“Hug Off” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 16 Recap

You guys, Scheana Shay is in the house! Yes, the deed is done and the Shays are eternally bound, forevermore man and wife. K1 thinks it’ll last, because she’s faithful and he kisses her ass, which is more than we can say about a lot of marriages so best of luck to them. The cast assembles for a photo.

IMG_1345.JPG

And now it’s time to celebrate. There are shot glasses, there are boob glasses, but mostly there are plastic glasses with terribly small pours. The pours are probably a good idea considering the inevitable to come, but plastic? We could not rent glassware? Are we dining off paper plates, too?

Right off the bat K1 is enemy #1. Horshack is wandering around trying to get her attention and bemoaning the fact that he gives her love and she doesn’t give it back. Dude, you’re an idiot. In swanning about without her boyfriend, K1 just happens to cross the Pumps’ path; Mr. Lisa gives her the chilly Glandsian dismissal so K1 gets in Lady Pump’s face. “Oh, hullo,” says Lady Pump. “Lovely to see you here!” chirps K1, as though she’s surprised. Things swiftly go sour as K1 asserts her life is just fantastic now that she’s no longer working at SUR, that she should have quit long ago (we can all agree on that), and that Lady Pump never liked her. Lady Pumps clarifies that she never liked K1’s attitude, and warns her not to spoil things for the Shays. K1 departs after clutching Lady Pump to her bosom against her will. “Why does she always have to end things with a hug? Hug off!” Lady Pump tells us.

The only two SUR people not invited to the Sch/ay nuptials are Lady Hitler and her sidekick Anonymous. Someone has either Instagrammed a photo of Scheana’s wedding getup or texted it to Anonymous, who shows it to Lady Hitler so they can have a good giggle. Lady Hitler is horrified and sizes it up as a “skanky quincereana” dress, the ugliest wedding dress ever. And she hasn’t even seen the backfat.

IMG_1346.JPG

They also think Scheana is wearing too much makeup for a “blushing bride”, and that Lady Pump’s bondage dress is an odd choice for a wedding, and that Mr. Lisa and Giggy’s matching purple suits are hilariously Prince, and while I can’t stand these girls I have to agree with them all around. They may be missing an open bar but they have kept their pride and dignity, and do shots to the crop top. I don’t think there’s a lot of dignity here, actually. Later they retreat to Lady Hitler’s place for strawberry margs because they have no friends, and acknowledge that if the wedding getup was tackadoodles at least the decor is gorg. The end.

IMG_1349.JPG

Back at the wedding, Jax is trying to work Carmen over and she is having none of it and stalks off when he makes a crack about moving on to Vail. Vail is flirting with Pirate Peetah who came in his SUR uniform of unbuttoned black shirt and black pants. That is the best he could do? I really want Vail to get that Obama growth off her lip.

It’s time for the big entrance of the wedding party and at least it’s not to to “Eye In The Sky”. But it is carefully choreographed to some dumb dance song and when that starts at the wrong time the bride loses her shit again. “The whole reception is fucked!” she shrieks.

IMG_1348.JPG

Well, yeah, screaming profanity at your reception tends to do that. Finally the inept wedding planner manages to get the DJ to restart the song so that the new Mr. & Mrs. Shay can emerge onto the staircase balcony at the exact right moment and: start jumping up and down like they are celeb hosts at a Vegas nightclub. That’s what this is about? The first dance starts off slow to some uninspired song, before it segues into an opportunity for Scheana to twerk. Klassy. Mr. Little Mama’s and my first dance was a mambo to “Let’s Get It On”.

The party continues and some people are having fun and some are not. T1 and Ariana are in love and hanging out far away from the crazy table. Horshack is assigned to the crazy table, and being half in the bag before dinner even begins is getting all bellig on K1 who is trying to avoid him. The bride gets up and instructs the assembled NOT to have any drinks on the dance floor, please! The 2s stroll off to a private moment in a gazebo where he offers her a small box as a token of his commitment, and it contains: a small rose-gold band on a chain. Yes, the dreaded “ring on a string” that K2 has always told him never to give her. She’s upset and crying and disappointed, and he’s confused and dejected and made at the person at Jared who sold him this shitty little 9th grade birthday present. T1, who does not have commitment issues, commits his tongue to Ariana on the dance floor. Watch the spittle! Carmen tells Jax she’s not spending the night with him and summons Uber.

Lady Pump just happens to stumble upon K2 feeling sorry for herself as the inept wedding coordinator collects garbage (yes, paper plates). K2 spills her guts about the disappointing “ring on a string” and Lady Pump wants to know whether this silly boy is really worth all the time and waiting K2 has put into him. K2 has to think about giving him an ultimatum.

Bridezilla finds her wedding coordinator on garbage detail and explodes on her that nothing – NOTHING! – has gone according to plan! She wants to do the dollar dance! (What is the dollar dance?) She wants to do the garter (UGH) and cut the cake (necessary) and throw the bouquet (always awkward). And she wants to do it NOW! Dammit, garbage lady, take charge of that DJ! You know I didn’t have a wedding planner and I had none of these problems.

IMG_1347.JPG

K1, meanwhile, has decided she’s had enough fun for one night and is going to Uber home with her bearded, smoking trainer, Trevor. Horshack, still stalking her, chases her into the parking lot to apologize for being a drunken ass and find out what exactly is going on. So he gets all up in K1’s face while the trainer casually leans against his Prius, smoking a cigar, and enjoys the show. Which quickly becomes a shitshow when K1 tells Horshack they are “done” (clearly temporarily forgetting she’s his houseguest) and he yells at her that she is “unmanageable” (true), to which she responds by smacking and then punching Horshack in the face before making a break for it. Yow!

Having lost Carmen and insulted a number of women by calling them “large”, Jax resorts to trying to flirt with Lady Pump and gets negged. K2 recuperates from the disappointing ring on a string enough to climb into the fountain to dance. Horshack returns to the reception and tells T1 that K1 punched him. T1 is so happy to be with Ariana now, with whom he will always be able to go on vacation simply by looking her in the eyes, and whom he may never actually have to marry because she’s not that into it.

The reception finally wraps up and everyone goes to a villa for an afterparty. In the morning, Scheana awakens in full makeup (crusty!) and rallies her troops to help with garbage duty as Mr. Shay sleeps it off. Scheana is in a bad mood because K1 “ruined” her wedding (she didn’t even know anything had happened until Horshack told her at the afterparty?) but rallies with a little beer and candy for breakfast. And we’re done.

Next time: we’re back to the campaign to destroy T1, and this time K1 is bringing in the big gun: Lady Hitler.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | 1 Comment

Real Housewives of Burbank 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 13 Recap

With more frequency than I would like, Bravo dishes us up an episode of boredom and pain that does nothing to entertain, nor move the “story” forward. Tuesday’s episode was one of those. These are the times when I am driven to check online and see how many more nights of drivel we are expected to endure; as it turns out, RHOBH is scheduled to go at least 16 episodes (until March 3), when Kim and Lipsey will have it out in Amsterdam (I suspect we’ll have at least two more episodes beyond that), while PumpRules has three more episodes and ends March 2. No, Scheana’s wedding is not the dramatic finale of this season of that.

Anyway, we pick up where we left off which is at Kyle’s not-so-gay partee. The Glands wants Kim to leave with her, but Kim wants to sulk in her corner banquette and vape some more. Kyle has retreated across the restaurant to her real friends and is desperate for these bitches to just get out. Kim’s all mad that (from her point of view) Kyle was trying to draw out The Glands to spill some dirt on her unpleasant, unsober vulnerable moments, whereas it’s perfectly obvious to anyone with an ounce of sense that Kyle was simply challenging The Glands, who thinks she knows everything about everything, that maybe she just doesn’t know EVERYTHING and should shut her fat trap. Anyway, they finally leave and vape outside.

Over in the corner, Kyle seeks comfort from Lady Pump before snapping at her about which one of them identified The Glands’ nasty streak first. Or I think that’s what it was about, I don’t know. No one understands why Kim doesn’t see this for what it is, and Lipsey doesn’t understand why The Glands gets so vicious with people before sizing the situation up: Kim is an addict (duh!), and so is The Glands (meep!). Girl, look out below. Eileen thinks Kim has painted everyone around her into a corner so that everyone is scared to actually deal with her. Word! Kyle apologizes to the assemblage of gays and sends them all home, love match made or not. We’re done here.

Like a rolling stone that gather no moss but perhaps a few STDs, The Glands moves right along to her podcast. Does anyone listed to podcasts? Really? Do people have the time for this sort of thing? I don’t, and if I did I could not be less interested in spending that free time listening to The Glands interview this Heather McDonald person about whether or not she has had sex with the Girls Gone Wild guy. The only interesting element in this is the observation that The Glands and Heather McDonald’s noses have the same pinched bridge. Botox, or the same surgeon? The Glands whines about how Chelsea Handler can say anything she wants, but The Glands gets castigated for calling her kid an asshole when he leaves a popsicle in her dresser drawer. I agree that’s an asshole move, but the difference between Chelsea Handler and The Glands is that Chelsea tends to size things up about right most of the time, and The Glands does not. And when you do not, and when you will not stop talking so loudly as to force people to hear you when you are spouting off, people will assign ugly to you no matter what you’re saying. This podcast must be so tiresome. I am glad I do not make time for podcasts.

The fun girls, meaning everyone else but Kim, have been invited by Eileen to join her at the Burbank Film Festival. The what? Yes, The Burbank Film Festival. All I know about Burbank is that Wheel of Fortune is filmed there so I am underwhelmed, but there in Burbank is where Eileen’s new sci-fi film (a short film at that) will be making it’s world premiere, in a mall.

IMG_1317.JPG

So all the ladies hop in a car to get to the mall; en route Lipsey makes a call in which it appears she is talking about “cameltoe”? That’s the only word I heard. The other ladies are all talking amongst themselves about Kim’s sobriety status and The Glands and her questionable motives, but I’d stop and listen to Lipsey’s conversation if it were me along for the ride. Cameltoe!

IMG_1318.JPG

Having arrived at the Burbank Mall, Eileen takes the escalator alone to the nether regions and the awaiting step-and-repeat on a red bathmat. The other ladies give her some space and head over to the concession station to trisect a single hot dog amongst them all. They cannot afford three hot dogs? They dare not eat an entire hot dog? Ladies, hot dogs are goooood. Not every day, so when you have one, eat it!

The podcast done, The Glands giraffes on up to Malibu to do yoga with Yo. Yo has hired a large handsome man named Keith to run them through their asanas and try to get The Glands in touch with her chakras. Yo thinks The Glands needs a lifestyle change, not Xanax. Oddly, The Glands shows zero interest in Keith who I would have fully expected her to attempt to mount in Yo’s glass refrigerator. Too much Xanax? Anyway, they run through the yoga with The Glands giving little more than a halfhearted effort before Keith gives up and leaves. Namaste, bitches.

IMG_1320.JPG

The real point of this is for Yo to go all Mommy on The Glands and try to rein her misbehavior in. Good luck. Yo tells her she’s heard “the girls” are mad about The Glands’ aggressive behavior and that she’s been drinking too much again. The Glands shares with us that like a preschooler, when someone tells her she can’t do something she’s going to do it more. This is how my wall sconce got broken yesterday by Small, and he’s five. Yo tells The Glands that she has a problem if she’s drinking so much as to be an asshole; The Glands retorts that people talk about #2 as if she’s an alcoholic for having gotten the DUI, so there. Yo objects to The Glands having dragged her daughter, who simply made a mistake, into this situation, and if it were me I’d do more than object, I’d be done with that bitch there and then and bodily remove her from my hilltop home to make it absolutely clear. But no, Yo basically rolls with The Glands’ latest lower-than-low blow and gives her some more Mommy talk which The Glands totally ignores. She doesn’t care about anyone else and isn’t gonna change, so there.

Time to change the subject, and we’re back to Max’s Ethnic Heritage. After having a sniffly moment with Pandy Pump at a Rite-Aid while assembling a Pump Sangria display, Lady Pump is now bravely standing by her Max as he seeks information about his biological background. Max pulls up the results of his swab test, sees his original name for the first time which appears to be of little interest to him for all the fuss Lady Pump made about revealing it, and finds out he is part Scandinavian, part Irish. No shit. He assures Mommy that he’s not interested in meeting his biological family and that the search ends here. Of course, now that this is all on TV and he’s famous and everything, who’s to say that biological family isn’t interested in meeting Max? This could get very Jerry Springer, fast.

IMG_1322.JPG

Eileen convenes the Richards Sisters for lunch at what appears to be the very Sofitel where Jax, Carmen, Horshack, and K1 recently defiled the waters of the pool, in order to try to bring the discord to an end between these two. Eileen knows from difficult sister relationships as she has lost two sisters, one for reasons I didn’t write down and the other because she went the “homeopathic route” in treating her breast cancer. I wonder if Eileen knows Kyle adulates Suzanne Somers who famously and loudly celebrates homeopathic breast cancer treatment.

Things start off okay, with Kim seeming all lovey and understanding toward her sister and acknowledging that The Glands really has no idea of all the times and ways Kyle has been there for her. This doesn’t last long, though, as she quickly changes tacks and starts bitterly complaining about how Kyle is trying to expose her dark secrets. Kyle very sensibly and coherently responds with an alternative perspective on her challenge to The Glands – that she was simply challenging her claims, not trying to draw embarrassing information out – but Kim brushes it right off and keeps on snapping. Kyle, for her part, tells Kim she’s upset that Kim doesn’t back her up to The Glands, nor did she react to the nasty comment The Glands made about Mauricio being a cheater. Kim sniffs that she didn’t hear her say that in the first place because her head was too far up The Glands’ bony ass. Eileen informs Kim that The Glands really is a shitstirrer and can’t seem to do anything but make anything she touches a disaster, but hands-over-ears lalalalalala Kim’s not gonna hear it! Lunch ends as a stalemate.

Truly peculiarly, The Glands is having a friendly Lipsey on her podcast and they have a friendly lunch afterward in matchy-matchy leopard print all around.

IMG_1323.JPG

Lipsey is going to try another Mommy tack with The Glands, apparently, and asks her why she gets so testy with everyone. The Glands acknowledges that she’s a temperamental “mama bear” and can “go low”. Girl, you aren’t a mama bear, you are a bitter, mean old snapping turtle and should be left alone in the swamp. The Glands defends her behavior by saying that poor sobriety challenged Kim said she was her best friend, and of course Kim has no friends, therefore The Glands needs to be her best and only friend even though psssstt she’s taking pain pills! She is! She’s so not sober! But don’t tell anyone, specifically Kim, The Glands said that because The Glands’ whole thing is how Kyle actually spills dirt on Kim, not The Glands. Lipsey thinks Kim needs an intervention. Oh, terrific. Because RHOBH interventions always go so well.

Next time: I have a note that there’s yet another crappy party. There’s rehearsals for yet another crappy acting job. And yes, there’s an intervention. Sigh.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

“Happy Shay Day” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 15 Recap

It’s the day! It’s the day! The day Scheana becomes Scheana Shay! (Yes, for real.) It’s practically a palindrome. Not to be confused with Shea Nashee, of course.

This week of filming has to have been pure torture for Production because I feel like the last four episodes of Pump Rules have been straight up Groundhog Day. I mean, we’ve been in this week leading up to the wedding FOR EVER. But editing has done a nice job of mashing all the wound up drama into the previous few, so today the bride can show up at Villa Rosa all serene and glowing in a blue crop top and a see-through flowered maxi to discuss the wedding arrangements and beg for 300 bottles of free sangria. Scheana has been planning this extravaganza (I just typed sextravaganza, Freudian slip!) on a waitress’ budget…. with the added enhancement of a lawsuit settlement, which has ratcheted said budget up to $90K. $90K! And she still needs a sangria donation! All that pain and suffering endured for such a worthy cause. Lady Pump defers the sangria question to Pandy Pump, and moves the discussion along to K1: is she or is she not still invited, seeing as she’s no longer a SUR server. Scheana is torn because she really has no idea how to uninvite K1. Lady Pump thinks she can do it. I agree.

Meanwhile, the Ts and Jax are off to harass the groom into a near-death straight-blade shaving experience on the eve of his wedding. They have brought 40s of malt liquor in paper bags to take the edge off. Is T1 wearing knickers? And I have never seen a man in cropped pants but leave it to T2. I think I bought those pants at Costco several years ago, myself. But I am a girl.

IMG_1297.JPG

Anyway, T1 has appointed himself “personal stylist” to Shay, who I agree needs a stylist as I have never seen him not in a tank top (and I hate men in tank tops), but poor Mike Shay to have T1 gift him the gift of style. I picture Shay in a snood and chevron tux pants, pegged. With pointy shoes.

The rehearsal dinner is, of course, going to take place at SUR so Scheana can use her employee discount and, of course, receive shouted well-wishes from patrons as she passes through. Ariana wears a midriff-baring top in honor of the bride-to-be, while K2 shows up in a black sack. Her clothes have begged the question but generally K2 has looked the prettiest she ever has this season. Scheana arrives in a tasteful-ish white Modcloth dress with that shrunken look, whereas the men… oh, the men. It’s a sea of deep v-neck t-shirts. Under jackets, without jackets… the groom, for his part, wears an untucked short-sleeve plaid shirt. Hmm. Scheana’s rather large parents are here, which bodes ill for the Shay future, whereas K1 is conspicuously not. Lady Pump banned her from the premises and she totally means it.

With no K1 on the grounds, T1 seizes the opportunity to have a casual heart-to-heart and a smoke with Horshack. He’s genuinely concerned about Horshack’s future with K1 since she’s (a) obsessed with T1, and (b) demented and capable of evil. Horshack seems to be all on T1’s side and agreeing she’s not acting normal and overly invested in whether or not T1 banged The Miami Girl, and T1 advises him to be very careful and watch hisself because he doesn’t deserve the shit he has to deal with having K1 for a girlfriend. And also not say anything about this conversation to K1 before the wedding, which Horshack is totally going to do because he tells her everything, regardless of whether she does the same. This ought to be fun.

The day before the wedding, instead of rehearsing and having the usual final preparation events, Scheana moves into a casita on the grounds of the wedding venue – a Mediterranean hilltop villa in some deserty area 30 minutes outside LA – along with alllll her wedding attendants, and K2, so they can celebrate SCHEANA! Again! It’s her day, y’all! The Craigslist wedding coordinator she hired for the event seems to be slacking on executing Scheana’s vision, but at least Pandy shows up with the 300 promised bottles of sangria and hauls them all in herself in her stilettos, like her mama raised her. Does Pandy Pump have or not have an accent? It seems to come and go.

One of the gals not invited to join Scheana at her last hurrah is K1, who despite being a super-bestie at least at the start of this season has slipped several notches. So she’s having a bite to eat with Horshack and her unwashed hair. I know there are people who make a big case for not washing your hair daily, but if the result is it ends up looking like this I vote for the daily scrubbing.

IMG_1300.JPG

Horshack, of course, immediately spills all about his chat with T1, claiming T1 initiated it and practically dragged him out to the patio. K1 crows that this is proof – PROOF! – that T1 is obsessed with her! Horshack feebly asks about the 1’s text interactions and an argument ensues about whether the smiley-face-with-tongue emoji communicates a lack of seriousness or an intent to eat the communicant alive. Horshack, once again, sucks it up and bends over.

Back at the bridal casita, Scheana presents her wedding attendants with their special bridesmaid gift, something she had personally created for each and every one of them: handpainted wine glasses to resemble each ‘maid, enhanced with big 3D bazooms.

IMG_1303.JPG

Awwww, so cute! K2, the hanger-on, gets a red Solo cup lookalike posted on a wine stem and bedazzled with her name. Just a sentimental little tchotchke from this special day.

IMG_1301.JPG

K2 makes a nice speech of sorts about how she’s glad to be in a good place with Scheana. The bride is just glad for K2’s sake that she got her head out of Stassi’s ass, because fresh air smells better. You so funny!

In the morning, Scheana and her cast of Playmates assemble to get the drinkin’ started early, mimosas and muffins before they start getting dolled up. Just as the spackle crew is in full swing, Scheana suddenly remembers that she just happened to leave the album of “boudoir photos” she had made as Shay’s wedding gift (so that when she’s as fluffy as Mama he’ll have something to look back on with fondness) in her apartment, and the only, only person available to retrieve it is, of course, K1, who is only too glad to do so, so Scheana phones security and directs them to let “Kristen Doodie” (did you know her name was pronounced that way?) in to collect. Sure enough, K1 makes the pickup and scoots on over, right in time to get her own hair and makeup done, too. Some 30 minute commute that was; gosh, it’s almost like she was sitting in her Corolla out in the parking lot the whole time. Ariana is displeased, but what can she do? They are boudoir photos, guys!

The groom, meanwhile, is in his tiny casita with his two helpers, Bearded Guy #30 and T1, who has secured for Shay the most rad tux jacket ever: it’s white, it’s satin, it has black shawl lapels, and it has “SHAY” embroidered underneath the collar on the neck so that when the groom unties his tie and flips his collar all will see who he is. He is SHAY. And he volunteered for this mess.

IMG_1305.JPG

The tables are set with those three-dimensional embroidered flower cloths that I am always sure will tip over wineglass after wineglass, the pink candy is dispensed, and the $20K in flowers arranged, and it’s almost go time. Scheana takes leave of the PlaymatesΒ (abandoning Ariana to the makeup studio where the spackle applyers are barely keeping K1 in check) and moves the operation upstairs to the bridal suite, clad in only her underpants, a white lace robe, and carrying a handle of Fireball, and gets lost en route, so lost that she nearly crosses paths with arriving guests.

Many of the men are in shirts without jackets; those that have jackets mostly don’t have ties, and most of the men that have ties don’t have jackets. Except T2, who has redeemed manhood by wearing a shoelace as a necktie. K1 strolls in with Horshack bitterly shout-whispering a demand that she hold his hand, a demand she denies to concede to, and takes her seat without him right on the aisle. Lady Pump and Mr. Lisa arrive with Giggy and take seats in the front row, naturally.

The Playmates assemble in the bridal suite to wish Scheana a “happy Shay day!” and watch her put on her bridal gown. It is custom made to her vision. By her aunt. It is beaded within an inch of its life. It is a mermaid skirt that tightly contains the bride’s heftiest parts and practically shows butt undercleave, and: a crop top. And no ordinary crop top, no; this one is made of white Dippin’ Dots so Shay can eat them later for a midnight snack. And oddly no Dippin’ Dots on the skirt so they sort of don’t work together exactly right. And the bride has had not one but two shots of Fireball. This is not my kind of wedding and that’s all I am going to say about that. Well, except that there is back fat. I know!

IMG_1311-0.JPG

So it’s time, but – surprise!- the stylist isn’t ready! Yes, all these people on leave from SUR, closed for the holiday – are left to sweat and suffer in the hot direct sun while T1 fusses with his hair. And the bride is going from fussy and obsessed with details that don’t matter to furious, controlling, and on the verge of making a public scene because they are running late, people! So late that there’s a traffic control issue at the bottom of the stairs and Scheana has to go wait in a broom closet – a broom closet with no air conditioning, for that matter – while the groomsmen pass through. (I hate to tell her this, but most brides have to wait in some awkward passage at one time or another, and there’s no A/C out on the patio, either, so suck it up.)

Finally, the bridal party emerges onto the cliffside dias, and the black Friend of Pumpers from season one takes her place and begins to sing what sounds like a version of “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You” in French? Which causes the bride to completely lose her shit because it’s too soon! “NO NO NO! Make her stop and start over!” See, Scheana has to emerge at a certain exact moment in the song when FOP gets to a line that’s either about “take my hand” or “bite my brioche”, depending on your French comprehension, and now it’s all messed up.

 

So FOP finishes and is instructed to sing it again, so that the bride can make her big entrance, assume the position, say her vows, and show the world the love handles. Oh for a covered midriff. For a girl who wears crop tops as her signature look, you’d think she’d know this was going to happen.

IMG_1315.JPG

 

Next time: it’s party time! Lady Pump and K1 have it out; T2 gives K2 a “small box”; everyone leaves at an appropriate hour which further enrages the bride; Anonymous gives Stassi the lowdown on the bridal attire; and the couples are fighting, most notable Horshack and K1. Don’t say T1 didn’t warn you, bro.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | 2 Comments

“What Do You Do, Get A Hose?” 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 12 Recap

At this point I think we (including me) should all accept that this recap is going to post on Thursdays. Wednesdays are my days driving the mom shuttle, and there’s just never going to be opportunity for a sit-down to go through the rubble of Tuesday night’s drama. Just not happening.

I didn’t even get a chance to watch this week’s episode until last night, and as I was ff’ing through the opening montage it occurred to me that the show The Glands really belongs on is Hollywood Exes. I think I saw one or two early episodes of that show when I was nursing babies in the middle of the night, but that’s totally her social milieu and her taste level. These are not her people, and casting her may have kept something going here, but it was an error.

Anyway, we catch up with Kyle at her odd store, which looks so 1970’s old lady boutique to me, and she’s picking out a disco dress to wear to her “gay mixer”. Why does Kyle feel compelled to host a “gay mixer”? Well, it seems that she and all her friends each have “gays of their own”, and “her” gays are all single. Hosting a mixer is her way to “keep them off Grindr”, facilitate real relationships rather than quickies in the smelly alley behind PUMP, and surface the hidden “tops” of West Hollywood.

Now after this episode, apparently Top Gay Mr. Andy gave Kyle (and several fellow ‘Wives) an earful about the possessive homosexual; gays are not property, or objects to possess, or items to claim. But honestly I think he has Kathy Griffin to blame for this because she made it part of her shtick and it has shtuck. Also, from what I have recently heard, keeping divorced women off Tinder should also be a social priority, perhaps even a higher one than decimating the ranks of Grindr. Regardless, Kyle’s having a party, and one hopes it might actually be more fun than the usual Housewives social occasion.

Yo will not be going because Yo is going to Italy with GHDF for a charity event. See, GHDF is majorly charitable, you guys; he doesn’t just write checks for things, he actually GOES TO GALAS all over the world. This gala is one his foundation is co-hosting with Andrea Bocelli’s foundation to present awards to Sophia Loren and George Clooney. You guys: he is a GIVER. Next thing he’ll be in a burka alongside Angelina in a refugee camp. Or… wait. Nope, sorry. Yo won’t be doing that either. Anyway, she’s a professional packer, and with the able assistance of Blanca has herself and GRDF packed up and rolling out, after a word to Anwar about not drinking on the beach while she’s gone. PARENTING. It takes commitment!

Lady Pump is on the couch at Villa Rosa in a truly ugly 1980s Ralph Lauren American flag sweater going through her old scrapbooks about baby Max. Lady Pump is a scrapbooker? Maybe she can help me figure out how to work my new Cricut Explore, known in my house as “the ma-Chine”. That thing is more complex than my minivan, but once I figure it out I am going to be Monograms Gone Wild. Anyway: it seems Max wants to learn about his “genetic background” and Lady Pump is feeling conflicted about it. She’s going to let him do some swab research and hope that’s enough. Mr. Lisa is wearing a weird pintucked blouse and his general befuddled expression. Whatever the lady wants!

Over at Kim’s, The Glands shows up for a visit while Kim’s perched atop a stool in the pantry trying to reach her stash of vapes. Kim’s out of the hospital after what she claims was “7 or 8 days” (so, which was it? 7? 8? do we have a gap in the time/space continuum? How out of it was Kim after the poker party?) and is now on the mend from a snapped rib and hernia which caused her all that pain. Do they usually keep you hospitalized for a week for pain and pain alone? This is mysterious. Kim’s dolled up her leopard pajamas with two bright circles of carnation pink rouge on her cheeks, whereas The Glands is feeling leisurely in a white “cold shoulder” negligee looking thing. It’s a veritable pajama party! With vapes! Yes, Kim, who has spent ONE WEEK in the hospital with respiratory-related issues, and who is providing deathbed care for her cancer-stricken ex-husband in her home, is vaping. Hard. She can’t let the stick go.

via

So Kim claims she doesn’t remember anything about the poker party because of her mistake in taking one of Monty’s pain pills. The Glands tells her it was a bad night for all three of them – The Glands, Kyle, and Kim – and that she was only trying to protect Kim from her evil, uncaring, selfish sister. Kim is reminded of old incidents with Kyle and is disappointed that Kyle “made a spectacle” of the situation. Um, what? Who? I’m no giant Kyle fan but let’s call a spade a spade: Kim made a spectacle of herself, Kyle tried to vanish, Kim sought her out in the bathroom to explain herself, they left the bathroom, then Kim segued into a meltdown that resulted in The Glands backhanding Kyle and practically hanging the midget on a coat hook in the foyer. Right.

The Glands feels she’s Kim’s one true “person”, having “needed her” various nights in which she’d made desperate calls. Not that she’s going to reveal the contents of those desperate calls, except to say that they were really, really desperate and pssst: Kim was off the wagon. Let the speculation begin! Meanwhile, we’re treated to a foggy retrospective of Kyle’s visit to a bedridden Kim just that morning (Kim seeming significantly more ill but vape in hand all the same) where she expresses genuine, normal, healthy concern and a desire to meet Kim’s needs, whatever they are. And Kim responds, like a normal person. Not that she tells The Glands that; no, she’s gonna tell Kyle what she wants to hear and then blow vape smoke up The Glands’ bony ass that she wants to gas up with. The Glands is a narcissistic, hypocritical, whiny black pot of toxicity, Botox, and crabs, but really, I think Kim deserves the blame for this fiasco with Kyle because she’s stoking this fire and loving it. Hey, it’s a storyline! And that means a paycheck! Kim is going to bring The Glands as her plus one to Kyle’s gay mixer. Brilliant.

Back to Villa Rosa where Max has rolled up in his Lexus, surfboards strapped to the roof. At least he’s gotten his smog check and is paying his insurance premiums, unlike some PUMP staff, maybe because he’s been promoted to some sort of manager-y role (which, Lady Pump is quick to point out, he has totally earned as a 22-year-old music school dropout and not at all because he’s a lil’ Pump.) Anyway, Max is here to do his swab test to “learn about his heritage”. Lady Pump is still alarmed that he might want to find his family, but that could be a plus because they could be richer than Croesus. (News for you, Lady Pump: adoption terminates any inheritance rights with the bio family, so he’s all yours in that department.)

Max fires up the laptop and asks Lady Pump for his biological parents’ last name; she knows it, actually, and even met them when they adopted Max from foster care, but she’s not gonna tell it. Mr. Lisa tells Max his father was Japanese and his mother was Nigerian, which fully explains why Max looks like an albino poodle. Lady Pump would have liked to pretend Max was their biological kid from the beginning, but he was told old for that, so… I feel like the Pump parents need a little counseling on how to be appropriate adoptive parents and acknowledge the child’s reality. He’s 22 years old and obviously has a normal, healthy attitude about it all; the weirdness here is all Mom and Dad.

via

Kyle’s scaling her closet shelves in her disco mini in an effort to reach her favorite giant clutch which is conveniently located on the top shelf. Girl, get a stepladder! Shorties like us need them! And also, don’t stick your favorite bag where you can’t reach it. Be practical. Her ladysitter is here to go to the party with Kyle and “her” gays. Unbeknownst to her, The Glands is doing the same, and she’s wearing (wait for it): AN ICE SKATER COSTUME. Plunging front, open back, twirly skirt; but for the lack of spangles, this is completely the same getup she slammed Horsey for on the last season’s reunion show. Sweet, sweet irony.

via

Kim shows up to collect her and The Glands chirps “hi mommy!” Why does she call everyone “mommy”? I’d call her “asshole” if she called me “mommy”; well, actually I’d probably call her “asshole” anyway, and seeing as I am pretty sure she’s older than I am she really shouldn’t be calling me “mommy” anyway.

They’re off to the show and The Glands “doesn’t want to deal with Kyle”. Get OUT of the CAR, then! But no, she’s going, and she says she really feels okay about how the poker party went at this point because the problem was all the drinking. Because drunks aren’t rude, it’s the drinks they drunk that are rude. Kim’s vaping again.

Lady Pump zooms up in her white Porsche, pops out, grabs her gay, and the party begins. Lipsey Rinna is wearing a jacket, that’s it, and her excuse is that when she’s with “her gays”, pants are optional. Kyle is just settling in for a Glands-free fun night with Her Gays when – BOOM! – in giraffes Kim with The Glands, who has no intention of hugging “that bitch”. A great attitude for the reconciliation Kim is sure, just sure, is to come.

Kyle is reeling. Couldn’t Kim have texted her a heads up? Asked? Sought a reconciliation when Kyle was actually agreeable to it? Sorry! The atmosphere is made even more stressful by the circus-tent curtains and the impossible amped up light. Hit the dimmer, please! I sense a leg tossing may be imminent.

Sure enough, after mentally recapping her laundry list of complaints against The Glands (she accused Kyle of not being there for her sister; she claimed Kyle wanted to see Kim fail; and she brought up all the tabloid scuttlebutt about her marriage), Kyle marches up to The Glands to say hello, apologize for trying to elbow her out of her way in Eileen’s foyer, and essentially demand an adult, responsible, remorseful apology from The Glands for the entire poker party fiasco. Ohshit.

The Glands takes this as well as we have come to expect from her, and it’s ON. The Glands insists she was protecting Kim from her evil, meanspirited, ill-intentioned sister and defusing a situation. AND she’s the one taking care of Kim during her late-night emotional drunken crises, where are YOU, KYLE? Now Kim is mad at Kyle for having approached The Glands in the first place and causing The Glands to bring up all these embarrassing personal matters – it’s Kyle’s fault! Even though Kim brought her in the first place! Kyle is horrified and wheeling around as she and The Glands shout “asshole” at each other before The Glands gets all up in Kyle’s face like President Business. “What do you do, get a hose?” asks Eileen? What indeed?

via

Now Kim’s all curled up in a corner booth with her vape having a pity party and accusing Kyle of hurting her feelings. RIGHT. Kyle is at her wits’ end, trying to make her sister see some slight degree of sense in this situation, but The Glands is hovering and won’t leave, even when Kyle tells her to get out because she’s “not wanted”. “Neither are you, just ask your husband!” The Glands retorts. Cheap. Dirty. And also not very clever. Come on girl, do better than that tired old shot. Kyle shouts at The Glands not to pretend to be Kim’s friend in order to stir the shit, which causes Kim to go to The Glands’ side of things and Kyle to shout the words: “FUCK. YOU!”. Hard core, for real, two big Italian hands in the air for emphasis, before storming off to find Faye. Kim vapes.

Next time: More crying with Kim and The Glands; more speculation about Kim’s sobriety and mental state; more questions about Max’s birthparents; more mothering of The Glands by Yo; and more claims by Kim that she doesn’t remember this, that, or the other. I’m tired. Can we get Kim and The Glands their own Snooki & JWOWW style spinoff? They can run around in bedroom slippers and suck lollipops in bushes. Don’t even need to replace them.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment

“I Don’t Have To Worry About Coming To Work And Getting Shanked” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 14 Recap

I can’t say I have a lot of desire to dine at a PUMP establishment, but man would I love to be invited for a meal al fresco at Villa Rosa. Putting together a gorgeous evening like this would leave me too exhausted to enjoy it, but then again Lady Pump has Rocio and I have Big, Medium, and Small. Anyway, it’s Mr. Lisa’s birthday so all the kids are coming to celebrate with lots of wine and costumes for Giggy. Pandy keeps her hat on throughout dinner which I don’t find appropriate. Conversation turns to K1, and whether or not Lady Pump is finally going to dismiss her over her impudence to Manageress Diana on the last episode. Even Max, who’s best friend is Horshack, acknowledges she’s awful and is bringing easily-influenced Horshack down with her. Lady Pump knows she gave K1 her final warning at her last suspension earlier this season, but you know, there’s an “allegiance” there, because they are “like family” after all this time. Girl, please.

There seems to be some sort of party happening at the Sofitel hotel, because Horshack is DJ’ing and K1, Jax, and Carmen are along for a mutually-miserable personal appearance. Well, truthfully K1 is trying to make out like she’s having a blast, but Jax is in one of his foul moods and is dishing it out to everyone. Carmen accuses him of texting lots of chicks (hello?) which gives rise to an opportunity for Jax to hand his phone to K1 – not Carmen – to read his texts and just happen to stumble upon one which appears to suggest T2 banged some chick in Vegas. And further, their plan was to cover up the banging by claiming it was just making out. This situation is even more tedious than this party.

IMG_1256.JPG

Speaking of T2, he and T1 and K2 are going out for drinks at some place called Lock & Key that has a clever, clever conceit where you have to guess which doorknob opens the door upon arrival. T2 guesses right on the FIRST TRY! Amazing stuff! Is that a scrunchie I see holding up K2’s topknot?

 

IMG_1257.JPG

Despite having only had three hours sleep last night after the traumatic confrontation with The Miami Girl, T1’s up for drinks and wedding talk with Sch/ay, who had trouble with the door. The wedding is days away, you guys, and having blown $20K on flowers now Scheana is reaching out to friends to pick up bags of ice at Circle K. T1 is ON it.

Just then, T2 gets a text that seems to be from Jax, telling him the cat’s out of the bag on his Vegas hookup. T2 realizes that with Jax on the rag his goose is cooked. With not a moment to lose, T2 takes K2 aside and confesses that he wasn’t totally honest with her about the Vegas situation, that he in fact made out with some chick although he didn’t remember it and had to call her to ask what happened, not unlike The Geek in Sixteen Candles. Did he like it? It was a weak, sad time in their relationship.

IMG_1258.JPG

K2 could not care less about that, she’s just furious that it takes Jax holding a sword over T2’s head for him to be honest. With all the fun taken out of the evening, the two go home to their sadly fraternal looking apartment and have it out some more over T2’s idiocy in choosing to party with dumb whores at hotel parties, before K2 stomps off to bed in her red plaid sack leaving T2 to camp out on the couch. No one takes poor Gordo out! That dog needs to pee!

The sun rises and it’s time for work at SUR for Ariana, K2, and Scheana. Scheana tells Ariana that T2 confessed to having “heavily made out” with someone in Vegas which has K2 tweaked; Ariana points out that Jax is known for stage-managing girls to go drape themselves all over T2 when they go to these dumb hotel party/appearances, so who’s fault is it really?

What we’re really excited about, though, is that it’s time for K1’s comeuppance. K1 doesn’t think Lady Pump has “the right to be mad” at her because (a) she wasn’t on the job at the time, and (b) she wasn’t responsible for bringing The Miami Girl in, even though she totally was. Lady Pump convenes the management team in one of SUR’s private dining rooms before dismissing the men and taking on K1 with the chicks. There’s something very Apprentice about this, and sure enough, after some backtalk and refusal to take responsibility and a fully excoriating takedown by Lady Pump, she utters the magic words we’ve all longed for for three seasons now: “YOU’RE FIRED!”

And then the ticker tape parade begins. K1 storms off, takes off her mic kit and weird elastic butt band, and stalks out the smelly alley, while confetti drops and fireworks zoom. Line cooks in the kitchen high-five each other. Ariana realizes she can now come to work free of fear of shanking, and a big smile spreads across her face. And T1? Well, T1 does a happy dance, jig, pelvic thrusting, and all.

IMG_1261.JPG IMG_1262.JPG IMG_1264.JPG IMG_1272.JPG IMG_1263.JPG IMG_1273.JPG IMG_1269.JPG

K1 insists she didn’t get fired for misbehavior but because Lady Pump can’t stand her. Does it matter?

So with that over with, it’s back to the subject of the Sch/ay wedding, and she’s going candy shopping with Ariana and Shay to get pink, gold, and white candy from Dylan’s Candy Bar, the most expensive possible place to acquire candy, supposedly at discount through their manager friend. The candy is essential stuff for the candy table Scheana is insisting on having at her “Mexican themed” wedding. What the hell? She continues to hold out hope that K1 is going to behave herself at the quincereana.

Speaking of K1, she’s home with Horshack furiously texting, as usual. She’s furious that Lady Pump attacked her character “as if she knows me”. Girl, you’re like family to Lady Pump! Plus, you’re your own fault. Stand-up comic and former Jax fuck Rachael comes over with cheap bubbly to help K1 celebrate unemployment, and the corresponding unemployability under the circumstances. K1 insists she is never working as a restaurant server again, and that she’s not responsible for The Miami Girl thing, either.

K2 and Anonymous are of course still employed, which means they can afford a beer and a bite to eat to gossip about SUR stuff. They are both thrilled that K1 has not only been fired but banned from the premises. They are not altogether in agreement about whether their other mutual friend, Lady Hitler, is or is not an ass. They agree that she didn’t give K2 a chance to explain herself for the Miami trip deal, but Anonymous feels for her because she’s “been through so much”. Like what? Seriously, what? K2 seems over it and is equally over the whole T2 thing, with the exception that she’s past ready for him to grow up, prove his commitment, find a real career, and quit going on these stupid boys’ trips that only result in chaos. I’m ready for all the T’s to quit the boys’ trips!

T2 pops over to Jax’s apartment to tell him to go to hell, and finds him viewing his finalized fitness app. How is this going to work is what I really want to know? Who is going to stand there in the Nautilus section of the gym watching Jax hop around and do pushups on his cell phone, and retain their pride? T2 congratulates him on the pointless app, and also on his excellent bus-throwing skills, and we have yet another of these circular Jaxuments where one of the Ts yells at him for being a bad friend and spilling and refrying their beans which weren’t even really soaked, man, and Jax yells back about how he’s tired of being the bad guy and it’s someone else’s turn. There’s a lot of threatening about how everyone has done something wrong, and how there’s more beans where these pintos came from, and plenty of DUDE, DUDE, DUDE! And in the end, T2 defines it as a choice Jax has to make between being “honest” or being loyal, and we know he picks asshole every time, because he’s Jax!

Next time: It’s time for the Sch/ay wedding! Will K1 behave? Will Horshack finally get fed up with her obsession with T1? Will the wedding come off? That’s gonna be a good one.

(Oh and hey: wasn’t there supposed to be some thing about Max looking for his biological parents in this one? Did I miss something?)

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | 1 Comment

“How About a Little Neosporin?” 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 11 Recap

A couple of times a week, I work out with a group of people including one man, Lou, who is 62 and does not understand what is going on with this show. I have to share his bewilderment because we seem to rehash the same things over and over again and never quite get anywhere. Case in point: Kim is looped, possibly by a foreign substance, and Kyle is rattled and they are at odds, again. Although this time we have the helpful interference of one inebriated giraffe in the mix.

So Kim stormed away from Kyle with her enforcer The Glands in hot pursuit, body-slamming tiny Kyle into the entryway furniture in her efforts to enable the escape. Out in the driveway Kim wants to know where her pizza is, and of course The Glands dropped it face-down on the foyer floor more than five seconds ago so now what’s a hungry girl supposed to do? The pause over pizza gives Kyle a chance to scurry up and try again to investigate the situation, but not before The Glands again throws an arm and tries to toss her off. The Glands thinks she’s Kim’s keeper now because one time Kim called in the middle of the night a bit off-kilter, and when The Glands called Kyle to report it Kyle was not interested in getting involved. Maybe because it was 2 a.m.? Maybe because sometimes it’s best to wait and see?

I think Kyle’s a little tippled herself, but she gets her sister alone and they sniffle by the garage while Vince Van Patton peeks out the windows. The Glands finally leaves them be for a moment and rejoins Lipsey Rinna and Eileen at the door, who are totally shocked that there’s a girlfight in the driveway. What is going on? “They hate each other,” The Glands sniffs, before launching into a poor-me weepie-do about her scratch.

Just then, Kim goes boonanas on Lipsey Rinna for telling Kyle she was all messed up on the car ride. “I just said you weren’t feeling well!” Lipsey defends herself. Bored, The Glands decides to take on Kyle again over by the garage door, grabbing her arms and threatening to “go crazy ghetto” on her before taunting her with shouts that Kyle hasn’t “been there” for Kim at all. “Where is she at 2 a.m.?” she cries. Wherever Kyle is, it’s not on the dysfunctional wavelength The Glands and Kimmy so perfectly cohabit. And The Glands got scraaaaaaatched! “How about some neosporin? Get a grip,” says Eileen, before detaching and assessing the Kim/Glands relationship as “codependent” for us, the audience.

After slurrily babbling about how she loves both Kyle and The Glands and just can’t decide (so she’s “picking me”) the party disbands. Lipsey decides to ride home with Kyle and talk to her about addiction issues. The Glands needs rehab, she believes, and “none of this would have happened without drinking”. Kyle tipsily nods and stares out the window. In Kimmy and The Glands’ ride, The Glands apologizes for fighting with Kyle and informs Kimmy she really wasn’t making any sense. “I wasn’t?” Nope.
Once Eileen has safely rid herself of all these awful people, she returns to the parlor where Vince is waiting on the settee and they rehash the “party from hell”. What Housewife party is not the party from hell? Truly? Beginners, both of them. Eileen may only parent boys but she’s got several sisters and knows with certainty that sister fighting is the worst in the world, but that doesn’t mean The Glands needs to involve herself. Sisters sort out their own shit. What could The Glands be trying to do here? Vince thinks she’s trying to keep drama going. Well, yes. It’s a page from the Tammy Barney Judge playbook.

A Housewife that is above drama is Yo, who has returned to Malibu and Her Love Genius Husband David Foster. Oh, and also her remaining child, young Anwar, who I honestly think we’ve only seen once before two seasons ago. #2 child FaceTimes mom who has technical issues; it seems even from coast to coast, Mama Yo requires her daughters to text her when they rise and also when they get home so she can ensure they are following their curfews, especially important with that naughty Bella. #2 is going out that evening to an art show with “Tallulah and Demi”. Fine with Yo. WHA? YO! Do you not get Us Weekly? I don’t think Tallulah Willis is the child that has been in rehab, but Demi Moore went well around the bend after Ashton Kutcher left her. This is not a positive influence, cultural excursion or no. #2 needs to be more selective in her playmates.

At Villa Rosa, Lady Pump and her five dogs (Stumpy, Lumpy, Grumpy, Clumpy, and Giggy) are waiting on a bench for Mr. Lisa to return with Rumpy from three months of intense canine reform school. Rumpy does in fact return, nutless, better behaved, and in a committed relationship with a fellow Golden with figure flaws. Despite her distaste for the dog’s fatness, Lady Pump accepts that her issues are hormonal and not for lack of trying, so she consents to retain Rumpy’s new wife, who shall henceforth be known as Pumpy. Pumpy is easy like Sunday morning.

Lipsey Rinna calls Kyle to make sure she’s still coming to her Stella & Dot party after the poker party fiasco, and also to check on Kim’s status. Kyle’s not sure how Kim is as she phoned while Kyle was out on a hike, but yes she is coming to the party with a committed plan to not interact with The Glands, at least until she apologizes. And so we shall wait. And wait. And wait.

Back at Yo’s, and Young Anwar is here! He’s a cutie, looks like #2, and is off to football practice with a full belly of strawberries on board. Yo claims he is sad to be without his sisters. I can’t tell, but I think he’s definitely stopping for an Egg McMuffin within a block.

Over at The Glands’ latest rental, Celebrity Rehab Jennifer is stopping by to check in, because The Glands was sending her “scary texts”. “Scary” means not relating ghost stories or threats, but suggesting The Glands has gone around the bend. The Glands is certain that she’s fine, but Kim is off the wagon whether she wants to admit it or not. And she’s the only one entitled to know what’s going on and be concerned about her, because in her royal opinion Kyle doesn’t care enough to be permitted entry to Kim’s inner circle. Jennifer is sympathetic to Kyle’s situation because dealing with an addicted family member becomes tiresome quickly. The Glands intends to take some space from Kyle, and also stay out of Malibu. Jennifer has gone too far with her lips.

Rumbly Mauricio comes home from work in his “The Agency” cap and finds his wife in the kitchen preparing to go to the hospital to see Kim, who has been admitted. The vague diagnosis is “pain” and a possible ulcer. Kyle acknowledges that Kim’s addiction has been a strain on their relationship, and feels that Kim’s role as the sole caregiver for dying Monty is overwhelming, especially after having had to do the same for their parents. And we all remember how that turned out – Mauricio stole Kim’s house!

It’s finally time for the Stella & Dot party, and Lipsey Rinna is cute flitting around and fluffing things. If I had Lady Pump coming to my house I’d be nervous too! Speaking of, Eileen is picking up Lady Pump and after nearly being kneecapped by one of the aggressive swans gets to take in all that is Villa Rosa as she updates Lady Pump, who was in Cabo, on the misadventure that was the poker party. Kim was “wackadoodle” and The Glands insulted Eileen’s decor – what’s up with that? What’s up is that she’s RUDE, girl!

Yo lets herself into Casa Umansky and finds the lady of the house in her bathroom. Are they going to the same party? Yo is casual in skintight nonwhite jeans for a change, and Kyle’s in a cocktail dress and heels. Kyle tells Yo that Kim’s in the hospital and The Glands got fractious at the poker party Yo wisely skipped. Drinking is an ugly thing, Yo declares; what moms get in a physical fight? Moms like The Glands, obviously.

Finally it’s party time, and The Glands is the first to arrive in a desperately unattractive denim minidress, because she has to go to Back to School night and be embarrassing to her children after this. She’s gonna sit down in one of those child-size chairs and it’ll be trashy flashy and the PTG ladies will go berserk. SOME of us try to keep it clean, even at public school. Yo and Kyle arrive, and Yo immediately rounds up her “little troublemaker” behind the woodshed. Look – celebrities are here! It’s Denise Richards and celebrity stylist Jen Rade. I didn’t see if she got nametagged but I remember her from that season of faux Project Runway that took place in LA and involved past winners being coaches. Lady Pump and Eileen arrive and receive the news that Kim is in the hospital still undergoing tests for the source of her mysterious pain. Lipsey is glad she’s hospitalized because she can’t drink there. Too true.

Speaking of drinking, Yo demands to know whether The Glands was boozed up when she inserted herself into the Richards Sisters’ situation. The Glands takes offense at Yo’s mothering, but Yo thinks if she doesn’t want mothering she needs to get her shit together and stop acting like a brat. Suddenly, Eileen invades to have a word of her own with The Glands. Why did she insult her house, and cuss up a storm, and behave in a disrespectful fashion, especially with the virgin ears of Eileen’s young son within the four walls? What’s her problem? The Glands is sorry if she offended her, and thinks Eileen needs to get a “fucking nanny” so she’s free to swear in her house without an issue. The Glands insists she is not a mean girl, but Eileen clearly thinks otherwise. Eileen thinks The Glands is addicted to chaos and negative energy, but since she has to deal with her agrees to call her on her shit directly next time.

After no doubt buying oodles of statement necklaces and charm bracelets, Lady Pump and Kyle take leave of the party and go get dinner together at Villa Blanca so they can talk about The Glands. Kyle feels she is owed an apology, which she is, but even once that comes she’s not going to trust The Glands as a close part of her life again. Lady Pump is done with her, too; the dynamic has permanently changed, and The Glands is lucky she’s permitted in their social circles because she has to be thanks a lot Production. They agree that The Glands needs to be the center of attention and isn’t happy unless she’s provoking people because there’s an angry person in there fighting to get out. And Kim is in danger.

Next time: Max Pump searches for his biological parents; Kyle throws a “gay mixer”; and The Glands shows up and threatens to knock out Kyle’s teeth over Kim. Good times, good times. Sorry it took so long for me to get this one out! Don’t give up on me!

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | 2 Comments

“Like She’s The Pope Or Something” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 13 Recap

Last night I went to bed at 8:30 rather than stay up till 11 watching PumpRules, and instead got up at 5:45 to watch fresh as a daisy. I have done this before, and as ridiculous as it is to watch reality tv at dawn, really I think this is the way to go. I feel like a whole new girl! All for you, friends.

The moment we’ve long been awaiting (all 12 previous episodes) has finally arrived: The Miami Girl is arriving. “Girl” is a loose term; “Annemarie” turns out to be a bit rode hard and hung up wet, per K1 T1’s usual type: mid-twenties and too much Botox. I do not see mid-twenties here. I see nearer to 40, something of a vague, darker resemblance to Ariana (does anyone else see this?), and possibly post-op. Annemarie staggers into the cafe where K1 lies in wait, teetering along on porn-star heels that, despite being wedges, are clearly giving her a struggle.

IMG_1241.JPG

After ordering a handle of RAMONA Pinot Grigio, K1 gets down to business for the camera and commands Miami Girl to tell her story. Miami claims she was weekending at the same hotel as Jax and the Toms (note to all who have been in the Mondrian pool since February 2014: get tested now), and after spending the day socializing and commisserating over her poor footwear choice, ended up having sex with T1. But not before T1 confessed that he had cheated on Ariana and was still in love with K1. Hmm.

“This is so gross, so disgusting,” K1 tells Miami, who does not flinch. Girl, this hobag basically just told you that having sex with you is gross and disgusting. Take offense! But no, this flies right past Miami. K1 is all indignant that T1 uncoolly keeps poking his pecker in strange places and then calling all the owners of those strange places liars, and agrees with Miami’s plan to march into SUR and let him have it on the job. Because Miami feels betrayed. Betrayed by a complete stranger with whom he had a long conversation. He owes her something, something more than the one hour and fifteen minutes of notoriety she has achieved having laid claim to a few minutes of weak banging from a C-list reality star. Yes, Miami has been WRONGED. She will not be ignored!

While K1 is conjuring up her evil plot, the 2s are having a conjugal visit on set at T2’s modeling shoot. Because remember, he’s a model! The only actively-modeling model in this whole crew of models! Perhaps bailing on medical school to enter modeling hasn’t gone altogether badly for T2.

IMG_1242.JPG

K2 updates T2 on her confrontation with Lady Hitler and nibbles one single Baked Lay chip; T2 feels Lady Hitler has shown her true, selfish colors after all K2 has done for her, helping her move, listen to her cry, and giving her couch space, and allowing her to eat and drink the 2s out of house, home, and wine closet. K2 still wants to believe there’s still a chance for their friendship.

Dusk falls, and it’s time for work at SUR, the Sexy Unique Restaurant!

IMG_1240.JPG

SUR looks like a bit of a dump, no?

K1 shows up with the standup comedian who once banged Jax and what appears to be a hidden camera for all the bouncing. They order drinks, and Miami comes tottering in in the same heels, statement necklace (from the Stassi Schroeder for Etsy kollection?) and white sundress she was wearing earlier. She’s here to clear her name! The name she self-soiled by seeking to bring it to the attention of the number one bunny boiler in LA!

Miami marches up to T1’s bar, where he takes one look at her, mutters “hi”, and keeps working before walking off the job and out the door. K1 grabs Miami and hustles her to the smelly alley, where they catch site of Ariana trotting after T1 to catch their Uber escape. T1 is not sticking around to have a confrontation with the his crazy stalker who has just showed up at his place of work; he’s scared shitless, man! No time to call security, just call Uber! K1 wrings her hands in glee. Her evil plot has worked, and T1 has proven his guilt through fleeing.

K1 takes over the patio with the unattractive stand-up girl and Miami, where they are cackling over their success until Scheana marches up and demands answers. What is going on here? K1 introduces her to Miami, and Scheana declines to shake hands for fear of communicables. This sucks, man! It’s Scheana’s wedding next week and she doesn’t need this shit! She demands to hear it from Miami what exactly she’s alleging happened, which causes K1 to start screaming and shrieking to be quiet and not answer her. People on the street are now staring in addition to the patrons inside, who are so excited they came on the right night. Scheana gets all tearful that she’s spent so much time defending K1 as “changed” and here she’s proving herself the #1 bunny boiler. K1 insists Scheana had no right to a heads-up because she would have ruined the whole moment! Just then, Diana the “manageress” comes out to see what all the commotion is about. K1 responds to her boss by shrieking at her to “walk the fuck away, now! Move your ass! Such a dick!” Girl, you was on your last chance. Mmm mmm mmm.

Jax and T2 have missed this entire episode because they are out drinking someplace else and talking about Jax’s futile efforts to get back in Carmen’s pantaloons. He’s going to take her as his date to the wedding and give her the full Pretty Woman treatment, which ought to go over well with all those to whom he owes cash. Jax is not excited about having to have dinner with K1 and Horshack tomorrow, but he’s glad to hear K2 has told Lady Hitler off because it’s a taste of her own medicine. Not that he expects it to last; T2 is Jax’s bitch, and K2 is Lady Hitler’s. And so it shall always be.

Lady Pump shows up at SUR and gets the dirt from Diana The Manageress, who reports that K1 was “extra disrespectful”. Not just her usual level of disrespect; disrespect with a cherry on top. Lady Pump cannot believe that Scheana was also screaming at SUR; that’s just not like her, but she apologizes so all is well. Mr. Lisa thinks K1 has been on their payroll for seven years too long. Lady Pump thinks that because this was a “personal thing” she can’t blame K1 altogether and has to hear her side before firing her. For fuck’s sake, woman! She interfered with business operations and was rude to the manageress! (Well, in truth she was only rude to the manageress in the process of jacking up business to appropriate levels, because all their customers want is the possible opportunity to witness a live shitshow. You know it’s true; that’s the only reason you’d dine at SUR when in LA, admit it.)

K2 picks up Jax and T2 in a funny little grocery getter she’s got on lend from Avis after being rear-ended, and clad in the most peculiar top festooned with gilded pelicans in flight.

IMG_1243-0.JPG

While those two fools were out boozing they totally missed all Scheana’s texts about the boonanas business that went down at SUR, so she updates. Jax thinks K1 has gone past 11 to 15 or 20 on the crazy scale, and T2 wants to know if she had a big tub of popcorn. K2 is not sure what to make of this; she doesn’t want to believe this weak banging event took place, but T1’s behavior in response to spotting Miami at SUR is awfully suspicious. Or: he’s legitimately terrified that he went to Miami without a full appreciation of his own notoriety or capacity for attracting negative fanatical behavior, and the wheels came off when he met the wrong chick in the pool. Happens in every Michael Douglas movie; he should have known.

Having Ubered around LA for a while, T1 and Ariana have gotten the call from Pirate Peetah that the coast is clear and they better come home before Mom gets mad. T1 is bewildered by the timing of all this, because after his and K1’s come-to-Jesus in Miami (ironically), he thought they were in a better place. WRONG AGAIN, sucker! T1 picks up his cocktail shaker and who materializes yet again but Miami. She’s been lying in wait, and she will not be ignored! The predictable “you banged me” “no I didn’t” showdown ensues before Ariana swoops in to save her addled boyfriend from himself. K1 has brought Miami on a “mental journey”, she assesses, and Miami has gone right along, ghetto nails and “oh-no-you-di-int” Springer training intact. After watching for a while, security finally arrives with the butterfly net, but not before Miami delivers her final bombshell: T1 gave it to her with his 4″ shaved wanger, and didn’t last long. Adios! shouts Ariana, and gives T1 a high five when the coast is finally clear. Good grief. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: not only does Ariana not believe there’s any truth to this matter, but even if there is she clearly does not care.

IMG_1245.JPG

The next day, things are obviously fine between T1 and Ariana because she’s spent the night and he went out in his snood to pick up a breakfast burrito and two coffees. They are very hopeful that Lady Pump will drop the hammer at last on K1 so they can bartend in peace forever more. T1 still cannot understand how all this happened after the nice come-to-Jesus he had with K1; Ariana fully comprehends that when T1 heard closure, K1 heard “so there’s still a chance for us”. She even sent a friendly text with the smiley face with tongue emoji! Ariana’s efforts to teach her grasshopper the ways of the world may finally be taking hold, as T1 is starting to see that K1 will do anything to ruin his relationship with Ariana so that she can swoop in and claim that only she, the #1 Bunny Boiler, can understand him. Aha! Someone is up to date on the Douglas ouevre.

Elsewhere, Jax n’ Carmen are meeting up with K1 and her temporary snood wearer, Horshack, for strawberry margaritas (manly!) and a rehash of K1’s recent malfeasance. Carmen is inexplicably wearing one of the more unattractive SUR uni’s.

IMG_1246.JPG

K1 shares that although T1 and Ariana bolted the scene, over all the confrontation with Miami didn’t go as she planned. AS SHE PLANNED! Jax asks her what she expects to get out of this shitshow, and K1 responds that she doesn’t want to be called a liar anymore. If you don’t want to be called a liar, stop talking about it, girl! This is just ridiculous, but it’s all Jax’s fault because he’s the one who told K1 the story in the first place. And from whence all the mayhem has followed. Haven’t we thoroughly established and documented Jax’s inclinations toward exaggeration and incendiary gossip? Well now K1 is going to pay the price, because Scheana is threatening to disinvite her from the big Shay/na wedding due to anxiety about a scene that isn’t about Scheana Shay.

IMG_1247.JPG

At SUR, Lady Pump holds her HR meetings with T1 and Ariana. T1 feels his fleeing of his post was in the restaurant’s best interest, and it isn’t his fault that K1 dragged his stalker in to make a scene. Lady Pump insists her customers “don’t come for a ringside seat to who’s sleeping with who and all this screaming”, which is of course EXACTLY what they come for. What does she think the draw is, the fried cheese balls? For God’s sake. And I’m on team T1 that if that’s what they got, it’s not his fault. Safety first! T1 apologizes which is the whole point. One must grovel before Lady Pump.

Next it’s Ariana’s turn to grovel which nearly goes bad when she calls Lady Pump “dude”. Lady Pump appreciates that K1 is the real problem here, and seems to accept Ariana’s insistence that she and T1 only intended to step outside but were chased away to the Uber car. Lady Pump wants to know why Ariana is so sure that Miami’s claims are false, and Ariana insists nothing adds up other than that he and Miami met. I mean, he doesn’t shave everything. Can she work with K1 again? She’d rather not.

K1, meanwhile, is at the recording studio pouting and shooting eye daggers at Scheana who is laying autotune on her new rap song. Shay and Horshack think it is AWESOME. It’s like a scene from Showbiz Moms and Dads in here. Breaktime comes and K1 and Scheana have it out in the lounge. K1 insists she didn’t set the Miami confrontation up which is complete crap; Scheana tells her she doesn’t understand what’s going on inside her brain these days. (I think the hamsters have been drinking absinthe, that’s what I think.) And what happens when she’s at the wedding drunk and T1 and Ariana start doing the electric slide? Get over it, girl. But K1 is still invited, because without her we’re really lacking for plot.

Next time: Jax conveniently leaves his phone open to an incriminating text about T2; K2 freaks out; and Lady Pump makes a decision about K1’s future at SUR. And the Mondrian pool gets drained and disinfected.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | 1 Comment

“Norman Bates Chic” 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 10 Recap

Apparently the Umanskys have left Arizona, because Kyle is back in the great state of California and has arrived at Eileen’s Malibu residence either onboard or alongside a short, fat bus. Eileen comes out in what truly has to be the ugliest lacy, shreddy, tie-die ombre maxi dress with cutouts ever sold by Boston Proper. How does that happen? Kyle’s in a leopard print bomber type jacket which makes her look like an animal-print yellow M&M. It seems they’re off for a restorative spa type outing to help Kyle shake off the trauma of depositing Mopsy at college, and sure enough the dam breaks and all the other Housewives come spilling out: Lady Pump in black with green heels and bag; Lipsey in a one shoulder animal print maxi from a better page of the Boston Proper catalog; The Glands in a black jumpsuit, and Kim in a not-particularly-appealing stripe top. What went wrong here?

FIERCE.
via

They all get on board the bus, with The Glands promising to be on her “best” behavior (and we all know what to expect from that), and immediately things go from wrong to SO WRONG because conversation is naturally all about pubic hair. Husband Harry, Lipsey reveals, likes a big, hippie-style, pubic-hair-explosion of a bush. That’s just amazing, and so weird, and thankfully she stops sort of describing how she balances his freaky preferences with the desire to maintain at least basic grooming levels that I sincerely hope Lipsey holds on to. I don’t want to know otherwise. The Glands loves this line of discussion and tries to get all the other girls, especially Lady Pump, to reveal their own spouses preferences and grooming arrangements, and thankfully Lady Pump is having none of it. I really never needed to give a moment of thought to this subject, and here now I’ve written a whole paragraph.

Their destination is the Bacara Spa in Santa Barbara, and sadly Yo is missing this excursion because she’s still in New York. Kyle set this all up and basically they came all this way for threesome massages. Kim, Kyle, and Lipsey take off for one side of the balcony, where Lipsey invites her therapist to “go deep” because she likes it “really hard” (oh hardeharhar), leaving the terribly mismatched grouping of The Glands, Eileen, and Lady Pump on the other side. Lady Pump is looking a little spotty, which she says is “mosquito bites”; The Glands immediately retorts that “some people call them herpes”. Girl, please. No one calls them herpes. Herpes is not on your arms, and you of all people should either know that or sign up for a refresher Health class because to carry on otherwise is a community health risk. Eileen cuts out early and heads back to work before any more wine can be thrown. I’m no geographer, but it doesn’t seem to me that it makes sense to go from Malibu up to Santa Barbara for a massage, and then hustle back to LA to get to work at the CBS studios, but as we know nothing really makes sense in how they do things around here.

Slide1

Back in LA, Yo is fussing around Gigi’s apartment (which does not look like the same one Yo so artfully furnished just one year ago) and fawning over new modeling photos of both perfect Gigi, who has made the cover of Harper’s Bazaar as the “icon of her generation” (really? what generation are we talking about?) and #2, who Yo describes as being the “black swan” to Gigi’s “white swan”. And we all know how that turned out, don’t we?

Bella has photos, too, that need to be selected for her portfolio, assumedly. Yo wants Gigi’s opinion on which photo of Bella smoking is better. They still take photos like that? Yo has decided that any child of hers who is earning six figures modeling can quit school. That seems like a bit of a low ballpark, considering they live in pricey Manhattan, and I wonder what Mo thinks about it. He probably doesn’t care. Gigi is wearing Guess? mom jeans. I haven’t seen an actual pair of Guess? jeans since I myself wore Guess? mom jeans, and that was a hella long time ago. But she’s the new Guess? face, following in the footsteps of Anna Nicole Smith, and hopefully in only this way.

Back at the spa, with the massages over with spa time is done and it’s time for a nibble and wine tasting class. Do any of them really need that? None of them drink red, The Glands would be perfectly content with Boone’s Farm, and I am pretty sure Lady Pump knows this shit already. Sober Kim is presented with a glass of: mango juice. And then invited to sniff the wine. LAWD this is awkward. Kim keeps insisting she’s fine and finally leaves to go talk on the phone with the blonde daughter, because that has to be more interesting than sipping mango juice and eating crackers. Kyle claims to be horrified by this misunderstanding and flits around to check on Kim fifteen times which can only be annoying. Lipsey even pays her a smoochy, overly affectionate check-in. Kim really all thinks they are being ridiculous. Whether this is Kyle’s fault, production’s fault, intentional or a mistake, this doesn’t look like a very engaging wine tasting nor does the food look tasty. Fail!

Back in the bus, someone decides to ask what everyone’s sexual fantasy is. GOD. I never, ever have conversations like this and things are perfectly interesting anyway. Lipsey wants to screw Brad Pitt; lame. Kim wants to be alone on a beach. Me too! Except unless she’s suggesting some sort of one-girl roll in the sand I think she didn’t understand the question. Kyle fantasizes about stripping in public with her face covered. No one wants to see that, with or without the mask. And The Glands? Well, she wants to walk in on her man getting it on with another lady and have to wait and watch for liftoff. Considering how exhaustively she has poor-me’d about Mr. LeeAnn’s affair, this is truly peculiar. End of topic, and spa day, and good times.

A new day, and Kim meets her sister at Kyle’s pretend store, Caftans-R-Us, to find her sister attired not just in gladiator sandals, but in a whole ill-advised gladiator costume. Has no one told Kyle Richards that she is short and stocky? Not everything works on the short and stocky (I should know). Off they trot to a neighborhood establishment to rehash the spa outing and the awkwardness of having a former drunk at a wine tasting. Kim insists she was not uncomfortable, no one needs to worry about her, and all their fluttering around like wet hens was the only weirdness. Just leave her be and trust her to be a grownup! Easier said that done for those who want to be conscientious or have learned the hard way. No problem for those who couldn’t give two shits, like one Glandsy.

So it’s time for the poker party, which is apparently going to be Vince and the ‘Wives. This is the weirdest house ever now that we’re getting a real look at it. The moldings are massively overwrought, there’s weird old “parlor”-y furniture with stained glass and fringe everywhere, and an excess of Holiday Inn Art show paintings on every wall. Eileen wants everything to be just so so she lights one of those logs you can buy at Walgreens while she is holding it in her hands and then clucks and fusses him over to open the grate and avert a human inferno. Honestly.

Kyle is riding to Malibu with The Glands, of all people, and brings two glasses and three bottles of champs along for the ride. Buckle up!

via

Meanwhile, Kim, of all people, is picking up Lipsey, and shows up “orney”. Not “horny”, “orney”, like ornery. Oh, says Lipsey, becoming alarmed. Kim’s speech is fuzzy and she’s alternately sad because of dying ex-husband Monty, or argumentative and pretending to act sexy, then swearing at Lipsey. Lipsey isn’t sure if this is pretend or real, and neither am I.

me so orney
via

So by the time they all arrive it looks like Kim’s pulling it together (it has been a long ride) and The Glands is half in the bag. She inspects the environs and declares the decor “Norman Bates Chic”, an assessment with which I have to agree even as I would never say that out loud. Except on this blog, of course. The Glands then amends that statement to describe Eileen’s taste as “eclectic like American Psycho“. Now I don’t know what she’s talking about but she’s not redeeming the situation.

After excessive glass clanging the gambling begins, and are these women smoking? Kim appears to be smoking a not-pretend cigar, and several of the other ladies have e-cigs. Let’s hope they are not stocked with Smurf Juice flavor as I have heard some are.

Things fall apart rapidly. I mean FAST. Kim is playing hard core and aggressive, swearing at people. The Glands is plowed and tells everyone they are acting stupid and are terrible actresses who can’t bluff. It turns out Kim has this game (Texas Hold ‘Em) figured out, and calls Lipsey stupid for her play. Things get uglier and uglier with a lot of fuck yous and Kyle is stunned, worried about her sister’s odd behavior. Vince is starting to look like an aged Nicholas from Eight Is Enough to me, which is weird as that was his dad’s show. The Glands is starting to feel like she wants to have sex with him. It’s a shitshow, and in the end Kim wins the award for best play and starts waving it and a dildo around like a magic wand. Kyle’s panic grows.

So Kyle disappears into a bathroom, which is where I’d be too, and Kim comes to check on her. Because obviously she realizes things are off and she’s part of it. Kim insists she’s not drinking, she just took a pain pill her ex-husband, who is being treated for cancer, gave her. Now WAIT: didn’t we go through some whole thing when Kim got her nose done that she shouldn’t be taking narcotics because of her addiction issues? So isn’t this a problem? Regardless, Kim and Kyle depart the bathroom with Kyle still worried but at least relieved that Kim spoke up.

Now what happened in between leaving the bathroom and entering the kitchen? Because as soon as Kim’s back in the kitchen with The Glands the wheels come off. Now Kim’s all worked up and mad at Kyle, ready to go and spitting “thanks for doing it” in Kyle’s face. As she charges out the door with The Glands giraffing along in hot pursuit, playing blocker, Kyle scurries after, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. The Glands puts a long arm out to impede Kyle’s access, Kyle pushes it aside, and The Glands literally picks Kyle up by the shoulder, flat-palms her in the face, and shoves her into the console table. And just like that Kim and her enforcer are OUTTA there.

via

Next time: the brouhaha boils over in Eileen’s driveway; Kim ends up in the hospital; The Glands and Yo have a argument over The Glands’ drunken catfighting; and Lady Pump and Kyle activate their wondertwin powers. Cheers!

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | 1 Comment

“Not Even Taylor Swift” 🍷 Vanderpump Rules Season 3 Episode 12 Recap

As life can’t be all penis straws and Champale, it’s back to SURreality for the PumpRules kids. And this is seriously elevating Lady Hitler’s stress levels, because as much as she talks being over it, she can’t quit any of it. The best she can do is park her Celica half a block away when depositing her one remaining friend, Anonymous, for her shift, after demanding a to-go order of fried cheese balls.Β I think Anonymous needs to cut Lady Hitler’s fried ball supply down.

Inside SUR, Lady Pump stops by the Jax station to check in. She’s surprised and delighted that everyone got along and the only facial wounds were incurred prior to liftoff. See, when you leave Lady Hitler at home things stay cool! Or maybe not; K1 is seeing her patio summit with T1 as “validation” that if there was no Ariana in the picture there might still be a chance for them. T1 and Ariana, on the other hand, thought the meeting was appeasement, and that perhaps after T1 tossed K1’s cigarettes out behind the dumpster to go fetch she was still looking. Nooop, try again.

Vail and Pirate Peetah meet cute in the smelly alley to flirt. Or at least that’s what Peetah thinks is happening. Peetah asks about Miami, and Vail shares that she got drunk and became a ‘makeout slut’. Peetah immediately goes for wine. Vail conveniently does not “remember” whether or not she smooched Jax, which will be helpful when video surfaces, as I think it already has. “Blackouts are God’s way of saying ‘don’t worry about it'”, declares Vail. Funny, I think they are God’s way of saying “Vail, get thyself to Betty Ford for a tuneup.” Peetah is intrigued by Vail. He is a ladies’ man, but craves a ‘partnership’. Peetah needs to get a real job. Especially because Max Pump is coming for his tight SUR shirt.

Inside, Anonymous corners K2 near the water pitchers and serves her with notice that Lady Hitler has declared their friendship over and K2 dead to her. Even Anonymous thinks this is a crappy way for their completely Stassi-servient relationship to peter out, but K2 seems oddly resigned. I underestimated that girl; must have been the orange hair phase. Oh, and the drunken clawing.

A new day dawns, as it always does, and the Sch/ays are over at K1 and Horshack’s rehearsing Scheana’s new hit song, a rap.

IMG_1228.JPG

She’s a regular Lil’ Bow Wow, our Scheana. It’s not going very well, really, although Horshack is confident. Scheana plans to perform at the wedding; she is going to jump up on a table and rip off her dress to reveal a new outfit underneath. So predictable. And, she reveals, Jax and Carmen will be sitting together, at his request. Dum da dum dum! Sherlock Doute’s sniffer is piqued. She thinks Jax is trying to hide something, just like…. T1! Horshack is getting fed up. You’d think the shrieking of “SANdoval!” in the sack would have done it before this.

Speaking of, Jax is meeting Carmen for lunch and he’s taken the liberty not just to order for her, but also to start eating food off her plate. Charming. Carmen arrives with her orange hair from the K2 for Nice n’ Easy Kollection, not entirely sure why she’s there but willing to be amused. Jax announces that he’s sorry about how things ended with them, especially now that he’s broken up with Tiffany. Poor stupid Tiffany. Anyway, he wants back in Carmen’s “good graces”, and her panties. Because Carmen was the best sex he’s ever had, and vice versa he is sure, so why not? Why not indeed. Carmen does not appear to be giving in but Jax thinks he can wear her down with his badgering. I’m not sure, and I really don’t see how she’s his type.

IMG_1230.JPG

Back at SUR, it’s time to report for work and today’s unis are my favorite butt-ugly shimmery peuce tshirt things:

IMG_1231.JPG

So flattering!

Vail and Peetah are flirting again, their laughter such that both T1 and Ariana whirl around like a pair of startled meercats. The 2s arrive together to find Lady Pump, who is happy to see them on the mend, although not so thrilled about the hamburger bun of hair K2 has perched atop her big melon. K2 tells Lady Pump that Lady Hitler has dumped her, to which Lady Pump replies good riddance. She thinks Lady Hitler has shown her true colors, whereas K2 is smart enough not to shit where she eats and is coming into her own. So let it go, K2. Let it go!

K1 goes stair running with a friend named Rachel, who just happens to be a stand-up comic and also an ex-girlfriend of one Jax Taylor. Jax really does not have particularly discriminating taste in the women he’s into, does he? It seems the reason for this scene is because The Miami Girl has contacted K1 and announced she’s on the way, and no one other than Rachel is willing to listen to this crap anymore. The Miami Girl wants to confront T1, at SUR and on camera, and describe his wang. What, is it all spotty like Michael Jackson? K1 wrings her hands in glee. This is gonna RAWK!

Jax, meanwhile, stops by Pirate Peetah’s filthy lair where PP is prepping for a date with Vail. Jax has his doubts about this because in his estimation PP has “no game”, which is sort of curious logic seeing as PP has banged all the same SUR girls as Jax, or at least all the good ones. He may not have game but he has a peg leg and a talking parrot! Lady Hitler just cannot resist a talking parrot. Off goes PP and it seems he had a completely different expectation of this “date” than Vail. He was aiming for a bottle of Malbec and a little horizontal lambada on a bearskin rug; she was expecting a latte before her shift at SUR. “Eeeeeuwwwww!” she practically screeches before racing off to her hostess station. Poor Pirate Peetah. Argh!

Lady Hitler is hosting some of SUR’s finest off-shift anonymous staffers for a glass of glitter-enhanced sparkling wine and a “studio” preview of the Stassi Schroeder For Etsy Craptastic Statement Necklaces Kollection.

IMG_1234.JPG

 

Mmmm, murmur the Anonymi, assembled on the floor and looking uncomfortable.

IMG_1233.JPG

Anonymous #1 tells Lady Hitler that she delivered the message of her firing as BFF #1 to K2, who claims she tried to talk to Lady Hitler but was rebuffed. Lady Hitler insists she simply did not respond to a text message of “hey”, because she only deigns to answer texts she deems adequately not-lame, and that she’s “weirded out” by what a “different person” K2 is to actually tend to her neglected boyfriend instead of doing Lady Hitler’s bidding and staying home to wax each others’ hineys. But Lady Hitler can wait. She loves a good apology and wants REMORSE. Remorse! For going on a free vacation with her boyfriend! Five lashings and an Act of Contrition will do it; “Hail Stassi, full of RAMONA pinot grigio and her own bullshit….”

Back at SUR, PP and Vail have an awkward encounter in the water area which leads Pirate Peetah to announce that he’s done with girls, “not even Taylor Swift”. Taylor Swift?! She’s fuckable? She just strikes me as a cat lady in the making, even without the “I will not be IGNORED!” element.

via

Vail explains the awkwardness of this moment in the water closet, which K2 witnessed, as resulting from her having “accidentally gone on a date” with PP. K2 consoles her that everyone eventually dates each other at SUR, it’s just how it goes and how they keep the crabs from spreading. Pirate Peetah confesses his painful social detour to Lady Pump, who laughs in his face and thinks he got what was coming. She wants him to be “above” the staff, not “on top” of them. Or behind, let’s not leave that out.

IMG_1235.JPG

Poor Peetah. He tried.

K1 and Horshack go out for a nibble and another chance to talk about T1. Horshack squirms and rolls his eyes as K1 tells him that The Miami Girl is coming to town. “If she comes to SUR, I’ll die,” K1 says. My ass. Then K1 tells Horshack that The Miami Girl had texted her and said that at least as of when she allegedly banged T1, he had “regret” about having broken up with K1. Perhaps she jumped into bed with Horshack too soon, she confesses, sorry but true. What is he still doing here?

So finally, at long last, it’s time for Lady Hitler to get her comeuppance. She lies in wait in this week’s Blanche Devereaux ensemble for a black-clad K2 to arrive at the selected patio luncheon destination, resolute in her determination to keep her mouth shut, listen, nod, and receive her just due remorseful apology. Which lasts all of two seconds before she launches into her erstwhile best friend, declaring that K2 did something wrong not telling Lady Hitler where she was going, and that she OWED it to her to seek her out and confess. OWED it! She feels that Scheana, of all the tacky people, was thrown in her face, after all the “loyal support” Lady Hitler has shown K2.

“Bullshit!” calls K2, delivering the shocking news that life is not always about Lady Hitler. Lady Hitler sits agape. Yes, if Lady Hitler wanted K2 to sit at home and text her until she responded, well, she’s gonna be waiting a long time. K2 decided that her sweetie gay boyfriend is also important, and that she needs to prioritize him and be more accommodating of his wishes. Which is how a mature couple operates, something Lady Hitler ought to know something about given how condescending she is to everyone that she’s been in a real adult relationship for four minutes while everyone else is children with relationships that don’t matter and bullshit jobs. K2 is going to prioritize herself and her relationships and her bullshit job and getting along with others, and if Lady Hitler doesn’t want to do that, well then, see ya. And off she goes, our unflappable K2, who may finally be growing up. SHAZAM!

via

Next time: Lady Hitler is frozen out; The Miami Girl shows up and makes a scene; and it all blows up in K1’s face. So much for penile identification.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | 2 Comments

Mopsy Bears Down 🍷 RHOBH Season 5 Episode 9 Recap

Greetings from Sonoma County! I’m off on a girls’ weekend, and despite my efforts to write this up on the plane the wifi was not cooperating so writing happened, posting did not. So after a full day at the Japanese Tea Garden, a quickie wine tasting, and a fabulous dinner, my first priority is getting this up for you. Don’t say I don’t love you.

Another Housewives episode in my hometown, and this one in my ‘hood and I didn’t even know! What a lost opportunity. But before we get to that, Lady Pump is in her bedroom ringing poor overlooked Max. It seems Max dropped out of “music college” and is now working at SUR because he wants to learn the business. Max is a self-described “content and lazy” person, whereas the beloved Pandy was valedictorian of her class and worked her way through college. Why? Anyway, the only reason I even mention this interaction is because it happens with Lady Pump perched on her fabulous bed. I want to climb under her covers and take a nap, it looks so fluffy and perfectly made.

IMG_1202-0.JPG

So: the Umanskys have landed. THE UMANSKYS HAVE LANDED! They flew commercial this time, looks like the American baggage claim area at Tucson International Airport. And they are all along for this trip to deposit Mopsy at UofA, which I think is slightly weird because I can’t remember a lot of siblings along for the ride when I started college, but of course this is reality TV and no one is that interested in the Umansky kids if Lil’ Portia isn’t around chewing scenery, as they say. Kyle is again complaining about Mopsy actually leaving home and trying to pressure her to abandon all plans for an independent future.

IMG_1203-0.JPG

Off they go in their family rompers for a campus tour and campus is oddly unpopulated. I’ve never once seen it so devoid of people and I don’t know how they pulled that off, although if the usual crowds of students were around the wheels would no doubt have come off. This must be a Sunday. A student tour guide shows them to Old Main, which I believe is an administrative office building that Mopsy will have no occasion to visit while enrolled, and carries on about monsoon rains and “brown outs”. Brown outs are better known to most as “haboobs”, and are basically giant dust storms that are really a Phoenix problem so I don’t know why she’s prattling on about it. She must be nervous. Next she tells them about the “bike valet” who will handle Mopsy’s bicycle while she’s in class. Bike valet? What is this? Rumbly Mauricio is pleased the university has a woman president. I’m not, because she’s trying to pull funding for our NPR station.

Another ‘Wife depositing a child at college is Yo, who is in NYC getting #2 set up in her new apartment and whining about how hard it was to find a place to put her. This is insane. First of all, I thought #2 was getting a roommate. Second, if that’s not happening why aren’t #2 and #1 daughter Gigi being roommates? Third, a moving van? Full of brand-new real furniture? Shit. I moved into my college apartment using a cute and somewhat transient hippie’s ancient Datsun truck and furnished it with a cardboard dresser and folding tables purchased on my very first outing to Wal-Mart. Mattress on the floor and all. None of this fur rug and leather couch bullshit. Yo is still ITMing in her coral sweater over #2’s DUI and her doubts about her judgment. Hey, set her up in a palatial apartment in Manhattan and that’ll take care of everything! At least she won’t be driving anywhere.

The Glands is in LA having coffee with her lawyer to talk about how Mr. LeeAnn continues to demand a refund. It seems he’s claiming she’s the big earner in their former family, even though he and LeeAnn have just filmed a reality show. The Glands wants him working because that’s good for everyone, and continues to envision a future in which they can all sit down for Thanksgiving dinner together. Who does that? Not likely to happen.

At Palais Van Patten, Eileen is burning the broccolini and I really hope Vince just showered and doesn’t intentionally want his hair to look like that. Both of Eileen’s stepsons are about to head back to college, and the oldest one will be a senior. All the young men gather around a very small table to eat Eileen’s burnt broccolini and talk about Gigi, as apparently one of these kids took her to prom. Meow!

IMG_1206.JPG

The Umanskys are back at the hotel (my house is a bit off camera to the left) and now Flopsy’s here! The band is back together! Kyle’s wringing her hands over Mopsy being on her own and you’d think she was the first one to go away to college, when Flopsy went to college, Kyle had Lil’ Portia to replace her so she didn’t really notice. Kyle never even let these kids go away to camp. That’s just cruel. They need to get Mopsy set up in her off-campus apartment, which she will be living in because there was a wait list for dorms. I am not really buying that, nor do I buy the pretense that Kyle’s going down to Bed, Bath, & Beyond to get a UofA trash can and a jersey sheet set in a bag for this apartment. Kyle’s not worried about Mopsy making friends, she’s just worried about her managing the details of functional daily life without someone to wipe her butt for her. Maybe Kyle needs to hire Mopsy a ladysitter.

Speaking of Gigi (and not speaking of #2, who another one of the boys also took to the prom), Yo’s got things all staged up. She and/or Mo are paying all #2’s living expenses so she can focus on school. Well, yes; if you have the resources that is what you do. This is an admittedly fabulous apartment, and another bed I’d love to nap in. #2 and Mom curl up on it and #2 presents her with a card of apology and remorse. Now get out! #2’s got a rager planned!

IMG_1207-0.JPG

Also in bed is The Glands, with best friend Celebrity Rehab Jennifer, new bff Kimmy in a 70’s-era Cher maxi, and her two pocket gay hairdressers. They are all going to watch the LeeAnn’s new show, because they need to see if the kids are on it, see. Right. The show is mostly the LeeAnn’s talking about The Glands. Boring. What channel was this even on? No second season for that.

IMG_1208-0.JPG

Lipsey Rinna and husband Harry are filming a movie with Penn Gillette, because Lipsey will do anything for Penn Gillette. Later, she’s planning a Stella & Dot trunk show and gets chased by a bee. The end.

The Pumps are celebrating their 32nd anniversary and you know what that means! Roses, puppies, and Mr. Lisa’s biannual screw. Rosio is out on the patio setting up the galvanized Cialis tubs for the occasion. Max arrives to ask for money. He’s finally gotten electricity turned on after three months, but he’s unable to drive his car because he hasn’t paid for the registration because he’s too lazy to go get the smog test done. DUDE. You pull in, they stick a hose in the pipe, you leave. This is not a life obstacle. Mr. Lisa is disgusted and Lady Pump muses about whether the fact that Max is adopted is why he’s so peculiar. I sort of think if you dwell on your child’s peculiarities they become more so, but that’s just me. Lady Pump lacks no confidence in her approach to parenting after the success of Pandy, and who am I to question.

IMG_1209.JPG

The Umansky’s are off to a family dinner at Gio Taco downtown where they will meet up with a voiceless Mopsy who has been at sorority rush. Kyle is realizing Mopsy is not coming home with them and bemoaning not having taught her children to do more on their own. She’ll get it straightened out by Portia for sure. It’s raining, the monsoon the tour guide hoped they would someday experience. “Why am I doing this to myself?” Lil’ Portia wails.

Vince Van Patton drives off with son Duke to take him to his last year at SMU. The end.

IMG_1210.JPG

A new day dawns in Tucson, Arizona, and yes it does look like that every morning. Tucson is a beautiful place! Mopsy still doesn’t have a voice and Kyle is fretting that they can’t send her off to school that way. They can and they will, declares Rumbly Mauricio, who escorts Mopsy down to the lobby and deposits her in a town car resembling but not driven by the official Little Mama chauffeur Steve while Kyle wails. “She better learn something,” says Mauricio. Oh, she will. She will learn to wear denim underpants as shorts and do lawn flamingo bongs.

Next time: The Glands gets kinky, again, the Hadid girls model, and something is amiss with Kimmy at a wine tasting. Clearly.

Signature

Posted in Reality Bites | Tagged | Leave a comment