Last night I went to bed at 8:30 rather than stay up till 11 watching PumpRules, and instead got up at 5:45 to watch fresh as a daisy. I have done this before, and as ridiculous as it is to watch reality tv at dawn, really I think this is the way to go. I feel like a whole new girl! All for you, friends.
The moment we’ve long been awaiting (all 12 previous episodes) has finally arrived: The Miami Girl is arriving. “Girl” is a loose term; “Annemarie” turns out to be a bit rode hard and hung up wet, per K1 T1’s usual type: mid-twenties and too much Botox. I do not see mid-twenties here. I see nearer to 40, something of a vague, darker resemblance to Ariana (does anyone else see this?), and possibly post-op. Annemarie staggers into the cafe where K1 lies in wait, teetering along on porn-star heels that, despite being wedges, are clearly giving her a struggle.
After ordering a handle of RAMONA Pinot Grigio, K1 gets down to business for the camera and commands Miami Girl to tell her story. Miami claims she was weekending at the same hotel as Jax and the Toms (note to all who have been in the Mondrian pool since February 2014: get tested now), and after spending the day socializing and commisserating over her poor footwear choice, ended up having sex with T1. But not before T1 confessed that he had cheated on Ariana and was still in love with K1. Hmm.
“This is so gross, so disgusting,” K1 tells Miami, who does not flinch. Girl, this hobag basically just told you that having sex with you is gross and disgusting. Take offense! But no, this flies right past Miami. K1 is all indignant that T1 uncoolly keeps poking his pecker in strange places and then calling all the owners of those strange places liars, and agrees with Miami’s plan to march into SUR and let him have it on the job. Because Miami feels betrayed. Betrayed by a complete stranger with whom he had a long conversation. He owes her something, something more than the one hour and fifteen minutes of notoriety she has achieved having laid claim to a few minutes of weak banging from a C-list reality star. Yes, Miami has been WRONGED. She will not be ignored!
While K1 is conjuring up her evil plot, the 2s are having a conjugal visit on set at T2’s modeling shoot. Because remember, he’s a model! The only actively-modeling model in this whole crew of models! Perhaps bailing on medical school to enter modeling hasn’t gone altogether badly for T2.
K2 updates T2 on her confrontation with Lady Hitler and nibbles one single Baked Lay chip; T2 feels Lady Hitler has shown her true, selfish colors after all K2 has done for her, helping her move, listen to her cry, and giving her couch space, and allowing her to eat and drink the 2s out of house, home, and wine closet. K2 still wants to believe there’s still a chance for their friendship.
Dusk falls, and it’s time for work at SUR, the Sexy Unique Restaurant!
SUR looks like a bit of a dump, no?
K1 shows up with the standup comedian who once banged Jax and what appears to be a hidden camera for all the bouncing. They order drinks, and Miami comes tottering in in the same heels, statement necklace (from the Stassi Schroeder for Etsy kollection?) and white sundress she was wearing earlier. She’s here to clear her name! The name she self-soiled by seeking to bring it to the attention of the number one bunny boiler in LA!
Miami marches up to T1’s bar, where he takes one look at her, mutters “hi”, and keeps working before walking off the job and out the door. K1 grabs Miami and hustles her to the smelly alley, where they catch site of Ariana trotting after T1 to catch their Uber escape. T1 is not sticking around to have a confrontation with the his crazy stalker who has just showed up at his place of work; he’s scared shitless, man! No time to call security, just call Uber! K1 wrings her hands in glee. Her evil plot has worked, and T1 has proven his guilt through fleeing.
K1 takes over the patio with the unattractive stand-up girl and Miami, where they are cackling over their success until Scheana marches up and demands answers. What is going on here? K1 introduces her to Miami, and Scheana declines to shake hands for fear of communicables. This sucks, man! It’s Scheana’s wedding next week and she doesn’t need this shit! She demands to hear it from Miami what exactly she’s alleging happened, which causes K1 to start screaming and shrieking to be quiet and not answer her. People on the street are now staring in addition to the patrons inside, who are so excited they came on the right night. Scheana gets all tearful that she’s spent so much time defending K1 as “changed” and here she’s proving herself the #1 bunny boiler. K1 insists Scheana had no right to a heads-up because she would have ruined the whole moment! Just then, Diana the “manageress” comes out to see what all the commotion is about. K1 responds to her boss by shrieking at her to “walk the fuck away, now! Move your ass! Such a dick!” Girl, you was on your last chance. Mmm mmm mmm.
Jax and T2 have missed this entire episode because they are out drinking someplace else and talking about Jax’s futile efforts to get back in Carmen’s pantaloons. He’s going to take her as his date to the wedding and give her the full Pretty Woman treatment, which ought to go over well with all those to whom he owes cash. Jax is not excited about having to have dinner with K1 and Horshack tomorrow, but he’s glad to hear K2 has told Lady Hitler off because it’s a taste of her own medicine. Not that he expects it to last; T2 is Jax’s bitch, and K2 is Lady Hitler’s. And so it shall always be.
Lady Pump shows up at SUR and gets the dirt from Diana The Manageress, who reports that K1 was “extra disrespectful”. Not just her usual level of disrespect; disrespect with a cherry on top. Lady Pump cannot believe that Scheana was also screaming at SUR; that’s just not like her, but she apologizes so all is well. Mr. Lisa thinks K1 has been on their payroll for seven years too long. Lady Pump thinks that because this was a “personal thing” she can’t blame K1 altogether and has to hear her side before firing her. For fuck’s sake, woman! She interfered with business operations and was rude to the manageress! (Well, in truth she was only rude to the manageress in the process of jacking up business to appropriate levels, because all their customers want is the possible opportunity to witness a live shitshow. You know it’s true; that’s the only reason you’d dine at SUR when in LA, admit it.)
K2 picks up Jax and T2 in a funny little grocery getter she’s got on lend from Avis after being rear-ended, and clad in the most peculiar top festooned with gilded pelicans in flight.
While those two fools were out boozing they totally missed all Scheana’s texts about the boonanas business that went down at SUR, so she updates. Jax thinks K1 has gone past 11 to 15 or 20 on the crazy scale, and T2 wants to know if she had a big tub of popcorn. K2 is not sure what to make of this; she doesn’t want to believe this weak banging event took place, but T1’s behavior in response to spotting Miami at SUR is awfully suspicious. Or: he’s legitimately terrified that he went to Miami without a full appreciation of his own notoriety or capacity for attracting negative fanatical behavior, and the wheels came off when he met the wrong chick in the pool. Happens in every Michael Douglas movie; he should have known.
Having Ubered around LA for a while, T1 and Ariana have gotten the call from Pirate Peetah that the coast is clear and they better come home before Mom gets mad. T1 is bewildered by the timing of all this, because after his and K1’s come-to-Jesus in Miami (ironically), he thought they were in a better place. WRONG AGAIN, sucker! T1 picks up his cocktail shaker and who materializes yet again but Miami. She’s been lying in wait, and she will not be ignored! The predictable “you banged me” “no I didn’t” showdown ensues before Ariana swoops in to save her addled boyfriend from himself. K1 has brought Miami on a “mental journey”, she assesses, and Miami has gone right along, ghetto nails and “oh-no-you-di-int” Springer training intact. After watching for a while, security finally arrives with the butterfly net, but not before Miami delivers her final bombshell: T1 gave it to her with his 4″ shaved wanger, and didn’t last long. Adios! shouts Ariana, and gives T1 a high five when the coast is finally clear. Good grief. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: not only does Ariana not believe there’s any truth to this matter, but even if there is she clearly does not care.
The next day, things are obviously fine between T1 and Ariana because she’s spent the night and he went out in his snood to pick up a breakfast burrito and two coffees. They are very hopeful that Lady Pump will drop the hammer at last on K1 so they can bartend in peace forever more. T1 still cannot understand how all this happened after the nice come-to-Jesus he had with K1; Ariana fully comprehends that when T1 heard closure, K1 heard “so there’s still a chance for us”. She even sent a friendly text with the smiley face with tongue emoji! Ariana’s efforts to teach her grasshopper the ways of the world may finally be taking hold, as T1 is starting to see that K1 will do anything to ruin his relationship with Ariana so that she can swoop in and claim that only she, the #1 Bunny Boiler, can understand him. Aha! Someone is up to date on the Douglas ouevre.
Elsewhere, Jax n’ Carmen are meeting up with K1 and her temporary snood wearer, Horshack, for strawberry margaritas (manly!) and a rehash of K1’s recent malfeasance. Carmen is inexplicably wearing one of the more unattractive SUR uni’s.
K1 shares that although T1 and Ariana bolted the scene, over all the confrontation with Miami didn’t go as she planned. AS SHE PLANNED! Jax asks her what she expects to get out of this shitshow, and K1 responds that she doesn’t want to be called a liar anymore. If you don’t want to be called a liar, stop talking about it, girl! This is just ridiculous, but it’s all Jax’s fault because he’s the one who told K1 the story in the first place. And from whence all the mayhem has followed. Haven’t we thoroughly established and documented Jax’s inclinations toward exaggeration and incendiary gossip? Well now K1 is going to pay the price, because Scheana is threatening to disinvite her from the big Shay/na wedding due to anxiety about a scene that isn’t about Scheana Shay.
At SUR, Lady Pump holds her HR meetings with T1 and Ariana. T1 feels his fleeing of his post was in the restaurant’s best interest, and it isn’t his fault that K1 dragged his stalker in to make a scene. Lady Pump insists her customers “don’t come for a ringside seat to who’s sleeping with who and all this screaming”, which is of course EXACTLY what they come for. What does she think the draw is, the fried cheese balls? For God’s sake. And I’m on team T1 that if that’s what they got, it’s not his fault. Safety first! T1 apologizes which is the whole point. One must grovel before Lady Pump.
Next it’s Ariana’s turn to grovel which nearly goes bad when she calls Lady Pump “dude”. Lady Pump appreciates that K1 is the real problem here, and seems to accept Ariana’s insistence that she and T1 only intended to step outside but were chased away to the Uber car. Lady Pump wants to know why Ariana is so sure that Miami’s claims are false, and Ariana insists nothing adds up other than that he and Miami met. I mean, he doesn’t shave everything. Can she work with K1 again? She’d rather not.
K1, meanwhile, is at the recording studio pouting and shooting eye daggers at Scheana who is laying autotune on her new rap song. Shay and Horshack think it is AWESOME. It’s like a scene from Showbiz Moms and Dads in here. Breaktime comes and K1 and Scheana have it out in the lounge. K1 insists she didn’t set the Miami confrontation up which is complete crap; Scheana tells her she doesn’t understand what’s going on inside her brain these days. (I think the hamsters have been drinking absinthe, that’s what I think.) And what happens when she’s at the wedding drunk and T1 and Ariana start doing the electric slide? Get over it, girl. But K1 is still invited, because without her we’re really lacking for plot.
Next time: Jax conveniently leaves his phone open to an incriminating text about T2; K2 freaks out; and Lady Pump makes a decision about K1’s future at SUR. And the Mondrian pool gets drained and disinfected.