I forgot to mention in the recap of last week’s episode that the guest room closet of my childhood home is wallpapered – purple monkeys swinging on vines. Yes, I am THAT FANCY. If you have an interest in owning an 80-year old house with purple monkey wallpaper in one closet, it may be available to you if the contract my mother has with the current asshat falls through, so message me. Serious inquiries only.
So back to Doritos’ Berkshires kitchen where the aroma of kosher lasagna has drawn The Queen down from her ivory tower to find The Kountess once again complaining about The Queen complaining about her sluttiness. Queen B, still in her onesie, demands to know whether this is part deux of the “apology” The Kountess just sent her by text. Exasperated, LuAnn once again explains that she did not mean to imply she was somehow involved in the creation of the Skinnygirl Margarita, and yes, she’s tweaked that Queen B keeps crapping on her for having a social life.
The Queen responds that yes, in fact The Kountess DID imply to people that she was somehow involved in the invention (an assertion she does not back up or detail in any way), and further that she, The Queen, has standing to complain about The Kountess’ sluttiness because she objects to the way LuAnn slut-shames other people for doing the same things she does herself. For example, Radzi: The Queen accuses The Kountess of having publicly humiliated Radzi over dating a much-younger man when she herself had also dated a 25-year-old and is Radzi’s same age.
The way I remember it, The Kountess’ objection was over Radzi screwing The Kountess’ Help because The Help had previously been screwing The Kountess’ niece, so I never really thought age had anything to do with it. Nonetheless, The Queen insists The Kountess is not “admitting” who she is. I think the Kountess has perfectly well admitted she’s a two-bit UES floozy, so I am going to take her side in all this. Also, while she may or may not have knowingly slept with a married man, I don’t recall her ever accusing anyone else of doing so, which is particularly interesting now that rumor has it that The Queen herself is now involved with the husband of one of her own friends. Mmm hmmm. Doritos and Toothpick Julie have had enough of this and are playing Twister in the billiards room.
The Queen’s next line of attack is that women, specifically herself and Mo, do not want to have their men around The Kountess because she’s a maneater. The Kountess thinks Mo is just jealous because she, The Kountess, is now involved with a man that Mo failed with. The Queen persists in insisting that The Kountess stole Tom from Mo, but I don’t think any of us got any impression that Tom wanted anything other than to escape Mo. Wouldn’t you?
So who are we, or Queen B, to deny him the right to a new pursuit? I just don’t get this. The Kountess calls on Doritos to weigh in that women are perfectly comfortable having their men around her – in fact, Doritos lets her hang out with Big Fat John all the time! The Kountess thinks Queen B is just picking her apart to compile a list of complaints and take her down on one or the other of them. Certainly does seem like it.
NEXT! Next issue is that The Kountess has appointed herself as So’s savior, and Queen B and Radzi both think this is a bad idea. This makes The Kountess cry, because she’s apparently worried So is going to be chopped up by a sexual deviant and eaten for a midnight snack if she’s not looking out for her. Listen, bitches: first, if The Kountess is the only person willing to put herself out there for So, I really don’t think anyone else should criticize her for it because I don’t see any of them protecting her from serial killers.
Second, what I think is actually happening is LuAnn is “mentoring” So in how to stay on the show: I think that after the fiasco with Kim Richards, Production was sort of in a quandary about what to do with the rest of the hot messes on their salary list. They haven’t cut her loose, but they have marginalized So to effectively FOH, a position from which Lu rose like a phoenix just a year back. Knowing that So not only needs the money but also the relevance, I think Lu has moved into the SoStone and is carrying on this batty-ladies-about-the-UES storyline in order to keep her afloat. (Point of illustration: while all this bitchery is afoot, So is home on a Saturday night with her herd of “interns”, wearing her favorite fur stole, and rummaging through her junk drawers to find enough random miscellany to fill a box she can send to her daughter as a “care package”. Because nothing says I Care like a half-used package of makeup removal wipes.) And no: no one else will film with So, much less give her a storyline. So yes, Lu is helping her. And I actually think they are all tweaked with Lu for keeping So into the fold – especially The Queen, because now So is involving herself with cheap ripoffs of the Skinny family of products for lack of anything better to do. And also Mo, who was really hoping to have freed herself from her erstwhile BFF by now. She’s such a caregiver.
Dinnertime! Just as the carb-avoidants are digging into kosher lasagna, who should burst through the French doors but SANTA! And this Santa – Shanta! – has boobs! Shanta has brought gifts for all: giant personalized wine glasses that each hold an entire bottle of wine. PERFECT. The Queen realizes that Doritos knows how to throw a fantastic party and she went and shit all over it. (Again.) Radzi decides that being around The Kountess and failing to win the argument is depressing and goes to bed. The Kountess and The Queen apologize to each other, after which The Queen informs The Kountess that she still thinks she’s “cunning and crafty” and steals men. Mo agrees, and The Kountess points out that Mo does exactly the same thing, so what? Stalemate. Doritos is so glad she had this party for this ridiculous group of bitches who ruin everything, every time.
To make sure Doritos really feels how much Queen B appreciates her kindness and warmth, The Queen and Radzi decide to make a break for it in the morning: just throw their shit in a bag, toss their coats on over the PJs Doritos thoughtfully gifted them, and flee. As Doritos, Julie Toothpick, and The Kountess happily prepare breakfast (Julie Toothpick questioning whether the whisk is actually The Tingler), these two tacky broads dart out the side door and run for their car until they are busted by the Kountess and made to come back in and shamefully say their adieus. Doritos thinks it’s weird and unappreciative that they raced out like that. Mo, predictably, thinks the two asses she’s kissing proffered a “very nice and warm goodbye”. Well yes, for them.
Back in the city, Julie Toothpick continues to soldier through life without her nanny, who apparently was so full-service that her responsibilities included shaving Julie’s armpits, which Julie claims are now full of hair 3″ long. No wonder the nanny quit. The good news is that her dad is over the pneumonia and is going in for the hip replacement. The End. Meanwhile The Queen and Radzi are commisserating over avocado toast and complaining that Mo has invited them to a party. Queen B intends to do a “drive by”. Also they still think The Kountess is hypocritical about her sluttiness. AND NONE OF US CARE.
So time for Mo’s party, which we already know is going to suck. Interestingly, as the crowd develops there does not appear to be one single heterosexual male in attendance. What does this say about MEN not wanting to be around MO? The Kountess is first to arrive in a burgundy lace jumpsuit from her Kollection that makes her ass look YUGE. Mo, in her white rabbit sweater, basically tells her so. Lu don’t care. Queen B, in a Dynasty jumpsuit, and Radzi show up next to get their drive by clock ticking. The Kountess attempts to make nice with them AGAIN and they really aren’t having it although Queen B mumbles that she was overly nasty in the Berkshires because of work stuff. On Wednesdays we wear pink.
After a bunch of small talk and side-eye whispering So Morgan enters the building. She’s wearing a red Elvis jumpsuit. As soon as Queen B gets a sniff she’s up and looking for her coat. The Kountess scuttles over to So and tells her she has five minutes to get her shit straightened out with The Queen, but as it turns out she only has more like five seconds because The Queen and Radzi do as they always do and climb out the fire escape. Poof!
Lu and Mo round up on So about whether she got to shout her intention to drop the Tipsygirl thing after The Queen as she skittered away down the block. So says no she didn’t, and no she won’t, either, and she never said she would and everyone is a big fat bitch because she didn’t even get a chance to TELL the Queen she wasn’t going to give an inch, which I thought was perfectly clear after their unfortunate last interaction anyway, because The Queen ran away, and she, So, should have been invited to Doritos to ruin that party even more! This lame party is the wrong place for So to try and fail to kiss The Queen’s ass; Doritos’ house would have been the right place! She shoulda been invited! Doritos meows that if So had been invited, some other people would not have come. So barks back that that just proves that “other people” are more important than she is. WHY does she want to be friends with these bitches? Someone needs to fetch the butterfly net.
Next time: Mo and So try to crap on Lu about Tom. Julie Toothpick gets jealous about the idea of a hot nanny (snore), and The Queen plans a big trip to Mexico and guess who she’s not going to invite?