“The Village Foghorn” 🇬🇧 Ladies of London Season 3 Episode 1 Recap

I’m back, kids! What a nice long blogging break it’s been since RHONY wrapped up, even as I did disregard the reunion episodes altogether. I have watched nearly nothing of RHOC and am not entirely sure how I feel about returning to BH; dumping Yo may just not be enough wholesale change for me to make time in my overcrowded existence.

While I’ve been offline I actually spent a good stretch across the pond with Mr. Little Mama on a nice anniversary/birthday/why not tour of London, Paris, the Mosel Valley area of Germany, and Alsace. We left Big, Medium, and Small in the capable hands of The Manny and away we went for twelve fabulous days seeing sights, dining and drinking, and connecting with old and older friends currently living overseas, and I am more smitten with Cool Brittania than ever. So I am rested and ready and super excited to resume spending time with you and beautiful, fashionable, clever and witty Ladies of London!

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In the LoL offseason, that crabby old bitch who broke her pelvis and clearly did not want to deal with this shiitake took her pool toys and stormed off, and good riddance because she was grumpy and a drag at all times. And not a mention is made. Instead, we pick up with vegan yogi Julie Montagu at Mapperton, which is looking far less shabby than the average English estate, let alone than the last time we saw it. It seems that Julie’s in-laws, the Earl and Countess of Sandwich, handed over full responsibility for the estate just one month ago, and the Montagus are in full swing bringing Mapp up to speed. It also seems that Mr. Julie is actually Colin, God of Sex, from Love Actually:

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Who knew?

It’s going to be some time before all the lil’ Montagus relocate from London itself, specifically at least two years to get the kids farmed out to the appropriate boarding schools, but for now they are getting this show on the road and maximizing Julie’s LoL/health-guru profile to increase Mapp’s visibility and, presumably, tourism which would pay for the necessary improvements and restorations to make this crumbling pile nearly as profitable as the castle from Downton.

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Meanwhile, back in the Chelsea district of London itself, fellow American Marissa Hermer is getting ready to leave her bed for the first time in nine months and go to hospital to deliver Baby Girl Hermer. It seems Marissa got pregnant right after the previous season, and was quickly diagnosed with some unspecified, life-threatening condition (apparently: placenta accreta, where the placenta is too deeply embedded in the uterine wall) which could cause massive hemorraghing. As a result, Marissa is going in for a C-section to deliver the baby two months early and also undergo a hysterectomy, which is really unfortunate and more than a little scary. Marissa asks Mr. Marissa to fetch the “big pants” from her knicker drawer as he packs her hospital bag. You know the ones.

While Marissa faces a scary medical situation, Caroline Stanbury and erstwhile sister-in-law Sophie are facing medical miseries of their own making as they get tandem banana bags to compensate for the extreme hangovers they gave themselves at the previous evening’s 40th birthday extravaganza thrown by Mr. Caroline S. for his lovely wife.

#americanhustle #aboutlastnight 💃🏾

A photo posted by carolinestanbury (@carolinestanbury) on

Groovy gold jumpsuit!

The Stanbury ladies are both going through life transitions at the moment. Caroline is adjusting to life as a mere housewife now that her business enterprise, Gift Library, is no longer a thing; Sophie is in the process of divorcing Caroline’s brother after seven years of marriage. In-laws or not, they were friends first and intend to remain friends after. Also friends are Sophie and Julie Montagu, which does not make Queen Caroline a’tall happy. Queen Caroline sniffs that Julie Montagu is the “village foghorn” and complains about her efforts to drive a wedge between herself and Juliet last season. I don’t really get why Caroline S. bothers with Juliet in the first place and I suspect Sophie agrees with me, privately sharing with us that Julie does better work in the friendship department than Caroline does in the first place.

The Other Caroline, Fleming, the Danish one, is over at her Chelsea townhouse packing for a trip and allowing her five-year-old son Nico to consume a crunchy granola bar on her bed, which is a terrible idea whether or not you have OCD and/or an abiding preferences for clean, debris-free sheets. Caroline F. is off again to Denmark to see her dad, who has cancer, which has increased the frequency of her visits from monthly to weekly. Exhausting; I hope he appreciates it. Caroline F. and her dad’s relationship has at times been strained due to her career and “occasional love choice”, but presently they are on good terms. I have a feeling we will be visiting Denmark a lot this season.

At hospital, Marissa is whisked into a delivery room without Mr. Marissa who has to wait elsewhere and dither with his sister, and the cameras. Marissa and/or the baby might die but no sign of either of their parents? Ultimately they sneak into the surgery wing and find a nurse who assures them that everything went just fine, not a thing to worry a bit about. Phew!

Banana bag emptied and hotel checkout complete, Queen Caroline has returned to her temporary residence in Surrey to unpack, having moved house. It seems that Mr. Caroline S., Cem, has accepted a tony job offer in Dubai, and as a lease on their fully-furnished-and-fabulous family home was immediately snapped up and one does not go to Dubai in the summer months, the Stanbury/Cems have had to find an extremely regular rental home of their own in which to wait out the heat. When we were visiting our ex-pat friends in London we stayed at their home in Surrey and I kept one eye peeled for Queen C.; from the looks of things, she may have been closer than I had hoped. Anyway, Queen C. summons her makeup artist and her dear friend Adela to help her “unpack”. It would appear this entire situation is intended to introduce Adela as a FOL, and not much info is shared about her except that she is a party girl whose primary attention getting device is her boobs.

Sophie, meanwhile, has gone for a walk with The Village Foghorn to tell her about the upcoming Divorce Lunch she’s hosting and also make sure she’s well-informed about the shit Queen Caroline has been saying about her, which predictably causes The Foghorn to blast. Julie Montagu is aghast that Queen Caroline would describe her as “dangerously loose lipped”, as the word “dangerous” attached to her, the future Countess Sandwich, not only attacks her character, but also threatens her brand, her yoga empire, everything! Her husband would tell you Julie is really quite secretive. This must be about the fact that Julie has a title coming to her and Queen Caroline does not.

After the stroll, Sophie returns to Chutney – excuse me, Putney – to have a picnic with her two little boys in some very high grass before their dad comes to collect for his weekend visit. The Sophie Stanburys have ended their marriage over Dad’s unrelenting party boy ways, and Sophie appears understandably anxious about sending the two little boys and one big one off unsupervised. Clearly Sophie did not get the memo from Yo Hadid Foster Hadid about ticks in tall grass which is another risk she should have considered. Tsk tsk!

Time for the Divorce Lunch at a pub with a patio. Julie Montagu arrives attired for a ladies’ garden party in a floral frock; everyone else is in Breton stripes and shorts, except Queen Caroline who inexplicably selects a denim coverall shorts look from the Britney n’ Justin 2003 “Canadian Tuxedo” collection. This woman used to be a stylist?

So apparently, to set something in motion, Sophie has told Queen Caroline that Julie Montagu is all worked up because Queen C. associated her with the word “dangerous”. However, things go sideways when Julie arrives having realized that Queen Caroline doesn’t have anything nice to say about anyone, so who cares what she says? So now no one knows what to do, and when Juliet, resident of Queen Caroline’s armpit, shows up expecting to jump in on the beat-down, it’s on, sort of half-assedly, but on, and goes around for a while without ever really amounting to much, let alone the tears Queen Caroline was hoping to elicit from Julie, before Julie picks up her handbag and goes home.

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Still to come: that beautiful baby! Julie tackles Mapperton, Caroline Fleming wrings her hands over media attention, and Caroline S. and Julie keep butting heads.

cheerio

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“We’re Too Old For This” 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Finale Recap

Here we go, kids! We pick up with Queen B, still inexplicably in her thong despite all the heavy bleeding we’ve been forced to endure discussion of for weeks on end (don’t forget: we couldn’t go to Hawaii because of her gyney issues so we had to come here to boring old Miami), as she exposes Fiance Tom for the cad he is to The Kountess in her stripey rainbow housedress. She’s not only in her thong, she’s pointing the business end right at poor Lu.

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The Kountess is not only unprepared to learn a bad thing about the man she barely knows but is about to marry, because she likes to plunge in headfirst like that, but she also has forgotten her room card and ends up trapped in the hallway with the Bravo camera crew. “Oh f*cking hell,” she barks, barging into Doritos’ room and locking the cameraman out. They are still miked, however, and The Kountess tells Doritos that Fiance Tom got busted and the Queen knows about it.

The Queen, meanwhile, having had her big moment in the spotlight has now put some clothes on, and when The Kountess ping-pongs back to her room to follow up texts her The Photo. She is very, very sorry, but the fact is that Tom, who was utterly blootered, made out with this chick for over an hour right in front of the Regency bar and then ditched her with the bill for whatever he managed to imbibe in between slobbers. Doritos and Julie Toothpick are astounded; could the photo be old? No, the Queen made sure she had a timestamp. And also confirmation from the general manager, the bartenders, bystanders, and whoever else she could drum up to support this campaign. Doritos is aghast and disgusted, and can’t understand why this couldn’t have been handled in a quieter, gentler manner rather than dragged out to the end of the weekend for a full-blown dramatic expose, and that makes two of us.

Team It’s Really All About Me, however, fully supports the Queen’s tactics, because (a) as Mo knows firsthand, it’s better to find out from a non-friend on nationally-broadcast television as opposed to a writeup in Page Six, which is a distinction without a meaningful difference in my book (and for that matter, I think RHONY has a far bigger audience and the moment of reveal is actually on display, so in those respects this is so much worse in so many ways), and (b) they know what side their bread is buttered on. #teamB. “Give me one of those bottles!” shrieks Queen B, who is handed the requisite bottle of Skinnygirl and begins to chug directly from it, label facing the camera.

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All of this torment and drama and excuse-making and product-placement continues for a solid 15+ minutes until we finally leave Miami behind. On the one hand, the Kountess appears to have realized that not knowing Fiance Tom all that well means she really has no idea whether he has motives for pursuing her that may be more financial and practical than romantic. Also, he may be a bit of a sot. On the other, she really really really really wants to get married, ideally on her own Bravo special. What to do?

So back to NYC we go to wrap this up, and The Kountess, embroidered butt wings and all, checks into a hotel to regather her wits apart from that sloggard. She’s gonna keep him after all, but they need to work things through to convince the world she’s not just putting up with his shittake. Part of their strategy is to put Doritos in play, conspiring with not one but TWO Regency Hotel waiters who are going to deny that the well-documented and -investigated public snogging happened at all, which Tom, Trumplike, thinks is actually gonna work. Doritos tells Mo all this when Mo makes a housecall to Doritos who is wrapped up in green JLo velour and recuperating from the Zika she picked up in Miami. Mo is shocked that they think such an idiot plot would actually work at this point, and doesn’t get why admitting it and moving on isn’t a viable option? Doritos says she told Tom she wasn’t going to participate in this charade, who shouted back that she was going to get uninvited from the unlikely-to-actually-occur wedding spinoff and slammed the phone in her ear. So there! (Queen B and Radzi discuss the same at the Skinnycave, and it appears their short-lived shared empathy has turned to scathing disgust with The Kountess’ motives and choices.)

Also: the Queen is hosting the Finale Party, which is going to be a fiesta featuring a whole lotta GIANT WATERMELONS. I wonder if this could possibly, just maybe have something to do with the carefully coordinated public launch of Skinnygirl Watermelon Lime Margarita that – oh my goodness! – just happened last week?!

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The Queen is even supporting the watermelon theme by letting her factory-installed melons hang out the front of her very Halston plunging jumpsuit and adjusting the alignment of the ones Mo bought after the divorce while she’s at it. Everyone is here, including the pretend boyfriend (So’s new fuckbuddy Rocco, who I actually think swings the other direction), the loathsome drycleaner (Big Fat John, permitted attendance via Production waiver), the Help (who mercifully eliminated the man bun), and the next Househusband to get the predestined RH divorce papers, Mr. Toothpick, who pre-filing arrives as the meat in the Julie/Lu midget sandwich. The only relevant person who is not here is Fiance Tom, who no doubt refused to come and who The Kountess is determined to avoid talking about even as she is committed to “clearing the air” with Bethenny The Spy.

To that end, cocktail hour commenced, The Kountess stalks up to the entire assembled remaining cast, who are discussing the Skinnygirl Watermelon Lime Margarita Pinata full of $10K worth of jewelry that the ‘Wives and ‘Wives ONLY will be permitted to smash and grab imminently, and barks at The Queen to stop talking about her or she’s LEAVING! Fine, the Queen says, no pinata for you even though we weren’t talking about you anyway!

This party, as with every Finale Party, is about tidying up loose ends and embedding others in cement blocks that will be thrown into the Hudson and left for dead. Doritos demands an apology she does not get from The Kountess, who makes smoochy-nice with The Help and ignores Radzi, which seems fine by her. The Queen and Julie Toothpick attempt to resolve what outstanding issues may remain after the dinner confrontation provoked by The Village Shitstirrer, Doritos, who gets yelled at and has her damp armpits patted dry by Mo, who manages to stay out of most of it all. So is stymied by tamales at the buffet and The Queen snaps at the caterer for deigning to serve “vegetarian ceviche”, which isn’t really a thing.

And finally, after they all crowd into the “photo booth” for cheesy snaps taken with carefully curated props tied to season 8 themes, The Kountess and The Queen have it out over Fiance Tom. Fiance Tom is still the fiance, they are determined to make it, and The Queen declares it “sad” that The Kountess has no respect for herself. The Kountess retorts that The Queen is not to talk about Tom anymore, Queen B says don’t worry, I won’t, and The Kountess leaves in a dramatic huff while the rest of the ‘Wives bat down that pinata and claim the hoochie jewels inside before toasting to men who steal from them which seems a thinly-disguised swipe at one recently-eliminated Skinnyboy. The End.

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So after allllllll that, I really don’t think this dramatic reveal of Tom’s Secret Snogging was all that interesting let alone worthy of three extra episodes. The Queen is now busy running her mouth that if she had to do it again she wouldn’t say anything (always a pro at having it both ways!) the reunion is going to be super-dramatic and hinting she might quit this whole three-ring shitshow. Will we be so lucky? I stopped drinking Skinnygirl a while ago, and I am not really into Bethenny After Ever After Forever. She’s just not my girls’ kind of girl.

See you next week on the couches!

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“We’re Not Still Talking About This, Are We?” 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 19 Recap

I decided to get a massage this weekend rather than write up my recap. NO REGRETS WHATSOEVER. After all, this episode was really all about Queen B and the action side of things – what The Kountess is actually going to do about it all – comes on Wednesday. To be followed by the much-anticipated Reunion which The Queen has been alluding to as a whole fiasco for weeks. I don’t know; I am really underwhelmed by this “revelation” about Tom, so I am not expecting a lot, other than hoping The Queen moves along to new pastures because I’m tired of her.

So again, we’re back in The Queen’s room where she’s dithering about with Mo and Radzi over The Incriminating Photo of Tom making out with a Playmate in the hotel bar.

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Radzi advises her that this is all hearsay and she can’t repeat it, but confirms that the bald head in the photo does in fact appear to belong to Tom. She can tell bald heads from bald heads. How do we know, for sure, that this photo was even taken “Wednesday”, and not six months ago? Whoever this friend is who keeps feeding The Queen Tomformation, she is certainly committed to her cause. Mo flees all atwitter and goes to get her hair and nails done. When Lu arrives in the pop-up salon Mo is sorely tempted to drop the bomb herself, because this is really all about AIRTIME and not about The Kountess in the least.

Since Doritos is the “hostess” of this fiasco, she has planned a dinner to which only The Queen and SoMo arrive on time, and of course, Mo, who The Queen labels as “Krissy from Three’s Company“, has told So all about The Incriminating Photo. So they all talk about it some more, criticizing The Kountess for trying to “sell” her relationship (hmm. Maybe that’s because her compainions are relentlessly making her do so?) and being “manic”, in Queen B’s words, for diving into it in the first place. Queen B is one to talk about “manic” relationships and mixed motives after getting herself knocked up (televised pregnancy test and all) and flying headfirst into a Bravo-celebrated wedding and Ever After. So is all emotional about Tom allegedly kissing someone in a bar sometime unconfirmed, because after all, the last time she gave him the Boots of Convenience was just two weeks before he took up with The Kountess, so really she feels cheated on, too. The Queen warns Mo to find a way to contain her diarrhea of the mouth and Mo says anytime she’s nervous she poops, literally and figuratively, so more poop remains to come.

Everyone else is 90 minutes late because they waited for Radzi, who was having “pants issues”. The Queen spots them finally arriving, and she and her minions scramble to claim the end of the table where The Queen can maintain a safe distance from The Kountess in order to extend the storyline to as dramatic and Queen-focused a reveal as possible. Doritos conveniently asks The Kountess what Tom is doing that evening, and The Kountess says she doesn’t know and doesn’t ask. AHA! mentally crows The Queen. Doritos, who is deep in the bag, then is asked what their plans are for the following day; she utters one word: SANDBAR. They are going to SANDBAR. Mo immediately commences bitching about this plan, and Doritos snaps at her not to be a diva because it doesn’t suit any of them. And with that, The Queen and So go home to sulk and try to call Tom themselves, while the rest go to a Carmen Miranda bar where Julie Toothpick gets kinky with a trombone and after contouring her neck Mo leaves to pick up straight men someplace else, alone.

Morning dawns and there’s a delicious looking breakfast buffet featuring eggs Francais in the suite and, AGAIN, discussion of So’s relationship with Tom and whether it was a one-night stand, as The Kountess likes to think, or something more involved. Doritos walks in in the middle of this and audibly rolls her eyes. She’s as tired of this nonsense as the rest of us. You know who else is tired? MO, who has been rode hard and hung up wet, and is not going to SANDBAR, thank you, she’s going to claim she’s staying home to nap but is actually going to stuff herself into her brownest crochet and go to Bagatelle. “Macrame again,” remarks So. “You said no more macrame,” which earns her a sock to the ear and a drag from the suite by Mo. So and The Queen decide to not-so-covertly sneak out to Bagatelle with Mo, but not before The Queen tells Doritos she’s “the Village Idiot” for not being in the loop on Tom’s nefarious doings, which was a completely unnecessary and nasty thing to say.

So everyone else, which includes Radzi who thought going along with the original itinerary was the safer plan, heads out on a boat to go to SANDBAR, which is very literally a sandbar, currently covered by high tide, where marine roach coaches congregate and boatfuls of rowdy gays serenade The Kountess with her own hit song, “Chic C’est La Vie”. Doritos is severely tweaked that this vacation, which she has replanned now TWICE around The Queen’s supposedly cranky uterus, is not being “respected” by those selfish broads. She thinks Mo needs to make herself look important and whoa and behold no one cares. Sounds about right. While over at Bagatelle So moans some more about her broken heart, having lost (and been summarily dissed by) her “lover”, Radzi commandeers a passing kayak to get herself a hot dog and the other ladies some ice cream cups. Personally, I think this excursion to SANDBAR looks like the better choice. Sun, fun, singalongs, and hot dogs!

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The Kountess tells everyone about The Queen’s bizarre query whether she and her newly betrothed are actually monogamous and shares that her “open marriage” was really what The Kount wanted as things fell apart, not something that she sought or engaged in her entire 16 years of family life. And who is The Queen to give her advice? She’s been divorced twice and this current dissolution proceeding has dragged on longer than the actual marriage. The Kountess does have the corner on how to gracefully unwed, that is for sure. She is growing suspicious of The Queen’s motives here, as she should be.

Dinnertime again, and this time The Queen is bringing some “world famous artist” (just ask her) named Romero Britto, who looks like a Latin Richard Simmons and doesn’t seem to actually know The Queen in the least, along as her social barricade. No one else has a clue who this guy in the pajamas is.

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Mo is in Mo Macrame and So wears her tiara, while Doritos’ boobs are hanging out her white jumpsuit and The Queen has gone full Saved By The Bell in crop top and mom jeans. Doritos takes Mo to task for rudely sneaking out to Bagatelle and splitting the group trip into cliques, so The Queen yells at her for “yelling”. So complains some more about how she lost her part-time lover, and The Kountess declares herself to be The Tomslayer who would “kill for him”. Uh oh.

Morning again, and The Queen has summoned The Kountess for The Reveal, for which she has dressed herself in a thong. Because there is NOTHING MORE ATTENTION SEEKING than inserting yourself into a bit of less-than-credible gossip and sharing it with everyone you possibly can in drawn-out, television-filmed exchanges, except for having your buttcheeks hanging out when you finally launch the grenade. The Kountess, on the other hand, is wearing her giantest sunglasses, and kicks things off by telling The Queen she upset (and embarrassed) her with the monogamy inquiry. The Queen apologizes, takes a deep breath, and begins: it’s been dumped in her lap. She just can’t HELP being the one to reveal the terrible news and show The Kountess the photo, allegedly taken on Wednesday, of Tom smooching someone else. IT PAINS HER. But there it is. “Don’t do this to me,” sobs The Kountess, who flees in tears, unable to get into her hotel room and away from the camera crew. I think more of The Queen’s ass than the cheeks was actually showing this episode.

Next time: LE GRAND FINALE! How will The Kountess move along? Stay tuned, kittycats.

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“I Should Put Underwear On” 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 18 Recap

My radio silence for the last two weeks was due to my annual exodus to the Bravo-free zone, where the squawks of obnoxious giant flying rats, also known as Canadian geese, replace the barks of Queen B each late summer. We’ve returned, and to commemorate my children’s first day of the school year yesterday my evening was capped off with a detour to Palm Beach, where the ‘Wives are gathered to “celebrate” The Kountess and Tom’s impending marital bliss, the Queen’s vag having declared another, more desirable trip to Hawaii cancelled. She’s not even in Palm Beach for this event so I don’t understand why the other vags can’t go to the Aloha State without hers. Chaka Khan knows I wouldn’t want to have to go to Hawaii with Queen B, with or without her gyny issues. She’s a fangs-bared muskrat this season.

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So apparently this party, like so many Housewives parties, is going to take place on a yacht. Why is that? Perchance for the view, perchance because there are limited venues willing to participate in this shitshow? SoMo and Radzi are down in a cabin gossiping and stalling their big entrance. While they connive, a curious mix of pocket gays, salivating Viagra users, and a Palm Beach doyenne or two assemble with our betrothed Lu and Tom. So is feeling a little conflicted about being here to celebrate her old bootknocker getting married to her former houseguest, which makes a certain amount of sense both directly and in considering the Ethical Mores of LuAnn De Lesseps: it’s unseemly for her houseguest (Radzi) to take up with The Help, but it’s okay for her as a houseguest to take up with her host’s occasional pipelayer. Radzi romantically muses that “in another age”, So and Tom’s horizontal encounters would make them “lovers”; what does that even mean? In this age they are just middle-aged farts in need of a hump? Basically. Up the stairs they go.

I was pretty taken aback by So’s eye-popping cleavage in her 1990s Elizabeth Hurley bondage dress, but that was before SoMo encountered the bounteous “Kimberly” and her mighty assets on the stair landing. Or Doritos, who appears to have neglected to put on her pants. So declares the crowd “iffy” and not real Palm Beach, and having met “Kimberly” I have to agree. Lu realizes the ‘Wives have emerged and tries very hard to ignore them, physically blocking Mo’s access to Tom, causing her to peep under the Kountess’ armpit and holler “HELLO!”. Radzi, not really friends with the Happy Couple or anyone else, is delighted to be here for the sideshow anyway.

While Doritos tellingly tries to connect Julie Toothpick with a random available dude for a quickie, and So considers showing a Sopranos/Harry Caray hybrid what she isn’t wearing under her gown, Radzi tells Tom, who is trying SOHARD not to talk to SoMo that she needs the information of his “diamond guy” for a girlfriend who is getting engaged. HMMM. How I wonder whether that relates to this. Julie Toothpick, apparently bored, decides to elevate things by playing Cocktail behind the bar while the exasperated bartender commands that she may NOT throw the shaker into the air, dammit! Mo shows her recently retrained dancing skills by whirling like a dervish, alone. Finally a tiny cake is presented and Doritos makes a drunken, slurring toast to “MAWWAIGE”. The Kountess suggests Doritos do the “elegant” thing and quietly disappear below deck. G’night, y’all!

In the morning, we see The Kountess walking Tom toward the mainland and getting totally dissed when she tried to give him an affectionate smooch, while Julie Toothpick calls home and finds out Tiny Husband is still not there and the kids are still dumped with his parents. What the grandparents think about their son’s priorities is unaddressed. Meanwhile, Doritos wakes Radzi up at about noon and is shocked to realize her roommate was sleeping in the near-nude right there next to her! What if there’s a fire?! Mo joins them and now we can talk about Tom.

One fascinating thing we learned last night was that the dinner party where The Kountess “introduced” Tom was not the first time we’ve met this gentleman; flash back to the first season of filming, when Mo was the first to encounter a prowling, eager bald guy out on the town picking up chicks. Tom’s been circling for years!

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Further, Radzi is now here to confirm Mo’s account that she did in fact go out with Tom many more times than the “one or two” (which is it?) dinners Tom now claims, proven by the fact that Radzi first met Tom when he was out with Mo on their third or fourth date. Mo and Tom may not have done the deed, but he did draw “RS+TD” hearts on various of her appendages and attempt to lure her to his apartment to teach her “backgammon”. Mo found him funny and nice but there was no chemistry. She insists she does not care that he’s now with Lu, just finds it all very peculiar, especially in light of his history with So, and speaking of her erstwhile BFF goes off to find her and confirms that yes, having been encouraged to weave herself into the situation So is in fact feeling quite sorry for herself today.

The Kountess, however, couldn’t give a shit about So if she tried, but once Doritos reports that the Downstairs crew is busy rehashing all aspects of The History of Tom And Who Forked Him becomes furious that Mo, who The Kountess invited aboard to celebrate their engagement, is continuing to foment speculation about The Groom, she has a real shitfit to throw at Mo, and she does. The Kountess storms downstairs and starts shrieking at Mo like an enraged mother of ill-behaved children that she needs to STOP talking about Tom and STOP generally being a jealous bitch. “Let’s talk about YOUR inappropriateness,” Mo retorts, and it’s on.

Apparently, some reporter asked The Kountess for comment about Mo’s history with Tom, and The Kountess not only confirmed that there was a history but took it a step further and confused the reporter into reporting that MO was Tom’s Friend With Benefits whereas SO was the one who only wanted to learn backgammon. The Kountess attempts to deny but Mo goes and fetches the clipping and shakes it in Lu’s face, shrieking about how The Kountess “perpetuated” this misinformation, putting Mo’s “name in the press” where she does not want it to be and screwing up her “discreet dating life”, even though all this crap is going to be shown on the show and widely reported for months. So is now feeling sorry for herself that she’s long since forgotten. They stomp upstairs for brunch on deck, where The Kountess and Mo yell at each other some more, eventually including resentful Nopologies, SoMo weakly fake tears over So’s “heartbreak”, and they flash topless military guys as they set off for Miami. Le Sigh.

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Up in Miami, Our Lady of Skin and Bones explodes into her hotel room clad only in a bikini and hooker heels and throws on a coordinating caftan. Normal people cover up to tromp through the public areas of the hotel, not stride through like it’s their own private fitness competition only to put some clothes on in private. She phones up her co-conspirator, Radzi, to ominously inform her that she got the “incriminating texts” and is ready to derail The Happy Couple. The Queen has “no one else to turn to” to assist her in the takedown.

The happier gals arrive and find their rooms, with The Kountess conveniently receiving the wrong key and letting herself into Queen B’s lair, where The Queen launches her attack with an incredulous inquiry. Is she really marrying this guy? Does she really think it’s a good idea? Does she really know him? How well? Is she SURE she can trust him? Is this some sort of open relationship “European” deal like The Kountess had with The Kount? Hmmm? HMMM?! The Kountess, shocked, starts to stammer and extricates herself, writing the interrogation off as a result of The Queen’s nasty divorce, that’s all.

When The Kountess leaves, Radzi darts in, with Mo sneaking in on her heels just before the door closes shut, and they get The Report:

  1. Tom’s money is all inherited or borrowed and he isn’t really independently wealthy by his own efforts.
  2. He dates only wealthy women in hopes it will rub off.
  3. The Queen’s secret source caught him making out with a Playboy Playmate for one hour in a public bar of The Regency Hotel just days ago, and has provided The Queen with photo evidence to prove it.

FACTS. These are FACTS, according to Bethenny The Spy. The Photo is proof, never mind that unless The Queen is some sort of hacker she really has no way to know whether the photo was ACTUALLY taken when she was told it was. The Queen does not know what to do. She just wants to keep things superficial and wait till August when it airs nationwide. No, no, she HAS to tell The Kountess. Go get her! Go get her, minions!

Next time: more caca about So’s shenanigans with Tom and the timing thereof, which I thought we had established we cannot care less about? The Kountess loses it on a cocktail cruise. The Queen calls Tom and demands he account for himself, and Julie Toothpick belts it out on a trumpet. At least someone’s gonna have a good time.

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You’ve Dialed the Bethenny Business Bureau 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 15 Recap

It’s been too hot to think the last few days and I am on my last nerve. This Pokemon Go bullshit is not making matters any easier. We brought Big home from camp on Monday, and first thing Tuesday he’s in and out slamming doors and wandering around in the street every 20 minutes. You know, it’s enough entirely without invisible gremlins letting hot air into the house. I’m TARRRED.

But we must resume with the latest episode of Bethenny After Ever After, and in NYC, it’s still chilly winter and I am jealous. It’s not too cold for Doritos and Julie Toothpick to take a smoke break, and they are venturing back in when they encounter a furious Kountess storming out. She has absolutely HAD IT with all these jealous bitches and is going home. Julie looks like Big Bird in her fur fluff. Back at the table, Mo demands to know exactly what Doritos told The Kountess, which as we all know was that Mo thinks the Kountess is acting all pretentious and big in the britches, but Mo wants to pretend she never said that and Doritos wants to pretend she never told The Kountess that, so instead Doritos says she told The Kountess the girls thought she was separating herself from the group, and makes everyone happy. Except Queen B, who insists that’s all crap and The Kountess is in fact acting all fancy-like. Meanwhile Mo is furiously texting a Mopology to The Kountess that they are all actually happy for her and her newfound romance. “No we’re not,” pipes The Queen.

Radzi is all nodding like she wears pink on Wednesdays and says it’s totally okay to talk about your “friends” behind their backs. It’s not okay with Julie Toothpick, who thinks if you have a problem you should talk to the person directly, nicely. Queen B says she’s perfectly happy that The Kountess is happy, but she still thinks the Kountess is a snot who doesn’t ask anyone – such as The Queen – any questions about themselves. “You don’t ask about me, either,” snarks Julie Toothpick. And: it’s on. The Battle of the Banged Up Vaginas.

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Julie has had enough, dammit. Enough of The Queen making her look stupid, making fun of people, snarking about Julie’s marriage (which at this point everyone is snarking about so she better get used to it). And she’s also mad that The Queen is insensitive about Julie’s disordered eating, which remains a current issue as she just threw up the other day. The Queen does not want to have anything to do with this eating disorder topic because it’s too delicate – for HER. Yes, her mother having an eating disorder makes it too much for HER to involve herself with Julie. She doesn’t think Julie understands HER at all, how Julie’s eating disorder relates to HER. Yes, Julie might die, but it’s BETHENNY’S feelings that matter here. Never mind that she has written something like four or five diet books about how to carefully skate along the edge of the eating disorder cliff and has created an entire enterprise dedicated exclusively to the subject. Never mind that her first Skinnygirl product was a laxative. She just cannot be bothered with it when the issue is Julie Toothpick, not herself. Doritos is actually buying this justification from The Queen, because it’s The Queen we’re dealing with, but as to Radzi she thinks she’s just a mean girl. “Let’s all go to Mohican Sun!” barks Mo, changing the subject.

The next day, Mo and The Kountess meet up on the street to yell at each other for a while about whether or not Mo has been talking crap about The Kountess and how it’s basically all Doritos’ fault, anyway. Mo insists she is just concerned about The Kountess because she is “in lust”. The Kountess insists she knows when she knows and it’s a gift and too bad for Mo that she doesn’t have it. They argue some more about the Mark Hotel and whether The Kountess stole Tom from some chick, and The Kountess don’t care because he left willingly, too bad so sad. In other news, The Kountess feels like she’s over a hump with Radzi and she’s off to Vail with Tom, goodbye. No trip to the casino for her.

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Doritos and Queen B come over to Radzi’s apartment so The Help can make them all heart-shaped vegan pizzas on cauliflower crust. Yummy? Why bother? If you want to eat tofu and poo, just eat tofu and poo. Don’t call it pizza, for God’s sake. The Mean Girls think Julie is wrong to be mad at them, and that what she should have done is approach them separately. Yes, she should have been rational and calm and made the whole thing an arduous chore rather than lose her temper and blurt out what was on her mind. The Queen has decided she shall not speak to Julie Toothpick. She’s banished. Goodbye. I love how Bethenny expects everyone to act all mature and reasonable and she’s really a childish prat.

Over at the SoStone, So has borrowed a butler because she’s having Doritos and Julie Toothpick and their respective mens over for a fancy dinner and Julie’s bringing a setup for So. The butler is totally irritated that So does not have a clue what she’s doing with the table or how to manage help even as she pretends to be all Lady Morgan. Plus, she isn’t paying him for this shit and he is not an intern. The guests arrive and BFJ is wearing a velvet smoking jacket; Mr. Toothpick managed to get them there reasonably on time even though he came home late and leapt into the shower, again. And here’s the guy they’ve brought for So: his name is Rocco, he has an accent, and the epaulets on his rumpled jacket are making him look like Sgt. Pepper.

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With all assembled, So swans in to make her Entrance, carrying her purse with trumpets blaring. It turns out she knows this Rocco dude already and Julie pats herself on the back for bringing him over for a sure score. They dine, with So positioned to see the kitchen as the temp butler directed her, and using 200-year-old giant sheets as napkins. So explains that back in the old days, The Morgans used the same napkins for a week and these are them. I thought they were cloth diapers. They are so big you could swaddle BFJ in one, and that’s saying something. I wonder if dinner was made in the toaster oven. I do think this entire event was staged to talk about the napkins.

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It’s time to board the chubby bus and go to the casino, kids! Mo has loaded it up with a full selection of Skinnygirl products and even a few bottles of RAMONA Pinot Grigio stuck in the back. So is delighted to get to go on a trip this season. Since she’s not drinking she scheduled a dental service for immediately before and is loaded on Percocet instead. Once everyone is on board, away they go and they toast to The Kountess who went and got herself engaged the previous few days. The ring is an eight carat yellow diamond of which Doritos got a text photo, which she passes around. So sniffs that eight carats is so nouveau and four is more like it for truly rich old school people whose napkins are bigger than everyone else’s.

The Queen parks herself two feet from Julie Toothpick and starts talking about her to Doritos, who seems nervous and tries to get her to pipe down. Julie rolls her eyes. Next The Queen moves on to So and declares her banishment lifted. So is so relieved, and thanks The Queen for the forgiveness. She always knew she had a good heart. The Queen blushes and looks down in smug satisfaction. This is such bullshit.

Next time: despite her broken vag, The Queen performs handstands in public. Julie’s campaign against The Queen continues. Mo tries to meddle with Tom, and The Kountess returns, betrothed.

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“Edith Bunker Calls It a Brassiere” 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 14 Recap

I misplaced my notes from last week so never got that one recapped; suffice it to say that Julie Toothpick tried to dose the calzone with lidocaine and forks; The Kountess cannot be bawthered with Radzi; and Queen B is still being overly graphic with us about her ladybits issues. The End.

We resume to find it has snowed in NYC! And it looks so fresh and pretty, which will change real fast. There’s nothing ickier than dirty snow. Queen B is arriving at Skinnygirl Central wearing a shirt that reads “I am not okay today”. She really loves the message shirt, doesn’t she? I think she’s a little old for it. When she’s 90 is she going to wear one that says “please change my Depends”? Despite still feeling less than 100%, The Queen is going to fulfill her commitment to appear at the launch of Skinnygirl Candy, which is either an oxymoron or a diarrhea producer (I suspect the latter now that Skinnygirl Fiber Supplements have left the product line; covert poop-enhancer would need to make it’s way in somewhere), and she’s getting dolled up with a red wig and a giant Skinnygirl Chocolate wrapper clutch for the occasion, threatening to bed a stranger who is unaware of the biohazard risk. She’s only invited Radzi to attend the event because she’s her only real friend, but acknowledges that Mo has been supportive, showing up with an ugly mixed bouquet and the promise to stay in the next room reading on at least one occasion.

Speaking of Mo, she’s reunited with her better half, So, and they are taking a hip-class from a go-go dancer who performed at a recent Kountess Lu event in order to update their “moves”. This is also a chance for Mo to complain about The Kountess, who she feels is so absorbed in her own romantic life that she isn’t being a true friend to others. So thinks they all need to cut The Kountess a break and accept that she’s obsessed with closing the deal with Tom after just four weeks, as any rational person would be. SoMo ends up working on their Axl Rose impressions and that’s as far as the dancing goes.

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Queen B’s party is going to take place at Dylan’s Candy Bar, where I think Skinnygirl Candy is unlikely to be sold. Nothing says “skinny” quite like beverages garnished with mini doughnuts. The only people in attendance besides The Queen and her minions are Radzi and basically four people off the street. The Queen thanks Radzi for coming and complains that she doesn’t have a mother whose breast she can nuzzle over her gyney issues. She needs a message shirt that says “I have mommy issues”. Radzi offers to come with to El Doctor as she has lots of experience with hospitals.

Speaking of gyney issues, Julie Toothpick makes her way to her plastic surgeon’s office to check on her ladybits after the still-unexplained window climbing accident. (Had anyone but So, who climbs through windows and bangs up her bits regularly, been the audience for that scene we might have learned something useful.) Julie wants to make sure the big ball sack she’s toting around is resuming its “perfect pistachio” original appearance, and Dr. Retainer and the neighbors across the street, who can see right up the stirrups through the office window, assure her things are going in the right direction. I have never bothered with a mirror to see what’s going on down there, because I don’t think it’s really any of my concern, but I am thinking small green shelled nuts is not the first resemblance that would come to mind, and I haven’t had a close crotch encounter with any windows.

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Queen B and Radzi are on their way to not the hospital, even though The Queen is all weepy like she’s being rolled in for her execution, but another lady doctor for a second opinion, one she doesn’t even have to take her clothes off for. Although Radzi cautions The Queen not to doctor shop because it will never end, this German lady recommends taking a short breather and trying a little progesterone to see if things die down. A little medical marijuana might help here, too.

From there we’re back to Bethenny’s Place, where all the girls she likes and none of the bitches she doesn’t are invited for a tea latte, whatever that is. She’d do a real latte but coffee gives Mo the shits. The Queen updates Mo, Doritos, and Radzi (who was there already) on what the German lady said and how it could all be because The Queen is too delicate for hormonal birth control. Mo suggests she get a diaphragm which The Queen dismisses out of hand as altogether too 1983. Speaking of 1983, how is Radzi feeling about The Kountess? Well, she thinks she’s a big fat phony and hasn’t adequately apologized, as we’ve all heard 10,000 times. Doritos rolls her eyes, but this is Mo’s chance to unleash the Singer Stinger and get The Kountess declared narcissistic and unlikeable. The Queen agrees that Lu is acting uppity like it is 2011, then bestows her favored subjects, Doritos and Mo, with one-piece bathing suits for reasons that go unexplained. Mo is concerned her nipples will show.

Doritos leaves this shitshow to meet The Kountess for an egg sandwich, hold the bread between your knees please, and tell her everyone is badmouthing her. She thinks Lu needs to come to Doritos’ upcoming dinner party and get this shit straightened out once and for all, and promises to referee. They agree that Mo is insanely jealous and her asshole is showing.

Dinnertime! Julie Toothpick is first to arrive in a giant fur shrug and a half shirt, followed by a stuffy Kountess, who isn’t going to stay to eat thank you, and Radzi, who is wearing giant bell-shaped cuffs that will make it impossible for her to consume food, either. I find it odd that Radzi, who notably does not eat, is so focused on the eating foibles of others. Takes one to know one methinks. The Queen arrives in a fembot uniform (or, as this Tweeter observed, a Beetlejuice costume) and the awkwardness may now commence.

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The Kountess explains that she’s not staying long because she’s under the weather; The Queen sniffs that her neverending period trumps The Kountess’ sniffles. Try telling that to a man with a mancold. The Queen demands to know the status of The Kountess’ relationship, and Lu tells us that she’s moved into Tom’s UES penthouse, complete with terrace, and he’s ring shopping. Radzi quite politely congratulates her before questioning if you do that, which is not meant meanly but simply because one is to offer best wishes to a marrying couple, not congratulate someone for landing the beast.

So arrives and takes a seat at the opposite end of the table from The Queen, who she feels fearful of after the beating she took at their last meeting. Queen B sniffs that the whole thing “was handled badly”, as though she bore no role in it, and demonstrates that things are cool by elevating a discussion about the state of The Toothpick’s healing cooter into loud shouting about who has had sex most recently, at which point Mo arrives and gets all huffy that she hasn’t been greeted with streamers and the receiving line to which she has become accustomed.

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Lu, however, is all too accustomed to Mo’s self-involved bullshit and immediately calls her on the carpet for talking shit about her behind her back. Mo stutters that Lu is “seeing hesitation” from her because she’s simply concerned that The Kountess is rushing into things. Which is crap, and Lu says so, and points out that everyone else is happy for her so this is Mo’s jealousy nip slipping out. At which point The Queen decides to pipe up about how Tom is yet another case of SoMoLu banging the same guy, which may or may not be accurate, but gives So an opportunity to offer that she and Tom had been “friends with benefits” for ten years. She intends this to mean that despite her history of spreading it like peanut butter and jelly for Mr. Lu, she’s perfectly happy to have passed the butter knife on, but what The Kountess hears is yet another bitch not being happy for her. She does not care about Tom’s personal history Before Lu, and everyone is being awful except Radzi of all people, and she storms out.

Next time: the Toothpick takes on The Queen and The Princess; So has an awkward dinner party, and Mo thinks they all need to go to the casino on the res, because that went so well last year.

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TMI 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 12 Recap

I was too busy to fully recap last week, but here’s what happened: The Kountess invited herself on Queen B’s upcoming Mexico trip; everyone claims to have knocked boots with the soon-to-be-Mr. LuAnn; and The Queen started to experience graphic gynecological issues, about which we are about to here entirely too much more. Le sigh.

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We return to Manhattan and find Radzi delivering Baby The Dog to a photo shoot involving other dogs and a wedding theme. What’s happening? Why are dogs being piled on an inflatable swan pool toy? This whole situation takes a bit of sorting but it appears Radzi is vaguely friends with one of the few non-emaciated New Yorkers who happens to own a dog named Finn, and Finn is betrothed to a dog named Toast who is descended from a celebrity dog named The Fat Jewish, and as Toast’s owner is a socialite named Amanda Hearst there is to be some sort of “celebrity dog wedding” for animal rights and Vanity Fair is going to cover it. (Not to agree with The Donald on anything, but VF needs a kick in the pants. A few months ago there was an article about a failed, fraudulent engagement between some unknown woman and a doctor who was once profiled on Dr. Oz or something like that. This is important because? Every issue since has been a bit meh.) I really don’t understand what’s going on here, but what’s intriguing is the introduction of a gentleman named Tripp who is Baby’s “co-parent”. What? Well, I googled, and I don’t know who Tripp is but there’s a third “co-parent” who happens to be RHOC ‘Wife Meghan’s brother. This feels a bit like rent-a-dog to me.

Meanwhile, Doritos and Julie Toothpick are out shopping, although they don’t buy anything and basically just drink free wine out of plastic cups in the dressing room and gossip. First up is the upcoming trip to Mexico, to which So is Not Invited. Doritos has informed So of this fact, and told her she needs to be healthy and apologize to The Queen for the transgression with the Tipsygirl Prosecco if she wants to get back into the fold. Second topic is The Kountess’ new boyfriend, a relationship Mo is trying to undermine by claiming she had some extensive previous involvement with him, and even if not that he’s still close to his ex-girlfriend and gave her a Christmas present. Apparently Doritos has spoken to the ex in question, who clarified that Tom only went out with Mo once and that accidental encounters on the street that Mo is imagining as dates don’t count. Whether the Christmas gift amounts to anything is in the eye of the Kountess, one would suppose. Doritos thinks Mo can’t be happy for anyone else and is The Embellisher. She warns Toothpick Julie to buckle up and pace herself in Mexico, because once dinner rolls around it’s time to “let ‘er rip”.

Speaking of SoMo, they are reunited in their favorite place, So’s bed, So having segregated one of her floppy dogs into a Pack & Play for the occasion. So has quit drinking and is working out, in order to get back into the good graces of The Queen and Production, and it looks good on her. She’s invited to the upcoming Dog Wedding but not the trip to Mexico, and Mo advises her on how to leverage her access to Queen B at the Dog Wedding to wangle an invite to Mexico after all, role play and all. We’ll see how that goes.

The Queen, for her part, is still bleeding copiously, and significantly more time is dedicated to the discussion of her gynecological issues than I really care for this episode. Basically, it’s fibroids. She meets Radzi for a drink and a bitch session, and confesses that she failed to noninvite The Kountess on this Mexico trip (which, mind you, The Queen claims she is personally paying for, which is a load of caca if you ask me) and when The Kountess texted a thank you basically threw Radzi under the bus and said she, Radzi, would have veto power on her permission slip. Neither The Queen nor Radzi want to experience any “ho-bag moments” on this trip, which is “everyone’s trip”, even if The Queen claims it’s really hers and that only some of everyone is allowed. She’s not going to the Dog Wedding because she is seeing the gyne.

Toothpick Julie has Dr. Praeger coming over so she can reveal to her tiny wayward husband what she’s been doing when he’s been on the loose: concocting a “clearing tonic” based on ancient Asian wisdom passed down from the women in her family. Let’s talk about Dr. Praeger for a minute; I have been familiar with his spinach cakes for some time, and have unsuccessfully tried to slip them to my kids before giving up. Who expected Dr. Praeger was going to look like this?:

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I would have expected something more like this:

Anyway, Toothpick Julie is quite pleased with herself, and feels having accomplished something is good for her recovery. Mr. Toothpick is pleased, but not without snark as to her sneakiness, and announces he feels like he’s been cheated on. Julie retorts that one day, he might ask for half her shit if this operation is as profitable as she hopes. Meep.

Doritos and Bethenny go to Homegoods, because Doritos is redecorating, thank God. They have a Homegoods in Manhattan? More Bethennyblather about the profuse genital bleeding before they bolt for the gyne together.

Meanwhile, in anticipation of the Dog Wedding, Toothpick Julie has invited So over for a glam session with her on-call beauty squad summoned on her batphone. Why is there a huge pile of leather cushions in the corner of her kitchen? Anyway, while they wait for Hair and Makeup, because God forbid anyone put their own mascara here, Toothpick shows So a photo over her own ladybits because she somehow incurred a hematoma climbing through a window.

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A what when? And it required catheterization and three days of recovery? So thinks Mr. Toothpick is never going back down there if he saw what Julie had going on over the last few days. Somehow I think that was already a non-issue.

Doritos returns to The Queen’s apartment after the doctor’s appointment where the SkinnyStaff is running around like the Secret Service in a panic trying to tend to The Queen’s gyne needs. She has apparently lost 10% of her blood due to giant fibroids, and is facing multiple options for surgery, one of which is a hysterectomy and several of which would render her infertile. Given that The Queen is a little long in the tooth and still technically married the chances of future Skinnybabies seem limited, but a girl should leave her options open if possible. One thing that’s for sure is that the Mexico trip is off, which takes care of the undesirables neatly.

Off to the Dog Wedding of the Year! Marchesa has made a couture canine gown for this event, at which there will be 300 guests and nearly as many canine companions. Gossip columnist Cindy Adams is going to officiate in an ugly dog sweater, and Simon Doonan, a famous gay, is going to give away the bride, Toast, because The Fat Jewish is otherwise engaged. Priorities! It’s all slightly amusing and raises $10,000 for a puppy mill rescue, which is sort of underwhelming. After the ceremony, the ‘Wives gather for an update on The Queen’s vagina problems, at which time Doritos gets to make the announcement that the Mexico trip is off. Radzi is secretly relieved. So feels thwarted again in getting back into the fold. Mo is totally tweaked because she had all her outfits lined up and photo-loaded into her outfit app, and now what? Since she’s not going to Mexico on a beach vacation she decides to cut the cake and take a bite of the bow. Screw you, Toast and Finn! Overall, this episode was about as exciting as a dog wedding. Pfffttttt.

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Next time: It’s The Kountess vs. Radzi Part 537. The Queen is freaking out about whether her minions can find her living will (and she better find it, because if Jason is still named to pull the plug things could get interesting). And it’s the return of Holla, on ice!

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“Sorry If I Blew Up The House” 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 10 Recap

I forgot to mention in the recap of last week’s episode that the guest room closet of my childhood home is wallpapered – purple monkeys swinging on vines. Yes, I am THAT FANCY. If you have an interest in owning an 80-year old house with purple monkey wallpaper in one closet, it may be available to you if the contract my mother has with the current asshat falls through, so message me. Serious inquiries only.

So back to Doritos’ Berkshires kitchen where the aroma of kosher lasagna has drawn The Queen down from her ivory tower to find The Kountess once again complaining about The Queen complaining about her sluttiness. Queen B, still in her onesie, demands to know whether this is part deux of the “apology” The Kountess just sent her by text. Exasperated, LuAnn once again explains that she did not mean to imply she was somehow involved in the creation of the Skinnygirl Margarita, and yes, she’s tweaked that Queen B keeps crapping on her for having a social life.

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The Queen responds that yes, in fact The Kountess DID imply to people that she was somehow involved in the invention (an assertion she does not back up or detail in any way), and further that she, The Queen, has standing to complain about The Kountess’ sluttiness because she objects to the way LuAnn slut-shames other people for doing the same things she does herself. For example, Radzi: The Queen accuses The Kountess of having publicly humiliated Radzi over dating a much-younger man when she herself had also dated a 25-year-old and is Radzi’s same age.

The way I remember it, The Kountess’ objection was over Radzi screwing The Kountess’ Help because The Help had previously been screwing The Kountess’ niece, so I never really thought age had anything to do with it. Nonetheless, The Queen insists The Kountess is not “admitting” who she is. I think the Kountess has perfectly well admitted she’s a two-bit UES floozy, so I am going to take her side in all this. Also, while she may or may not have knowingly slept with a married man, I don’t recall her ever accusing anyone else of doing so, which is particularly interesting now that rumor has it that The Queen herself is now involved with the husband of one of her own friends. Mmm hmmm. Doritos and Toothpick Julie have had enough of this and are playing Twister in the billiards room.

The Queen’s next line of attack is that women, specifically herself and Mo, do not want to have their men around The Kountess because she’s a maneater. The Kountess thinks Mo is just jealous because she, The Kountess, is now involved with a man that Mo failed with. The Queen persists in insisting that The Kountess stole Tom from Mo, but I don’t think any of us got any impression that Tom wanted anything other than to escape Mo. Wouldn’t you?

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So who are we, or Queen B, to deny him the right to a new pursuit? I just don’t get this. The Kountess calls on Doritos to weigh in that women are perfectly comfortable having their men around her – in fact, Doritos lets her hang out with Big Fat John all the time! The Kountess thinks Queen B is just picking her apart to compile a list of complaints and take her down on one or the other of them. Certainly does seem like it.

NEXT! Next issue is that The Kountess has appointed herself as So’s savior, and Queen B and Radzi both think this is a bad idea. This makes The Kountess cry, because she’s apparently worried So is going to be chopped up by a sexual deviant and eaten for a midnight snack if she’s not looking out for her. Listen, bitches: first, if The Kountess is the only person willing to put herself out there for So, I really don’t think anyone else should criticize her for it because I don’t see any of them protecting her from serial killers.

Second, what I think is actually happening is LuAnn is “mentoring” So in how to stay on the show: I think that after the fiasco with Kim Richards, Production was sort of in a quandary about what to do with the rest of the hot messes on their salary list. They haven’t cut her loose, but they have marginalized So to effectively FOH, a position from which Lu rose like a phoenix just a year back. Knowing that So not only needs the money but also the relevance, I think Lu has moved into the SoStone and is carrying on this batty-ladies-about-the-UES storyline in order to keep her afloat. (Point of illustration: while all this bitchery is afoot, So is home on a Saturday night with her herd of “interns”, wearing her favorite fur stole, and rummaging through her junk drawers to find enough random miscellany to fill a box she can send to her daughter as a “care package”. Because nothing says I Care like a half-used package of makeup removal wipes.) And no: no one else will film with So, much less give her a storyline. So yes, Lu is helping her. And I actually think they are all tweaked with Lu for keeping So into the fold – especially The Queen, because now So is involving herself with cheap ripoffs of the Skinny family of products for lack of anything better to do. And also Mo, who was really hoping to have freed herself from her erstwhile BFF by now. She’s such a caregiver.

Dinnertime! Just as the carb-avoidants are digging into kosher lasagna, who should burst through the French doors but SANTA! And this Santa – Shanta! – has boobs! Shanta has brought gifts for all: giant personalized wine glasses that each hold an entire bottle of wine. PERFECT. The Queen realizes that Doritos knows how to throw a fantastic party and she went and shit all over it. (Again.) Radzi decides that being around The Kountess and failing to win the argument is depressing and goes to bed. The Kountess and The Queen apologize to each other, after which The Queen informs The Kountess that she still thinks she’s “cunning and crafty” and steals men. Mo agrees, and The Kountess points out that Mo does exactly the same thing, so what? Stalemate. Doritos is so glad she had this party for this ridiculous group of bitches who ruin everything, every time.

To make sure Doritos really feels how much Queen B appreciates her kindness and warmth, The Queen and Radzi decide to make a break for it in the morning: just throw their shit in a bag, toss their coats on over the PJs Doritos thoughtfully gifted them, and flee. As Doritos, Julie Toothpick, and The Kountess happily prepare breakfast (Julie Toothpick questioning whether the whisk is actually The Tingler), these two tacky broads dart out the side door and run for their car until they are busted by the Kountess and made to come back in and shamefully say their adieus. Doritos thinks it’s weird and unappreciative that they raced out like that. Mo, predictably, thinks the two asses she’s kissing proffered a “very nice and warm goodbye”. Well yes, for them.

Back in the city, Julie Toothpick continues to soldier through life without her nanny, who apparently was so full-service that her responsibilities included shaving Julie’s armpits, which Julie claims are now full of hair 3″ long. No wonder the nanny quit. The good news is that her dad is over the pneumonia and is going in for the hip replacement. The End. Meanwhile The Queen and Radzi are commisserating over avocado toast and complaining that Mo has invited them to a party. Queen B intends to do a “drive by”. Also they still think The Kountess is hypocritical about her sluttiness. AND NONE OF US CARE.

So time for Mo’s party, which we already know is going to suck. Interestingly, as the crowd develops there does not appear to be one single heterosexual male in attendance. What does this say about MEN not wanting to be around MO? The Kountess is first to arrive in a burgundy lace jumpsuit from her Kollection that makes her ass look YUGE. Mo, in her white rabbit sweater, basically tells her so. Lu don’t care. Queen B, in a Dynasty jumpsuit, and Radzi show up next to get their drive by clock ticking. The Kountess attempts to make nice with them AGAIN and they really aren’t having it although Queen B mumbles that she was overly nasty in the Berkshires because of work stuff. On Wednesdays we wear pink.

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After a bunch of small talk and side-eye whispering So Morgan enters the building. She’s wearing a red Elvis jumpsuit. As soon as Queen B gets a sniff she’s up and looking for her coat. The Kountess scuttles over to So and tells her she has five minutes to get her shit straightened out with The Queen, but as it turns out she only has more like five seconds because The Queen and Radzi do as they always do and climb out the fire escape. Poof!

Lu and Mo round up on So about whether she got to shout her intention to drop the Tipsygirl thing after The Queen as she skittered away down the block. So says no she didn’t, and no she won’t, either, and she never said she would and everyone is a big fat bitch because she didn’t even get a chance to TELL the Queen she wasn’t going to give an inch, which I thought was perfectly clear after their unfortunate last interaction anyway, because The Queen ran away, and she, So, should have been invited to Doritos to ruin that party even more! This lame party is the wrong place for So to try and fail to kiss The Queen’s ass; Doritos’ house would have been the right place! She shoulda been invited! Doritos meows that if So had been invited, some other people would not have come. So barks back that that just proves that “other people” are more important than she is. WHY does she want to be friends with these bitches? Someone needs to fetch the butterfly net.

Next time: Mo and So try to crap on Lu about Tom. Julie Toothpick gets jealous about the idea of a hot nanny (snore), and The Queen plans a big trip to Mexico and guess who she’s not going to invite?

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“If You Can’t Behave You Can All Go Home!” 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 9 Recap

As a flock of squawking geese and one crapping canine foreshadow, Doritos’ slumber party is about to devolve into an episode of shitshow bitchery.img_1815-1.jpg

When last we saw them, Queen B had exploded into the house and unleashed the kraken on Kountess Lu for having had the temerity to point out that their hair looks alike, and that she, the Kountess, had been present at the birth of the Skinnygirl Margarita. Which anyone who has historically watched this show knows is true; these two broads were out for a drink when The Queen introduced her low-cal cocktail idea to the masses. At the time I didn’t think it sounded too delicious but now I can’t drink a margarita any other way. I still couldn’t be identified as a “skinny girl”, though. My time will come. I can feel it.

Anyway, while The Queen might be feeling a little snarly, the Kountess is clearly here for a party so she blows past Queen B’s bared teeth and carries on in a social tone, asking the Queen what’s new in her life, personal or otherwise, which only makes The Queen madder. “You never tell LuAnn who you are dating or, God forbid, if they have a big penis,” she snaps to us, privately. What exactly goes on among these women that they might ever have occasion to provide or feel compelled to withhold information about a man’s member? The Queen pops up in a huff and stomps over to plant herself next to Mo, who is sitting next to the Kountess, and loudly whisper a barrage of physical threats against the Kountess for having had the NERVE to speak of or with The Queen without permission. 

The Kountess, of course, can HEAR this entire line, so she asks The Queen what’s the fuss? That’s when Queen B cracks wide open and attacks Lu for being “full of it”, “it” apparently being the large dicks of men all over the UES and sections of Downtown, to boot. She’s loaded for bear, and the bear she has in her exclusive sights is one named Lu.

As Radzi arrives and Doritos welcomes her in an effort to make things normal and holiday-festive, The Queen continues to loudly berate the Kountess, eyes narrowed and fangs bared, for not only not having asked Mo’s permission to date her current boyfriend, Tom, who Mo had gone to dinner with a few times, but further over some story some friend of hers came up with in which the Kountess moved in on said Tom by mounting him in the bar at the Mark Hotel and telling him she was “next”. Lu insists this is ridiculous. Radzi admires Doritos’ “happy” decor. I wish Radzi had washed her hair before coming to sleep on one of Doritos’ pillowcases. #ew

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While Mo preens over The Queen having picked her, The Queen is not done. Stalking Lu down in the kitchen and getting all nose-to-nose, she shrilly shrieks at her about the hair comment, about fucking a million men, about staying out drinking till 5 a.m., about playing Grey Gardens with So at the SoStone, for screwing a married man and a 25-year-old and giving someone else a hard time about doing the same whereas for her it’s appropriate. She’s a slut, a liar, a hypocrite, and a snake! She’s sick of the way that the Kountess lives and how she’s bringing guys home to the SoStone every night and thinks she’s a mentor and helping So rehab. And with that, the Queen stomps out in her Herman Munster boots. The Kountess realizes she has made a huge mistake and should have stayed home with So. Hey, she could have gotten screwed the conventional way!

The Queen storms upstairs to unload some more about how she feels like she just took a giant crap after a long stretch of constipation. This is the face of a post-constipation?

Maybe dropping the fiber drink from the Skinnygirl line of supplements wasn’t such a great idea.

The Kountess, meanwhile, storms outside for a smoke break with Julie Toothpick, who is trying to call the hospital to check on her dad. The doctor is coming in ten minutes and right now he’s incoherent and she’s upset. The Kountess, who cannot be bawthered, responds by tearfully complaining about how hurtful The Queen was and how she called her a slut. Julie tries to suggest there are bigger problems in the world, like IMPENDING DEATH, but Lu insists it’s just awful what The Queen just did to her and blows right past the issue of Julie’s dad being deathly ill and hospitalized. So, fine. Julie will play it her way. Doritos comes out to see if she can bum a smoke, and Lu unloads on her for failing to swop in and defend her from the evil Queen. Doritos insists she had no idea what was going on and missed the whole thing, and besides, in what etiquette book besides the Kountess’ does it impose a burden on hostesses to referee bitching broads? In my book, people who come to someone’s home to behave like an asshole get asked to leave and not come back.

Upstairs, The Queen howls with Radzi about how HILARIOUS it is that Doritos can’t have a “normal” party! No, she can’t – The Queen has to consistently ruin it. The Queen thinks Doritos should not be in the hospitality business. I think The Queen should not be on the invitation list. But it’s her show, so everyone is going to gaggle up on the bed and giggle with her – all but Lu, the lowly, left-out slut.

Lu, who is meowing that she can’t stay, but isn’t exactly going to leave, either, returns to the kitchen to pout and Mo runs behind, because she’s now The Caregiver, that Mo. She takes care of people, see. (Never mind that this whole fiasco is largely because Queen B is taking offense at a situation in which she, Mo Singer The Caregiver, was alleged to be the victim, and if she really wanted to be a caring person she would have settled this mess out rather than leave it to her Dear Friend Doritos to clean up.) As Mo laughs like a hyena, Lu makes the mistake of finding humor in the fact that she’s here being assailed at a non-birthday party at which a birthday cake – that one over there! – is going to be served.

Whoops. Making a joke about Ma’s cake, which wasn’t in fact homemade and may just have been revealed to be a number of days if not a week old, is where Doritos draws the line. And she’s approaching Stage 4 table-tossing. “I cooked all day! I decorated! I did it nice!” she shrieks, waving a wine bottle in the air like Poseidon’s staff. “I made it nice! If you can’t behave you can all GO HOME!” Meanwhile it’s 4:55 p.m. and the cold cuts are still out. 

Ohshit.

“Suck it up, suck it up,” Mo mutters, scampering around to warn the ‘Wives that mama ain’t happy ’cause someone insulted her cake. Lu whines that everything was fine until Queen B showed up, which may be true but tough shit. Let’s play games, or open presents, or at least do the polar bear plunge. SOMETHING. Presents wins. 

The Queen, who still has her coat on for some reason, realizes her asshole has been showing the whole time. 

Still, it’s really the Kountess’ fault that The Queen was made to be a complete shit, because she got all passive-aggressive about The Queen’s business enterprise, and as we know that ends badly for people. Oooh, ominous! Meanwhile none of us heard any passive-aggression about the Skinnygirl business coming from Lu. Also, The Queen doesn’t like to be around people she doesn’t like. That sounds more like the issue here.

Back in New York, So needs to find something to do so she goes to get her ladybits laser resurfaced on tonight’s episode of the So Morgan Vaginal Comedy tour. Snore. And don’t tell me that laser wand is any smaller or has any fewer flashing lights than the Kandi Koated one So keeps in her nighttable drawer (or that the nether So regions don’t see more battery-operated stimulation than actual human interaction. I am just not buying this maneating bit.)

So, okay: back in the Berkshires, Lu is trying to figure out how to salvage the situation with advice from Mo Singer, Caregiver. Radzi and Julie Toothpick easily slide into the wallpapered hallway closet to eavesdrop as Mo and Lu compose Nopology texts to both Radzi (“Sorry I called you a ‘pedafile’ and please come to my next party.”) and The Queen (“I never ever meant to imply that I was somehow involved in inventing the Skinnygirl Margarita, I was just there when you came up with the NAME, and I am sorry I miscommunicated even though I never, ever did and everyone who watched this episode totally realizes that. P.S. Your asshole is showing.”). SEND.

Lu and Mo venture into the library to play pool and see how Radzi, who is out of the closet and in there online shopping with Julie Toothpick, reacts to her text Nopology. Radzi pretends she has received no such text, which she has actually received, and received without a single stitch of humor or agreeability. The Queen, meanwhile, is upstairs in her cashmere onesie plumbing emotional depths with Doritos, who does not intend to spend the rest of her life with Big Fat John. What a relief! Radzi and Julie Toothpick pop in so they can talk about sluttiness and woman-on-woman action and I am just plain TAHHRD of listening to the Bethenny Banter tonight.

At 7:30, Doritos heads downstairs to cook the lasagna, hoping the maid has finally taken care of the bologna that’s been on the counter all day. Lu’s still hiding in the kitchen and pipes up again on the subject of how she met Tom, making sure the official version of her story is still straight with Doritos. And really, who is BETHENNY to question whether she’s dating, or sleeping around, or sleeping with just Tom, or anything? She must be deeply unhappy! and on a mission to ruin her friendships: first she goes after Big Fat John, then she goes after So, and now Lu? And, she’s also listening! Eavesdropping around the corner in her onesie. Terrif.

Next time: more of this shitshow between Queen B and Lu The Idiot Slut. Then it’s time for The Queen to have a holiday party and expect everyone to behave. Lu apologizes to Radzi, again, but slowly this time, and sets up So to apologize to The Queen and drop the prosecco line. But So ain’t gonna do it, loudly.

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Quaaludes in the Cookie Jar 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 8 Recap

In the last week this little mama has thrown two year-end pool parties, a dinner for 19, a birthday celebration, a sixth-grade promotion, and handled a visit from El Nana and assorted work hiccups, and now we’ve arrived at SUMMER! With Mr. Little Mama and Big off on a Naked & Afraid camping trip, I am ready to use this lull in the testosterone to finally check in with the estrogen brigade of New York City. Thank you for bearing with me, as usual.

We find our friends Julie Toothpick and Doritos test-sitting couches at Jonathan Adler. It seems Julie is helping Doritos redecorate, which isn’t such a bad idea. They are also shopping for Secret Santa gifts for a party Queen B is throwing, and Jonathan Adler has many options, including cookie jars labeled “Quaaludes” and “Uppers”, which would be perfect for Mo if it weren’t for the fact that Julie, who drew her, already has the perfect gift. (Doritos has The Queen and got her a vibrating Thighmaster.

Just put it between your knees and squeeze, Queenie!

So anyway, Doritos confides that after last week’s Moruption, she’s over it with her. She will be civil and behave herself when she has to be around her, but she no longer loves Mo and feels burned. She thinks Mo’s problem is that she wants to spread it like PB&J for Big Fat John, and she is about ready to let them do it so Mo can get it out of her system. Yeah, I am pretty sure that’s not it, but no wonder Mo is talking to media far and wide about how awful So is and how Doritos is the only friend for her. She’s been banished, and no amount of gifted RAMONA Pinot Grigio is going to fix this.

Speaking of the party, Queen B is prepping by ordering her minions about. It seems one is assigned the role of Caviar Girl but has accidentally come costumed as Elsa. Let it Go, B! Surrounded by her Real Friends™, which includes Radzi, Queen B updates the assembled on who is coming, which includes Mo, Doritos, and The New Girl Julie Toothpick, who Beth shares is half-Asian not that it won’t take Julie more than 35 seconds to point that out herself. We’ll wait. Meanwhile, Mo bursts in shouting that she needs a margarita, a water, and a glass of RAMONA Pinot Grigio and she’s gotta tell them a story. Eyes roll.

Not invited to this gathering of loved ones are The Kountess and So, who are instead parked on a couch in some corner of the Viagra Triangle to go through Lu’s side of the same story, which is helpful as I didn’t watch last week. It seems that among the four dudes The Kountess has been giving the boots, for a spell last summer there was this weird gay dude that she made the mistake of going to Ibiza with on one of the two dates she admits to having with him, at which point she realized he’s a total freak show and she bailed. (But not without giving him a party favor.) Somehow this odd bird named “Rey” got himself invited to the party Doritos and BFJ had the previous episode, and when he went all Single White Male on the Kountess, with Mo’s encouragement, she fled.

Mo is of course also telling this story at The Queen’s new apartment, which in her version heavily emphasizes BFJ putting his big fat sweaty red hands way too close to Mo’s face as he kicked her out for stirring the shit, which led to a big embarrassing fight between Mo and Doritos. Julie Toothpick pipes up that this is really only half the story, that this weird Rey was scaring the crap out of the Kountess and Mo was on the wrong side of the situation. Ooops. Just then, here comes Doritos and Mo demands everyone shut it down.

Doritos is so damn furious with Mo that she really wants to run when she sees her perched on the ottoman, nervously hectoring Doritos about what appetizers to eat and whether she wants the caviar on a pancake or a spoon. Doritos and Beth go hide in a corner so they can have a Signature Emotional Moment and The Queen Can Help. Doritos shares that Mo’s behavior has unlocked her inner sadness, and that she’s struggling with her daughter Hannah’s “transition”. Wait, what? Dear God, I don’t feel we are adequately prepared for a sex change here. The Queen feels Doritos needs to take time out to take care of herself and that she is afraid of being alone so she’s sticking with BFJ out of a lack of alternatives. Which is probably true, but ain’t gonna change. Meanwhile, Mo nervously licks caviar off a blini that Julie Toothpick actually then eats. Radzi is totally grossed out.

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Doritos comes back to the group and treats Mo perfectly kindly which is far more generous of spirit than we ever see from this group, or any other franchise, and then announces that she’s going to have a holiday gathering at her home in the Berkshires and is going to invite everyone except So (and of course these randoms of The Queen’s). She’s decides that the tension between So and The Queen is undesirable, and if one has to choose between the two… on the other hand, The Kountess will be invited, which makes Radzi uncomfortable, but who gives a shit about her? Mo is allowed to come, and starts smooching Doritos’ behind immediately, which she ignores. The Secret Santa gifts are the aforementioned Thighmaster, a silver bird Christmas ornament for Doritos, and wine drinking eyeglass straws for Mo, perfect for chocolate milk, or Pinot Grigio. I don’t think Radzi or the randoms got anything.

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Morning dawns at the SoStone, and a couple of hours later Laverne and Shirley rise to shake off their hangovers and face the day. It seems the Kountess has been sleeping out at her mystery main man’s apartment and had to do the walk of shame that morning. Surely she could get a car service?

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It also seems that the heat is not on at the SoStone, whether by mechanical or financial failure, so the ladies put fur jackets and men’s slippers on over their lingerie to share a schmear in the kitchen and discover themselves written up in Page Six over the party fiasco, in an article that heavily references a certain dry cleaning business and an associated sweaty red man. Lu didn’t know Mo got thrown out of the party – ha! So is annoyed; why is she getting called out for her party fouls, when Mo’s the one getting tossed?

On that note, So and Doritos and their fanny packs go for a very short walk so Doritos can inform So that she is not being invited to the holiday sleepover in the Berkshires and will instead be invited separately for a quiet, alcohol-free nap or something. Why does Doritos always sit down like a linebacker who needs space for his junk? So unloads on Doritos how hurt she is by Mo and how that horrible two-faced bitch is always talking shit about her to the other girls. This is why Doritos is not going to invite So to the overnight; to “protect” So from this sort of shenanigans. So is “blown away”; she insists the girls like her and she’s the life of the party and Mo is ruining it so SHE should not be invited. But So also realizes that she blew it big time with The Queen by starting her ripoff prosecco line and the bread is not buttered on her side.

The Kountess invites a select group of friends, which conspicuously does not include her roomie So but does include Doritos and Julie Toothpick, to meet her Snuffelupagus boyfriend, Tom. Not that anyone needs to be introduced to Tom, because he’s been around, having previously dated Mo, now known as The Troublemaker, and apparently also known So biblically, but who hasn’t? And it was Doritos herself to introduced Tom and Lu by phone this past summer, when he swooned for her sexy phone voice. BFJ, who has a total hard-on under the table, giggles and wants to know if Lu’s voice came through the phone all “moist” on Tom’s cheek. CRICKETS. Anyway, they were introduced then but didn’t start dating until right before Thanksgiving and now they are inseparable. Which means they’ve been screwing for maybe three weeks at this point because it’s allegedly pre-Christmas still when this scene was filmed.

Off we go to the Berkshires! Mo is first to arrive with her ratty little dog and without having phoned ahead to have an HVAC unit rudely delivered. The Berkshires are Doritos’ “sanctuary”, and she does not want tension, so it’s really setting a bad tone that she has to spend a whole lunch alone with Mo at this point. And that was before Mo’s dog crapped all over the house.

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Doritos tells Mo about The Kountess’ Snuffleupagus boyfriend and Mo has her suspicions as to his secret identity, having clearly been jilted by him herself. She sniffs that it’s very uncool for Lu to be dating this man and not to have even inquired to see if Snufflupagus and Mo are still involved. I don’t think Mo seriously needs to be asking that question.

And so Mo sulks in the living room while The Kountess and Julie Toothpick arrive and are greeted by Doritos. The Kountess scolds Mo for her lack of manners and gives her a Kountess Klass in proper behavior when a guest arrives when you are also a guest. Julie shares that her dad is in the hospital which, combined with her nanny quitting, makes her feel like she’s losing herself. Oh dear you delicate flower. Also, Doritos mother made her a homemade birthday cake, which is cute.

Done scolding Mo, The Kountess lays into Doritos for not inviting So, who is “so upset”. Doritos is not budging on this one, because now that she’s a veteran she knows how to pick her lane and clearly So is marginally FOH this season. And if it was so wrong of her, why isn’t it wrong for Lu to have come and left her roomie behind? Lu, flustered, chatters about how there’s an applicable social exemption because it’s Doritos’ birthday, except it’s not. Oops. Doritos firmly believes it would not be good for So to be around “alcohol and tension”, meaning Queen B. Lu thinks they should be thrown into a cage match. Mo thinks so needs to take care of herself, stop with all the “silly” businesses, and eliminate all the untrustworthy people she surrounds herself with, which is about the most reasonable thing Mo Singer has ever uttered.

Just then, the Queen Herself blows in. Lu laughs that she’s copying the Kountess’ hair; The Queen narrows her eyes to slits and tells The Kountess that she’s copying the mantle. Queen B tells all that So is barraging her with texts; “you can imagine what it’s like for me,” pipes up Lu, which seems rather disloyal. Lu shares that she’s just living with So to keep her company and try to “mentor” her, which earns a barking HA HA HA from the Queen. “It’s the blind leading the deaf!” she howls. Lu is rightly offended. Beth insists she cannot be less threatened by So’s prosecco, but she’s furious that So tried to barnacle herself to Beth to get attention for herself. But of course so does Lu, who has told anyone who will listen that she gave The Queen the idea for Skinnygirl. Uh oh.

Next time: while So’s getting her nether regions zapped, Lu is taking it from all angles between Mo and The Queen. And Doritos finally snaps and throws all the bitches out! GO Doritos! Till then…

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