After three loooong weeks, finally everyone is out of my house! It is so hard to get the things done when Things 1-4 are around, needing stuff. Today I am seizing my liberation and charging through all of the things I have been neglecting, although washing the kitchen floor and folding the laundry-that-never-ends can wait for me to get caught up with the Ladies of London. As it turns out, really the last several weeks have been more-the-same, more-the-same, although I do have some questions about the sequences of the editing.
We pick up with Marissa and Caroline F., who are taking baby Sadie (and her empty stroller, as Marissa requires Sadie to be tightly strapped to her torso at all times to prevent anyone from breathing on her) out to a cafe. Ubermommy Caroline nearly gets Sadie’s Bugaboo flattened by a British taxi as she strides out into oncoming traffic. One more checkmark in the “use Bjorn” pro-column. Marissa is trying to get back to her old self and be “fun”, which is why she got totally blitzed on watermelon martinis in the previous episode. I think watermelon martinis would make me throw up.
Marissa and Caroline have become very close, so close that Marissa allows Caroline to breathe on the baby. Marissa was originally friends with Caroline’s sister, but now that the sister who spreads “untruthful gossip” has moved back to Denmark, Marissa is perfectly comfortable accepting whatever Caroline’s version of facts is as final and they are buds. Speaking of truthful-or-untruthful gossip, Caroline F. shares that there continues to be a spat between Julie Montagu/Sophie Stanbury and Queen Caroline S., and wonders whether Caroline S. is stressed about the move to Dubai either like a 4th grader anxious about changing schools, or perhaps because of the gossip that the CaroCem’s are leaving London due to “legal issues”. “Is that why?” Marissa asks? “I didn’t think so.” Da DUM DUM.
What are the other ladies doing? Caroline S. is boxing in her backyard. Julie Montagu is going to Wisconsin (where?) for her parents’ anniversary celebration. And Juliet Angus finally gets out of her pajamas and goes out to meet with her Blog Assistant and Brand Manager. It seems that Juliet’s blog, which I have never seen or heard of, other than Juliet telling us what a hot shit deal it is, needs more of her attention. Certainly it does to justify paying not one but TWO people to work on it. I hope these are freelance part-time gigs, for Juliet’s sake. The BA and BM plead with Juliet to devote at least one hour a day to doing something blog-related, and encourage her to post more about London because the only reason anyone has ever heard of her is because of this show so more London should be involved; no one is really interested in the Lady. Juliet takes all of this under advisement and apparently doesn’t take it to heart seeing as she hasn’t posted anything since December 22, 2016. Juliet and I are both very active, present mothers. Therefore we are also blog-neglectors. Who am I to judge?
The Hermers, who are still trying to get their mojo back weeks after welcoming darling Sadie (born on April 21) go out for a drinks date. They have supposedly arrived at the six-week sex-go-ahead date, which means we’re filming here in early June. We’ve seen an awful lot of short-shorts in London prior to today, which is curious as the average high in London in May is 62 degrees.
When it’s 62 degrees here, that’s boots and scarves weather. But I do live in Arizona where we get a bit overexcited about a cool breeze. Anyhoo, Marissa is nervous like she’s heading to prom to actually do it again with Matt. I don’t blame her one bit, especially seeing as its been six weeks + nine months since her last effort at marital duties. The good news is when she finally assumes the position, it should go super-fast.
Since Juliet has had no purpose here other than yipping like a Chihuahua at whoever Queen Caroline is barking at so far this season, she’s planned a pub crawl on the “east side” of London to celebrate The Real Queen’s 90th birthday and do research for her neglected blog, all while wearing a seriously questionable giant bow in her hair (which, idiotic as it may look, does result in her having significantly better-looking hair itself than she ever has previously). Meanwhile, the girls on the outs (Sophie, Marissa, and Adela) are going to play ping-pong at a club on the west side, which is more where these broads normally hang.
Now, The Real Queen’s birthdate is April 24. This is curious to me because while I realize there were about fourteen separate events commemorating The Real Queen’s 90th, the Ladies seem to be the only ones celebrating on this particular date, which if Marissa’s fearful anticipation of prom night is accurately portrayed, would fall around June 10. So I looked this up and apparently there is a national holiday for The Real Queen’s birthday on the second Saturday in June, which this year was June 11. Look at me guessing correctly! Nonetheless, not many normal Londoners appear to be wearing the Union Jack and prancing about today.
Queen Caroline is on the pub crawl outing and is outrageously late, as one might expect. No one is surprised by this, most especially not you or me, but nonetheless sniffy Caroline F. reproaches her for her rudeness upon her delayed arrival. This results in Caroline S. snapping at Caroline F. about all her rules, which “crush individuality”, and for trying to make her consume fruit more than twelve months ago. If Caroline S. has her “individuality” so deeply invested in being a perfectly rude, selfish bitch, then I say let her keep on trucking and leave the rest of us out of it. I just like to look at her on Instagram, with the volume on silent.
While the nearly-sober pub crawl trolls secondhand stores and Juliet squats like she’s pooping to snap selfies for her blog, the broads at the ping-pong club are getting annihilated. Or, at least, Sophie is, like a wild animal uncaged. Being as Adela is eighteen months into sobriety, she bows out and leaves Marissa to manage Sophie, who is trying to find Prince Harry in her cell contacts and asks her estranged husband to text her the number of a nameless “sexy TRX trainer”, who shoots her down upon receiving her booty call. Methinks the TRX trainer likes his booty calls to have boners. Whoops!
As these two tipsy bitches dance on a bar, alone,
the pub crawl women have hunkered down around a restaurant booth to hear Queen Caroline issue her decrees on those out of favor. Marissa, she declares, is “shitstirring” about her with Sophie, who is “arrogantly” embracing her “new” life post-divorce. Caroline F. questions why Caroline S. feels she can demand the loyalty of others and yet jab at them so insistently just when she wants such unfettered, unquestioning devotion. Things get snappy again but they kiss and make up. The End.
Caroline S. meets up with Juliet at a sweets shop to discuss the need for the Stanbury Women to make up, for the kids’ sake. Caroline S. continues to huff about Julie Montagu and Caroline F’s shared need to be bossy with all these rules (which others of us may call a regard for common decency), and has decided with Cem to host a weekend for ALL the bitches in Scotland to really show them how it’s done. For Caroline S. hosting is about her guests, not about herself. This ought to be hilarious.
Sophie and Caroline F., meanwhile, have met up to go hat shopping for Royal Ascot, because, you know, this is London and in London we wear hats! And they better snap to it because according to the internets Ladies Day at Royal Ascot was on June 16 this past year and it’s at best June 12. Caroline F. and Sophie relate to each other because they have both embraced divorces and seized control of their happinesses. Caroline F. relates the renewed “dust up” over fruit that broke out at the pub crawl, and tells us in an ITM that “if everyone’s calling you an asshole, maybe you are being an asshole.” AHEM QUEEN CAROLINE. Ooh, girl, you better watch out!
Juliet Angus goes over to Marissa’s house to coo at baby Sadie, Marissa having unwisely invited her to see the baby in the little Anguses former bassinet while under the influence of watermelon martinis. Now that she’s sober she doesn’t even want Juliet in the house, but too late for that, so instead she instructs the nanny to not permit Juliet to even remotely invade the baby’s space, which the nanny proceeds to do with commitment, growling at Juliet and snarling at her to GET OFF when Juliet attempts to sneak a peek at Sadie. So much for that.
Juliet and Marissa return to the kitchen for a spot of posh tea and awkwardly circle the subject of their former close friendship. Marissa thinks Juliet doesn’t miss a chance to be mean to her, most recently chattering about to anyone who would listen about how Marissa left her new baby (then recently released from hospital) in London to go to New York with her husband. As it turns out, the trip was to attend Matt’s mother’s 80th birthday celebration, and whether or not that is the choice you or I would make, that’s not an invalid reason to have made a trip away which I assume was as brief as possible.
Regardless, Marissa thinks it’s curious that Juliet would tell the world at large how concerned she was for abandoned baby Sadie’s welfare, but has never actually called MARISSA to ask how any of them have been during any of the entire dramatic experience that was the pregnancy, birth, and aftermath. AHA! Juliet doesn’t have a comeback for that, so grabs her trusty fearless leader, Caroline S., and chucks her at Marissa, arguing that Marissa has been starting rumors about why Queen Caroline is moving to Dubai. Marissa laughs that off, sharing that aside from the fact that she’s never asserted that to be true, it’s a laughable idea to attribute the origination of “the biggest rumor in London” to her. Which is no doubt true, especially seeing as she’s been housebound for basically the past ten months. Detente. We’ll see you in Scotland.
The Stanburys, finally, sit down to consume air pudding and wind sauce chased by giant glasses of rose and attempt to get things settled out into a reasonably functional shared space for the sake of the kids. Sophie begins by stating that she has never intentionally hurt Caroline, which causes Caroline to snap that she “goes there”, particularly with Julie and Adela. Caroline expects blind fealty, especially in front of her face. Sophie, for her part, thinks Caroline is heavy-handed with the punishment, and doesn’t fight fair. Caroline, at least, explains the series of miscommunications that led to her boys missing Sophie’s son’s birthday party which seems to me something that could have been far more easily and quickly sorted out than it has been, but whatever. The two accept that sometimes they are not going to share the same point of view, e.g. Julie Montagu, but will try to get along. We’ll all start holding our breaths now. (Just wait until CS finds out CF called her an “asshole”. It’s gonna be on like Donkey Kong.)
Next time: get the kilts, we’re going to Scotland! VRBO, baby!