Of all my shortcomings as a parent, the one of which I am most embarrassed is my children’s picky eating. Going into this (“this” being “parenthood”) I was resolute that my children would be healthy eaters, eating vegetables and the crust and self-selecting whole grains. I intended to serve “normal” food with every expectation that it would be consumed, and not create opportunities for pickiness to take hold. [I did, however, intend to be reasonable. I think one taste of an adventurous or distasteful food (such as the liver of my childhood that I will not be serving) should be enough. I think when one has established an aversion to runny egg yolk that a preference for well-scrambled eggs should be honored. And I think the mother of a 24-year-old should process and respect that her child does not like peas and lamb, and should know better than to suggest such a menu for said child’s birthday celebration.]
For the most part I’ve held up to my intentions, but my expectations for my children have crumbled before my very eyes. My kids are impossible eaters, especially my middle child. How do you define “impossible eaters”? How about won’t even eat pasta? When your kid won’t consume a noodle the whole deception-and-disguise method of sneaking nutrition in the back door is really out the window. Ketchup-on-everything works to a limited degree with my oldest; my middle child is a condiment-purist. We’re still holding out hope for the baby.
My goal at this point is to try to keep them eating whatever I can get in them, as they are all featherweights (no surprise), and to make whatever I feed them as nutritious, calorie-dense, and healthy-habit-ingraining as possible. My kids love hot dogs (cured meats of all kinds, really), so I buy the nitrite-free variety. Our chicken nuggets are whole-grain and hormone-free. All our bread is whole wheat and I bake more than I’d otherwise be inclined to try to sneak vegetables in where I can. They love pizza, so investing in a backyard brick oven was worth every penny. They drink little juice and I try to get them to consume something that grows from the ground at every meal; these days success is limited to strawberries which are, of course, out of season.
I’ve sought and put to use a wide range of professional advice. A speech therapist advised that aversions to textures could be the cause, but I can’t quite figure out what textures correspond to like and dislike. I’ve had them help me grow vegetables in the garden, which provoked a reaction not unlike one you would expect if you attempted to cultivate a six-year-old’s interest in sex by showing him a birthing video. I’ve read many cookbooks which all ended up going to rummage, the one exception being The Family Dinner, by Laurie David, which I think takes a really thoughtful approach to the value of eating together as a family and the many critical aspects that aren’t limited to the food on the table itself.
The wisest advice I have received has come from my pediatrician and a nutritionist who herself has a picky child, who have both pointed out that picky eating is primarily a matter of control, so fighting it can only make matters worse. How much worse? There’s a trick in my family known as an “Uncle Chuck”, named for my mother’s brother who, at age 4, spent an entire afternoon touring Brookfield Zoo with a mouthful of uneaten peas in his mouth, only to spit them out in his grandmother’s bushes upon return.
Now it seems we may have our own Uncle Chuck in the making. Since we will be out of town for Thanksgiving, last night I made a mini-feast for us to celebrate as a family featuring such exotic delicacies as roast turkey breast, mashed potatoes, green beans, and apple-cranberry crisp. My oldest son, who has become more cooperative as he has matured, took at least a “no thank you” bite of everything. My middle son, however, drank two glasses of milk and was going for a third as dessert when my husband decided enough was enough and forced a bite of mashed potatoes into his mouth. Knowing what would come of this, I held onto my plate like the grandma chasing the other grandma’s cigarette ashes in Sixteen Candles, and was in just the right spot when JP intentionally threw up. Unfortunately, I did not accompany him when he was sent to his room, so was not in ready position when the vomiting continued on his duvet. I think JP would do beautifully on The Apprentice, as the many clever names for the teams in competition (“Tenacity”; “Rigor”; “Vomitorious”) suit him to a tee.
This category is about “What Works”, but in this case I am posting it as a question and not an answer. I’d love to hear from anyone who has any brilliant suggestions for new foods, approaches, preparations, or other strategies to outsmart a canny, donkey-stubborn preschool-aged diner. Comment below! In the meantime, I give you a recipe for Morning Glory Muffins, which are not only delicious but also dense with fiber and nutrition, and really who can’t use more of both.
For years I resisted the dessert-for-just-one-bite routine, believing it was bad for my little Gonzo Girl’s psyche. Then I watched my perfectly sane friend Shelly use that tactic and voila! A trend was born. Now that the newness has worn off (and the Halloween candy has settled nicely on my rump) I need another trick up my sleeve. But my chocolate for carrots campaign did see a few successes before it fizzled out.
Elizabeth,
This article absolutely cracked me up, but I also feel your pain. Three meals a day and every day of the week, this is not fun. I have devoted my life and business to getting kids to eat healthy and right along with that goes happily! Hence Mom Made Foods was born out of need for healthy kid-friendly options when parents don’t always have time to make everything from scratch.
Being a Psych major though, I am also fascinated with the behavioral / psycholigical side that makes kids good eaters. I recommend (and live by) the book by Ellen Satter called “Child of Mine.” You can also check out her web site. I agree with you that the “power” that goes into family mealtimes is more often the problem moreso than anything else. It’s rarely the food itself thats the problem. Uncle Chuck likely had it stuck in his mind that he was NOT going to eat those peas because he had so much pressure on him. Pressure does not equate to happy / enjoyed mealtimes for the parent nor the child!
In a nutshell, heres what we practice at our house, what I teach in classes to parents… and it works.
1) Sit down with your kids and eat with them for the majority of their dinners. I recognize this is not easy and takes sacrifices to make this happen. Getting home from work in time to make and sit down for dinner with the kids is not easy at all! However, those sacrifices are worth it – rejig your day if necessary!
2) Turn off the tv and phones and just be together at mealtimes. Put the newspapers and toys away.
3) Serve the dinner family style – let the kids serve themselves and let them DECIDE what they want to eat. Have one or two options that you know they will like, ie bread, among the options. For our five year old, we often suggest that he should have at least 5 of x food (ie broccoli) or even more if he wants to grow bigger – as a guide for his serving size. He sometimes decides he only wants less and that’s a-ok. With fajitas, for example, we serve them as make-your-own and again we suggest that he select at least 5 toppings since he’s 5. It works 99% of the time. If he decides he only wants one food, ie bread, that’s fine and there are no other options offered. It rarely happens as he wants his plate to look like ours with all the food options.
4) Talk about how specific foods make them really strong, run fast, see well, etc. Talk about how the more colors on their plate the better they will feel.
5) DON’T force feed them, pressure them to try something, etc. We often say “You’re missing out…” and leave it at that. Then the next time we serve x, magically the child decides they want it too.
6) Dessert can be a treat and is not forbidden by any means. But it is not a reward for eating x food. That is a short-term fix and doesn’t solve the larger problem.
We have some more tips on our web site http://www.mommadefoods.com too. I hope some of these tips work for you!
Bon appetit!
Heather
Founder / CEO
Mom Made Foods
Elizabeth,
This post was hilarious and made me feel as though it were me a few years down the line. Right now I only have one 16 month old son who is starting to become opinionated when it comes to eating. My little boy who used to eat anything, including quinoa, roasted chicken, and hearts of palm, now sometimes even turns his nose up at cheese! I’ve started experimenting with my cooking, and though my tricks don’t work everytime, sometimes they do, and that’s better than nothing! I’m not sure what will work for you since your kids are older, but take a look at my blog (www.mostlyhealthmom.blogspot.com) to see if any of the recipes will appeal to your kids. One that is sticking out in my mind for you would be to try turkey meatballs. My son wouldn’t eat poultry for a while, but when it came in the form of a meatball, he was willing to try it (the recipe is here: http://mostlyhealthymom.blogspot.com/2010/11/try-try-again.html).
Good luck in the never-ending battle!
Thanks so much for these suggestions! I honestly would never have considered serving family-style; it seems counterintuitive to put a bunch of food on the table and hope it gets eaten, but I can see how that would outsmart the power struggle. After reading this article (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40357712/ns/health-diet_and_nutrition/) about adult picky eaters – and enduring the joys of the actual Thanksgiving holiday with the highly judgmental and impatient maternal grandparents at the table – I am all the more motivated to try new approaches.
And mostlyhealthymom: I think what you are experiencing is very common. My six-year-old ate everything until middle toddlerhood, then got really picky, and is now making gigantic strides in trying new things. (Not that the aforementioned grandparents gave him a single bit of credit for that at Thanksgiving – but that’s a whole other story belonging in another category…). My baby was eating like a lumberjack for a while, nonetheless remaining at the 0% end of the scale like his brothers, and recently seemed to have lost some interest which my ped assures me is common around 9 mos. My pickiest, the middle brother, has never been a good eater. So in my limited experience I think it’s a predictable phase, and as time wears on Henry will come around. (And thanks for the meat-a-ball suggestion – so far no dice with Chucky Jr., but we’ll keep trying!)
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