I misplaced my notes from last week so never got that one recapped; suffice it to say that Julie Toothpick tried to dose the calzone with lidocaine and forks; The Kountess cannot be bawthered with Radzi; and Queen B is still being overly graphic with us about her ladybits issues. The End.
We resume to find it has snowed in NYC! And it looks so fresh and pretty, which will change real fast. There’s nothing ickier than dirty snow. Queen B is arriving at Skinnygirl Central wearing a shirt that reads “I am not okay today”. She really loves the message shirt, doesn’t she? I think she’s a little old for it. When she’s 90 is she going to wear one that says “please change my Depends”? Despite still feeling less than 100%, The Queen is going to fulfill her commitment to appear at the launch of Skinnygirl Candy, which is either an oxymoron or a diarrhea producer (I suspect the latter now that Skinnygirl Fiber Supplements have left the product line; covert poop-enhancer would need to make it’s way in somewhere), and she’s getting dolled up with a red wig and a giant Skinnygirl Chocolate wrapper clutch for the occasion, threatening to bed a stranger who is unaware of the biohazard risk. She’s only invited Radzi to attend the event because she’s her only real friend, but acknowledges that Mo has been supportive, showing up with an ugly mixed bouquet and the promise to stay in the next room reading on at least one occasion.
Speaking of Mo, she’s reunited with her better half, So, and they are taking a hip-class from a go-go dancer who performed at a recent Kountess Lu event in order to update their “moves”. This is also a chance for Mo to complain about The Kountess, who she feels is so absorbed in her own romantic life that she isn’t being a true friend to others. So thinks they all need to cut The Kountess a break and accept that she’s obsessed with closing the deal with Tom after just four weeks, as any rational person would be. SoMo ends up working on their Axl Rose impressions and that’s as far as the dancing goes.
Queen B’s party is going to take place at Dylan’s Candy Bar, where I think Skinnygirl Candy is unlikely to be sold. Nothing says “skinny” quite like beverages garnished with mini doughnuts. The only people in attendance besides The Queen and her minions are Radzi and basically four people off the street. The Queen thanks Radzi for coming and complains that she doesn’t have a mother whose breast she can nuzzle over her gyney issues. She needs a message shirt that says “I have mommy issues”. Radzi offers to come with to El Doctor as she has lots of experience with hospitals.
Speaking of gyney issues, Julie Toothpick makes her way to her plastic surgeon’s office to check on her ladybits after the still-unexplained window climbing accident. (Had anyone but So, who climbs through windows and bangs up her bits regularly, been the audience for that scene we might have learned something useful.) Julie wants to make sure the big ball sack she’s toting around is resuming its “perfect pistachio” original appearance, and Dr. Retainer and the neighbors across the street, who can see right up the stirrups through the office window, assure her things are going in the right direction. I have never bothered with a mirror to see what’s going on down there, because I don’t think it’s really any of my concern, but I am thinking small green shelled nuts is not the first resemblance that would come to mind, and I haven’t had a close crotch encounter with any windows.
Queen B and Radzi are on their way to not the hospital, even though The Queen is all weepy like she’s being rolled in for her execution, but another lady doctor for a second opinion, one she doesn’t even have to take her clothes off for. Although Radzi cautions The Queen not to doctor shop because it will never end, this German lady recommends taking a short breather and trying a little progesterone to see if things die down. A little medical marijuana might help here, too.
From there we’re back to Bethenny’s Place, where all the girls she likes and none of the bitches she doesn’t are invited for a tea latte, whatever that is. She’d do a real latte but coffee gives Mo the shits. The Queen updates Mo, Doritos, and Radzi (who was there already) on what the German lady said and how it could all be because The Queen is too delicate for hormonal birth control. Mo suggests she get a diaphragm which The Queen dismisses out of hand as altogether too 1983. Speaking of 1983, how is Radzi feeling about The Kountess? Well, she thinks she’s a big fat phony and hasn’t adequately apologized, as we’ve all heard 10,000 times. Doritos rolls her eyes, but this is Mo’s chance to unleash the Singer Stinger and get The Kountess declared narcissistic and unlikeable. The Queen agrees that Lu is acting uppity like it is 2011, then bestows her favored subjects, Doritos and Mo, with one-piece bathing suits for reasons that go unexplained. Mo is concerned her nipples will show.
Doritos leaves this shitshow to meet The Kountess for an egg sandwich, hold the bread between your knees please, and tell her everyone is badmouthing her. She thinks Lu needs to come to Doritos’ upcoming dinner party and get this shit straightened out once and for all, and promises to referee. They agree that Mo is insanely jealous and her asshole is showing.
Dinnertime! Julie Toothpick is first to arrive in a giant fur shrug and a half shirt, followed by a stuffy Kountess, who isn’t going to stay to eat thank you, and Radzi, who is wearing giant bell-shaped cuffs that will make it impossible for her to consume food, either. I find it odd that Radzi, who notably does not eat, is so focused on the eating foibles of others. Takes one to know one methinks. The Queen arrives in a fembot uniform (or, as this Tweeter observed, a Beetlejuice costume) and the awkwardness may now commence.
The Kountess explains that she’s not staying long because she’s under the weather; The Queen sniffs that her neverending period trumps The Kountess’ sniffles. Try telling that to a man with a mancold. The Queen demands to know the status of The Kountess’ relationship, and Lu tells us that she’s moved into Tom’s UES penthouse, complete with terrace, and he’s ring shopping. Radzi quite politely congratulates her before questioning if you do that, which is not meant meanly but simply because one is to offer best wishes to a marrying couple, not congratulate someone for landing the beast.
So arrives and takes a seat at the opposite end of the table from The Queen, who she feels fearful of after the beating she took at their last meeting. Queen B sniffs that the whole thing “was handled badly”, as though she bore no role in it, and demonstrates that things are cool by elevating a discussion about the state of The Toothpick’s healing cooter into loud shouting about who has had sex most recently, at which point Mo arrives and gets all huffy that she hasn’t been greeted with streamers and the receiving line to which she has become accustomed.
Lu, however, is all too accustomed to Mo’s self-involved bullshit and immediately calls her on the carpet for talking shit about her behind her back. Mo stutters that Lu is “seeing hesitation” from her because she’s simply concerned that The Kountess is rushing into things. Which is crap, and Lu says so, and points out that everyone else is happy for her so this is Mo’s jealousy nip slipping out. At which point The Queen decides to pipe up about how Tom is yet another case of SoMoLu banging the same guy, which may or may not be accurate, but gives So an opportunity to offer that she and Tom had been “friends with benefits” for ten years. She intends this to mean that despite her history of spreading it like peanut butter and jelly for Mr. Lu, she’s perfectly happy to have passed the butter knife on, but what The Kountess hears is yet another bitch not being happy for her. She does not care about Tom’s personal history Before Lu, and everyone is being awful except Radzi of all people, and she storms out.
Next time: the Toothpick takes on The Queen and The Princess; So has an awkward dinner party, and Mo thinks they all need to go to the casino on the res, because that went so well last year.