You guys, Scheana Shay is in the house! Yes, the deed is done and the Shays are eternally bound, forevermore man and wife. K1 thinks it’ll last, because she’s faithful and he kisses her ass, which is more than we can say about a lot of marriages so best of luck to them. The cast assembles for a photo.
And now it’s time to celebrate. There are shot glasses, there are boob glasses, but mostly there are plastic glasses with terribly small pours. The pours are probably a good idea considering the inevitable to come, but plastic? We could not rent glassware? Are we dining off paper plates, too?
Right off the bat K1 is enemy #1. Horshack is wandering around trying to get her attention and bemoaning the fact that he gives her love and she doesn’t give it back. Dude, you’re an idiot. In swanning about without her boyfriend, K1 just happens to cross the Pumps’ path; Mr. Lisa gives her the chilly Glandsian dismissal so K1 gets in Lady Pump’s face. “Oh, hullo,” says Lady Pump. “Lovely to see you here!” chirps K1, as though she’s surprised. Things swiftly go sour as K1 asserts her life is just fantastic now that she’s no longer working at SUR, that she should have quit long ago (we can all agree on that), and that Lady Pump never liked her. Lady Pumps clarifies that she never liked K1’s attitude, and warns her not to spoil things for the Shays. K1 departs after clutching Lady Pump to her bosom against her will. “Why does she always have to end things with a hug? Hug off!” Lady Pump tells us.
The only two SUR people not invited to the Sch/ay nuptials are Lady Hitler and her sidekick Anonymous. Someone has either Instagrammed a photo of Scheana’s wedding getup or texted it to Anonymous, who shows it to Lady Hitler so they can have a good giggle. Lady Hitler is horrified and sizes it up as a “skanky quincereana” dress, the ugliest wedding dress ever. And she hasn’t even seen the backfat.
They also think Scheana is wearing too much makeup for a “blushing bride”, and that Lady Pump’s bondage dress is an odd choice for a wedding, and that Mr. Lisa and Giggy’s matching purple suits are hilariously Prince, and while I can’t stand these girls I have to agree with them all around. They may be missing an open bar but they have kept their pride and dignity, and do shots to the crop top. I don’t think there’s a lot of dignity here, actually. Later they retreat to Lady Hitler’s place for strawberry margs because they have no friends, and acknowledge that if the wedding getup was tackadoodles at least the decor is gorg. The end.
Back at the wedding, Jax is trying to work Carmen over and she is having none of it and stalks off when he makes a crack about moving on to Vail. Vail is flirting with Pirate Peetah who came in his SUR uniform of unbuttoned black shirt and black pants. That is the best he could do? I really want Vail to get that Obama growth off her lip.
It’s time for the big entrance of the wedding party and at least it’s not to to “Eye In The Sky”. But it is carefully choreographed to some dumb dance song and when that starts at the wrong time the bride loses her shit again. “The whole reception is fucked!” she shrieks.
Well, yeah, screaming profanity at your reception tends to do that. Finally the inept wedding planner manages to get the DJ to restart the song so that the new Mr. & Mrs. Shay can emerge onto the staircase balcony at the exact right moment and: start jumping up and down like they are celeb hosts at a Vegas nightclub. That’s what this is about? The first dance starts off slow to some uninspired song, before it segues into an opportunity for Scheana to twerk. Klassy. Mr. Little Mama’s and my first dance was a mambo to “Let’s Get It On”.
The party continues and some people are having fun and some are not. T1 and Ariana are in love and hanging out far away from the crazy table. Horshack is assigned to the crazy table, and being half in the bag before dinner even begins is getting all bellig on K1 who is trying to avoid him. The bride gets up and instructs the assembled NOT to have any drinks on the dance floor, please! The 2s stroll off to a private moment in a gazebo where he offers her a small box as a token of his commitment, and it contains: a small rose-gold band on a chain. Yes, the dreaded “ring on a string” that K2 has always told him never to give her. She’s upset and crying and disappointed, and he’s confused and dejected and made at the person at Jared who sold him this shitty little 9th grade birthday present. T1, who does not have commitment issues, commits his tongue to Ariana on the dance floor. Watch the spittle! Carmen tells Jax she’s not spending the night with him and summons Uber.
Lady Pump just happens to stumble upon K2 feeling sorry for herself as the inept wedding coordinator collects garbage (yes, paper plates). K2 spills her guts about the disappointing “ring on a string” and Lady Pump wants to know whether this silly boy is really worth all the time and waiting K2 has put into him. K2 has to think about giving him an ultimatum.
Bridezilla finds her wedding coordinator on garbage detail and explodes on her that nothing – NOTHING! – has gone according to plan! She wants to do the dollar dance! (What is the dollar dance?) She wants to do the garter (UGH) and cut the cake (necessary) and throw the bouquet (always awkward). And she wants to do it NOW! Dammit, garbage lady, take charge of that DJ! You know I didn’t have a wedding planner and I had none of these problems.
K1, meanwhile, has decided she’s had enough fun for one night and is going to Uber home with her bearded, smoking trainer, Trevor. Horshack, still stalking her, chases her into the parking lot to apologize for being a drunken ass and find out what exactly is going on. So he gets all up in K1’s face while the trainer casually leans against his Prius, smoking a cigar, and enjoys the show. Which quickly becomes a shitshow when K1 tells Horshack they are “done” (clearly temporarily forgetting she’s his houseguest) and he yells at her that she is “unmanageable” (true), to which she responds by smacking and then punching Horshack in the face before making a break for it. Yow!
Having lost Carmen and insulted a number of women by calling them “large”, Jax resorts to trying to flirt with Lady Pump and gets negged. K2 recuperates from the disappointing ring on a string enough to climb into the fountain to dance. Horshack returns to the reception and tells T1 that K1 punched him. T1 is so happy to be with Ariana now, with whom he will always be able to go on vacation simply by looking her in the eyes, and whom he may never actually have to marry because she’s not that into it.
The reception finally wraps up and everyone goes to a villa for an afterparty. In the morning, Scheana awakens in full makeup (crusty!) and rallies her troops to help with garbage duty as Mr. Shay sleeps it off. Scheana is in a bad mood because K1 “ruined” her wedding (she didn’t even know anything had happened until Horshack told her at the afterparty?) but rallies with a little beer and candy for breakfast. And we’re done.
Next time: we’re back to the campaign to destroy T1, and this time K1 is bringing in the big gun: Lady Hitler.