Hope you had a great Father’s Day! Appropriately enough, last night’s RHONJ used a dad (several dads, actually) to create conflict and drama. Nothing says “I Love My Dad” like using him as a hoe to sow dissent!
We begin with Tre at the gym, where she’s hanging off TRX bands and tossing Kettlebells around, further underlining my certainty that I would not want to meet her in a dark alley. That gurrl is fierce! Tre and her trainer/friend, Linda, get to chatting about Gia’s upcoming coed 12th birthday party at which she will apparently become an adult in the temple given the scale of this extravaganza. Tre shares that when Gia’s older she’s going to take her to the gyno and if she’s not a virgin she’s going to disown her. Charming. Anyway: Tre is having this big huge party and after her meeting with Caroline decided to go ahead and invite Gorilla Joe & Co., because she “loves to have people prove me wrong”. That really sounds like a commitment to family harmony right there.
Speaking of the Gorilla, he’s hauling huge boxes around the Laurita Zone, because Jacq has heard that Nicholas may benefit from sleeping in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber so she went and ordered him one, just like Michael Jackson used to sleep in.
so is it just me in there, or can some kids fit too?
Yes, when your kid needs help you will do anything. Gorilla Joe and Chris set it up and Jacq and Nicholas zip themselves in, and hot damn he loves it! Thank Chaka Khan because that thing cannot have been easy or cheap to acquire. Joe and The Godmother get teary and reflective about how certain things are important and certain things are nonsense. We all know what they’re tawking about.
So on the subject of nonsense, Jacq leaves the babysitter upstairs with Nicholas in The Chamber and goes downstairs with The Godmother to tawk. Caroline tells her that Tre expects an apology and they both give that idea a big guffaw. Jacq thinks Tre owes the apology and to hell if she cares about getting it. Caroline suspects they both secretly have regrets. Jacq thinks it’s ironic that Tre needs Caroline to mediate between herself and Joe – she makes all this noise about not wanting outside interference and then she wants outside interference. Come on, we all know that broad talks one thing out one side and another out the other. The state of the situation is that Caroline at least made progress with Tre as to Joe… although she’s not going to tell Joe that Tre wants an apology from him. Eeek! That could be a big, big mistake. Caroline thinks Joe should tell his dad that he’s trying to make it work with Tre and at least get on the good side. I am starting to wonder if Papa Gorga has a good side, aren’t you? Something’s not right there.
Speaking of the Juice, Juicy Smurf and Juicy Gia are out for frozen yogurt together to talk about puberty and S-E-X and all sorts of painfully awkward tween subjects. Joe thinks Gia needs to be nicer to her sisters, and Gia tells him she’s mad at Milania for telling her she has a “hairy grill”. Ohmiword, Milania! Let’s be honest people: the only reason any of us watch this train wreck is for the Milaniaisms. That girl needs a spinoff! And P.S. Gia if you were mad about the “hairy grill” comment you didn’t need to repeat it on camera. We all would have missed hearing it, but you could have been spared a little puberty awkwardness. Juice is confused and doesn’t know why Milania says Gia has a hairy mouth and Gia gives him the Bea Arthur. Moving on, Juice wants to know if boys ask Gia out (duh, yes) and lay down de law: no kissing until 21, and no giving boys what they want. Like that’s going to work. Also, no smoking, which Gia says is no problem. “It’ll stunt your growth and you’re a midget,” he says. “You’re the biggest midget ever,” she retorts. So, so true.
At the Wakile Residence, Kathy and Rich arrive home in the rain to discover the Ferrari is gone. Where could it be? Out for a joy ride with Lil’ Rich and Rosie, of course! Rich acts like he’s all mad but really he thinks it’s funny, whereas Kathy is attempting to act like an actual parent in the situation. They all laugh at her in her tight sausage jeans tucked into cowboy boots and her Outback hat. “Come on, Crocodile Dundee,” says Rich. I wish Kathy would go less for trends and more for flattery.
Back to the Juice, where Juicy Smurf is driving Tre someplace and they are talking about how her dad is back in the hospital, this time in ICU with pneumonia and driving all the nurses crazy. WAIT: why is Juicy Smurf driving? Doesn’t he have a suspended license? Isn’t all this legal hoodeha he’s in (soon going to trial) over how he tried to get a fake ID using his brother’s identification, all because his own driver’s license was revoked due to DUIs and whatnot? Is anyone in the state of New Joisey watching this? Tre is all beside herself because if her dad goes then the only important person left for her is her brother. What about your husband? Your KIDS? This woman’s pathological need to keep her brother tucked up in her armpit is truly unhinged.
As far as Gorilla Joe goes, he’s sick with self-pity and a cold, and he must have left his balls at the Minute Clinic. I hope they will return them at the drive-thru pharmacy. He’s also all mad that things are bad with Tre just at a time when things are bad in general. He’s a simple kind of guy and just wants one thing to be bad at a time, is that so much to ask? Mel wants things to be civil and can’t believe The Godmother injected herself into the situation rather than just leave them alone to sort it out, because they were doing so well at that. Mel tells Gorilla Joe that they have been invited to Gia’s birthday party. Gorilla does not want to go. For one thing, he isn’t ready and wants to hurt Tre. For another, he really doesn’t like to go out without his balls.
More Mel as now SHE’s at the same gym where Tre was working out at the opening curtain. Well, they do live in the same ‘hood. Mel is sweating with the oldies, and Kathy, at some throwback step class and Kathy’s all mad because she wasn’t expecting so much bouncing. Kathy does not seem like the fitness type, does she?
Afterward at the smoothie bar, Mel shares that Gorilla Joe is so sick he lost his balls. Oh, and Mel’s throat doesn’t feel that hot either, so they are avoiding visiting Papa Gorga in the hospital. Makes enough sense to me, even if it sounds a little weak. Not that I’d want to visit my angry father-in-law in the hospital without my husband, either. Now here comes Jacq just in time for a little smoothie and she has conveniently missed the entire sweat session due to almost getting hit by a car and other frivolous excuses, oh, and she just doesn’t work out in gyms. ‘Cause, you know, there are people there, and all that bouncing. Speaking of people, they realize they are being WATCHED by Tre’s trainer/spy/spokesperson, Linda. Busted! She’s gonna phone it in and they all know it.
Speaking of Tre, she’s back with Kim D. in that hideous sweat ensemble with the distressed, beglittered baseball hat which is, it would seem, the same outfit she was wearing in last week’s episode when The Godmother conveniently called to schedule The Ho Ho Kusummit. Things are not adding up, girls! Not that I really know what it means, but something is out of order here. Anyway, Tre tells Kim D. that she wants Joe to come to the party and that she’s all mad that neither he nor Mel has been to the hospital to visit Angry Papa. Speaking of, as predicted now Linda’s on the horn to report that all three of Tre’s least favorite people are at HER gym and they are faaaaaaaaat. Tre and Kim D. cackle and rub their hands together. FAAAAAAAAAT!
Now Caroline and Chris are returning to the Primary Manzo Residence in Franklin Lakes to collect some lamps and china, and what do they find in the driveway but a pig named Moo Shu! Not to be alarmed, he’s with sister Fran. Sister Fran is known for bringing baby animals home (she is a vet tech). Chris says she’s turning the house into a petting zoo and that the scariest part is that he’s not surprised. Fran, it seems, is pigsitting Moo Shu and plans to keep him in the garage in a crate and she’s going to sleep there, too. Maybe there is too much dogshit in the house to sleep inside at this point.
Tre takes her girls to Da Salon to get their hairs did for Gia’s bat mitzvah and they are predictably out of control. Tre wants Milania’s hair parted in the middle, but Milania does not like butt parts and will not have it. “It’s my decision: zip it and be quiet!” Isn’t this child about 6? Tre moves on to harassing Gia about Zio Joe and Gia rolls her eyes. Nothing worse that burdening children with adult problems, if you ask me. Gia got a necklace from her BFFL (what the hell is that?) and he’s a HE! Tee hee! Everyone gives her crap about it. Milania loves the BFFL because, as she says, “I’m into older men.” Sounds like it’s time for a chat with Papa Smurf!
Also doing hair is Melissa, but she’s at home emptying a full can of hairspray onto two very small little boy heads that have absolutely no need for product but significant reliance on oxygen, which has been entirely displaced at the moment. Lips are blue. She’s getting da kids ready to go to da bat mitzvah, and Gorilla’s not going because he hasn’t been by to collect the balls yet. And he doesn’t want to go anyway. Mel looks genuinely nervous, and she should be, because even though it’s a kids’ party she suspects Kim D., instigator of Strippergate, will be there anyway in all her kidless, hateful glory. Gorilla says all that Tre will need is Trainer Linda to make it a trifecta of vicious idiocy. “They are Moe and Larry – just missing Curly.” Feel the love, people.
Continuing the search for a storyline, Kathy sends her kids to go visit Great Uncle Gorga in the hospital and stays home in bed with Rich to ponder the family ill-will toward her. Kathy repeats the issue about Papa Gorga from last season’s reunion: that she went to see Papa Gorga, for some reason, and he walked out, for some reason, and that’s what caused her to call him a “coward” on TV which caused Tre to go batshit shrieky which caused Rosie to go Incredible Hulk backstage. Kathy has since apologized to Papa Gorga but he still doesn’t like her and her buggy eyes. Rich thinks she should go visit him in the hospital if only as a fork you to Tre. Kathy is teary and blinks a lot.
Time for the bat mitzvah. Champagne, snowball! The cake is a pair of neon lips and was it just me or was there something uncomfortably gynecological looking about that cake?
Also, I think Gia’s BFFL (best friend for life) swings a little left, if you know what I mean. Her very own pocket gay and just 12 years old! And guess what but not only is Larry there but Curly, too. All set up and loaded for bear. Tre tells Kim D. that her dad is getting out of the hospital tomorrow – he’s been there for four days and Melissa didn’t even visit until TODAY. Can you believe it? Good grief. So Mel shows up and Kim D. immediately slinks over and starts interrogating her about when did she visit Papa Gorga and when was she at the gym and Mel’s face is like WTF and I am confused too. “I’m not accusing you of anything,” Kim says, sleekly. Mel thinks it’s between her and her husband when she visits her father-in-law and you know what Three Stooges? She is totally right about that.
So now here comes Tre and this same pointless convoargument circles the drain a little more. “I’m not interrogizing you, sweetheart,” croons Tre. I don’t know what she’s doing but I think interrogizing is an apt description for it. Tre thinks Mel is lying to “protect her image”, because, you know, she’s running for office someday. I think she’s pretty clearly a person who doesn’t feel too comfortable with her father-in-law alone, and who can blame her? Tre is going to bust her by dragging Mel in to visit Papa Gorga together and have a big blow up with him in it which will be excellent for his weak, ailing heart, won’t it? Let’s argue about a bunch of BS, it’ll be fun! Mel is done here and collects the baby Gorillas before cake. Tre bitches that she can’t even ask Mel a question. Nope, you can’t. Why does she need to? WHO CARES?
Next time: Caroline’s introducing the world to her balls. Mel’s writing a marriage advice book and struggling with the fact that her dad poked it in a lot of different holes around the Jersey Shore. Tre doesn’t want anything to do with Kathy or Rosie, and when she finally gets together with Gorilla he doesn’t want anything to do with her. Ciao for now!