Another Monday, another episode of Pump Rules finds us with Tom SANdoval, Tom #2, and Jax cracking beers on the sidewalk before getting their eyebrows threaded. Everything is wrong with this: from public consumption, to male eyebrow threading, to Jax claiming these two are his “best bros”. I thought SANdoval was only tolerating Jax for purposes of cohabiting at the high-tip bar? It seems Jax is getting his long-anticipated nose job tomorrow (the Toms don homemade t-shirts of Jax’s nose for the occasion) and wants his eyebrows to be in tip-top shape. Dude, nobody’s gonna be looking at your eyebrows for a while. SANdoval, on the other hand, is very particular about his eyebrows, even more particular than I am about mine. So many questions.
Back at SUR, it’s almost opening time so Stassi, who clearly needs a job, is again stopping by for a visit with her old pals, and also for some goat balls. Stassi loves those goat balls, much preferable to the standard feta. It’s her signature. Ariana remarks on how idiotic she feels in her SUR costume, gives Stassi the breakdown on Kristen’s 45-minute crying jag while picking up her cable box, and remarks that the fact that her BFF, Scheana, and Kristen got matching tattoos (WTF?) is of no concern to her. Stassi is appalled. When she was running SUR this sort of behavior had consequences!
Meanwhile at PUMP, Lisa is working the bar in a plain old t-shirt because Tom #2 had a panic attack and walked off the job mid-shift. WHOOPS. PUMP is in full swing, it’s patrons appearing to be gays and Bravo fans. In other words, my people! Tom #2 is back home wearing a pair of fuzzy leggings of some kind. Microfleece, I think. His and Katie’s bed is draped with a string of red heart lights. Tom #2’s balls were clearly surrendered quite some time ago. Katie is appalled that he can’t even make it through one bar tending shift. How will he make it through parenthood? Let’s hope no one is going to find out anytime soon – thank God these two aren’t having any sex.
Nose job time! Jax is escorted to the doctor by Tom #2, who he fears is going to draw penises on his face in Sharpie as soon as he’s out. (Confession: I did this to someone in college myself. A boy, of course. I felt so bad about it I then tried to remove it with nail polish remover. That was the real grievance in the aftermath.) Pre-op, Jax is horrified to discover he can’t knock boots for a spell after due to the risk of elevating his blood pressure. After being seen in that hair net I just don’t think he needs to worry about getting laid for a while. All goes well, Assy Bellino’s septum sample is extricated from his hairy nostril, Jax fondles the nurse. The end.
Katie and Stassi meet up at some bar for drinks and buffalo sliders, which won’t pair well with Stassi’s very ladylike coat. See, she’s dating a real man now – a sports radio host (what do they possibly have in common?), so she’s all elevated and wears real clothes. They discuss an upcoming OK Magazine party to which the whole
cast gang is invited. Stassi’s always up for anything that involves free booze, and publicity. AND the bonus is no Jax! Why? Stassi asks. Wellll….. Katie gets to drop the bomb that he got a nose job. Stassi is hysterical. He’s such a “woman”. I have to wonder more and more what their relationship was ever based on.
Tom #2 drives Jax home from the nose job in a tiny little Mini Cooper.
Tom #2 is being an excellent Florence Nightingale EXCEPT: he forgot the Vicodin. Dude, you can’t forget the Vicodin! It’s essential! As Jax lies flat on his back on the bed, his pants half off, his bosses Lady Pump and Pirate Pete show up to laugh at him and drink iced tea, because Tom #2 is such a crappy bartender he can’t even produce hot tea. (Couldn’t he at least microwave the iced tea? Or MacGyver something up?) Jax is somewhat alarmed that his bosses will spot all the pilfered candles, glassware, and booze he’s made off with, but they overlook his intransigence and babysit while Tom #2 goes back to the pharmacy for the missing narcotics. Lady Pump advises him to pick up a set of balls in Aisle 6 while he’s at it. We leave Jax in full recline, fondling the dildo he picked up at the surgeon’s office. It oddly looks like this:
Kristen and Horshack work out and catch up on what’s going on at SUR in their absence. Horshack is optimistic that because his Mum and Da are friends with Lady Pump and Mr. Lisa he will be reinstated. Whatever.
SAN and Scheana pay a call upon patient Jax, feed him jelly donuts, and leave him to lie in his own waste and stink. The end.
Later at SUR, the Pumps are dining with Lance Bass, of all people. “Peetah!” calls Lady Pump, sounding just like Fudge. Pirate Peetah is sent off to divide the tips with the staff in the alley, just conveniently when Horshack strolls up to beg for his job back. Pirate Peetah consults with the Lady, who consents with a nod on the grounds that they need busboys. Right. One shift a week on a trial basis, Pete says, now “leave me the fuck alone”. Which is basically how I feel.
Lady Pump visits a Rolls dealership with poor neglected Max, whose skateboard needs new brakes. This is only notable because it was, in fact, MAX who was out on the sidewalk trash-talking his mama to Horshack last week. And smoking! Max and Bruce Jenner! Shocking.
Back to visit the patient, and this time it’s SAN and Ariana. Jax is drinking a homemade wine cooler, which further highlights his manliness and virility. Jax is all disappointed that Katie never visited. She always chooses Stassi. Foreshadowing…
So time for the OK party which is, just OK. The kids are set up at two tables completely across the room from each other so they can shoot daggers and snark over which is the cool kids and which isn’t. Kristen and Horshack show up and slip into the booth where SAN and Ariana are hanging with Scheana and Shay. This is awkward. To up the ante, Pirate Pete challenges his booth (Stassi, Katie, and another brunette) to play some form of iPhone roulette and see who has to go sit with the dorks. Princess Stassi, of course, loses, so off she goes and Pirate Pete comes along just for shits and giggles.
A dumb conversation about the weather ensues. Kristen totally thinks Stassi is here because they are really friends and everything is cool! She’s such a loser! I wrote down that someone decided to visit with vodka and steal mixers and I can’t remember who did what, and don’t care. No one can understand why Scheana and Kristen are friends. Ariana observes that Kristen has “the feral cat thing”: once you let the cat go outside, it’s hard to get it to come back in, and it’s bracing itself with “its four legs on the outside, peeing all over everything”. So, so true. Someone observes that unemployment means Stassi can focus on her new career as a cult leader. Hey, Small would be her perfect partner! I keep saying his destiny is to take over the Church of Scientology from Tom Cruise’s little buddy.
I am totally confused by what to expect for next week; somehow it involves a dog, a photo shoot, a bird costume, and Tom #2. You know, more of the same!