It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Mo Umansky attempting to waterski! And not really very well, but at least marginally better than Yo mounted on her bagel. Back on the boat, Yo is fretting in her Baywatch suit and literally counting the seconds until she can get the hell off this damn second-rate yacht and get her Dutch ass on a plane back to L.A. to deal with #2 child Bella and her DUI. Goddamn Champagne O’Clock. Per Yo, Bella was at a friend’s beach house and after having “A” glass of wine felt she needed to go to a nearby gas station, and that’s how she was arrested. Mmm hmmm. At 4 a.m.. With a 0.14 BAC. Yes, people awake at 4 a.m. have had a mere casual glass of wine, and their visits to the gas station are prompted simply by a need for nachos, Slurpees, and lottery tickets. Nothing to see here! No, Bella is an extraordinary, mature person who made a mistake. Just ask her mother.
Whatever. Anyway, Yo is at this point suffering through the remainder of her vacation with the Umanskys with clenched teeth, as frankly are the Umanskys themselves. Mopsy and Cottontail seem terrified to speak. Kyle is trying to keep her family-perfection glee tightly controlled. You can practically see the thought bubble over Yo’s head populated with “you just wait for that Lil’ Portia to turn 17 you smug bitch!” More wine? says Mo.
Back in Malibu, Eileen Davidson is flirtily sparring with her mullethead husband, making milkshakes for her kid, and running lines with her niece/nanny, because she’s returning to Y&R, you guys! Yes, she came back to Days, but sensing the swiftly-decreasing viewership has fled to the more stable ratings of The Young and the Restless, which I’ve always understood to be the soap opera powerhouse. There aren’t a lot left anymore… Eileen and son Jesse hop in her sporty Ford Flex to zip down to CBS for rehearsals. Eileen loves the soap opera lifestyle because she can bring her kid to work, evidenced by a photo of herself breastfeeding in the makeup chair long before Gisele ever did it. Back when I was a Days watcher I was always certain Eileen was actually an Edward, so this display of functional reproductive bits raises my eyebrows. Jesse recalls the distinct smell of CBS with nostalgia. Ah, CBS. Where the smell of Dan Rather lingers.
Lady Pump is back at Chateau Pinko getting packed up for Palm Springs. One of the newer housekeepers has mistakenly washed Giggy instead of his suits and brings him in all wrapped up in a fluffy towel and outraged, telepathically commanding Lady Pump to fire this incompetent nincompoop on the spot. So now Giggy has to go to Palm Springs in dirty pajamas. Mr. Lisa drags five hard white suitcases down the stairs and past the aggressive swans to the getaway vehicle. No LL Bean duffle bags here.
Yo has landed back in LA and shows up at GHDF’s recording studio with an old-school picnic basket to share lunch with Her Love. Yes, this gal streaked back to LA and rather than holing up with her recently-arrested daughter and dragging her to Jesus, Yo instead visited her fancy fridge and assembled a casual, portable meal in a wicker basket. No drive-thru Wendy’s bags here. Yo explains that she needs a little “time to digest” things before confronting Bella, so she’s going to digest by fawning all over her giant ego of a husband and crooning in his ear what a great stepdad and perfect dad he is. Priorities! GHDF attempts a line of analysis by telling her that Dr. Phil (known in my house as Dr. Feel) says “middle child syndrome” is real, which Yo curtly dismisses. There will be no talk of Bella being lost in the shuffle and therefore acting out here.
The Glands is recording her podcast with guest Vivica A. Fox, also now known as “Ghetto Barbie”, not to be confused with Vivica The Fox. The Glands is wearing the first loose garment I have ever seen on her, what appear to be a pair of leopard-print PJs, and is giving modulated, family-friendly behavior a further go by trying to ease up on the swearing, but her guest is not cooperating and keeps turning the conversation in unseemly directions. So The Glands gives up, theorizing that no one is going to download a clean podcast anyway. I think the reason we’re seeing so much of The Glands At Work is because no one will film with her. And Mr. LeeAnn won’t let her film with the kids so they don’t have many options.
The Blonde One’s wedding is imminent, so the Umanskys are jetting back to LA the day before (nice planning skills) and Kimmy and her ill babydaddy Monty are getting mani/pedis. Kimmy reminisces about her life with Monty as a child bride and how even though the actual marriage only lasted two and a half years they have still always been best friends as Monty drifts back and forth to Las Vegas; apparently he is a professional poker player and “heir to a supermarket franchise”, whatever exactly that means. Monty seems like he’s got more problems than just cancer.
The Pumps arrive in Palm Springs at an estate, the name of which I just missed, that they apparently visit frequently as the butler was armed and ready with a glass of iced vodka for Lady Pump. Lipsey Rinna is not far behind, as are a cadre of Lady Pump’s preferred gays, because part of why she’s being honored by Palm Springs is because of her support of the LGBT community. Lady Pump informs us that none of the other Housewives were invited because she only invited her friends and they aren’t that. Lady Pump seems to have shrewdly determined that she can marginalize Housewives she doesn’t like by refusing to film with them, thereby denying them a storyline. Oh, Glandsy, you is screwed.
At dinner, which is attended by Rocio and Giggy on a special puff, one of the gays makes a flattering toast to Lady Pump which she brushes aside with faux modesty by asking Lipsey to change the subject to something about her sex life. Lipsey takes this as an invitation to do a brief stand-up routine about Brazilian waxes and what is pubic hair for, anyway? “Keeps bugs out of the bush,” replies Lady Pump. Technically, I think it keeps bugs IN the bush and NOT in the valley, but I know what she’s getting at and I often wonder the same thing, although not out loud at dinner.
It’s wedding morning at the Umanskys and everyone is running around in an idiotic panic because it’s like 3 a.m. their time in Spain, you guys! They’re so tired, these jetsetters! This is such bullshit. Like they couldn’t have planned their vacation schedule a little more intelligently. EGADS the mountains of spackle in Kyle’s bathroom! I love products but what in hell does she do with all that shit? Christ. Of course they are theatrically late. And of course Mopsy and Cottontail are wearing shrunken Modcloth-type vintagey dresses like all the kids like these days. They look pinched.
Meanwhile, it’s Walk of Stars day in Palm Springs! The Pump kids have finally arrived; here’s Pandy with her charming, perfect husband, and unfortunate Max who got the day off from bussing tables at SUR and left his much-older cougar girlfriend at home. Lady Pump has a fluffy robe wrapped over her pink satin nightgown, which completely dazzles Lipsey who sleeps in a ratty old t-shirt and has changed into a sparkling Kyle For Alene Too caftan before coming down for coffee. Apparently we all need one of those for swanning about in the summertime.
The event is held on a big pink carpet and is attended by about 20 Housewives superfans all in pink. Lipsey wears the aforementioned caftan. Lady Pump, to their tremendous disappointment, is in all black, which is not only surprising but also stupid considering how extensively she has complained about the prospect of heat in the desert sun. Black won’t help that. Lance Bass gives a welcome speech and asks if people can see his nipples through his shirt. Klassy. Lady Pump drawls a thank you and expresses her delight that her star is next to Sonny Bono. Top notch! The end.
Wedding time! It’s at Kathy Hilton’s house in the backyard and nice and all, but these kids are really, really young to be getting married. Kyle is the only Housewife to attend, because she’s family, obviously, but also because this is not a real Housewife event. Actually, are there any guests in attendance? No one other than Kyle’s family and Kathy Hilton are really shown. Is this a real wedding? It’s lovely, seems happy, I’m sure all-you-can-eat Fatburgers were served, but generally something is off about it. I get the idea that it was sort of rushed because of Monty’s illness but as this was filmed in July and he’s still kicking at Christmas I am having a hard time buying that as the explanation for everything.
Next time: it’s a hometown visit with Lipsey Rinna; ALL the Wives are actually getting together in person; and The Glands throws it down with Lady Pump.