Before we get to the smelly car racing and dining in dust with shrieking mimis, raise your hand if you are surprised that a Real Househusband has been caught on this Ashley Madison list. The only surprise for me is that Josh Taekman was the first – and so far only – one busted. Where are these lists that people are scouring for dirt? I read today that there are only THREE zip codes in the entire United States with no Ashley Madison accounts. How is that? I’d never even heard of this operation.
Anyway, my take on the Taekmans is that I feel sorry for them. I think Josh is out of his league with Kristen, and knows it, which is why he’s seeking to get his ego stroked by additional attention. I think Kristen has her own self-esteem issues settling for him and even upgrading her perfectly-perfect figure to please him. Whether or not he actually did anything, they have to spend some time having a hard think about things. Sad. (Also: she’s now probably a sure thing for season 8 of RHONY if she wants it. And the big question is: who’s next?)
On the flip side of extracurricular marital activities, we have Tammy’s son Ryan and his baby mama, who are checking out Vic’s Brown House as a possible venue for their upcoming wedding. Such a scenario would have made for a natural finale for season 10, except (a) I don’t think it happened as I don’t think they have gotten married anywhere yet, and (b) he’s recently been arrested for domestic violence, which doesn’t bode well for them getting married anywhere in the future. Anyway, after a little chit chat about weddings and churchy stuff, like Tammy’s potential baptism (in which I fully expect a bolt of lightning to strike her), the “lovebirds” hang outside while Vic n’ Tam chat on the couch.
This is when Tammy fills Vic in on What The Psychic Said, which Shannon was getting ready to reveal before Vic cut her off and stormed out. Vic reacts to What The Psychic Said with utter certainty that he is predicting a cure for Donn2, the very cure to which they have so fervently prayed to The Lord. However, if it’s bad news Vic doesn’t give a goose poop what the psychic said, nor does she care what Everyone Hates Meghan has to say about anything, because she’s 30 and stupid. “She can kiss my ass!” yowls the OG. It won’t be hard to locate…
Everyone but Vic, who is pissy and has better things to do, anyway, are off to a NASCAR race with Everyone Hates Meghan and her husband, Grumpy Cat. Meghan explains that because Grumpy Cat is such a big deal in the sports world they get regular begged to come sit in suites at sporting events such as NASCAR. Being on a reality TV show geared at NASCAR’s latest growing demographic wouldn’t have a damn thing to do with it.
Anyway, the Edmonds and the Dubrows are there pre-dawn, intelligently attired for a filthy sport in white pants and heels, and get introduced to a bunch of car racing people and are like “hullo”. Has Heather Dubrow not watched Cars with her people? Ever? Does Michael Waltrip not at least ring a bell with Darrell Cartrip? Does she not recognize the voice? This is absurd. I don’t know the first thing about NASCAR but I know that much, thank you, Pixar. They get in the pace car and drive around in circles for a while before going up to the suite and whispering about how the OG is so so mad about What The Psychic Said and accused Meghan of insinuating things. Well, you did, says H. Dubrow. You is gonna git it, girl! Mmmm hmmm.
More white pants arrive in the form of Tammy and Shannon, and black pants in the form of H. Dubrow depart. They sit in the race car which has no steering wheel (?) and then go back up to the suite to gossip about What The Psychic Said and whether EHM was insinuating things. The menfolk are finding this tiresome, as am I. EHM wants to be mad at Shannon, but it was actually TAMMY who outed her. Also, EHM’s concern is purely from the heart and is an outpouring of concern for Leanne, and also Donn2. RIGHT. But now she’s an asshole, but she’s in good company, because Shannon is “the first asshole”, and Tammy has been one her whole life. Sounds about right.
The workweek comes around and Tammy stops by her Keller Williams office to discuss jumpstarting her hibernating career as a Realtor®. She’s gonna need to pump up her income because she’s also committed to putting a down payment of nearly $8K on Son Ryan and The Baby Mama’s new rental, and is no doubt going to have to pony up the $3500 monthly, too, since Eddie is not rehiring Ryan at CUT and what other options does he have, all no skills like that? Oh, and Tammy’s not telling Eddie about this financial outlay, either. You is gonna git it, girl! Mmmm hmmm.
Shannon is painting in the craft room with her girls, because she is Fun Mom. “Not really!” shouts the sassy peg-leg one. Shannon feels that since the girls were exposed to the dark, unseemly side of her collapsing marriage, it’s important for them to witness it’s phoenix-like resurrection with more loving communication and peaceful familyness. They are going to start this resurrection with Shannon’s upcoming birthday dinner. This is a bad idea. Birthdays are like New Year’s and Prom, never measure up to the anticipation.
Another birthday girl is Vic, who is being escorted onto a barge piloted by Captain Bob for a private dinner at sea. This is what they skipped NASCAR for. Vic is in a cocktail dress while Donn2 is in his customary untucked maternity blouse and mom jeans. This is Vic’s first birthday without her mommy, and it’s a big time party all about her, even though Donn2 is dying of The Cancer. He appreciates that he’s not in this alone. I wish we were not in this with either one of them.
Our pretend Realtor®, Tammy, is pretend showing what is apparently Heather Locklear’s old house to EHM, who is pretending Grumpy Cat might actually buy it for her. I am increasingly suspicious that Grumpy Cat is hemming and hawing about a real estate investment because he’s hoping EHM will somehow get lost and thereby resolve this terrifying marital situation he’s found himself in. This whole scene is here merely to illustrate that EHM, who was born after the house was constructed in 1983 and is only vaguely familiar with Tommy Lee and Richie Sambora, who knocked boots with Heather in the master, is Very Young. We Know.
Time for Shannon’s birthday dinner. Shannon has very high hopes for this birthday excursion, because last year Mr. Shannon fulfilled his marital duties in accordance with the Vanderpump Rule, and then skipped out to frolic nude with his lady on the side. Shannon is still hurt and raw about that episode, and this dinner is going to do nothing to resolve it because Mr. Shannon decided to drag the entire family out to some sports pub for fatty short ribs and a whole sectioned lime garnishing Shannon’s Grey Goose. The birthday queenie is gravely disappointed, the kids are having panic attacks, and Mr. Shannon pouts about how he can’t do anything right, which makes Shannon whine some more about the tension. May I suggest that next birthday you order take out from Five Guys and eat at home? Then the peg leg wouldn’t have to miss Teen Titans Go or whatever it is she’s been complaining about. Birthdays are inevitably going to be a fail, you should know that by 51, girl!
So: Heather has invited everyone, and a few randoms, to Chateau Dubrow Part Deux to ooh and ahh over the progress and eat a dusty lunch enhanced by drop cloths and the sound of table saws whining. This is going to be the first time EHM has to see the OG since What The Psychic Said, and she’s shaking in her boots like a science lab skeleton in a Scooby Doo episode. Welcomed by hot servers Doug & Zach, who will be getting their own spinoff soon, the gang tours the 14 baths (one more than Shannon has in Palais Beador, an increase she sniffs crosses the bounds of obnoxiousness), the luggage room, and the separate toilet rooms (key to marital happiness, Heather declares; I am in agreement, as I believe would be Ashley Madison) before they arrive in the Marie Schrader Memorial Ballroom for a carb-free, dust-enhanced luncheon of tofu and poo with air-sauced arugula.
The hostess has them clink around the table for friendship, and the tension is thick. Much in the way that I can’t seem to help taking The Lord’s name in vain in front of the devout, EHM can’t seem to stop herself from talking about The Cancer now that The OG is staring her down from across the table. After telling Shannon that she’s got a call in for Leanne to the cancer expert Donn2 has no time for, EHM decides to address the dead cat on the table head on. She understands from Vic’s text telling her to fuck off that Vic is upset with her. “You’re damn right I am!” Vic shrieks, finger-waving and don’t-you-evers and all. The rest of the table freezes like deer in headlights. This is a good sign, though, for Tammy, who thinks Vic wouldn’t be freaking out if she actually knew Donn2 was lying. (Note that this doesn’t mean Tammy doesn’t think Donn2 is lying; it means she doesn’t think Vic KNOWS he’s lying nor that Vic is lying FOR him.)
There’s no way this was going to go well, but EHM is not gonna give up without a fight. She tells Vic that Tammy and Heather said Vic had never been to the doctor with Donn2. Heather’s eyes bug and she gulps. EHM just can’t understand how Donn2 would not be bothered with City of Hope, which her beloved Leanne can’t even get into, and how Vic can allow this to happen! It PAINS her, EHM! Pains her heart! Vic is disgusted and orders EHM, who has only met Donn2 twice at this point, to mind her own damn business. EHM retorts that if it’s fine for Vic to have an opinion about EHM’s stepdaughter, then why isn’t it fine for EHM to have an opinion about the wisdom or lack thereof in Donn2’s treatment choices? She’s researched reservatrol, and it’s just an excuse to drink red wine! “SHUT UP!” screams Vic. “You’re just an old woman pissed off and bitter at the world, you shut up!” EHM insolently retorts. Oh shit. TO BE CONTINUED.
Next time: it gets continued, all right. After H. Dubrow fails to get EHM into Time Out, there’s a kink party. Somehow I think they are going to find Grumpy Cat snarling in the corner.