“Does He Give You Gas?” 🍷 RHOC Season 9 Reunion Part 1 Recap

Reunion time, people! And it isn’t looking good for Ms. Tammy seeing as she’s alone on the left couch with Heather Dubrow. Mr. Andy goes to Vic (in the middle over in the right couch) first, as is the custom, and as he greets her Tammy is shooting major eye daggers at her. Oooh, burn! The big news is that Vic is thinking about buying Andale’s, and Lizzie used to date Nick Lachey, both before and after J. Simpson, but if you read any gossip magazines or websites you knew that.

Let’s talk about tonight’s looks, shall we?

* Heather got bangs cut during hair and makeup and is in a wine colored shift. Not her color.

* Tammy is wearing Barbie pink and looks OLD. And more like Ryan every day, thankfully save the pubey beard.

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* Shannon, who arrived with her hair wet in a towel and no makeup on, is now in a hot pink peplumy cocktail sheath with real-looking diamonds. Makeup does a lot for that woman.

* Lizzie is all Lizzed up in a yellow and cream strapless things from the TJ Maxx prom department. She’s just too much everything. And her skin looks really rough.

* And then there’s Vic. Tonight the grande dame has decided to grace us stuffed into a red lace super-deep-cleave cocktail sleeve. Her giant fake mammys look like a butt. Also, her neck; to paraphrase Nora Ephron, I feel badly about her neck. Face and hair look okay, though. Being mooned by Vic’s boobass is going to really bother me.

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So Mr. Andy kicks things off by asking about the junior set. Tammy basically completely dismisses Ryan’s relationship with his babymomma as an act of two desperate fools who met on Instagram at vulnerable moments in their lives. Also, he basically met her and moved away two weeks later. Well, how are things going now? That would be the telling fact. Not a word.

Vic is still crying every day that Briana moved away. She has been to visit SEVEN times in less than three months. Briana shows up on Skype with Troy and the new baby, Owen. She’s hanging in, and the freezer full of food Vic left behind helps. In related news, all of Oklahoma now hates Vic, which is fine because she hates Oklahoma back.

So let’s talk about Shannon Beador and Heather Dubrow, shall we? Heather explains immediately that she felt marginalized when Shannon met Vic n’ Tammy, who were already excluding and picking on her, so she was ridiculous, prickly, and sensitive, and overblew the chair thing, and owes Shannon an apology. WELL! Shannon appreciates the apology but points out that it’s “Heather Dubrow’s thing” to repeat something over and over again until all the world can do nothing but believe it as true, which is what she did to Shannon, and she kind of needs to lay off doing that.

Shannon also thinks Tammy throws a whole lotta fuel on Heather Dubrow’s fire. She feels that the way Heather dressed her down at the hoedown for her lateness was “punitive”, to borrow a Heather Dubrow phrase, but Tammy’s really to blame for pointing out to Heather that Shannon was late in the first place. The left couch – Tammy and Heather – both acknowledge Shannon did not actually yell at Heather at her Christmas party, while Shannon now acknowledges she wishes she never stood up to Heather on Tammy’s behalf in the first place. “She has a right to her opinion,” snarls Tammy. WHOO. Looks like Heather Dubrow is backing right off and clearing the way for Pile On Tammy Time, and we’re not even 15 minutes in.

So for reasons unclear Mr. Andy changes the topic to Vic. The segue is apparently “forgiveness”, and whether/how the parties involved in last season’s Donn2 audiotape “beat that bitch” fiasco have forgiven and moved on. I think. Vic says she didn’t forgive easily, but Donn2 really genuinely felt badly and made a mistake so she did ultimately forgive him, which sounds pretty easily to me. One person she’s not forgiving too easily, though, is Tammy, apparently for not liking Donn2. Tammy jumps in to cry that she never brought Donn2 up herself, that she’s agreed to accept him if that’s what Vic wants but she doesn’t have to like him and doesn’t and THAT’S HER OPINION!!!!!!!!! I think Tammy has been eating Kelly Bensimon’s gummy bears. “I didn’t say he’s a low down piece of shit con artist!” she shouts. Except she just did. Shannon likes that LDPOSCA because he “lights up” Vic’s eyes. So there.

Time to move on to more awkwardness, this time the ugly between Dr. Terry and Mr. Shannon, who have both lost about 25 pounds and look great. Mr. Andy asks why Mr. Shannon sent Shannon The Email and Mr. Shannon says sometimes he finds it easier to express things in writing, which Heather agrees is often the best way. Shannon pipes up that getting The Email was the worst thing that ever happened to her, until she was betrayed by Tammy who called her a “sad soul”. Tammy, who “stirs things up” and makes up crap about the Dubrows wanting to take the Beadors down and says Shannon drinks too much. Tammy continues to insist Shannon drinks too much, but let’s be honest, if we had to hang around Tammy for weeks on end we’d all drink too much.

Mr. Andy asks about the night Heather threw Shannon out and again, here’s Heather backpedaling furiously and insisting she now feels terrible that she was so wrapped up in herself, that she feels terribly sorry, but that throwing Tammy under the bus is where she would have drawn the line. A semantical disagreement over whether Heather kicked Shannon out or invited her to get out ensues. Heather apologizes again, and Shannon points out that this is where they differ; Shannon accepts an apology the first time, whereas Heather seems to require repeated efforts.

Back to Tammy for a minute, as the “take down” comment pops up. “There’s the truth and there’s the goddamn truth,” says Shannon, declaring that either Tammy made the whole thing up or Terry actually said it. Vic concurs that Tammy told her about it, too. Tammy starts shrieking that Shannon drinks and twists things, which is when Lizzie pipes up that no matter what was going on it was super weird of Tammy to bring it up as a discussion topic in front of a table full of people who were all going to melt down over it. DAMN. Shannon and Lizzie are way too smart for this shiitake.

But we’ve got to keep postponing the best pile-on-Tammy stuff so Mr. Andy brings it back to Dr. Terry and Mr. Shannon and how Dr. Terry lost his bananas at Vic’s Balinese dinner party. Dr. Terry, backpedaling himself, says he didn’t hear the spread-em crack at the hoedown but heard about it later and the comments made by those throwing Mr. Shannon under the bus made the crack sound so much worse. Also, he thought Mr. Shannon’s apology in front of others was “grandstanding”. Funny, Mr. Shannon thought it was a sincere apology at the first opportunity to give it. He meant the crack to be funny (which it clearly was, but also in bad taste), and HE found Dr. TERRY to be scary angry at that dinner table. Which he was.

Dr. Terry tries to explain his belittling “construction guy” comment as being intended to complain about construction guys who catcall, not to belittle. No one is buying it. Oh, and by the way, Mr. Shannon is a big hot flirt who asks Vic what color bra she is wearing. Shannon finds this unsettling. Mr. Andy then asks Dr. Terry and Mr. Shannon if, in conclusion, either of them finds their behavior with regards to the other regrettable. Dr. Terry does, in fact, regret his tone, his outburst, and getting all riled up. Mr. Shannon fires back that like their wives, the difference between him and Dr. Terry is that all it takes is one apology and Mr. Shannon is over it.

Next time: we’re ramping up on Tammy and her ugly, black heart. Cheers!

beautiful day

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Hard Core Heidi 🍷 Project Runway Season 13 Episode 5 Recap

Five episodes in to season 13 of PR and I am just getting recapping. This happens – the first few are the “look at the silly people” episodes that are amusing, but not always great fashion. Right about now is where shit starts getting real. (I just typed “shit sharts” – ha!)

So in episode 5 we’re getting real by designing Heidi a dress to wear to the Creative Arts Emmys. This is the Emmys that isn’t actually on TV, unlike the Emmys on tonight to which she will presumably wear something else. Made by a professional.

It’s always tough when the challenge is to dress Heidi; she’s gorgeous with a perfect body, but has very specific ideas about what she likes and doesn’t without having a distinct style or look. She likes things hard and soft. She likes a lot of skin showing. She likes things that are so ugly they are cute. And what she likes and what I like are often not the same, so it’s basically a giant dilemma for these frazzled, overwrought designers.

Coming into this episode, Wart, our voter-retrieved loser from last season, has immunity. She’s basically going into each challenge like she’s a bit buzzed and couldn’t care less, and immunity just ups the ante. So she’s doing something perfectly Mrs. Roper involving electric blue and cheap looking bead trim, or at least I think it’s beads. I am shocked gold lame ricrac isn’t involved. Heidi’s going with it. Whee!

This season we also have an uberconfident gay Hawaiian who I shall name Pono because he reminds me of Pono, our chubby tour guide when Mr. Little Mama and I went zip lining in Kauai. (Which, for the record, was perfectly terrifying.) Pono claims he is cousins with the guy who sang the Hawaiian version of “Over the Rainbow”. I am pretty sure all Hawaiians claim to be that dude’s cousin. But anyway. Pono works fast. He works fast, he seems inclined to the glitz, so he’s on this like butter. His gown involves black lace and curvy-seamed black side panels, and a back cut down to the butt cleavage. Heidi loves butt cleavage so she’s into it.

British Bill Rancic, who has been scraping the bottom week in and week out thus far, is going to go with electric blue and black, a combo I loathe. But in fringe. I am intrigued.

Elsewhere, there are struggles. Many, many struggles. There’s a Asian girl with 50 shades of gray dye in her hair who bought see-thru fabric. Blossom is working up a painfully dark green satin something with one long sleeve and a lot of snakeskin, and Heidi hates it. ALL of it. The Indian girl everyone hates has something going on with gold snaky fabric that she’s painting and peacock feathers. I actually like it, but Heidi does NOT. Someone else has a bustline that Heidi thinks looks like devil’s horns. She also doesn’t like the graphic print of Sprocket’s look, but I think it has potential.

It’s basically a disaster in the making, and with more than one designer lacking sufficient or appropriate fabric Tim and Heidi decide to throw a rarely-invoked bone and give everyone $100 more dollars and a chance to go back to Mood. Those who do not wish to get more fabric get to use the time otherwise lost, and can also give their $100 to any of the designers going shopping. Which is when the Indian girl snaps up everyone’s extra cash and really infuriates all by purchasing a bunch of incredibly expensive fabric. Daggers fly from designer eyes.

Runway time! Our guest judge is Lindsay Vonn. What?

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I get the very distinct feeling Heidi does not like Lindsay Vonn. Not one little bit. I also get the feeling Lindsay Vonn has not the first clue about fashion and is repeating things others are saying in her comments.

13-5 topTop three are Wart, Pono, and British Bill Rancic. Zac Posen is unconvinced about Wart’s look, but perhaps there isn’t another worth giving any real thought to so he approaches it with a “meh” eval. They all like Pono’s gown but it’s black, and black = boring. Heidi LOVES Bill Rancic’s fringe dress. For once Heidi and I agree, although I would have loved to see this in a different color. Bill wins.

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Bottom three are an overwrought dude with a major overbite, 50 Shades of Gray, and Blossom. All three of these designers had really bad assessments in the workroom and went back to Mood for more fabric; only 50 Shades ended up with something reasonably well-assembled, but… the devil horns. That is some wiiiiiiide cleavage. The other two dresses are catastrophically sewn, the fabric looks cheap, and in the case of Blossom’s green one the color choice – a second, utterly-failed attempt to select an attractive green – is just hideous. There are zippers in the wrong places, wonky seams, hacked-off hems… it’s a total failure. So the judges go bold and bounce two designers, Overbite and 50 Shades of Gray. I would have unloaded Blossom for sure, but it’s not like she’s going to last long anyway so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Next week: it’s a team challenge to create alternative wedding dresses, with Dita Von Teese as guest judge! Let the flimflam fly!

beautiful day

 

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“Listening Would Help.” 🍷 RHOC Season 9 Finale Recap

We had a wicked awesome storm on Monday night (summertime is storm time in Arizona, and we get really excited for a bigass thunderstorm!). Our power managed to stay on, but our cable did not, and thus I had to scramble and find a later broadcast of the season finale once Bravo was revived.

And what a finale it was: not. I’m tempted to post a .gif of Vic snoring. But I won’t because we’ve had enough of that this season, too.

Our Bali escapades over we have returned to the Golden State and find Tammy makin’ spaghettios in the kitchen for Eddie. ‘Cause she ain’t gonna eat that kinda carby stuff. And he is?

Anyway: Tammy tells Eddie that she’s “obsessing about Bali”. It seems that after the final dinner debacle Tammy hopped on another flight from the rest of the ladies, Lady Pump-style. However, unlike Lady Pump the fact that she did so did not become yet another attack point for this crew; it’s hard to tell if they even cared. Now Tammy is debating skipping Vic’s annual end-of-season party, as though she really has an option not to go. And like she’d miss it, either. She lives for this shiitake!

So Heather calls. Heather has not abandoned Team Tammy, and is perfectly resolved and satisfied as to the allegations that Tammy really doesn’t give a shit about her and only asked her to be a bridesmaid for television purposes because she “went to the source” and believes her “friend’s” assertions that it is all untrue. And also because she, too, is only friends with Tammy for television purposes and thus could not care less one way or another. Heather also understands that the point of this show in general and Tammy’s role in it specificially is to stir the pot, so she tells Tammy that on the cast flight home from Bali, Shannon was advising Vic to keep Tammy on the margins of her life. And we all know how possessive Tammy is of Vic!

Speaking of Vic, she’s at the Brown House racing around among the hired help arranging her Bali-themed end-of-season cast dinner in an Old Navy v-neck t-shirt and a very unfortunate pair of mom jeans. “We’ve got an hour till the bitches come!” she shrieks.

Lizzie, the giantess, is back at her own house teasing her wig into a suitably colossal arrangement to make her ample assets shrink by comparison as her sweet husband works on his wet look. I love Mr. Lizzie, really I do, I do not love his hockey hair. She does have one thing in common with Tammy – a hesitation about attending tonight’s affair – because she’s sure there will be no accountability for actions and a lot more meanness. See, she’s not just smart, she’s telepathic!

Heather and Dr. Terry are en route in their chauffeured SUV and Heather is trying to fire Dr. Terry up about Mr. Shannon’s mechanical bull “spread ‘em” comment. Dr. Terry is totally dismissive of Mr. Shannon, but that won’t last. Heather has decided Shannon is still her enemy because Shannon is trying to turn Vic against Tammy the same way Shannon was trying to turn Tammy against herself, Heather. Heather, Heather, Heather. A favor missed, really!

And so the arrivals begin. First on the scene is Donn2 who tries to get Vic out of her mom jeans for a pre-party quickie and fails. Vic tells him she’s upset with Tammy for not being on Team Donn2 but Donn2 is really unconcerned. He’s all about getting her out of the mom jeans and little else. (He loves those ladybits, you know. They are her best feature.) The Dubrows have to let themselves in while Vic changes into a Judy Jetson dress that has too many parts cut out and is hemmed distastefully short making her butt/thigh section into a horizontal rectangle, never good. Heather and Dr. Terry offer Vic compliments but she responds by saying she thinks she looks like a “vagina”. At least I think that’s what she said, and she kind of does, an albino one at least.

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Had it not been for that comment I would not have observed that Shannon looks a bit like labia, too. I love the pink and am okay with all the folds, so this is unfortunate timing. As soon as greetings are circulated Mr. Shannon immediately and sincerely apologizes for his crass “spread ‘em” comment to Heather when mounting the mechanical bull. We’re treated to a montage of the many crass comments made in relation to Heather and the mechanical bull, of which Eddie’s was equally crass if not worse, after which Heather and Dr. Terry dismiss the apology outright and rudely, giving Shannon and Mr. Shannon severe, ugly bad-smell looks instead. Sigh.

While cocktails are served, Shannon tells Donn2 about the “drama” in Bali, some of it over him, while Heather corners Vic and tells her not to second guess Tammy. Speak of the devil, here she is! Everyone is a lil’ freaked out. Maybe it’s the coal-black eyelids.

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Now that everyone has arrived, including Danielle who again has nothing to offer, Vic seats her guests and offers a toast to their “great time in Bali” which Tammy loudly interrupts with a sarcastic “oh, lovely!”. A discussion ensues about lingerie and cotton underpants before Donn2 excuses himself for the restroom and Tammy chases after. These two make up and again agree to agree that Vic’s happiness is all that matters. Whatever. It’ll break down again like a Yugo, mark my words.

Returning the table, Tammy inexplicably gifts them all with penis bottle openers and someone stupidly suggests they play a game. OH YES let’s play a game, like, hmmm, “Marry/Shag/Kill?” Oh, and now would be a great time, Tammy thinks, for Lizzie to apologize for her f-word comment related to the lasttime they played that stupid game! Lizzie exhales and offers an insincere apology for “whatever you think I said”, because she could not care less, as Dr. Terry confirms he did in fact hear the F word. Mr. Lizzie thinks none of this matters, but Tammy insists it does because Lizzie also said she wanted to F Eddie so she could “have Italian-Mexican babies” (Mexicalians!) and that really upset Tammy because as everyone knows she really wanted to have a real baby with Eddie and not have to engage in that bullshit with the robot. Mr. Lizzie rolls his eyes, as do I.

Next, Tammy decides to jump on Shannon about having talked to Vic on the plane about whether or not to stay friends with Tammy. Vic, the party in dispute, dismisses that anything Shannon had to say to her was anything significant or effective, but it’s Pile On Shannon (“POS”) Time so Heather jumps in to complain that Shannon was trying to turn Vic against Tammy the same way she tried to turn Tammy against Heather. SIGH.

Shannon takes a deep breath and calmly says she has apologized to Heather, that delicate flower, and asked for forgiveness for all the wrongs she may or may not have committed to harm or offend her. Heather continues to complain that Shannon is “pugilistic”. Shannon defends herself as having been backed into a corner by Tammy’s various acts and behaviors, causing Tammy to cry out “oh my God!” as though this is in any way untrue or resolved.

Which is when Dr. Terry goes bananas on Mr. Shannon about the “spread ‘em” comment. It’s been three months and they’ve seen each other multiple times in between, but dammit, Dr. Terry’s 80-year-old mother and four children’s collective ten virgin ears have been scarred! Mr. Shannon, Dr. Terry sneers, is nothing more than a “construction guy” and a “penis”. Also, a “douchebag”. Tammy snickers. Shannon, Mr. Shannon, and Mr. Lizzie are offended, so Dr. Terry follows it up with a snarl that Mr. Shannon’s very face is “sardonic and sarcastic”. Also, his wife is “pugilistic”. Heather offers to buy them a thesaurus for help defining these terms. Um, I think what you mean is a “dictionary”, Fancypants Smartass.

your face is SARDONIC! S-A-R-D-O-N-I-C!
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But then, a chorus of angels sing out and a light shines from the heavens on: Shannon. She has been changed by Bali. She will no longer scream. Also, she has gotten laid. She feels this is all behind, beyond, and beneath them. Heather meows about how “people still have scars”. Oh, shut up. Time for the slide show.

We’re done here with Shannon (who has learned family is most important and is downsizing and simplifying her life, and also sleeping with Mr. Shannon on a regular basis), Lizzie (who is going to “stay me” and have another baby, in a while), and Heather (who thinks they need to accept each other as they are, is going to be on another TV show, and is facing another year of construction on Chateau Dubrow). But the old bags need a little special attention, so let’s give it to them, shall we?

Ryan comes to see his mama, who is sitting at the kitchen counter fake crying while she looks at a small pile of papers in a file folder. See, Simon is being mean again and has taken her to court as an unfit parent. Ryan and his fiancee are moving “away” to some nonspecific non-OC destination, as evidenced by the mattresses strapped to the roof of his Yugo. Because where they are going, they don’t have mattresses. Also, Tammy is going to get that baby after all because she’s gonna be a GRANDMA! Hahahahahaha.

Speaking of grandmas, it’s time for Briana and family to finally hit the road for Oklahoma. It’s predictably a sobfest, with Vic wailing about how this Ryan is taking her family from her! She’s losing her best friend! Lady, suck it up. Off the Culbertsons go in their OKC-ready supercab pickup, Mercedes on flatbed tow behind. With that, Vic is off to sell insurance. And also the Brown House. She’s moving to the beach. More bikini shots to look forward to in Season 10! Whee!

“WAAAAAAAAH” (meanwhile look at that glee on Briana’s face. See ya, sucka!)
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So that is that. No doubt a three-part reunion to look forward to, yes? Until next week…

beautiful day

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“I Thought You Were Going To Propose There For a Second” 🍷 RHONY Season 6 Reunion Part 3 Recap

AND: we’re done. With a loud pfffftttt like the air going out of a balloon. I know three reunion episodes has become the norm but we really could have handled this in two, max. Normally I find the themes of each reunion episode can be spotted and organized but not so with this one. Mr. Andy is really scraping for content.

Item #1 is Radzi. She’s fun, she’s fabulous, she’s fifty years old.

Mr. Andy asks Aviva what the hell was the deal with her crack up in her pink attic about “at least I’m not 50!” Aviva insists she meant this as a compliment, because she actually thought Radzi was older, an assertion that makes no sense whatsoever. “She even makes a compliment into an insult!” Radzi observes. Mr. Andy next investigates the blossoming friendship between our two royals, Kountess Lu and Princess Radzi. Last season Radzi thought Carole was a one-upper and a fashion copyist; now they are fast friends with Lu even setting Radzi up on awkward blind dates. Ever eager to upset the apple cart, Aviva inserts herself into this happy-clappy moment and announces that Lu was pissed off at Carole and tried to dig up dirt on her – “I did, and I found something out, and I kept it to myself!” Lu chirps. “Oooh, tell me!” says Radzi.

Next, Mr. Andy turns to Holla the Mama Bear, and we revisit the cringeworthy moment at Kountess Lu’s barbecue when Holla kept trumpeting that Aviva “character assassinned” Radzi. Next we revisit the even more cringeworthy moment when Aviva asserts that she “took it up the butt” with Mama Holla. Back on set, there is an argument whether calling someone “motherfucker” is the same sort of dangerous labeling as calling someone an “alcoholic”. Clearly, when Holla called Aviva a “motherfucker” no one legitimately took that to believe that Aviva had, err, done that. Whereas So we still have questions about. There are so many options. Holla declares that Aviva was “climbing Carole’s back to get attention for her book”, to which Aviva responds that Holla’s “job was to be Carole’s bitch”. What’s wrong with that?

Lu tries to butt in here. “Kountess, Kountess, please,” Aviva rebuts, condescendingly. Isn’t she all up and opposed to condescension? Aviva, ever the lady, goes after Holla’s non-ladylike behavior, by crowing “you were not brought up, in the ghetto, girl! Holla!” followed by catchphrase #2: “This isn’t the hood, this is the Hamptons!” Clearly Aviva is looking for her own gif or t-shirt slogan and it isn’t catching on. Holla thinks Aviva is simply looking for a storyline, because ” all we ever talk about is your fucking leg!” BAM!

Mr. Andy wants to know why Mo felt it was so essential to get Holla and Aviva to make up when she couldn’t care less about making up with Kristen. Mo explains that she and Holla are “the roosters”, and the women listen to them, so if Holla pushes Aviva out it affects everyone whereas Kristen doesn’t matter. Except we all like Kristen better and want to see what she’s wearing, so it actually does. Mr. Andy next asks So how she can get over Aviva labeling her as a drunk, and am I wrong or is So a little cross-eyed? So announces triumphantly that it’s no problem for her because she’s so secure, and so busy all day long with real stuff, and because she’s a CHRISTIAN and knows about forgiveness. Loud hoots and chortles all around. Mr. Andy then asks Aviva what the hell she was thinking when she compared So to Anna Nicole Smith. Aviva insists she intended this too as a compliment, like “at least I’m not 50″. Because, you know, So also had the old man husband. “At least I am not 50 and a dead hot mess” = a compliment in Aviva’s World.

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Time to delve into the many personal troubles of the NY ‘Wives. Holla’s son Jax faces an uncertain future as a pediatric liver transplant patient, and they ended up doing a less invasive ear procedure which may not resolve his hearing loss, but Holla is an optimist and carries him along with her positive energy. It’s so effective, announces Mo, that Jax “doesn’t even realize he’s handicapped!” MEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!

Let’s drop that and pretend it didn’t happen. Kristen’s daughter is now walking. Avery was just being nasty to her painfully annoying mother because she was preparing to separate and leave the nest, not because she finds her mother painfully annoying. She sends Mo text photos now. I wonder if there are as many alcoholic drinks in those as there are on Avery Singer’s Instagram. (God, I dread the day my child gets on Instagram. At least I have only boys. Wait, maybe that will be worse. O Lord.) So says putting Millou’s remains to rest all over the sidewalks and innards of greater New York helped her “move forward”. How smelly that 18-year-old dog must have been.

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Mr. Andy asks Aviva about her visit to the barn which clearly released a few demons. Everyone agrees that they saw the “old Aviva” they knew and loved in that segment. So when Aviva released her inner demons and phobias, did she also let her inner nasty out of the box? Mo The Self-Proclaimed Voice Of Reason This Season turns to Aviva, takes her hands, and asks her whey she has this “vile side”. “She called me vile! She called me vile!” Aviva shouts, so Mo tries again and leaves the V word out. Aviva has no idea what she’s talking about. Mr. Andy’s wiggly eyebrows and contained giggles in the background are perfectly awesome.

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So speaking of people who are now on better terms, let’s talk SoMo for a bit. SoMo are giggling and fondling each other on the couch like two girls who think they are being cool kids for being so exclusive when really everyone cannot care less.

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Mo now feels it was wrong for her to talk about So’s problems with others, which is an apology So accepts. See, she keeps her private things private and pretends all is fairies and unicorns and if she believes it it will be REAL! Mr. Andy asks Kristen about her comment that SoMo is like her “crazy drunk aunts”. Kristen acknowledges this was a dig. Mo claims they are “contemporaries”. Oh, hahahaHA! Kristen points out that they are like crazy drunk aunts because they are (a) older, not contemporaries, (b) they are over in the corner giggling and picking nits out of each others’ hair while they speak their own language, and (c) inebriated, let’s face it. Mo announces that they want to be buried next to each other. Perhaps someone can dump their ashes into the Hudson River simultaneously, like Millou.

Finally, let’s talk about THE LEG. Mr. Andy shows this phenomenal moment again and everyone laughs hysterically. He asks whether Aviva came in intending to throw the leg and she claims she did not, which is totally bullshit and provokes even more laughter. Radzi points out that Aviva made great efforts to get everyone to sit down at the table together just so she could take it off and toss it. Lu announces she was grossed out by the dirty shoe on the table at Le Cirque. Kristen insists she totally forgot Aviva even had a fake leg, what with all the asthma fuss and whatnot, so it’s sudden arrival as a missile frightened her. Aviva explains that her attitude was “fuck this shit”, repeating it five or six times. LADY. She has been allowed to return to Le Cirque.

So what have we learned? Mo has learned she can’t expect people to act as she would want them to and has to accept that some people like KRISTEN hold a grudge rather than move on without a care after having glasses thrown in their face. Kristen has learned the art of communication. Holla, the importance of friends. So now knows that Lu is more sensitive than she realized. Lu had a lot of fun and likes her downgrade. Aviva has learned it’s important to support each other as women. And Radzi has learned that some people will have her back, others who you suspect will kick you, will, and that it’s not good to get her mad.

And so it ends. Will we see any of these ridiculous women again? With the end of every season I foresee a major cast change, and this year the “rumors” (Mo, ahem) are claiming they are all out except MO, the queen bee in her own mind, and maybe Aviva for guest appearances. RIGHT. If that’s true then I bet they all come back. This franchise is in need of Tru Renewal, that’s for sure.

beautiful day

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“You Have a Monkey Imprint On Your Butt” 🍷 RHOC Season 9 Episode 17 Recap

OHMIWORD next week is the season finale? Can it really be? RHONY wraps up tonight and we’re just one episode and three (presumably) reunions until we can tie this one up, too. I feel so liberated! Of course another cannot be far behind, because where one Housewives door closes a window opens, but all the same I am tired of these broads and their petty disputes. Especially Tammy! LAWD she needs to go back to her regular life (although I hear from my Ladera friends that she is universally hated) and leave us alone. For some reason these days every time I see Tammy Judge I think “Sarah Palin”. Don’t know why but that’s the truth.

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So back to Bali and The Morning After Tammy And Vic Were In Bed. Tammy and Vic are waiting in the lobby when perky Heather rolls up. Tammy gives her The Look through The Sunglasses that she refuses to remove. Heather asks her what her deal is and Tammy barks that she’s mad at Heather for “stirring up shit”. Heather doesn’t understand how she could be “stirring up shit” if the person she was speaking to (regarding whether or not Tammy made catty cracks about Lizzie’s birthday suit) was Tammy herself. However, Ol’ Wise One Heather knows that one has to “empirically agree” with Tammy to get along so that’s what she does and says she’s sorry. Tammy is continuing to insist that Lizzie said Eddie wanted to fork her, specifically with the “F” word, and Heather concurs to the camera that she and Dr. Terry did in fact hear Lizzie use that crass word. Tammy is gearing up to unleash the hounds on Lizzie so consider ourselves warned, yes?

Shannon, Lizzie, and Danielle roll up in workout gear, because they are heading out on a walking tour of temples and monkeys. Heather, Vic, and Tammy are wearing regular clothes out of respect for the religious nature of the temples. However, once arrived this doesn’t stop Vic from desecrating the temples by opening doors she isn’t privileged to open and generally suggesting there are corpses and other rotting stuff in there. Plus the tour guides put them all in sarongs anyway, so all’s well that started in booty shorts.

Enough of that, the gals are ready to shop, shop, shop (Lizzie, Danielle, and Shannon having mysteriously changed costumes) and head off to an open-air market to gather tschotchkes for the folks back home and rip off a bunch of hardworking Indonesians if Vic is going to have her way about it. Suddenly, they stumble upon a fish pedicure station! And apparently none of them watched the RHONY trip to St. Barths because Heather, Tammy, Shannon, and Lizzie hop right in as Vic runs away in terror. Tammy, with the ickiest feet, has the largest school of fish nibbling away at her wonky toes, while Shannon, who is terrified of fish as we know, shrieks and howls like she accidentally sat on an activated Kandi Koated sex toy and it went in the back door. “OH MY GOD!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” yowls Shannon. I love Vacation Shannon!

Next, they are off to see the monkeys, because no tour of Bali is complete without feeding the monkeys. Surprisingly, Heather and Shannon, of all people, are the most DTFM (down to feed monkeys), allowing them to scamper up and down their lithe underfed figures and even touch their hair.

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Vic lumbers around like a creaky old lady and she and Tammy want nothing to do with the monkeys, leaving the rest of the gals behind in search of a porta-potty. “I just got rid of my crabs, I don’t need any more fleas,” Tammy protests. Ever so classy. She does anal, too.

The next day is small-group day. Heather and Tammy show up at the pool in bikinis, Heather actually displaying hers for a change (red), before immediately leaving to go ride bikes in different outfits. They visit a rice paddy and eat some icky Indonesian fruit. Shannon and Vic head to the hotel spa for a true Balinese holistic experience involving heat, ice, aromatherapy, crystal facials, and Vic in a horrid, enormous yellow bikini. She is not pulling this off and someone should tell her out of kindness.

Lizzie and Danielle, the rejects, are left behind to sit in the pool and gossip some more. Lizzie doesn’t get why Tammy is mad because Lizzie doesn’t want to fork, shag, or marry Eddie whether or not he wants to do any or all of those things with her. He’s too short, for one thing. Shannon and Vic return from the spa and they have a summit over Tammy and her misdeeds in the cabana.

Lizzie and Danielle know exactly how to kick this off and align their team, apologizing to Shannon in front of Vic for having a mistaken impression of her because of all the awful things Tammy said about her (she needs a colonic; she is a martian; she needs either church or an exorcism, much of this confirmed in a montage). Oh, and by the way, Vic, she’s also talking shiitake about you and Donn2. That’s the magic finger they just pulled, you know, and Vic’s off crying and meowing about how she trusted Tammy again and now here she’s saying her man is icky, still. Well, he is! That’s the last straw for Shannon who doesn’t let anyone kick her friends: she’s going to “take care of it” with Tammy.

Dinner that night is a special Balinese event featuring male dancers chanting “Chaka Khan”.

Heather and Tammy got waylaid while bicycling and run in late, catching the last few moments in their fitness gear before racing upstairs to change for dinner. You get the distinct feeling the rest of the broads were doing just fine without them, confirmed at dinner when Vic spends the entire meal giving Tammy, her newfound nemesis, The Hairy Eyeball.

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Before that, however, Shannon takes a page from the Lizzie book and starts off dinner by thanking Heather for bringing her on the trip and telling her how much she has enjoyed their time together. Maybe they can be friends after all! Well now that you say that, Shannon, Heather is going to apologize for repeating the story about The Email. She didn’t do so in malice (TAMMY) and had no intent to hurt her. Shannon accepts this apology. Heather also tells her that Dr. Terry is pissed at Mr. Shannon for saying Heather ought to spread her legs – spread ‘em WIDE – when she was mounting the mechanical bull at the forever-ago hoedown homesite christening. Shannon agrees he was drunk and inappropriate and says she’ll have a word with him. This is all so civilized!

Finally, Tammy goes to the bathroom, alone because Vic won’t go with her. Heather instantly asks Vic what’s wrong and Vic tells her she’s just found out how two-faced Tammy is about her relationship with Donn2. Heather tells her to take a deep breath, and she does, and Shannon does too, because when Tammy returns to the table Shannon tells her she needs Tammy to explain her comment about Shannon being a martian. And all that other stuff, too.

Tammy, who has been to this rodeo a time or two, demands to know who told her that stuff. Lizzie and Danielle, of course! Vic? (Vic is furiously shaking her head in terror.) No, not Vic. She just heard the stuff from Lizzie and Danielle. AHA! crows Tammy! Caught red-handed trying to take the heat off herself for saying Eddie wanted to fork her by saying Tammy said bad stuff, too! Oh, and PS we all have been saying you have a drinking problem so you can’t blame me for that one, Shannon. Lizzie is continuing to deny that she ever used the “F” word. Heather quietly points out that she heard it, too. Meep!

The bottom line for Shannon, martians, colonics, exorcisms aside, is that Tammy betrayed her. And after Shannon handled the betrayal graciously, Tammy followed it up by publicly announcing she was lying about the “taking the Beadors down” comment and refusing to acknowledge she was the person who told her such a comment had been made in the first place. VROOM goes the bus. Lizzie tells Tammy she’s crap and the most insecure woman she’s ever known, which causes Tammy to storm off, running away barefoot and shrieking they will never see her face again! Promise? Please? We’ve been good!

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This all, of course, causes Vic to melt down in tears and hot butter. She’s lost Tammy AGAIN! Heather is dumbfounded by what’s happened so the girls catch her up and tell her, by the way, that Tammy also said Heather is anorexic and they are really just fake friends and having Heather as a bridesmaid was just for show. You don’t say! That’s enough for Heather, who decides Tammy is either the worst person ever or this is all contrived, so she goes off to find the fleer and see what’s what. “The only thing that’s happened tonight is I’ve lost a friend!” wails Vic. You should hope she stays lost is what I say. Although that doesn’t mean I don’t think Donn2 is gross because I do.

Heather finds Tammy in her bed fully clothed and hoping someone was going to come beg her to come back. Tammy insists she never, ever said Heather was anorexic or a fake friend, and she really loves her! And Shannon has problems in life so she’s lashing out! And it’s all that big fat cow Lizzie’s fault! She takes this much truth and twists it. And why’s it so bad if she still doesn’t dig Donn2 because not meddling in Vic’s sordid relationship doesn’t mean she has to actually like him! Time to go home, folks.

Next time: Ryan and Briana are finally fleeing their respective coops. Vic has her annual season-end Brown House party and Dr. Terry confronts Mr. Shannon. And I am sure more stuff will happen and it will end with a big pffffffttttttt.

beautiful day

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Cheesy Chicken Salad Pita Pockets 🍴 The Lunch Rush

Today is Big and Medium’s first full day of school (they actually went back Tuesday for a half day and had early release yesterday). YES I KNOW. No one has been able to explain why Arizona goes back to school so early, but I have concluded it is to get a complete semester in before the Christmas break, rather than taking two weeks off for the holidays before resuming to wrap it up. It’s not like it makes any difference weather-wise; HOT is HOT whether it’s June or August. So back to school we are. I’m sad that this summer raced by, but relieved to be back to a predictable, regular schedule. I’ve been like a crabby napless toddler for the last ten weeks.

Yesterday was the first day back into the lunchtime grind, and we batted .500 for lunchbox returns because Medium accidentally brought a classmate’s home; said classmate’s mother clearly also bought a new lunchbox at Costco. I’m glad I have backup options from other lunchpacking kits I’ve tried in previous years. Last year I bought two of these Arctic Zone Ultra lunchboxes from Costco, and only had to trash Medium’s and start over this year – winning!

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I’ve tried Pack-It and Easy Lunchboxes and Lands’ End lunchbags in the past, but these work best for me in the departments of cleanability (I have even thrown them in the washing machine), durability, and logistics. As long as Costco keeps carrying them I will keep buying them.

Packing a lunch my kids will actually consume is a bit of an ordeal. Medium needs to calorie-load to put weight on, and is averse to nearly all sandwiches. Big is a more cooperative eater but for whatever reason doesn’t like yogurt tubes and ignores any fruit included in his lunch. He likes applesauce, but turns up his nose at store-bought pouches in favor of homemade (which, thankfully, is terribly easy to accomplish in my pressure cooker and pack up into some handy reusable pouches I picked up last year – more on that another time). It’s flattering, but also slightly annoying (I love you so much I want you to work harder to satisfy me, Mom!). Especially because Medium loves that yogurt and claims to hate applesauce. Foiled again!

I am not going to go all Pinterest-a-doodle and start making lunchbox dioramas depicting scenes from The Hobbit, but I am seeking some new inspiration and will dutifully share with you things that find success as the school year rolls along.

To wit: today in Big’s lunch he was served a variation on Crispy Chicken Salad Wraps from the America’s Test Kitchen cookbook The Best Simple Recipes.

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I whipped up the wraps for dinner on Sunday and they were a big hit all around the table; Big loved them so that he’s asked for that as lunch all week. Since I’m not serving lunch straight from the skillet I came up with a portable variation using pita pockets. Your kid might like it too – give it a go!

Cheesy Chicken Salad Pita Pockets

2 chicken breasts
1/3 c. mayo, or to taste (I like olive oil-based mayo, personally)
1/3 c. plain greek yogurt, or to taste
dash hot sauce
2 stalks celery, thinly sliced
2 scallions, thinly sliced
1/3 c. cilantro, chopped
salt and pepper to taste
cheddar cheese, sliced or shredded
whole wheat pitas

Poach the chicken breasts using whatever means necessary. (I pressure cook frozen chicken breasts for 15 minutes on high to get a nice batch of shredded chicken that I can put to use in a multitude of ways.) Blend the mayo, yogurt, hot sauce, celery, scallions, and cilantro in a bowl, then mix in chicken until nicely coated. Put a slice of cheddar in a half of a pita, then stuff with chicken salad. I find it’s easier to stuff the pita without tearing it if you warm it up in the microwave for 15-30 seconds first. Wrap the pita in a sheet of wax paper folded into a pocket and secure with a little bit of tape (washi, if you are looking for colorful presentation). I sent my kid off with instruction to put the whole packet into the school microwave for 30-45 seconds to just get the cheese melty. Makes enough for four pitas or thereabouts.

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“Our Life Is A Series Of Unpleasant Business”🍷RHONY Season 6 Reunion Part 2 Recap

Let’s just skip ahead to part deux of this reunion, shall we? We pick things up with a montage of the various ‘Wives staff followed by yet another explanation as to what So’s “interns” do and what educational institutions actually give them what sort of credit for doing it. I feel like we’ve covered this at every reunion since So joined the cast and it makes less and less sense every year – you’d think the registrar would have caught on by now, right? Although I would definitely give fashion credit to whoever convinced Mo to lay off the electric blue satin this season.

Next it’s back to #Bookgate, which is now officially #hashtagged. Aviva starts off by asserting that Truman Capote actually ghostwrote “To Kill A Mockingbird” for Harper Lee, which appalls all assembled on the left couch and me at home on mine. Mr. Andy tries to settle this matter by pointing out to Aviva that making assertions like that – about Ms. Lee or Ms. Radzi – has the potential to slander the author’s career and hurt their livelihood. Radzi, of course, being a widow who needs to support herself, and Aviva, the amateur author, fully set to pursue basket weaving, professional mud wrestling, or a career in life coaching with her hedge-fund husband covering the bills. Aviva barks a whole lot about how it’s all Radzi’s fault for protesting too much and making it a “thing”. Mo, of all people, steps in and tells Aviva that it all boils down to one simple thing: if you hear something negative, don’t repeat it! Aviva insists it’s all Radzi’s fault for asking her if she hired a ghostwriter; why shouldn’t Aviva ask the same? Radzi brought it up! {sigh}. Aviva also attempts to suggest that Radzi’s just bitchy because the book hasn’t sold well. I can’t figure out if it has or if it hasn’t, but I did consider downloading the audiobook for my recent road trip with my mom; we got the Nora Ephron one about her neck instead, which was fine. The Big Mama related.

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Next topic: this season’s vacations. First, the Berkshires. Mo tries to backtrack a bit on the bashing she gave Holla’s exquisite 26 acre getaway-in-progress by saying she spoke poorly because it just wasn’t what she anticipated to glorify those 26 acres. A discussion of beach versus mountains ensues, in which Lu announces she’d much prefer Holla’s “cozy” house in the Berkshires over the giant, empty, staff less houses she is forced to frequent in the Hamptons. Next Mr. Andy asks about Mo’s breakdown over the mud pies. Radzi shares that she had to restrain herself from laughing out loud over Mo’s “Deliverance” episode. Mo insists that she felt totally uncomfortable when Kristen wouldn’t make eye contact with her after Mo assaulted her with the wine glass so she felt she had to leave. Lu doesn’t understand why Mo bothered coming in the first place, and Radzi doesn’t get get why episodes from Mo’s childhood “three states over and fifty years ago” would cause such a violent mental breakdown. So doesn’t understand why Mo didn’t take her with, and Mo insists it was a kindness to “the group” not to totally disrupt the weekend by taking the giggle away with the shit.

Brief discussion about Saratoga, which I really had forgotten, before moving on to Montana. Kristen talks about what a terrifying experience rappelling was and how she had to prove to herself that she can take on challenges just like Holla. More unpleasantness between Lu and So; Lu is very hurt that So has totally blown her off as a friend and So doesn’t see what the big deal is because she regularly goes two years without talking to people and they don’t seem to care. Oh, AND she doesn’t read her own e-mail and has a homeless girl in Ireland handling her SEO which is why she didn’t tweet support about Lu’s dress line on HSN on whatever when Lu asked. How does a homeless girl get wifi?

Now the big topic: MEN. Most importantly, MARIO, who has been scratching his itchy pickle in the alley of late. Mr. Andy notes that after the season ended with little seen of the formerly-near-Simon-omnipresent Mario, Mo had filed for divorce, then called it off, and asks how things are now. All Mo will say is “everyone is doing really well – we’re together – our daughter Avery is nineteen – and I won’t discuss it.” ZIP. Throw away the key and give the brain freezing stare. Mr. Andy tries to change tasks by asking what Mo “learned” from the whole experience. Mo learns nothing, we know that! “Something every day,” she coos, before demanding to know who Mr. Andy is off to have sex with after taping is over. He retorts that once he goes on a reality show about his life that will be relevant business.

Lu pops up again and announces that she finds this all a little droll given Mo’s many past insinuations, or more direct accusations, about cheating in Lu’s marriage. Mo barks back at Lu that she’s been chasing after So’s boyfriends, which makes Lu roll her eyes theatrically. I wouldn’t be sloppy seconds after So, either, I might catch something. Holla says she’s found Mo’s behavior this season appalling, that what she’s been going through is no excuse, and that she was particularly offended by the crappy things Mo said about Holla’s devoted, faithful, lapdog of a husband. Mr. Andy finally asks whether watching the season has been painful for Mo. Not at all, she’s fine! Mr. Andy is seething.

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So let’s turn to Kristen who’s a much more open sort, shall we? She shares that watching her marriage on TV has been painful but therapeutic, and has helped them really see where they are as a couple and resolve to work on their challenges. Aviva piles on with a crack about whether all married couples argue like the Taekmans. No, not ALL, but many divorce over less so let’s just respect the fact that they are using it as constructive information, you bitch. Oh, and yes those are new boobs – nine-year anniversary gift. They actually look natural and are modestly proportioned.

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Next Mr. Andy asks Lu about Pepe and their breakup. As she’s said before, they want different things and are still friends. A viewer wants to know whether she dumped him for stealing her hairstyle. Ha! Moving on to: Harry Pickle. Aviva is sad because she wanted So and Harry Pickle together. So is still pissed at Lu for getting in a taxi with Harry Pickle (and the Hollas) after Radzi’s party even though it’s really Harry in the wrong for leaving without her. Always easier to focus on the one you don’t love, right? Lu announces that Harry still calls her today, that her friendship with So is dead under a bus, and that she thinks that Mo is a hurtful, nasty person and karma is a bitch. Zoinks!

My favorite part of this whole episode was the commercial break when So tried to interest Mr. Andy in her reviews for her slapstick showgirl thing or whatever it is and he kept pretending he was paying attention while dialed in on his phone. That is what I would expect sex between So and Mr. Andy to sound like.

Next time: Aviva goes after Holla for being too street; Kristen goes after Mo for the wineglass incident; Aviva goes after Radzi for being 50 (?); and So announces that unlike Aviva, who is Jewish, she practices “Christian forgiveness”. MEEP!

beautiful day

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“We Need To Get Muumuus”🍷RHOC Season 9 Episode 16 Recap

I’m back from two blissful, Bravo-free weeks, and what did I miss? Looks like several questionable fashion choices and Tammy’s possible firing. (Whether that will really come to pass will remain to be seen and depend in no small part on their other options. But we can hope.) At this point we’re apparently going to Bali on a “girls’ trip” to get some “peaceful, spiritual cleansing” which is entirely unlikely to happen.

The most spiritual-y, cleanse-y one in this bunch, Shannon, is far more panicked by the prospect of being on camera in a bikini than traveling in a small entourage with Heather. They must have learned to live together or at least learned to ignore each other while I was in the woods. Tammy, however, is nervous about being with Lizzie. Lizzie? Does she fear being asphyxiated during an overeager embrace? Lizzie tells Mr. Lizzie that all these broads are two-faced and this trip could get crazy. He is eating chips in bed and has a “you don’t say?” look on his face that tells me he is counting down the minutes until his wife takes flight. Vic is wearing a horrid leopard print blouse and demanding that her barebones staff get a satellite launched over Bali so she has internet.

And away they go for the 22-hour trip across the world to Bali. Vic rolls in wearing a black-and-white stripe strapless maxi that looks like the Shamu maternity dress from the Kim K Kollection.

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Oh, and Danielle is going. You know, the silent, angry one with the gay husband. She’s referenced as a “friend of Lizzie” who is barely a Housewife herself, and seems pissy about this whole excursion. She should be grateful she’s getting a free trip out of the deal and minimal disreputation.

We disembark in Bali to be greeted with monkeys and oppressive heat, which most affects the monopausal brigade of Vic and Tammy. Tammy is slightly horrified that Bali is more Tijuana than Bora Bora, and gasps to see entire families perched atop Vespas careening through traffic. Maybe Bali is just… southeast Asia? Culture can be bewildering for simple people.

I am terribly disappointed to see that the ‘Wives have been booked at a huge resort hotel. I was sort of hoping for something a little more authentic – this place looks a lot like the giant hotel the RHONJ crowd went to in the Dominican Republic. In other words, a bit interchangeable. Could be Vegas! Or an Indian casino somewhere on a coast. But it seems lovely, and well-suited for culturally-clueless folk like these. After 22+ hours of travel these broads are terribly jet-lagged, and after a quick dinner with a black-and-white dress scheme for all and Heather’s presentation of authentic Balinese headdresses, which no one appreciates, they all go to bed. They are all terribly bored with each other and Danielle is staring at her phone silently willing it to ring, or something distracting like that.

Danielle looks like she is sending death rays
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Morning dawns and they meet up on the beach, and holy hell Vic is wearing a giant pink bikini and print cover up pants with her belly hanging over the waistband. My eyes, my eyes! She and Shannon get some 8 a.m. cocktails and head out kayaking, which predictably results in Vic swamping the boat and both losing their drinks. Meanwhile, everyone else has rounded up in the hotel pool (unfortunate glimpse of the cellulite on the front of Tammy’s thigh there) to talk about their missing comrades. Lizzie and Danielle, specifically, are irked with Vic for calling them “Dumb & Dumber”. Danielle is offended, Lizzie just was hurt that Vic was complaining about having to hang out with them. We get a gratuitous shot of Vic’s saggy pink ass galumphing up the beach.

Next we are going to ride elephants. They have to ride a short bus to get there and Vic does not want to ride in the back, so graphically feigns carsickness until they finally pull over to let her sit up front in the grandma seat, at which point they are nearly confronted by a non-rabies-vaccinated dog which results in shrieking. I’m tired already. But now we get to terrorize poor elephants! The Housewives mount two-by-two, and Vic goes positively berserk, screaming at every turn and trying to get on top of Heather so she doesn’t have to touch the elephant’s skin. As if the balance of weight isn’t already thrown way off for this poor animal. Lizzie and Shannon are riding together so they can whisper about Vic and Tammy behind their backs all the way along. Speaking of Vic, she so turns on the male elephant that he gets a boner, or half of one, at least.

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Night falls and dinner is on the patio. After a discussion of whether an itchy butt means good luck (or: poor hygiene?), things disintegrate into Dumb & Dumber. I think Danielle, who hasn’t spoken a word otherwise, brought it up, but Lizzie runs with it, whining about how Tammy didn’t call until super-late to say she wasn’t coming to her birthday party, and that she snarked about her dress to Danielle and said her ladybits were showing, and never texted the next day to say she was sorry, it all was just not nice. Tammy defends herself claiming she was texting Lizzie all night during the party and that LIZZIE was the one talking about her ladybits hanging out. The old broads finally have had enough and leave for their rooms, at which point Heather helpfully reminds Tammy that actually, she did say nasty things about Lizzie’s “dress” (which, in flashback, appears to either be a negligee or a pantless ice-skating costume). Tammy is now FUMING and turns on her heel on Heather, dragging Vic back to her room for a drink ALONE.

The new gals left behind – Lizzie, Danielle, and Shannon – are left to compare notes about how awful Vic n’ Tammy are. Lizzie tells the girls that she was so hurt by their behavior relative to her birthday fiasco that she got ugly drunk on Mr. Lizzie, snarling about how he can’t get it up. Ohmiword. You were lucky if that got edited out the first round but it’s coming back to get you now, girl. They also tell Shannon that Tammy has by this time told everyone – everyone! – the contents of The Email, and that she says Shannon needs an exorcism and is a green martian behind her back. This may be the last straw for Shannon. Buckle up.

In what I hope is Vic’s room so she can pee in her own bed this time, Vic and Tammy are having drinks in their PJs and Tammy tells Vic her version of what happened when they very unwisely played “Marry, Shag, Kill” at Heather’s Valentine’s Day party which Vic did not attend. (The new gals are discussing the very same thing out by the pool.) In Lizzie’s version, Eddie said he wanted to “marry” her, but in Tammy’s, he said he wanted to “shag” her, and afterward Lizzie leaned into her ear and snarled that Tammy was just jealous of her because Eddie wanted to fork her. Who knows what happened because this apparently didn’t get filmed, but Tammy’s usually the loosest with the truth so I am going with Lizzie’s version. And also: playing that game among married couples was just marginally more stupid than playing truth or dare, but at least better than if they’d all tossed their keys into a bowl. Although THAT would have made for a far more exciting trip to Bali than this is turning out to be. The fact that this pack of fools can make Bali lame speaks volumes.

Next time: Production unleashes the wild monkeys, Vic and Tammy have a friendship breakdown, and Tammy and Lizzie fight about the “Marry, Shag, Kill” game which results in Tammy running away shoeless and screaming.

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This, friends, officially holds the record as the lamest episode of ‘Housewives, ever.

beautiful day

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“I Naturally Will Be Evil” 🍷 RHONY Season 6 Episode 19 Recap

We’re fizzling to an end, people! One more episode left in which we will finally see what made Aviva drop her leg. Was it a weapon, or more like a threatened iguana dropping its tail? We shall see… or actually not really “we” because I will not. Off to the lake we go! Bravo-free for two weeks; hope our own drama fails to measure up.

Anyway: we rejoin our Manhattanites in action with Holla in conference with Radzi’s two assistants – they have multiplied! – planning Radzi’s 50th birthday extravaganza while she is in the UK on her book tour. And oh, the extravaganza it will be. The theme is “Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil” which no one explains was a 1994 bestseller about a murder trial in Savannah, Georgia and all its accompanying social intrigue.

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Maybe you knew that and even read the book – I did – but if not, I imagine you got a decent case of “what the hell is going on here?” from the planning. Which involves: snake charming, glossy red apples, butterflies, and a man walking an invisible dog. Radzi has very specific requests about all the details except the food and drink which she leaves to Holla because “food’s not her thing”, which should be obvious by looking at her. Whereas looking at me, one immediately thinks yes, food is her thing. I note that this is a Holla production. NOT a Sonja In The City production. Sniff sniff.

Speaking of So, she and Harry Pickle are at a fancy pet store looking at a puppy. See, they are considering getting “more committed”, and So thinks getting a puppy will at least buy her 18 years. What dog lives 18 years? If that’s how old Millou was I can only imagine the smell. This is all oh-so-believable, isn’t it? Us Weekly doesn’t think so.

Whatever. Speaking of commitments, the Taekmans are visiting a therapist. Mr. Kristen is willing to go because he is 100% certain this person is going to tell Kristen that Mr. Kristen is 100% right about everything and to back off. This place doesn’t look like a law office, it looks like a “coworking” office where people pay to use the receptionist and have a pretend office to meet in when they see clients. Therapist guy ushers them to an empty, clinical workspace and tells them The Doctor Is In. Kristen and Mr. Kristen offer their complaints (she: he never puts her or their kids before work; he: she is “anxiety ridden about minutia”). The Doctor advises them that they need to talk to each other in more productive ways, such as using “I” rather than “you” statements, not interrupting, not being accusatory, and not labeling. The Taekmans feel much better. Damn, this was easy!

Aviva takes a Boston Marathon bombing survivor to her prosthetic clinic to get a new leg made, free of charge. Which is all wonderful, and the best part is this is all we see of Aviva all night.

It’s finally time for Avery Singer to go to college, even though she actually left weeks ago and we’re just editing this in now to wrap things up with a bow. Avery has a hissy fit about packing and Mo has a on-the-bed-in-Morocco-style meltdown when it’s actually time to drive off to the airport. “Don’t give me those eyes,” says Avery, on behalf of us all. Goodbye and good luck, Avery Singer.

So goes out to dinner with her “mystic”, a gay dude in a tweed jacket armed with tarot cards. He predicts that her cash balance will increase, her home will be “balanced”, and there’s a brunette woman devil in her inner circle. So cannot imagine who that might be! Radzi? Lu? Is Holla a brunette or not? On the fence.

Party time! Holla looked a little flummoxed by details in the afternoon, but as Radzi says that girl can get shit done and in the end she does, other than neglecting altogether to order water and killing the butterflies instantly. Oh, and no snake because it violates health code and the city wouldn’t issue a snake permit. Apparently guests were directed to dress either chic in black as Evil (Kristen, Mo, Lu) or dowdy and dumpy in white as (Good) Holla, So). The birthday girl herself will wear red!

I ♡ Madonna too
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So first things first: no Pepe to be seen because he and Lu have broken up. She’s shattered about it which doesn’t impress SoMo. Mo thinks “time apart” is a wussy excuse, and So is pissed off that Lu never told her they were having problems. Because that hurts So! And besides, she told Lu in the first place he wasn’t a forever guy anyway, so if she’s upset it’s her own damn fault for not listening to her drunken blather.

So at this point is an expert about men, not only because she’s slept with half the city but because she and Harry Pickle are Getting Serious. So serious that he tells her he really wants to be with her, not just horizontally, and presents her with a “promise ring”; a large cocktail ring that we barely catch a glimpse of before it disappears and certainly no price tag posted. This is extremely unusual for pricey gifts on Housewives – normally we get a lingering closeup, specs (carats, clarity, etc.) and a very prominent PRICE. Not so here. Somehow I feel like So picked this up off HSN years ago, shined up the band with a silver Sharpie, and gave it to Harry Pickle to ceremoniously present to her on camera.

And not only do we not get a good look at it at this point, but we never see it again. SoMo huddle in a dark corner so So can call attention to Mo’s large engagement ring (important since by now rumors were rampant that Mario had spent his summer getting itchy pickle in the Hamptons) and then tell Mo about The Promise Ring which she immediately stuffed into her Sharpie-enhanced purse. Mo thinks this is a bad sign. An even worse sign is that Harry Pickle, across the room flirting with his other former lover Kountess Lu, disappears without So. With Lu? Find out next time on As The Leg Hurls!

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P.S. no finale recap next week. Sorry. I’ll make it up to you, I swear.

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“I Hate Getting Gas and I Hate Going Potty”🍷RHOC Season 9 Episode 13 Recap

More, more, MORE IScreamYouScreamGate! Enough, people! Lawd. Once upon a time this show was about people being silly and over the top nouveau fabulous, but then Teresa flipped the table and they cranked up NeNe and the ugly took hold. Speaking of Teresa, I will probably pick up RHONJ in a few weeks once RHONY is over. We’ll be in a Bravo-free wilderness the next two weeks so no recaps and RHONY is going to fizzle to an end without me. We’ll see where things are then. I will say, I did find the premiere to be a nice change-up. Juicy Joe’s Napoleonic speech to the greater Guidice family from his perch on high was a treat.

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Anyway. We’re all back from Mexico, and the Dubrows are meeting Vic and Donn2, who has returned from exile, for sushi. Dr. Terry asks how their trip was and whether Shannon told them the story about their “kooky” confrontation. Oh yes, says Vic, and what Vic heard was that Heather told “the world” about The Email, that she had evil in her eyes, and kicked Shannon out of her house. Heather is aghast and she and Vic go around a bit about whether Heather would remove someone from her house without a reason, whether she was really yelled at by Shannon at the Christmas party or just subjected to a “raised voice”, and whether Vic is a real friend talking about Heather behind her back like this.

Heather and Dr. Terry clarify to Vic and Donn2 that (a) Shannon was welcomed with a hug, (b) and a drink, (c) there was sitting on the couch, and (d) Heather only asked her to leave when things got heated (by Heather, I should point out) and her little girls were getting wind of it. Which is all essentially true, but it’s equally true that Heather was NOT nice to Shannon and whatever pain she’s been suffering in the ears from Shannon’s holiday party volume challenges I think she can live with whereas Shannon really was and is struggling, and if Heather wants to move on with future interactions on the quieter side she needs to get off her indignity camel. Vic agrees and tells Heather to have some compassion and be nice. Heather continues to insist her niceness or lack thereof isn’t the problem, but I think we all agree she’s wrong about that. But it’s hard being the most important person in the world and having people not see it.

At home with the Beadors, it’s pre-dinner cocktail hour and Mr. Shannon is eating chips and salsa again, but without getting yelled at. Progress! It seems Miney has a school field trip to Italy (?!) for Latin class (?!?) coming up, and Mr. Shannon is going to chaperone because he is such a dedicated father. I hope Shannon realizes she got the best one in this whole Housewife franchise and quits to keep this marriage alive. Also hope she finds appropriate arch-supportive shoes as carefully described on the school packing list.

Lizzie and Mr. Lizzie are renovating her family’s - daddy’s – beach house because it’s trapped in the 90′s, and she thinks this is a great time to host a dinner party for the gang there, unclear whether she expects to do this before or after the renovations are complete. Mr. Lizzie is cute except for the perpetually sweaty hair. He’s a better wife than she is, too.

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Vic’s at work, because she’s a big worker, y’all. Such a big worker that she can’t be bothered to take time to pee all day long. Not good for the bladder, Vic. When you start peeing yourself you’ll regret it. Tammy has stopped by so Vic can warn her that tonight’s party (wow, that renovation was quick) is sure to be a shitshow and she better buckle up and prepare for professional finger pointing.

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So: party time. Mr. Lizzie has planned every detail from flowers to linens to placecards and seating arrangements meticulously, even acquiring a bottle of Fireball to keep things light. Lizzie flits around uselessly while Mr. Lizzie fusses and fluffs. I have to say, there’s something suspiciously mantastic about her that Mr. Lizzie’s intense wifeliness just further emphasizes by comparison. Weird.

The Beadors are en route and Shannon is not excited. In fact, she’s wound tight as a tick in dread of seeing Heather for the first time since being evicted from the Dubrental. Further, it seems Tammy has told both Shannon and Mr. Shannon, multiple times, that Dr. Terry was planning to “take them down“. The Beadors have no idea what that means and neither do it but it sounds ominous.

Arrivals begin and guests have to navigate down two flights of slippery stairs for cocktails, which Heather miraculously manages to survive despite being dressed in the tightest white pants known to man. Awkward shunning ensues when the ladies – all but Vic – gather up on the deck, but things lighten up with a tiki dancing and flame-eating performance. Is it just me or does the flame eater look a bit like Slimey Slade from a distance? Gotta pay the bills!

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Enough of that. Vic and Donn2 arrive super late, missing the flame eating and coconut shaking altogether, and Donn2 makes awkwardly nice with Tammy, his nemesis. Tammy should be everyone’s nemesis at this point, starting with Shannon, who takes her aside to get her to confirm on camera that Dr. Terry has told her he wants to “take the Beadors down” and that she in turn has told Shannon and Mr. Shannon this several times. Tammy, predictably, acts completely bewildered and denies any and all of it. Right. Tammy has said over and over again this summer that her job on this show is to bring the drama, so here it is. Since Tammy won’t confirm, Shannon decides to drop the subject rather than pursue a really, truly ugly and pointless he said/she said, although she thinks the Dubrows are not going to be happy when they find out the shoe’s on the other foot and Tammy’s been out divulging information they told her privately. Or….

To the table they go, where Mr. Lizzie makes a gracious but long-winded toast and they all dig in in awkward silence. Tammy decides to shake things up by asking Donn2 what his favorite body part of Vic’s is. For some reason they are all sure he is going to announce he loves her giant caboose but no, he loves her ladybits! And he uses the correct anatomical term! GROSS. Backtracking, Tammy now decides to outright announce to the Dubrows specifically and the table in general that Shannon has accused him of conspiring to “take down the Beadors”. Oh shit.

First, there is frozen silence. Then, Dr. Terry starts shouting at Shannon and demanding to know what all this is about. Shannon insists that Tammy has said something to her – and Mr. Shannon – multiple times (no I didn’t no I didn’t says Tammy, who is practically clapping under the table and bouncing in her seat, a glint in her eye), but just tonight is retracting her statements so it’s done and Shannon is not making a thing about it. Heather, however, is going to make a thing about Shannon yelling again. Lizzie, who ain’t stupid as she keeps reminding us, smells a shitstirrer, and it isn’t Shannon, Heather, or Dr. Terry. I smell it, too.

Tammy does what she always does and takes her quarry outside. Heather is mortified that Dr. Terry rounded up on Shannon like that, as she should be, but as a general matter isn’t mad at Tammy who thinks Shannon is “clearly drunk”. Clearly not, I think. Vic informs us that Tammy, in fact, has told her the same thing about Dr. Terry wanting to “take down the Beadors”, but she’s staying screwed to her seat and declining to intervene because Tammy is vicious and she’s terrified to cross her. So poor Shannon is left alone and defenseless in this mess which is not going to work out in her favor.

Eventually, the Beadors, the Dubrows, and the Judges are ALL out on the balcony having it out. I am worried someone is either going to jump or get tossed. Heather tries to explain exactly how she came to be telling “the world” about The Email which would go over better if she would lay off the self-indulgent “you yelled at me” pouting. Shannon declares the obvious – that never the twain will they meet on this subject or any other – but Heather’s not giving up that easily and starts barking at her for having told Vic and Donn2 that she hadn’t allowed Shannon into her house (which she obviously did, whether she kicked her out nicely or not-so-nicely), at which point Shannon loses it. And starts shrieking, which makes Heather shout again that Shannon can’t scream at her it’s not allowed, before bolting away through the house, hollering how everyone will SEE and will KNOW the TRUTH, with Tammy in hot and screechy pursuit. “Thanks, Tamra”, says Lizzie. Has there ever been a dinner party not ruined?

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Next time: Tammy speculates that Shannon is not just drunk but experiencing a psychotic break. (Tammy ought to know, having driven another ‘Wife to Xanax.) More gossip about the state of the Beador marriage. Vic and Donn2 are sharing my suspicions about Tammy, and something goes on with Ryan that makes Tammy freak out. Hoping we’ve moved on to a new subject by the time I get back from vacation.

beautiful day

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