“Getting Older Sucks Sweaty Balls”🍷RHOC Season 9 Episode 1 Recap

Season 9, people! NINE seasons we’ve been behind the Orange Curtain, as Shannon Beador likes to say. And an epically bad intro outfit for Ms. Vic Gunvalson in each and every one – season 9 is no disappointment. This time she’s stuffed like a grape into a blue cocktail dress with a giant, straining keyhole over the cleavage. I wish I could find a photo. My husband is of the sort that thinks big boobs are always fantastic, but Vic ably illustrates the point that sometimes giant boobs just make you look fat. Someone needs to talk to her. This outfit is going to pain me all season long.

On the other hand, Heather’s intro outfit is a tres chic black sheath, as one might expect, and she looks completely fit and composed in her intro. So we begin with her and Dr. Terry and they are at the architect’s office, working on the plans for the all-new, bigger and better Chateau Dubrow. Heather’s really excited because they got some zoning variance or HOA approval for a porte cochere. Not sure what a porte cochere is? It’s this:

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A covered structure where you can drive up to the front door and get out and then the car drives away, presumably by Jeeves and not by itself. And that is a model of Heather’s actual own porte cochere, unveiling to be anxiously awaited. I can’t imagine why this needed some sort of special approval, but nothing fabulous comes easy is the lesson to learn here, people. On that subject, while the Chateau is under the two years of construction that will be required to complete the beauty salon, the tiny closet for Dr. Terry, and the hidden Scooby Doo room for Max, the Dubrows are shacking up at a teeny-tiny normal house of about 5000 square feet. Heather is loving it for all the togetherness, but Dr. Terry is feeling confined and stifled. Good thing you’ve gotta lotta boob jobs to keep busy with to pay for that porte cochere!

In the Tammy Sue department, CUT Fitness is officially up and running, and Tammy has discovered running a 7-day-a-week business is time consuming. She’s also apparently discovered lavender lipstick.

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No.

Anyway: the gym is breaking even, which Tammy and Eddie consider a victory six-months in. Also, Eddie is now very busy teaching basically all the classes which means he isn’t doing whatever non-law-practicing work he was doing at the Judge Law Firm before, which may be for the best as trouble seemed to be following him with that. We get some extensive footage of a Les Mills GRIT class. If you aren’t familiar with Les Mills, it’s a licensed fitness program out of New Zealand, I think, and they have their own signature name for all their different programs. GRIT is their HIIT (high intensity interval training) workout program. I have a number of Les Mills certified instructor friends, and several enjoyed instructor training with Eddie and Tammy last fall in Vegas. I don’t know how much Les Mills has gotten to the east coast but it’s all over the west, so if you want to be miserable doing burpees and box jumps like Tammy, seek it out at a gym near you! Oh, and from what I am told, Eddie is the certified instructor while Tammy is not actually certified to teach anything, which is why she was a participant in Eddie’s class. Tammy is feeling the 5-year age difference lately, and shares that “getting old sucks sweaty balls”.

As for Vic, Briana not only moved out, now she’s moving to Oklahoma! Oh, and she’s knocked up again. Vic has finally settled her divorce and is lonely. But is she still sneaking around with Donn2? That is the question, people. Vic says she isn’t with Donn2, but she feels that even though she listened to the whole of Briana’s audio recording of him telling Ryan to beat Briana he was nonetheless “wrongly accused” and he wants forgiveness. So is he in or out here? Maybe if she would make some age- and figure-flattering wardrobe choices she’d find someone new and appropriate. Vic’s currently acting out on her sexual frustration by maligning the entire state of Oklahoma, all of its citizens, and even its food. She is very unhappy Briana and the babies are moving to this godforsaken, “forgotten” state shaped like a frying pan. Briana can’t WAIT.

So those are our returnees. Jem bailed and is having another baby, and Gretch and Assy got fired. Now sometimes when Housewives move on we see them on a handful of occasions, illustrating the “actual” friendship the ‘Wives share (see: Camille, LuAnn, Lauri). Sometimes they have an exit, like that weird OC chick of a few years ago who was all into natural living and pretending she had cash when she was broke. You know, the one who forked Jumbellino pre-Assy. She came to a clambake, was put in her car and sent away, and was never seen or heard from again. Sometimes we have to let them come over a few times before we can stop returning their calls (Tay; Pam). But most of the time they just disappear and are never mentioned again. (Quinn; the cookie waxer from NYC; Adrienne Maloof).

Assy and Jem seem to be getting the disappearing treatment. Gretch, however, is possibly the first Housewife to be eliminated from the show and rammed up the ham with a stiletto in the process. The opportunity arises when Heather and Tammy go off to run up a hill, which is hilarious because I can’t imagine Heather running anyplace for any reason. Also, is this the same hill where Kyle scampered along after The Glands to facilitate a hate-on-Lisa chat?

As their running slows to a walk Tammy asks if anyone has heard anything from Gretchen. Heather thinks she (and Slimey Slade) came into Dr. Terry’s office for a “facial” but that’s it. Tammy hasn’t heard from her, nor has she received a wedding gift, which is just fine because she doesn’t need any more plastic Gretchen Christine luggage like she received at her shower. Gretch, Tammy tells us, is a “narcissistic compulsive liar and is dead” to her. So that’s that! Dead to us all, now! Keeping hoping for that wedding special, Gretch.

Moving on, Heather has gotten a part on Hawaii 5-0 and has to go to Hawaii to film it. Her husband and kids aren’t coming, so why don’t Tammy and Vic? Tammy’s so in! Even though she can hardly leave the fitness studio and per her ex-husband isn’t adequately caring for the kids, if there’s a free trip to Hawaii on the table she’s gonna take it! “Are these drunk plans?” Heather asks, thus creating an excellent new phrase for the lexicon. Nope, it’s real. They are going. First field trip of the season, whee!

Before we go to Hawaii we need to enhance this trio, so Heather and her architect pay a visit to new Housewife, Shannon Beador. It seems Heather’s architect designed her house, too, and whaddaya know but it too has a Scooby Doo room so this is Heather’s chance to check out that as well as the marble. Shannon has three daughters and at least some of them went to school with some Lil’ Dubrows. She’s also very into natural living and while there’s no indication the house is environmentally efficient in any way, she avoided all toxic building materials and even those that might possibly be just a little iffy. Heather offers her signature eyebrow raise and wonders how Shannon is coloring her hair without toxic chemicals. Also, if she has the OC Fun Bags those aren’t exactly Of Nature either.

Before we go to Hawaii let’s learn a little about Shannon Beador, shall we? She was born in LA and has lived in Southern California her whole life. She sees an Asian “energy healer” three times as week for fixing all sorts of aches and pains like unreleased farts and stuff. Her grandfather was the CEO of I. Magnin, a department store I am old enough to remember well, and her husband, David, paid for this colossal manse as a freeway contractor. They do have a lot of freeways in California, so this could be lucrative. David and Shannon have been married and bored for 13 years and seem to be straining for intimacy, shall we say, which cannot be helped by the history of domestic violence allegations. But the kids seem nice and well-adjusted. The oldest does not have a cell phone, not because her parents don’t think she needs it, but because Shannon is certain they send out death rays. No one likes Shannon’s cooking. David does like Mr. Little Mama does and snacks while dinner is literally being served. I HATE THAT.

So enough of that, I wanna go to Hawaii! Heather is already there, having finished up her scenes involving lots of fake blood and gore. She’s supposed to be playing an abused wife and was going to do her own stunts until they involved being dragged down some stairs, so she let the double do that one. Heather Face-Times home and demonstrates that the proper phone position for Face-Time is held over one’s head at a very awkward and uncomfortable angle so that all double-chinny-ness is avoided. Must post to Pinterest!

As we can all imagine, Tammy and Vic have gotten lubed up on the flight and arrive determined to get Fancypants naked wasted and on their level. “Heather needs to take the fancy pants off and put on a G-string,” Vic announces. “I wear them. They are cute.” GAHHHHHH! The visual image is searing my brain! And: butt floss isn’t cute, it’s very unhygienic. #teamfancypants

Day One dawns and the girls are taking surfing lessons from a manly instructor who has no hesitation about wearing Tammy big pink sun hat. “You look like a Rasta – are you on the pot?” Heather asks. Like this guy?

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These California girls surfing is not going to be like the three NYC amigas, that’s for sure. For one thing, Heather is really not at all into the idea of open water above her knees. For another, a surfing hippopotamus is involved. But sure enough, Fancypants is the first to get up and master the pose, because she’s always the first and the best at everything. That’s just how she is! Vic struggles along and displaces the ocean over and over until finally, at last, awkwardly riding the current if not an actual wave. Then she collapses in a heap, earns a tiny scrape on her knee, and waits for the sharks to eat her alive.

Next, they pile into a rented Jeep and head off to see a waterfall. Vic is driving and both Heather and I are completely terrified. Vic is an awful, inattentive driver and talking on the phone while she’s at it. They finally get to a food truck that serves shrimp like Forrest Gump and now Vic is wearing a yellow workout top that does nothing to conceal her pooch. It’s just not good. An argument breaks out whether a “camellia” is a kind of tree (Heather) or “chlamydia” is a venereal disease (Vic and Tammy). Vic thinks this illustrates Heather’s know-it-all nature, whereas I think it reveals a great deal about all the parties involved. Some are gardeners, some are… not.

Somehow they safely return to the hotel and meet up for dinner, two-thirds in pink silk. Heather orders “champs” while Tammy and Vic order wine that comes in stemless glasses. Heather asks conversationally how they feel about stemless glasses, which is a question that comes to my mind every time I see one. Vic and Tammy love them, but Heather wonders whether they heat up the wine above optimum temperature. This is the first time the Wines By Wives broads have heard there is an optimum temp for wine, and Heather is all too happy to Google up the specifics varietal by varietal. Vic is now annoyed again. Heather makes a toast to them all being in “transition” (herself back to acting; Tammy in a new business; Vic with her divorce finally settled), then asks the big question: IS VIC OR IS SHE NOT FORKING DONN2? Vic is unsettled, and silent.

This season: we’re going to Bali! Also Hong Kong, I think? Another new Housewife named Lizzie rolls in and oh the enhancements. More Donn2 drama, of course, and everyone’s ganging up on Heather. Pile on, people, pile on!

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