I decided to get a massage this weekend rather than write up my recap. NO REGRETS WHATSOEVER. After all, this episode was really all about Queen B and the action side of things – what The Kountess is actually going to do about it all – comes on Wednesday. To be followed by the much-anticipated Reunion which The Queen has been alluding to as a whole fiasco for weeks. I don’t know; I am really underwhelmed by this “revelation” about Tom, so I am not expecting a lot, other than hoping The Queen moves along to new pastures because I’m tired of her.
So again, we’re back in The Queen’s room where she’s dithering about with Mo and Radzi over The Incriminating Photo of Tom making out with a Playmate in the hotel bar.
Radzi advises her that this is all hearsay and she can’t repeat it, but confirms that the bald head in the photo does in fact appear to belong to Tom. She can tell bald heads from bald heads. How do we know, for sure, that this photo was even taken “Wednesday”, and not six months ago? Whoever this friend is who keeps feeding The Queen Tomformation, she is certainly committed to her cause. Mo flees all atwitter and goes to get her hair and nails done. When Lu arrives in the pop-up salon Mo is sorely tempted to drop the bomb herself, because this is really all about AIRTIME and not about The Kountess in the least.
Since Doritos is the “hostess” of this fiasco, she has planned a dinner to which only The Queen and SoMo arrive on time, and of course, Mo, who The Queen labels as “Krissy from Three’s Company“, has told So all about The Incriminating Photo. So they all talk about it some more, criticizing The Kountess for trying to “sell” her relationship (hmm. Maybe that’s because her compainions are relentlessly making her do so?) and being “manic”, in Queen B’s words, for diving into it in the first place. Queen B is one to talk about “manic” relationships and mixed motives after getting herself knocked up (televised pregnancy test and all) and flying headfirst into a Bravo-celebrated wedding and Ever After. So is all emotional about Tom allegedly kissing someone in a bar sometime unconfirmed, because after all, the last time she gave him the Boots of Convenience was just two weeks before he took up with The Kountess, so really she feels cheated on, too. The Queen warns Mo to find a way to contain her diarrhea of the mouth and Mo says anytime she’s nervous she poops, literally and figuratively, so more poop remains to come.
Everyone else is 90 minutes late because they waited for Radzi, who was having “pants issues”. The Queen spots them finally arriving, and she and her minions scramble to claim the end of the table where The Queen can maintain a safe distance from The Kountess in order to extend the storyline to as dramatic and Queen-focused a reveal as possible. Doritos conveniently asks The Kountess what Tom is doing that evening, and The Kountess says she doesn’t know and doesn’t ask. AHA! mentally crows The Queen. Doritos, who is deep in the bag, then is asked what their plans are for the following day; she utters one word: SANDBAR. They are going to SANDBAR. Mo immediately commences bitching about this plan, and Doritos snaps at her not to be a diva because it doesn’t suit any of them. And with that, The Queen and So go home to sulk and try to call Tom themselves, while the rest go to a Carmen Miranda bar where Julie Toothpick gets kinky with a trombone and after contouring her neck Mo leaves to pick up straight men someplace else, alone.
Morning dawns and there’s a delicious looking breakfast buffet featuring eggs Francais in the suite and, AGAIN, discussion of So’s relationship with Tom and whether it was a one-night stand, as The Kountess likes to think, or something more involved. Doritos walks in in the middle of this and audibly rolls her eyes. She’s as tired of this nonsense as the rest of us. You know who else is tired? MO, who has been rode hard and hung up wet, and is not going to SANDBAR, thank you, she’s going to claim she’s staying home to nap but is actually going to stuff herself into her brownest crochet and go to Bagatelle. “Macrame again,” remarks So. “You said no more macrame,” which earns her a sock to the ear and a drag from the suite by Mo. So and The Queen decide to not-so-covertly sneak out to Bagatelle with Mo, but not before The Queen tells Doritos she’s “the Village Idiot” for not being in the loop on Tom’s nefarious doings, which was a completely unnecessary and nasty thing to say.
So everyone else, which includes Radzi who thought going along with the original itinerary was the safer plan, heads out on a boat to go to SANDBAR, which is very literally a sandbar, currently covered by high tide, where marine roach coaches congregate and boatfuls of rowdy gays serenade The Kountess with her own hit song, “Chic C’est La Vie”. Doritos is severely tweaked that this vacation, which she has replanned now TWICE around The Queen’s supposedly cranky uterus, is not being “respected” by those selfish broads. She thinks Mo needs to make herself look important and whoa and behold no one cares. Sounds about right. While over at Bagatelle So moans some more about her broken heart, having lost (and been summarily dissed by) her “lover”, Radzi commandeers a passing kayak to get herself a hot dog and the other ladies some ice cream cups. Personally, I think this excursion to SANDBAR looks like the better choice. Sun, fun, singalongs, and hot dogs!
The Kountess tells everyone about The Queen’s bizarre query whether she and her newly betrothed are actually monogamous and shares that her “open marriage” was really what The Kount wanted as things fell apart, not something that she sought or engaged in her entire 16 years of family life. And who is The Queen to give her advice? She’s been divorced twice and this current dissolution proceeding has dragged on longer than the actual marriage. The Kountess does have the corner on how to gracefully unwed, that is for sure. She is growing suspicious of The Queen’s motives here, as she should be.
Dinnertime again, and this time The Queen is bringing some “world famous artist” (just ask her) named Romero Britto, who looks like a Latin Richard Simmons and doesn’t seem to actually know The Queen in the least, along as her social barricade. No one else has a clue who this guy in the pajamas is.
Mo is in Mo Macrame and So wears her tiara, while Doritos’ boobs are hanging out her white jumpsuit and The Queen has gone full Saved By The Bell in crop top and mom jeans. Doritos takes Mo to task for rudely sneaking out to Bagatelle and splitting the group trip into cliques, so The Queen yells at her for “yelling”. So complains some more about how she lost her part-time lover, and The Kountess declares herself to be The Tomslayer who would “kill for him”. Uh oh.
Morning again, and The Queen has summoned The Kountess for The Reveal, for which she has dressed herself in a thong. Because there is NOTHING MORE ATTENTION SEEKING than inserting yourself into a bit of less-than-credible gossip and sharing it with everyone you possibly can in drawn-out, television-filmed exchanges, except for having your buttcheeks hanging out when you finally launch the grenade. The Kountess, on the other hand, is wearing her giantest sunglasses, and kicks things off by telling The Queen she upset (and embarrassed) her with the monogamy inquiry. The Queen apologizes, takes a deep breath, and begins: it’s been dumped in her lap. She just can’t HELP being the one to reveal the terrible news and show The Kountess the photo, allegedly taken on Wednesday, of Tom smooching someone else. IT PAINS HER. But there it is. “Don’t do this to me,” sobs The Kountess, who flees in tears, unable to get into her hotel room and away from the camera crew. I think more of The Queen’s ass than the cheeks was actually showing this episode.
Next time: LE GRAND FINALE! How will The Kountess move along? Stay tuned, kittycats.