TMI 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 12 Recap

I was too busy to fully recap last week, but here’s what happened: The Kountess invited herself on Queen B’s upcoming Mexico trip; everyone claims to have knocked boots with the soon-to-be-Mr. LuAnn; and The Queen started to experience graphic gynecological issues, about which we are about to here entirely too much more. Le sigh.

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We return to Manhattan and find Radzi delivering Baby The Dog to a photo shoot involving other dogs and a wedding theme. What’s happening? Why are dogs being piled on an inflatable swan pool toy? This whole situation takes a bit of sorting but it appears Radzi is vaguely friends with one of the few non-emaciated New Yorkers who happens to own a dog named Finn, and Finn is betrothed to a dog named Toast who is descended from a celebrity dog named The Fat Jewish, and as Toast’s owner is a socialite named Amanda Hearst there is to be some sort of “celebrity dog wedding” for animal rights and Vanity Fair is going to cover it. (Not to agree with The Donald on anything, but VF needs a kick in the pants. A few months ago there was an article about a failed, fraudulent engagement between some unknown woman and a doctor who was once profiled on Dr. Oz or something like that. This is important because? Every issue since has been a bit meh.) I really don’t understand what’s going on here, but what’s intriguing is the introduction of a gentleman named Tripp who is Baby’s “co-parent”. What? Well, I googled, and I don’t know who Tripp is but there’s a third “co-parent” who happens to be RHOC ‘Wife Meghan’s brother. This feels a bit like rent-a-dog to me.

Meanwhile, Doritos and Julie Toothpick are out shopping, although they don’t buy anything and basically just drink free wine out of plastic cups in the dressing room and gossip. First up is the upcoming trip to Mexico, to which So is Not Invited. Doritos has informed So of this fact, and told her she needs to be healthy and apologize to The Queen for the transgression with the Tipsygirl Prosecco if she wants to get back into the fold. Second topic is The Kountess’ new boyfriend, a relationship Mo is trying to undermine by claiming she had some extensive previous involvement with him, and even if not that he’s still close to his ex-girlfriend and gave her a Christmas present. Apparently Doritos has spoken to the ex in question, who clarified that Tom only went out with Mo once and that accidental encounters on the street that Mo is imagining as dates don’t count. Whether the Christmas gift amounts to anything is in the eye of the Kountess, one would suppose. Doritos thinks Mo can’t be happy for anyone else and is The Embellisher. She warns Toothpick Julie to buckle up and pace herself in Mexico, because once dinner rolls around it’s time to “let ‘er rip”.

Speaking of SoMo, they are reunited in their favorite place, So’s bed, So having segregated one of her floppy dogs into a Pack & Play for the occasion. So has quit drinking and is working out, in order to get back into the good graces of The Queen and Production, and it looks good on her. She’s invited to the upcoming Dog Wedding but not the trip to Mexico, and Mo advises her on how to leverage her access to Queen B at the Dog Wedding to wangle an invite to Mexico after all, role play and all. We’ll see how that goes.

The Queen, for her part, is still bleeding copiously, and significantly more time is dedicated to the discussion of her gynecological issues than I really care for this episode. Basically, it’s fibroids. She meets Radzi for a drink and a bitch session, and confesses that she failed to noninvite The Kountess on this Mexico trip (which, mind you, The Queen claims she is personally paying for, which is a load of caca if you ask me) and when The Kountess texted a thank you basically threw Radzi under the bus and said she, Radzi, would have veto power on her permission slip. Neither The Queen nor Radzi want to experience any “ho-bag moments” on this trip, which is “everyone’s trip”, even if The Queen claims it’s really hers and that only some of everyone is allowed. She’s not going to the Dog Wedding because she is seeing the gyne.

Toothpick Julie has Dr. Praeger coming over so she can reveal to her tiny wayward husband what she’s been doing when he’s been on the loose: concocting a “clearing tonic” based on ancient Asian wisdom passed down from the women in her family. Let’s talk about Dr. Praeger for a minute; I have been familiar with his spinach cakes for some time, and have unsuccessfully tried to slip them to my kids before giving up. Who expected Dr. Praeger was going to look like this?:

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I would have expected something more like this:

Anyway, Toothpick Julie is quite pleased with herself, and feels having accomplished something is good for her recovery. Mr. Toothpick is pleased, but not without snark as to her sneakiness, and announces he feels like he’s been cheated on. Julie retorts that one day, he might ask for half her shit if this operation is as profitable as she hopes. Meep.

Doritos and Bethenny go to Homegoods, because Doritos is redecorating, thank God. They have a Homegoods in Manhattan? More Bethennyblather about the profuse genital bleeding before they bolt for the gyne together.

Meanwhile, in anticipation of the Dog Wedding, Toothpick Julie has invited So over for a glam session with her on-call beauty squad summoned on her batphone. Why is there a huge pile of leather cushions in the corner of her kitchen? Anyway, while they wait for Hair and Makeup, because God forbid anyone put their own mascara here, Toothpick shows So a photo over her own ladybits because she somehow incurred a hematoma climbing through a window.

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A what when? And it required catheterization and three days of recovery? So thinks Mr. Toothpick is never going back down there if he saw what Julie had going on over the last few days. Somehow I think that was already a non-issue.

Doritos returns to The Queen’s apartment after the doctor’s appointment where the SkinnyStaff is running around like the Secret Service in a panic trying to tend to The Queen’s gyne needs. She has apparently lost 10% of her blood due to giant fibroids, and is facing multiple options for surgery, one of which is a hysterectomy and several of which would render her infertile. Given that The Queen is a little long in the tooth and still technically married the chances of future Skinnybabies seem limited, but a girl should leave her options open if possible. One thing that’s for sure is that the Mexico trip is off, which takes care of the undesirables neatly.

Off to the Dog Wedding of the Year! Marchesa has made a couture canine gown for this event, at which there will be 300 guests and nearly as many canine companions. Gossip columnist Cindy Adams is going to officiate in an ugly dog sweater, and Simon Doonan, a famous gay, is going to give away the bride, Toast, because The Fat Jewish is otherwise engaged. Priorities! It’s all slightly amusing and raises $10,000 for a puppy mill rescue, which is sort of underwhelming. After the ceremony, the ‘Wives gather for an update on The Queen’s vagina problems, at which time Doritos gets to make the announcement that the Mexico trip is off. Radzi is secretly relieved. So feels thwarted again in getting back into the fold. Mo is totally tweaked because she had all her outfits lined up and photo-loaded into her outfit app, and now what? Since she’s not going to Mexico on a beach vacation she decides to cut the cake and take a bite of the bow. Screw you, Toast and Finn! Overall, this episode was about as exciting as a dog wedding. Pfffttttt.

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Next time: It’s The Kountess vs. Radzi Part 537. The Queen is freaking out about whether her minions can find her living will (and she better find it, because if Jason is still named to pull the plug things could get interesting). And it’s the return of Holla, on ice!

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“Sorry If I Blew Up The House” 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 10 Recap

I forgot to mention in the recap of last week’s episode that the guest room closet of my childhood home is wallpapered – purple monkeys swinging on vines. Yes, I am THAT FANCY. If you have an interest in owning an 80-year old house with purple monkey wallpaper in one closet, it may be available to you if the contract my mother has with the current asshat falls through, so message me. Serious inquiries only.

So back to Doritos’ Berkshires kitchen where the aroma of kosher lasagna has drawn The Queen down from her ivory tower to find The Kountess once again complaining about The Queen complaining about her sluttiness. Queen B, still in her onesie, demands to know whether this is part deux of the “apology” The Kountess just sent her by text. Exasperated, LuAnn once again explains that she did not mean to imply she was somehow involved in the creation of the Skinnygirl Margarita, and yes, she’s tweaked that Queen B keeps crapping on her for having a social life.

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The Queen responds that yes, in fact The Kountess DID imply to people that she was somehow involved in the invention (an assertion she does not back up or detail in any way), and further that she, The Queen, has standing to complain about The Kountess’ sluttiness because she objects to the way LuAnn slut-shames other people for doing the same things she does herself. For example, Radzi: The Queen accuses The Kountess of having publicly humiliated Radzi over dating a much-younger man when she herself had also dated a 25-year-old and is Radzi’s same age.

The way I remember it, The Kountess’ objection was over Radzi screwing The Kountess’ Help because The Help had previously been screwing The Kountess’ niece, so I never really thought age had anything to do with it. Nonetheless, The Queen insists The Kountess is not “admitting” who she is. I think the Kountess has perfectly well admitted she’s a two-bit UES floozy, so I am going to take her side in all this. Also, while she may or may not have knowingly slept with a married man, I don’t recall her ever accusing anyone else of doing so, which is particularly interesting now that rumor has it that The Queen herself is now involved with the husband of one of her own friends. Mmm hmmm. Doritos and Toothpick Julie have had enough of this and are playing Twister in the billiards room.

The Queen’s next line of attack is that women, specifically herself and Mo, do not want to have their men around The Kountess because she’s a maneater. The Kountess thinks Mo is just jealous because she, The Kountess, is now involved with a man that Mo failed with. The Queen persists in insisting that The Kountess stole Tom from Mo, but I don’t think any of us got any impression that Tom wanted anything other than to escape Mo. Wouldn’t you?

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So who are we, or Queen B, to deny him the right to a new pursuit? I just don’t get this. The Kountess calls on Doritos to weigh in that women are perfectly comfortable having their men around her – in fact, Doritos lets her hang out with Big Fat John all the time! The Kountess thinks Queen B is just picking her apart to compile a list of complaints and take her down on one or the other of them. Certainly does seem like it.

NEXT! Next issue is that The Kountess has appointed herself as So’s savior, and Queen B and Radzi both think this is a bad idea. This makes The Kountess cry, because she’s apparently worried So is going to be chopped up by a sexual deviant and eaten for a midnight snack if she’s not looking out for her. Listen, bitches: first, if The Kountess is the only person willing to put herself out there for So, I really don’t think anyone else should criticize her for it because I don’t see any of them protecting her from serial killers.

Second, what I think is actually happening is LuAnn is “mentoring” So in how to stay on the show: I think that after the fiasco with Kim Richards, Production was sort of in a quandary about what to do with the rest of the hot messes on their salary list. They haven’t cut her loose, but they have marginalized So to effectively FOH, a position from which Lu rose like a phoenix just a year back. Knowing that So not only needs the money but also the relevance, I think Lu has moved into the SoStone and is carrying on this batty-ladies-about-the-UES storyline in order to keep her afloat. (Point of illustration: while all this bitchery is afoot, So is home on a Saturday night with her herd of “interns”, wearing her favorite fur stole, and rummaging through her junk drawers to find enough random miscellany to fill a box she can send to her daughter as a “care package”. Because nothing says I Care like a half-used package of makeup removal wipes.) And no: no one else will film with So, much less give her a storyline. So yes, Lu is helping her. And I actually think they are all tweaked with Lu for keeping So into the fold – especially The Queen, because now So is involving herself with cheap ripoffs of the Skinny family of products for lack of anything better to do. And also Mo, who was really hoping to have freed herself from her erstwhile BFF by now. She’s such a caregiver.

Dinnertime! Just as the carb-avoidants are digging into kosher lasagna, who should burst through the French doors but SANTA! And this Santa – Shanta! – has boobs! Shanta has brought gifts for all: giant personalized wine glasses that each hold an entire bottle of wine. PERFECT. The Queen realizes that Doritos knows how to throw a fantastic party and she went and shit all over it. (Again.) Radzi decides that being around The Kountess and failing to win the argument is depressing and goes to bed. The Kountess and The Queen apologize to each other, after which The Queen informs The Kountess that she still thinks she’s “cunning and crafty” and steals men. Mo agrees, and The Kountess points out that Mo does exactly the same thing, so what? Stalemate. Doritos is so glad she had this party for this ridiculous group of bitches who ruin everything, every time.

To make sure Doritos really feels how much Queen B appreciates her kindness and warmth, The Queen and Radzi decide to make a break for it in the morning: just throw their shit in a bag, toss their coats on over the PJs Doritos thoughtfully gifted them, and flee. As Doritos, Julie Toothpick, and The Kountess happily prepare breakfast (Julie Toothpick questioning whether the whisk is actually The Tingler), these two tacky broads dart out the side door and run for their car until they are busted by the Kountess and made to come back in and shamefully say their adieus. Doritos thinks it’s weird and unappreciative that they raced out like that. Mo, predictably, thinks the two asses she’s kissing proffered a “very nice and warm goodbye”. Well yes, for them.

Back in the city, Julie Toothpick continues to soldier through life without her nanny, who apparently was so full-service that her responsibilities included shaving Julie’s armpits, which Julie claims are now full of hair 3″ long. No wonder the nanny quit. The good news is that her dad is over the pneumonia and is going in for the hip replacement. The End. Meanwhile The Queen and Radzi are commisserating over avocado toast and complaining that Mo has invited them to a party. Queen B intends to do a “drive by”. Also they still think The Kountess is hypocritical about her sluttiness. AND NONE OF US CARE.

So time for Mo’s party, which we already know is going to suck. Interestingly, as the crowd develops there does not appear to be one single heterosexual male in attendance. What does this say about MEN not wanting to be around MO? The Kountess is first to arrive in a burgundy lace jumpsuit from her Kollection that makes her ass look YUGE. Mo, in her white rabbit sweater, basically tells her so. Lu don’t care. Queen B, in a Dynasty jumpsuit, and Radzi show up next to get their drive by clock ticking. The Kountess attempts to make nice with them AGAIN and they really aren’t having it although Queen B mumbles that she was overly nasty in the Berkshires because of work stuff. On Wednesdays we wear pink.

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After a bunch of small talk and side-eye whispering So Morgan enters the building. She’s wearing a red Elvis jumpsuit. As soon as Queen B gets a sniff she’s up and looking for her coat. The Kountess scuttles over to So and tells her she has five minutes to get her shit straightened out with The Queen, but as it turns out she only has more like five seconds because The Queen and Radzi do as they always do and climb out the fire escape. Poof!

Lu and Mo round up on So about whether she got to shout her intention to drop the Tipsygirl thing after The Queen as she skittered away down the block. So says no she didn’t, and no she won’t, either, and she never said she would and everyone is a big fat bitch because she didn’t even get a chance to TELL the Queen she wasn’t going to give an inch, which I thought was perfectly clear after their unfortunate last interaction anyway, because The Queen ran away, and she, So, should have been invited to Doritos to ruin that party even more! This lame party is the wrong place for So to try and fail to kiss The Queen’s ass; Doritos’ house would have been the right place! She shoulda been invited! Doritos meows that if So had been invited, some other people would not have come. So barks back that that just proves that “other people” are more important than she is. WHY does she want to be friends with these bitches? Someone needs to fetch the butterfly net.

Next time: Mo and So try to crap on Lu about Tom. Julie Toothpick gets jealous about the idea of a hot nanny (snore), and The Queen plans a big trip to Mexico and guess who she’s not going to invite?

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“If You Can’t Behave You Can All Go Home!” 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 9 Recap

As a flock of squawking geese and one crapping canine foreshadow, Doritos’ slumber party is about to devolve into an episode of shitshow bitchery.img_1815-1.jpg

When last we saw them, Queen B had exploded into the house and unleashed the kraken on Kountess Lu for having had the temerity to point out that their hair looks alike, and that she, the Kountess, had been present at the birth of the Skinnygirl Margarita. Which anyone who has historically watched this show knows is true; these two broads were out for a drink when The Queen introduced her low-cal cocktail idea to the masses. At the time I didn’t think it sounded too delicious but now I can’t drink a margarita any other way. I still couldn’t be identified as a “skinny girl”, though. My time will come. I can feel it.

Anyway, while The Queen might be feeling a little snarly, the Kountess is clearly here for a party so she blows past Queen B’s bared teeth and carries on in a social tone, asking the Queen what’s new in her life, personal or otherwise, which only makes The Queen madder. “You never tell LuAnn who you are dating or, God forbid, if they have a big penis,” she snaps to us, privately. What exactly goes on among these women that they might ever have occasion to provide or feel compelled to withhold information about a man’s member? The Queen pops up in a huff and stomps over to plant herself next to Mo, who is sitting next to the Kountess, and loudly whisper a barrage of physical threats against the Kountess for having had the NERVE to speak of or with The Queen without permission. 

The Kountess, of course, can HEAR this entire line, so she asks The Queen what’s the fuss? That’s when Queen B cracks wide open and attacks Lu for being “full of it”, “it” apparently being the large dicks of men all over the UES and sections of Downtown, to boot. She’s loaded for bear, and the bear she has in her exclusive sights is one named Lu.

As Radzi arrives and Doritos welcomes her in an effort to make things normal and holiday-festive, The Queen continues to loudly berate the Kountess, eyes narrowed and fangs bared, for not only not having asked Mo’s permission to date her current boyfriend, Tom, who Mo had gone to dinner with a few times, but further over some story some friend of hers came up with in which the Kountess moved in on said Tom by mounting him in the bar at the Mark Hotel and telling him she was “next”. Lu insists this is ridiculous. Radzi admires Doritos’ “happy” decor. I wish Radzi had washed her hair before coming to sleep on one of Doritos’ pillowcases. #ew

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While Mo preens over The Queen having picked her, The Queen is not done. Stalking Lu down in the kitchen and getting all nose-to-nose, she shrilly shrieks at her about the hair comment, about fucking a million men, about staying out drinking till 5 a.m., about playing Grey Gardens with So at the SoStone, for screwing a married man and a 25-year-old and giving someone else a hard time about doing the same whereas for her it’s appropriate. She’s a slut, a liar, a hypocrite, and a snake! She’s sick of the way that the Kountess lives and how she’s bringing guys home to the SoStone every night and thinks she’s a mentor and helping So rehab. And with that, the Queen stomps out in her Herman Munster boots. The Kountess realizes she has made a huge mistake and should have stayed home with So. Hey, she could have gotten screwed the conventional way!

The Queen storms upstairs to unload some more about how she feels like she just took a giant crap after a long stretch of constipation. This is the face of a post-constipation?

Maybe dropping the fiber drink from the Skinnygirl line of supplements wasn’t such a great idea.

The Kountess, meanwhile, storms outside for a smoke break with Julie Toothpick, who is trying to call the hospital to check on her dad. The doctor is coming in ten minutes and right now he’s incoherent and she’s upset. The Kountess, who cannot be bawthered, responds by tearfully complaining about how hurtful The Queen was and how she called her a slut. Julie tries to suggest there are bigger problems in the world, like IMPENDING DEATH, but Lu insists it’s just awful what The Queen just did to her and blows right past the issue of Julie’s dad being deathly ill and hospitalized. So, fine. Julie will play it her way. Doritos comes out to see if she can bum a smoke, and Lu unloads on her for failing to swop in and defend her from the evil Queen. Doritos insists she had no idea what was going on and missed the whole thing, and besides, in what etiquette book besides the Kountess’ does it impose a burden on hostesses to referee bitching broads? In my book, people who come to someone’s home to behave like an asshole get asked to leave and not come back.

Upstairs, The Queen howls with Radzi about how HILARIOUS it is that Doritos can’t have a “normal” party! No, she can’t – The Queen has to consistently ruin it. The Queen thinks Doritos should not be in the hospitality business. I think The Queen should not be on the invitation list. But it’s her show, so everyone is going to gaggle up on the bed and giggle with her – all but Lu, the lowly, left-out slut.

Lu, who is meowing that she can’t stay, but isn’t exactly going to leave, either, returns to the kitchen to pout and Mo runs behind, because she’s now The Caregiver, that Mo. She takes care of people, see. (Never mind that this whole fiasco is largely because Queen B is taking offense at a situation in which she, Mo Singer The Caregiver, was alleged to be the victim, and if she really wanted to be a caring person she would have settled this mess out rather than leave it to her Dear Friend Doritos to clean up.) As Mo laughs like a hyena, Lu makes the mistake of finding humor in the fact that she’s here being assailed at a non-birthday party at which a birthday cake – that one over there! – is going to be served.

Whoops. Making a joke about Ma’s cake, which wasn’t in fact homemade and may just have been revealed to be a number of days if not a week old, is where Doritos draws the line. And she’s approaching Stage 4 table-tossing. “I cooked all day! I decorated! I did it nice!” she shrieks, waving a wine bottle in the air like Poseidon’s staff. “I made it nice! If you can’t behave you can all GO HOME!” Meanwhile it’s 4:55 p.m. and the cold cuts are still out. 

Ohshit.

“Suck it up, suck it up,” Mo mutters, scampering around to warn the ‘Wives that mama ain’t happy ’cause someone insulted her cake. Lu whines that everything was fine until Queen B showed up, which may be true but tough shit. Let’s play games, or open presents, or at least do the polar bear plunge. SOMETHING. Presents wins. 

The Queen, who still has her coat on for some reason, realizes her asshole has been showing the whole time. 

Still, it’s really the Kountess’ fault that The Queen was made to be a complete shit, because she got all passive-aggressive about The Queen’s business enterprise, and as we know that ends badly for people. Oooh, ominous! Meanwhile none of us heard any passive-aggression about the Skinnygirl business coming from Lu. Also, The Queen doesn’t like to be around people she doesn’t like. That sounds more like the issue here.

Back in New York, So needs to find something to do so she goes to get her ladybits laser resurfaced on tonight’s episode of the So Morgan Vaginal Comedy tour. Snore. And don’t tell me that laser wand is any smaller or has any fewer flashing lights than the Kandi Koated one So keeps in her nighttable drawer (or that the nether So regions don’t see more battery-operated stimulation than actual human interaction. I am just not buying this maneating bit.)

So, okay: back in the Berkshires, Lu is trying to figure out how to salvage the situation with advice from Mo Singer, Caregiver. Radzi and Julie Toothpick easily slide into the wallpapered hallway closet to eavesdrop as Mo and Lu compose Nopology texts to both Radzi (“Sorry I called you a ‘pedafile’ and please come to my next party.”) and The Queen (“I never ever meant to imply that I was somehow involved in inventing the Skinnygirl Margarita, I was just there when you came up with the NAME, and I am sorry I miscommunicated even though I never, ever did and everyone who watched this episode totally realizes that. P.S. Your asshole is showing.”). SEND.

Lu and Mo venture into the library to play pool and see how Radzi, who is out of the closet and in there online shopping with Julie Toothpick, reacts to her text Nopology. Radzi pretends she has received no such text, which she has actually received, and received without a single stitch of humor or agreeability. The Queen, meanwhile, is upstairs in her cashmere onesie plumbing emotional depths with Doritos, who does not intend to spend the rest of her life with Big Fat John. What a relief! Radzi and Julie Toothpick pop in so they can talk about sluttiness and woman-on-woman action and I am just plain TAHHRD of listening to the Bethenny Banter tonight.

At 7:30, Doritos heads downstairs to cook the lasagna, hoping the maid has finally taken care of the bologna that’s been on the counter all day. Lu’s still hiding in the kitchen and pipes up again on the subject of how she met Tom, making sure the official version of her story is still straight with Doritos. And really, who is BETHENNY to question whether she’s dating, or sleeping around, or sleeping with just Tom, or anything? She must be deeply unhappy! and on a mission to ruin her friendships: first she goes after Big Fat John, then she goes after So, and now Lu? And, she’s also listening! Eavesdropping around the corner in her onesie. Terrif.

Next time: more of this shitshow between Queen B and Lu The Idiot Slut. Then it’s time for The Queen to have a holiday party and expect everyone to behave. Lu apologizes to Radzi, again, but slowly this time, and sets up So to apologize to The Queen and drop the prosecco line. But So ain’t gonna do it, loudly.

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Quaaludes in the Cookie Jar 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 8 Recap

In the last week this little mama has thrown two year-end pool parties, a dinner for 19, a birthday celebration, a sixth-grade promotion, and handled a visit from El Nana and assorted work hiccups, and now we’ve arrived at SUMMER! With Mr. Little Mama and Big off on a Naked & Afraid camping trip, I am ready to use this lull in the testosterone to finally check in with the estrogen brigade of New York City. Thank you for bearing with me, as usual.

We find our friends Julie Toothpick and Doritos test-sitting couches at Jonathan Adler. It seems Julie is helping Doritos redecorate, which isn’t such a bad idea. They are also shopping for Secret Santa gifts for a party Queen B is throwing, and Jonathan Adler has many options, including cookie jars labeled “Quaaludes” and “Uppers”, which would be perfect for Mo if it weren’t for the fact that Julie, who drew her, already has the perfect gift. (Doritos has The Queen and got her a vibrating Thighmaster.

Just put it between your knees and squeeze, Queenie!

So anyway, Doritos confides that after last week’s Moruption, she’s over it with her. She will be civil and behave herself when she has to be around her, but she no longer loves Mo and feels burned. She thinks Mo’s problem is that she wants to spread it like PB&J for Big Fat John, and she is about ready to let them do it so Mo can get it out of her system. Yeah, I am pretty sure that’s not it, but no wonder Mo is talking to media far and wide about how awful So is and how Doritos is the only friend for her. She’s been banished, and no amount of gifted RAMONA Pinot Grigio is going to fix this.

Speaking of the party, Queen B is prepping by ordering her minions about. It seems one is assigned the role of Caviar Girl but has accidentally come costumed as Elsa. Let it Go, B! Surrounded by her Real Friends™, which includes Radzi, Queen B updates the assembled on who is coming, which includes Mo, Doritos, and The New Girl Julie Toothpick, who Beth shares is half-Asian not that it won’t take Julie more than 35 seconds to point that out herself. We’ll wait. Meanwhile, Mo bursts in shouting that she needs a margarita, a water, and a glass of RAMONA Pinot Grigio and she’s gotta tell them a story. Eyes roll.

Not invited to this gathering of loved ones are The Kountess and So, who are instead parked on a couch in some corner of the Viagra Triangle to go through Lu’s side of the same story, which is helpful as I didn’t watch last week. It seems that among the four dudes The Kountess has been giving the boots, for a spell last summer there was this weird gay dude that she made the mistake of going to Ibiza with on one of the two dates she admits to having with him, at which point she realized he’s a total freak show and she bailed. (But not without giving him a party favor.) Somehow this odd bird named “Rey” got himself invited to the party Doritos and BFJ had the previous episode, and when he went all Single White Male on the Kountess, with Mo’s encouragement, she fled.

Mo is of course also telling this story at The Queen’s new apartment, which in her version heavily emphasizes BFJ putting his big fat sweaty red hands way too close to Mo’s face as he kicked her out for stirring the shit, which led to a big embarrassing fight between Mo and Doritos. Julie Toothpick pipes up that this is really only half the story, that this weird Rey was scaring the crap out of the Kountess and Mo was on the wrong side of the situation. Ooops. Just then, here comes Doritos and Mo demands everyone shut it down.

Doritos is so damn furious with Mo that she really wants to run when she sees her perched on the ottoman, nervously hectoring Doritos about what appetizers to eat and whether she wants the caviar on a pancake or a spoon. Doritos and Beth go hide in a corner so they can have a Signature Emotional Moment and The Queen Can Help. Doritos shares that Mo’s behavior has unlocked her inner sadness, and that she’s struggling with her daughter Hannah’s “transition”. Wait, what? Dear God, I don’t feel we are adequately prepared for a sex change here. The Queen feels Doritos needs to take time out to take care of herself and that she is afraid of being alone so she’s sticking with BFJ out of a lack of alternatives. Which is probably true, but ain’t gonna change. Meanwhile, Mo nervously licks caviar off a blini that Julie Toothpick actually then eats. Radzi is totally grossed out.

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Doritos comes back to the group and treats Mo perfectly kindly which is far more generous of spirit than we ever see from this group, or any other franchise, and then announces that she’s going to have a holiday gathering at her home in the Berkshires and is going to invite everyone except So (and of course these randoms of The Queen’s). She’s decides that the tension between So and The Queen is undesirable, and if one has to choose between the two… on the other hand, The Kountess will be invited, which makes Radzi uncomfortable, but who gives a shit about her? Mo is allowed to come, and starts smooching Doritos’ behind immediately, which she ignores. The Secret Santa gifts are the aforementioned Thighmaster, a silver bird Christmas ornament for Doritos, and wine drinking eyeglass straws for Mo, perfect for chocolate milk, or Pinot Grigio. I don’t think Radzi or the randoms got anything.

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Morning dawns at the SoStone, and a couple of hours later Laverne and Shirley rise to shake off their hangovers and face the day. It seems the Kountess has been sleeping out at her mystery main man’s apartment and had to do the walk of shame that morning. Surely she could get a car service?

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It also seems that the heat is not on at the SoStone, whether by mechanical or financial failure, so the ladies put fur jackets and men’s slippers on over their lingerie to share a schmear in the kitchen and discover themselves written up in Page Six over the party fiasco, in an article that heavily references a certain dry cleaning business and an associated sweaty red man. Lu didn’t know Mo got thrown out of the party – ha! So is annoyed; why is she getting called out for her party fouls, when Mo’s the one getting tossed?

On that note, So and Doritos and their fanny packs go for a very short walk so Doritos can inform So that she is not being invited to the holiday sleepover in the Berkshires and will instead be invited separately for a quiet, alcohol-free nap or something. Why does Doritos always sit down like a linebacker who needs space for his junk? So unloads on Doritos how hurt she is by Mo and how that horrible two-faced bitch is always talking shit about her to the other girls. This is why Doritos is not going to invite So to the overnight; to “protect” So from this sort of shenanigans. So is “blown away”; she insists the girls like her and she’s the life of the party and Mo is ruining it so SHE should not be invited. But So also realizes that she blew it big time with The Queen by starting her ripoff prosecco line and the bread is not buttered on her side.

The Kountess invites a select group of friends, which conspicuously does not include her roomie So but does include Doritos and Julie Toothpick, to meet her Snuffelupagus boyfriend, Tom. Not that anyone needs to be introduced to Tom, because he’s been around, having previously dated Mo, now known as The Troublemaker, and apparently also known So biblically, but who hasn’t? And it was Doritos herself to introduced Tom and Lu by phone this past summer, when he swooned for her sexy phone voice. BFJ, who has a total hard-on under the table, giggles and wants to know if Lu’s voice came through the phone all “moist” on Tom’s cheek. CRICKETS. Anyway, they were introduced then but didn’t start dating until right before Thanksgiving and now they are inseparable. Which means they’ve been screwing for maybe three weeks at this point because it’s allegedly pre-Christmas still when this scene was filmed.

Off we go to the Berkshires! Mo is first to arrive with her ratty little dog and without having phoned ahead to have an HVAC unit rudely delivered. The Berkshires are Doritos’ “sanctuary”, and she does not want tension, so it’s really setting a bad tone that she has to spend a whole lunch alone with Mo at this point. And that was before Mo’s dog crapped all over the house.

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Doritos tells Mo about The Kountess’ Snuffleupagus boyfriend and Mo has her suspicions as to his secret identity, having clearly been jilted by him herself. She sniffs that it’s very uncool for Lu to be dating this man and not to have even inquired to see if Snufflupagus and Mo are still involved. I don’t think Mo seriously needs to be asking that question.

And so Mo sulks in the living room while The Kountess and Julie Toothpick arrive and are greeted by Doritos. The Kountess scolds Mo for her lack of manners and gives her a Kountess Klass in proper behavior when a guest arrives when you are also a guest. Julie shares that her dad is in the hospital which, combined with her nanny quitting, makes her feel like she’s losing herself. Oh dear you delicate flower. Also, Doritos mother made her a homemade birthday cake, which is cute.

Done scolding Mo, The Kountess lays into Doritos for not inviting So, who is “so upset”. Doritos is not budging on this one, because now that she’s a veteran she knows how to pick her lane and clearly So is marginally FOH this season. And if it was so wrong of her, why isn’t it wrong for Lu to have come and left her roomie behind? Lu, flustered, chatters about how there’s an applicable social exemption because it’s Doritos’ birthday, except it’s not. Oops. Doritos firmly believes it would not be good for So to be around “alcohol and tension”, meaning Queen B. Lu thinks they should be thrown into a cage match. Mo thinks so needs to take care of herself, stop with all the “silly” businesses, and eliminate all the untrustworthy people she surrounds herself with, which is about the most reasonable thing Mo Singer has ever uttered.

Just then, the Queen Herself blows in. Lu laughs that she’s copying the Kountess’ hair; The Queen narrows her eyes to slits and tells The Kountess that she’s copying the mantle. Queen B tells all that So is barraging her with texts; “you can imagine what it’s like for me,” pipes up Lu, which seems rather disloyal. Lu shares that she’s just living with So to keep her company and try to “mentor” her, which earns a barking HA HA HA from the Queen. “It’s the blind leading the deaf!” she howls. Lu is rightly offended. Beth insists she cannot be less threatened by So’s prosecco, but she’s furious that So tried to barnacle herself to Beth to get attention for herself. But of course so does Lu, who has told anyone who will listen that she gave The Queen the idea for Skinnygirl. Uh oh.

Next time: while So’s getting her nether regions zapped, Lu is taking it from all angles between Mo and The Queen. And Doritos finally snaps and throws all the bitches out! GO Doritos! Till then…

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Takes One to Know One 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 5 Recap

Why do animal problems only happen when the man of the house is elsewhere? Last Wednesday my kids and I spent 40 frantic minutes trying to scoot a giant – I mean like 5″ long – grasshopper out of the kitchen. It was like Jurassic Park. We finally did shoo it out, but by that time I was nearly too spent for RHONY. And what a bizarre and perplexing episode! It was like Festivus came early!

After so clearly thriving in each other’s company at the schmear, Radzi and Doritos are meeting Julie Toothpick for Asian food that only Doritos will really eat. Radzi seems somewhat ill at ease, whether that’s because she knows she was an asshole when last they met or whether it’s because this whole gathering is entirely contractually-obligated, who knows. But Julie explodes through the doorway, shattering into a million tiny toothpicks, plops down at the table, and begins to breathlessly unload her many grievances against Queen B. Which are: that Queen B was incredibly rude to come to Julie’s house, criticize her taste and renovation strategy, tell her how to spend her money, and pick apart Julie’s eating habits (or lack thereof). Yes! Yes! Yes! For God’s sake, she even made fun of your husband’s height a few weeks ago! She’s awful! But then Julie follows it up with a sniffy declaration that Queen B’s house is smaller and less valuable and that in fact the Queen is “new money” and she, Julie Toothpick, being OLD money, doesn’t know who the Queen thinks she’s looking down upon. NOOOOOOO! My God, woman, your money is what, ten minutes older? You had me until you started timing the receipts. LAWD.

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Doritos and Radzi skip right past the tacky and encourage Julie to have a tawk with The Queen. She’s very understanding, you know. And does not hesitate to apologize when she’s called out. That’s true, but she also tends to carry on exactly as she pleases anyway (not unlike someone else we know – AHEM MO SINGER), and her rude behavior at the schmear is pretty much Bethenny 1.0 so apology or not, Julie Toothpick should brace herself for more of the same.

Uptown at the SoStone, the aforementioned Mo is stopping by in honor of her divorce being final, and in order to tell So all the things she’s doing wrong. See, not only is So taking a small eternity to get over her forever-ago divorce, but she wasn’t invited to the Hamptons this weekend. So tries to claim she didn’t WANT to go because she was hanging out with her Snuffleupagus daughter or something, but Mo is not going to let her scoot out on this one: So was Unvited, because she’s a sloppy drunk and no one wants to be seen with her. So is like a deer in headlights. Mo insists she’s doing the loving true-friend thing, giving her dear, dear friend unsolicited advice just short of an intervention ON CAMERA. Somehow I don’t think So is going to easily breeze past this. And why need she? She has the Kountess moving in, like a modern day UES Laverne & Shirley! Mo is horrified: that Kountess is nothing short of a two-bit hooker, guzzling booze and spreading it like peanut butter and jelly uptown, downtown, all around. It’s the last thing So needs! They’re gonna do it!

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OK, so now the Skinnygirl and the skinny girl are going to have “lunch”. Which is basically going to be oxygen with air sauce, I can see it already. Julie is clearly terrified of the Queen and kicks things off by rambling and shambling until The Queen cuts her a break, tells her what an asshole she, The Queen, was, lists her own faults and missteps, and apologizes. There, doesn’t that feel better? Apparently it does, because out of nowhere Julie unloads a confession that in high school/college she had a raging case of anorexia that got her down to 80 lbs and forced her to drop out for a period of time.

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This news is, naturally, extremely emotional for The Queen. Because: her mother had an eating disorder! Not because she’s at all remotely concerned for her new almost-friend’s welfare, no. No, that horrible wolf who raised The Queen in nightclubs and hotel rooms didn’t eat. But whatever, they bond over this. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Next, Mo has her fellow single ladies, The Queen and Radzi, over for lunch at the Mopartment to prepare them for her upcoming birthday lunch. Mo wants Radzi to know that The Kountess is Koming, and Radzi don’t care. The Queen, however, is tweaked with The Kountess, and it’s all because this past summer when Queen B hosted her RHOBH crossover event dinner at which she was perfectly awful to Erika Girardi, The Kountess tried to wangle an invitation and was quite relentless about it. So there’s that ahead. On the other hand, things are now great between Queen B and that other skinny girl, which seems to tick Radzi off altogether. I think we’re feeling a little jealous.

Doritos and Julie Toothpick meet for pedicures.

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Julie is delighted to have taken Doritos’ advice and announces that she and Queen B have totally made nice and bonded over anorexia and everything is now terrific. Doritos is genuinely thrilled, and shares that she, too, has seen the light and decided she’s not bringing Big Fat John out anywhere with her again, because he’s an attention whore and a bear-poker and generally a force for destruction. Plus she won’t have to put out as much this way.

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Radzi attempts to Skype with The Help, who is in Ethopia making a movie. He’s doing what? I thought he was a chef? Whatever. Radzi gets all memorific about her days trotting the globe in search of news as a correspondent for ABC, and says she wants to enjoy this relationship with The Help while she can because she only has “a few good years left” and he wants to have kids, which is clearly not gonna happen with Radzi unless she hooks up with Janet Jackson’s doctor. But this Skype date is short-lived, because The Help has other stuff to do, like eat lunch and whatever, maybe screw another one of The Kountess’ nieces. Later.

It’s Turtle Time! I feel like we’ve been here before. And, we have! I think this is the very same venue that hosted Mo’s last birthday, and these are the same people, and their faces are just as taut as if they are tightly wrapped in Saran Wrap as they were last year. And, they are all wearing red. Adios, Ramona Blue! Only Queen B has changed, having cut her hair. Like, months ago. All the other ladies are fixated on the hair change and Beth is doing her perplexed, you-people-are-crazy-I’m-the-only-sane-one thing. Maybe, just maybe, they have nothing else to talk to her about and are trying to make nice.

Everyone progressively rolls in, including So, who was actually invited to something and arrives super-late and not entirely on dress code like she couldn’t be bawthered but made it from Gstaad on her flying unicorn just in time. Even later than So is Julie Toothpick, and the two are finally given their first introduction. Radzi refuses to let The Queen out of her sight for fear the Toothpick might come between them. Finally, The Kountess bursts in, blows past The Queen and The Actual Princess, and barrels in on Mo, to whom she presents a gift: it’s a necklace from the Kountess’ HSN kollection that she actually gave Mo months ago, but it immediately broke so Lu had it fixed. You’re welcome.

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The Kountess has another gift, in fact, and it’s not for Mo. No, she’s brought The Queen a very expensive monogrammed handbag, and bows down to present it. Why she didn’t bring this rather than a hula hoop to The Queen’s birthday barbecue I do not know, but The Queen is bewildered and Mo is personally offended. But it appears The Kountess can only supplicate one at a time, and knows what side her bread is buttered on.

The Queen takes The Kountess aside to tell her she’s really quite annoyed with her after she tried to crash her crossover event. Also, there have been other things. So she really doesn’t think they are really friends. The Kountess is astounded. She not only thinks they are BFFs, matching heart necklaces and all, but she considers The Queen FAMILY. Family she really needed having Noel finally go off to college and moving apartments and The Change and all that. So whether The Queen wants her or not, The Kountess wants The Queen, and so it shall be.

Finally, Mo’s new best and better friend, Doritos, arrives in a halo of sunshine and angel-singing. She’s completely tweaked with Mo for having been so perfectly awful about Big Fat John and embarrassing her by floating foul statements he made about Doritos’ ladybits on national television, and she thinks Mo is jealous of her amazing relationship. And she says all this pretending Mo is not sitting right next to her listening. Mo’s eyes widen, as only Mo’s eyes can widen without popping out of her head. But then, Doritos gets up and gives a truly lovely toast about how right after she was widowed, it was none other than Mo Singer who dragged her out of bed to attend her birthday lunch and be surrounded by all the friends who care for her, and so here they are to do the same for Mo upon her divorce which I hope we can stop talking about now. “To the ladies who lunch!” Doritos salutes. Ching ching!

Next time: Radzi hosts a psychic reading, and we all know how that’s gonna turn out. And it’s So’s birthday! Eat before you leave the house!

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“He’s Just Gross” 🍎 RHONY Season 8 Episode 4 Recap

I’m back and ready to recap while some happy potheads wash my windows. We pick things up fresh off ‘the elderly’ fighting and sneaking smokes out on the sidewalk. You totally knew Doritos and Julie Toothpick smoked.

What I wasn’t expecting was a full on shot of Doritos’ motion control undergarments.  

That girdle does not look like Yummie Tummie to me.

Anyhoo, we’re out in the Hamptons and Queen B is hosting a festive “tailgate” party that involves no football, cars, or anything else generally involved in tailgating. It’s just a barbecue, and Queen B’s excuse to wear her pristine Timberland boots and fuzzy plaid jacket. She’s so, like, woodsy. And #blessed.

While the Queen lines up her Skinnygirl bottles and makes sure the labels all have ideal camera placement, Doritos and Big Fat John are returning from a “walk” to Julie Toothpick’s house. They are supposedly staying there, although upon entry they stop to admire the children’s piano in the front hallway which sort of begs the question whether they left this house in the first place. They are all going to hit the showers and then head over to The Queen’s country residence, even Big Fat John who Doritos fully expects to apologize for maligning The Queen and accusing her of stealing the Skinnygirl brand name from his friend who owns Skinny Cow. Which is TOTALLY NOT the same thing and there’s more than enough room in this world for both without any confusion whatsoever. I mean, God. It’s dairy for chrissake. Skinny Cow can have the whole market on dairy, I’m sure that’s fine with The Queen.

Radzi arrives at Queen B’s with her ratty looking dog, Baby, who needs a bath even more than Radzi does. I love her, but she needs to wash her hair. And her dog. Couldn’t she come up with a more clever name than Baby? Anyway, she’s first on the scene which offers a chance for her and Queen B to gossip about Doritos. They pity her because she’s in a “dramatic” (read: a hair shy of emotionally abusive) relationship, a subject The Queen intends to “back off” from because otherwise BFJ may commence litigation. Radzi is struggling with her own party anxiety because The Kountess is coming and they are still embroiled in a whole bunch of unnecessary social media blather about Radzi knocking boots with The Help.

Finally the short bus rolls up and a whole passel of guests pile out in cowboy boots and ponchos. The theme of this gathering seems to have engendered significant confusion. The Queen offers a signature beverage choice of Moscow mules in the appropriate copper mugs, or spiked hot chocolate, which she serves in disposable Skinnygirl paper cups. She couldn’t have come up with logoed coffee cups? Very earth-unfriendly.

Julie Toothpick and her tiny husband teeter in with Doritos and lumbering BFJ and immediately all four of them assume their uncomfortable positions, BFJ because he was not invited, Doritos because she still can’t sufficiently justify this relationship, and the Tiny Toothpicks because this party offers nothing but pork products. NOT Kosher. Queen B darts back and forth from the backyard booze hut to the front yard barbecue hut on wheels dramatically avoiding Big Fat John and chattering endless complaints about him to whichever minion is nearest. Radzi pities him because he’s all sweaty and misshapen. Queen B thinks he’s just gross. Doritos thinks The Queen should be nice to those she invited to her house, but that’s sort of the thing, because Big Fat John was not invited. But he wasn’t specifically NOT invited, and it’s not like Production really wanted Doritos to show up without her plus one because BFJ is sort of her storyline. The Kountess, on the other hand, came alone, late to make an entrance, and brought her hula hoop. Why do I suspect she uses that as a sex toy?

Having herded the hamsters back to the rear hut, The Queen races past BFJ clutching an armful of sticks and shouts that they are all going to make s’mores now and tear foreskins off marshmallows. The Jewish Tinys cringe, as do I. This is The Kountess’ chance to corner Radzi and have it out, insisting they both said “hurtful” things, or at least Radzi did and The Kountess did nothing unkind whatsoever during her months-long Twitter tirade about Radzi screwing The Help. Finally they agree to not be friends but be nice to each other when they see each other, which is modeling good choices for The Queen. And that’s enough s’mores and the anorexia parade dismounts the roasting zone. 

The Queen now realizes she’s been set up to look like the lone asshole left, so she takes Big Fat John aside to get it over with. They accuse each other of being “opportunists”; The Queen thinks Big Fat John is taking advantage of vulnerable Doritos, while BFJ thinks The Queen’s taking advantage of product placement opportunities.  I think they are both right and that it takes one to know one. This, of course, resolves nothing other than confirming there’s more than one asshole left, and afterward The Queen feels badly and decides she needs to issue a ceasefire decree for Doritos’ sake, gross as Big Fat John may be. He smiles and nods like a fat fed Cheshire cat and thinks he’s won. You just wait, BFJ. Your time will come.

Julie Toothpick has invited everyone to her place in The Hamptons for a morning schmear, and even though her place is technically in The Hamptons it’s like nine Hamptons over from Queen B’s country residence.
The Queen bitches and moans like the Tinys live in the worthless sticks, but I am pretty sure Water Mill is considered several steps above Bridgehampton, where The Queen parks it. But I don’t actually have any idea what I am talking about. I lust for The Queen’s roadster and wonder why it has Pennsylvania plates and no apparent Skinnygirl logo.

Queen B has hauled Radzi along with her and their plan is to make a break for it and go to lunch after. Then why come at all? Big Fat John opens the door for them and the Queen literally runs through like she’s having a bathroom emergency before parking her bony ham on a stool and commencing to pick apart all aspects of the Tinys fabulous, 20,000 square foot house. She scoffs at the lack of furniture, the seven year renovation plan, the indoor pool, the prospects for resale. Toothpick Julie narrows her eyes almost to the width of her thighs. Who is this bitch and why is she in her kitchen?

While the Tinys, Doritos, and Big Fat John brunch like normal people, Radzi and Queen B carry on like the brattiest pair of bitches this side of seventh grade, snarking about how Julie Toothpick doesn’t eat carbs (or anything), loudly plotting to make a break for it, and hoping allergic BFJ gets stung by the bee that’s in the house. Finally The Kountess shows up with “Paul”, who stayed for breakfast, and Mr. Tiny invites them all on a tour. We get as far as the indoor pool before the mean girls run for it, nearly sliding into dog poop as they flee, howling with laughter. Because they are just SOOOO funny, these two! Mortifyingly rude. Someone needs a lesson from The Kountess.

Next time: Julie Toothpick takes on The Queen; Mo explains to So why she’s being cut out; and it’s Mo’s birthday! She’ll get turtle tanked if she likes it!

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That’s IT! 💎 Announcing the RHOBH Strike

Another season of Housewives, another abandonment on my part. The only guilt I feel is for letting you all down. But come ON, people: have any of us been enjoying this?

Three weeks later and I am still jacked up like this:

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It’s killing me, smalls. With the wheels hanging off, I actually watched and took notes and photos on the third-to-last episode of RHOBH, got it 95% written, never finished it, and never mustered the energy or will to watch what was left of the season. For a couple of reasons:

1) last Wednesday, when I was really struggling with many things not the least of which was the situation pictured above that just exacerbates everything, I was unloading my Festivus list of complaints during my Wednesday KidTaxi Service when Big quite reasonably attempted to help by suggesting I get a hobby. A HOBBY?! For fuck’s sake!

But I realized he’s entirely right: I do have hobbies – lots of them! – and I am not getting to enjoy them in the least. Writing, and writing this blog, is my most favorite hobby. It gives me a great deal of satisfaction to express my thoughts, but it’s time consuming and takes a fair amount of commitment, and when the content is largely writing about a pack of ridiculous women, that content needs to carry a lot of appeal for me to push aside all the things that need to be done and matter to everyone else in my immediate household and general vicinity in order to divert the time and attention to such amusements as a pure hobby.

2) Which is ultimately the problem: as with last season of RHOC, there has been nothing whatsoever appealing, nor any amusement, with this season of RHOBH. What’s more, there hasn’t even been anything resembling Real in all the goings-on among these “real” “Housewives”. The whole drama surrounding everything Yo-related this season is as frustrating to me as everything involving Donn2 last season, in no small part because the whole storyline is so contrived. Not the “is she sick” thing, but the way it’s playing out.

The whole crisis between the Lisas about what exactly LVP said and what she was trying to do boils down to this: these women, especially the veteran women, line up off camera to tee up storylines. You know they do! They talk about what’s going on, and the SMART ones who have been at this rodeo a while get their stories in order and their allegiances lined up so that they – hopefully – stay on the sunny side of the street and get to gawk. The newer ones, like Lipsey, start to catch on to some degree, but unless they are hard-core into the kool-aid of the other ladies or there purely to craft themselves into some form of Bethenny 2.0 and actually have a fairly well-developed idea of what that is going to be, usually find themselves along the sidelines wearing some of the flung poop.

Two seasons ago in the OC, it was Tammy and Heather and painfully naive new Housewife Shannon, whose social awkwardness with not just the existing ‘Wives but also her own, wayward husband found herself teed up unawares. Last season, Shannon got smart enough to know how to play the game, and while the OG Vic was distracted by the skeeve she couldn’t shake plopped her straight into the blender, capably operated by brand-new and not-stupid ‘Wife Meghan.

This season in BH, I am certain LVP and Kyle were engaged in plenty of snarky sideline conversation about Yo, and that Lipsey was present for or part of plenty of it. So when she popped up in her swank bell-bottoms to announce that her colorist had mentioned this sort of weird array of symptoms and behavior could be something called Munchausen’s Syndrome, it was like LVP won The Price Is Right! Come on down! And off she went to draw Lipsey into the discussion of how to play this out – which, because it breaches the fourth wall, cannot be incorporated directly into the on-camera discussion. But Lipsey, stupidly, failed to appreciate that not only was this her opportunity to get on the NoYo bus with her best-option girls, but that if she tried to fight it, she’d eventually get run over. And that’s exactly what happened.

And that’s why I am so annoyed with this show: it’s not enough to wade past all the stuff that goes unsaid but talked around which is, largely, the plotting and intentionality that goes into arranging oneself as a “Housewife”. It’s really, fiercely irritating when what they ARE doing is not only not aspirational, not silly, not funny, not fun, but worst of all FIGHTING about the plotting and intentionality they are not supposed to be talking about. I really have better things to do than take the time to watch, digest, and analyze that. They are bullcaca people professionally selling bullcaca, and I am not buying.

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So: I’m done with RHOBH, and OC too. They both desperately need a full-flung recast on a regular basis to keep things fresh and, literally, real, and if they aren’t going to do it, I’m not bothering with it. I want to write more, again, about more not-TV stuff. And I am optimistic for this season of RHONY and will give it a go; I’m honestly sort of enjoying watching Queen B self-destruct in the likability department, and the three things New York has always had in spades are ridiculousness, legitimate wealth and access, and New York itself. And being on Wednesdays gives it a much better chance to find an open spot on my schedule. So again, I am truly sorry for letting you all down. I can’t do it all, but I’ll do what I can.

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 “Muu Muu Converted” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 17 Recap

After months of inconsistency, you are about to receive a reasonably timely RHOBH recap, thanks to this:

 

Please ignore the mess.

I sprained my knee in a freak night-terror incident the other day, so I’ll be on hiatus from regular activity for a while here. What better distraction than these ridiculous broads from the BH?

We’re still in NYC for the Global Lyme Gala, and a gentleman is here to enhance Yo’s classic Dutch beauty with what I assume to be spackle made from strictly organic beets and cacao pods. Yo hasn’t had makeup on for 11 months nor has she had Botox in three years. AND she’s been in that ratty bathrobe for the last 14 months! At first I thought she’d said she has been in the bathroom for 14 months which I am sure one would feel was the case if you had a foot-long worm in your intestine as Yo has told us she has.

Yo is the star of this event and she’s getting by with just one makeup man and the daylight streaming through a window. Erika Jayne, on the other hand, requires the assistance of a crew of two that follow her everywhere, and significant professional-grade equipment. Meet Laurentius and Priscilla. I am sure they were born with those names. Spackling completed, it’s time for the requisite Erika Jayne Instagram post. She feels mounting this coffee table will show off her assets to their most flattering effect.

Which is when Kyle, in her super-prim school uniform Mumsie dress, enters from behind.

If they weren’t true blue BFFs before they are now.

So off we got to the Cipriani for the Global Lyme Alliance Gala for 600 people. It’s a beautiful space but confusing to me as I always assumed the Cipriani was some sort of restaurant and not a giant event hall. Maybe I am confusing it with Le Cirque. Anyway, Joe Jonas is here because at the time he was Darling Gigi’s boyfriend, and Yo is delighted to see him even though if I had a daughter that is NOT the Jonas I would leave my child alone with. Also here is Tommy Hilfiger because apparently his daughter Ally also has Lyme and is also getting an award. Did anyone besides me watch Rich Girls on MTV about ten years ago, where Ally and her lesser known BFF caroused about living large? Apparently Ally has had Lyme since she was SEVEN years old and was not diagnosed until she was 21 and now considers herself cured. Good for her!

Yo’s award is, of course, presented by her most favorite child, Gigi, and in her acceptance speech Yo thanks her “courageous” (if soon-to-flee) husband GHDF for his actions that speak louder than words and for standing by her during this romance-free saga, and her #2 and #3 children, who, she reveals, also have Lyme.

Kyle, predictably, reacts with tears, and deflection. How could she even have been in the ROOM with that horrible Lipsey Rinna who has cast such cruel doubt on Yo’s journey? Oh, and don’t forget that Lady Pump, she was in there, too! Erika hopes that Yo’s speech will close the door on doubt or misunderstanding. Kyle says yes, she is not going to permit any further conversations about Yo and her health crisis. That’ll last.

(Oh, and also: Yo tells Kyle that in fact #2 and #3 didn’t want her talking to people about them having Lyme, but as a mother “you will do anything”. Presumably this means anything to get them healthy, even if it means calling attention to them when they don’t want it. Presumably this also means that if Mo, as their father, declined to share that information with others, or if he never was told in the first place, then perhaps others’ confusion and/or repeating his denial, as Lady Pump did, isn’t all that ill-intended, no?)

Speaking of Lady Pump, she has to go to London to get her passport renewed on the fly in order to go to Dubai. As a Housewife she isn’t better prepared than this? Before she goes, she presents poor neglected Max A BRAND NEW CAR! Come on down, Max Pump! He’s been working hard and bussing tables like a pro, which actually he is, so she’s happy to upgrade his ride to this sleek black Jeep Wrangler. In which he will promptly smoke. Lady Pump Loves You!

Back in LA, it’s time to pack for our upcoming Housewives Field Trip. This is proving to be very difficult for Lipsey Rinna, who is trying to sort out what ten outfits to take, whether she can or cannot wear a bikini, how she is going to keep that little birdie from flying up, and whether or not Harry Hamlin can manage the schedule for the little Hams while she is away. Eileen, meanwhile, is performing chiropractic work on Vinny so he doesn’t get all jacked up throwing away her old lady lamps while she’s out of town.

Erika Jayne, of course, is not coming alone. No, she’s bringing her full glam squad plus their support staff, and also a published and bound “look book” of all her outfit options, plus accessories. Why does she need the look book if she is bringing the committee? Regardless, no the other ladies don’t know she’s bringing an entourage, so these poor fools are going to be stuck making the 24-hour flight to Dubai back with the chickens.

The ‘Wives, meanwhile, are flying Delta One, which is apparently Delta’s first class operation. At LAX it naturally has its own entrance and celebrity passenger storage area.

Erika Jayne has dressed in favor of comfort, which makes sense, and has chosen a sequin Tweety sweatshirt, which does not.

Eileen, meanwhile, has elected to dress as a farmer.  

And away they go!

Yo is, of course, staying behind in LA. Because she is (a) sick, as we ALL KNOW, (b) packing up the Yo Chateau for good, and (c) entertaining a visit from the banished Glands. who quite mysteriously now looks like a longer version of Adrienne Maloof of all people.

The Glands giraffes on in and makes herself at home in Gigi My Beloved’s room. After catching up a bit on The Glands’ Tinder activities (dating likeable men with short arms), married life with GHDF (for now, they continue to be “making lemonade”), and #2’s relationship with The Weeknd (who can’t feel his face) it’s Yo’s big chance to throw Lipsey Rinna into the yawning mouth of the Glands Cannon, sharing that Lipsey was all bent out of shape that Yo had lunch with Kim and The Glands, and also that she said Yo has Munchausen’s. Which isn’t exactly what she said, but anyway. The Glands thinks wig glue is affecting Lipsey’s brain and that she needs to eat something and stop “preying on the weak”. I kind of think Lipsey’s problem is that she is the weak one.

Anyway: Dubai. They are shacking up at the Atlantis Palm Dubai, which basically looks like the Caribbean Atlantis we’ve all seen in commercials except the bridge connecting the two buildings is all exotic Aladdin’s Lamp-shaped. It’s very Vegas, and very remote from downtown Dubai. I mean, it’s dark! Where is all the big city that Dubai is famous for?

Kyle, our Hostess, talks very loudly and slowly to the gal at check-in, who nods and books her into a $40K-a-night suite with Lady Pump in response. Lipsey and Eileen are getting their own rooms (Eileen’s being underwater), while Erika Jayne has to bunk with Kathryn. Where are her manservants going to go? Rollaways in the lounge?

Apparently these broads are not the least bit tired because off they go to refresh and put on their caftaniest caftans for dinner. Kyle’s is, of course, Kyle’s Technicolor Dreamcaftan.

But she’s got nothing on Lady Pump, who is full-on Elizabeth Taylor.  Just putting her hair up makes her look ten years younger. Mr Pump should try it!  Not everyone got the message, though, specifically Kathryn, who is denied a second cheek kiss by Kyle before being sent off to change out of the ugly brown librarian dress she wore. They sit down on the floor like real Dubaians to eat hummus and baba ghanoush, and Kyle, who not ten minutes ago announced she was going to put an absolute halt to any further discussion of Yo’s health, immediately brings up Yo, saying she wishes Yo’s health would have permitted her to come.

Erika pipes up that she wishes Lipsey was at the big gala to get the hammer dropped on her bony ass all her questions answered. Lipsey responds that she never doubted that Yo was ill, but she questions whether Yo uses it to her advantage to shield herself from people and blame and accountability for her choices. I’m not sure what “choices” she’s talking about, and Erika demands to know if Lipsey really thinks Yo would choose to miss her daughters at Fashion Week if she didn’t have to. Lipsey says that’s her opinion. Erika thinks she’s wrong, and would find it tiring to be so pointlessly opinionated.

Eileen, of all people, AGREES. She doesn’t get Lipsey’s deal about Yo being all manipulative or why it’s still a “thing”. Lady Pump pipes up that it’s a big deal that Lipsey is in the dog house but Kim and The Glands, who are worser offenders (for God’s sake, The Glands called #2, then a minor, an alcoholic, on television), are not. That’s right, says Lipsey, she feels held to a higher standard than those bitches. Which: she should be! In what universe other than Bravo Universe would those three occupy the same category? Erika says that Yo texted to ask if she could bail on the dinner because she had expended all her energy on Kim and The Glands, Erika said it was fine, the end. Lipsey then asks how she felt about that dinner party after all, and Erika says it sucked, thanks! And off they go to the terrace for a toast, Kyle not having made a single peep to shut this shitshow down.

Next time: camels, walruses, and hookahs, oh my! And it’s Lipsey and Eileen against the mean girls.

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“We Should Be Honest About That” 💎 RHOBH Season 6 Episode 16 Recap

As we continue to experience Much Ado About Lyme Disease, our fearless journeywoman Yo FaceTimes her favorite child, the lovely Gigi, to check in on her most recent modeling experience. Who is this tiny person escorting Yo down the aisle in the wedding photo in the background?

Is that Paul Williams, who I remember well from his many appearances on The Love Boat?

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Very peculiar. Anyway, Yo is still largely confined to the YoCondo, but she’s venturing out to New York in two weeks to give a big speech at some Global Lyme event, and she hasn’t written her speech. GHDF doesn’t know why she doesn’t give the one she gave the last time, but times have changed and she needs to update using her one unscrambled brain cell. I, too, am operating on one unscrambled brain cell these days so I feel her plight. Anyway, all “the girls” are invited, so we’re at least getting out onto one slightly interesting Housewives Field Trip this season.

Meanwhile, Kathryn has realizes she’s shouting at people and is getting hearing aids. She is immoderately excited about this, as is Mr. Kathryn who is hoping she’ll dial it down now. Kathryn realizes she needs to apologize for being so loud and obnoxious at the Girardis’ recent dinner and blames her deafness. I think the solo pre-party she seems to have had before leaving the house may also have played a role. Kathryn looks entirely too much like another loud, brassy Housewife prone to throwing legs for my personal taste.

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Camille Grammer is having a jewelry fundraiser for endometrial cancer at the fabulous Chateau Camille which she has still been unable to unload. Yo has gotten up and out for this affair because she “shares a journey” with Camille, who as we recall was treated for endometrial cancer a few years ago and got into a nasty physical fight with her “Greek god” boyfriend in the middle of it all. Camille is showing a lotta skin and her still tight Barbie physique tonight. Yo is looking alarmingly House of Cards.

So of course all the other women are invited and Lipsey is uncomfortable being around Yo, who she doesn’t trust, whereas Kathryn is so comfortable with Lady Pump that she’s taken to calling her new friend “Pumpy”. Lady Pump sure does look like she’s pumped something up.
My lands!

So at the party they all end up in a corner nibbling out of Chinese takeout boxes, and Yo picks up a bad vibe from Lipsey using her newfound, Lyme-bestowed Spidey sense and confronts her. Lipsey gets all whimpery that she saw Kimmy Richards’ photo of herself and The Glands and Yo from brunch the day of the night that Yo bailed on the Girardis dinner party and is upset. Yo snaps back that she went to a belated birthday lunch with her much more devoted friends, and then ran out of gas and that’s that. Which seems fair enough to me, but Lipsey keeps whining about Kimmy hashtagging the photo with “#realfriends”, to which Yo responds that she didn’t post the photo so don’t blame her for the hashtags.

Apparently what we are experiencing here are “trust issues” between Lipsey and Yo, who really doesn’t appear to give a shit or so much as a single lemon. Lipsey is frustrated; she felt this was her one chance to address the recluse, and surprise, surprise, you can’t speak your mind with anyone who is sick. Yo, Lipsey declares, can “get away with anything”. Anything? Hmm. Lady Pump puts an end to this silliness by pointing out that Erika doesn’t care so why should Lipsey? Lipsey continues to pout that “something false” is going on.

Well, enough about that, everyone goes home and the next night or some other time Rumbly Mauricio convenes a dinner al fresco at the Malibu Cafe to thank everyone for coming out to help at his Habitat build. Everyone but Yo and Eileen are there, and Kyle is super excited to invite them all on a “girls trip” to Dubai, from which Mauricio has just returned. Yay, let’s go to Dubai, where we will have our passports retained upon arrival and can vacation under constant surveillance and in fear of accidentally breaching the moral code.

Did you know Lady Pump loves dogs? She does. She LOVES DOGS. And she’s very upset that there’s a city in China where they eat dogs at an annual festival, so she’s going to host a protest. And she’s getting a little ticked off because everyone is bailing on showing up, specifically Eileen, who wants to enjoy a “day off” for a change. Lady Pump snarks that she, too, would like a day off. However, I think Eileen lives a lot further away from the protest site so maybe she could be slightly more understanding. The whole thing devolves into a bunch of bickering about whether or not Lady Pump is manipulative and whether or not Yo called Lipsey “bipolar” and whether Eileen’s direction to Yo and Lipsey to “hug it out” was premature. This is basically all the squabbling I’ve skipped the past few weeks so I really don’t get it or care. The dinner ends with Lady Pump and Kyle telling Lipsey she’s a “follower”, whereas they LEAD. And Kyle is going to lead them all to Dubai, kids!

Protest time!

Lipsey, Kathryn, and Kyle come and they march straight down Wilshire Boulevard on a Sunday morning when absolutely not a soul is around, and accidentally stage their protest in front of a church before realizing the Chinese embassy is on the next block. I thought this was “Kyle’s town”; doesn’t she know where she is? And does she know she’s looking just like Morticia Addams?
An unfortunate soul hoists Lady Pump onto his shoulders so she can shout through a bullhorn and he looks like he’s being crushed. Dogs are saved, we hope.

Enough of that, it’s time to go to New York! Mr. Girardi is going to jet them there on his way somewhere else, so with that opportunity you know Kyle isn’t gonna miss it. Nor is Kathryn, who really barely knows Yo but she’s coming anyway. She apologizes to Mr. Girardi for being obnoxious and drunk at his dinner party and he waves her off and goes and sits someplace else.

Meanwhile, the outcasts Lipsey and Eileen meet up at a luggage store to whisper about the Mean Girls. They are excited and terrified to be going to Dubai, and it’s unclear whether it’s all about the culture, or at least partly about their companions. Eileen thinks she and Lady Pump just “don’t get each other” (you don’t say!), whereas Lipsey feels invisible. Eileen says she has no balls and Lipsey agrees. She’s plain intimidated, and feels like the scapegoat. This trip is gonna be GREAT!

They’ve arrived in New York and the Fosters are at least pretending to be staying in the “Martin Katz Suite” of the Lotte Hotel. Yo propels GHDF down the stairs to perform his remaining marital duties at a cocktail party to receive the people who have come to celebrate Yo at her Lyme event. She needs to get new bras now that she’s removed the enhancements.

In an enchanting display of marital unity, Yo takes to the baby grand to pluck out “Frere Jacques” before her overwhelmingly talented and genius husband chimes in and takes it up a level. They are just so charming and perfect, the Fosters!  A hooker, a transvestite, and a gnome stroll down the hallway to join them.

This hallway may look ordinary, but behind that door there is some MAGIC. Yes, jeweler Martin Katz has installed various of his more extravagant pieces in aquariums and the like throughout the suite, and guests can just phone up room service to purchase! Ta da!

Because Yo has been “locked up” indoors for so long, she wants to go out to the terrace to ooh and ahh at the skyline. It is indeed magnificent. GHDF toasts that he’s so happy his wife is out of her ratty bathrobe after 10 months. Health Advocate Daisy weeps. Yo toasts to friendship, to survival, and to GHDF for sticking it out. Actions speak louder than words, she declares, but two seconds later the words speak pretty loudly when GHDF is caught just off camera telling a friend that while it may look like he and Yo are back to where they started their relationship, how are they actually going to make that happen? And of course we know how that turned out.

Next time: we’re going to Dubai, kids! Well, all of us except Yo, who is going to hang out with her #realfriends.

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“Let’s Go To SUR!” “Let’s Not!” 🍹 Pump Rules Season 4 Finale Recap

It’s over already?!

I think the last time I watched VPR was when Jax was on the crapper, on camera. After that travels and life and the need for sleep overcame my commitment to stay up till all hours watching this sordid mess. Did I miss anything? Well, apparently I missed the descent into felonious activities in Hawaii, several peculiar choices of swimwear, and Horschak and K1 re-infecting each other with communicable itch. So, not much. 

Jax returns home from a return trip to Hawaii, where during a 20-minute layover he got his sunglass-stealing charges knocked down from a felony to a misdemeanor with probation attached. He has not slept, has not changed his underwear or his bra, there’s construction in the area, and he takes all this out on poor, underage BritNee who has too much stuff in the closet and has failed to secure them new living quarters in the last 24 hours. Jax is mean. He needs to be getting something out of this relationship. He hasn’t felt peace since prison. Was that peace he felt in prison? It could have been anything, this being Jax. BritNee needs to RUN.

Jax heads off to SUR where we basically catch up on everything I missed: Horshack hasn’t been drinking for two weeks; ShayNaché and Ariana are not BFFs; K1 called BlahBlah a “ratchet whore”, whatever that is, and despite BlahBlah’s like-o-meter descending as precipitously as her makeup coverage accumulates, she’s still somehow invited to the 2’s upcoming “lace and linen” themed engagement party. Lady Pump strolls in and demands to know of Jax how his court deal went. He tells her, she snips at him for not taking the whole thing more seriously, he yells and her and rolls his eyes. BritNee’s not the only chick he can’t be bothered with.

The 2’s are planning their engagement party for where else? Yes, the Palais du Pump, of course. Lady Pump says it’s okay so long as it’s in the side yard, down the hill, between where they store the trash cans and the manure pile. The 2’s are DIYing this leather and lace shitshow and forgot to provide any shade at all, so Lady Pump begrudgingly permits usage of her patio umbrellas.

The whole gang’s invited! Including BlahBlah! But not including K1 or Lady Hitler, who are BFFs again (I guess I missed Lady Hitler Returns, too) and who are going to crash.

The theme results in some truly hideous getups. Here’s BritNee and her new flotation devices in a special romper from the Blanche Deveraux for Ross collection:

This is K2’s grandma:  T2 has changed out of his nautical stripes into a ratty t-shirt. Is that a candy necklace?  

And, here comes BlahBlah, with Mary J. Blige.

BlahBlah has consumed 14 mimosas by her own count in anticipation. She’s loaded for bear.

The guests play cornhole and someone tends an inferno on a grill out of DeliveranceT1 fans himself delicately while Ariana blows bubbles.

The crashers arrive and are greeted warmly by T2 and his candy necklace. He’s pretending K1 doesn’t smell.

Lady Pump is not convinced. Holy hell, what is K2 wearing? And why do all the girls have the same hairdo my sister and our family Maltese wore daily circa 1982?

Jax was also apprised of a nautical theme. Ahoy, man bunster!   

The crashers take the stage to give a long-winded, pointless speech about how boring the 2s are which makes them perfectly suited for each other. BlahBlah gets bored and starts heckling.   

So that’s about that and off they go to SUR so they can all get even more poleaxed and T1 can subject them to a musical “performance”. They all roll in and Ariana and ShayNaché sit down for a wine summit about how ShayNaché has been talking about Ariana behind her back with anyone who will listen. Why does she need to be popular and friends with everyone? ShayNaché crumples into a puddle of crocodile tears scaled to her Gremlin eyes. She really not friends with the Ks or Lady Hitler after all, and she needs Ariana back. Can they be BFFs again? And, scene.

So everyone’s slagging and snogging and electric sliding to the musical stylings of besuited T1 and getting along great. Well, mostly. Horshack is still not befuggered, at least not on alcohol. He’s smoked three joints and eaten a whole baking dish of pot brownies instead. BlahBlah is off her pickle, even more than K1, who she confronts about having called her a “ratchet whore” with a whole lot of finger wagging and even a shove. But that goes nowhere, so Horshack shouts at K1 a string of profanity and tries to bait Jax into punching him which also doesn’t happen. So Horshack and BlahBlah stagger off into the sunset, alone and mutually steampigged.

After taking a nice, deep breath of unpolluted oxygen, Lady Pump takes a moment with Jax to tell him she thinks he and Lady Hitler were meant for each other. He furtively checks to make sure BritNee didn’t hear that and strolls over to make nice with his “last healthy relationship” partner. What has Lady Hitler done to her lips?

They did not used to look like that.

Anyway, let the reminiscing begin. These two started this group, you guys! They have such memories! And they no longer give a shit about each other so why not be cordial. Jax wants to know why Lady Hitler came back; his theory is she got dumped by her perfect, adult boyfriend and needed to “crawl back in” due to lack of other options. Lady Hitler is conspicuously silent. Jax leaves it at that and takes BritNee home, nicely. Lady Hitler returns to the Ks and says she doesn’t want to just be back for the party. She wants to be back to resume her position as head bitch in charge, you guys.

And so that’s that. I don’t think I missed much, and no doubt next season will be more of the same even if this episode sounded tied up in a neat little bow like the finale of Happy Days. ‘Til then, this one’s for you tonight.

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