Daylight Savings Time is my nemesis. We don’t even observe it here in Arizona, which is really my complaint about it; each year we fall back and my Bravo schedule falls forward. I’m going to be in a state of constant delay until spring, my friends. I just cannot stay up all night anymore. I am too old.
Thus I am catching up on PumpRules a little late, and for that I apologize. SANdoval has been suspended, and he’s genuinely ashamed of the fight at Mixology. What he should be ashamed of is that tight plaid vest. The fight at least cast a vague shadow of testosterone to SAN.
With Staff Meeting #1 dismissed, Scheana is assigned to supervise the kitchen at the PUMP opening, and Horshack is dismissed to smoke and rant about his firing on the sidewalk out front with Kristen and some mysterious third person. Who is that? He also has a British accent and looks slightly, suspiciously, like Max Pump. He advises Horshack to write Lady Pump a love letter.
Meanwhile, Stassi is meeting her daddy at a sidewalk cafe in Beverly Hills, and some poor man is so shocked to see Princess Stassi Of Pump Rules on camera and right in front of him that he comes to a complete, grinding ambulatory halt on the sidewalk and stares, mouth agape, before Production runs him off. Stassi and Daddy are going to day drink and gossip like old hens. Scheana, Stassi informs him, is not centered, evidenced by her mean Tweeting. Jax is old news and not worth discussing further. Stassi has learned how to cook in her time away and added some “love pounds”. She’ll regret that.
Speaking of Jax, he’s going back to the therapist now that the cameras are rolling again. And he’s here to announce that he’s so mature and evolved now that he broke up with one of the two broads he was simultaneously banging. The therapist is far more interested in the fact that he tattooed the name of the one he unloaded on the armpit opposite the “STASSI” armpit. Codependency is his defense mechanism, she diagnoses. Also, he’s still holding a torch for Stassi, she informs him. He is? Oh, okay. Jax will try to remember that.
Kristen and Horshack meet up at a bar called Liquid Kitty (?) because they are unemployed and have nothing better to do than bitch about how unfair life is and plan their revenge. It’s all Kristen’s fault that Horshack, who was useless and drank at work, got fired, and he’s going to write Lady Pump a love letter and tell her so. Kristen is going to SANdoval’s apartment and retrieve her cable box.
At the gym, SANdoval and Tom #2 walk on the treadmill like old ladies and then attempt one chest press while gossiping. Tom #2 tells SAN he’s “been glowing!” and they coo about sex and how good SAN and Ariana are together while plucking each other’s eyebrows. Tom #2 astutely points out that SAN should be grateful to Jax because had he not banged Kristen their breakup could have lingered on another two to three years before the inevitable collapse, and Kristen might even have gotten knocked up along the way. Which would have required Kristen and SAN to have sex, of course, but that’s a minor detail. (I think it’s funny how all these committed, childless, fancy-free couples openly complain about not having sex. It ain’t gonna get any better from here, people.)
Time for the much-anticipated PUMP opening, the climax, if you will, and Lady Pump is in her home hair salon getting PUMPed into a purple (!) plunge gown. It’s like if Marie Schrader guest-letter-turned on Wheel Of Fortune. But what will Giggy wear? That’s always the real question.
Stassi, unemployed, has been invited to the PUMP opening as a guest, and she’s going to lord it over the SUR staff by stopping by for a drink beforehand. Her white cutout cocktail dress stands in stark contrast to her forgettable friend’s ugly SUR uniform, which looks like a stretched out old airbrushed Six Flags t-shirt from the late ’80s. The forgettable friend tells Stassi that Kristen has been suspended, and Stassi cackles and demands to know how many times you can get suspended without getting fired? Wouldn’t we all like to know that. Horshack shows up and clocks into work, pretending he was never really fired and hoping no one notices while they are all busy at PUMP so he can attempt some form of constructive re-employment claim.
Over at PUMP, the gays love Lisa. One even brings a personal love note. Celebrities are here, meaning Horsey from last season of RHOBH and Bobby Trendy, famous for having redecorated Anna Nicole Smith’s house back when she wasn’t dead. This is big time, kids. When Scheana’s shift is done she sidles up to Stassi at the bar and says “‘Sup?” And it’s on. Scheana meows that Stassi made fun of her wedding. Girl, Stassi hasn’t even seen that hideous wedding getup you’re planning yet, you just wait. Stassi bitches that Scheana mean-Tweets. Scheana defends herself that she only mean-RETweets. Scheana stalks off. Game, set, love, Stassi.
Back at SUR, Jax and Stassi’s forgettable friend have a backstage encounter and the friend mentions that Stassi was in the bar earlier. Jax flips out that he missed seeing her. He just really wants to make sure she’s okay, that’s all! He’s still really close to her family, for real! And her dog! Forgettable Friend calls bullshit and tells him to get lost. Meanwhile, having run down to PUMP to confirm with Mr. Lisa that Horshack really is fired, Pirate Peter calls him out to the alley and tells him to turn in his ugly SUR t-shirt and not come back. Horshack whines that he and Pirate Pete were really good friends until he started dating Kristen, but Pirate Pete calls “my ass” and kicks him out. There’s a waitress out back smoking a hookah, or so it appears, who will testify that Horshack was seriously fired if called as a witness.
At PUMP, Tom #2 doesn’t know how to mix drinks. You ass. I was taught how to mix drinks as soon as I could read the labels on the bottles (age 4).
A new day dawns and SAN and Ariana are killing time at a batting cage, casually discussing his ongoing Kristen issues, of course. SAN has changed the cable bill to his name but the box is still under Kristen’s name and social security number. Ariana is alarmed that this could pose some major Fatal Attraction-style risk to SAN’s precarious credit, and demands he pull out of Kristen’s box ASAP. (I know, I know. I couldn’t help it.)
Stassi is moving into her new apartment and serves Katie and Tom #2 bloody marys in unmatched, ugly Goodwill coffee mugs. More joking about sexless relationships.
Horshack shows up at SUR or PUMP or someplace just precisely when Pirate Pete and Lady Pump happen to be holding an impromptu pretend consultation about this or that, and presents Lady Pump with his apology love letter, which he reads aloud. She’s moved, slightly. Horshack’s handwriting is oddly feminine, and he looks like the Gorton’s Fisherman in that cardi.
Back at SANdoval’s Apartment, Kristen texts and asks if she can stop by to extricate her box. SAN is not entirely sure he’s ready to part with Kristen’s box because he has stuff on the DVR. Girl, please. There’s much weeping and theatrics as Kristen stuffs her remaining scraps into a giant IKEA bag. Ariana rolls her eyes as a snorfling, tearful Kristen finally stumbles out, staggering under the weight of her shit, and her box.
Next time: Tom #2 is not only a crappy bartender, he walks off the job! Jax gets his nose job, and Scheana completely flames out.