I have to say, I am loving recapping LoL. The scenery, the accents, the novelty, and for all that half the pages of notes. Every bit as posh as Lady Pump (whose home was so accurately described as a “department store perfume display” by Vulture this week) but with style that has moved beyond a Dynasty/Barbie mash up, and none of the silly impress-the-neighbors bullshit of California in general. This Brits are legit and are too cool to care.
So: we resume with our most vulnerable Lady, Marissa, who is still in hospital with new infant Sadie recuperating and getting strength up. Last season a lot of people wanted to pile on poor Marissa but somehow I think she’s going to be given a pass for season 3. One week after the birth baby Sadie is nursing and feeding on her own, and looks amazing for eight weeks premature. Marissa had to have a hysterectomy with bladder reconstruction and lost 2.5 gallons of blood along the way, which is “equal to two times” her body weight. I suspect that was meant to mean she lost twice her normal blood supply, because she may be petite, but I don’t think she was originally equal in weight to 1.25 gallons of blood. I mean, I could lug that home from the grocery store one-handed.
Julie Montagu, meanwhile, is frantically shoveling her kiddies out the door at dawn so she can pedal over to Clapham Junction (hey, I’ve been there!) and hop a train out to Mapperton. She’s a long way from Sugar Grove, IL, which is itself a long way from anything. I mean, that’s basically noplace. It’s what I referred to as a “place they have tornadoes” when I was a child in suburban Chicago.
Anyway, Mapperton is more than a house, it’s a destination: 2000 acres, 25 homes, a cafe, a village for God’s sake, and a gift shop, which is the point of Julie’s visit today. It seems that there are two old ladies who sell the same touristy things out of a shed at Mapp that every other gift store at every other London destination sells. Julie is determined to make this shed a SuperShed. She is going to out gift-shop every tourist-gift-shop in Britain and make Lord Montagu a proud believer in her retail prowess. If they are planning to finance the renovation and maintenance of this old place out of that one shed, she’s got her work cut out.
Caroline Fleming dramatically drops in on a friend to collapse and sigh and bemoan Daddy’s Cancer. I think this is all really meant to introduce said friend, Kim, as a FOL. Kim’s claim to fame is that she’s engaged to Elizabeth Hurley’s former fiance and looks a bit like her, too. And, scene.
After Marissa comes home to her two little boys with the newborn little princess who is going to destroy any hope of their being the boss of all things, Caroline F. jets off to Denmark, again, with Juliet Angus of all people in tow. It seems the Elle awards are happening in Copenhagen, Caroline is presenting, and she thinks Juliet ought to be there because she’s been working so hard at her blogging
which no one is actually reading other than Caroline Fleming, apparently. Although Caroline claims to be some sort of celebrity big-shot in Denmark – basically to Denmark what David Hasselhoff is to Germany – being as she’s like tenth degree royal, there are no paparazzi tailing them at arrival, no crowds of fans or well-wishers, and she and Juliet not only have to share a hotel room, they are going to have to share the bed, which CF extensively remakes to her standards. Good grief, even that one-BH-season-wonder Horsie attracted attention in Puerto Rico.
Julie Montagu continues to wring her hands at Mapperton, wailing to Mr. Julie that she’s terrified the SuperShed isn’t going to make the 200,000 pounds per year required to keep Mapp ship-shape, and that if she fails her Wikipedia entry is going to say that it was all because of that damn American. Mr. Julie is perplexed and tells her to get her shit together, woman.
Queen Caroline has left the ‘burbs and is in London checking in with her interior decorators on progress of plans for the new Dubai house, and has brought her sister along with her. Now this is interesting: it seems the Stanbury family, in addition to Queen Caroline and Sophie’s Ex, also consists of another brother and this sister, Alex. And Sister Alex is about as far on the other side of the girl spectrum as she can be from Queen C. One can only assume that the nose and lips and eyebrow arch that the far more au naturel Alex is sporting were the original factory-installed models, making Queen C.’s cosmetic improvements all the more glaring by comparison. Oh, and also: the house has eight bedrooms and two are being converted to closets bigger than my house, or yours. In other words, fabulous.
Marissa and Sophie are apparently total bff’s after last season, so Soph is one of the first to stop by to see the new baby (weighing in at 3 kg, or about 6 lbs, 9 oz, which is a pretty healthy size preemie) and then flee the house with the new mommy. They head out to a proper-looking neighborhood non-Hermer-owned venue where Sophie looks a wee bit out of place in her shredded Daisy Dukes, and over a little tipple Sophie fills Marissa in on the state of things between Queen Caroline and Julie Montagu. I love me some Marissa, and lawd knows I think she looks absolutely amazing for newly post-partum, but the way that girl crumples up her face and collapses into herself she looks completely hammered, not like an exhausted new mother. Anyhoo, Sophie tells the Season 3 Voice of Reason she thinks Queen C. has it out for Julie and is not a-tall having it with Sophie failing to fulfill her minion duties and pile on. Girl, you in danger!
Queen C., meanwhile, is out shopping for a new “Dubai wardrobe” with the new FOL that I am going to call Boobs because that’s all the Queen ever talks about as to her anyway. Boobs reveals that The Queen, who used to be a stylist, was once the chaser of trends and most likely to copy her friends’ wardrobe choices for ill or naught. The Queen unloads about Julie while they try on shoes and Boobs tries to defend her, as she sees that Queen C. can be a bit judgmental and intolerant. Queen C. isn’t having any of that; she thinks Julie is trying to recruit The Queen’s friends because she doesn’t have any, and is rilly rilly annoyed that everyone keeps liking her anyway. The shoe store manager huffs deeply in hopes this ridiculous bitches will buy something and clear out so she can actually open the store to real customers.
Back in Copenhagen, Caroline flitters around endlessly until they are half an hour late (Juliet’s own beauty efforts during that lengthy prep window resulting in her looking just as bedraggled and pointy as always) before heading out to the Elle awards where the other big celebrity appearance is, inexplicably, being made by Tori Spelling and her dirty bird husband. That should tell Caroline F. what list she is on, but she soldiers on, undeterred. After the awards, she gathers three or four reporters around her and breathlessly reveals that her father has cancer, in clear violation of his sacred, inviolable desire for PRIVACY. (Already compromised by the fact that Caroline F. is featured on her third or so reality television show, which may be why Caroline is not actually seeing her ailing father while she happens to be in the same country in which he battles his deepening illness.) This, of course, immediately results in HEADLINES, blaring breaking news headlines. Caroline, she of tabloid fodder and one love child, has misstepped, again. LE SIGH.
It’s time for the Stanbury Showdown. Queen C. has summoned Sister (-in-law) Sophie to her suburban rental to have the kids play while they have it out over Julie Montagu, who I think would be slightly mortified to be in the middle of this fiasco. Caroline is perfectly furious and feels Sophie set her up by clling crying about how Julie had “a go” at her and then totally abandoned ship when Caroline showed up all loaded for bear and ready to let Julie have it. I’m honestly a bit befuddled by what is actually going on here, but there is a lot of pointing, loud voices, shouts of “fine!”, accusations that The Queen can’t trust her family (which I think is a little over the top) and a blurt about the Stanbury Divorce that brings everything to a halt because the lil’ Stans, who are playing nearby with their cousins, are unaware that Mummy and Daddy are getting one. Queen Caroline declares that Sophie is vurry vurry confused and needs friends and is going about it the wrong way. She’ll learn.
Next time: everyone’s going to Mapperton! All except Marissa whose baby goes back into hospital.