode a few weeks ago where she popped a pill and started waving dildos around at Eileen’s house. (So glad spellcheck knows how to correct the plural of ‘dildo'; I was spelling it like ‘potatoes’. So very W of me.) Yeah, Kim’s SOBER, dammit! Her real friends and family know it, and while Lipsey’s all worried about Kim, Kim’s actually worried about what’s going on at Lipsey’s house, she drops silkily. Lipsey’s eyes go wide. Eileen has had enough and steps in, causing Kim to shout “I’ve had enough of you – you beast!” “How DARE you,” Eileen retorts, in full YATR mode. She didn’t earn that Emmy for nothing.
But oh no, Kim dares, and she keeps on rolling that there’s nothing to like about Eileen; not her face, not her hair, and not her meddling. Kyle pipes up to try to shut Kim down for indefensible behavior, and Kim snarls at her that her real sister, Kathy, would have her back. I am going to presume Kathy indeed would which explains how all Kathy’s children have turned out the way they have. So Lipsey unwisely pipes up for Kyle that Kim is now treating everyone badly and it has to stop. “Have a piece of bread,” Kim snaps, before unloading the mother of all bombs about Husband Harry: “Let’s not talk about what you don’t want to have out!”
And with that Lipsey goes berserk.
Wine is thrown, glasses shatter, Kyle runs screaming into the street, cape trailing in her wake. Her girls follow while The Glands stays inside, shocked, but not shocked enough to leave. Kim continues to hiss and bubble that she knows secrets about Husband Harry. And if Lipsey wants to “harm” Kim’s children by vocalizing concern about her narcotic-popping, vape-sucking, nonsense-spewing behavior and thus cast doubt on Kim’s THREE YEAR epic sobriety, then goddamit, Kim’s gonna take that bitch DOWN!
Yo returns to the interior section to pointlessly attempt to reason with Kim. “This is no way to communicate,” she informs her, disapprovingly. Kim doesn’t want to discuss it any. More. Kyle and her best girls take off and go back to the hotel to figure out what the hell that was all about. Eileen feels sorry for Kyle and thinks Kim demeans her; Kyle agrees. Lipsey thinks Kim is abusive; Kyle agrees. Lady Pump thinks it’s weird how Kim and The Glands, two abusive, nasty bitches, found each other. Girl, it’s called casting; they found you the same way. The Daysgirls ponder leaving the country but Kyle insists they stay and protect her. Well, okay. So now that that’s over, Yo’s all excited to go visit her mama and take these bitches along for the ride!
Morning has broken, and Lipsey gazes pensively out her balcony window like a finalist on The Bachelor. Just then, a knock on the door: who is it? It’s KIM! Oh dear Lord. She’s come to sort of make peace, without completely apologizing, but by expressing the Housewife Dispute Refrain (“You should have come to me first”). Lipsey accepts this as fair enough, but points out that going after Husband Harry was low. Kim asserts that she had to do so to make Lipsey back off, and Lipsey, unbelievably, allows that so they can both move on. Christ.
So it’s off to ride bicycles among the wind-meals, you guys! Yo sweeps them all up in the morning and herds them onto another fat bus to the countryside of her yoot, where they mount too-large bikes sans helmets and pedal away. It’s a glorious day among the wind-meals and Yo posits buying one before they randomly encounter some pube-bearded old wind-meal proprietor who claims he hooked up with Yo back in the day. Yo does not have any recollection of this – you know, the Lyme’s disease!
Finally they arrive at the apartment of Yo Mama who is being tended to by beloved brother Leo. They all have a nice cup of tea and goo over Gigi’s modeling shots. (None of #2, conspiciously.) The plan for the night is for Leo to take them all to a coffeeshop so they can get baked; wouldn’t that be good for Yo Mama, the cancer patient, too? No, she’s not going, and neither is Kim, because, you know, SHE’S SOBER.
So they get rid of the bikes and get dolled up for the evening, Kyle in a fur coat and booties which are going to smell terrific after a night in a weed den. They peruse the pot menu and all of a sudden everyone starts meowing how they can’t possibly partake because they are all mommies and it would be such a bad example. All except Lady Pump, who thinks it would be rude not to. Come on, isn’t that why you’re here? It’s not like you got lost looking for the Anne Frank Museum or something. Let’s be honest about our intentions, ladies.
Kyle insists it’s a “parenting choice”, which causes The Glands to leap up and trill about how the last time she personally smoked weed it was WITH Kyle, so, bullshit! Lady Pump puts and end to it by ordering a “space cake”, having seen it all in London in the 80’s and done plenty, and makes everyone partake. I think these broads are just scared of getting the munchies and eating something with a carb.
Out on the street, not stoned in the least, Lady Pump rounds up on The Glands for making that obnoxious comment about Kyle, which causes The Glands to explode about “hypocrisy”. Here we go again, moans Eileen.
Next time: more tourism, more fights, and All About Eileen.