It’s been too hot to think the last few days and I am on my last nerve. This Pokemon Go bullshit is not making matters any easier. We brought Big home from camp on Monday, and first thing Tuesday he’s in and out slamming doors and wandering around in the street every 20 minutes. You know, it’s enough entirely without invisible gremlins letting hot air into the house. I’m TARRRED.
But we must resume with the latest episode of Bethenny After Ever After, and in NYC, it’s still chilly winter and I am jealous. It’s not too cold for Doritos and Julie Toothpick to take a smoke break, and they are venturing back in when they encounter a furious Kountess storming out. She has absolutely HAD IT with all these jealous bitches and is going home. Julie looks like Big Bird in her fur fluff. Back at the table, Mo demands to know exactly what Doritos told The Kountess, which as we all know was that Mo thinks the Kountess is acting all pretentious and big in the britches, but Mo wants to pretend she never said that and Doritos wants to pretend she never told The Kountess that, so instead Doritos says she told The Kountess the girls thought she was separating herself from the group, and makes everyone happy. Except Queen B, who insists that’s all crap and The Kountess is in fact acting all fancy-like. Meanwhile Mo is furiously texting a Mopology to The Kountess that they are all actually happy for her and her newfound romance. “No we’re not,” pipes The Queen.
Radzi is all nodding like she wears pink on Wednesdays and says it’s totally okay to talk about your “friends” behind their backs. It’s not okay with Julie Toothpick, who thinks if you have a problem you should talk to the person directly, nicely. Queen B says she’s perfectly happy that The Kountess is happy, but she still thinks the Kountess is a snot who doesn’t ask anyone – such as The Queen – any questions about themselves. “You don’t ask about me, either,” snarks Julie Toothpick. And: it’s on. The Battle of the Banged Up Vaginas.
Julie has had enough, dammit. Enough of The Queen making her look stupid, making fun of people, snarking about Julie’s marriage (which at this point everyone is snarking about so she better get used to it). And she’s also mad that The Queen is insensitive about Julie’s disordered eating, which remains a current issue as she just threw up the other day. The Queen does not want to have anything to do with this eating disorder topic because it’s too delicate – for HER. Yes, her mother having an eating disorder makes it too much for HER to involve herself with Julie. She doesn’t think Julie understands HER at all, how Julie’s eating disorder relates to HER. Yes, Julie might die, but it’s BETHENNY’S feelings that matter here. Never mind that she has written something like four or five diet books about how to carefully skate along the edge of the eating disorder cliff and has created an entire enterprise dedicated exclusively to the subject. Never mind that her first Skinnygirl product was a laxative. She just cannot be bothered with it when the issue is Julie Toothpick, not herself. Doritos is actually buying this justification from The Queen, because it’s The Queen we’re dealing with, but as to Radzi she thinks she’s just a mean girl. “Let’s all go to Mohican Sun!” barks Mo, changing the subject.
The next day, Mo and The Kountess meet up on the street to yell at each other for a while about whether or not Mo has been talking crap about The Kountess and how it’s basically all Doritos’ fault, anyway. Mo insists she is just concerned about The Kountess because she is “in lust”. The Kountess insists she knows when she knows and it’s a gift and too bad for Mo that she doesn’t have it. They argue some more about the Mark Hotel and whether The Kountess stole Tom from some chick, and The Kountess don’t care because he left willingly, too bad so sad. In other news, The Kountess feels like she’s over a hump with Radzi and she’s off to Vail with Tom, goodbye. No trip to the casino for her.
Doritos and Queen B come over to Radzi’s apartment so The Help can make them all heart-shaped vegan pizzas on cauliflower crust. Yummy? Why bother? If you want to eat tofu and poo, just eat tofu and poo. Don’t call it pizza, for God’s sake. The Mean Girls think Julie is wrong to be mad at them, and that what she should have done is approach them separately. Yes, she should have been rational and calm and made the whole thing an arduous chore rather than lose her temper and blurt out what was on her mind. The Queen has decided she shall not speak to Julie Toothpick. She’s banished. Goodbye. I love how Bethenny expects everyone to act all mature and reasonable and she’s really a childish prat.
Over at the SoStone, So has borrowed a butler because she’s having Doritos and Julie Toothpick and their respective mens over for a fancy dinner and Julie’s bringing a setup for So. The butler is totally irritated that So does not have a clue what she’s doing with the table or how to manage help even as she pretends to be all Lady Morgan. Plus, she isn’t paying him for this shit and he is not an intern. The guests arrive and BFJ is wearing a velvet smoking jacket; Mr. Toothpick managed to get them there reasonably on time even though he came home late and leapt into the shower, again. And here’s the guy they’ve brought for So: his name is Rocco, he has an accent, and the epaulets on his rumpled jacket are making him look like Sgt. Pepper.
With all assembled, So swans in to make her Entrance, carrying her purse with trumpets blaring. It turns out she knows this Rocco dude already and Julie pats herself on the back for bringing him over for a sure score. They dine, with So positioned to see the kitchen as the temp butler directed her, and using 200-year-old giant sheets as napkins. So explains that back in the old days, The Morgans used the same napkins for a week and these are them. I thought they were cloth diapers. They are so big you could swaddle BFJ in one, and that’s saying something. I wonder if dinner was made in the toaster oven. I do think this entire event was staged to talk about the napkins.
It’s time to board the chubby bus and go to the casino, kids! Mo has loaded it up with a full selection of Skinnygirl products and even a few bottles of RAMONA Pinot Grigio stuck in the back. So is delighted to get to go on a trip this season. Since she’s not drinking she scheduled a dental service for immediately before and is loaded on Percocet instead. Once everyone is on board, away they go and they toast to The Kountess who went and got herself engaged the previous few days. The ring is an eight carat yellow diamond of which Doritos got a text photo, which she passes around. So sniffs that eight carats is so nouveau and four is more like it for truly rich old school people whose napkins are bigger than everyone else’s.
The Queen parks herself two feet from Julie Toothpick and starts talking about her to Doritos, who seems nervous and tries to get her to pipe down. Julie rolls her eyes. Next The Queen moves on to So and declares her banishment lifted. So is so relieved, and thanks The Queen for the forgiveness. She always knew she had a good heart. The Queen blushes and looks down in smug satisfaction. This is such bullshit.
Next time: despite her broken vag, The Queen performs handstands in public. Julie’s campaign against The Queen continues. Mo tries to meddle with Tom, and The Kountess returns, betrothed.