I was too busy to fully recap last week, but here’s what happened: The Kountess invited herself on Queen B’s upcoming Mexico trip; everyone claims to have knocked boots with the soon-to-be-Mr. LuAnn; and The Queen started to experience graphic gynecological issues, about which we are about to here entirely too much more. Le sigh.
We return to Manhattan and find Radzi delivering Baby The Dog to a photo shoot involving other dogs and a wedding theme. What’s happening? Why are dogs being piled on an inflatable swan pool toy? This whole situation takes a bit of sorting but it appears Radzi is vaguely friends with one of the few non-emaciated New Yorkers who happens to own a dog named Finn, and Finn is betrothed to a dog named Toast who is descended from a celebrity dog named The Fat Jewish, and as Toast’s owner is a socialite named Amanda Hearst there is to be some sort of “celebrity dog wedding” for animal rights and Vanity Fair is going to cover it. (Not to agree with The Donald on anything, but VF needs a kick in the pants. A few months ago there was an article about a failed, fraudulent engagement between some unknown woman and a doctor who was once profiled on Dr. Oz or something like that. This is important because? Every issue since has been a bit meh.) I really don’t understand what’s going on here, but what’s intriguing is the introduction of a gentleman named Tripp who is Baby’s “co-parent”. What? Well, I googled, and I don’t know who Tripp is but there’s a third “co-parent” who happens to be RHOC ‘Wife Meghan’s brother. This feels a bit like rent-a-dog to me.
Meanwhile, Doritos and Julie Toothpick are out shopping, although they don’t buy anything and basically just drink free wine out of plastic cups in the dressing room and gossip. First up is the upcoming trip to Mexico, to which So is Not Invited. Doritos has informed So of this fact, and told her she needs to be healthy and apologize to The Queen for the transgression with the Tipsygirl Prosecco if she wants to get back into the fold. Second topic is The Kountess’ new boyfriend, a relationship Mo is trying to undermine by claiming she had some extensive previous involvement with him, and even if not that he’s still close to his ex-girlfriend and gave her a Christmas present. Apparently Doritos has spoken to the ex in question, who clarified that Tom only went out with Mo once and that accidental encounters on the street that Mo is imagining as dates don’t count. Whether the Christmas gift amounts to anything is in the eye of the Kountess, one would suppose. Doritos thinks Mo can’t be happy for anyone else and is The Embellisher. She warns Toothpick Julie to buckle up and pace herself in Mexico, because once dinner rolls around it’s time to “let ‘er rip”.
Speaking of SoMo, they are reunited in their favorite place, So’s bed, So having segregated one of her floppy dogs into a Pack & Play for the occasion. So has quit drinking and is working out, in order to get back into the good graces of The Queen and Production, and it looks good on her. She’s invited to the upcoming Dog Wedding but not the trip to Mexico, and Mo advises her on how to leverage her access to Queen B at the Dog Wedding to wangle an invite to Mexico after all, role play and all. We’ll see how that goes.
The Queen, for her part, is still bleeding copiously, and significantly more time is dedicated to the discussion of her gynecological issues than I really care for this episode. Basically, it’s fibroids. She meets Radzi for a drink and a bitch session, and confesses that she failed to noninvite The Kountess on this Mexico trip (which, mind you, The Queen claims she is personally paying for, which is a load of caca if you ask me) and when The Kountess texted a thank you basically threw Radzi under the bus and said she, Radzi, would have veto power on her permission slip. Neither The Queen nor Radzi want to experience any “ho-bag moments” on this trip, which is “everyone’s trip”, even if The Queen claims it’s really hers and that only some of everyone is allowed. She’s not going to the Dog Wedding because she is seeing the gyne.
Toothpick Julie has Dr. Praeger coming over so she can reveal to her tiny wayward husband what she’s been doing when he’s been on the loose: concocting a “clearing tonic” based on ancient Asian wisdom passed down from the women in her family. Let’s talk about Dr. Praeger for a minute; I have been familiar with his spinach cakes for some time, and have unsuccessfully tried to slip them to my kids before giving up. Who expected Dr. Praeger was going to look like this?:
I would have expected something more like this:
Anyway, Toothpick Julie is quite pleased with herself, and feels having accomplished something is good for her recovery. Mr. Toothpick is pleased, but not without snark as to her sneakiness, and announces he feels like he’s been cheated on. Julie retorts that one day, he might ask for half her shit if this operation is as profitable as she hopes. Meep.
Doritos and Bethenny go to Homegoods, because Doritos is redecorating, thank God. They have a Homegoods in Manhattan? More Bethennyblather about the profuse genital bleeding before they bolt for the gyne together.
Meanwhile, in anticipation of the Dog Wedding, Toothpick Julie has invited So over for a glam session with her on-call beauty squad summoned on her batphone. Why is there a huge pile of leather cushions in the corner of her kitchen? Anyway, while they wait for Hair and Makeup, because God forbid anyone put their own mascara here, Toothpick shows So a photo over her own ladybits because she somehow incurred a hematoma climbing through a window.
A what when? And it required catheterization and three days of recovery? So thinks Mr. Toothpick is never going back down there if he saw what Julie had going on over the last few days. Somehow I think that was already a non-issue.
Doritos returns to The Queen’s apartment after the doctor’s appointment where the SkinnyStaff is running around like the Secret Service in a panic trying to tend to The Queen’s gyne needs. She has apparently lost 10% of her blood due to giant fibroids, and is facing multiple options for surgery, one of which is a hysterectomy and several of which would render her infertile. Given that The Queen is a little long in the tooth and still technically married the chances of future Skinnybabies seem limited, but a girl should leave her options open if possible. One thing that’s for sure is that the Mexico trip is off, which takes care of the undesirables neatly.
Off to the Dog Wedding of the Year! Marchesa has made a couture canine gown for this event, at which there will be 300 guests and nearly as many canine companions. Gossip columnist Cindy Adams is going to officiate in an ugly dog sweater, and Simon Doonan, a famous gay, is going to give away the bride, Toast, because The Fat Jewish is otherwise engaged. Priorities! It’s all slightly amusing and raises $10,000 for a puppy mill rescue, which is sort of underwhelming. After the ceremony, the ‘Wives gather for an update on The Queen’s vagina problems, at which time Doritos gets to make the announcement that the Mexico trip is off. Radzi is secretly relieved. So feels thwarted again in getting back into the fold. Mo is totally tweaked because she had all her outfits lined up and photo-loaded into her outfit app, and now what? Since she’s not going to Mexico on a beach vacation she decides to cut the cake and take a bite of the bow. Screw you, Toast and Finn! Overall, this episode was about as exciting as a dog wedding. Pfffttttt.
Next time: It’s The Kountess vs. Radzi Part 537. The Queen is freaking out about whether her minions can find her living will (and she better find it, because if Jason is still named to pull the plug things could get interesting). And it’s the return of Holla, on ice!