Captain Pornpants Has Left The Building 🍷 Project Runway Season 12 Recap

Did you know Project Runway came back a few weeks ago? Hell if I did! I follow Tim Gunn and everything. Guess that’s what happens when you move a perfectly excellent Bravo show to Lifetime – oh, snap! Anyway, we’re back and we’re not on teams this season, thank Chaka Khan, so things are going much better than the incredibly, painfully boring season 11, or at least the personalities are slightly more intriguing. Oh, and somehow Ruby (of last season’s Max and Ruby) was brought back as a fan choice wild card, which just goes to underline the weakness of season 11. When Ruby is your season’s breakout star, to borrow a phrase from Nina Gahcia, it’s just sad. Does anyone even like Max & Ruby? My kids have always hated it. “Not Max & Wooby! Nooooooo!”

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I missed episodes 2 and 3 but am back on board now with #4, and oh what an episode it was. The challenge this time was to create something involving bow ties from the guy from Modern Family’s “Tie the Knot” charity collection to benefit marriage equality. I dig it! We all know I love color and the classics, and these classic bow ties are a riot of clear beautiful hues and clever prints. Step away from the black and beige, people!

Right away we’re spending quite a lot of time with the red headed pubey-beard guy so you know he’s where the action will be happening. Pubey is the one who was a dancer before he was a fashion designer (a natural progression) and apparently has been with his partner since Juilliard 18 years before. Pubey is thrilled by this challenge. Another very excited designer is Mr. Brit, who shares that he has just tragically lost his very aged grandmother the day before, so he’s feeling sorry for himself and his family, especially his husband because Gran was apparently also the husband’s maternal grandmother. Wait – wha?? I sincerely hope Mr. Brit is one of those weirdos who starts calling his in-laws Mom and Dad, etc. like they are his own family, and not that Mr. Brit and Mr. Mr. Brit are actually related to each other AND lovers. Even if there’s no possibility of inbreeding that’s still incest, right? Please clear this up, Mr. Brit, because you are freaking me out a little bit.

Elsewhere, this year’s Ping, the blonde nearly-dreadlocked 40+ year old, has spent double the suggested budget on a bunch of – wait for it – black jersey, and is draping strips of connected ties around it like a harness and leash. The cute black girl is making a clever shift dress inspired by shirts and ties and the equal sign and I totally want it. Tortured Soul, who won last week, is struggling with something in shades of nude and doubting her talent, as usual.

And then there’s Captain Pornpants, who is totally Latin except he’s Russian. Captain Pornpants is practically eating the walls he is so desperately in search of attention, and when Tim comes to check things out old Cappy (a) announces that from now on he is going to call Tim “Top Gunn”, and (b) demands to know what Zac Posen wants from him. Because Zac does not dial in to Captain Pornpants’ vision, apparently. Captain Pornpants is wearing some newspaper print trousers with a very large carnival bulge in the front.

is that a rump roast in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
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Finally, after much fussing and kvetching, it’s runway time. The top and bottom are:

Project Runway 12-4aBefore the middle is dismissed, Heidi takes a moment to berate Tortured Soul and tell her to thank her lucky stars that Ruby won her immunity last week because otherwise she’d be outta here. Cappy then flies into a rage that he’s safe and not going to get some feedback this week. Zac’s not going to let this one go: he informs Cappy that his work just isn’t all that interesting and is terribly derivative. Of who? The wardrobe master of “Wheel of Fortune”? This is what Cappy had come up with this week:

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I don’t know who this derives from but they are going to hate Zac for referencing them after today. Cappy storms out, yells at Tortured Soul in the stew room, then bolts, shoving crew and tossing mannequins in his wake. He’s mad, dammit!

Back to the judging, where Top Gunn has informed the panel of the developments with Cappy and advised them to stay tuned while they put out an APB. The top three are the cute black girl, pubey beard, and Ruby. Ruby obviously thinks her work is top notch, but if someone is derivative methinks it’s Ruby, who has spent way too much time studying season 11 winner Michelle’s “steampunk” aesthetic. But she does deserve praise for her pants, the second pair she’s ever made. The cute girl’s sheath is well-made and totally wearable, at least if you’re me. Pubey’s shorts suit is exquisitely crafted but only Miley Cyrus would wear it, and she usually skips pants. Love the styling.

Bottom are Ping 7.0, Bad Bangs, and Mr. Brit. Ping’s deal with the leashes is just idiocy, and the fact that she spent twice as much as anyone else is absurd. Bad Bangs decided to create a houndstooth power suit and blouse; the blouse was originally sort of 80’s Working Girl, complete with bow, but after Top Gunn criticized it as matronly Bad Bangs decided to overcompensate and make it a crop top, so now she looks like Working Girl At Six Flags. Mr. Brit made a riff on a tuxedo, inspired by Gran. The judges hate it and complain that the model’s exposed bellybutton is winking at them; do they need Haldol? I think it would have been reasonably successful if the jacket was longer and had buttoned three inches lower, exposing a lot of cleave. Oh, and if it had actually referenced the ties in ANY WAY.

And the winner is: Pubey! Who is so overcome with emotion that he proposes to his boyfriend on the spot… the problem being that the boyfriend is not there and won’t see this for months. But it’s cute, and the boyfriend proposes to Pubey via Skype afterward so it is moot anyway. The loser is: Captain Pornpants, who the judges decide to fire in absentia, saving the bottom three for another day. Girls, you got lucky. Until next time…

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2 Responses to Captain Pornpants Has Left The Building 🍷 Project Runway Season 12 Recap

  1. Stacy Pittinos says:

    Will you be recapping Project Runway again? I hope so! I love your recaps and the nicknames you give everyone. Thanks…

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