“I Naturally Will Be Evil” 🍷 RHONY Season 6 Episode 19 Recap

We’re fizzling to an end, people! One more episode left in which we will finally see what made Aviva drop her leg. Was it a weapon, or more like a threatened iguana dropping its tail? We shall see… or actually not really “we” because I will not. Off to the lake we go! Bravo-free for two weeks; hope our own drama fails to measure up.

Anyway: we rejoin our Manhattanites in action with Holla in conference with Radzi’s two assistants – they have multiplied! – planning Radzi’s 50th birthday extravaganza while she is in the UK on her book tour. And oh, the extravaganza it will be. The theme is “Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil” which no one explains was a 1994 bestseller about a murder trial in Savannah, Georgia and all its accompanying social intrigue.

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Maybe you knew that and even read the book – I did – but if not, I imagine you got a decent case of “what the hell is going on here?” from the planning. Which involves: snake charming, glossy red apples, butterflies, and a man walking an invisible dog. Radzi has very specific requests about all the details except the food and drink which she leaves to Holla because “food’s not her thing”, which should be obvious by looking at her. Whereas looking at me, one immediately thinks yes, food is her thing. I note that this is a Holla production. NOT a Sonja In The City production. Sniff sniff.

Speaking of So, she and Harry Pickle are at a fancy pet store looking at a puppy. See, they are considering getting “more committed”, and So thinks getting a puppy will at least buy her 18 years. What dog lives 18 years? If that’s how old Millou was I can only imagine the smell. This is all oh-so-believable, isn’t it? Us Weekly doesn’t think so.

Whatever. Speaking of commitments, the Taekmans are visiting a therapist. Mr. Kristen is willing to go because he is 100% certain this person is going to tell Kristen that Mr. Kristen is 100% right about everything and to back off. This place doesn’t look like a law office, it looks like a “coworking” office where people pay to use the receptionist and have a pretend office to meet in when they see clients. Therapist guy ushers them to an empty, clinical workspace and tells them The Doctor Is In. Kristen and Mr. Kristen offer their complaints (she: he never puts her or their kids before work; he: she is “anxiety ridden about minutia”). The Doctor advises them that they need to talk to each other in more productive ways, such as using “I” rather than “you” statements, not interrupting, not being accusatory, and not labeling. The Taekmans feel much better. Damn, this was easy!

Aviva takes a Boston Marathon bombing survivor to her prosthetic clinic to get a new leg made, free of charge. Which is all wonderful, and the best part is this is all we see of Aviva all night.

It’s finally time for Avery Singer to go to college, even though she actually left weeks ago and we’re just editing this in now to wrap things up with a bow. Avery has a hissy fit about packing and Mo has a on-the-bed-in-Morocco-style meltdown when it’s actually time to drive off to the airport. “Don’t give me those eyes,” says Avery, on behalf of us all. Goodbye and good luck, Avery Singer.

So goes out to dinner with her “mystic”, a gay dude in a tweed jacket armed with tarot cards. He predicts that her cash balance will increase, her home will be “balanced”, and there’s a brunette woman devil in her inner circle. So cannot imagine who that might be! Radzi? Lu? Is Holla a brunette or not? On the fence.

Party time! Holla looked a little flummoxed by details in the afternoon, but as Radzi says that girl can get shit done and in the end she does, other than neglecting altogether to order water and killing the butterflies instantly. Oh, and no snake because it violates health code and the city wouldn’t issue a snake permit. Apparently guests were directed to dress either chic in black as Evil (Kristen, Mo, Lu) or dowdy and dumpy in white as (Good) Holla, So). The birthday girl herself will wear red!

I ♡ Madonna too
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So first things first: no Pepe to be seen because he and Lu have broken up. She’s shattered about it which doesn’t impress SoMo. Mo thinks “time apart” is a wussy excuse, and So is pissed off that Lu never told her they were having problems. Because that hurts So! And besides, she told Lu in the first place he wasn’t a forever guy anyway, so if she’s upset it’s her own damn fault for not listening to her drunken blather.

So at this point is an expert about men, not only because she’s slept with half the city but because she and Harry Pickle are Getting Serious. So serious that he tells her he really wants to be with her, not just horizontally, and presents her with a “promise ring”; a large cocktail ring that we barely catch a glimpse of before it disappears and certainly no price tag posted. This is extremely unusual for pricey gifts on Housewives – normally we get a lingering closeup, specs (carats, clarity, etc.) and a very prominent PRICE. Not so here. Somehow I feel like So picked this up off HSN years ago, shined up the band with a silver Sharpie, and gave it to Harry Pickle to ceremoniously present to her on camera.

And not only do we not get a good look at it at this point, but we never see it again. SoMo huddle in a dark corner so So can call attention to Mo’s large engagement ring (important since by now rumors were rampant that Mario had spent his summer getting itchy pickle in the Hamptons) and then tell Mo about The Promise Ring which she immediately stuffed into her Sharpie-enhanced purse. Mo thinks this is a bad sign. An even worse sign is that Harry Pickle, across the room flirting with his other former lover Kountess Lu, disappears without So. With Lu? Find out next time on As The Leg Hurls!

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P.S. no finale recap next week. Sorry. I’ll make it up to you, I swear.

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“I Hate Getting Gas and I Hate Going Potty”🍷RHOC Season 9 Episode 13 Recap

More, more, MORE IScreamYouScreamGate! Enough, people! Lawd. Once upon a time this show was about people being silly and over the top nouveau fabulous, but then Teresa flipped the table and they cranked up NeNe and the ugly took hold. Speaking of Teresa, I will probably pick up RHONJ in a few weeks once RHONY is over. We’ll be in a Bravo-free wilderness the next two weeks so no recaps and RHONY is going to fizzle to an end without me. We’ll see where things are then. I will say, I did find the premiere to be a nice change-up. Juicy Joe’s Napoleonic speech to the greater Guidice family from his perch on high was a treat.

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Anyway. We’re all back from Mexico, and the Dubrows are meeting Vic and Donn2, who has returned from exile, for sushi. Dr. Terry asks how their trip was and whether Shannon told them the story about their “kooky” confrontation. Oh yes, says Vic, and what Vic heard was that Heather told “the world” about The Email, that she had evil in her eyes, and kicked Shannon out of her house. Heather is aghast and she and Vic go around a bit about whether Heather would remove someone from her house without a reason, whether she was really yelled at by Shannon at the Christmas party or just subjected to a “raised voice”, and whether Vic is a real friend talking about Heather behind her back like this.

Heather and Dr. Terry clarify to Vic and Donn2 that (a) Shannon was welcomed with a hug, (b) and a drink, (c) there was sitting on the couch, and (d) Heather only asked her to leave when things got heated (by Heather, I should point out) and her little girls were getting wind of it. Which is all essentially true, but it’s equally true that Heather was NOT nice to Shannon and whatever pain she’s been suffering in the ears from Shannon’s holiday party volume challenges I think she can live with whereas Shannon really was and is struggling, and if Heather wants to move on with future interactions on the quieter side she needs to get off her indignity camel. Vic agrees and tells Heather to have some compassion and be nice. Heather continues to insist her niceness or lack thereof isn’t the problem, but I think we all agree she’s wrong about that. But it’s hard being the most important person in the world and having people not see it.

At home with the Beadors, it’s pre-dinner cocktail hour and Mr. Shannon is eating chips and salsa again, but without getting yelled at. Progress! It seems Miney has a school field trip to Italy (?!) for Latin class (?!?) coming up, and Mr. Shannon is going to chaperone because he is such a dedicated father. I hope Shannon realizes she got the best one in this whole Housewife franchise and quits to keep this marriage alive. Also hope she finds appropriate arch-supportive shoes as carefully described on the school packing list.

Lizzie and Mr. Lizzie are renovating her family’s - daddy’s – beach house because it’s trapped in the 90′s, and she thinks this is a great time to host a dinner party for the gang there, unclear whether she expects to do this before or after the renovations are complete. Mr. Lizzie is cute except for the perpetually sweaty hair. He’s a better wife than she is, too.

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Vic’s at work, because she’s a big worker, y’all. Such a big worker that she can’t be bothered to take time to pee all day long. Not good for the bladder, Vic. When you start peeing yourself you’ll regret it. Tammy has stopped by so Vic can warn her that tonight’s party (wow, that renovation was quick) is sure to be a shitshow and she better buckle up and prepare for professional finger pointing.

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So: party time. Mr. Lizzie has planned every detail from flowers to linens to placecards and seating arrangements meticulously, even acquiring a bottle of Fireball to keep things light. Lizzie flits around uselessly while Mr. Lizzie fusses and fluffs. I have to say, there’s something suspiciously mantastic about her that Mr. Lizzie’s intense wifeliness just further emphasizes by comparison. Weird.

The Beadors are en route and Shannon is not excited. In fact, she’s wound tight as a tick in dread of seeing Heather for the first time since being evicted from the Dubrental. Further, it seems Tammy has told both Shannon and Mr. Shannon, multiple times, that Dr. Terry was planning to “take them down“. The Beadors have no idea what that means and neither do it but it sounds ominous.

Arrivals begin and guests have to navigate down two flights of slippery stairs for cocktails, which Heather miraculously manages to survive despite being dressed in the tightest white pants known to man. Awkward shunning ensues when the ladies – all but Vic – gather up on the deck, but things lighten up with a tiki dancing and flame-eating performance. Is it just me or does the flame eater look a bit like Slimey Slade from a distance? Gotta pay the bills!

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Enough of that. Vic and Donn2 arrive super late, missing the flame eating and coconut shaking altogether, and Donn2 makes awkwardly nice with Tammy, his nemesis. Tammy should be everyone’s nemesis at this point, starting with Shannon, who takes her aside to get her to confirm on camera that Dr. Terry has told her he wants to “take the Beadors down” and that she in turn has told Shannon and Mr. Shannon this several times. Tammy, predictably, acts completely bewildered and denies any and all of it. Right. Tammy has said over and over again this summer that her job on this show is to bring the drama, so here it is. Since Tammy won’t confirm, Shannon decides to drop the subject rather than pursue a really, truly ugly and pointless he said/she said, although she thinks the Dubrows are not going to be happy when they find out the shoe’s on the other foot and Tammy’s been out divulging information they told her privately. Or….

To the table they go, where Mr. Lizzie makes a gracious but long-winded toast and they all dig in in awkward silence. Tammy decides to shake things up by asking Donn2 what his favorite body part of Vic’s is. For some reason they are all sure he is going to announce he loves her giant caboose but no, he loves her ladybits! And he uses the correct anatomical term! GROSS. Backtracking, Tammy now decides to outright announce to the Dubrows specifically and the table in general that Shannon has accused him of conspiring to “take down the Beadors”. Oh shit.

First, there is frozen silence. Then, Dr. Terry starts shouting at Shannon and demanding to know what all this is about. Shannon insists that Tammy has said something to her – and Mr. Shannon – multiple times (no I didn’t no I didn’t says Tammy, who is practically clapping under the table and bouncing in her seat, a glint in her eye), but just tonight is retracting her statements so it’s done and Shannon is not making a thing about it. Heather, however, is going to make a thing about Shannon yelling again. Lizzie, who ain’t stupid as she keeps reminding us, smells a shitstirrer, and it isn’t Shannon, Heather, or Dr. Terry. I smell it, too.

Tammy does what she always does and takes her quarry outside. Heather is mortified that Dr. Terry rounded up on Shannon like that, as she should be, but as a general matter isn’t mad at Tammy who thinks Shannon is “clearly drunk”. Clearly not, I think. Vic informs us that Tammy, in fact, has told her the same thing about Dr. Terry wanting to “take down the Beadors”, but she’s staying screwed to her seat and declining to intervene because Tammy is vicious and she’s terrified to cross her. So poor Shannon is left alone and defenseless in this mess which is not going to work out in her favor.

Eventually, the Beadors, the Dubrows, and the Judges are ALL out on the balcony having it out. I am worried someone is either going to jump or get tossed. Heather tries to explain exactly how she came to be telling “the world” about The Email which would go over better if she would lay off the self-indulgent “you yelled at me” pouting. Shannon declares the obvious – that never the twain will they meet on this subject or any other – but Heather’s not giving up that easily and starts barking at her for having told Vic and Donn2 that she hadn’t allowed Shannon into her house (which she obviously did, whether she kicked her out nicely or not-so-nicely), at which point Shannon loses it. And starts shrieking, which makes Heather shout again that Shannon can’t scream at her it’s not allowed, before bolting away through the house, hollering how everyone will SEE and will KNOW the TRUTH, with Tammy in hot and screechy pursuit. “Thanks, Tamra”, says Lizzie. Has there ever been a dinner party not ruined?

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Next time: Tammy speculates that Shannon is not just drunk but experiencing a psychotic break. (Tammy ought to know, having driven another ‘Wife to Xanax.) More gossip about the state of the Beador marriage. Vic and Donn2 are sharing my suspicions about Tammy, and something goes on with Ryan that makes Tammy freak out. Hoping we’ve moved on to a new subject by the time I get back from vacation.

beautiful day

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“They’re Going To Have RAMONA Pinot, Which At This Point I Actually Enjoy”🍷RHONY Season 6 Episode 18 Recap

This isn’t over yet? No finale air date announced? My TiVo cut off the previews, so did I miss something? I have been googling and all I can find is some dude claiming episode 10 was supposed to be the finale. Clearly not. But we have to be getting close. That leg is gonna fly!

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So the Taekmans are having dinner with the Thomsons and it’s looking blustery outside. Holla arrives and complains that the Taekmans, who got there first, took the booth side.  Of course they did! Wouldn’t it look super weird if they were sitting side-by-side facing the wall? Sitting side-by-side against the wall isn’t nearly as strange. Also works for the cameras. Anyway, things are still a little prickly between Holla and Kristen, until Mr. Holla announces in a sing-song voice that Holla “can be B-O-S-S”. See!

On that note, let’s compare about being B-O-S-S, shall we? Kristen wants Mr. Kristen to spend more family time at home, but he just can’t because he’s an entrepreneur, you see, selling some sort of energy crap. Holla gets it because she, too, is an entrepreneur, and knows when you run a business you have to roll with it, baby. Even though Kristen is merely a model, she’s been on this train a while and knows what comes with it, having been uprooted unceremoniously and with no say in the matter to California, and then dragged back on ten days notice and again no say just a few years later. “That’s what a real entrepreneur does,” says Holla. Acts like a midget asshole to his wife?

We visit the Singers who are gathered ’round the piano, and Avery is still here even though it’s supposedly past Labor Day and she should have started at Emory weeks ago. I smell something funny going on with the storyline here. Apparently open mike night is coming up at a jazz club called Birdland, and Holla, Kountess Lu, and Mario are going to perform. Mario, in fact, is going to perform with Mo’s other husband, the gay one, and it will be a ballad the gusband has written for Mo.

Mo, who is sloshing around in broad daylight with a champagne flute full of RAMONA Pinot, is getting all schmaltzy about this, which ably demonstrates the depth of thought she applies to things: her NOT husband has written a goopy song that makes me blush about how “effortless” and “natural” it is to love that wild-eyed hormonally-challenged inebriated nitwit. Notably to all but Mo, Mario did not have any of these thoughts himself; he who has spent the last several months at this point famously poking his pickle into an assortment of inappropriate younger ladies, is merely singing it to get public attention. Mo would like to assume she has both inspired this song and Mario, which is wildly misplaced hopeful thinking if you ask me. Sigh.

So, meanwhile, is pretending to interview another pretend intern, and pretending this person is going to get college credit for her work for So. Maybe even toward her PhD in Asshattiness! So explains what her legion of staff do; one manages So’s “appearances” and sorts her email, and the other picks up her dry cleaning. Another totally phony ‘Wife, Aviva, rolls in to goo over So and get gooed herself, and also to get the dirt from Montana. Specifically, that everyone was talking about her the whole time and no they were not worried about you, Aviva. They all think you are lying and seeking attention. “If I didn’t want to go, I would say so!” shrieks Aviva. “I go around the country visiting amputees all the time!” All those lucky amputees! “No one goes around with an inhaler that could blow the back of your head off without real asthma,” agrees So. “Maybe I lied about my fake leg, too,” says Aviva. Thump thump.

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Radzi and her new assistant are shipping galleys of her new book out to various friends and ex-lovers, including Ralph Fiennes (whose name is pronounced Rafe, thank you). Meanwhile, the workers are making a giant mess renovating, and the contractor is all worked up that Radzi pulled out her A/C unit and adjustments must be made. I think everyone working in here with no A/C ought to be the mad ones. Oh and PS Radzi is off to the UK soon for a book tour so we won’t see her for a while.

SoMo and their new sidekick Kristen visit Mo’s plastic surgeon to get Mo’s saggy pooch fixed up. Mo says it’s lack of exercise, but I think it’s TOO MUCH PINOT. After the doctor irons the pooch, So mounts the table to demonstrate really unattractive sexual positions and justify why she needs to retain her love handles – because when Harry Pickle grabs ‘em, she goes into “immediate orgasm”! I think So is wired up wrong.

“I’m going to take this magic Pinot eraser and insert it into…”
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As we recall Mr. Kristen claims he would come home in the evenings if Kristen had dinner on the table, so Kristen decides to take that as a challenge. By 6:30, however, there is no sign of Mr. Kristen so she calls him up and takes him to task for not reporting his lateness, apron and all. Canterbury gets all shrieky and I am hopeful she’s about to rise up out of that Pottery Barn Kids chair and march off, but no such luck. Mr. Kristen finally rolls in an hour after his anticipated arrival, and is all fired up and bitchy about being shrewed into a corner over his priorities. “There’s always a half hour grace period,” he claims, condescendingly. Also, he’s perfectly nasty about the dinner Kristen made, isn’t going to set the table, and finally agrees to see a therapist – a “mediator” – who he fully expects will tell Kristen to shove it and take his shit without complaint, because he is IMPORTANT. And she’s just a housewife/washed up model.

So and Harry Pickle take a picnic to the park. So shares that she is wearing a slip and a g-string. Very unhygienic. So is very happy with the state of their revived relationship, as she dated Harry Pickle 25+ years ago before he ever married Aviva and he ditched her on NYE. He gets her like none of these ridiculous ‘Wives ever could. This is not promising.

Also in the park, Lu takes professional photos with Pepe Le Peu and their dogs. One dog is manly, one is not, but both are far more cooperative than Pepe who is bitching and moaning elegantly en Francais. “Shut up, shut up,” he hisses at the Kountess. “Stupid idiotic idea! Worst rock ever!” This relationship is nearing its end.

don't you want this baby?

don’t you want this baby?

Time for the big show at Birdland. The original plan was that in addition to Mario’s performance, Kountess Lu was going to sing with Holla as backup, but after such a lovely afternoon in the park the Kountess is not in the mood and is bailing. Mo takes that bit of news and starts smashing everyone in sight over the head with it, shouting that it’s really because the Kountess is not a good singer and needs autotune! Mario, Mario, she won’t sing without her autotune! “Go away!” Mario barks, as he tries to prepare for his big performance. “I don’t want to talk to you!” See, it’s so effortless.

Sent away, Mo rounds back up to her seat behind the Kountess and starts taunting her again. “I hear Holla is better than you! Billy’s here to play and you said he only plays for you!” “He plays every Monday. Get off!” retorts the Kountess. “Mo thinks her rudeness is amusing. It is not.” says Lu. WORD.

So, song time. “Mario has the best voice. He is fantastic,” says Mo. He is not, if you ask me. Harry Pickle seems to be much more interested in his chicken wings. Good for Mario, Kristen thinks. Mr. Kristen wouldn’t sing for Kristen, she tells us, which is just fine with her because she’d be mortally embarrassed if he did, same as me. I once had a friend try to set me up with someone with the enticement that he would serenade me with his guitar. Oh hell no!

After Mario, Holla is coaxed up onto the stage in her Golden Girls cocktail dress and cajoled into performing without Lu after all. And once she lets loose, she let’s LOOSE, baby, in a fantastic and exuberant rendition of “Bill Bailey” in honor of her singer father. Holla is the next Carol Channing. “Is there nothing Holla can’t do?” asks Kristen? I bet she doesn’t burn potatoes.

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Next time: I have no idea. Thanks, TiVo. But I hear Radzi is coming back from the UK to throw herself a big 50th birthday party, so maybe the end is nigh.

weekend

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“I Totally Believe I Could Be A Marriage Counselor”🍷RHOC Season 9 Episode 12 Recap

You know how they say in any painful life experience that you just have to walk through it, you can’t walk around it? I really want to walk around this spate of RHOC episodes. Watching the Beadors realize the colossal, catastrophic mistake joining this shitshow is turning out to be, and struggle to survive intact, is absolutely agonizing. WHAT were they thinking??

We resume at Rosa’s in Puerto Vallarta, where Shannon is again telling Mr. Shannon how all the people criticizing her marriage is making her crazy in the head. INDEED. Wait until she actually ends up on TV with this mess of a life. Vic, who now suggests that her relationship with Donn1 might have survived had they surrounded themselves with wellwishers (such as Aviva?), wants to be such for the Beadors, and thinks what they really need is to get get hammered at a tourist trap of a bar and perform some of the most awkward dance moves in white people history on the counter. So they do. Even Shannon! Conservatively, but she’s up there and nearly falls off. David looks turned on, which is cute, and so does Donn2, which is definitely not.

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Back in the OC, the cause of all Shannon’s pain, Tammy, is having a meeting with Eddie and adult son Ryan at CUT Fitness to bitch about the floors and see whether anyone will take this plastic baby doll off her hands the next time it starts shrieking. This whole experiment is ridiculous – aside from the fact that it’s dorky, the plastic baby only offers the baby downsides and none of the upsides. You can’t figure out if you are prepared to parent a puppy by dragging around a barking toy dog on a plastic leash. Whatever. Anyway, the floors are a mess at CUT and it’s all Eddie’s fault for having them put in wrong in the first place, so now they need to find a window to get them redone, and clients don’t want to pay $149 a month for this shit. Seriously? That’s nuts. They don’t even have childcare for fake babies at that place. We’re meant to experience the rising tension between Eddie and Ryan in this moment. Whatever.

The Dubrow family is headed out to a family dinner at The Quiet Woman. “Cocktail time!” chirps Katnip or whichever one that is. The kids proceed to torture Heather and Dr. Terry with whining, shrieking, open-mouthed chewing, and general caveman-style junk food consumption until the nanny shows up to pluck Coco Puff off the floor and sweep the rest of them away so the adults can have their real sophisticated meal in peace. This is how the Dubrows do family dinner, and while I think I am supposed to disapprove, after the 7,834th night of cajoling-then-threatening my way through an interminable meal of food my kids actually like, not that you can tell, I am sort of thinking they are on to something. Also, they are going to get a dog. Whatever.

Back in Puerto Vallarta where the lemurs or monkeys or whatever the hell those creatures are are lurking on the side of the road ready to pounce. Vic has decided to subject the Beadors to her towel-clad presence before springing a horseback riding trip on them. Mr. Shannon feels like they too need to be in towels and just hang out. I really like Mr. Shannon. Off they go on their horses, and whaddya know but Marriage Counselor Vic has arranged a private riverside lunch for the Beadors while the rest of them take off. Is she picking up the tab, too?

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Stateside, Lizzie is showing her bikini line to a boutique in Newport Beach. She started this venture with cash from Daddy, and is still trying to make it a success. The suits are cute, -ish, and look great on the model, of course, although I hate the denim and animal skin ones. Between the tiny bottoms and the padless tops you have to wonder what would happen if Lizzie put one of her own suits on. It would explode, no? Shards in our eyes! That’s how boring this is.

So back to lunch: Shannon tells Mr. Shannon that she feels like she is in a slump. Mr. Shannon tells Shannon her problem is that she’s an unhappy person, and all the accoutrements of wealth are not compensating for her fundamental issues. It sounds like he’s trying to say he wants a divorce, but what he’s really telling her is to get mental health support. They can’t be in a happy marriage if she is not a happy person treating him with happiness and warmth. Also, he clearly wants to downsize and get out of the OC. Ironic that they are working this out via Shannon being a Real Housewife of Orange County. There’s discussion of their mutual need to “forgive” and “heal”. I don’t know what they are talking about, but again, BIG MISTAKE working through this stuff on this show, in particular. Thank you, Vic Gunvalson Marriage Whisperer, for bringing us this magical moment.

Later the Beadors wrap up this Mexican vacation with flaming cocktails and dinner on the beach with Vic n’ Donn2, no redneck brothers in sight. Topic A: Tammy. Donn2 is still upset about how Tammy treated him, and also mad that Vic is still friends with her. Vic agrees that Tammy has worsened the situation with Briana (because one of Briana’s arguments is that none of Vic’s friends like Donn2), and that she will never trust Tammy the same again. Clearly no one should!

Speaking of, the Judges have put Astro back in the box and call the customer service line. Eddie did not put in much time parenting the plastic doll, which is no surprise. He announces once and for all that he does not want to have kids. Tammy is devastated, because she always held out hope for the possibility, even though she is 46 and has had a hysterectomy, and could legitimately become a grandma any day. She has the parenting mentality of a teen mom.

Puppy delivery is made to the Dubrows. Who has puppies delivered? Oh, right. They are Goldendoodles and one is being named Champers. I see what you did there! Although the Dubrows talk the big talk about rescuing animals, in this case they had to go all hypoallergenic because the kids get the sniffles. I hate to tell them that no dog is truly hypoallergenic, and there’s also Zyrtec and other stuff, but then we wouldn’t have Champers, would we?

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Vacation is over and Vic is back at work. It’s all taking and no giving at Coto Insurance. And who stops by but Tammy with coffee and her terrible new bangs, which make her look even more like Ryan than ever. Tammy wants to catch up and Vic tells her there’s no real need because she heard all about what she did to Shannon, and she is not amused. Her skin is also looking especially terrible in this light. Tammy launches her defense, that she simply told Heather what Shannon was going through in order to elicit some tiny bit of compassion from Heather’s cold, dead heart, and then Heather went and got all gossipy about it so Tammy really wants to yell at her but is scared.

Vic tells Tammy they both blew it, but agrees that Heather blew it worse because she was being gossipy whereas Tammy was just being a dumbass. “Shannon will never trust you again,” Vic informs Tammy, and Vic won’t trust Tammy either because of how she hurt her, too. After some tit for tat as to who hurt who and who messed with the other’s relationship more, they drop it and Vic tells Tammy to call her first next time she is about to “do something stupid”. Girl, your phone is gonna be ringing off the hook now.

Next time: the OC Hate Triangle continues the death spiral. Lizzie hosts a tiki party at Daddy’s Beach House, where the shit and screaming really hit the fan. Till then, kids!

Oh, and don’t forget to swing by Bob Vila Thumbs Up and check out my mason jar chandelier project! You can vote once a day through July 31!

BobVilagreen

beautiful day

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Letting It All Hang Out In Mexico🍷RHOC Season 9 Episode 11 Recap

I just noticed Heather is the center of the intro orange-offering – what does it mean? I seem to think Tammy was in the middle last year. I don’t know whether being in the middle means that ‘Wife is the center of attention, literally and figuratively, for the season, or just aesthetically most appealing.

Anyway, we begin with Heather’s nemesis, Shannon, in the kitchen at Palace Beador. Mr. Shannon rolls in from work and greets his wife with “Hey, Mommy!” There are those who believe spouses calling each other mommy and daddy is the kiss of death, but we do it in my house and it usually signals a situation where one is speaking to the other in his/her capacity as parent. I certainly don’t call Mr. Little Mama “Daddy” in the sack. I am not so sure about the Beadors, though. Mostly because they don’t share a sack.

So these two are off to meet up with the Elephants of Puerto Vallarta, which they are desperately hoping will be a pleasant escape but you and I know better as we have been to Mexico with Vic before, haven’t we? Shannon shares that “in a general way” she is a very secure person, but The Email left her rattled, and I can’t blame her for that. She also thinks people who pretend everything is perfect 100% of the time are full of shit and annoying, and I agree with that, too. We also share a certainty that shorts are not our friends. Why can I buy pants from one establishment in a given size, but can’t find a pair of shorts from the same place in any size that fit? Shouldn’t they be just the same as the pants, but short sleeved? Sigh. I feel for Shannon. I don’t know at what point she took that perilous wrong turn into Housewifery, but she does not belong here and you can practically sense the panic rising.

Over at the Dubrows, a family that is altogether too at ease being on television, that terror Coco is scribbling on her siblings’ homework as they await their newest staff member: a personal chef. Yes, Heather loves food, but she does not have any skill actually preparing it (although I strongly suspect if she wasn’t worried about messing up her manicure she could follow a recipe just fine, thank you) so she’s hired this guy to come in and make the family dinner. This is a means for Heather to spend more time with her family, you see, which makes no sense since she apparently intends to feed the children separately and dine with Dr. Terry later. As the kids chomp along with food falling from their gaping pieholes and stuff in stalks of broccoli by the fistful, Heather bemoans to her assistant that her nemesis Shannon is going to Mexico with Vic. This could go badly for Heather, and she hopes Vic remembers she is Team Dubrow.

Also hiring a chef for the evening is Vic, who is stuffed into an incredibly unflattering inverted-V shaped caftan that grips her thighs like Donn1 never did. The Beadors are arriving, you see, and Vic knows to anticipate stress and drama because Tammy excitedly dialed her up and spilled the beans that Mr. Shannon emailed Shannon to announce he is leaving her and moving out and DON’T SAY ANYTHING! And forget about that camera over there! Vic thinks Donn2 and Mr. Shannon are going to get along great because they are both from the Midwest. This causes Donn2 to give her major Arnoldface because there is not a person in this world who categorizes Mississippi as “the Midwest” so could Vic be confusing her tankfillers?

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The Beadors arrive and Vic escorts them to a tiny maids’ room in the hallway around the corner from the fire extinguisher, demonstrating how nicely the bedsprings squeak on this cozy double. Shannon’s eyes widen and her pupils dialate in terror. This is a SMALL room. With a SMALL bed. That she is to share with Mr. Shannon, who she does not share a room with under ordinary circumstances. And her host expects to listen to their enthusiastic coupling. Mr. Shannon, sensing her panic, suggests they gently extricate themselves to a hotel with a real bed and let Michael, who’s out on the couch, sleep in here, but Vic’s not having it. They will sleep here in the closet, and loudly copulate as well if she has to stand over them and shout commands.

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Back in the OC, the Judges are arguing about whether or not Eddie is sharing the load in caring for their robot baby, Astro. Eddie couldn’t care less about this bullshit “experiment” and is going out to ride his bike. Tammy demonstrates her sophisticated parenting skills by showing Eddie how he could wear Astro in the sling while he rides pell-mell down the OC roadways. This segment will be Exhibit X(1)(a)(4) in Simon Barney’s custody bid, you just watch. Also, there’s a judgment problem as to Tammy’s white eyeliner.

Back to Mexico, and what does that banner draped across Vic’s luxury condo say? Sexy GoGos? Vic is serving Coco Puffs for breakfast which suits her redneck brother Billy just fine. See, now Billy’s here to class things up, and he got the bigger bedroom, which he offers to swap with the grateful Beadors. Donn2 offers not to wear his Speedo which is also accepted with deep appreciation by the Beadors and all those with Expanded Basic nationwide.

Celeste and Babar go to the beach. Here are their friends, Zephir and the Old Lady! Celeste and Babar want to ride waterborne motorimplements.

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Zephir is excited, but the Old Lady is nervous. She is afraid of the sea, and the fish that live in it. But they climb aboard a motorimplement and enjoy a fine morning in the wavy sea. After, they have a luncheon of good tequila and crackers.

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Zephir is having a wonderful time, and the Old Lady wonders if he likes the elephants better than he likes her company. Zephir likes exercise and adventure, while the Old Lady likes to sit and worry about things. The Old Lady just wants Zephir to be her companion and worry with her. Celeste and the Old Lady decide to visit The City and leave Babar and Zephir to finish the tequila and take a nap in the sand. Or maybe ride a bicycle.

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In the city, Celeste takes the Old Lady to a cigar shop. Celeste thinks it is very attractive when lady elephants smoke cigars but the Old Lady thinks they make her cough. They sit down on a patio and order coffee and vodka and talk about the troublemaking baboon, Tammy.

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The Old Lady tells Celeste how Tammy told the mean zebra, Heather, that Zephir doesn’t love the Old Lady anymore and wants to move out, and that when the Old Lady tried to find out exactly how Tammy had betrayed her the zebra became very angry and ordered the Old Lady out of the savanna, with angry, unempathetic eyes. Celeste thinks Heather was wrong, but that the real trouble is with that sneaky baboon, Tammy. Tammy meddled with Celeste and Babar last season, and Celeste and Tammy’s friendship has not been the same since. Celeste thinks the Old Lady needs to be very careful what she says and does around Tammy the baboon.

can anybody HEAR ME?
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Back at Casa Dubrow, the chef is back and Heather is anxious to see how Dr. Terry likes his cooking. Also, they are going to watch Heather’s guest starring appearance on “Hawaii 5-0″. None of this makes any sense whatsoever. First, didn’t their first dinner with this chef involve two seatings (one child, one adult), whereas this meal is being taken together as a family? So how can this be Dr. Terry’s first time experiencing the chef’s cooking, unless Heather tried to pass meal #1 off as her own work or something. Second, didn’t Heather’s appearance on “Hawaii 5-0″ air the night of the ill-fated Beador Christmas Fiasco? Are we in reruns already? Whatever. The kids troop into the family room, mouths and fists stuffed with food, to watch Mom deliver soup to a serial killer before getting her ass stuffed down her ear canal. The family viewing parties watching Dr. Terry correct bad boob jobs will offer even more quality time for these happy six.

Returning to Mexico, Celeste has been crowned the Mayor of Puerto Vallarta, and she and Babar take Zephir and the Old Lady to a restaurant to celebrate. Two other scrappy animals come along. Zephir happily orders more tequila and the Old Lady observes that Zephir doesn’t normally like tequila. They argue whether Zephir likes tequila and if it is okay to put water in it. The Old Lady goes to the bathroom and cries. Celeste follows her and tells her to stop picking on Zephir. The Old Lady is unhappy that everyone is wondering whether Zephir likes her anymore. The Old Lady goes back to the table and she and Zephir go to a patio where he gives her a hug. Zephir still likes the Old Lady, but she needs to stop acting like such an old lady and try playing with the monkeys.

I feel for Shannon, I really do, but what in hell did she think was going to happen when she signed up for this shitshow? She doesn’t have a job, she has no hobbies (in fact doesn’t appear to voluntarily leave the house), and her holistic hypochondria is a major snore. All she has is a wobbly marriage, and even the most stable of marriages get wobbly on the Real Housewives. Sure as shit, first the media got wind that she was a possible new Housewife they uncovered the time she had Mr. Shannon arrested in a domestic argument in the very same breath. There’s no way this was going to go well. Scrutiny of her marriage was the only storyline available, too. So sorry as I feel for her, it’s her own damn fault she’s got all these bitches and the world at large speculating on the state of her union. If she hadn’t signed up for this show she wouldn’t even know any of these assholes.

Oh and PS: boobalicious Lizzie pretended to design swimsuits and wrung her hands over whether to have baby #3. LAME.

Next time: the Old Lady gets jiggy on the bar at Andales. The Dubrows think about getting a dog. Ryan fights with stepdad #2. Donn2 still hates Tammy, and Zephir and the Old Lady get serious.

beautiful day

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“Not A Drunk, Just Drunk”🍷RHONY Season 6 Episode 17 Recap

Morning, loves! Yes, we’re recapping RHONY first this week because once Tammy started harping on Eddie about slacking on his fair share of care for robobaby Astro, Mr. Little Mama started giving me the heavy “you are making me miss “Hillbilly Handfishing” for this? AGAIN?” look. He puts up a lot for all of us, and I really couldn’t justify more Astrocrap let alone Beador marital therapy with Vic n’ Donn2. So RHOC will have to wait.

Instead, let’s rejoin the ridiculous ladies of Manhattan, who are STILL IN MONTANA. Good Christ! I suppose Morocco and Scary Island went on this long, but is it just me or does this trip feel protracted? Although we’ve practically forgotten about Aviva altogether so really I should not complain. I’m wondering how many more episodes are left – most run about 18, so maybe next week Aviva’s going to toss her leg and we’ll be done with it.

Anyway: while Mo crows about her wonderful ice buckets full of RAMONA Pinot Grigio that demonstrate what a wonderful hostess SHE is, the actual hostess, Kristen, is crying in the bathroom over at Cabin Antlers. Radzi stops in to give her a there-there pat on the back and help her regather her shit. Kristen feels she just needs a good cry and I have been there, girl. Sometimes a trip that goes on too long and too intensely with too much wine and not enough sleep causes an emotional unraveling. I’ve felt like the odd girl out and it sucks, especially when I’ve known it’s my problem and not anyone else’s. After a few deep breaths Kristen is ready to move on to the next activity on the agenda: glamping.

nobody leaves baby on the weird area rug in the bathroom
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So is not ready: she is passed out in bed in her ill-fitting Pocohontas bikini seeking attention.”Get your boobs in!” snarls Mo, dragging her out of bed and stuffing them back in, SoMo muttering bitchery all the way because neither of them is into this trip in case we missed that the first 56 times it was mentioned.

And away we go. Attention Assy Bellino: THIS is glamping. big canvas tents, heavy timber beds with fluffy duvets, tons of pillows, hot cowboys. Tiny cabins with running water is not glamping, it is staying in tiny cabins. Montana is where glamping was born and raised, and this setup is a prime example. A glamping “pavilion”, multiple bedrooms, stemware. I could live like that. It must be cold, because So has rolled in in the bikini and a cardigan and seems to be suffering, whereas Kristen is wearing a truly hideous orange fur jacket from the Mob Wives collection.

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Soon a new fracas breaks out as all the broads argue over who is a bitch (Holla to Kristen), who is bossy (Kristen to Holla), who is a diva brat (Mo to Kristen), who is the real hostess (Mo to Mo), who is a wicked stepmother (Lu to So), and who is controlling (Kristen to Holla). Holla is disheveled and clearly inbriated and woozy, while all Kristen needs is a paper bag for her Night Train to complete the bag lady effect. Finally Holla stands on a chair and declares, loud and proud, “MY NAME IS HOLLA AND I AM BOSSY!”

Kristen’s not really done, though: she doesn’t think Holla is taking all this seriously, and her point is that Holla is super-bossy: at work, at home, with friends, and she should own it! Wait: at home? What is she saying? Is she saying Mr. Holla is cowering in the kitchen like a scullery maid? MEEP. Holla is pissed, and everyone agrees critiquing someone else’s marriage is a bad idea. You hear that, OC?

Kristen yells at everyone that they are mean and unappreciative and unfair and stalks off, with none other than Mo in hot pursuit. Mo agrees that Holla’s husband is happy to stand in Holla’s shadow, whereas MARIO, no one can miss flashy Mario! I think they both get that Kristen was merely observing an overall dynamic between the Thomsons, one very common in many functional, delightfully happy relationships, and not trying to undermine Mr. Holla’s manhood or anything like that. But observations tend to come out when they should best be kept to oneself, and come out wrong, when you’re hammered and wearing fur. Kristen’s now a bit scared of Holla, and I think she should be.

A new day dawns in the glamping pavilion and there are hangovers (Holla and Kristen) and constipations (So, who forgot her “vitamins”) to contend with. Kristen calls Mr. Kristen to update him on the sordid goings on and see if he thinks she’s really in trouble with his friend Holla or not. Mr. Kristen agrees that Holla is very Type A and that it’s not a character flaw. Kristen now feels even more misunderstood because she never meant to suggest it WAS. Sigh. Holla thinks Kristen started all this shiitake because she doesn’t have control over anything in her marriage, and she’s projecting. Holla is going to have to be drunk all day to deal with this mess, she thinks. Hey, we all have to be drunk to watch it, so fair is fair.

Off they go to the Rodeo, and they are all dolled up in cowgirl costumes, which makes them not just overdressed but potentially insulting to the real cowpeople. Kristen thinks Lu looks like the Master of Ceremonies, a rodeo ringmaster, if you will, and I agree. So announces that she desperately needs a hot dog, which is not going to help her constipation, whereas Lu and Radzi who are not constipated have to take it out back to the Port-A-Poos. A kountess and a princess using yesterday’s meals on wheels – who would have thought? Mr. Little Mama is very impressed by the mutton bustin’ (that’s when kids ride bucking sheep, FYI) and Holla thinks this is one of the most incredible events she has ever witnessed, which makes it unfortunate the dark cloud of her disagreement with Kristen is hanging over it all. Radzi tells Kristen she needs to apologize and get it right. Me?

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The rodeo over, it’s back to the ranch for a chuckwagon dinner at which all the staff is invited, because Kristen thought the ‘Wives needed some buffer and frankly, who doesn’t want more airtime for cute cowboys? After some recreational hatchet throwing, rather than the figurative professional kind we are used to witnessing, Holla and Kristen take a walk down to the river where they make up. Kristen asserts that she had a bad day, and that while she feels she’s entitled to voice her opinion she realizes her delivery sucked, and that’s enough for Holla, who will take any bullet for her friend Kristen, just as long as she apologizes for making her do it the next day. The end.

Next time: So tells Aviva everyone thinks she’s a big fat asthmatic phony. The Taekmans argue which I suspect is going to culminate in little Canterbury or whatever her name is standing up and marching out of the room. So is getting serious about Horny Harry, and there’s a cabaret, guys! Will Lu perform? Will the leg be thrown? Will that be the end?

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OH and HEY! Guess who’s being featured on Bob Vila Thumbs Up?

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Pop on over to check out my mason jar chandelier and some other super clever mason jar projects, and vote for your favorite. Early and often, friends!

beautiful day

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“Correction: I Think It’s The Whole Tree” 🍷RHONY Season 6 Episode 16 Recap

I am up to my ta-ta’s in swim team, swim lessons, tutoring, work, packing for overnight camp, and last-minute birthday party prep. Finding time to watch and recap these ridiculous women is elusive. We must be getting near the tail end of this season, right? And according to RadarOnline, the entire cast is getting the boot, except: Mo Singer. NOOOOOOOOO! I can appreciate the show needing an overhaul (although what franchise has not experienced a rumor of mass firing recently?) but if they have to keep someone, please don’t let it be Mo Singer! She throws stuff – it’s like keeping a Uruguayan soccer player on the team! I’d rather see them try to work around Kountess Lu. I can’t see a legitimate moneyed NYC socialite ever deigning to get involved in this shitshow, but I am betting Lu knows a few emigres from obscure Latin or European countries who might give it a go.

Anyway: this conveniently may be the shortest recap I ever write, because I hate to agree with Mo but there isn’t a whole lot going on in Montana. Morning dawns and apparently both Lu and So made it out of the rodeo ring dinner alive because they are at their separate cabins having completely different vacations. Lu has gone for a sunrise hike and feels it’s great to be alive. So has been sleeping off the RAMONA Pinot Grigio and is sexually harassing the ranch hand trying to help her reorganize the arugula in the cabin fridge. Apparently tonight’s social plans involve dinner in Cabin Antlers with a personal chef, and SoMo is all pissy about it. They want to go where Will Smith dines when he is in Montana. The Fresh Prince?

Fresh Prince, Jr.
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Before the controversial dinner chez Antlers, today’s excursion is fly fishing. Cabin Antlers is ready to roll with their personal items in fanny packs. Cabin Beavers is carrying purses. Another difference is that Cabin Antlers looks cute in their waders, whereas Cabin Beavers looks dumpy and has cellulite. Cabin Antlers sort of catches one fish when So assists the pro with the net; Cabin Beavers sort of catches one fish when Holla has one on the line, then dumps herself into the big muddy and ends up with a pantload of water. Tee hee!

Dinner time, y’all! After bitching behind Kristen’s back for not having an ice bucket on hand (she’s such a terrible hostess, with that tiny condo and all), Cabin Antlers traipses uncertainly across the forest, dressy outfits, heels and all, for dinner. Mo’s so excited about tonight’s meal that she’s foregoing the RAMONA Pinot Grigio in favor of a vodka martini (or maybe Kristen drank it all).

Kountess Lu and Kristen are bonding over both being from Connecticut. “I wouldn’t tell people that,” dismisses So. Huh? It’s not like they are revealing that they are from Inner Armpit, West Virginia or something. But whatever, with that we make the natural segue back to squalling about What The Facialist Said. So is not budging; she insists her facialist is a lovely person (not to mention an excellent aesthetician) who merely repeated what other people have been saying – that Lu is a dominatrix who has a thing for short Frenchmen with think penii and has been stepping out on Pepe without a care in the world – so Lu’s issue should really be with “the people” and not with the messenger. Lu is furious and insists she never would allow a guest or employee in her home to speak that way about her friends.

“I’ve had enough of this – I am bringing up Aviva!” shouts Mo. “Oooh, let’s!” Kristen enthuses. Mo’s theory is that Aviva developed asthma as a psychosomatic response to being separated from Reid for a week, and wants to call Aviva to advise her of her diagnosis before realizing it’s really late in New York, and also no cameras on hand on the other end. Radzi confirms that such a phenomenon is an actual illness called Munchausen’s Syndrome. And now we know!

So with that settled it’s back to The Facialist. So casually admits she invited the facialist over purely because she wanted to hear the rumor rundown. This makes Lu even madder – that So invited this woman over to get the scoop on greater Manhattan, and when the scoop turned to Lu, So who elicited it did not shut it down. “You are not a friend!” she shouts, and storms out. Kristen is on Team So for this because she (a) thought the whole gossipy facial was hilarious, which it was; and (b) cannot be taken seriously. So announces that if you lie down with pigs you are a pig, which doesn’t make a whit of sense to me but is in apparent reference to Lu, and all agree she’s now gone too far in abusing the Kountess. Look at that! Limits!

A new day dawns and from here things get really lame. They split up in the morning and Holla goes for a glamping massage with SoMo while Kristen, Radzi in a weird peuce gown and bolero, and the Kountess Lu go for a wander in the woods, during which they conclude that So is throwing Lu under the gossip train because she’s jealous of her alimony, Hampton’s home, kids, Pepe, and general post-divorce stability. Yeah, it must be that. So tells the glampy massage crew that she thinks Lu should be glad the people are talking about her, and it’s not nearly as bad as the people saying So has lopsided boobs anyway.

the pigtails… oh, the pigtails. Do you suppose Kristen’s top is from the new Kountess Lu Kollection?
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In the afternoon, the Geritol Brigade goes off skeet shooting and harassing another cowboy, while the more energetic youngsters (Lu, Kristen, and Holla, who’s a regular X Games challenger at this point) are going rappeling. Holla has done this before, of course, whereas Kristen is terrified and insists on going first before she can chicken out. And over and down she goes, trembling and sobbing the entire time, which is exactly how I would do it except I would chicken out. Lu is much the same and lands in a bush in the bottom. Aren’t they supposed to have a belayer on the other end or something? Finally, down comes Spiderwoman, blathering the whole drop that it’s EASY, you guys! Piece of cake! And Kristen is a lameass chickenshit for crying and making a fuss. I hate people like that. Kristen hates her now, too, which is why we are friends.

After getting SoModrunk at lunch, the afternoon activity is geocaching, hosted by the same cowboy who herded the skeet shooters in the morning. He has had all the bullshit he can take from these broads, so he shows them how the GPS gadgets work, tells them to look for dollar store crap in the “timber”, and leaves. Mo is particularly crabby and bitchy about having to wander in the woods on a scavenger hunt and takes off, leaving So and Holla to run away into the woods snickering and being general mean girls. Radzi and Lu are trying really hard to be good sports and participate with the activity Kristen planned, but she is completely distracted by the mean girls having separated themselves and being off whispering. This has become a 6th grade slumber party three days in.

Kristen whines to Holla about whyyyyyyy doesn’t she want to geocache with her? which causes Holla to yell at Kristen that she doesn’t have to do things that make her cry and feel crappy. “You are mean and bossy!” cries Kristen. And the gloves come off: “I’m honest, not bossy! I just don’t feel like looking for shit in the woods! Why are you so stupid, doing something you can’t do and crying at the beginning AND the end?” That’s it for Kristen and she bolts.

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Next time: we’re goin’ to the Rodeo! There’s gonna be portapoos and hatchet throwing (really bad idea), and Kristen’s still upset. But she’s preeeettty!!

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“She Needs Some STFU Oil”🍷RHOC Season 9 Episode 10 Recap

SIGH. Hope we’re all ready for a whole lotta sad and painful tonight. I think the Beadors’ getting involved in this shitshow was a big mistake. Huge. Shannon reminds me of someone else I know who really needs a job or a hobby or something to give her life greater meaning so she’s not desperately scrabbling for it at all times.

We resume with Shannon and Tammy on Tammy’s sectional with the unfortunate “Mr.” and “Mrs.” throw pillows given the circumstances. We’ve backed up a little bit and Shannon is explaining that she got the email in question from Mr. Shannon last night. She is now in fear for what is about to happen to her family, and says that Mr. Shannon lights up when he interacts with the kids, whereas when she snipes speaks to him his eyes are blank. Also, they do not sleep in the same bedroom because of a coughing problem she had  a number of years ago. ZOINKS. A month or so ago, my regular issue of Architectural Digest had Bette Midler’s Manhattan penthouse on the cover, and I was perfectly shocked that her and her husband’s separate bedrooms were photographed and presented like there’s nothing at all weird about it. And here we are again. I thought it was a little odd the way Mr. Shannon was having to traverse the hallways in preparing for a long winter’s night last episode.

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Anyway: Shannon has clearly realized the wheels have come off and that she’s got some backtracking and correction to do to get back on course. Tammy, however, thinks she’s making excuses for her husband. Um. You get what you give, Tammy, and if what you’re dishing out is bitter snappery that’s the tone you’ve set. Not normally one a person seeks in a marital relationship.

So just then Shannon gets the text from hell Mr. Shannon, in which he tells her that someone overheard Heather Dubrow talking about his email at dinner that night with a table full of women. MEEEP! Seeing as Tammy is the only person Shannon has told about this email situation (other than Production), Shannon’s eyes widen and she stares at her hostess, who insists she didn’t tell Heather and hopes desperately some out is going to materialize. Loose lips, bitch!

Changing tones to other divorcees with relationship problems, Vic’s at home choking down a MMM (Multi-Level Marketing Milkshake) and chatting with her long-distance love Donn2. Long distance because they BOTH (note: BOTH) work so so much. So much that Vic receives an award for her hardworkingness. Donn2 gets temporary “evidence” that he’s not a deadbeat. Anyway, they are going to Puerto Vallarta Ay Ay together very soon, and the Beadors are supposed to come with for at least part of the trip, which is a good sign. Vic’s haircut is SO much better, thank God.

Speaking of the Beadors, back at their residential edifice Mr. Shannon has come home early again, after coming home early last night to apologize for his email while Shannon was out at Tammy’s losing her shit. Although Shannon has supposedly received a wake-up call about the state of her marriage, she nonetheless snips at Mr. Shannon for snacking on chips and salsa every night when he gets home. “If dinner was ready when I got here I wouldn’t have to,” he retorts, before stalking off. Shannon leaves the girls playing an odd game of “Skunk in the Barnyard” like a trio of horror movie characters while she goes out in the dark to “run an errand”.

And that “errand” is going by the Temporary Dubrow Digs to try to get to the bottom of Emailgate. And who would have imagined it but Heather and Dr. Terry just happen to be casually sitting about bantering about their need for a larger bed and catching up on Heather’s lunch with Tammy and how Tammy just has to decide that she wants to be Heather’s friend when: ding dong! It’s Shannon!

They sit on Heather’s sectional under her oddly-papered-over gold record awards or whatever they are while Dr. Terry pours Shannon a beverage. It turns out way too strong, but Shannon says she needs to “learn to drink a stronger drink”. No you do not. Anyway: getting past the small talk, Shannon tells Heather why she is there. She has heard a rumor about an email from her husband, and wants some insight from Heather as to how it got ’round to her, because it’s hurtful to her kids that it’s being discussed.

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Now, I personally thought Shannon phrased that in about as gentle, non-accusatory, and thoughtful a way she possibly could, but that doesn’t stop Heather from biting Shannon’s head off that she hadn’t shown up on the doorstep tearfully intending to apologize for yelling at her at the Christmas party  first. What? Shannon defends herself as having been upset that Heather told Tammy she had to “pick a side” between herself and Heather. Which would have pissed me off, too. Heather clarifies that she had merely advised Tammy that her behavior toward Heather was being inconsistent, and she needed to pick a  lane and decide whether she’s a friend or not, Shannon had nothing to do with it. Shannon immediately accepts that explanation, which is not what she was told (and which was told to her specifically to piss her off and make her bite off Heather’s head all over again, it should be observed), and apologizes.

So NOW I really think that should be enough about ALL of that, but nooooooo. Heather keeps going on and on about how she feels she’s being held to a different standard and other poor-me bullshit while Shannon waits to get to the real business, which is what the hell circus has her life become and can Heather possibly help her sort it out? Please?

Heather curtly explains that yes, she and Tammy had lunch, and Tammy did tell her that she was feeling empathy for Shannon who was having marital issues that Tammy feels all to familiar with – and past that, she’s not giving up a soul. Heather CANNOT understand why Shannon would be mad at her for repeating this story rather than pointing her energy and Nancy Drew efforts at the original “rumor spreader”, Tammy. And then kicks her ass right out of the house. Shannon leaves, crumpled, and mortified. “That doesn’t feel good,” observes Dr. Terry. Heather seethes that Shannon’s pain is not her fault through gritted teeth. Heather, my friend, you played this one all wrong. The girl came to you looking for help so she doesn’t make matters worse with wild accusations, not looking to make accusations against you.

In the car, Shannon calls Mr. Shannon and tells her she was betrayed by Tammy who she thought was a friend, and though she thoughts Heather would feel compassion for her situation she instead threw her out of the house. She is totally perplexed, and so am I.

Meanwhile, the elephants have landed in Puerto Vallarta. They are both wearing hats, like Babar and Celeste, and the girl elephant is wearing an Ed Hardy sarong from the Jon Gosselin Clearance Section. It seems Vic’s dad built this condo more than 23 years ago so it’s old home to Vic. This makes a lot more sense than her affinity for the streets demonstrated last season.

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Back in Cali, the Judges are taking delivery of their Robobaby, Astro, who does in fact look exactly like Vic’s grandson Troy as Tammy observes. The purpose of this is to have a pretend experiment in parenting like it’s some high school health class. Whatever. I sure hope that car seat came with the robot doll because there’s no way a Baby Judge is coming out of this operation. Eddie proves to be a capable breast-feeder, however.

Over at the Beadors, holistic hypochondriac Shannon has her essential oils specialist coming over, and Lizzie and Danielle are stopping by to learn a few things about this hippie operation. Lizzie wants some good hand sanitizer because her home has become a Carnival cruise ship. Shannon announces she needs some happy schmear and tells the ladies about the beatdown she received at the hands of Heather Dubrow. Lizzie, who can see how people would misinterpret Heather’s “deliberate” style of oration as condescending, thinks Shannon’s whole issue with Heather is due to her own failure to take Heather as she is. She honestly doesn’t think Heather would have gotten quite this worked up without a good reason, and suggests Shannon that maybe Shannon needs to talk to Tammy, the cause of all this fiasco, first. Danielle thinks that maybe if Shannon didn’t drink straight vodka no one would be talking about how she drinks too much. “Danielle needs some STFU oil,” snarls Shannon.

Down in Mexico, the elephants are getting a couples massage. This is totally unremarkable except then they roll over and totally expose all their “pink parts” to the camera and the poor massage ladies who looked terrified long before that even happened. As an old family friend used to say, Vic and Donn2 have lovely skin, and so much of it. It’s a miracle they were able to blur it all out. I hope those ladies got major tips.

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FINALLY: Shannon and Tammy meet up at some cantina for a showdown. Tammy blows my fricking mind right off the bat by ADMITTING she told Heather, and apologizing. Not like she had any other options. She then proceeds to completely throw Heather under the bus, insisting she wasn’t out gossiping but was trying to find the one tiny shred of empathy in Heather’s cold, dead heart, and claiming Heather responded by hectoring her for dirt on the Beadors’ marriage. She further asserts she begged Heather not to repeat the beans she spilled and Heather promised she would not. I don’t remember that bit at all. Oh, and also, Tammy insists Heather pointedly said Shannon had never apologized for the Christmas party fiasco. I don’t remember that bit, either. Shannon feels hurt and betrayed and will never trust Tammy again. I think she and Heather are going to find they have lots of things in common after all very, very soon.

Simultaneously, the Dubrows and Lizzie are out to dinner (Mr. Lizzie is home barfing in a trash can). Heather’s more detailed explanation of what happened in Emailgate makes slightly more sense; she says that after her lunch with Tammy she went to dinner with some ladies – some friends, some not. One of her friends asked if she had ever heard from Shannon to sort out the Christmas party fiasco, and Heather says she said no, but she knows Shannon was in a bad place because she’d gotten a “funky email” so she’s legitimately distracted by other matters (funny how her distraction wasn’t quite so legitimate the following evening…), and then the girls who were not her friends took off gossiping about Shannon and Heather, of course, tried to shut it all down. Of course.

Heather also says she had a hard time interacting with Shannon who went from “yelling” to “digging” at her doorstep, that her kids were overhearing their mother totally overreact and bitch out a sad confused person seeking insight their squabble, and that after kicking Shannon out of the house she had texted her to say she was sorry, but that Shannon’s problem was with someone else and not Heather, and got no response. Lizzie tells Heather that Shannon, who had in fact told her all about this, had said she was trying to go to a friend to sort out the facts behind a personal problem (read: maybe Heather misunderstood the situation). “But what about my ruined Christmas Eve?” Heather wails. Seriously? And isn’t she Jewish?

Next time: Vic and Donn2 teach the Beadors a thing or two about “healthy coupledom” in Puerto Vallarta. Girl, please.

beautiful day

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Summer Musts☀️Top 5

Although we’ve been on vacation for a full month already, Saturday marks the official first day of Summer. Mr. Little Mama and I will be away from the daily grind of swim team, summer camp, and summer-slump-avoidance activities for just over 24 hours celebrating a dear friend’s very happy marriage in Taos, New Mexico – a perfect restart of summer, as it were. Seriously considering bringing my juicer, Kim Richards-style.

A long, ultra-hot summer in the desert is a bit to the Southwest what a long, ultra-snow-packed winter may be like to the greater Plains. You don’t get all fancy about it, you just get through it and make the best of things. Here are five summer essentials I count on nearly every day to make it through 105˚ in the shade (or, as seems to be the case for me, crisscrossing town all day in the grocery-getter):

1) Garnet Hill gauze sundress

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I have two of these: pink and indigo dip-dye. I am not lying when I say I wear it at least once a week, more often if I feel confident I am not going to see people I ran into on last wearing. It goes in the wash, it goes over a swimsuit, it’s supposed to be wrinkly, it’s heaven to wear. Original $98 and now on sale for $59!

2) YSL Volupté Sheer Candy Glossy Balm

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Summers here are hot and dry like a rice cake. With especially dry lips I need something moisturizing, and gloppy, sticky gloss is not it. This is. It’s like a popsicle stain, but shiny. I have it in Succulent Pomegranate and Mouthwatering Berry, which has the same sort of color effect Clinique’s Black Honey does. But I like this better.

3) Birks

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YES I KNOW. But they are so comfortable, and if you are going to wear flip flops every day you have to look out for your foot and body health. Birks provide support and shock absorption – my back does not get “tired” in my Birks the way it does in just about any other shoe. And they last forever. I have a pair of orange metallic ones, because I think orange goes with everything, but I dig these silver ones.

4) Zoku slush maker

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Liquid of your choice + slushy drink in minutes. Just get one.

5) Bobbi Brown Beach

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I am really picky about smells. I am also really picky about going to the mall or department stores, as in I won’t. Therefore when a new perfume comes out I am often left wondering whether it really does smell like my idea of eternity, or grace, or some other entrancing concept. I popped in a boutique a few months ago when I was early for a lunch date with friends and they had a sample of Bobbi Brown Beach on the counter. SOLD! This stuff smells exactly like what you expect the beach to smell like: Coppertone, fresh air, and the sea. It smells like a happy summer memory, that’s what it smells like. Ah!

weekend

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Allergic to Fun🍷RHONY Season 6 Episode 15 Recap

Damn you, Mr. Andy! The hour at which the ‘Wives are on in my time zone is entirely too late as it is – now you have demoted moved RHONY back one hour to a “special time”? Gee, thanks! People, why aren’t more of you watching this season? I personally prefer this silliness to the usual. But alas…

Anyway, it’s Labor Day in the Big Apple and freshman Housewife Kristen is pretending to have planned the season field trip to Montana. And in preparation for a trip to Montana, she is joining Radzi for her triweekly Brazilian wax. Because… I don’t know why. The waxer and the waxee are enough population for one waxing room. One does not bring friends in to get their cookie waxed. (Speaking of, I had totally forgotten about The Cookie Waxer who was a ‘Wife a season or two ago, until she popped up in my recent InStyle with some tips about…. cookie waxing. Funny how no one has mentioned her.)

a real friend holds your knee
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So in between rips Radzi tells Kristen that after Kristen told her what So’s facialist said about So having given former boyfriend Russ the boots, Radzi called Russ to (a) tell him, and (b) confirm this is untrue. Because So neither confirmed nor denied, which is either (a) attention seeking, or, if she legitimately has no idea (b) evidence of blackout drunkenness or early-onset Alzheimers. Russ, of course, not only denies having given So the boots but isn’t even sure who Radzi was talking about. So is not his type. Russ, however, is So’s type, as he has a dingus, Radzi observes. Quite right.

Also enjoying some spa time are the old farts, Aviva and Mo, who are resting their weary bones at some ancient baths place. Mo is bitching about having to go to Montana, of all the Godforsaken places. It’s so boring at night! All dark and stuff. Mo hates everywhere so why does anyone even ask her for an opinion? Well, Aviva might not even be able to go because she has suddenly developed life-threatening asthma within the last month. As well as an allergy to horses and altitude. And she’s so disappointed because she really really wanted to go to Montana, where the air is crisp and clean and entirely devoid of big-city pollutants which tend to cause…. asthma. Not a mention of her phobias this go around, of which she must have been magically cured when she visited… the farm. And its barn. And its horses. Aviva feels real real bad about it because she really feels she owes burdening Mo with her presence after being such a flailing bitch in St. Barth’s last time. Whatever – no one wants her to go anyway because she sucks.

At the SoStone, Pickles is helping So pick out her panties for Montana. As we all know So has designated underpants for her various getaways. Is this like how in Wisconsin you can’t take a boat that’s been in one body of water into another without getting it completely disinfected and certified free of non-native creatures? Mr. Little Mama is impressed by So’s safes, which I assure him are all empty. We both feel the SoStone’s location next to a parking garage is taking away from its resale value.

Mo meets up with Kristen at a totally bizarre urban cowboy store managed by a very stoned and homosexual Woody Harrelson to buy some boots for the trip and complain some more about having to go to Montana. This is also her chance to dangle-drop the news that Aviva might not be coming because of her asthma. Not the phobias, this year at least. Speak of the devil, here comes Aviva herself all cowgirled up and armed with a doctor’s note to confirm that yes, she cannot come because of the altitude-horses-cattle-asthma. She just cannot.

Kristen is apoplectic that Aviva is not coming on the trip, not because she actually wants Aviva to come but because it’s horseshit and everyone knows it, and she says so. Aviva replies by shrieking “asthma asthma asthma!” like Jan Brady and hurling the contents of a Ziploc conveniently full of prescription medication at Kristen, before taking a deep puff off an inhaler.

asthma, asthma, asthma!
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A real inhaler! See how asthmatic I am – I am PUFFING on an INHALER! Christ, woman: this is not exactly Russian Roulette here. Kristen says maybe the doctor’s note is from a doctor friend, and not an actual medical professional of whom Aviva is a patient, which Aviva shouts is incredibly rude of her to say. It suggests this mystery person is a friend to Aviva, for one thing. Kristen continues to insist that Aviva’s past history of being Red Riding Hood, whose cape she is currently wearing, begs the suspicion that she is now making up another poor-me story to get out of another trip. Aviva insists she has NEVER lied. About ANYTHING. At least that does not involve maligning others. And Kristen is a BITCH! How very RUDE! How very high and mighty is what I think. Mo thinks she should have gotten more than the Xanax and Valium from her doctor.

Whatever. Anyway: Radzi and Holla are so very excited because they both love adventure and tomboy stuff and now that Aviva’s not going it’s really going to be fabulous. Kristen’s a little nervous about leaving Mr. Kristen with the littles but it doesn’t matter because he plans to farm them out to her parents and go rage at the beach anyway. Aviva pretends to consult long-suffering Reid, who is mouseturbating his iPad, again, about whether she should just take a huge risk and go to Montana, a state she is dying to see (insert inhaler puff here for dramatic effect), or would it be irresponsible and possibly expose her to Legionnaires Disease, again? You cannot go, assures Reid. OK then. Notably, we see nothing about Mo’s fears of leaving Mario to his extra-curricular activities, which is what was most worthy of concern as it all turned out.

Off they go and are the only commuters in the Missoula airport that afternoon, where a wheelchair with an large “AVIVA DRESCHER” sign longingly waits for its assignee to never arrive. They are transported in two Suburbans, because one was not enough for all six of these egos, to the unidentified ranch, where they are welcomed with Mason jars of Huckleberry Hounds, whatever that is. Mo is pissy about the lack of RAMONA Pinot Grigio and about having to ride in a “sled” out to the cabins.

And the cabins, they are spectacular. “Antlers” has been called by Holla, Kountess Lu, and Kristen, while SoMo and freshly-waxed Radzi will appropriately stay in “Beavers”. Mo has wisely sent multiple cases of RAMONA wine ahead which is a good thing because she is already out of Valium and only going to survive this excursion blotto.

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So the first thing our city slickers are going to do is herd cattle, sorting the steers from the heifers. Easy enough, right? But Mo can’t find anywhere to hang her purse on her uncooperative, munchy horse, and demands to swap with Kountess Lu who is always the person trying to make things easy, isn’t she? Meanwhile, So’s nervous because despite being portrayed as an expert horsewoman in the past, she hasn’t actually gotten on a horse since she was last dumped off. I can’t say I blame her for that – I loved riding as a child until I was repeatedly assigned a completely deranged horse at summer camp. Once you get spooked it’s hard to unspook.

Except, as they say, to get back on and ride, which is exactly what So does, God bless her. Holla and Radzi also do an excellent job and maybe Holla should have pursued that career plan as a ski instructor/dude rancher, because she’s sort of weak at trying to be black. Just saying.

With the cattle herded and sorted it’s time for dinner, this time at an indoor rodeo arena where once again our Housewives are The Only People. What is with this? It’s like they sent out an Emergency Response System Amber Alert that the Housewives were coming and the people all scattered. Mo instantly starts meowing about how she doesn’t want “cattle manure” getting in her dinner, even though they are inside an enclosed viewing area and she’s more likely to accidentally consume one of her chin hairs.

Dinner is served and Lu decides to lay into So (who has a blonde wig half in and half out of her clutch, for some reason) about her facialist. Lu finds it perfectly Not Klassy that So would invite this woman over to her house and permit her to prattle on gossiping terrible things. I mean, if So couldn’t get adequately riled up when the little lady suggested The Kountess loves bonking tiny Frenchmen with abandon and disregard for the Pepe, for God’s sake at least she should get offended when the lady suggests So herself stole a friend’s man, or at least borrowed! It’s “horrifying”! insists Lu.

who cheats on this shit, man?
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So just isn’t quite as disgusted (because someone talking about her is…. someone talking about her) and chalks it up to the “personal services industry” being what it is. Kristen points out that the utter absurdity of the facialist’s allegations made it hilarious. Can’t Lu see the funny? No she cannot. Mo thinks Lu is way too sensitive, because according to Mo everyone is always way too something as long as we’re not talking about Mo herself who is way too everything. So thinks that real models and actresses, like herself and Kristen, know to let these things roll off like a duck’s back. Oh shit. Here comes.

Next time: these gals are doing it ALL, people! Shootin’, tootin’, fishin’, rappellin’, hikin’, and fightin’. Lots of that last bit.

beautiful day

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