Sorry for the delay – I went to bed at 8 on Tuesday instead of watching and it was nice. I am up to my armpits in life these days, so let’s knock this one out, shall we? There really was so much crass sex talk and bitchery in this episode it was like listening to Cosmo Radio on repeat.
We find at least some of our ladies at a jewelry store where some jewelry either Holla designed or was designed in honor of Holla is being introduced, proceeds to benefit Holla’s liver foundation. Pepe Le Peu is back! And for some reason he’s deep in conversation with Radzi about whether or not the moment before death is like an orgasm. I think that’s if your death is being brought about by autoerotic asphyxiation, but really who would know? Well, apparently the loony who attended a talk I gave years ago who was selling copies of his self-published book about the afterlife, because he’d BEEN. He’d know.
Anyway, Mo arrives straight off the plane and boy she looks it. And Holla cannot put enough love all over Mo. Where is this coming from? Clearly we missed something significant between these two. Mo wants to know where Aviva is and Holla tells her Aviva is not invited because she was awful while Mo was gone. Mo is shocked, and thinks the right thing to do is to teach Aviva how to be angry without being vicious. I’d love to know how she plans to accomplish that. Holla then tells her Aviva’s not invited to Holla and Mr. Holla’s anniversary party, either, and now Mo is tweaked because Holla has a “history” of not inviting people places, specifically not inviting Mo to London last season. So also can’t believe Holla’s not inviting Aviva, because Aviva’s “gotten her shit together”. Her words, not mine. Holla begs to differ and Mo agrees Aviva needs to “change her behavior patterns”. Holla points out that it took Mo a year to get over Aviva’s bad behavior, so fairness would dictate that Holla be given some time. The rest of this scene involves discussion of lions mating, appropriate frequency of marital fellatio, and outsourcing for the task. Yick.
Next, SoMo and Aviva head to the Container Store to pretend to shop for Aviva’s new house and Avery’s venture off to college. Aviva tells the old broads how Holla went all street on her at The Kountess’ party, complete with detailed profanity that shocks other shoppers. Mo informs her sternly that she is “going to figure it out”, before proceeding to phone up Holla, whose on a fake photo shoot for Yummie involving Kristen as the pretend model and Radzi as the baboon hair-picker, to set up a summit between the two. Holla is willing, but confused as to why she has to try to achieve peace when the most recent shot was just fired and the gun is still hot. So is certain this will work; Mo is the “Dalai Lama,” she says. “The peacemaker. Buddha.” My ass.
Remember how Holla and Mr. Holla are having an anniversary party? Well, Mr. Holla has brought in her TV best friends, Radzi and Kristen, to sample caviar with him because it makes Holla horny and that’s what she’s getting as her present. Kristen is wearing Daisy Dukes and a silk kimono of some kind, which doesn’t seem an appropriate outfit for anywhere except maybe Coachella, and Mr. Holla seems sweet but maybe just a little gay. Mr. Holla tells the girls that before they got married Holla promised him a threesome with another girl for their tenth anniversary. Kristen thinks Radzi is the perfect candidate. UGH.
So now it’s raining, and it’s time for the Shorty Short summit between Aviva and Holla. They agree to ground rules: no yelling, no calling names, but Holla won’t commit to not cursing because she can’t help herself. Aviva again asserts that she was “verbally raped” (a remark I left out last week because it makes me gag to type it let alone think about it), and tops that with announcing she “took it up the butt”. For God’s sake, woman. Holla replies that Aviva says vile things about people. Aviva demands to know what she’s done to Holla and Holla tells her nothing yet, but she’s not waiting in line for it. Shazam!
Aviva starts barking “do you want to know? do you want to know?” about what RIIIIILLLLLY happened with her and Radzi, and Holla tells her she’s being forking dramatic, which results in a bickery about high horses and stay-at-home-motherhood and who doesn’t like who and egads shut UP! Finally, Holla shuts it down by asking whether Aviva even gives a shiitake about her. Aviva thinks hard about this and then, to my surprise, says she does. In which case Holla thinks they need to get through this.
Holla calmly tells Aviva she was offended about a remark Aviva made about Radzi. “Are you lovers or something?” Aviva spits. Back to the gutters, ladies! Aviva then says that Radzi responded to her with “venom” and that Holla cannot be impartial. Holla agrees that that, at least, is true. They agree to disagree and Holla says she’ll talk to Mr. Holla and think about inviting Aviva to her party. Aviva’s all excited. I’m not, particularly.
The “next day”, Mo is having breakfast at home with Mario and Avery and many bottles of supplements. Avery announces she is planning to join dad’s family business and finds mom annoying. Ah, sweet. Meanwhile, Radzi and Kristen are meeting The Glands and Yo at Sarabeth’s, where I enjoyed brunch on my last birthday, because they are all secretly longtime friends. They discuss: Radzi’s boot knocking with George Clooney; Kristen’s thing for Elvis which resulted in her nearly running away with an impersonator at her bachelorette party; who can and cannot abide sex during pregnancy; and Radzi, who has no kids, thinks if Kristen doesn’t like sex during pregnancy then this is an optimal time for oral favors. Because there’s nothing like performing oral sex when massively with child. YIIIIICCCKKK!
Now the old broads are over at Aviva’s and they are all dolled up for the anniversary party before they decide to bail because Aviva got a text from Holla saying they’d decided not to invite her after all. Mo looks OLD.
The party in question is a lovely affair on a terrace overlooking Manhattan, and I wonder whether this is Holla’s home? I just don’t think so. Kristen and her husband arrive in the midst of another argument about his lateness. Sigh. Next, the Kountess has the unpleasant task of telling Holla that SoMo aren’t coming, which she does by informing her she’s been “boycotted”. Holla is irate; she could have invited people she actually likes instead of those two bitches; this is all really Mo’s shitstirring because Holla didn’t follow “Mo’s rules”, and Mo’s entirely to blame. It’s on now, folks. And time for a gym bag full of caviar! And dancing! And marital bliss!
Next time: Kristen takes on SoMo over the boycott. Holla’s kid is having hearing problems, they all go on vacation someplace, and everybody is kung fu fighting! Till then…
These large cash giveaways would not be possible without an amazing group of bloggers and small businesses who contribute. They include: Spaceships and Laser Beams, Vintage Confections, Tania Fischer Design, This Little Mama, Made by a Princess, Mighty Delighty, Designed by Dawn Nicole, Yumtastics, French Pemberley, Samantha Walker LLC, Jellyfish Prints, Young Adult Money, A-Manda Creation, BellaArtista Invitations, Sugar Co., BellaGrey Designs, Party Patisserie, A Wife A Mom A Life, Babies Artroom, Piece of Cake, KristeNicole Photography, Housekeeping Services of Hilton Head, The Storybook Shoppe, Seshalyn Parties, Best Birthdays, Customized Wedding Creations, Fantabulosity, Giggles and Grace Designs, Magical Vacations by Tracy, One Swell Studio, Eat It & Say Yum, Wise Owl Shop, Reality To Dreams, Sugar Sugar Cakes, UR Invited, Tutus & Bowties Events, Be Envied Entertaining and Child Go Go. And that’s not all! To see the entire list check out the Rafflecopter form below!
$1100 Thank Goodness It’s Spring Cash Giveaway
March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM toApril 21, 2014 at 11:59PM
PRIZE: One winner will receive $1100 USD payable via PayPal
Eligibility and Rules: This giveaway runs from Thursday, March 27, 2014 at 11:59PM to Monday, April 21, 2014 at 11:59PM. It is open to individuals over the age of the majority in their home country. The winner will be chosen randomly through the Rafflecopter form. It is the sole responsibility of the winner to report to and adhere to all laws in their respective country, which includes payments to any governing tax body. This giveaway is void in any country or territory where it is prohibited by law.
Claiming Prize: The prize will be sent via PayPal. The winner must have a PayPal account to receive it. The winner also must claim their prize within 48 hours of receiving notice. If you do not claim your prize within this time frame, your entry will be void and another winner will be drawn. Please ensure that spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com is on your “safe list.”
Disclosure: This is a blogger-sponsored event that is in no way affiliated with PayPal, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram or any other social media channel. If you have questions, email Stephanie at Spaceships and Laser Beams at spaceshipsandlaserbeams [at] gmail [dot] com.
Please use the Rafflecopter below to enter! None of the entries are mandatory but the more entries you do, the more chances you have to win! Running short on time? Come back as often as you like to finish the form and maximize your chances of winning the big prize.